Tuesday 24 February 2009

The Investigation

Boss: Okay, open up the books and lets see if there are any irregularities.

Officer: Boss, page 1 itself has so many. There are so many spelling mistakes.

Boss: You idiot, I am not talking about spelling mistakes, we are suppose to look for mismanagement or corrupt acts, you are a real donkey la.

Officer: If I am a donkey why then you took me in, in the first place? It was you who interviewed me.

Boss: I took you because I know you are a donkey. I took you in because I don't want thinking people around, just follow orders.

Officer: Oh and I thought you took me in because I was the cleverest of the Pemuda group in my kampung.

Boss: Just look for irregularities okay.

Officer: What about this. They passed housng projects on dangerous hillslopes?

Boss: Huh! When?

Officer: 2005.

Boss: No, nothing irregular.

Officer: They build kampung roads for 5 million a km in 2002.

Boss: No, next one.

Officer: They bought prime real estates in Mecca and later sold for the same amount, no profit at all. 2006 and 2007.

Boss: Can you get something more recent? Just look for something after 8 March 2008. All before that is unimportant.

Officer: But boss, those before that date are all irregular, how come you say they are not important?

Boss: Didn't I tell you that I took you in to just follow orders and not to think? I'll do the thinking here, that's why I am boss, head of this commission.

Officer: There is none that I can find.

Boss: What? None? Are you sure? Have you scrutinised everything?

Officer: Yep boss, every letter in every page, all I can find are some spelling mistakes.

Boss: What about that thing there?

Officer: What thing?

Boss: That one with the words 'lembu' there?

Officer: Oh, this one. There is nothing wrong boss. They bought cows to slaughter for the poor. Wah! they all good people la boss.

Boss: What they bought cows to slaughter for the poor? That is not right. They are not supposed to do that. Those people are poor because they chose to be so. Its not the government's business to help them.

Officer: But boss, this is for Hari raya Haji la boss, korban la boss.

Boss: What Raya Haji, what korban? This one cannot, it's mismanagement, it's improper.

Officer: But what's wrong boss?

Boss: Let me see the report. Look at the price. Why so cheap? If it had been the dentist, I am sure the price would have been higher, stupid people.

Officer: But boss, cheap la good. I cannot comprehend you la boss.

Boss: Like I said, you are not paid to think, just follow orders. Book him.

Saturday 21 February 2009

Flaccid erection.

Could a pig from Malaysia, if taken to the best plastic surgeon in the world, a surgeon who could tranform a hippopotamus into Angelina Jolie, and then made up by the best makeup artist that has ever walked the face of the Earth, pass off as a human being?

The answer would obviously be NO. A pig would always be a pig unless it has been turned into bacon. To a Muslim, this transformed entity is still haram to eat and touch. Muslims can't earn a living from pigs.

Okay, some of you would want to know why am I suddenly interested in this piggy thing? Well actually you are wrong. I am not interested in Pigs at all but more to the word TRANSFORM. Heck it could be an elephant, or a frog or a dog or whatever.

You see, an old body, which was only an agency has been transformed into a commission. From ACA which has only three letters it has been transformed to MACC with four letters. Wow! four letters instead of three. They added another C. The extra C was not only meant to shout to the world that XP has gone Vista but also to emphasise the word corruption. It is kind of a double emphasis.

Well, what has this tranformed entity done so far? Has it proven that it has since dropped its baby teeth for fangs? Has it proven that the once empty sac dangling just beneath its groin has since been filled with balls? Has it proven that the name change has viagraised it? Has it proven that it is now a true macho man instead of the pondan it was before?

The answer lies in what happened in Kedah and Selangor and Perak. Reports of corruptions by BN people in trying to buy over PR representatives are being investigated buy their gardeners. The MACC is more interested in the purchase of cows to feed the poor and the maintainance of a certain car. The MACC is more interested in wanting to question Sivakumar in Perak, besides of course, hauling up lowly clerks who skimmed a few hundred here and a few hundred there and apprehending constables picking up tips for services rendered such as non-issuance of traffic summonses

I could only surmise that this new commission still has baby teeth; it's sac still sags empty; It can't be helped by viagra and it is as pondan as ever.

Monday 16 February 2009

Don't give up.

Eli, don't resign. Don't listen to that botox tempe fella. What did you do? You slept in the nude and a boyfriend took those pics.

It is not that you left your husband at home taking care of the children while you were going out screwing everyman you meet.

It's not that you had to rent hotel rooms and with the aid of porn, coaxed your boyfriend's dick to wake up and got caught by cctv.

It's not that you were caught in close-proximity by some religious department officers at a beach-side resort and the balless officers were forced to ease off by extreme pressure from upstairs.

It's not that you met that boyfriend of yours in Singapore and then had a fling in Paris and finally you blew your boyfriend up.

It's not that your brother in law and you have been doing it upstairs and downstairs and you ended up giving birth but your position prevented the authorities from taking action against you.

Its not that you are the daughter of a well-known politician who has been having an affair with a celebrity and for some reason that celebrity is found dead.

Those people responsible: the one who sold the photos and the ones who circulated them for political reasons, are offspring of the lowest form of prostitutes.

Don't give up, don't resign.

Saturday 14 February 2009

Its on a Tuesday.

Well the dates are now known, I can't remember when is nomination but by-elections would be on the 7th of April, simultaneously. Oh yes, one more thing, they are doing it on a Tuesday. I heard the PR are crying foul over the date but come on, they have not exceeded the 60 days requirement. Tsk tsk tsk, shame on you.

Hey they are doing it on the 58th day, that still makes them 2 days early. I heard one on the members of the committee suggested that it be held on 4th of April which is a Saturday and they dragged him to a dungeon and flogged him and to make him not complain, they sent him to Epol for a blowjob.

Actually the Malaysian public are becoming too suspicious. Yes, we are just too suspicious. Just because it would be held on a Tuesday, doesn't mean there is a hidden agenda? Actually I was inforned by a very reliable source that they did not want to have it on a weekend because they did not want to disrupt family plans.

They knew that many kampung folks had made plans to go to Disney land in Hong Kong, France and the US and would only be able to make it home on Sunday. So after one day rest, they could perform their patriotic duty in Tuesday. That was all, nothing sinister about it.

I am aghast that it could cross some of our minds that the SPR acted in favour of the ruling Government. How could you? They are so squeaky clean that the United Nation had suggested that they conduct UN elections.

Now let me tell you how clean our SPR is. Do you know that one of the members suggested that the elections be held in an army camp in Johore? Do you know that he even went as far as to suggest that voters must whisper their choice to UMNO youth officers who would be stationed at the doors and these officers would then proceed to a secret room and vote? Do you know that for that he was asked to right 1 hundred lines? See how dignified our SPR people are.

There was also another suggestion that the SPR cite security as an excuse to declare a one week curfew one day before elections and 5 days after. So the only way to conduct the elections would be to count the postal votes only.?

Come on people cut them some slack. I tell you, the date was chosen not because they wanted to give UMNO enough time to go on with their party elections first. Its is also not to allow the mainstream media to have many many field days demonising the PR. It is unthinkable that they wanted to give someone the time to squeeze the balls of would be UMNO dissenters. It is definitely not to make it difficult for outside voters to come home and vote. It is surely not to enable the SPR to have enough time to make adjustments to the electoral roll. Never ever think that it is to enable the SPR to register a few thousand more postal voters.

No, no it could never be any one of the above. All of the above, maybe.

Friday 13 February 2009

Bye-Bye Elections

Chairman: Okay people, lets get to business. Mat kill your cigarette, you know you can't smoke here so why do you still do it?

Mat: Alaa boss, since when do we care for rules and regulations?

Chairman: Just kill the ciggy and lets start with the first business of the day. Secretary, what's the first business for this morning?

Sec: The by-elections sir?

Chairman: Oh yes, you guys know that 2 seats are now vacant so we have to do what's natural.

Salleh: Boss, I have done my homework and the best date I could get are these, I am handing out the dates here.

Chairman: What's this, what's this? What are you doing? Who are you?

Salleh: I am Salleh sir, I am new here but since I knew this meeting is to fix the dates for nomination and elections in the 2 places, I took the liberty to look up some suitable dates and believe me sir, these are the best dates available.

Mat: Salleh, just keep quiet okay.

Chairman: Oh, you are new ha? Since you are new, I am not going to kill you, please be quiet and let me finish first before you speak.

Salleh: Ooops! Sorry sir, its just that I thought I could help by being a little pro-active.

Chairman: Is this guy for real? I've never heard of pro-active government servants. Hey, he is giving us a bad reputation la.

Mat: Salleh please la, just sit down and be quiet. I'll tell you how we operate later.

Chairman: Thank you Mat. Okay guys, can anyone suggest how do we NOT have this by-elections?

Wednesday 11 February 2009

By-election phobia

I am not surprised when I read this morning that it seems that The Sultan of Kedah would now want to meet Aru and hear from his mouth whether he resigned willingly or was forced and by forced it would mean that PKR forced him to resign.

Since he is reported to be in Chennai the SPR might be or are already planning to use this as an excuse to delay fixing the date for a by-election in Bt Selambau.

I don't know what it is with this government, they use to love by-elections but now just the mention of a by-election sends shivers shooting straight down to their balls.

So what happens if they can't find him, what if he decides Chennai is a nice place to live with his second or third or fourth wife? Would this mean that the seat would be vacant indefinitely or the seat would be considered not vacant?

I don't know the law but is there a law which states that should the elected representative of a particular seat be missing for a certain amount of time the speaker has the right to declare the seat vacant? Someone help out here please.

If there is no such a ruling then I see this as a ploy to not have a by-election there in Bt. Selambau. The SPR would dearly love to wait until Aru shows up to clarify this matter no matter how long. Never mind they are very patient.

What's the big deal man, its only a by-election, a fiesta which UMNO used to love and UMNO contractors used to dream of. Hey, aren't we in a recession or slipping into one? I thought I read somewhere the PM asking all ministries to start spending some extra cash, something like 7 billion, to give the economy a much needed kick in the groin so now is the best time. Call for a by-election in Bt Selambau too and start pouring in millions, its sure to rejuvenate an ailing bankrupt economy or could it be that a victory is not within their grasps considering Aru's majority there that prompts this sudden disdain by the BN government for by-elections.

I wonder if they are looking for ways to delay the  Bt Gantang by election too? Who knows they would now like to know if it was really Roslan who passed away or was it an imposter so don't be surprised if the SPR said that they are trying to get a court order to exhume the grave and through the aid of a Shaman who would obviously be a card carrying UMNO member, they would like to question the body if it actually was Roslan. If the dead body answered in the affirmative they would like to know if it was coerced or forced to die.

Tuesday 10 February 2009

Impasse Breaking

Well it looks like we are going to have 2 by-elections, either simultaneously or consecutively but what ever it is, it would be an interesting thing to follow.

Well lets go straight to Bt. Gantang in Perak. It comes fresh from the latest impasse in Perak and its 2 governments. We have the 'official' BN government which I think is an illegitimate government and the ex-government headed by Nizar.

As much as I mourn the passing of the former MP of Bt Gantang who according to reliable sources rebuffed the BN's attempts at buying him over, his passing away sets in motion a mechanism to break an impasse the latest crisis created.

Both Nizar and Zambry claim to be the constitutional MB of Perak. Nizar has a point in which experts believed his sacking was unconstitutional and of course Zambry claims that his piggyback ride to the MB's office is constitutional simply because the DPM said so.

So how do we break this? Simple. Pit them together in the Bt. Gantang by-elections. Winner takes all. Okay, never mind, that is asking too much. If Zambry wins then the PR should back off completely and recognise Zambry's government but if Nizar wins then the BN must agree to the dissolution of the state assembly of Perak paving the way for a fresh state election.

Common I am being very fair in offering this solution. The BN should agree because they are one election away from being recognised but to the PR after this victory there would be an expensive state election to face before reclaiming what is rightfully theirs?

I hope no PR people would screw me up for trying to be clever. Anyway, who am I for them to listen to but I do hope that both sides would agree to this way of settling this whole messy affair. What about it BN? Are you game? Anyway, the last MP won Bt Gantang with not a very comfortable victory.

Oh, one more thing, I hope there would not suddenly be a huge surge in the number of postal votes in Bt. Gantang. This kind of thing suddenly but expectedly happens you know. All of a sudden we could have about 20 thousand police people and another 25 thousand army personnel registered in Bt. Gantang.

Now lets go up north to Bt. Selambau. I am told that there would be a by election there too. Lets see if the SPR recognises Aru's resignation letter. In this land anything could happen. Who knows, the SPR would suddenly demand to meet Aru in person and hear about his intention to relinquish his seat in person? I wouldn't be surprised if the meeting would be held somewhere in Bt. Aman or in Pekan and the outcome of the meeting be a press conference fronted by a beaming DPM announcing another froggie act.

Should there be a by-election which I think would be between a PKR man against an MIC goon, I hope the PKR choose their candidate well. Even a slight trace of amphibionism ( I know there is no such word) tendency should render the candidate a sure no no.

If the PR retained both seats then the BN should not be so 'muka tak malu' as to still claim that they still has the majority support but if the PR lost both 'fairly' then they should back off and realise that its already the 27th of Dec and the Tsunami is history.

Sunday 8 February 2009


Ind: Haiya now I veli happy one. Veli syiok one.

BN: Why you so happy nyonya? I heard people say, the people all hate you one because you lompat here with us.

Ind: I sure happy la, now I can be the ekseko ma.

BN: Ekseko? What is that nyonya?

Ind: Aiya lu, ekseko oso you dono ka? That Ekesekiyutif people lor.

BN: Oh that one ka? Exco ka?

Ind: Yes la, ekseko la. That one la I say.

BN: What makes you think you can get to be exco?

Ind: Sure la, the no 2 man say he will make me the ekseko what.

BN: He said that to you ka?

Ind: Echerly ha, I ask to be the no 2 menteli busat but he say cannot one. Then I ask to be the depiyuti menteli busat he say cannot oso, then he say he can gib me the ekseko post one. I think, I think and I think I say okay la but for sik month only, after that I want to be the depiyuti menteli busat. He say okay ma.

BN: I think nyonya, you cannot la be exco la.

Ind:Why? Why you say laidat? I knock your hek la.

BN: Aiya nyonya, how to be exco, you no degree one.

Ind: What I no digili? I got thermometer can read in selsiyus and oso felenhait one, what no digili?

BN: There you see, that one also you don't understand, degree la, university education la.

Ind: What must got university education ka? Then that Din why they all want to give him ekseko? He posman only what, evelyday kling, kling, kling, some more got chase by the anjing one. Why he no malu ka, go to Penang find the ayam one, some more veli kolapsyen one, that one can be ekseko ka?

BN: You also corrupt what, you take money to lompat, that one not corruption ka?

Ind: That one not kolapsyen la, that one insyulen.

BN: I say nyonya, you be deputy speaker enough la.

Ind: Depiyuti speaker your father hek. No, I say I want to be ekseko, I want to be ekseko, if not I go back to my old party.

BN: Your old party oso don't want you la. Never mind, you be the zoo ekseko, you want ah?

Ind: What ekseko oso niau mind one, as long as people call me ekseko. Hey when want to gib me the Latok Sili ha?

Wednesday 4 February 2009

A layman's view

In all probability, the BN would be the next State Government of Perak with the about turn of Nasharudin for reasons known only to him and also the defections of 3 PR elected representatives to the other side. Okay what does this whole, at times dirty and at times intriguing, episode tells us.

Speaking from my point of view, the point of view of a layman who doesn't know much about politics but being 53 could claim to know a little bit about human beings. I offer the following shallow points.

One thing this episode tells us very vividly is that not only are UMNO politicians dirty, the DAP also has dirty politicians in their midst. Yes, I know some would say I did not mention PKR but unfairly pointed my fingers at DAP. Please read on.

The Malay members of PKR are mostly ex-UMNO people and frankly I am not surprised that Man and Din would do what they did. I would not be surprised either if more Malay PKR elected representatives would cross over in time to come but I am indeed surprised that the DAP lady decided to do an Ibrahim Ali too. So Karpal, the one whom I voted in the last 2 elections, you can't shout KATAK at Ibrahim Ali alone. Be on the lookout for more potential Ibrahims in your midst.

Next, would be the PR itself. Sad to say, you started it and it looks like you fell victim to your own scheme. No, that doesn't mean I am ditching you, for stupid as I maybe, I do know that this is not something unexpected in Malaysian politics. This is definitely not the first and would definitely not be the last unless the law clearly states that such an act is illegal. Even if there is such a law, I am willing to bet my prick head that it would be interpreted differently had this happened in Negeri Sembilan with BN lawmakers quiting to join the opposition camp.

Then there is the matter of strategy or the lack of it. It looks like the Perak PR government is naive to think that they could just send in those 'resignation' letters and the EC would call for a by-election. Nizar had the chance yesterday, in fact much earlier, to dissolve the state assembly but did not. Had he done that yesterday or earlier when the two and the DAP lady had not made their stand clearly enough, the Sultan would have been persuaded to just give his Royal Consent. This is a clear case of too little too late. You should foresee what's coming because you know who your opponents are and what they are capable of doing. Don't tell me you were caught off-guarded. Sorry to say this, but you must be at least a little bit of a political animal to succeed in politics.

Okay I am not going to waste your time. I am going to go to the most important point in this post of mine. I am sure najib himself is not actually smiling from ear to ear. His smiles on tv would only be that of a politician's smile. The fact remains, and he knows it, that the people of Perak elected more PR candidates as they did BN's. He knows that this victory is not reflective of the people's wishes and he knows that many people are unhappy about this whole show.

Najib knows too that he can't change UMNO and other BN component party leaders, not in at least 20 years. He knows that what made the people rejected BN candidates would not change because the BN people only know to do things the BN way which incidentally incurred the people's wrath during their last visit to the ballot boxes. He knows that come next election the BN might suffer so much that no amount of defections could change things.

Win Win

Sarkas1: Thank God they have joined us now.

Sarkas2: Who?

Sarkas1: Man and Din la?

Sarkas2: Why? Why are you so happy? Its not good for you what.

Sarkas1: What do you mean its not good for me?

Sarkas2: If ever we wrested control of the state surely the 2 will be made MB and Deputy MB so you will get nothing la.

Sarkas1: That one I don't care la, I get to be exco also enough already, less headache, after all I am not so clever to head the state.

Sarkas2: So you don't mind if they head the state?

Sarkas1: Aah, go to hell with that la. I am thrilled right now.

Sarkas2: What if we did not get to wrest control of the state, would you still be thrilled?

Sarkas1: Whether we are the gov or not is not the matter, the fact that I can be friends with them is giving me an orgasm right now.

Sarkas2: Why, I don't see anything special about those two, I wonder what you see in them.

Sarkas1: That's the problem with you, you wouldn't know a good thing if it hits you in the face. They are valuable la.

Sarkas2: A good thing? Valuable? I still can't see it.

Sarkas1: If I play my cards right, which I'll make sure I do, I can get into their closed circle. That's the good thing.

Sarkas2: Either, you don't make sense or I am a bit blurr today but I still don't get you la.

Sarkas1: Who knows they might take me along for their rendezvous in Penang to taste the China Mali Ayam there?


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