Friday 28 August 2009

The Invitation


We learnt from the press and are very happy to note that you chose not to meddle into our party's internal affair. Only great visionary leaders would take and make public such a stand. Thank you sir.

We would also like to prove to all party members and the public on the whole that we are not a bunch of committee members who act according to our whims and fancies.

We hereby extend this invitation to discuss the sacking and the impact it would have on the party. We promise to adhere to anything that you would recommend for we believe you are a wise leader.

Below is the programe for the meeting.

Date: 30-08-09
Place: Bangsar Hard Rock Cafe
Time: 10.00pm

10.00pm: Secretary's speech
12.00pm: President's speech and briefing
4.00am : Discussion
4.05am : Meeting ends.

Once again we would like to reiterate that we are solidly behind you and your policies.

Yours Sincerely

Secretary General

Wednesday 26 August 2009

Flat Tyre

Lawyer: When they were questioning him, did you notice if anyone had been rough to him?

Witness: No, because I did not see them questioning him.

Lawyer: Why?

Witness: You see, its like this, the night before that, while I was driving home from work, I had a flat tyre. When I checked, I realised that I didn't have an inflated spare so I took the deflated spare and rolled it for about 5kms to the nearest petrol station to inflate it. Then I rolled it back to the car and after changing the flat I was already very tired. When I reached home, my wife was waiting for me with a broom. She accused me of coming home after enjoying myself. We had a big quarrel that night and I couldn't sleep till morning. Then suddenly it was already time to go to work. When I reached the office I was already dead tired. I worked till night and was asked to look over the investitigation. When the officers were investigating I fell asleep so I did not know what happened.

Lawyer: Thanks for the long story but since, as you said, you were very tired, why did you not inform your superiors and get a replacement.

Witness: I can't, because just the week before I told them the same story to be excused from duty. If I were to tell them that the same thing had happened, they wouldn't believe me.

Lawyer: Why are you afraid to tell them since it is the truth?

Witness: Because I had told that story 6 times before.

Lawyer: So you have a habit of having flat tyres in the middle of the night and each time your spare tyre was deflated?

Witness: Yes, I don't know why it always happens to me.

Lawyer: I put it to you that you are lying. You saw him being roughed up and beaten.

Witness: No he was not beaten up.

Lawyer: How do you know since you said you were asleep.

Witness: If they had beaten him up he would surely have made noise and surely I could have heard it.

Lawyer: But your story suggested that you did not get any sleep the night before and that you had to walk for 10 kilometers rolling tyres and then had to work the whole day into the night, surely you must have slept like a log.

Witness: Yes, la, but if they had beaten him, surely he would have screamed and shouted "I did not do it, I did not do it, don't beat me please, I have my rights".

Lawyer: How do you know that that would be his words and not just screams of pain?

Witness: From experience, many others would screamed like that la.

Lawyer: From experience? You mean beatings were meted out on others before this?

Witness: No la, I mean I saw this type of beatings in Hindi movies and the victims would scream something like that la.

Lawyer: You are a liar, you expect us to believe you? The cctv shows you walking about at 2 in the morning.

Witness: Yes, la I was very tired, I must have been walking in my sleep. I always do that when I am tired.

Lawyer: Are you tired now?

Witness: Yes, last night I had a flat tyre and did not sleep after quarelling with my wife.

Lawyer: So are you awake now or are you talking in your sleep?

Monday 24 August 2009

Yes, the memories came flooding back.

I was facebooking around if there was such a word, this morning when I decided to go to Muki's page. Muki or Mokhtiar Singh was and I hope still is a member of the JACHFRINS group, now of course minus CHF, may Allah bless their souls. Funny though, his pet name is no more Muki, it is now Mok. I think he changed it to Mok eversince he married Mindy, but that is another story.

No, it is not the JACHFRINS that this post is written about, but then knowing how notorious I am about going haywire when I write, I may just end up giving it more than just a mention. There I go again.

Well anyway, at Muki's page I saw that he was a member of a group called the High School group. I didn't waste anytime. The click on the link was met with this.

Oh man, my old High School badge. The school motto quickly came back to me. ACCOMPLISH OR DO NOT BEGIN. Of course the one on the badge was in Latin. Let me see. Hold on guys, I got to go back to the group's page to get the Latin words. Yeap I got it. it's AUT COEPISSE NOLI AUT CONFICE. I got this from the High School page, if something is wrong then don't blame me.

The memories came flooding back. Shit man, how I miss those school days. No, I wasn't a terror, definitely not a nerd, not an athelete and my teachers would die laughing if anyone were to say I was a bookworm, nope, sorry to dissapoint you, I was just a average student, as average as average could be.

I was in average classes, getting average or below average scores. Only played rugby and cricket for Colin King house. I was too average to play for the school. The only non-average thing about me while in school was my participation in anything musical.

I think I have written about this somewhere in my earlier post but, since this is the only good thing I have to say about me, so why not. In form 1, I was very active. Was the 1st speaker for the Colin King House form 1 debating team and we came out champions. Got 3 first prizes in the talentime competitions and was the class choir conductor and we came out second in the form one competitions.

I represented BM in a choir competition. Our boys and the BM Convent girls had a mixed team. I was one of the 4 boys accompanying the team on guitars.

I was in the school band and we performed at a few public functions, one in a particular, on a 24 hour's notice.

Okay what else, hmmm, oh okay academically I was just average. I only managed to get an academic prize when I came out best student for English Literature in my form 5.

I have another achievement that I am very proud of. I was, as far as I could remember, the only student allowed to opt out of taking maths for the MCE. I personally approached my headmaster (we call them headmasters in those days) and managed to persuade him to allow me to drop maths. Why? Okay, if you were a headmaster and a student comes into your office with an application to drop maths and he showed you his report card

Form 4:
1st progress Test: 0 - F9
2nd progress Test: 0 - F9
Mid Year : 2 - F9
Final: 5 - F9

Form 5:
1st progress Test: 1 - F9

After seeing the above, would you approve his application? I would, and I would kiss him for doing it.

One thing that struck me was that, in those days we were fiercely patriotic to our school something I find conspicously missing in my students today.

Heck!Iin those days, we were willing to fight to defend our Houses good name but nowadays, pupils approach us teachers to change House.

Okay, since I am average, there is nothing much an average guy could write that is new, so I stop here, maybe on another day I'll tell about how I peeped at a boy masturbating in the school toilet.

Saturday 22 August 2009


To all Muslim readers my family and I would like to wish you all


Friday 21 August 2009

Happy Birthday Meiji

This article is written late in the day not because of failure of the memory but rather fatigue of the body. Today I spent about 5 hours at the hospital for my follow-up checkup and everything is fine.

Today my eldest, Marziah, is 29. Wow she is already 29 and soon would be hitting the 30s.

Happy Birthday Meiji, Ba and Mama loves you alot.

Thursday 20 August 2009

It's Arsenal or Chelsea this season.

I am not one to throw in the towel early but something in me says that this year will not be Manchester United's year. No, it's not because of Ronaldo not being around and neither is it because of the absence of Carlos Tevez.

There are 2 main reasons for this pessimistic assessment of Man U's chances this year. First the defence is just not rock solid as it was before. Both Ferdinand and Vidic will miss many games due to injuries and the replacements are just not up to mark.

The other teams have mastered how to play united and their use of the 4-5-1 system effectively shuts out Man U's midfield.

Ferguson made a mistake by not buying defenders. he still has time to get at least 2 good defenders, failing which, my prophesies will come true.

After just 2 games, I got this feeling deep in my gut that the race for the BPL this season would be between Arsenal and Chelsea with me in favour of Arsenal.

I also see the emergence of Tottenham Hotspurs and maybe Manchester City to give the top teams a run for their money. I wouldn't be surprised if Spurs would occupy top 3 positions.

Wednesday 19 August 2009

The Story

I hate it when you people start hitting on innocent people. Really that is what got me writing in the first place. I simply hate it when people accuse someone of doing something that he/she did not do.

Come on la you guys, give the man a break la. His boss already said it what, what else you people want? His boss has stated in no uncertain term that he was disbarred for the sins of his partner so what could the guy do man.

Actually you should pity him la, not go on telling lies about him. You don't know the whole story but I do and I was filled with tears after hearing his most unfortunate story. Kesian dia la.

Actually it all happened on a dark and stormy night. There was no power because the TNB guy forgot to feed kerosene to their generators. The roads were as dark as the Chinese Kong Si Sua in Penanti.

Suddenly a cold gust blew into the kampung where Pak Manap was living. The small flame of the only lighted kerosene lamp died as the gust darkens the whole house.

Mak Minah, Pak Manap's bed-ridden sister screamed as she was afraid of the dark. You see she was raped in her sleep once when eaxactly the same thing happened. The village JKKK chairman did it to her, but then again, that is annother story.

 Pak Manap scrambled to find the lighter to light the lamp but he couldn't make out shit from tempe in that kind of darkness. As he was groping around he felt something. He was afraid because it could be one of his nieces that he had accidentally fondled. He immediately pulled his hand away fearing that he could have done a JJ on the young girl.

Pak Manap was perspiring cold sweat. He did not want to end up like JJ the groper and be banished to the the land that held his idol Datuk Shahrukh Khan.

Still shaken from thinking that he could have done something very wrong, his hand suddenly felt a small package just next to his thighs. Without any light he felt the package and wondered. Then it struck him that it could be black magic.

Yes, it must be a charmed package thrown into his house to disrupt the lives of his harmonius family. Quickly, without thinking anymore, he grabbed the package and made his way to the the window, opened it and threw the package into the nearby river running just next to his house.

The next morning, Pak Manap was rudely awakened by a piercing scream. The scrambled up to see that his niece was running high and low screaming and shouting about a package. He calmed her down and explained what he had done to the package.

To make the story short, the package contained quite a lot of money. The niece who was working for a law firm, was keeping the money to be given to a certain client of the firm.

To make the story even shorter, she was in deep shit. How was she ever going to explain it to her boss? Anyway, at the meeting everyone was silent. The boss was hitting his head against the wall, another clerk who had no nails left was biting into her fingers and the tea-lady was tying a rope to the fan with a noose in her neck. The law firm was in danger. The boss was in danger of loosing his licence to practice and the others were seeing their rice-bowl rudely snatched away from them.

Suddenly, the gloom in the room was greeted with a stunning light show, when in came Mr. S. the junior partner of the firm. No one could explain how a gloomy atmosphere had suddenly changed into one of a parade. There was even music playing in the ears of all present.

Okay to spare you guys the boredom, the junior partner after having heard that the company was in dire need of a saviour, decided to be one himself. Yes, the angel offered to carry the blame just so that the company would remain and his boss would not be disbarred and the others would one day laugh and call his sacrifice a stupid thing to do.

Yes, he was an agel sent by God to save the company and the lives of the boss and the girl who was incidentally sleeping with the boss every other night. Shit if only that cold gust had blown one night earlier, all these would not have happened.

So you see, he was innocent. He had sacrificed his own licence just to save others and you people go out screaming bloody murder.

Come on guys, stop it, and to show that you are sorry, vote for him.

Tuesday 18 August 2009

The Remedy

Ahmad: Oi, Kassim, where to?

Dollah: To the doctor la.

Ahmad: Why what's wrong with you? I thought the other day you told me you were going to the doctor also. Why your problem not settled ka?

Dollah: Not settled yet la.

Ahmad: Why, what's the matter really?

Dollah: The last time, after doing extensive tests, they said they found nothing wrong with me la.

Ahmad: Well that must be good news, if I were you I would be jumping.

Dollah: I know, I should be happy but I am so depressed la. I am 40 with a good job and a beautiful family but somehow I feel really down la.

Ahmad: I think I know what's bugging you la and I know just the remedy, come here bzzz bzzzzbzzz bzzzbzzzzbzz bzz bzzzz bzzzbzz.

Dollah: Really ka? I am so desperate I'd try anything la.

(3 months)

Ahmad: Hai Dollah, you surely are looking good compared to the last time I met you.

Dollah: Yes, la Ahmad and I have you to thank for, in fact lets go for lunch right now, any hotel, on me.

Ahmad: Waa! So good ah the remedy?

Dollah: In fact the moment I got the reply and saw that I am accepted as a YOUTH member, I felt so young again at least for another 5 years. Hidup Samy Velu

Sunday 16 August 2009

I don't want to do it la.

Teacher: Tuan Pengetua, I want to stop investigating all disciplinary cases for a while la. I cannot tahan lagi la.

Pengetua: But cikgu, that is your job, part of your responsibility in this school is to investigate all these.

Teacher: I know la but the students don't want to cooperate with me. They call me me names all. Who can tahan like that. They say I am not fair.

Pengetua: That is part of the job cikgu, you should know, you are not new in this business. Okay who are the ones doing these to you?

Teacher: Those form 3 boys suspected of smoking la. The other cases no problem but the smoking cases always give me headaches la. Okay cikgu, I'll investigate the holding hands cases, not doing homework cases and not bringing books to school cases, they are easy to prove.

Pengetua: The other serious cases?

Teacher: Those I don't want to do.

Pengetua: You are being paid to do a job so you should do it, otherwise you makan gaji buta la like that? Okay I'll deduct part of your salary for not wanting to do some of your work. Is that okay with you?

Teacher: Where can like that.

Pengetua: Then stop acting like this fellow and go do your job, all of them. Wait a minute, I smell something fishy here. One of the form 5 smoker boys is your nephew right? Many of the form 5 smokers are his friends right? So when you blame the non cooperation of the form 3 suspected smokers to stop investigation in smoking cases, you are actually trying to help the form 5 smokers under investigation right?

Teacher: Hey where got like that, where got form 5 smokers in this school? I have investigated all the form 5 suspects and found non of them guilty la, the form 3 smokers are trying to frame the form 5 boys la. No la, no such thing.

Pengetua: Are you sure?

Friday 14 August 2009

So that's how he did it?. (It's not old story to me)

Boss: Hey Minah, you all have pot luck ka today?

Minah: Yes, boss, come la help yourself.

Boss: Don't mind if I do, I am quite hungry myself. Waah! Got soto ka? Err, Minah, can you pack some soto and give to Ahmad to send to my house. Kesian la my wife at home. She's not well so she can't go out to buy food. Ahh, pack some drinks and that satay and ketupat and the mee hoon also can ah?

Minah: Sure boss, no problem.

Timah: Why he asked you to pack again ka?

Minah: Sure la. Luckily they are going for dinner hosted by Mr. Tan tonight, otherwise, he will double the bungkus la.

Boss: Waa, sembang-sembang or talking about me?

Minah: No, la where got talking about you? Eer, you asked me to remind you about the dinner at Mr. Tan's boss.

Boss: Yes, la, call Dollah for me please.

Dollah: Yes, boss?

Boss: Remember tonight I have dinner at Mr. Tan's. Can you borrow a suit and an evening dress from your sister's boutique?

Dollah: Sure boss.

Boss: Err, Dollah, have the donations for the kg fire come in yet?

Dollah: Yes, boss, baru sampai and don't worry, as usual I have gone through the clothes bundle and got some good ones for you and your missus.

Boss: Shoes got or not? This pair I am wairing is from the Tsunami bundle la, look and see for some good ones.

Dollah: Sure boss, no problem.

Boss: Err Dollah, have you collected all the surat khabar lama from our offices? The surat khabar lama man is coming today. Don't cheat me ah, I am sure got 5 hundred kilos one. Err Dollah where is the money you got for selling the leftovers from yesterday's tea-party? Remember, 70-30.

Dollah: Aiya boss, I'll never cheat you la. The leftovers from yesterdays jamuan was sold for 17.40. And the surat khabar lama sale is RM200.

Boss: What 17.40? I saw got so much karipap and meehoon and syrup left?

Dollah: Yes, la boss got plenty of karipap and meehoon left but we sell secondhand la boss, where can sell new?

Timah: Hey, Minah, why is boss so kedekut one ah? His gaji so much one but everything he wants free.

Minah: I also don't know la Timah. If my husband got salary like his ah, I sure go shopping everyday la. Do you know that if they don't have official dinners, they will visit their neighbours during dinner time?

Boss: Minah! Get Mr. Yap on the line for me.

Minah: Okay boss.

Boss: I say Mr. Yap, how are you today? Fine ka? Good good, so how about my offer? The best I could give is 2 la.

Yap: Cannot la boss, you give 5.1 okay la, that one also I lose a lot la.

Boss: I have saved 2 by not spending a single sen of my salary. Can you get me a bank that can loan me 3.1?

Yap: Okay, no problem. Waa, you lucky la, that bungalow costs 24 you know? Err anyway, if you take loan, how to pay?

Boss: Save some more la. This time I ask the orphanage serve extra for lunch and the Old Folks, extra for Dinner. As for breakfast, I always eat free here.

Wednesday 5 August 2009

Forced break.

I am very sorry to those who wrote comments to my last post because I could not answer their comments. You see, on Monday, I was admitted into the GH Penang for a minor stroke.

The doctor and even Doc, Tokasid told me that it was a warning and that I should be more careful with what I consume and also inhale.

Anyway, yesterday evening I was discharged

I'll be taking a few days break from writing but I would still be reading blogs thoughl. I just need to rest a bit.

So to my visitors, sorry if there aren't any new postings this 1 week or so. You take care and don't do what I wouldn't do.

Sunday 2 August 2009

Good, but it could be better.

Big Boss: I would say the operation yesterday was a success but there is plenty of room for improvement. You guys just missed it la. Like this how to get our KPI up?

Boss: But BB, I thought we did well, the demonstrators got nowhere near the Istana.

Big Boss: I did not not say you handled it poorly, all I wanted was that you did it better. You could have handled it better, that's all.

Boss: Please la BB, what else do you want from us?

Big Boss: Look at all these pictures. Tell me what's wrong with them. Tell me what is missing from them? Look closely.

Boss: Okay what BB, this one shows my men cuffing them. This one shows one being pinned to the road, this one shows them running helter-skelter, what else do you one?

Big Boss: Oh how I miss the last reformasi demo. Back them we beat them blue black la. There was blood la. Look at these, no blood la. What is this? No blood.

Boss: That is old style boss, this is new style. This is the 21st century.

Big Boss: Shit you, you are only brave when you had people in lock-ups. Piiirah you all. Like this means, the next time there is going to be a demo, they will ask the MACC to be on duty.

Saturday 1 August 2009

KPI surely go up one.

Reporter: It is said that the government aims to cut crime by about 20 percent, do you think this is possible?

Police: Oh yes, we are confident of reaching that target, in fact we are confident of surpassing that figure.

Reporter: You sound so confident, what are your strategies?

Police: Simple really, It will be a multi-prong attack on criminals.

Reporter: Multi-prong? Could you explain?

Police: Usually all those we call in for questionings are guilty but we had to set them free because we do not have enough evidence so what we will do is ask the government to pass a law whereby a judge must find an accused guilty if the police feels he is guilty. There will be no need for evidence.

Reporter: Don't you think that will give the police too much power?

Police: Oh, don't worry, we have never ever abused our powers. has the police ever abused power> Come on la, we are professional people la.
Reporter: What else?

Police: We will also ask the government to pass a law whereby any accidental-death while in detention or while questioning, must be considered accidental death and therefore cannot be challenged.

Reporter: Yes, if it is really accidental. You still have to prove it was accidental.

Police: Ha, yes, but the first law I mentioned just now must be taken into consideration, anything the police claims must be taken as the truth.

Reporter: Okay, but how do you define 'accidental' then?

Police: If we were to accidentally kick a suspect on the head with our heavy boots, or accidentally drown a suspect or accidentally beat the shit out of him or accidentally force him off a 9 story building. You know, that kind of stuff.

Reporter: What else?

Police: We would recommend that 95% of cases be considered as civil and not criminal.

Reporter: What do you mean?

Police: Like this, if someone robs you, it is between you and that someone and it has no bearing on the state so we consider it a civil case. If you have evidence, you sue him la. No need for the police in these cases.

Reporter: What about rape then?

Police: Same thing, it's between the rapist and his victim, it has got nothing to do with the country, so the victim sues the rapist. All these will greatly reduce our cases, giving us more time to do other work.

Reporter: Looks like with this you would not have any work to do?

Police: No, we still have plenty of work like tailing opposition members, snooping on them, concocting evidence, whacking the hell out of people, the list is endless la, we have a lot of work really.

Reporter: I don't think the people would like this. There will be mass protest.

Police: We do have an alternative though.

Reporter: Alternative? What alternative?

Police: Every known crime comes under the ISA. We just lock them up, we don't have to prove anything. I tell you with these strategies that I had mentioned, our KPI will surely go up one.


Related Posts with Thumbnails

Blog Archive