Saturday 24 October 2009

A belated 30th Anniversary Present

The other day I saw an advert for an decent condo and it screamed 600K. Well I guess the amount's not too much to pay for a condo in hugely over-priced Penang. Anyway it has got a trully magnificent view of the sea and Penang Bridge and if I am lucky, with a good pair of scopes, on a bright moonlit night, I could spy on amorous couples doing contact yoga and practicing their Kamasutra positions behind some of the bushes overlooking the block.

I would really love to get my hands on a Honda Accord. No not the 3.0 machine, a simple 2.4 one would suffice but do you think 200 big ones could land me one of those mean machines? Anyway, I have budgeted a maximum of 200K for wheels. My 5 year old Proton Wira Aeroback is just too old for a Malaysian car.

Oh, I forgot, I budgeted a further 200K to furnish the Condo and get me another covered parking lot. I think I'll get me a 60" new-crazed LED TV and a good home theatre to watch all those sci-fi blue ray discs which I had long intended to buy. Yes, only originals would do. A few smaller LED tvs for the other rooms and some very comfortable sofas, and other needfuls and the extra covered parking lot would put the lid on my furnishing expenses.

A nice 2 week cruise cum holiday to nowhere for 7, first class all the way that is, would eat into my budget a bit but what the heck, you only live once.

I have also budgeted about up to 400K for a mini cinema which will screen reruns in the day time and porn at nights to ensure that I have enough money to pay for the service fee for the condo.

Whatever little left would be spent on brand new mobile phones, a good video camera and of course a high-end gaming desktop to play solitaire.

All in it would cost me about 1.5 million and at the current exchange rate, it is just nice. Now the biggest stumbling block would be how do I pay for all these in Ruppiahs because that's the amount the 500 Najib is giving us DG41 to DG54 servants of the people in January, would fetch.

Hopefully the Ruppiah does not pick up strength against the Ringgit, at least till after we get paid. I promised my wife a belated 30th anniversary present and now I am in the position to give her more. Anyway, my wife and  I would be celebrating our 30th anniversary on the 11th of November. You can send your gifts through the boss of the MACC who would vet them and certify clean and not meant to corrupt. Don't you know tackling corruption is an important theme of this year's budget?

Thursday 22 October 2009

The Expert.

Ah Chong: Good afternoon doc, long time no see, you must be very busy lately?

Doc: Yes la, even my wife is complaining, this inquest is taking up too much of my time la.

Ah Chong: Yes la doc, how come still not over yet? What's taking so long?

Doc: It should be over by now but those people want to bring in a foreign expert as if local experts are not good enough.

Ah Chong: But doc, I saw a programe in Astro about her and her works, she is good la.

Doc: I know she is good and experienced but this is a straight forward case. I could conduct the autopsy with my eyes closed.

Ah Chong: Well did you?

Doc: Did I what?

Ah Chong: Conduct the autopsy with your eyes closed?

Doc: No la that was a figure of speech only la, what I mean, is that the case is no big deal. One more thing, as much as I respect her, I think this time she got it wrong la. The other doctor and I concur on suicide and she comes to suggest that it was homicide.

Ah Chong: Maybe she saw something that you all did not see?

Doc: No, impossible, we scrutinised every inch of the body and the scene. We are also very experienced people la.

David: Dad, dad, come quick, come faster dad, its Rover, dad come quick dad.

Ah Chong: Hey that is my son David. Something must be very wrong, lets go see.

Doc: Yes la, he seems to bde in distress, lets go.

Ah Chong: What's wrong son, what happened? Oh noooooooo!  What happened to Rover? Where's his head?

David: Dad, Rover's dead dad, someone killed him. Look, they cut his head and hind legs off. Who could do such a thing dad? Oh no, Rover, Rover.

Ah Chong: Oh, God, Rover, why would anyone want to do such a thing to you?

Doc: Now, now, now. Ah Chong, David, compose yourselves. I am sad too with what happened.

Ah Chong: Doc, who could have done such a thing? Rover is such a good dog. He hardly barks at anyone, why would they want to do such a thing?

Doc: Let me see if I could find some clues that could help us find out what actually happened and who are the perpetrators of this hideous crime.

David: Please la uncle, please help us find out who did this.

Doc: Hmmm, hmmmmm, Huh! a machete, this must be the weapon used. See how fast I found the weapon? I am such an experienced man and still they want to bring in a Thai expert.

Ah Chong: Please la doc, leave the inquest alone and look into this. I want to know who did it. They killed him with my own machete. That machete is mine.

Doc: Don't worry Ah Chong, David. You can rest assured that I will get to the bottom of this. Hmmm, look at this trail here, it leads to the roof. Hah! I got it, my god, am I good or am I good. I have solved the case. Look here at this trail, it leads to the window of that room up there.

Ah Chong: Yes la doc, do you thing the killers got into the house and got into the room to kill Rover?

Doc: No, no, don't jump to conclusions. I have years of experience. This is how it all happened. Rover was chained near your garage right?

Ah Chong: Yes, just next to the garage.

Doc: You kept the machete in the store in your garage right?

Ah Chong: Yes, how do you know?

Doc: I am trained in all these remember. You see, from all the evidence that I gather here and I am 100 percent sure that Rover, broke loose from his chains, got into your garage and took out the machete. He then ran upstairs into that room and jumped down. On the way down, he used his front legs to sever both his hind legs and just before hitting the ground, he used the same legs to completely sever his head off. There you are. No need to blame anyone, it's SUICIDE.

Friday 16 October 2009



Tuesday 13 October 2009


Wow, the British government, so desperately in need of money, is planning to sell state assets! This recession must be really bad for a once superpower with bank vaults all over the world to resort to asset off-loading to get cash. I wonder if the British civil-servants will be getting a bonus this year?

Hey, talking about bonuses, we in the civil service in this country have not been promised any bonus this year and come budget day, no one has been talking about the subject that got many civil servants tuned in to their local channels every year.

Do you seriously think civil-servants crowd round the tv set to know what fiscal strategy the government would be employing when the Finance Minister rattles on and on on Budget Day? Do you seriously thing that the Finance Minister actually knows what he is talking about when he rattles on on that day?

Do you seriously believe that civil servants cares if its going to be a balanced budget, a deficit budget or a surplus budget? Heck civil servants don't care. All they care about is that will there be a bonus for them come year end.

I don't blame them really because whatever gains acquired through all those pay revisions that they got has been taken care off by the local sundry shops and gas stations. In fact, all those revisions couldn't stop them from having a deficit budget of their own.

Okay so Big Mama's husband gave a RM500 bonus recently to non-graduate civil servants so what is the big deal. A boy in my school recently opened up his purse to show off RM100 so what is a RM250 x 2 bonus really worth?

Now let me give the government a lesson in economics. We could always copy others and today lets copy the British Government by stripping off state assets to give us civil-servants not just a 2 months bonus but also a 30 percent pay raise then we could all rush to the nearest stores to do our shopping and inject life once more to our fast sleeping shopping malls.

No, my plan doesn't involve selling assets of money making companies. I am thinking about letting off assets that have been lying idle and doing nothing good for the country and if you could count brains as assets then I would suggest that for starters we sell our cabinets ministers brains but then I don't think that is a good idea because all those brains would not fetch much.

So Malaysia what do you have to sell? Hah I know, lets start with the lake in Putrajaya. I know of some unemployed, no make it many unemployed graduates who are willing to start a cat fish rearing project and with the AFC channel on Astro being so popular, I heard the demand for duck meat is great so they could reserve a corner of the lake for duck rearing.

What about Gunung Kinabalu? If you charged 10000 climbers RM1000 each you would only get about 10 million and that amount wouldn't do much to even cover the cost of maintaining the mountain so why not sell it? Since we are so fond with getting our names in the Guinness Book of World Records, this transaction would surely make it into the book as the biggest structure ever sold.

I would also recommend the Rajang River, Fraser's Hill and the PKFZ but it would take too long to explain my justification so why not you readers recommend something because we really do need the bonus and pay raise soon and judging by the alarming death-rate of our MPs and ADUNs, I am sure the government is also interested in this money spinning initiative because buy-elections are not cheap you know.

Wait, wait, what about bank accounts?

Friday 2 October 2009

The Return

Machaius: Hail, The Thane of Banus Pinangus, your humble servant bringeth heavenly news from the steps of Putrus Jayus.

Isaus: Speaketh, good servant, loyal warrior, for our heart raceth as fast as Hamiltus in Singapus. What tiding doth thou bringeth from the steps of Putrus Jayus that paints such joy in thy countenance?

Machaius: Rejoice oh Prince of Baganus for our delegation, after encountering the soldiers of the Villain Matus Hassanus fought so bravely that the Gods of Putrus Jayus was left without a choice but you oh Lord of the land Pinangus.

Isaus: Is it true these words that you say oh valiant servant of Baganus? Is it true that the soldiers of Hassanus hath surrendered?

Machaius: Yes, my Lord, as true as that Old Fool Kuttyus hailed from the sub-continent no matter how he denyeth. Once faced with our relentless onslaught and continued threats that Baganus Pinangus would be lost if my Lord is not picked, the Gods relented much to the dismay of the of the weakling Hassanus who ran to sulk at the laps of the scrawny Kuttyus.

Isaus: Rejoice, my servants, rejoice for We, the Lord of Baganus Pinangus will reign once more. Go, go seek which parcel of land in this Land of Nine, thou desireth for thou deserveth it.

Machaius: My Lord, your humble servant wants very little for himself because his effort is to see that my Lord once more sits on the Throne that rightly belongeth to him, the Throne that was untimely robbed from him by the teacherous old lepers of the Disciplinary Committee. If it pleaseth my Lord could thy humble servant ask for an insignificant parcel of land of only 5 hectares each for each of his 15 children, 3 wives, 4 brothers, 3 sisters one mother, one father, 3 mothers-in-law and 3 fathers-in-law?

Isaus: What?, Parcels so small for my valiant warrior? Go, scour the Land of Nine and take whatever they desireth for thy Lord The Great Isaus Thane of Baganus Pinangus is back.


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