Tuesday 30 September 2008

Selamat Hari Raya

To all those who has been visiting my blog, I would like to wish you Selamat Hari Raya.

Drive carefully and we meet again after raya.

Sunday 28 September 2008

Business as usual.

Businessman: Er could I see the Big Daddy please?

Sec: Do you have an appointment?

Businessman: Yes, yes I do. My name's Mat Cilok secretary of the Bukit Banner division, Sarkas Party.

Sec: Hmm, let me see. ...... yes, you do have an appointment. The 2nd room on the left. Er, please knock and wait till you are called. Don't ever go in without being called if you know what is good for you.

Businessman: But, but, shouldn't it the the first room?

Sec:This is your 1st visit here?

Businessman: No, I have seen the last Big Daddy in his office many times and I distinctly remember its the 1st room.

Sec: Well in a way you are right but just do what I said and you'd get out of here in one piece.

Businessman: Okay and thank you. ...... what's taking so long? ...... Assalammu ..... sorry, I told the clerk this is not the right room.

BM: You are in the right room.

Businessman: But, but, er er

BM: Shut up and sit down. Where's the proposal?

Businessman: Here.

BM: Hmm, looks nice, are you sure these bacteria thing really works?

Businessman: Yes, I have seen it with my own eyes. The yield for padi would increase 200% and for Oil Palm 150%. I can get this item for 5 thousand a ton and sell it to the government for 10 thousand a ton. The improved yield would more than cover everything.

BM: Sell them to the government for 20 thousand a ton. 8 thousand mine and 12 thousand yours, minus 5 thousand you pay to buy it, you get 7 thousand.

Businessman: That's a good deal. How many tons do you think we should order initially?

BM: 50 thousand tons.

Businessman: 50? But that's more than we need and where am I going to find the money to pay for the import?

BM: It's okay, we just say that some were stolen and some went bad. As for the money, I'll get my brother in law to get his bank to give you a low interest loan. Oh one more thing. Before I sign, I want a Mercedes and a further 35 thousand a month for as long as this company is given the tender.

Businessman: But, but you have already got so much and now this.

BM: Take it or leave it. I do have this proposal with me. Hmm maybe I'd get someone to do it on my behalf, I don't have to split.

Businessman: Okay, okay, I agree. I'll see you again.

Wife: Abang, how was the meeting with The Man?

Businessman: What The Man are you talking about. Everything is handled by Big Mama.

Friday 26 September 2008

A picture immortalises mortals.

Well folks since there is nothing much on the political front accept some UMNO politicians biting each other's dick up, I think I should take this lull in the political weather to reminisce a bit more.

Remember the JACHFRINS I was talking about a few posts away, well thanks to Imbaraj, I have here a photo, that, prior to this I do not know of its existence, shows all but one of the gang.

We were sitting at the assembly point of BMHS next to the school bell which we were so proud of which just missed the shot and which was stolen a few years ago. To the people who stole the bell I curse that you grow pubic hairs on your nose and your balls would grow on the sole of your feet so that whenever you walk you would squish those nuts of yours and send smarting pain right up your eyes which would bulge with every shot of deep agonising pain. And if that is not enough may your parents disown you and your dog pee on you everytime you go to sleep and may you shit bricks every hour of the day.

Well anyway back to the group. I was told by Aravind that this photo was shot on the last day of our MCE exams. The owner of the camera was the late Chan and the photo was probably shot by Sia Boon Kheng.

I really did not know of the existence of this photo. The whole photoshoot thing completely escaped my mind but it sure brings back fond memories. According to Aravind, the photo was with him but was flicked by Imbaraj who is now in possesion of the photo.

When the late Farid was terminally in the hospital, Imbaraj, Aravind and Jalil made a copy of the photo to give him in the hospital but fate has it that they arrived a few hours too late. They then gave it to his family. Sad, really sad.

I did mention that the photo was of all but one and the scoundrell missing is Radzi. I wonder why. Maybe he did not take that last paper but whatever it is, if you are reading this out there Radzi or if anyone knows of a Radzi of BMHS class of 73/5A please contact me.

J = Jalil
A= Aravindan
C= Chan Keng San (deceased, plane crash)
H= Harikrishnan (deceased, road accident)
F= Farid (deceased, lung cancer)
R= Radzi (not in picture)
I= Imbaraj
N= Nazir
S= Mokhtiar Singh.

Anyone, just anyone out there who knows us from this photo please contact me at cikgunazir@gmail.com.

Ooops! I forgot to insert the photo. Here it is.Sorry, this photo was shot in 1973 so what do you expect of the quality.

Simply too much

MD: Please people we are in big shit and when I say big I mean really Godzilla shit.

Exec1. What do you mean boss? I know that sales have slowed down a bit but it will pick up.

Exec2: Yes boss, our sales department predicts that sales would pick up with our new fuel efficient model next year.

MD: Do you know how much we spent to develope that new model? Close to 800 million. Do you know how many cars we have to sell to recover that investment?

Exec3: How would I know, I am in charge of buying coffee and biscuits for the office.

MD: Then what are you doing here. Go get us some coffee.

Exec1: Yes, we know we would have to sell a lot of cars to recover the cost but that model would be so attractive that sales of imported cars would die. Everybody would be buying Proton.

MD: Yes, that was what we thought but gentlemen I have bad news.

Exec2: What bad news boss. Don't tell me we are going to fold?

MD: No, this company is after all a National pride but the profits that we had expected to come rolling in is not going to happen. In Fact we are expecting to declare losses for at least 5 years.

Exec1: You mean the 1 year bonus and overseas holiday for us and our families are .....

MD: Bonus? What one year bonus, there will be no bonus. All of us would have to take a pay cut.

Exec2: Shit, I should have gone to Honda when they offered me that job as dispatch.

Exec3: But why boss? Everything was so nice and rosy during the planning stage. Remember how we planned to surprise the country with the huge profits we are going to declare?

MD: Yes, but we didn't see this happening.

Exec1: What, what boss?

MD: People don't care for fuel efficient cars anymore now that fuel has gone down by an incredible, an unimaginable, an astounding an unbelievable 10 sens a litre. They are all buying lorries now.

Exec2: What? A 10 sen drop? Are they trying to bankrupt the country? How could the country afford such a humongous cut? I mean it makes no economic sense, I mean 10 sens is just too much to cut, the economy would stand still.

Thursday 25 September 2008

This is freakin madness man.

There is this condominium in Batu Uban Penang that is designed like the Twin Tower complete with a sky bridge only not as tall. It looks nice and I hear people say that there are a few units left going for about 600K each.

Of course being only a teacher with so many obligations and loans to pay I couldn't afford to get one but thanks to the government of the day, I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, my hard days are over and soon I would be able to get me one unit facing the sea.

I hear they say those units fronting the sea have a beautiful view of the Penang bridge especially at night when it is all lit up. From up there you could see the perennial jam ends at which part of the highway.

Maybe with a little bit of luck when the second bridge is up and operational, those living in this condo could also get a stunning view of that bridge too. Maybe they should name it the Bridge Condo.

Thanks to the gomen also I could not only afford to get me a unit, which I am going to get immediately tomorrow, I could also afford to aircond the whole unit and get me a jacuzzi if there isn't one already. If there is already one provided then I would get me another one and have it near my parking lot so on a hot day I don't have to go up. I can park my Mercedes, oh didn't I tell you that thanks to those angels in Putrajaya, I could also afford an E 200 Kompressor, and straight away jump into one.

I am already thinking of getting myself a 60" Plasma TV and a very expensive Home Theatre set to boot. The curtains would be the kinds that are controlled with a remote and the whole house would be computerised.

Oh, I can't wait. I have been working for about 32 years now and finally I get the chance to do something for myself. You got it right, I am going to pamper myself so much that you would think that I am sinning. Hey, give me a break man because its not always that you get the gomen giving you such opportunity.

In the evenings I am going to play tennis and after that take a dip in the pool and if I am lucky there would be some cute chicks in very skimpy bikinis taking a dip with me and occasionally if my luck goes further than mere lucky, I could see a nipple slip or two.

I'd have the whole house wired so that I could surf the net from any corner of the unit. Nope I am not going to carry the laptop wherever I go, instead I am going to have one at every possible corner, like in the kitchen, one in the bedroom, one at the balcony, one at the door, one on the Grand Concert Piano which I am going to order and maybe a few more here and there.

Its about 11.45 now and I can't wait for tomorrow to ink the dotted line of The S&P and hope that they would allow me in as soon as possible.

Goodbye teacher's quarters because I am moving up man. I am moving up into high society. Its no more apartment living. Its Condo time and the first thing I'd do is to throw myself a party, a real lavish one and why do you ask would I do that? It's because I have money. Thank you Putrajaya, and to think that all this time I have been unfair on you.

Hey sorry man, really, I was taken in by the opposition's sweet talk but not anymore. After what you have done, I am going to vote you in even after when I am dead like those other deads use to.

There's no football on tonight so I think I am going to retire early and dream of what I would do once I moved in.

Oh, sorry, fellas. I forgot to tell you the secret to my new found riches, the secret that is going to catapult me into high society. Actually it is not a secret you know. Tonight at 12.00 the price of petrol is going down by a whopping 10 sen a litre. Just imagine the savings. I mean this is unheard of anywhere in the world. A whopping 10 sens per litre.

I freaked out man when I heard the news. Just imagine what I could do besides the condo and Mercedes. Hmm, school holidays would be on soon, maybe a round the world trip is due?

Wednesday 24 September 2008

5A BMHS 1973

The year was 1973. The setting, the form 5A classroom, main building on the right wing of Bukit Mertajam High School and the characters, some teachers and about 40 or so boys but mostly about 9 boys who like any other of the human specie who thought that the whole world revolves around them and nothing else matters.

Why am I suddenly getting sentimental and reminiscing about old times, 35 years ago to be exact? The last 2 weeks had been quite eventful as far as I am concerned. First I received an email from an old classmate, Imbaraj. I was sent reeling coz memories of 35 years ago came flooding back. It was indeed a pleasant surpise.

Last week I received another email but this time from Aravindan, another classmate of the same class. Two phone calls, one from each followed. Aravindan or Ravi then asked me if I could write about old times, specifically about our gang.

Yes, I may be a teacher, Imbaraj may be a successful businessman and Ravi a thriving senior executive, but we were all once students and like students, there was the herd mentality. Yes, we herded only not by race or religion or colour but by interests and comraderie.

There were 9 of us. Jalil, a police inspector who has since ventured into a thriving security business, Aravindan, now with Babas, I hope he doesn't smell of curry powder, Chan Keng San, a former SAF Pilot now deceased. Harikrishnan, a former member of PDRM now deceased, Farid, a former journalist with The Star, now deceased, Radzi, status unknown, don't know if he is dead or alive, Imbaraj, owner of something in advertising, don't know if he makes signs or produce things for tv or radio, Nazir, that is yours trully and Mokhtiar Singh, studied law in the US, ended up in Canada and last heard he is a cop in Australia.

The names are arranged according to what the gang was called: JACHFRINS. Yes, we were kids and so like kids, no 'notorious' gang could go off without a name. If nowadays we have gangs like Gang Mamak, Gang Pukau, Mafia Gang, UMNO and BN, we had a name for our gang too then but unlike the other names mentioned, ours was for our own consumption. No one else outside the group knows the name of the gang. Maybe we were a little bit publicity shy or just not as bad as the gangs mentioned above.

Okay, lets take the members one by one and should any of them besides Ravi and Imbaraj, read this and remember anything about the group, I hope they will email me.

Lets take the members who are no longer with us. Chan Keng San was the first to go. He was the only Chinese in the group because the other Chinese guys were kind of bookworms and the JACHFRINS boys were to be avoided at all cost. He was from, if I am not mistaken, Berapit Village and one of the more quite type. After school, he joined the SAF and one fateful day, his jet got into difficulties off Johore waters. He bailed out but did not survive. May God bless his soul. There was one incident that reminds me of him but that could wait for another day.

The next to go was Farid. A brilliant singer, playboy, in his time, and a good middle and long distance runner, he died about 2 or 3 years ago. His death was reported on tv and in the papers. If I am not mistaken, even ministers visited him in hospital. He died of lung cancer. May ALLAH bless his soul.

Harikrishnan was a very good sprinter. One look at him you wouldn't believe he was a sprinter because of his built. He looked more like Malek Nor. I met him once at the Lam Wah Ee hospital while visiting my mom. He told me that he was shot once in the line of duty. Only last week I knew that he has [assed away, not while on duty but he was hit by a Bas Sekolah. My first experience with 'karmadi', I hope I got that right, was at his house when somebody in his house died. Bless him.

Now for the living. Imbaraj was a tall and lanky badminton player who rose to the ranks as no 2 in the under 18 badminton championship in Penang. Not bad, considering that at that time Penang was a powerhouse in badminton. If he had kept to it, I am sure he would have made a name for himself but then not all potentials are realised. What a pity.

Aravindan, the guy who asked me to write about this was the cynic. I could still remember his favourite way of getting back at you. If someone were to say 'pundek' to him, he would be quick to retort, "I didn't ask for your mother's name". I was at the receiving end of his quick wit, quite a number of times but being the sport that he was, he could give as well as take.

Jalil was an Inspector. Even while in school, he had already represented Penang in the under 23 rugby team so it was no surprise that he got to be a cop. I heard he left and started his own security company or worked for a security company. The best part about him was that he married a BM Convent girl, whom he hated so much, or at least that was what he had been saying to us all those time. Their marriage, I heard is still intact.

Radzi comes from Permatang Pauh if I am not mistaken and through a friend I heard he ended up an engineer or something. Together with Chan, he was rather quite but chose to be with the gang.

Mokhtiar Singh was thin and lanky. Not much a sportsman, he could be quite quick in his retorts. The son of a money lender, he was the richest in the group. I remember once going to his house and borrowing 5 bucks. He unlocked the drawer and it was filled with money. No he did not charge any interest. I heard he went to the US to study law and last I heard from Ravi, he is a cop in Australia and makes a yearly pilgrimage to Malaysia.

The last member is of course yours trully. Forced to take up teaching by my mother, I am at present typing this entry. Not the athletic type, I was the musician in the group and a time waster. I hated maths, science, BM, history, geography, Agama, Health Science, hey, I hated almost all subjects in school. No wonder my neighbour told my mom that if I passed my MCE, God is blind.

Oh, by the way, I proved that my neighbour's god was blind.

Maybe in another post, I would go into more specific things like the case involving Chan, Farid Harikrishnan, Catherina, Chan's girlfriend at a bungalow camp in Batu Feringghi after our MCE.

Well Ravi, that's it. If you or Imbaraj or Jalil or just anyone else could furnish me with more forgotten stories I would be glad to post them. Aah, how I wish I could go back to that wonderful carefree time.

Monday 22 September 2008

Hero or Criminal?

I just cannot understand how a seasoned politician like Raymond Tan, who was the former Deputy President of SAPP could come out in the open and proudly say that he stopped the PM from ordering the ACA from investigating allegations of corruption on the part of Datuk Yong.

What is he trying to prove? Is he saying that Datuk Yong is an ingrate? Is that what he is trying to say? Is he trying to say that Datuk Yong is corrupt? If that is what he is trying to say then haven't we read about the ACA's desire to investigate Datuk Yong before? So what is new?

The point I am trying to make here is not whether Datuk Yong is an ingrate or Datuk Yong is a corrupt man or even Raymond is a good friend.

Corruption is an unlawful act, the same as theft, robbery, rape and even murder. Those who commit any of these unlawful acts have gone against the law and therefore should be tried in a court of law. If one harbours a murderer or a rapist or a thief then one is also going against the law for preventing justice from taking its due course.

Raymond's act of intervening and deterring the ACA from investigating Yong can be considered as a deliberate act to prevent justice from taking its course. He could and must be considered as harbouring a criminal which is a serious offence.

Now whether Datuk Yong is indeed guilty of corruption or not is for the prosecutors to prove and for the court to decide base on evidence which up till now has not been done yet. One thing that has actually happened is Raymond's disregard for the law.By his own admission, he admitted to intervening and deterring the ACA from investigating into a criminal act. That, sadly, is not a heroic act but rather a criminal one.

The police should come down hard on this man who has admitted that he had tampered with justice. The police should also be investigating the ACA for allowing justice to be tampered with at the intervention of an influential politician.

The most shocking thing here is the role played by the PM as suggested by Raymond. I did not say he broke the law, Raymond's boast implied that the PM has obstructed justice. I think the PM should defend himself against this serious allegation.

This episode also goes a long way to prove right, the people's reservations about the ACA's independence.

So Raymond, by your own admission, you have proven that you are a criminal and that the ACA is not an independent body and that politicians temper with justice.

Am I saying Datuk Yong is not guilty? No, I am not saying that. Let the court decide but Raymond has surely admitted his guilt, unless of course he retracts it by saying he has been misquoted which would not the least bit surprise me.

Sunday 21 September 2008

The Menu

BPA: Excuse me YB Teresa. We are here to interview you about your accusation about the food served to you during your detention under ISA.

Teresa: Yes, yes good but I wonder what would come out of this?

BPA: We take your accusations very seriously because if proven true, this is a direct violation of the Human Rights Charter.

Teresa: I see, serving filthy food is a violation of the Human Rights Charter, what about locking people up without trial? That is not a violation?

BPA: That I can't answer, maybe you should ask Hamid. Is it true that they served you with food fit for dogs?

Teresa: Well let me just tell you that even a dog would complain and run away if fed this way.

BPA: But from this log here, it says otherwise. Lets just discuss the 1st full day's meals.

Day 1
: Breakfast, MM Bread, Melamine Butter&Milk, Kepala Batas Special Nasi Lemak with  Samy Chicken Curry and  Ah Ting Hokkien Mee, ordered from the Sheraton Hotel.

Day 1: Lunch, Kayveas Nasi Beriyani with Spicy Azlina Chicken and  Hamid Yemeni Mutton, Smoked Rais Salmon in frothing Shabery mushroom sauce, 2 dozen fresh Saiful Oysters, Hargen Daaz ice-cream and Patail Cendol, ordered from The Renaissance Hotel.

Day 1: Dinner: Steamed Prestatation Lobster in Penang Pendatang Belacan Sauce, 5 Large Ahmad Crabs cooked Taiwan style, 3 large plates of  Emperor Dol Fried Rice with shrimps, mushrooms, scallops, veal, 2 bottles of JJ Champagne de Temerloh, 3 tubs of Hargen Daaz ice-cream, Mongolian Bubur Kacang and 5 toothpicks. All items supplied by Taiwan Bung Sdn Bhd.

BPA: Did they serve you this on the first full day?

Teresa: No, absolutely not. Okay, I admit, the food they served was actually out of this world. For every meal they serve a French cuisine called Le Bee Anne Taureau Merde de Special, ordered from Kamunting Solitary Resort and Retreat.


Hari ni hari minggu, tak mau nak gaduh-gaduh perah otak cari idea nak tuleh. Hari ni nak meghapu sikit. Lagi pun dah lama tak tuleh dalam Bahasa Malaysia sampai naik gian jadi. Meghapu, meghapu jugak tapi isi dia mesti kontemporari la. Nak baca kalu baca, kalau tak mau baca, baca jugak.

: I say Palah apa pasai ada panggil kita worang ini emergency punya meeting? Banyak pinting punya hal ka?

Ka Ting: Ya la Palah, saya mau kempen kena stop sikit jam. Manyak mustahak ka ini meeting? Lain hari tak boleh bikin ka?

Palah: Tak boleh tunda punya. Ni soal hidup atau mati punya.

Samy: Ha! Mati? Sapa mati? Kayveas sudah mati ka? Kalau butol saya mau bikin kunduri la.

Kayveas: Dei celaka punya orang, saya tadak mati la. Saya sini jugak duduk.

Palah: Sudah, sudah, jangan dok start pulak.

Tsu Koon: Mengapakah kami dipanggil ke sini dengan tergesa-gesa? Adakah ini soal negara atau soal BN?

Palah: Dua dua sekali. Ni pasai ISA ni. Rakyat semua dok kalut suruh bebas semua tahanan. Depa dok suruh kita mansuhkan ISA. Mana buleh? Takdak ISA kalu macam mana kita nak ugut depa?

Samy: Itu butol Palah. Itu ISA tak mau kasi buang. Misti simpan punya. Mana tau satu hari saya Perdana Minteri jadi?

Kayveas: Oi cilaka punya orang tua, lu ingat lu buleh jadi pee yam ka?

Samy: Saya Perdana Minteri jadi kalu, itu Kayveas no 1 punya worang saya buang itu ISA dalam. Lu jaga la lu Kayveas.

Palah: Awat la hampa 2 ekoq ni? Oghang dok terketaq dalam seluaq hampa nak begadoh. Aku sumbat dua dua sekali dalam ISA baghu padan muka.

Tsu Koon: Memang Palah ISA itu satu akta yang durjana. Adalah lebih baik sekiranya kita memansuhkan ISA itu. Rakyat tidak gemar dengan akta itu.

Ka Ting: Ta bole la Ah Koon. Rakyat tak suka tapi kita suka. Itu kita punya insuran.

Palah: Pasai ISA lah lani kita ada banyak masaalah. Aku pun tak tau nak buat apa dah. Bagi idea sikit.

Samy: I say Palah, itu idea punya pasai, kasi sama saya lah. Itu akta, dia punya isi kita jangan tukar. Kita tukar dia punya nama. Kita cakap kita sudah memansokan itu ISA dan sudah ganti dengan lain akta.

Ka Ting: Nanti olang akan cakap buat apa mau ganti dengan lain punya akta?

Samy: Kita cakap, ini baru punya akta sudah 5 tahun kita sudah bincang sama itu pemimpin-pemimpin masyarakat. Sumua orang sudah setuju sebab ini akta baru banyak bagoi punya.

Palah: Okay, nama apa kita nak bagi kat akta tu? Bagi nama yang payah sikit nak buat singkatan supaya oghang tak senang sebut. ISA senang sangat. Depa dok perli pulak.

Samy: Saya sudah ada dia punya nama Palah. Sudah lama saya pikirkan ini perkara. Kita panggil ini akta IDNPKPA. Ha, worang mau sebut pun susah.

kayveas: Dei apa itu IDNPKPA?

Samy: Itu Dalam Negeri Punya Keselamatan Punya Akta.

Saturday 20 September 2008

Retirement Plans: The Interview

Reporter: So DS, now that you are no longer the PM and your insistence that your days in politics is over, what are your plans.

Palah: Oh, I am going to take a break from everything. I want to travel the world as a commoner.

Reporter: Yes, there are lots of places out there to go as a tourist. Does that mean you would be doing a lot of sight-seeing?

Palah: I say I would travel the world, not sight-seeing. I am just going to every top hotel and sleep, sleep and sleep. I am going to enjoy sleeping as a commoner.

Reporter: I don't get you DS.

Palah: All this while I have been sleeping as a politician. My sleep gets disturbed. I mean I had to sleep during meetings. That is just plain uncomfortable. Now my sleeps would be in comfortable beds.

Reporter: Is that all? Are you going to sleep your life away?

Palah: Oh no, I can't do that. I have plans.

Reporter: Are your plans a secret? Could you share them with us?

Palah: Oh no secret, no secrets at all. I will be going to Taiwan with Bung to learn agriculture.

Reporter: Wouldn't that get into the way of your sleep? I mean agriculture would require full time attention?

Palah: I'll be the manager and Bung will do the dirty work like collecting manure from the cows and milking the cows and goats.

Reporter: So you plan to go into dairy farming? What about marketing the produce?

Palah: Oh Samy is going to buy the cow and goat's milk. Kayveas will sell the mutton from my farm and Saiful will handle the Sup Torpedo part of our beef business. He seems to be very good with this torpedo thing. Loved it.

Reporter: Aren't you going to plant things?

Palah: Yes, I am going to plant soya beans which will be sold to Khir Toyo's tempe factory in which I have a share.

Reporter: So you are also going into the food business with the tempe business.

Palah: Oh no, its not so much a food product. Its more pharmaceutical. Its for enhancing the tone in one's face. With our tempe, you don't need Botox anymore.

Reporter: Wow, you will be a busy man.

Palah: Did I tell you that I would also be lecturing?

Reporter: No, where? It must be in politics or international relations?

Palah: No, Kardi would be introducing a new field of studies called Flipflopology. Its a degree course. I would be visiting Professor. Ooops! sorry I have to cut this interview short. Siesta time. Where's my bantal bucuk?

Friday 19 September 2008

The Deal

Samy: I say Palah, waa you everything can ah.

Palah: What do you mean?

Samy: Yes la, PM can, Finance Minister can, now Defence Minister also can.

Palah: Ala, you know la, be Minister where got susah one. Everything people do for us. We approve only la.

Samy: I say, Palah you can give me 5 minutes ah? I got good proposition for you la.

Palah: What proposition? I am busy la Samy.

Samy: I say Palah, this is fantastic proposition one. You want to buy battle tanks from India ka? My friend's company Suppiah Military Consultants can supply.

Palah: What? Battle tanks from India?

Samy: Yes Palah, this one good tanks la. Can tahan all kinds of bomb one but nuclear bomb cannot la. These tanks can also go under water and shoot from underwater also.

Palah: I 've never heard of such tanks la Samy:

Samy: True la. This one all secret one thats why nobody knows.

Palah: Don't one la. We all where got go to war one.

Samy: Wait, wait, wait. Armour carrier you don't one ka? Like the tank jugak but a little bit smaller, also can go underwater, cheap only?

Palah: We all got so many la. Some not even used at all. I don't know why they buy in the first place.

Samy: Don't want ah? Wait, wait, bazooka don't want ah. Very light. Can shoot from here to Bangkok.

Palah: Don't bluff la Samy.

Samy: Where got bluff? Butol punya Palah.

Palah: Don't want la Samy.

Samy: Bullets don't want ka Palah? Cheap only. Satu kali tembak 3 kali letup.

Palah: Don't want la Samy. I am late la.

Samy: Wait, wait Palah, last one, last one. Muruku want ah? For Raya gift to the army. Cheap only la Palah.

Palah: No la Samy, don't be crazy. I'm in a hurry.

After 20 minutes the phone rang

Palah: Yes, now what Samy?

Samy: Last one, last one, papadom want ka? I can supply la, please la, saya sekarang tadak kerja. Palah, Palah, Palah are you there, Palah are you there. Chit, he hang up.

Palah: Hello Kerry, you check out Suppiah Military Consultants. We want to buy swimming tanks and Bazookas that can shoot to Bangkok. Oh, yes, this year we will be giving murukus to our army for Raya and our man's ration will include papadoms.

Thursday 18 September 2008

The Dare

What would you do if you were presented with an opportunity to prove that what you have been shouting and ranting about is true? What would do if presented with the opportunity to expose the lies of an opponent?

Well if it were me, I would seize the opportunity without thinking twice. Hey come on, this kind of opportunity is just too good to be true. Maybe God thought that He has tested you enough and now He wants to give you the opportunity to clear your name.

Pak Lah has all these while said that Anwar is lying. He has, short of frothing in the mouth like Shabery, been screaming that Anwar has not the numbers that he has been boasting about. He has been denying that his reign is under seige. He has been boasting that he will never allow this country to be usurped by the likes of Anwar.

Such was his vehemence in denouncing Anwar and such was the intensity of his denial that Anwar has the numbers that matters that you could see desperation written all over his face. He is so desperate to prove that he is right that he does not smile like he used too.

Well since he is desperate to prove that he is right and Anwar is wrong as far as the numbers are concerned, I wonder why is it that he is letting go of this one opportunity that is God-sent?

PR asked Pak Lah to convene an emergency Parliamentary session to pass a vote of no confidence in him. PR has asked that there be a smooth transition of power from the present government to a new one.

Since Pak Lah is so confident that Anwar is bluffing as far as the numbers are concerned then why not call Anwar's bluff?

It's like this. If your opponent is trying to bluff that he has a hidden ace and that three other aces are opened and you know damn well that he is bluffing because that last ace is actually your closed card then why don't you call his bluff and raise him with all that you have?

Anwar has presented him with the opportunity to prove to the people that he is liar when he claimed that he has the numbers. This emergency session would once and for all prove that Anwar is a liar.

If I were Pak Lah and I know that Anwar is bluffing, I would call for a press-conference and say that I am accepting his dare and would even have it convened tomorrow and when I beat him in his no confidence vote, I, with the aid of all the media at my disposal would go to town denouncing him as the greatest liar that the country has ever seen.

Common Pak Lah, this is your golden opportunity. You said that you know pretty well that he is bluffing so why don't you grab this opportunity. Ground him, pound him senseless.

Could it be that you are not sure if he has the number or not? Could it be that you know he has the numbers but you do not know who the people are behind those numbers? Could it be that you know it is suicidal if you were to call for that emergency session that Anwar had asked for?

Now don't tell me that you refused because you don't want to waste time. If that was the case then you are not predetorial enough to be in politics. If that was the case you wouldn't last 4 days, much less 4 years, as the Prime Minister of this country.

Actually, Pak Lah, the ball is in your court. You don't even have to to bend it and dip it like Cristiano Ronaldo? The goalkeeper is sleeping and the defenders are having lunch, just tap it in.

Wednesday 17 September 2008

The Son

Mummy mummy please tell, where is daddy?
I got up this morning but he I did not see
Did he, without waking me, go to work already?
He promised me tonight we'll watch a movie

Oh please God, how do I tell him this
His father was taken by the police
To a cell to sleep with bugs and fleas
Give me strength to tell him please

Son, you dad has gone away
He may not come home today
Tomorrow too with you he can't play
One day we'll see him again let's pray

Don't daddy love us anymore?
Am I not the son he adore
Forget he our visits to the shore
Riding me on his back with a roar

Shhh son, don't ever say that
He will always be your loving dad
Its just that some people say he's bad
For denouncing evil in the internet

I know, I Know you are pulling a trick
Like daddy did when I was sick
He drew a clown with your lipstick
And make disappear a piece of stick

No my sweatheart to you I would not lie
Your dad has gone understand it please try
A long time away, be strong do not cry
Your daddy I'll be, I promise I'll try.

But mummy you know how much I love daddy
Not a night I could sleep, if his face I do not see
Please mummy, please say this is just a story
Daddy will come home and watch the movie with me

Oh son, oh how I wish you are right
That your daddy would come home tonight
On his back you'll climb in glee and delight
Just keep that memory of him in sight

Oh God if I had been a naughty son
Give me many days without any fun
But my daddy, he has hurt no one
Bring him back or my life is none

The Reasoning

I have written about it before, maybe not as a specific post, and I am going to write about it again. No harm in repeating. It enforces what is already taught or learnt and gives it a permanent place in long term memory.

The reason I gave up the UMNO struggle was how those people treated human beings. I was a hardcore member, willing to give my life for their struggle which on paper was a noble one.

Then that fateful day in September about 10 years ago they sacked Anwar. There was nothing wrong then, but the next day UMNO revealed the devil in them by repeatedly stepping and hurling abuse at a defenseless man.

I was overcome by revulsion for such treatment on a fellow human being. It was not because Anwar was an UMNO member, it was because he is a human being. How could they do that to a fellow human being?

Then it crossed my mind the other acts that they did, some which with Anwar himself participating. I was naseauted with this treatment on a fellow human being. I had never in my life advocated such treatment even on animals.

Why am I writing about this now? Simple. They are doing it again. They lock RPK up for standing up against them. He has a a wife and he has children. They don't care. Did he steal anything? No, he didn't. Did he hurt anyone? No he didn't. Did he rob anyone? No, no, no. His crime? Speaking up against the atrocities that have been committed.

If speaking up against atrocities is a crime than I think I am living in the wrong country. No, come to think of it. I am living in the country of my birth, my country. I have every right to live in this country. I have every right to demand fairness and justice and be able to speak up against wrongdoings.

Its those perpetretors of violence against humanity who has no place in this country. Yes, its their country too but they do not deserve to be free to continue with their devilish acts.

What wrong has Theresa done to deserve being locked up without being taken to court. I don't know if she's married or have a husband or children but I do know she has a mother and father and maybe sibblings and surely friends. I know they must be deeply hurt when such fate befalls her especially when she has not done anything wrong.

Hurting her by taking her freedom away for a crime she did not commit is one thing but in the process, these despicable people are also hurting her loved ones, the same as they hurt Marina and her children and RPK's friends. Believe me I tell you, one sins when one hurts someone on purpose and I do not want to be party to this sinful act.

As a Muslim one must not at any time condone such acts. I wonder how those Muslims who condone such atrocities against humanity call themselves Muslim? If you cannot fight it physically then fight it verbally and as the last resort fight it with your heart, never ever condone such acts.

I am putting myself into great risk by going against these people especially being a civil servant and all but it could be my nature, I cannot just close an eye and pretend that all is well in this beloved country of mine.

The least I could do is to speak up, or in my case, writing down. This sorry state of affair should not and must not continue.

That is why I am giving my support to Anwar to takeover this country. Yes, the Anwar whom I had earlier said was party to some of the evil acts committed by this government of ours.

I believe his time in incarceration has changed him. I believe in his promises but the most important thing that I have is my voice and my conscience. Should he, if he is able to wrest control of this government, prove to be one of the same, then I will speak up against him too.

Should the new government, should it materialise, be as bad as the last one, then I will fight it with as much ferocity as I fight this one, maybe even more because they cheated me.

Tuesday 16 September 2008

The Meeting

Samy: I say Datuk Seri Anwar ah? Wow you look really good la. I have been looking for you for so long la but couldn't get you la.

Anwar: Oh, Samy. You look okay yourself. Why have you been looking for me?

Samy: No la, DSAI, this Deepavali, come la to my house. I say so long already you didn't come to my house la. I miss the old times la. What you want? Tosai, with mutton? Don't worry I can get for you one, halal one hahahahaha, nice la to meet old friends.

Anwar: Yes, nice, nice. So what are you doing now that you are not a minister?

Samy: Nothing la DSAI. I just stay at home and do some gardening. This Dollah ah, very stubborn la. I tried to tell him don't kacau you, you nice man but he don't want to listen la.

Anwar: Yes ka? He don't one to listen to you? You do gardening only ka? You don't go out campaigning, like in Permatang Pauh?

Samy: Where got? I know they sure kalah one. Actually ah, you don't tell anybody ah, I was secretly campaigning for you by phone. I finish a lot of money la. I call every Indian voter there and ask them to vote for you.

Anwar: Wah like that ka? No wonder I got so many Indian votes. So now you and Kayveas friends already ka?

Samy: Chit no la. Hey don't tell anybody ah? Sometimes I will call his home and kacau him with prank calls la.

Anwar: You did like that ka Samy? Waa you never change la.

Samy: Some more you want to know ah? One time last month, I call the bomba to go to his house. I said got snake inside hahahahaha. I heard he was so angry with the bomba people la.

Anwar. Hahahahaha, you terrible la Samy. Okay la I have to go la.

Samy: I say DSAI don't forget to come to my house this Deepavali ah. Never mind, I send my driver to fetch you at six o'clock in the morning.

Anwar: Why so early? I'll try, I'll try.

Samy: Ah excuse me Datuk, you don't want to invite me for Raya ka?

Anwar: If you no malu means come la. Bring Kayveas along.

Monday 15 September 2008

The Conversation

Stylist: Welcome Datuks. I am honoured by your visit.

Samy: Yes, I heard this place is good. I would like a hair wash please.

Stylist: Sure Datuk, what about you Datuk?

Hamid: I want a facial please.

Stylist: Sure, sure, you would feel like brand new after this and you Datuk?

Ah Ting
: I would like both, a hair wash and a facial. How much for both?

Stylist: For you Datuk Ah Ting, the hair wash would be 200 and the facial 250. Is it okay?

Samy: So my hair wash is 200 la?

Stylist: Oh no Datuk, your toupee is made of horse hair so its quite tough. Notice how it sticks out like an umbrella? It will be double Datuk, 400.

Hamid: Hahahahaha Samy last time I told you your hair looks strange you scold me now see what happens? Now only I know its horse hair you have on your head, hahahahaha. So my facial is 250 ah?

Stylist: Sorry Datuk, your face stretches right up to the back of your head. We call it extra long face, yours is 400 Datuk.

Samy: Some more want to laugh at me ah? Padan lu punya panjang punya muka, hahahaha.

Hamid: Dei Samy, I ISA you baru tau.

Ah Ting
: I say Hamid, why you go and put that girl in ISA? Now see how susah we all in MCA want to answer?

Hamid: Aiya, I gempaq only la. Put her in for a few days and then let her out la. Just to show other journalists don't play, play with me.

Samy: Yes, don't play play with the long face, hahahaha.

Hamid: Samy, don't make me angry ah? I'll call the pulis ah?

Ah Ting: Like this how are the Chinese ever going to trust the MCA anymore. I want to scold you all also cannot. If I don't scold, the Chinese people say I got no balls, so now how?

Hamid: Aiya, lama lama they all forget la.

Samy: Hey long face, what excuse are you going to give the people about that girl's arrest?

Hamid: Aiya, horse hair, I say the pulis took her in to protect her because got people want to kill her?

Ah Ting: Cannot la like that Hamid, people will say why arrest, why not give her protection?

Hamid: Ayo, right la, aiya I already told the press about it just now. Die la like this. Hey Samy how to get out of this mess ah?

Samy: I say simple la Datuk. Say the press misquoted you la. Then you sumpah laknat la that you didn't say it. Finish story la. Itu pun tatau ka? Chit! Panjang punya muka.

Ah Ting: I say, Hamid ah, you think that Anwar fella butoi-butoi cakap ka?

Hamid: I don't know la Ah Ting. Want to believe also cannot, don't want to believe also cannot. That fellow give everyone a headache la. You know or not nowadays Pak lah cannot sleep at all?

Samy: What? That kaki tidor cannot sleep? Aiyo this is dangerous la. Like that means ah, I think I must ask them to renovate my bungalow in Zimbabwe la, just in case.

Ah Thing: You no good la Samy. You want to run away and leave us ka? Some more got bungalow there or not?

Samy: Got. I still got 2 more. Lu mau satu ka Hamid, I sell cheap cheap.

Hamid: What? Run away? You think I like you ka? No la, I think that Anwar empty talk only la.

Samy: Kalu butol kalu?

Ah Ting: Ha, if butoi how?

Hamid: Cannot be betoi one la.

Samy: If not real why send those MPs to Taiwan?

Hamid: I don't know la, itu Bung punya kerja la. Okay la, lets get all this done.

Samy: I don't want to wash here la expensive only. Okay, bye.

Hamid: Hey Samy, don't sell that bungalow yet ah.

The Chase

The fear of being caught was real as Sam weaved through the traffic in the hot afternoon amidst very heavy traffic. No he wasn't driving, he was running and sure enough behind him were three burly, leather-jacketed, dark-glassed, hoodlums huffing and puffing as they tried to keep pace with Sam.

Sam should consider himself lucky that his three assailants were rather burly which somewhat made them not as nippy as assailants should be.

He jumped across a monsoon drain and suddenly smiled when he saw the familiar blue roof of a police station. He turned to see that his assailants were a good 20 meters behind. "Good" he thought as he avoided an on coming motorbike. " A hundred meters more, I can do it, I can do it, I am faster than them."

He dashed into the station's compound and headed towards the first room he could see.
He looked behind and saw the assailants catching their breath just outside the gate. One was bending over with his hands on his hips equally out of breath.

"Sir, sir, what happened? Alright, alright sit down first over here. Don't worry you are safe".

Sam sat huffing. He couldn't speak for a good three minutes or so. In between deep breaths he was pointing out to the gate as if to tell the officer that there was someone dangerous out there.

Finally, though still not composed yet, Sam blurted, "Please, huh, huh, please, huh, I, As, Ei, huh, huh, I,As,Ei.

What sir, I don't understand you sir?

Please huh, put me under the ISA, huh, huh, my life's in danger.

Sunday 14 September 2008

Crude down Petrol?

Reporter: Datuk, the price of world crude has gone down significantly since the last price review before Permatang Pauh. Is the government going to announce another reduction in Petrol and diesel prices soon?

Datuk: If we reduce today and then the next day the price goes up what happens? We must be patient.

Reporter: But Datuk our neighbours have reduced their prices many times while we have only done it once?

Datuk: Don't compare us with our neighbours la. That's not fair.

Reporter: But Datuk, they don't even produce crude?

Datuk: Like I said la, don't go about comparing us with other countries la. That is their country, how they want to manage it is their business la.

Reporter: But we always compare our prices against our neighbours when ever we increase prices?

Datuk: When there are increases we can compare but when there are decreases we cannot compare. Its in many economic books.

Reporter: Name one book Datuk?

Datuk: Waa, you very cocky ah? Are you from Shin Chew?

Reporter: No I am from Berita Harian.

Datuk: If from Berita you should not be asking this kind of questions, you should ask me easy questions, not corner me.

Reporter: Datuk, if and when we reduce our petrol, diesel and gas prices, would Tenaga also reduce their tariff?

Datuk: Why should they? Didn't you hear that Kardi fellow say during the Anwar Shabery debate, Tenaga and petrol and gas prices have no connections?

Reporter: But Tenaga cited increase in crude price to justify the increase in tariffs?

Datuk: Did Tenaga say that? Well then maybe la but we cannot ask Tenaga to reduce their tarifftarrif. There are other justifications.

Reporter: Like what Datuk?

Datuk: The Tenaga CEO need an increase in his salary, other high ranking officers also need big increases in their salaries so this eats up into Tenaga's earnings. Cannot reduce just like that and I don't like your questions la.

The Report

Big Police: Sergeant, how many reports do we have today?

Small Police: 150 sir.

Big Police: What 150 reports? This is too much la. We must come down hard on this people. We must take stern action.

Small Police: Yes sir, the number of cases are increasing sir.

Big Police. Tell our men to get ready tonight at 2200 hrs. There will be blitz. We will arrest of of them and put them under ISA.

Small Police
: But how sir? How to find these people sir.

Big Police: You took down their addresses when they reported didn't you?

Small People: Yes, I did, but these are the people who made the reports?

Big Police: ISA all of them, I don't care.

Small Police
: But, but sir, there is a report made by a VIP sir?

Big Police: Datuk or Tan Sri?

Small Police: Tun, sir.

Big Police
: What's the report about?

Small Police
: He reported that the traffic lights at the junction next to our station is not working. He nearly had an accident sir. Do we ISA him also sir?

Big Police: You idiot. Get our men, dig out the Traffic lights and send them to Kamunting.

Saturday 13 September 2008

The Dialogue

Hark, yee monster of the dark night.
Why doth thou appear and give me a fright?

Adei, macha, why you talk like that
This is 2008 la, Macbeth is long dead

Yee speaketh with a tongue so weird
Yet I could still comprehend thy word

Ayoyo, what's wrong with this fellow ah
Makes my job of of delivering this news so susah

Hear yee monster from hell
Why doth yee come, do tell

Actually ah Mr Pee Am sir
I come from heaven to ask you a favour

From the heavens thy say?
With tidings from the Gods? Oh pray.

Well actually you can call it like that
But the tiding I bring is kinda sad

No, no please go horrible monster
Sad tidings, no time have I to ponder

Actually ah my dear old man
God said you can no longer be the Pee AM

Why thy lieth thy horrible creature
My throne thy come to censure?

The God has seen your report card
You gave Him a stroke right from the start

Why, I rule with a just hand
My people are happy in this land.

Dei rascal happy you say?
Some don't even have a home to stay

No abode have those peasantry
Who chose not to join my party

I say common la Mr. Sleepy
You are not God, can't you see?

Beware thy tongue speaketh infamy
For a worthy ruler God seeyeth in me

Adei podah puluti kacang
If He hears you say this he'll cut your tongue

I will not, my throne, relinquish without a fight
Go now lest my Son In Law will slay you tonight

Actually your son in law has already run away
With your deputy, they absconded today

Oh no, Oh no what befalls me
The greatest ruler of the land of hadhari

I say, don't bow before me you nerd
Your reign is over haven't you heard?

Please monster we maketh a trade
The ISA goes but my throne I take?

Ayoyo, you all hear what he said?
With God also he wants to negotiate.

Monster, please send Him my plea
No more atrocity He shall see

Uh, uh times up la dei
Pack up and out the door that way



Thursday 11 September 2008

The Fairy God Mother

Ahmad: Hey son, who were you talking to?

Son: My fairy god mother.

Ahmad: How many times have I told you there is no such thing as a fairy god mother?

Son: I know, but there really is a fairy god-mother dad.

Ahmad: Okay, call her here now. I would like to talk to her.

Son: But she won't come dad. She said she doesn't want to meet you.

Ahmad: Did she tell you why?

Son: She said that you are a bad man. You betray your Chinese friends by calling them pendatangs.

Ahmad: You saw that news on tv didn't you?

Son: No, I didn't, the fairy god mother told me.

Ahmad: Well, you fairy god mother is wrong. She should thank me for calling the Chinese pendatangs.

Son: Why dad?

Ahmad: You see son, the Chinese are actually bad people. They come from another country and they want to chaste us out of this country.

Son: Why do they want to do that dad?

Ahmad: Because they are greedy. Now, you tell your fairy god mother that your dad is right by doing what he did. Can your fairy god mother grant you wishes?

Son: Yes dad, she told me so. She even asked me to make a wish but I didn't know what to ask for.

Ahmad: Well, ask your fairy god mother to make all this pendatangs to dissapear. Okay son, time for bed. No more talking to make belief fairy god mothers okay. Good night son.

Son: Good night dad.

15 minutes later

Ahmad: SON, SON, where are you? Where are you. Huh, there you are. I am so worried, I thought, I'd never find you.

Son: Dad, where are we? Why are we here. I was talking to my fairy god mother and suddenly we here in a strange place.

Ahmad: Err, what were you talking to the fairy god mother?

Son: I told her, I wish all the pendatangs would be sent back to where they come from. Dad, is that Tun and Uncle Samy there selling roti? Dad is this India.


Ahmad: Quick, quick, I got the break that I had wanted all this while. They finally gave me what I wanted, actually not exactly what I wanted but close enough.

Machai: What are you talking about boss? I don't quite get you?

Ahmad: When did you ever? Don't you see? Can't you remember what happened about a decade ago? The same month?

Machai: What boss, what? You know I am a little bit slow with riddles so could you .....

Ahmad: Oh, shut up. About 10 years ago, Madey got Anwar sacked from UMNO and then Anwar took to the streets. Look at him now. Now its my chance to do another 'Reformasi'. I was hoping they'd sack me, but a 3 year suspension is good enough. We take to the streets and one day I'd be a hero.

Machai: Are you sure that is a good idea boss?

Ahmad: You potong stim only la. If we do it properly of course it would work. Now all we need is a good battle cry. Anwar had Reformasi and Lawan Tetap Lawan, so what do you suggest our cry be?

Machai: I don't know boss. What about 'Transformasi' boss?

Ahmad: Why?

Machai: I don't know, just that it sounds nice and it has the 'formasi' thing and is quite close to Transformer which is a good movie.

Ahmad: Do you know what 'Transformasi' means?

Machai: No! You boss?

Ahmad: Beats the hell out of me but it sounds kind of nice. Now go gather all our men. We'll head to Mesjid Negara, just like Anwar did.

Machai: Err, boss, I have 15 men here right now, is that enough?

Ahmad: Hang gila ka? Where got enough. I need thousands, man, thousands.

Machai: Err, its going to cost you big time boss. Anwar could do it because they did it for free, but you boss, I don't think even your children would do it without payment.

Ahmad: Damn it, damn it. At last I got a chance and it is wasted just because I have fools like you around me. Call Mr. Chong and see if he could get me a few thousand men.

Machai: Mr. Chong boss? I thought he is a pendatang? Do you think he would help you after all that you have said about his race?

Ahmad: Yes, come to think of it, I kind of over did it with that pendatang thing. Come on man, think, think. What about the guy who tore up Tsu Koon's picture?

Machai: A thousand a day minus expenses boss.

Ahmad: Shit, all this people think is money. Err, do you think Ezam could spearhead my campaign for free? He's got experience?

Machai: I don't think you should even think of him boss. He promised Permatang Pauh and Perak and didn't even come close.

Ahmad: RPK?

Machai: Are you having a fever?

Ahmad: Look's like, I missed the boat. What do I do now? 3 years is a long time you know. People forget you in 3 years. What do I do?

Machai: Apologise?

Tuesday 9 September 2008

Paradise Lost - Remixed and Remastered

Satan: I call this meeting in the great Hall of Pandemonium to discuss a matter of great importance.

Fallen Angel1: What is it that is so important that could not wait Lord Satan. You do look worried. I have never seen you this worried since God caught you whispering into Eve's ears.

Satan: You call that worried? Na! that was concern, I mean losing my place alongside God was only a concern. I like it here in Chaos, here I rule and I surely wouldn't like it if I were to be dethrone from this fiery Kingdom of mine.

Fallen Angel2: You mean there is a threat to your reign here? Oh common, you've got to be joking.

Satan: Do I look like I am joking? I joke when I tricked humans not to pray; I joke when I get humans to go to war; I joke when I persuade a virgin to give herself up to a Mat Rempit, but I don't joke with my slaves. You understand that?

Fallen Angel2
: So that's it huh? I am just a slave to you huh? After all we've been together, I am still only a slave to you? Should have listened to the other angels.

Satan: Are you regretting following me? Do you know what happens to errant Fallen Angels?

Fallen Angel2: Alright, alright, you've made your point, I hear you. You don't have to shout do you? You'll wake the neighbourhood up.

Satan: That's why we are here for you fool, to wake the neighbourhood up. Oh why do have to suffer idiots like this, they don't make devils like they use to, I tell you. How, I long for the old days.

Fallen Angel3: Err, boss, you were saying?

Satan: Ah yes, look, our territory is being encroached. For the first time since we were thrown out of heaven, we have competition.

Fallen Angel4: Aww common boss, who could be badder than us, tell me, tell me?

Satan: Well they say a picture paints a thousand words so I have got here a video for you to watch, courtesy of YouTube. Look and you will understand why I am worried.

Fallen Angel1: Hey those are mortals boss, they are no match for us? I know they are bad but they aren't badder than us.

Satan: Ooops! Wrong disc, that's George Bush. Yeah I agree he is not that bad. He only bully others, not his own people. Ah, here's the disc.

Fallen Angel5: Where is that land? What country is that? You sure that's not Mars before it went dead? That place sure looks spooky.

Satan: That, my angels, is Malayuss.

Fallen Angel3: Wow that's a real big mess you got there boss. How did things get to be that bad?

Satan: Let me rewind it to about 25 years ago.

Fallen Angel6: Hey those people are real cool man. We sure do have a lot to learn from them.

Satan: That's the problem. It's we who have to teach them but look how good they are at destruction. Hey my reputation is at stake here you know. What if word gets around that there actually are badder beings than me? Look at their moves, I mean, even I couldn't think of such strategies. They make George Bush and the Republicans look like Girl Scouts.

Fallen Angel2: Hey I love that pack them away to Taiwan stuff, real first class man.

Fallen Angel3
: I love the lock the whistle blower part, that's really original man.

Fallen Angel5: Nah! I love the ISA man, that's real cruel man, my kind of thing man.

Fallen Angel1
: They could've handled that Saiful part better you know. If only they had planned it real proper. The idea is good man but the execution is, at best, amateur.

Satan: They are after all mortals so they can't be perfect but you've got to admit, they are good.

Fallen Angel2
: Hey boss, you are right. Your Kingdom is really under threat. You've got to do something about this boss if you want to continue being King.

Satan: I could enlist them? Do you think they will accept it?

Fallen Angels2
: Bad idea boss. They eat up their own kind. How could you trust them?

Satan: You've got a point there.

Fallen Angel1: Tell you what boss, if we can't beat them, join them.

Satan: You mean go down there and be a part of them? They'll make us look like novices.

Fallen Angel1
: No, I mean we watch and learn and use the same strategies elsewhere. Let them do the thinking for us.

Satan: Hey, you are right. Alright, all sattelites on Malayuss. Learn their every move.

Monday 8 September 2008

The Play

Act 1 Scene 1

Dolluss: We fear for our throne, for did not he, the once vanquished, rise as he promised, from the ashes of destruction?

Najibuss: Hail Dolluss, the vanquished one has arisen only to seek hell again, for fear not, Najibuss, your humble lieutenant and worthy successor will sever head from body should another step forward he maketh.

Dolluss: Najibuss, know yee not, this he yee seek to slain, of sterner stuff than mere mortal, is made?

Najibuss: Najibuss the son of Razakus do not fear mortals. Slain him I will, for in my possession a miraculous substance I have, sent by the Gods of War. See for to it Great Dolluss, my miracle substance will mince meat make of him that traitor Anwaruss.

Dolluss: Caution oh young Najibuss, for in the Stars, the Gods of Hadhari speaks of voluminous
crowd doth follow him. His strength lies not in his hands or miraculous substance, but in the crowd that doth follow him in the millions. Go now brave Najibuss, your duty awaits. This throne thou must protect for is it not this throne that thy seeketh?

Najibuss: Hail Dolluss, Emperor of Malayuss, Keeper of the Throne of Sleepuss, I promise to serve his head for us to feast.

Act 1 Scene 2

Kairuss: Oh, father, have thou reneged on thy promise?

Dolluss: Ah, Kairuss, the husband of of my lovely Noruss, why has thou made such a false
accusation? The Great Dolluss, father of Hadhariland always keepeth his words.

Kairuss: Forgive me O Great Emperor. I, your son, though not borned yee by the late Queen, but still thy son non the less, for in thee a father I see, is troubled by the promise yee made to that lecherous lieutenant, Najibuss, the Lord of Pekanuss, that this throne, yee once promised me would to him yee bequeath.

Dolluss: Ah Kairuss, the young Sire of Oxfordus, patience is a virtue thou must learn. Anwaruss is too invincible for yee to fight alone. Let Najibuss, whose great ambitions blind him, inflict great wounds on Anwarus but the final kill will be the one that yee, my son, taketh to sever the head of that Traitor Anwaruss and in yee, the people will see a hero, worthy of the Throne of Malayuss

Act 2 Scene 1

Najibuss: Oh, Great Dollus, Great Dollus. I come with bad tidings from the forest of Permatanguss Pauhuss. The Traitor Anwaruss had summoned the forces of evil and led a great Tsunamic tide. Our men, oh brave soldiers, are no match for the might of the mighty Tsunami that he led.

Dolluss: Oh God of Gods, what is to become of my throne? Oh, Noble Najibuss art thou hurt in this treacherous war? Tell me what strategy thy seeketh that cannot but wound this trecherous Anwaruss.

Najibuss: Oh Great Emperor, with me I brought a million soldiers from the Kingdom of UMNOus, all man of great stature who have battled in Ijokuss. The merceneries of Rempituss too were in my ranks and a secret weapon I had kept in the person of Saifulluss were all thrown upon the Traitor but a current so strong and a wave so mighty that dwarfed the Himalayuss hit us. Our brave soldiers could not look at his forces, for from intelligence I hear, his man do not seek rewards of the Ringgituss kind but only the glory of victory.

Dollus: Saifulluss? Who is this Saifulless yee sayeth? Is he a magician? A soldier?

Najibuss: No Great Emperor, he is none of the type yee sayeth. His strength lies not in the front yee see but in the back of his bottom for in that tiny orrifice that he hides lies a great weapon that once vanquished the Traitor Anwaruss.

Dolluss: What? Oh Najibuss, and I thought that in yee I could trust. Do yee not see that in war one do not use the same strategy a second time?

Najibuss: Oh Lord of Hadhariland, more bad tidings have I to report.

Dolluss: Is defeat not an end in itself that more tidings should surface out of it? Say it, say it O
Lord of Pekanuss. What more scorn would the Heavens pour on us.

Najibuss: Our men from the Specialuss Branchuss report that the Traitor Anwaruss has in his grips the promises of more than three score and ten of our lawmakers to install him the new Emperor of Malayuss.

Kairuss: Father, father what is this I hear from the mouth so foul of this disgraceful Lord of Pekanuss. My throne, my throne, is it not to be mine?

Act 2 Final Scene

Dolluss: Have the men taketh my favourite couch, on which many many hours of blissful sleep I had?

Jeanuss: Yes, O banished Ex-Great Emperor. The couch is safely tucked in the bondage truck on its way to Kapaluss Batasuss.

Dolluss: Oh Putruss Jayuss, fare thee well for I may not walk this road again.

Jeanuss: Come, come make haste lest they find out that I have also taken your favourite bed.

Dollus: Wait, Kairuss, where is he?

Jeanuss: Zimbabwayuss, with Mahathiruss and Mukhruss.

Saturday 6 September 2008

Don't want to go, can ah?

BBC : Okay, this is an announcement, very important one so listen up. You all every time complain of work work work so now I have good news.

MP1: Why, you all want to give cuti ka? If no pay cuti I don't want la.

BBC: No we are going on a lawatan sambil belajar, a study tour.

MP2: Where, visit ice-cream factory ka?

MP3: If you want to take us round Putrajaya or go to Melaka, you go yourself la. Stay at home better.

BBC: No this lawatan is to Australia. 12 days, all expenses paid.

MP1: 12 days ka? In Australia? Waa, the gomen got so much money ka? I thought we already said to the people that we are going to save money? How come spend so much for one lawatan?

BBC: Don't worry, we are not using the gomen money. One of our MPs is sponsoring the trip.

MP4: Fuyooo! Our own friend going to sponsor ka? Go to Australia do what? Cannot make study tour to Hadyai ka?

MP5: Yes la, make la tour to Medan or the Eastern European countries. I heard the girls in Eastern Europe all very jambu-jambu one.

MP6: I saw the Olympics ah, waa the Romanian girls, the Russian girls all very sexy one la.

BBC: No la, we all going to Australia to study the Agriculture there.

MP7: Thailand's agriculture also okay what? Their durian and mango very good one you know.

BBC: No we go to Australia. The Agriculture there better, very scientific one and its a bit far from here. Why go to Thailand? So near only, weather also same only.

MP3: Why want to study how the cows and sheep mate ka?

BBC: We study how they plant wheat there. Then we open wheat orchards here. Next time no need to import.

MP2: Where got people plant wheat in orchards? I say you don't know ka, wheat need different type of climate. Our climate cannot.

BBC: Okay then we study their oil palm la. I heard they are very advance. After three months only can cut the oil palm tree and squeeze the oil from the leaves.

MP6: Aiyo, what are you talking about. You know what is oil palm ka and somemore where Australia got oil palm?

BBC: Never mind, never mind then we see how they plant copper and zinc and uranium?

MP2: So we want to plant copper trees here ka? You think copper is a crop ka?

BBC: Aiya, we all go makan angin la. No need to see any agriculture thing one. We just go to one place take many photographs and then we makan angin at the Eifel Tower or The Golden Bridge or Taj Mahal la.

MP7: Wa, Eifel Tower, Golden Bridge and Taj Mahal also got in Australia ka?

BBC: Shut up la you all. I say we go means we go la. Don't ask stupid questions.

MP4: Yes la, like the stupid answers you are giving us. When are we going?

BBC: We go on the 7th and come back on the 19th.

MP1: Hahahahaha, now I know. You all takut that we all going to cross the fence ka? Why want to go so soon? This is puasa month la. The Muslim MPs all very tired la.

BBC: I don't know. Attendance is compulsory. Tomorrow all of you give me your passports.

MP3: Don't want to go can ah? I sakit perut la.

BBC: Ask the TPM.

Friday 5 September 2008

I Sumpah, this has got nothing to do with Sept 16.

PUTRAJAYA: Barisan Nasional MPs have been asked to submit their passports for an overseas study trip ahead of Sept 16, the date that is being bandied about for supposed defections to take place.

Backbenchers Club chairman Datuk Seri Tiong King Sing said the trip was the brainchild of the club but rejected suggestions that it was organised because of the Sept 16 claim.

“The trip came about after a few of our members got talking. We wanted MPs to update themselves with the latest information about agriculture and high-tech food production so that we can debate better on the Budget when Parliament sits again in October.

“This is the best time for the trip although it is the fasting month because after that, Hari Raya celebrations begin and Parliament will meet again,” he told The Star here yesterday.

The above is an excerpt taken from a Star news report. Going on a trip during puasa months? Hmm real strange, strange indeed.

As claimed, it has got nothing whatsoever, sumpah I tell you, absolutely nothing to do with Sept 16. Really, I tell you, I could feel it in the vibes of the BBC Chairman when he said that it has got nothing whatsoever to do with Sept 16. Read my lips, NOTHING TO DO WITH SEPT 16.

I think the guy is willing to go to the nearest temple or church to take a Sumpah Keramat about this so you guys get off his back will you.

Sheesh! The nerve of you guys to even suggest that they are willing to take the whole backbench away just because of one man.

Hey it is a study trip la. They want to learn to be farmers la because after Sept 16 ooops! they want to start farming la. Anyway we need to grow our own food, we need to be self-sufficient so what better way than to get our own MPs to start the ball rolling?

They are so serious that they are collecting passports now. Hmmm, strange, real strange. Why collect passports now?

Maybe because this agriculture trip is so important that they don't want anyone to be left behind so those who have lost their passports could get them replaced and those whose passports with no empty pages left because all the pages have been stamped with HADYAAI or MEDAN or CHIANG RAI or LORONG GAHARU or LORONG HJ TAIB could get new pages. Waa, so serious one this agriculture trip and you people say the government is not serious about agriculture, shame on you.

Oh, to the Muslim backbenchers, remember this is puasa month so just because you are in foreign lands which means no Jabatan Agama people, doesn't mean its not puasa there.

And to those who are fighting their butts out bribing here bribing there to secure juicy position in the Bahagians and MKT make sure you leave enough money to your machais here to ensure that your dreams come true.

To those readers, stop thinking that this trip has got anything whatsoever to do with Sept 16. Why? Because they said so and surely our MPs wouldn't lie to us would they?

Thursday 4 September 2008

I would like to thank my late parents, my wife, children and manager ....

I was reading at a comment on my latest post about the demise of Pak Samad when I read Ydiana's invitation to her blog to collect an award.

The first thing that came to mind was what is this young lady up to but I am not one to dissapoint a guest so I headed over an what do you know, there was indeed an award.

What can I say accept I am touched by such gesture. I don't know what I did to deserve such award but I do accept it and thank Ydiana for feeling that I deserve such an award.

As always there will be things one must do when one accepts an award so here goes.

Brilliant Weblog is a prize given to sites and blogs that are smart and brilliant both in their content and their design.The purpose of the prize is to promote as many blogs as possible in the blogspere. Here are the rules to follow:

1.Put the logo on your blog

2.Add link to the person who awarded you

3.Nominate at least 7 other blogs

4.Add links to those blogs on yours

5.Leave a message for your nominees on their blogs.

I hereby nominate the following people to receive this award.

1. Doc Tokasid
The doctor with a conscience. The man who would forego riches to fight for what he believes in. There simply aren't many of this specie left.

2. Kerpov
The OKU with a sense of humour, a dirty tongue, sharp wit but a good heart. Love his style of writing.

3. MatSalo
This is one mean man when he puts pen to paper. A damn gifted writer who simply did not see the talent in him.

I would have nominated Shah too but Ydiana beat me to it so I would stop at 3. Now I have to get to their blog to inform them and "I don't want to fren you if you don't accept this award".

Al Fatehah

A. Samad Ismail or affectionally known as Pak Samad, the father of blogger Nuraina of Nuraina Samad's 3540 jalan Sudin has passed away. I am deeply saddened that Malaysia has lost an illustrious son To Nuraina and members of her family please accept my condolences. Be strong. From Allah he comes and to Allah he goes.

May Allah bless his soul. Amin.

Okay la we accept but next time you say some more we knock your head .

Ah Ting: Hey Palah, I heard that Ah Chuan kacau you about that Ahmad fellow, true ka?

Palah: Yes la Ah Ting. Everyday kacau one. I cannot sleep la. I was thinking about getting Epol to make one more police report and shut that Ah Chuan up la.

Ah Ting: Aiya don't la Palah. He always talk cock one. He don't know how we all make drama during elections. Forgive him la. Aiya give him a bit ah, one contract here, one contract there, he will understand la.

Palah: You tell him don't do like that again. He don't know he is talking to a Melayu Tuan ka?. After I take out the keris then he know.

Ah Ting: Don't la. I talk to him already so now everything okay one. No more noise la.

Palah: So when are you all going to say that you accept the apology?

Ah Ting: Aiya, you never read ka? We make already the statement. We all say we accept one, but still got members not happy because Ahmad did not do it personally.

Palah: Still got members not satisfied? Some more what they want. Why their stomach not yet full ka?

Ah Ting: No, not the important members. We all very happy one. We all don't care what Ahmad say. If he say we all hantu also we all don't care. We like being rich hantus. The ordinary members la Palah.

Palah: Never mind I'll ask the level 4 boys to think of something. We will stir a nest somewhere else and ask the papers to blow that thing up so that everyone will forget about this.

Ah Ting: Same style ah Palah? This strategy always works one la. What do you think is the best ah?

Palah: I don't know la. I think maybe ask the ACA to tangkap Samy and charge him. That would surely get the people interested. That is a big story la.

Ah Ting: Aiya, kisian sama dia la Palah. He our friend for so long one. Do it to Kayveas la. His party small only, somemore no seat in Parlimen. Keep him also tak guna only.

Palah: I think about it first la. I heard that Anwar is trying to fish MCA, betul ka?

Ah Ting: He never come and see us la but his people got try la.

Palah: How's the reception?

Ah Ting: What can he give to us? Nothing one so why go to him. We all in BN always win win one so stay here la.

Palah: Good good.

Wednesday 3 September 2008

Apologise already what? Some more not enough ka?

Ah Chuan: Aiya Palah, I thought your Najib is the No 2 man la, I did not know that he is only spokesman.

Palah: What do you mean spokesman. You better not let Najib or his wife hear this, otherwise sure koyak la you.

Ah Chuan: Come on la Palah, everyone also know he spokesman only.

Palah: Where got spokesman. Who say?

Ah Chuan: Then why he go and apologise one lo? Ahmad say those dirty things why must Najib apologise? Somemore apologise on behalf of UMNO?

Palah: Yes, la, we want to show that we all, the UMNO people feel very sorry for what that Ahmad fellow say, so we ask Najib to apologise la. Not enough some more ka?

Ah Chuan: So now Ahmad no more UMNO man ka?

Palah: He is still in UMNO and still division chief. That has not changed.

Ah Chuan: Then why must Najib apologise? Why not Ahmad himself? He still UMNO man so he must apologise la. If he run away from UMNO okay la other people apologise.

Palah: Aiya Ah Chuan, why you want to make so much noise one? You see Chun Wai that Star fellow also so lets look ahead and put this behind us, you only want to look behind, why not enough ka like this?

Ah Chuan: Aiya Palah, if I spit on your face now and then ask Soi Lek to apologise you want ka? After that can you still look at me and smile ah? Same la, Ahmad say, Ahmad must apologise la, not Ahmad say Najib apologise. Where got logical one.

Palah: If Ahmad don't want to apologise, what happens?

Ah Chuan: Then you must take action la. What he say very seditious one, cannot let go like that one, must take very strong action one.

Palah: Anwar give me headache, Mahathir give me headache, Najib also give me headache, my son in law give me headache, all UMNO veteran give me headache, now you also want to give me headache ka Ah Chuan?

Ah Chuan: I am not giving you headache Palah, I am only asking you to do the right thing. If this is not done than we two will get some more bigger headache la Palah.

Palah: Let me think about it la.

Ah Chuan: Okay but don't take too long la, 16th September is about 2 weeks away only.

Tuesday 2 September 2008

You only got face ka?

Ah Chuan: Aiya Palah, why he do like that ah? Like this we all now very susah la.

Palah: Wait Ah Chuan, wait. Who is this 'he' that you are talking about and what did this 'he' do?

Ah Chuan: Aiya, Ahmad la. He go and say we all Chinese all penumpang. Why say like that? Somemore go and say in Permatang Pauh, die la like that. Why this Ahmad so stupid one?

Palah: Aiya Ah Chuan, biasa la tu. We all always do like that what? Last time also we all do like that you never say anything one. Now only want to make noise.

Ah Chuan: I know last time also you all got say like that but we all keep quiet only. Keep quiet does not mean we all like you know?

Palah: I say Ah Chuan, this one politic la. Come on surely you can understand one.

Ah Chuan: To you simple la. To me, like committing suicide only. The Chinese all very angry one Palah, that is why they all didn't vote that Aliff fellow. Must change la Palah.

Palah: Okay, okay, after this I tell them not to say like that anymore.

Ah Chuan: What next time. Want to wait till next time, MCA die already la. All our MPs lari go to PR la. Now I call Ahmad and you scold him. I want to hear. Ahmad ah, Palah want to talk to you.

Palah: Mat! ha, how are you? I say why you say like that. Depa Cina-Cina ni semua tak syok la. Don't do again a. Okay, send my regards to your family.

Ah Chuan: Like that you call marah ka? I think you agree with him la, that is why you so soft with him. Like this la Palah, if he never apologise we all going to make police report.

Palah: Where is the BN spirit, why want to make report? You think police will listen to you ka?

Ah Chuan:Waa! You very sombong ah now Palah. You forgot how we all help you all last time, now you just throw all of us one side.

Palah: I know you all help but everytime you all help we all must give you and your friends something one. You all never help for free one. Got untung only you all help.

Ah Chuan: You all eat more than us la Palah, don't talk as if you are very clean one. Gerakan also angry with you all la.

Palah: I say Ah Chuan, we all can kowtim la. I cannot ask Ahmad to apologise, where we all want to put face if have to apologise?

Ah Chuan: Last time all can kowtim la, now cannot anymore. This time very serious. If I kowtim MCA surely die so no more kowtim. Waa, you think you only got face ah? We all no face ka? Hey even Samy Velu also got face la.

Palah: So now what you want me to do?

Ah Chuan: Do the right thing la.

Monday 1 September 2008

Yellow Submarine

Remember the friend who came to visit me during the short holidays? Yes, the one who was my housemate in Kelantan about 30 years or so ago.

This friend of mine is a gifted artist. He came here to attend a print-making seminar in USM. If you were to look at a picture under the caption RAHMAN, that picture is his first work. I waited but no one asked anything about that piece which is actually something very political.

Never mind, he just sent me another piece of his work entitled Yellow Submarine which I am including here and would like you to have a real good look it and maybe give your interpretation of what this print is all about.


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