Saturday 4 December 2010

Here we go again.

Ali: Eh mamak, why only RM2.30 back?

Mamak: Yes la, you makan RM2.70. You give RM5, so balance RM2.70 la. I also got go to school one. No need to learn maths in English also can kira this one.

Ali: I know la mamak, I also know how to kira but yesterday I gave RM5 you gave me back RM2.60. I ate the same thing also.

Mamak: Aiyo that one ka. I say, gula go up already, minyak also go up, gas also go up so my price also must go up la En. Ali. Budak punya gaji misti mau kasi bayar jugak. Teh tarik now go up 10 sen 1 glass and roti canai oso go up 10 sen jugak.

Ali: Teh tarik go up I can understand la because gula and susu go up but why roti canai go up?

Mamak: I say man En. Ali, I must use gas to masak itu roti la. What you think, I tunggu ada rumah bakar baru saya pigi masok masak itu roti ka?

Ali: Waa, sekarang you pandai cakap ah?

Mamak: No la En. Ali, mau hidup la.

Ali: When prices go up, you increase, you not hurt, you maintain your profit or even get bigger profit but what about me? My gaji tadak naik?

Mamak: Why you ask me? Ask the minteri la? Dia jugak kasi itu harga naik? I say En. Ali why make so much noise, naik sikit saja apa.

Ali: You say little la mamak because anyway the price go, you make more profit, but we all makan gaji punya orang suffer la. Don't tell me harga barang naik kalu, makan breakfast two days once only, don't eat everyday.

Mamak: I say, just now En Hassan the UMNO punya ketua come and eat here, he bring 10 people. They all eat and he pay senang saja,  tadak cakap apa pun, no complain.

Ali: Dia sapa, saya sapa?

Wednesday 17 November 2010

Love this version.

I know I have not posted anything so to prove that I am still alive, here's something from Rahim Maarof with a cover version of a P Ramlee medley. I love this version. It's got soul.

Monday 4 October 2010

Good Business Sense

The Government of Malaysia.

Dear Sirs, (Tuns, Tan Sris, Datuk Sris, Datuks and Neneks)

I am a Malay and according to Perkosa, I am entitled to many privilages. So let me get to the point so as not to waste you time as well as mine.

I would like to propose the following deals and if you do not want to suffer the wrath of Perkosa you'd better agree. My proposals are as follow:

1. The government of Malaysia sell my company all parcels of land belonging to the Malaysian government.

2. Lease to my company the Petronas Twin Towers.

3. Award my company the double tracking tender and extend the distance to Turkey.

4. Sell my company all government shares in all GLCs.

5. My company be given the tender to award titles such as Tun, Tan Sri, Datuk Seri and Datuk. You can keep the minor ones. A nominal fee of RM1.00 per award would be paid to the treasury for use of whatever seals needed.

6. All new government tenders and projects must receive my company's approval.

7. To finance all of the above, the government must give my company access to Bank Negara without any interference from either the Governor or any other personnel.

Please reply within week or Perkosa would be angry.

Yours Melayuly


(Inspired by this.

Friday 24 September 2010

'Eff'ing mofos

Just a moment ago a friend sent me a message saying that Katataknak is removed. Of course I was shocked. Who the 'eff'ing hell did it? Perplexed I tried to access my blog and sure enough it said that my blog has been removed.

What the 'eff'. So I did the needful and after filling in some forms and changing my password it has been restored. I would like to thank the people at Google for being very efficient, something that is alien in this country.

I have since activated comment moderation. Sorry for the inconvenience but I have to do it just in case this action could prevent further removal.

Anyway, I admit there have been something amiss with the blog. I do have people coming in making a nuisance of themselves, as if I care. To you mofos, 'eff' off.

Sorry for the not so sweet language but I am pissed off with these mofos.

Tuesday 21 September 2010

Javed Bashir, he's fantastic.

This guy is fantastic. He stands almost equal with the legends Nusrat, Rahat and Ghulam Ali. Just give him a listen.

Thursday 16 September 2010

Cranky Old man

I received this from a dear friend and would like to share it with all those who care to read. Read it with your heart as well as your eyes. This poem really touches my heart and I sincerely hope that it touches yours. If it did then you should feel happy that something hard has not replaced your heart.
Thank you Mr. CG Tuan for sending me this.

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
 Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Cranky Old Man
What do you see nurses? . . . . .What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . .. .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food ... . .. . . . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . ... 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not .. . . . . . . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . . . . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am . . . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . . . . . . who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . . with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . . . ... ... . a lover he'll meet
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . ... . . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . ... . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . . . . .. My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons .. . . . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . . . . . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, . . ... . . . ..Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . . ... . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... .. . . . . . . . . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . .. .. . . . And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . .. . . . and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . .. . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. . . . ... . . . . .. grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone .. . . . . .. . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . .. A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . .. . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . .. . . . . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . .. . . . .. . . . . life over again.

I think of the years . all too few . . .. . . . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . . . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . . . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man . Look closer . . . . see . .. . . .... . ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within ... . . .
we will all, one day, be there, too!
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched.
They must be felt by the heart.

Thursday 9 September 2010

Tuesday 31 August 2010

But your honour ....

Judge: After going through all the arguments both by the defence and the prosecutor and considering the police report about the alcohol level in you on that night which was amply collaborated by the evidence given by the bartenders on that night, I find that the prosecution has proved beyond any doubt at all that you were guilty of reckless driving driving that resulted in the death of 5 innocent people.

Accused: But your honour, how could you disregard my line of defence which was totally plausible?

Judge: Plausible my foot? Just because there were marks around their necks doesn't prove your tall theory that they stood in circles and strangle each other. I have not heard a more stupid line of defence in my life.

Accused: But your honour no one said anything when that certain lawyer said that a certain deceased strangled himself?

Judge: Which idiot said that?

Accused: I can show you the video.

Judge: I don't have time for such nonsense and stupidity. I hereby sentence you to 5 years imprisonment and fine you RM20K or another 2 years.

Accused: Your honour, I know you are a kind and understanding man. In the spirit shown by a certain government, could I do my sentence in instalment?

Wednesday 18 August 2010


Macai: Boss, last night my neighbour came to me to ask for help.

Boss: Help la.

Macai: Susah la boss, his daughter got expelled from school for being pregnant. She is only in form 3. In fact, 5 of her friends also suffer the same fate.

Boss: Oh like that ka. Okay no problem, we will open a state sponsored school for pregnant teenagers. Tell your friend to wait a while, a few months tops.

Macai2: Boss my friend's son also got expelled.

Boss: He can't be pregnant right?

Macai2: No boss, he is gay. He was caught for giving his friend a head in the toilet.

Boss: Hmm! Never mind, we will start a state sponsored school for gay teenagers. Ask your friend to wait a while.

Macai3: Boss, 1 state director's wife was caught red handed making out with her driver at the Farmosa. Her husband is fuming boss.

Boss: Never mind, we will start a school for wayward Datins.

Macai4: Boss an EXCO kena tangkap basah boss. Do you want to start a school for horny EXCOs boss?

Boss: No, make them teachers in the school for wayward Datins.

Monday 2 August 2010


PP: Good morning Tun, how are you today. ....... er, Tun, how are you this morning?

Tun: What? Are you talking to me?

PP: Yes, Tun.

Tun: I am MM, why do you call me Ton. That is short for Zaiton, or Halimaton right? Can't you see that I am a man?

PP: No, I mean Tun as in T-U-N.

Tun: Oh, that, when was I conferred a Tunship?

PP: Okay, never mind Tun. Could you please look at the accuse. Do you recognise him?

Tun: What that chinaman there? Who is he? Why do you call me for apanama unimportant things?

PP: But Tun, don't tell me you don't know him, he was a senior member of your cabinet for a long time.

Tun: You talk as if I was a apanama PM before. Funny la you.

PP: Don't you remember Tun LLS?

Tun: What? Ah Ling ah? Hmm looks like him but I can't remember la.

PP: Tun, please cooperate with the court, do you remember him?

Tun: I don't know la, I can't remember. But if I did, why?

PP: Did he tell you and your cabinet the price of a certain package of land in the PKFZ project?

Tun: Land? What land? What is PKFZ? What are you talking about? Please don't waste my time. I have a meeting with the PERKESO boss, he wants to give me the title Hang Madet. This title is apanama better than a Tunship. It's only given to pure unadulterated Malays. With this title I can wear a tengkolok and keris wherever I go.

PP: PERKESO? What has PERKESO got to do with confering a Hang award? Maybe you mean PERKASA?

Tun: Aaah, whatever la, I really want to be Hang la. Anyway, apanama why ask me, ask Anwar la?

PP: But Anwar has nothing to do with this. He was already out of the cabinet at that time. Please Tun, please cooperate.

Tun: Yes, I know but really I can't remember that apek. He looks like an apek jual rojak only.

PP: Your honour, please instruct the witness to cooperate.

Judge: Wait a minute. Do you mean the crime was committed during the time of the Tun as PM?

PP: Yes, your honour.

Judge: Then I have no alternative but to dismiss the witness. The defendent can go and case dismissed.

PP: But your honour, the state has spent a lot of time and money to get the accused to trial. At least tell us why?

Judge: I am a judge in Malaysia. My boss is the CJ. I am only doing what the CJ recommends. Please read this.

        Tan Sri Azmi, the Chief Justice of malaysia said that the so-called 'Lingam tape scandal' is already an issue
        of the past and that the video which caught a senior lawyer trying to 'broker' an appointment of senior
        judges should no longer be deliberated and discussed by the current judiciary because it is more important
        to look forward than to look back

PP: But a crime is a crime. no matter when it was committed.

Judge: Enough la, this one old story la. Let it rest.

Wednesday 28 July 2010

Man Utd and the Devil

I think today it's my turn to write about the Man Utd thingy. Yes the one about the jersey supposedly to bear the true portrait of the devil and how all the ills of this world were actually committed by Man Utd Jersy wearing fans. Yes, those fans who don't wear these jersey are okay, only those who wear them would turn into devils and start wreaking havoc. I didn't know that Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini and Mahathir are Man Utd fans.

Funny, I could have sworn seeing a certain rempit snatching a lady's handbag while wearing a Malaysia Boleh T-shirt. I am sure he had the Man Utd emblem tatooed on his chest. Hmm, come to think of it, was Man Utd around when Jack the infamous Ripper was up and about practising his surgical skills? Could it be that Attila and Conan were both central defenders of pre-historic Man Utd?

Anyway, being a diehard fan of Man Utd since my primary school days and now being 54 you could guess how long that is, I would like to confess that I do not own a Man Utd Jersy. First, they are costly, the original ones, and second, the local ones do not have my size coz I wear multiple XL size shirts. No, it has not got anything to do with the 'devil' in the crest coz, I swear the devil actually do not look anything like that. How do I know? Hey I see them on tv everyday, especially on the news dispensing goodies during buy-elections and making false promises, like, "we are doing it for the people" and " we always have the people at heart".

Now this fellow, who came out with the edict must have been a silent Liverpool fan or Drogba's gay bed-partner. Yes, Man Utd have enemies and they come in all shapes, sizes and headgears. He was surely very silent when Liverpool had a certain beer company advertised on their jersey but now that they have switched to that of a bank's, he comes out spewing venom at Man Utd. How convenient.

I wonder if this donkey would next recommend that everyone only wear UMNO and BN shirts so that their passage to heaven would be a smooth one. Those who have more BN and UMNO shirts would go to heaven riding a certain unsubmergeable submarine, but they would have to pay commissions to get the ride. Those who don't have any would have to board engineless fighters and you and I know where that would take you to.

Mr. Mufti, rather than telling people what not to wear, wouldn't it be better if you tell leaders what not to do and how to behave? Wouldn't it be better if you tell people in power, how to manage the people's money? Wouldn't it be better if you tell leaders what corruption is? Oh you did and they didn't listen? Oh in that case you are forgiven.

Tuesday 27 July 2010

Hahahahahaha! It's payback time.

General: Mr. President, can we call our boys home?

Obama: From where? Iraq or Afghanistan?

General: Everywhere, including Japan, Philipines, Germany, heck! everywhere sir.

Obama: Wow, this has got to be serious. I have never ever seen you without a smile and sounding so grim. Sit down please. You look as if you have just seen a devil.

General: More like The Angel of Death sir. Our death, the death of the USA sir.

Obama: Wo, wo, hold your horses general. You're making me dizzy. You would only speak this way if we were to be attacked by aliens. Why are the Martians coming?

General: Worst than aliens sir. We are done this time sir. Please call our boys back sir coz our bases overseas are in extreme danger.

Obama: Please tell me first, what is it that is making you shit in your pants general. I can't go calling our boys back home if I do not know what the danger is.

General: Sir, one more request, could you order NASA to speed up the next space shuttle trip. Make it tomorrow but this time sir, take your family and mine along. If there is space in the cargo hole, I would like to hitch a lift too. Please sir.

Obama: You are not on drugs are you general? I told you not to mix with the Mat Rempits in Malaysia, they are bad news. Now settle down, here have a cup of steaming, black, Obama coffee.

General: Not the Rempits sir, it's Malaysia. Read this sir.

Obama: Get me NASA, I want the next space shuttle to be ready for lift off in 2 hours. Oh, God, this is stressful. Why must the End always happen when a black is in charge?

General: Sir, you've soiled your pants sir.

Obama: Damn the French for this.

Sunday 25 July 2010

Is your head lowered?

My dear Muslim brothers and sisters. Listen to this. He has a thing or two to teach us. In the end, ask if you are walking with your head lowered in shame? Is Allah satisfied?

Monday 19 July 2010


To all readers, sister blogger Dalilah Tamrin of OneBreastBouncing has left us to meet her maker. To her husband, children, parents and her loved ones, please accept my condolences.

I can't write much coz I am too devastated coz I have lost a dear sister.

Thursday 15 July 2010


Yahoo, finally we have made a start. Phew! What a relief. I thought I was going to have to wait years for it but finally the agony of waiting is over. Thank God.

You see a few months ago they were talking about making Malaysia a high income country. Yes, us Malaysians earning so much money that banks would turn people away because they have too much money to handle.
Wow! With the added income, of course, I would be able to afford everything that I have been dreaming off.

What? What nonsense am I talking about? Wait, wait, calm down, let me explain to you. You see I understand what is going on.

I know what the government is doing. Yes, of course there is no concrete increase in salaries yet but as they say, a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

You see, in a high income society it would be utterly shameful if the citizens keep on buying cheap stuffs. It is a sin for rich people to look for bargains. 

People from a high income society must look for expensive things, even though, the goods they are buying actually cost very little. I mean, we Malaysians are going to earn so much that CEOs from the US are already looking for properties in Kodiang and Lahaq Yoi to relocate.

So we must make a start and the beginning is to make the prices of goods go up. Just a moment ago I was greeted with the orgasmic news that the prices of Gas, Sugar, Petrol, Diesel and whatever would increase effective midnight. Finally they have made the first move. Now we could go ut and proudly buy expensive stuffs. Just imagine the pride, buying like a high society shopper.

Now don't you go condemning the government about the increases. They don't actually need the money, they are just taking making a start. Soon they would increase the prices of other essentials like rice, transportations, meat, vegetables, breads and everything on the racks of TESCO.

Of course all these increases would be followed with increases in salaries. Just bear with the government. Maybe in about 30 to 40 years, our salaries would go north.

Oh, I forgot, when we have our increase in salaries, we would be using Rupiahs, not ringgits.

Saturday 19 June 2010

Please sacrifice for the country.

Minister: I am appealing to the people to understand our predicament. Our debts are too high. Debt servicing is eating up into our budget. We have to do away with some subsidy.

Reporter: Are you implying that we don't have money?

Minister: No, I am not saying that, I am saying that we must be prudent and taking off some subsidies is one way.

Reporter: Are there any other ways?

Minister: Of course there are. We will save. All government departments must spend wisely. We will stop unneccessary meetings and mileage claims. Electricity consumptions must be reduced.

Reporter: This means that the government is serious?

Minister: Of course, this particular government is always serious. The people is always on our minds but the people must remember that by suffering for the moment with the absent of subsidies on certain neccessities in life, they are paving the way for a brighter future. The people must be willing to nmake sacrifices.

Reporter: Don't you think that this is a gamble? It might backfire?

Minister: I know the people have the country at heart. They are willing to make sacrifices for the sake of the country.

Reporter: Any last words to the people sir?

Minister: Yes, we promise that this government is a responsible government. We are going all out to cut unneccessary spending. Every sen that we spend would be of benefit to the people.

Reporter: Where to now YB?

Minister: Er, off to Putrajaya for the ground breaking ceremony of the new Parliament Building. It is the best in the world. Once completed our MPs would be able to sit in comfort and it only costs 800 million, maybe by the time it is completed it might go up to 1 billion but it is still cheap. Imagine the comfort. We are doing this for the people.

Reporter: Can you give us some details about this new Parliament Building?

Minister: I am busy but why don't you speak to that man over there?

Reporter: That one? He is your brother isn't he? Why? Can he help me?

Minister: Yes, he has the designs. He is the one who got the tender. Okay, see you.

Tuesday 15 June 2010

Since we are at it .....

The Old Man, the one who destroyed the country in his reign of corruption and terror, the one who simply refuses to shut up and go, tried to justify an unjustifiable by saying that, gambling has always been around in this country. Hey, what's new? Rapes, robberies, corruptions and whatnots have always been around in this country so do we go about legalising these acts?

He went on to say that the Chinese like to gamble as if trying to imply that the Malays and Indians don't. Err, Mr Old Man, how do you think Besut fell into Terengganu hands? I am sure the Sultan at that time wasn't a Chinese. Look I have lots of Chinese friends who frown on gambling and plenty of Malay friends who sleeps with a deck of cards and would suffer withdrawal if they missed their pilgrimage to the 4D, Kuda and TOTO outlets. Gambling is not a race thing, it's a human trait and would prosper if allowed to and legalising sports betting would help a great deal in it's prosperity.

Since we already have legalised horse racing and numbers betting, do we need anymore form of legalised gambling? Anyway despite legalising certain forms of gamblings, have we seen the last of the illegal gambling operators and warlords? Sadly the answer is a big NO. In fact these unscrupulous people are thriving, no thanks to the seemingly inefficient enforcement of the law. Sometimes I wonder if they, the law that is, are really that inefficient. I mean the man on the streets know where to place illegal bets but somehow the law don't. Hmm! I find that rather perplexing but let's leave that for another day.

Mr Old Man, when you said that the PR's uproar against legalised sports betting is purely political, which I believe do carry weight, the above lends credence to the many suspicions that the government's main intention in legalising sports betting is not so much to stop illegal gambling but more of a means to make money. Tell me I am wrong. Hey, even The Man himself said that quite a few billions of Ringgit would go to the treasury.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, now I know why you have always closed an eye on corrupt officials and misuse of government machineries and funds.It's because they have always been around right? Could we then legalise spitting on faces of hated senile old useless despots, who created fear in the people the rule (not lead)? This was around a long long time ago. In fact, in times of old, they even killed these despots but I am against killing, just spitting. Come on, be a sport and get your handkerchief ready.

Wednesday 9 June 2010


Boss: This is too much already, I can't stand it any longer.

Machai: Yes boss, too much already, we have to do something.

Boss: Yes, how dare they attack that ship. Don't they know that there are Malaysians on board?

Machai: Yes boss, too much already boss. Must teach them a lesson boss.

Boss: Call the General here, I want to talk to him.

Machai: Ok boss, I have called already boss, I know you would want to see him.

Boss: Waa! You terer ah?

General: Yes boss, you want to see me?

Boss: Have you read this report? This is very disturbing.

General: Yes boss, very disturbing boss.

Boss: We must do something about it. Weust show the other Muslim countries that we care.

Machai: Good idea boss, not only Muslim countries boss but also Muslims in this country.

General: What do you want me to do boss?

Boss: I will declare that we will help our brothers there and you get the three wings ready.

General: Okay boss, I will get our army boys ready to be deployed.

Boss: All 3 wings, not the army only.

General: That one susah la boss. The army can la.

Boss: Why not? This is getting me angry.

General: Boss our fighters can't fly because we lost their engines and the sub can't dive and is now in Pangkor helping the Perak MB catch ikan bilis.

Tuesday 1 June 2010

Waa, best la like that.

Man1: Woi Mat, come la sit down here, we all minum kopi and sembang-sembang abit.

Man2: You want to belanja ka? Can also.

Man1: What's wrong with the weather nowadays ha? Panas like anything only.

Man2: Everything make people panas la nowadays. Last night I lagi panas. What man, England play like shit only. Against Japan also can not play properly ka? Play like shit want to win World Cup some more.

Man1: No la, they all didn't go all out la, they all takut get injury.

Man2: No la, England no class la, I think this year, Portugal or Spain or Argentina got chance la.

Man1: Piiiiiirah, you want to bet ka? Come we bet RM10.

Man2: RM10 means go bet with school boys la, I bet already at that shop there. Sure cannot run away one because they all got licence.

Man1: They all got licence ka? You mean, now can bet legally ka?

Man2: Yes la, last time also I want to bet but takut they all run away, I get nothing, but now because they have legal betting shop, got receipt, I not afraid already. Lucky la the gomen legalise betting, no need to be afraid one.

Man1: Wa good la like this, last time also I want to bet but cannot find people to bet with me, now like this means easy to bet la.

Man2: Good la like this, no need to secretly find people to bet and haggle, just go into the shop and bet. Like that means if last time a few thousand people only bet, now at least a few hundred thousand people can bet la.

Man1: Yes la, my friends and relatives from other countries all want to migrate here already because easy to bet one.

Man2: I heard they say ah, they all planning to make electiion betting legal also. SPR will be given the licence.

Sunday 30 May 2010


Aww, come on, are serious about doing away with subsidies? You've got to be kidding man. Hey, look at where you are now. Isn't it because of subsidies? You got subsidised public relations points courtesy of the Media, your media that is, and enjoy subsidised popularity, again thanks to the media, and you want to do away with subsidies? Ingrate!

Now listen and listen good. We have come so far to our present status so why make an about turn? I have a few suggestion of my own. This is of course for your own good, who cares about the people. Serve them right for being being a 'mere people' hah hah hah, padan muka you little people, bodoh punya orang.

Okay, what's in it for me if I gave you this life saving suggestions? Come on, I scratch your back, you scratch my balls la. You yourself told the people that if a certain someone is voted in, you would be willing to give a certain sum to keep the water from coming in.

Okay, now that we have come to an agreement here are my life savers.

1. Get friends to invest in sugar refinings. Do away with subsidies on sugar. Never mind if sugar costs RM5 a kilo. Say that you want people to consume less sugar for their own health. Do you think Malaysians would heed your 'advice'? Hey Malaysians never learn la, that's why you and your lots are still up there. The people would still consume as much sugar as they did before and your friends would be smiling their way to the bank.

2. Give to friends petrol pump licence. Say that petrol subsidy is going to bankkrupt the nation then once and for all take off all subsidies from petrol. Put a minimum price on petrol which should be 40 percent more than cost and your friends would be thanking you forever. Do you think the people would travel less? Fuck, Malaysians never learn la. At least this time we can give the Thai and Singapore governments a headache about petrol smugglings. Hee hee, serve them right. Take away those stupid subsidies from the Nelayans la. Who cares if fish would cost more or not. Do you think Malaysian would eat less fish. Fuck man, they would still be eating fish so who cares if they grumble or not.

3. Free health care is just not the way man. Charge outpatients RM30 and you would see that there would be no outpatients anymore and with that you don't have to employ more doctors. Compete with the private hospitals in terms of pricing. Charge 30 percent more than private hospitals for inpatients and you could cut down on the number of nurses and Amahs.

4. The people are too manja, do away with free education. Charge about RM500 per head per month for school fees and I can guarantee you that your 390K teachers could be downsized to just 3900 overnight. If parents complain tell them that it is their duty to educate their own children. If they can't find the time then find the money and send them to schools.

5. All roads must be tolled, even kampung ones. Give the consessions to your friends who would forever be indebted to you. Do you think Malaysians would travel less? Fuck man.

6. Where is the GST? Come on, all purchases by the people should come with a minimum of 20 percent tax. Do you think the people would buy less? Fuck man, TESCO and Giant would still be as packed as ever.

7. Bomba and Police services should be charged accordingly. Big fire 50K, small fire 49K. You could downsize the bomba force. All police reports should be charged and police house visits should cost even more. This way you could downsize the police force.

8. Now that you have made money from taxes and from doing away with subsidies, what do you do with the money? Defence man, defence. Everyone knows that the whole world is jealous of our success so we need to defend ourselves. No, don't get extra people for our defence. We need more submarines, helicopters, tanks, missiles and other weapons. Equip each personnel with at least 10 M16s, 5 bazookas, a tank and shoulder missile launchers. Buy buy buy.

Saturday 29 May 2010

New Breed

Chef: I see here that you have item no 5 from many more countries now compared to last year.

Seller: Yes, yes, from many more countries and they taste differently too, maybe because of their diet.

Chef: Hmm these from China are interesting. Have their prices gone down coz last year they cost US300 a kilo why now only US150?

Seller: Oh these are from farms, the wild ones are now RM500 per kilo.

Chef: Okay, send me 5 kilos of the wild ones. These are for my choice customers, filthy rich buggers.

Seller: Okay, 5 kilos grade B ones.

Chef: What? Grade B? I thought they are the best? For US500 a kilo surely they must be the best?

Seller: Oh, so sorry, hmmm how do I tell you this. We have more expensive ones and since they are more expensive they are in the higher category in terms of price but taste wise I don't think you would like any.

Chef: What? You have more expensive ones and they don't taste nice? Is that what you are telling me?

Seller: Exactly, that's why they are not in the list but since they fall in the same item category, we do have stock but since you are my loyal customer, I would strongly reccomend that you forget about it.

Chef: Oh, I see, I think you have a new favourite customer and are purposely outpricing these choice ones.

Seller: God please forgive me if I ever have that thought, I wouldn't have told you about it if I had wanted to keep it from you.

Chef: Then tell me about it, at least to satisfy my curiosity.

Seller: Okay, they are not sold in kilos and there are only handful of them in this world. In fact they cost about a million each and these Malaysian frogs are very poisonous.

Wednesday 26 May 2010

Serious and Dangerous

Reporter: Mr. MACC sir, we hear that there is a report against the PM.

MACC: Oh the Sibu by-election thingy?

Reporter: Yes, that one.

MACC: Yes, there is a frivolous report made against the PM.

Reporter: Have you investigated the report?

MACC: No, we don't have the time yet.

Reporter: Then how come you call it frivolous.

MACC: Look here young lady, every report made by the opposition people are frivolous. I have been in this business long enough. Pity the poor PM.

Reporter: But still, every report needs to be investigated, right?

MACC: Yes, we know that and we are out to investigate this matter. We are a responsible commission, we will investigate every report no matter how frivolous and petty it is.

Reporter: So when do you think, you will start on this?

MACC:As soon as we have the resources.

Reporter: When do you think that is?

MACC: We have to look into really important and urgent matters first. As you all know, we have the Sime Darby fiasco. This will utilise a lot of our resources. Then we have some very disturbing cases to look into.

Reporter: Disturbing? How come we don't know about them?

MACC: That's why la, you all, you think you know everything.

Reporter: Okay la, I am sorry but could you give me a lead into those 'disturbing cases' that you mentioned?

MACC: Okay, but this is off the record, you can print but don't quote me, just say it's from a reliable source.

Reporter: Okay, I swear, I won't name you.

MACC: Do you know that last year alone we lost a staggering amount from all the Federal Government branches located in every state?

Reporter: No, I don't. What? How? Who?

MACC: Do you know that we have info that many clerks have been stealing stamps for their personal use? We estimate that the Federal Government lost about RM13K on this alone. This is bad, this is dangerous, this is serious. We must put a stop to this. Do you know that an officer in the Sports Ministry stole 12 dozen shuttlecocks for his personal use? This is outrageous. No wonder we lost in the Thomas Cup.

Reporter: These are your serious and disturbing cases?

MACC Yes, and I am sure you are as angry as I am, so you see, we have to channel our resources to these important cases first before opening a file regarding that frivolous report, but we will do it, to satisfy the people.

Reporter: When?

MACC Next month we will get a few students from University Malaya coming to do their practicals so I think I will assign these trainees to investigate this report. okay I have to go now.

Saturday 22 May 2010

Down but not out.

Sam: Why you want me to resign?

Member1: You have destroyed the party. You know you are not wanted why you want to stay some more?

Sam: You think you big ka? Alright, with the powers I have as President, you are now expelled for working against the party?

Member2: Why you did that? He did not fight against the party, he was fighting you.

Sam: You also want to be expelled? Okay, I now expel you.

All: No, no you cannot do that. Now we will decide, we are giving you one week to announce your resignation or else we will call for an EGM and get you out. You know we have the numbers.

Sam: You ungrateful idiots. I made this party. I made all of you rich and now you want to sack me. Never mind, never mind, I will resign today itself but don't think you have seen the last of Sam.

All: Get out, get out, get out huuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

Sam: Never mind, I'll return, you just watch.

All: Get out la, boooo, boooo, boooo.

Sam: Hello! Ya saya la ni Samy. Saya ada dengar you orang mau satu timbalan presiden butoi ka? You angkat saya la, saya sudah kuluar MIC. Dia orang sumua menangis suruh saya jangan resign tapi saya sudah jemu la sama MIC, no future la, itu pasai saya ingat saya mau join you punya group. Sekarang you kasi saya timbalan presiden, nanti you resign punya time, saya jadi presiden la. Buleh ka........... Apa? PERKASA ambik orang Melayu saja ka? Takpa, takpa. ........

Hello, is that Kayveas? I say man, how are you ah old friend......... .

Wednesday 5 May 2010

No Bite

Dentist: Do you feel numb enough?

Man1: Yes, I can't feel a thing. Why do you inject so much?

Dentist: This is a major job, so many to pull out so I need to give you more.

Man1: Did the others also get multiple extraction?

Dentist: Oh yes, all of them. It's really hard work you know. Okay, that's 1 out, rinse on this please, many more.

Man1: Didn't feel a thing.

Macai: Doctor! All finish?

Dentist: Yes, finally. Do you want all these teeth? Many are still very good.

Macai: What do I want them for? I have a full set of dentures myself. Where are they now?

Dentist: In the other room.

Macai, Thanks doctor, bill us okay?

Dentist: Errr, I know times are bad, but do you think I could be paid by the end of the year? That was quite a number of teeth I had to pull.

Macai: I don't know about that, talk to my boss la.

Dentist: Somehow, I have a bad feeling about this.

Macai: Okay guys, let's go, you have an assignment.

Man2: Where are you taking us?

Macai: You'll know when we get there. .......... Okay, we have arrived, follow that man, he will take you to the meeting room.

Boss: Welcome, welcome. Please sit down. people, all 8 of you have been chosen to be panel members to probe the shooting of that 15 year old boy.

Man3: Oooh! No wonder they had our teeth extracted.

Monday 3 May 2010

Cucu Tok Nadok, Panglima Kepala Bataih

Jebon: Oi, Awang! Fuh, terer la hang.

Awang: Haaa, baru hampa tau aku terer, sebelum ni hampa dok peleceh aku, lani baru semua orang tau sapa dia Awang bin Bokceh.

Jebon: Semua orang dok cakap pasai hang la, merata aku pi depa semua dok cakap pasai hang.

Awang: Aku dah agak dah, mesti orang dok cakap pasai aku punya. Kira aku lani macam selebriti la.

Jebon: Memang hang dah jadi selebriti dah, kalah Mawi, hang lagi famous.

Awang: Tu dia, Mawi pon kalah kat aku, hahahahahaha, aku memang dah agak dah. Ntah ntah lepaih ni Najib pon nanti mai cari aku mintak otograf kot?

Jebon: Mana hang dapat idea nak bunoh TGNA tu?

Awang: Hai takkan hang tak tau aku keturunan pendekar, darah pendekar mengalir dalam badan aku.

Jebon: O! Betoi jugak, bapak hang kerja tembak anjin di pejabat haiwan kan? Memang hang ada darah pembunuh la tu.

Awang: Eh, Bon, ni aku nak tanya sikit, apa depa dok kata pasai aku? Depa dok puji aku tinggi-tinggi kot? Ada depa kata aku ni penyelamat bangsa ka, keturunan Hang Tuah ka?

Jebon: Rata rata aku pi depa dok kata, hang lembu takdak akai, budak hingusan tak tau apa, budak baru belajaq meloceh. Aku dengaq ada orang kata kat aku ada geng belah depa nak mai cari hang.

Awang: Nak mai cari aku? Pasai apa?

Jebon: Tak tau la, tapi yang aku dengaq, depa kata geng tu nak mai terajang hang.

Awang: Awat pulak? Aku tak buat apa kat depa? Takkan kot? Hang saja kata kot?

Jebon: Betoi, tapi aku tau hang mesti tak takot punya, kan hang ni keturunan pendekar.

Awang: Aku tak takot aih.

Jebon: Awat hang dok berpeloh tu? Ha, awat tangan hang sejuk pulak?

Awang: Panaih sangat lani, tu yang berpeloh tu. Ni, Bon, kalu ada orang cari aku hang kata aku takdak tau.

Jebon: Awat pulak? Kata sanggup bunuh TGNA, kata sanggup kena gantong, ni awat pulak nampak macam takot saja?

Awang: Bukan apa, kalu depa semua mai, aku takot aku terpaksa bunoh depa semua.

Jebon: TU DEPA MAI DAH!!!!!

Awang: MANA?

Jebon: La awat hang pucat? La tengok tu, basah seluaq hang. Hang terkencin ka? Aku acah saja. Awang, Awang, oi Awang, laaa pengsan.

Saturday 1 May 2010

Lari, Lari Monyet Dah Mengamuk.

Alahai ada sekoq monyet Kepala Bataih, tempat lahirnya Tun Tidoq, kata dia nak bunuh Tok Guru Nik Aziz. Tergelak bulu ketiak aku bila aku baca cakap monyet yang baru belajaq melancap tu.

Yang tu dah memang perangai depa dah. Cakap punya lah gah, apa nama, seropa ketua pemuda depa tu si apa nama tu, ha, kerri. Alah Kerri Ketua Pemuda yang takdak jawatan tu. Alah takkan tak tau, Keri yang merangkap Pengerusi Biro menyemak tu?

Ni Syeh! pi la balik rumah tolong mak pak hang buat kerja di bendang tu, atau pun pi lah kutip botoi-botoi kosong, paper paper lama dan juai. Tok sah dok mai tunjuk act la sini.

Nak bunuh orang kunun, tengok kucin pun lari lintang pukang, nak bunuh orang kunun. Ni bukan apa, bila dia buat macam tu dia ingat orang nanti dok perati kat dia la, baru la cepat dapat naik, baru la cepat dapat kontrak.

Ni mangkok!!! Hang mau kontrak? Ha, mai rumah aku, aku bayaq hang tolong pam jamban yang tersumbat tu. Jangan la buat tak reti pulak, bukan hang memang kerja pam jamban ka? Alah jangan la dok malu pulak, muka hang pun macam lubang jamban, mai mai, aku bayaq.

Awang oi, mai sini sat dengaq sat cakap Pak Lang hang ni. Mak Pak hang tak beranak hang nak suruh bunuh orang. Mak Pak hang beranak hang suruh hang jadi manusia, bukan jadi monyet, yang hang pi jadi monyet tu pasai apa? Awak la gedaok sangat hang ni?

Kalu teringin sangat nak bunuh Setan, pi Putrajaya tu, sana banyak sangat sangat setan dok melewaq. Lani hang dok rumah elok-elok, tengok Astro Chanell 616. Kalu boring gamaknya, hang panggil Saiful ajak dia main masak-masak.

Thursday 22 April 2010

The Titles

Boss: Hey Dol, when are you going to have the 'giving away of land titles' ceremony?

Dol: Aaah boss, there is a slight hitch la boss.

Boss: Slight hitch? What do you mean hitch? You can't even organise something as simple as this?

Dol: But boss, this time it's just impossible to do boss.

Boss: Why, the people don't want their land titles?

Dol: Not that boss, sure they want boss but ..

Boss: But what? Don't give me buts, I want action. We have to give away the titles tonight, I don't care.

Dol: But boss, we can't boss, really this time we can't.

Boss: Okay, I will try to control myself and listen then I will kick you. Now tell me why?

Dol: We can only give if there are titles to give, as it is, we don't have titles to give.

Boss: What nonsense are you talking about? Just get blank deeds and fill in the names of the people, that's all, is that too much to ask?

Dol: Please don't get angry boss, listen please before you get angry. We have given away all the titles boss. All the penerokas already have titles to their land, what title some more to give?

Boss: What? No more titles to give? How could this happen?

Dol: We give titles everytime we have elections and we have had many elections. We also give during by-elections.

Boss: But there were no by-elections here?

Dol: Yes, that I know but we gave titles when we had by elections for Bukit Gantang, Kuala Terengganu, Permatang Pauh Penanti and many more.

Boss: But those are in other places and other states, why do we give away titles to land from here?

Dol: You think we ship the people here to vote there for free ka boss?

Boss: Alamak, now what do we do?

Boss: Only one thing boss, we give all men above 21 a Datukship. Itu pun title jugak boss.

Monday 19 April 2010

Dulu dan Sekarang

PKR: Saya mengaku dulu saya minum tapi sekarang saya tak minum dah.

BN1: Saya mengaku dulu kami minum tapi sekarang kami masih minum.

BN2: Saya mengaku dulu kami curi kecil-kecilan tapi sekarang kami curi besar-besaran.

BN3: Saya mengaku dulu kami tipu diam-diam tapi sekarang kami tipu terang-terang.

BN4: Saya mengaku dulu kami sombong la jugak sikit, tapi sekarang kami tak pernah tak sombong.

BN5: Saya mengaku dulu dalam pilihanraya kami suka maki orang tapi sekarang kami maki dan pukul orang.

BN6: Saya mengaku dulu kami minta jentera kerajaan tolong kami tapi sekarang kami arah jentera kerajaan tolong kami.

BN7: Saya mengaku dulu kami bagi la sikit duit kopi tapi sekarang kami bagi duit Milo.

BN8. Saya mengaku dulu kami takut kat BPR tapi sekarang BPR takut kat kami.

Nak Tambah? Tambah la.

Tuesday 13 April 2010

The Visit.

Warden: Okay girls, is the place ready? Our visitors would be here soon.

Student1: Ready cikgu.

Warden: Are all your suites clean?

Student2: Yes, cikgu, housekeeping came in early today.

Warden: Please see what Chef Wan has for breakfast today? I told our visitors that we would give them breakfast.

Student3: Chef Wan said we'll have a sumptious buffet of continental, English, American and Malaysian breakfast.

Warden: Oh, god, I forgot, please run and check to see if the swimming pools are ready. Oh dear me, I hope they have the heating on, it's quite chilly this morning.

Student1: The pools are ready cikgu, I checked them myself. Ah cikgu, I tried calling you just now but you didn't answer.

Warden: Oh, how forgetful I am, please go to my suite, I think I left it at the jacuzzi.

Student4: Cikgu, cikgu, our visitors have arrived, they are waiting at the mini golf parking area.

Warden:( Clap, clap) Okay girls, girls, can I have your attention please, our guests have arrived so remember what I said at the briefing. Make sure all the airconds in every suite, and foyer and lobby are on. make sure there are pupils on standby on every floor. All elevators must have someone to aid our visitors should they need any. I want at least 10 girls working out in the gym at any time.

Captain: Good morning cikgu Murni. I am glad that you are gracious enough to play host to our girls.

Warden: Aaah, Captain Zaiton, it is our pleasure really, please do come in. As Head warden of Sekolah Menengah Kg. Jawa girls hostel, I am very proud to welcome, the ladies from the 5th Regimen of the Army Corp. Ladies don't take off your  Jimmy Choos, Christian Laboutins, Manolo Blahniks and Yves Saint Laurents.

Friday 9 April 2010

The New Strategy

MP1: Boss, are you there?

Boss: Yes, I am inside the surau seeing what can be repaired and what need to be replaced.

MP1: Come quick, come quick, I think we have been cheated la.

Boss: What do you mean cheated? Did Samy cross over to the other side?

MP1: That is not cheated boss, that is a blessing, come quick la. I am at the junction to the kampung.

Boss: It better be good calling me out at this time of the night.

MP1: I am sure you would be surprised come quick, we can't hold the lorries much longer.

Boss: Okay, I'll be there in 5 minutes and remember this is a by-election so don't do anything rash.

MP1: Okay boss, we'll hold them.

Boss: Okay Mat, what is it, why are you holding these lorries.

Man1: DS, what is this your man are holding our lorries to deliver the goodies?

Boss: Yes, Mat why are you stopping these lorries. These are our gifts to the kampung people, without these how are we going to win this by-election?

Mat: But boss, you see the barang-barang first la, all used ones. Even the tar on those lorries are recycled ones. I don't know from which road they curi. See these bicycles, all use already. The tvs also sudah pakai one. See these planks, I am sure they are going to repair the suraus with used planks. We are being cheated la boss.

Boss: Come here, let's go to that tree there.

MP1: Why boss? What's the matter?

Boss: You see Mat, initially we got everything ready, everything new, then we heard that Sibu also got by-election so we change the strategy la. Where got money somemore, all habis already.

MP1: Oh, like that ka? I don't know but from which second hand shop they got all these?

Boss: No,we can't even afford to buy from second hand shops.

MP1: Then? They steal ka boss?

Boss: No these are all ours. The tar, planks and tvs and bicycles we took back from KT, Bukit Selambau, Penanti and Cangkat Jering. We lost there so we take back la. We save a lot you know.

Saturday 3 April 2010

Here we go again

DG1: Mr. TPM sir, regarding the payment for project 3145, the contractors are threatening to screw my backside if they are not paid la. Please la Mr. TPM sir.

TPM: Aisay DG, you yourself know that at present we don't have any money. As it is I don't even know how the hell we are going to pay the civil servants this month's salary so you just klentong them a bit la.

DG1: How to klentong, they are screaming. I dare not even answer their calls la.

TPM: I tell you what, you tell them that they can plan any new project they want. It doesn't matter how much the projecst cost. Send to me and I'll approve. They go ahead with the construction of the new project and I will pay for all as soon as we got the money.

DG1: Mana buleh TPM? Lama punya hutang also cannot pay, want to hutang some more ka?

TPM: This is the gomen la, sooner or later we pay them la. Okay, offer them a fifty percent discount in their income tax. I'll talk to the Inland Revenue people. Okay bye, I have to go. Ahmad get the car and lets go to Hulu selangor.

Ahmad: Okay boss, the car is ready.

TPM: Hello TPM speaking, ah yes, DG of Education. What can I do for you?

DG2: Sir, about the uniform aid for this year, so many state directors have called me to enquire if we are giving free uniform for KOKO this year?

TPM: Sure, sure, surely give one. Tell them to go ahead and collect the names.

DG2: But last year's payment pun tak bayar lagi, how to get suppliers for this year?

TPM: Aisay, you pandai pandai la. Tell them this year we increase the allocation to 120 per student, that's a 20% raise. As for payment I promise to clear all in 3 months. Okay, I am busy now.

Ahmad: Orang mintak hutang lagi ka boss?

TPM: Ya la Mat, kita mana ada duit, semua dok bayar dengan air liur saja. Si Arab2 tu janji nak hantar bulan lepas tapi tak sampai2 lagi duit tu. Ntah la mat, saya rasa awak punya OT pun saya tak buleh bayar lagi bulan ni. Pening la Mat. Simpanan kita kering habis.

Ahmad: Dah sampai boss.

Penghulu: Welcome mr. TPM sir, welcome please take your seat. I know you are busy so we will call you for a quick speech and then you feel free to go round the kampung.

TPM: Tuan, tuan dan puan puan, this government is a caring government. We have always kept our promise. We will continue to give and give and give to the people. I promise you if we win this buy-election we will build 10 more mosques. On the way here, I could not see any schools so now I am announcing an immediate grant to build 5 more secondary schools, 7 primary schools, 1 vocational school, 1 SM Teknik, 10 bridges and a dual carriageway running the whole length of this kampung. We will build a 10000 capacity Indoor Stadium,  an olympic size swimming pool and an IT centre with 200 computers ready with internet access. All students would be given a netbook and every home would be given a 50 inch LED tv. Thank you, thank you.

Penghulu: Thank you very much Mr. TPM, you are so generous.

TPM: Aaaah, no problem, negara kita kaya. Anyway how many thousand people are there in this kampung?

Penghulu: Actually we have only 52 people here.

Tuesday 30 March 2010

Don't look up.

Chief: Alright people, take your seats and lets get down to serious business. Dei! Kunjimaran, stop eating that tosai and go wash your hands now.

Kunji: Ayo, tuan sikit lagi saja la tuan.

Chief: Wash your hands now.

Kunji: Mau makan pun tak bole. Citt.

Chief: Alright people, the PM wants an immediate report about the incident with the minister yesterday. He wants to know if there was a security breach. Why did the minister suddenly started frothing and foaming and writhing on the floor of that lift.

Man1: Sir, we have reviewed the cctv footage of the incident over and over again but we have no clue whatsoever. If all could focus on the screen, there were only 3 people in the lift: the minister and his 2 bodyguards. See here, none of the bodyguards ever made any contact with him so it's impossible for them to inject anything. According to the chief of security both the guards are good people.

Kunji: Maybe the minister gila babi or what?

Man1: You shut up la kunji.

Man2: Yes, la, I was also in the viewing room last night. I think I must have played the footage a hundred times but there is just no sign.

Chief: Okay let's backtrack. Where did the minister come from?

Man4: He came straight from his house and did not stop anywhere for any food or what.

Man5: The driver dropped him at the front door of the ministry where a brief welcoming ceremony was held.

Kunji: Brief welcoming ceremony? Why?

Chief: You really bodoh la Kunji. He is a new minister what, so surely got welcoming ceremony la.

Kunji: But he sudah lama jadi minister what...... oh, oh, I see, he resign and now after he wins he sudah jadi manteri lagi satu kali la. Maybe at the ceremony got people do something to him?

Man6: No we have reviewed the cctv footage at the main entrance and we saw nothing suspicious.

Man7: Then proceeded straight to the lift.

Chief: Play the lift footage again. Haaaa! hahahahaha, I got it, I got it. This is not a sabotage, no sabotage, phew, what a relief, my job is safe.

Kunji: Apa macam you tau?

Chief: Look carefully. He walks into the lift, fidgets, looks left and right, smiles at his bodyguards and and stop! Freeze that frame. There, that's the answer.

Kunji: Apa? Where got answer? He was looking up what.

Chief: That's why la you are only an office boy. What is he looking at? Come on people.

Man3: Yes when looking up, he suddenly realises that there is a cctv camera.

Sunday 28 March 2010

Tale of the Golden Leap.

Teacher: Dennis! What book did you read during the holidays?

Dennis: I read a fairy tale from the East teacher.

Teacher: What a fairy tale from the East?

Dennis: Yes, teacher.

Teacher: Good Dennis. Class this is what I want. I want my students to read books from other parts of the world. You should not confine yourselves to books from the west only.

Dennis: Is the book good Dennis?

Teacher: Oh, it's very good teacher. I love it, in fact, when I grow up I want to be like the characters in the book.

Dennis: It must be a very good book indeed that got you wanting to emulate the characters. What's the title of the book Dennis? If it was really that good maybe we could get the library to buy some.

Dennis: Tale of The Golden Leap.

Teacher: Hmm, sounds interesting. Why do you like the book Dennis?

Dennis: It teaches readers the fastest way to be successful and rich?

Teacher: It does? Why, that's amazing, maybe I should read it myself. Can you tell us how to do it?

Dennis: Easy teacher. Be a frog and leap. That's what they did in Malaysia and they all became very-very rich.

Wednesday 24 March 2010

It's raining cats and dogs.

BigCat: This is cat country, but look, look all around you, see how dogs are getting everything.

Cat1: Yes, you are rght, sometimes it's even difficult to get fish. We must not allow dogs to take everything. We must stop them.

Cat2: Yes, we must stop the dogs. We must let them know that this is our country.

BigCat: Look there is a dog there, let's stop him. Let's see if he can answer our questions. Hey dog, come here.

Cat3: You know this is our country right?

Dog: I thought this is my country too.

Cat3: Who says this is your country, this is ours and only ours.

Dog: I have the papers to prove that this is my country too.

Cat2: Aaaah, those papers mean nothing. Typical of you dogs, you come to our country and take everything. We are left with nothing. We have to scrounge rubbish bins while you wine and dine.

Dog: That's not true, there are many dogs living a life just like yours and they don't get handouts like you. You are lucky, just because you are a cat, you get more than us dogs. We on the other hand, have to work our butts out.

Cat1: That's because this is our country. All riches in this country should go to us first and then only to you.

Dog: But we too work very hard to make this country rich, do you think it's fair that we get nothing?

Cat2: What do you mean you get nothing? Look at your kind, you have everything.

Dog: Why do you think that is so? We work hard, we don't ask for handouts. Anyway who says you get nothing? Do you think BigCat eat out of the rubbish bin?

BigCat: What are you trying to prove?

Dog: What is your occupation sir? From what I know, you don't earn enough to live the life you are living.

Cat2: What are you getting at?

Dog: Come on fellas, don't you think that it's common knowledge that all you top leaders are not actually scrounging for a living? Everyone knows that it's the common members that are hard up. You and your advisors are not actually poor.

BigCat: It's because we work hard.

Dog: Bullshit. It's because all your riches are given to you, you don't have to work. All the riches for cats are not distributed rairy. Only you big cats get the loot while the rests are given nothing. We know that there are dogs behind most of you supposedly succesful cats. Who are there behind us ordinary dogs?

BigCat: Shut up you scoundrel.

Dog: Don't you think we know there are really huge dogs behind you? You think we don't know that you actually want to be a very big shot in the ruling committee but because of the disease that you have they could only offer you a small position, too small for you to get to the top, so, you instigate ordinary small cats and with their support the committee will have no alternative but to offer you a post near the top. Who is going to benefit most from it if not a few invisible big dogs?

Cat3: What nonsense is this. What disease are you talking about.

Dog: Have you ever watched him sleep?

Cat3: No. Why?

Dog: Dogs, cats, cows snores but he goes ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.

Sunday 21 March 2010

The Neighbours

Wife: Honey, honey, come here, faster la.

Husband: Stop being a busy body la .

Wife: No la, come and look, something strange is happening la.

Husband: To you, everything is strange.

Wife: This time it is really strange la.

Husband: What? Who?

Wife: Look at that, isn't that Zack?

Husband: Yes, so?

Wife: Look carefully la, isn't he in Usmanov's house?

Husband: You crazy ka? You think Mr. Pakri would allow him to go there ka?

Wife: That's why I say it's strange. What has happened? Abang, you go there la, try to korek what happened?

Husband: What you think I Lingam ka, want to korek korek all.

Wife: Ala, don't joke la, go la. Pretend la you want to borrow something, go la.

Husband: Okay la. If I don't do it, you would be bugging me the whole day. Where's my underwear, sarong and singlet?

Wife: Aya not so loud la.

Husband: Er, Mr. Usmanov, Mr. Usmanov.

Usmanov: Oh, Mr. Kaypo. Hold on a minute, I'll open the gate.

Husband: Sorry la to disturb you early in the morning like this but I wonder if I could borrow yesterday's Star?

Usmanov: Yesterday's? I have today's if you want, why read yesterday's?

Husband: No la, my son called and asked me to read a certain article. He said it concerns my company. I know you read The Star so could I borrow it? I'll return it later.

Usmanov: No problem. Honey, could you find yesterday's Star please, mr. kaypo wants to borrow it. Er, why don't you come in and have a drink or something.

Husband: Never mind la, here also can la. Errr, isn't that Zack at the back there?

Usmanov: Yes.

Husband: Why, you and Pakri are friends already ka now? I mean everyone in the neighbourhood knows that you both don't see eye to eye.

Usmanov: What? Friends with Pakri? You mad ka? Zack came here on his own. I saw him at my gate one rainy night. he was alone so I took him in.

Husband: Waa, you very good la Usmanov. Is he okay? He doesn't kacau you or what? I mean I heard from you last time that he was a trouble maker.

Usmanov: Maybe at the Pakri's he is like that la but here he is okay, very well behaved and very obedient. Hold on, Zack, Zack come here. Sit, sit Zack. Aaaaah, good dog. He barks very loud too.

Friday 12 March 2010

Hey Zul!

Hello Zul. Waa! long time no see la. Do you remember during the last elections? Yes, the 8th of March 2008. Yes, that one. You remember one day in the run up to the elections I got a comment from you or one of your people but it was signed by you begging me to canvass for votes for you? You know what I did? You don't? I did canvass for you. Why you asked? Because you stood under the PKR banner and therefore represented PR.

Well, Zul, what is this I heard that you were sacked from PKR. I heard you were quite unbecoming. Did you really say that you wanted a disciplinary committee of Muslims only? What? You did?

Waa terror la you Zul. Hmm, please hold on while I go back to your comments in my blog. Hmm, not here, not here, not here, aahhhh!!!! Here it is. Hmm let me see. Hey Zul, something is wrong la here. Yes, there is something wrong. You did not ask me to canvass for votes from Muslims only la.

What? You forgot? I'm sure you must have forgotten, what with the campaigns here and campaigns there and the many sleepless nights and taking care of your all Muslim workers and ...., What? Come again. What? You had non Muslims working for you? Oh! That's awkward.

Oh, I see, you were making use of them right? Waaaaa, clever la you. But Zul, do you think you have done the rght thing? Don't you think Islam frown on that kind of thing? What? You know better? Oh, ok,

What? You did not ask them to vote for you? What is that you just said? Why they all so gatal want to vote for you? Yes, la Zul. You got a point there la. Why they all so gatal to vote for you.
I think ah Zul, they all voted for you because you stood under the PKR banner la.

I think ah, Zul, why don't you contact the SPR and ask them for a list of all the non Muslims who voted for you la. What? How would the SPR know who voted for you? Are you really a lawyer? Why I asked that? Because that was a dumb question to ask. They did write the serial numbers against the voters' name didn't they?

Well, back to my suggestion. After you have got all the names, you go to their houses and give them a good scolding la Zul. You shout at them; you scream at them; you demand from them to know why they voted for you. You tell them real good that you don't want no non Muslim votes. You do that Zul. You shout in their faces la Zul.

Then Zul, you go to the houses of all the non Muslim members of the discplinary committee and tell them that you don't listen to non Muslims. You tell them that they are nothing Zul.

Then Zul, when you go to court, you tell all those non Muslim Judges and Magistrates that they are not fit to be judges. You tell them real good Zul.

Since you are already in full steam in your crusade, why don't you go back to all those non Muslim teachers and tell them that all their lessons meant nothing to you. You tell them real good Zul. Tell them it was the Muslim teachers who got you where you are now Zul.

Come to think of it, why don't you join Perkasa Zul. They are meant for Malays and therefore Muslims only. No Zul, you should not join PAS because they have supporters clubs. Psst! let me tell you a secret. The supporters club is filled with non Muslims only. Can you believe that. What has happened to this country.

You should join Perkasa Zul. Together you draw up a new constitution. Yes, a constitution that says that non Muslims, can't be members of disciplinary committees. Hey you should also include that they can't be judges. Heck!, why stop at that. Now you include that they should also pay for the air that they breathe because the air is Muslim air.

Now don't forget what I have just said to you and Zul, if you should meet the Perkasa people, could you do me a favour? Could you please give them the middle finger and say that it is from me. OK, see you.

black sabbath-children of the grave

Need I apologise for the kind of music that feeds my heart? No, I don't have to. This is my kinda music and I simply love it. Well, I guess they are right when they coin the phrase,' you either like it or hate it'.


Wednesday 3 March 2010

Black Sabbath - Sweet Leaf

Well fancy, I was looking up Iron Man on you tube when I stumbled upon this old memory.
My band played this song in BM High for our concert in 1973. Jalil you remember?
We borrowed Lan to play drums.
Oh yes Sweat :Leaf is supposed to mean Marijuana.

Sunday 28 February 2010

Barang baik one.

Deserter: Wah lucky la I left my old party, if not how to come to Washington free of charge?

DoubleJay: That's why la. You should have joined us earlier. If you had joined us before the elections, you wouldn't have so much problems?

Deserter: Don't talk la you. If I had joined before the elections you think you all would pick me ka? Surely you pick some Gerakan or MCA fella one.

DoubleJay: Aaah, let's not talk about those things la. Let's finish our work first, then we enjoooooooooy!!!!!!!

Deserter: Hey, that barang baik also got come here ka?

DoubleJay: Sure got come la. For work and entertainment. We all, when overseas, always got fantastic entertainment one.

Deserter: That is why I follow you all here because I heard barang baik is also coming.

DoubleJay: Ok, ok, let's do our work first. Everytime they ask you question, you say AI is not good. You make stories la. I'm sure you know how to make stories.

Deserter: You don't worry about that la. I had plenty of practice when I was a sarkas party member last time but remember, tonight, I pakai barang baik first ah!!

DoubleJay: Ok la, you pakai first.

(At Night)

knock knock knock

Deserter: Is that you sayaaaaang?

BB: Yes la abang. Open the door la.

Deserter: Ok ok. Waaaaa!!! Sayang, you look simply sumptious tonight. I feel like I want to makan you right here at the door.

BB: Eh eh abang, don't be gelojoh la. Let's go in first.

Deserter: Sure gelojoh la. You janji 10 o'clock now 11 baru you datang.

BB: I was on the way here at 10 but suddenly DoubleJay grabbed me and pulled me into his room la abang. I cannot tahan him la. He smells of curut. You tak hisap curut kan?

Deserter: No no I don't like curut, faster faster.

BB: Be patient la abang. We have the whole night.

Deserter: Oh, Epol, I can't wait la.

Monday 15 February 2010

Potong Shop

Man1: Hey really ka this shop got cheap BMW?

Man2: Betoi, I tell you, just last week my friend bought a Merc for very cheap.

Man1: Then how come not many people here? If really cheap one sure got plenty of people here what?

Man2: That is because, they don't have cheap cars everyday. When got then only they will advertise secretly.

Man1: So they told you today got la?

Man2: Yes, last night they called me, they say got good barang one.

Man1: How come they sell so chep one? The cars all stolen ka?

Man2: No la stolen one they send to Thailand or Singapore, this one accident one. If got accident car, they potong la. One potong in front, the other potong behind then they sambung la, but their workmanship very good one, no one can know the difference one.

Man1: I don't care one whether potong or sambung as long as I can get a BMW cheap. Come go in.

Man2: Hey, Ah Hong, got ah the one you called me last night?

Hong: Aiya Kassim, why you so late? I just sold that one la. Who this fellow with you?

Man2: My friend la. He wants to buy the BMW.

Hong: I say sorry la, sold already. Camry got la.

Man1: Good or not? New one ka?

Hong: Sure good one. We can give you guarantee some more.

Man1: Got grant or not? Nanti I want to do road tax kena sangkut pulak.

Hong: I say, kawan, cannot sangkut one. All kow tim already. JPJ and PUSPAKOM sudah makan one. Don't worry la.

Man1: I really wanted a BMW la but Camry also can la but must see first la.

Hong: Jom lets go.

Man1: Go where?

Man2: Go see the car la.

Man1: Why not here ka?

Hong: This car baru siap only, now they all polish so still in our workshop la, come I show you, you like, we arrange everything, 2 days can take already.

Man1: Okay lets go. Far ka?

Hong: About 2 hours la.

Man1: Waa, your workshop in the jungle ka?

Hong: Yes la, where can potong in the open? Here the Camry, you like or not?

Man1: Waa! Very nice ah. Hey Ah Hong, lorry also you potong ka?

Hong: Got, but this month no lorry.

Man1: That one, so long one, not lorry ka?

Man2: Yes la Ah Hong, that one there at the back?

Hong: Aiya that one ah, my mechanics made mistake so they send back la.

Man1: Make mistake, but you say sure okay one.

Hong: If car can la but this one submarine, first time we try, all okay already, but suddenly after delivery cannot dive, so they send back la. Rugi la this one.

Man1: Waaaaaaa! Submarine potong also got ka?

Saturday 13 February 2010

Friday 12 February 2010

Austerity Drive

Director: Ok people, take your seats and be silent please, the minister would be here in a minute.

Minister: Good morning and please be seated. That was a nice breakfast you served and the dances were superb but I would like to to stress that we are currently running on a poor man's budget.

Officer: Meaning sir?

Minister: Good question there. From now on, I don't want all these welcoming functions with expensive makans and dances and fireworks. No more renting of canopies. We are on an austerity drive so we must save wherever we can.

Director: Do you hear that people? The minister doesn't want wastage. I told you all about this but you are stubborn.

Officer: But sir, it was you who....

Director: Shut up and don't interupt me when I am talking. Be seated and let the minister finish what he has come to say.

Minister: Thank you. From now on there will be no more overtimes. If you need to work extra, we will replace with a day off for every 6 hours of extra work you put in.

Officer 2: But, we all have a lot of commitments.....

Minister: Shut up! Don't interupt. There will no more be mileage claims. You will all be paid RM26 flat per month for mileage.

Officer 3: But even one trip could cost us more than that?

Minister: I know that is why I have ordered that there be no more courses or meetings or briefings. Use the internet. There will be no more phone bill claims.

Officer: How are we going to call people then?

Minister: Don't call them. If they need you, they call you. Use email to contact them. No more airconds from tomorrow onwards.

Director: But sir, this office is completely closed, my people would die.

Minister: Never mind, I have already allocated RM5 million to renovate this office to put in a few windows and add a few fans. My brother's company would be coming in to do the renovation tomorrow.

Officer 4: But we use up only about RM2K a month for electricity? Wouldn't RM5 million be too much?

Minister: Shut up. What do you know about economics? I know better, that is why the people elected me.

Officer: Are we going to lelong the present airconds?

Minister: No, the units will be donated to a few UMNO Bahagians and this office is responsible to pay their electricity bills. Director, reserve about 10K amonth for these.

Director: But sir....

Minister: Shut up, no buts. On my way in, I saw that the compound is just not up to the mark. The gate is old and the guardhouse is just like an outhouse. I am using RM10 million of the poor people relief fund for a new guardhouse and landscaping. My brother's company would handle that. So people, I would like to remind you that we have to serve the people and we should do that by not wasting. All allocation should go directly to the people. Any questions?

Officer 6: Sir, I hope you wouldn't see this as a waste but our toilets are old and not up to the mark. This would not reflect well on this department sir.

Minister: Oh, that's bad, that's bad. We don't want the people to think lowly of us. How many toilets do you have?

Director: 5 sir.

Minister: Hmmmm 5, ....... Okay I'll use up 30 million of the OKU unused fund to upgrade the toilets. RM5 million per toilet and the other 5 million is to upgrade the surau.

Director: But we don't have a surau sir. There's a mosque just outside the gate. Our people and visitors use the mosque for prayers.

Minister: Oh, that is a mosque outside there? No, no, I don't want our people to leave the premise for prayers. Mr Director get a 10x10 area for a surau. Of course my brother will handle this. Okay, I am done. Ahmad come lets go to the mosque outside there. I hope we could find something to repair. If there is any, I'll allocate 35 million, 34 for my brother and 1 for your second wife.


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