Hmm, I wonder who these people are.
"A man of principles will resist an evil system with his whole soul. Non-collaboration with evil is a sacred duty!" -- Gandhi
Monday, 30 June 2008
SAIFUL BAHARI AZLAN 2
Hmm, I wonder who these people are.
SAIFUL BAHARI AZLAN
Still down with flu so have a look at this. Take care and stay calm.
Sunday, 29 June 2008
Here We Go Again
Smell a rat? Well I do, of course some won't because they want to believe it. Lets just wait to see if Pak Lah is cleverer than Mahathir.
Mahathir made a circus out of the whole thing. The blundered the whole case with the way they handled it. Now lets see if Pak lah could learn from the mistakes made by Mahathir and handle this case with finesse and grace.
What ever it is, considering the timing and considering what happened to Yong and the MCA, only a bloody fool would swallow this whole.
I am not saying the man is not guilty, though I seriously doubt so, all I am saying is that a man is not guilty until proven so.
So lets wait. This is going to get interesting. Are they looking for an excuse to declare emergency should there be a demo if Anwar is taken in? Remember, this time not only Malays would hit the streets but also Indians and Chinese.
Let common sense prevail, stay calm and don't listen to rumours. Lets see what cards they have.
Friday, 27 June 2008
Please sir I am from .....
PM: Okay, but do hurry up, time is precious. I have got 3 meetings and 2 siestas waiting.
Parent: Thank You Datuk Seri. My son scores 15 As in his SPM?
PM: So you want a scholarship? You should ask the relevant people. I can't be in charge of everything you know?
Parent: No sir, I am not talking about scholarship because it won't do me much good.
PM: So you are saying you are a rich man and you do not need a scholarship for your son? If that's the case then why bother me?
Parent: I would need a scholarship if my son gets to go to a university, but the problem is he is unsuccessful in his application sir.
PM: Then his results are not good enough, that's why he is unsuccessful.
Parent: But sir, surely 15 As must mean something.
PM: I heard there are others with 50 or 60 As. Your son only got 15.
Parent: Please sir, I may be an orang kampung but I am not that dumb. I know the value of 15 As and I know there is no such thing as 50 As or 60 As.
PM: Look I don't have much time. Your son is not qualified that is why he did not get a place.
Parent: Sir, could you just stop for while and listen to yourself. Do you know what you have just said?
PM: What do you mean? Are you saying I am a dumb fool who doesn't know what he is talking about? Move over, I have a country to run. I can't be entertaining every single Tom, Dick and Harry.
Parent: Thank you sir for revealing your true self. Wait till I go home and tell the people of Sabah about this.
PM: What? You are from Sabah? Why didn't you tell me earlier? Can anybody tell me why this man's daughter got 60 As and still could not get a place in the university?
Thanks to kerp. Got the idea from his latest entry.
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Insp: Yes, sir. You want to see me sir?
IGP: Yes you, have a seat.
Insp: Thank you sir.
Insp: Huh? That's very kind of you sir. Yes, please.
IGP: You are new to the HQ are you?
Insp: Yes sir. Just got in last week.
Insp: But, the no smoking .....
IGP: Aaah fuck it, do you smoke?
Insp: Yes, I do and thank you sir. You are so kind.
IGP: Plenty more where it came from, stupid smugglers. Married?
Insp: No sir, still young.
IGP: Oh you haven't screwed around enough huh?
Insp: Well, that's one way of putting it.
IGP: Actually I have an assignment for you. Its real important but very dangerous. If you live through it, I'll personally see to it that you be made OCPD. What say you? Are you up to it?
Insp: OCPD sir? Any district I chose? Your wish is my command sir.
IGP: That's my boy. My deputy will brief you on your assignment and anyway, I am very proud of you young man. The country is proud of you.
Insp: Thank you sir.
Dep IGP: Here's your assignment. Everything is in that envelope. I am giving you the day off, start tomorrow at 0800 hours. Good luck son.
3 months later at the KLGH hospital 1st class ward.
IGP: I see your injuries are healing fine. You've really got balls to accept that assignment.
Insp: Thank you sir. I am just glad to be alive. I never thought I would make it.
IGP: As promised, which district would you like to be OCPD?
Insp: Thank you so much sir. Bukit Mertajam if you please. They say, stay there a year and you've made it for life.
IGP: Good choice son, good choice.
Insp: Thank you sir.
IGP: Actually what happened that day? All I knew was that you were badly injured and there wasn't a single soul to testify what happened to you.
Insp: Actually, there's nothing much to report sir. I rang the bell and there she was, minus the make up. That scared the hell out of me. When I said I was asked to record her statement regarding the RPK SD, all hell broke lose. The next thing I knew was that I was warded and had been in coma for almost 3 months.
Tuesday, 24 June 2008
Memang padan muka Pak Lah pon sebab bukan tak tau dia tak dak standard nak jadi PM tapi nak jadi jugak. Rakyat memang la dok geram dengan kerajaan jadi bila juak-juak ni semua mola dok hentam dan dengan personality-personality yang boleh di kira hebat yang depa ada apa lagi semua pakat seronok dok teghejai la kat orang tua tu.
Niat depa ialah nak dapat sokongan semua yang berjiwa pembangkang untuk pebusuk Pak Lah sampai satu Malaya akan meluat kat dia. Si chief jadah ni pun join sekaki tapi sebenaqnya sokongan yang dia ada tak seberapa mana sangat, cuma beberapa blogger upahan dia saja. Tapi bila dicampoq dengan sokongan penjiwa-penjiwa pembangkang yang lain memang jadi riuh la dunia blog ni dengan laungan sughoh Pak lah undoq.
Si jadah besaq ni jugak guna juak-juak dia untuk hentam menantu Pak Lah teghok-teghok sebab dia tak mau budak muka tak malu tu jadi terlalu berkuasa sebab dia pun ada anak jugak yang teringin nak ikut jejak langkah bapak dia jadi Jin Iprit.
Semua ni mola menunjukkan kejayaan sampai dalam pilihan raya banyak negeri yang jatuh ke tangan pembangkang. Memang yang ni yang jadah besaq tu mau sebab ini tanda Pak Lah lemah, memang lemah pun. Tapi semua kena ingat yang si jadah besaq ni tak mau PR jadi terlalu berkuasa sampai BN buleh jatuh. Dia mau BN terus kuat supaya dia atau juak-juak dia buleh take over pemerintahan dan mungkin buleh mulakan satu dinasti.
Bila dia dan gang dia take over tengok la apa yang akan jadi kat dunia blog Malaysia. Nanti jadi lebih teghok daripada lani. Hampa ingat hampa buleh bersuara ka? Nanti jadi macam zaman lewat 90an la di mana oghang takut nak bersuara. Bukak mulut ISA dalam masuk.
Bukan susah nak tengok. Dulu juak-juak upahan ni seolah-seolah seiring dengan komponen-komponen PR kecuali PKR yang depa dok taram tu, dalam menggodam BN. Bila dah nampak sangat BN dah goyah dan goncang, depa aleh sasaran depa kat parti-parti komponen PR pulak. Depa tak mau PR terus maju. Depa nak stop kemaraan PR at all cost.
Lani semua saja yang ada kaitan dengan PR tak betoi di mata depa. Jadi kalau gang2 Pak Lah tak betoi, PR pun tak betoi, sapa yang betoi? Ikut depa, tohan depa tu la yang betoi.
Aku dok tengok trend ni makin menjadi lebih-lebih lagi dalam sebulan dua ni. Memang dasar celaka yang suka pecah dan perintah, lani depa atau pun dia nak buat macam tu jugak.
Yang ni semua adalah telahan aku daripada apa yang aku tengok dan aku rasa. Kalau tak setuju, hampa punya pasai la pasai aku bukan diktator nak paksa orang pecaya kat aku tapi aku nampak jelaih kerja khianat jadah besaq tu.
Beware of the Devil Reincarnate
My God What Next
Somehow, I wasn't feeling too good. The overcast moody sky suddenly let off a heavy downpour. Visibility was bad that I had to ease off the pressure on the pedal.
I was thinking if this moodiness that suddemly creeps in could be blamed on the dizzy spell that I get before taking my Athenolol. No, it's not that but I simply could not explain it. Could it be a premonitiojn of bad things to come? Oh fuck, I forgot to bring my pills. Now what do I do? Take away or eat in? At my wife's behest, I decided to eat in. Never mind I could take the pills at home.
With two umbrellas we dared the torrential rainfall and walked the twenty meters or so to the covered stalls. There were many empty tables and we took one next to the drink stall. The owner, a Mr. Haniffa is a very nice man. He had been operating there for close to thirty years. He had always been a person who would rather absorb any price increase rather than pass it over to his customers.
I could still remember him selling a glass of teh tarik for sixty sen while others have already increased theirs to eighty sen. But even Haniffa could not sacrifice for too long so now his teh tarik is already eighty sen but the quality is still superb. I dare say that its the best in Penang.
One attraction of Haniffa's stall is his sandwiches. They are simply heavenly. At RM1.50 per set of two sandwiches either with chicken, beef or tuna fillings, they are trully value for money. Sadly this morning, there was no sandwiches.
I looked up and saw a brand new board in deep red with his price list clearly visible in bold black letterings. Just like Haniffa, I said to myself, ever the compliant man.
Wait a minute, what the fuck, sandwiches RM1.70 per set? So he can't take it any more. Even Haniffa has to give in when the strain gets unbearble. With the increase in prices of raw materials even Haniffa has to surrender. I don't blame him. I know we have it coming. I take my hats off to the man. At least he took longer than many others to raise his price.
Look at the new price, I told my wife. She nodded and suddenly said that even her regular tailor has increased ten ringgit per baju kurung.
My god, what next.
Monday, 23 June 2008
Usul Naik Harga
Semua mesti faham yang kami buat ini untuk kebaikan semua, bukan untuk menyusahkan semua. Memang la pada mulanya tuan-tuan dan puan-puan akan merasa sedikit keperitan, mungkin jugak banyak keperitan, tapi ingat, kita ini semua rakyat yang cintakan negara dan kental. Kita boleh menghadapi apa-apa saja kesukaran hidup. Kita sudah biasa hidup susah jadi apa lah salahnya kalau kita hidup susah lagi? Hidup susah ini bukan perkara baru untuk kita.
Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan patut tahu yang walaupun kami dalam kerajaan memang mendapat gaji yang sungguh banyak dan elaun untuk apa saja yang kami buat, tapi kami tetap sedih dan bersimpati dengan nasib tuan-tuan dan puan-puan sekalian.
Bila saja kami makan yang enak-enak di hotel-hotel yang mewah, kami sentiasa teringatkan nasib tuan-tuan dan puan-puan yang mungkin terpaksa makan ubi kayu. Bila saja kami bercuti di London atau Paris, hati kami tetap bersama dengan tuan-tuan dan puan-puan di Malaysia, negara yang tercinta yang mungkin terpaksa bercuti di tepi sawah sawah padi.
Betapa peritnya tuan-tuan dan puan-puan rasa, kami juga turut sama merasainya walau pun dalam segala kemewahan.
Bila harga petrol dinaikkan bermakna kita telah mengurangkan subsidi. Tuan-tuan kena ingat bahawa jumlah subsidi yang boleh kita jimat ini sangat banyak. Kita telah berjimat banyak billion yang boleh kita gunakan untuk perkara-perkara lain yang dapat membantu rakyat.
Tuan-tuan tentu tahu yang kita telah mengumumkan banyak corridor di Utara, Selatan, Timur dan Barat dan corridor-corridor ini memerlukan perbelanjaan yang sangat tinggi. Ramai kontraktor-kontraktor Melayu UMNO sedang menunggu-nunggu pemberian contract-contract. Jika contract-contract ini tak diberikan apakah akan terjadi kepada mereka? Ramai contractor-contractor China yang sedang tunggu contractor-contractor Melayu UMNO untuk subkan contract-contract ini kepada mereka. Ini adalah contoh perpaduan yang hanya terdapat di Malaysia.
Bayangkan apa yang bakal terjadi kepada mereka kalau contract-contract ini tiba-tiba saja dihentikan. Bayangkan betapa hampanya contractor-contractor Melayu UMNO dan China MCA ini. Apa akan terjadi kepada semangat muhibbah antara mereka ini?
Bayangkan betapa mudahnya orang-orang Singapura dapat datang ke Malaysia untuk menikmati kekayaan negara ini dengan adanya corridor-corridor ini. Kita kena ingat, walaupun dalam kesusahan kita kena tolong jiran kita. Dengan corridor-corridor ini mereka di Singapura yang sangat teringinkan tanah dapat memilikinya. Tidak kah anda akan merasa bangga yang anda telah dapat membantu jiran anda itu.
Tuan-tuan kena ingat bahawa semua projek ini mesti diteruskan juga sebab ramai orang UMNO telah berunding dengan orang-orang kampung untuk membeli tanah-tanah mereka dengan harga murah. Rami juga telah pun membelinya. Dengan terlaksananya projek-projek ini dapat lah mereka menjualkan tanah-tanah ini kepada orang-orang luar dengan harga yang sangat tinggi dan dengan itu mendapat untung yang banyak. Tidakkah anda bangga yang orang-orang Melayu UMNO ini sangat bijak berniaga? Mahu kah anda menggagalkan impian mereka?
Ingat, apabila saja Melayu-Melayu UMNO ini berjaya ramai lagi lah anak-anak dara cantik yang akan berpeluang mendapat sugar daddy. Rami yang berpeluang bekerja di cigar bar.
Penjimatan daripada subsidi ini juga memungkinkan kita menambah pengambilan anak-anak muda untuk PLKN. Bayangkan betapa ramai lagi Putera-putera UMNO yang akan dapat habuan dengan membekalkan pakaian-pakain seragam pada 2 kali ganda harganya. Ramai yang berpeluang menikmati durian runtuh dalam membekalkan makan-makanan basi kepada peserta-peserta ini. Bayangkan berapa ramai lagi Putera-Putera UMNO yang akan kaya dan memandu Mercedes dan membina bungalow dan pergi shopping ke Harrods. Anda tentu bangga sehinggakan keperitan yang anda bakal dan sedang merasai akan terasa seperti madu.
Saya merayu kepada pembangkang untuk sama-sama menyokong usul ini. Jangan lah fikir sangat tentang habuan sebab kami tak boleh bagi habuan kepada anda yang ada di pihak pembangkan. Kalau mahu, join lah kami macam seorang yang baru saja join kami dan sama-sama lah kita menikmati habuan. jangan risau, rakyat kita sporting. Mereka sanggup berkorban.
Sunday, 22 June 2008
He did it again
He also advised employees to save in difficult times as well as in good times. “Make sure you do not waste,” he added.
Make sure you do not waste? Save in difficult times as well as good? I say man Pak lah, right now I would like to fax you my pay-slip and copies of my bank books, Tabung Haji account and ASB account. Then maybe I'll also furnish you with infos on the price of essential items in my place. For your information,in this country, they differ from place to place. I'll give you the TESCO price, because they are considered to be cheap.
I'll also let you know the distance from my house to my school and also to TESCO besides all the nearest shops, so that you could calculate how much I need to spend on fuel for my motorcycle because I don't drive anymore eversince you dropped that bomb on us sometime back.
With all these infos, could you kindly please give me a reccomendation as to how to spend my money and what food to eat and still save RM10 a month. Please, I would appreciate it very much. If you could give me a logical reccomendation, I promise, I would vote for you the next time around.
By logical I mean, please don't ask me to eat once in two days and eat only 2 spoonful of rice husks each time. By logical please don't tell me to take a bus because it is cheaper and more reliable to travel by motorbike than by bus. By logical please don't tell me to ask my neighbour to do the shopping for me thus saving on fuel because my neighbour could always turn around and ask me to do the shopping for him. I don't like the idea of my neighbour knowing what I eat for the day as much as I know he does not like me to know what he eats because I am sure he is also scrounging for a living. Scroungers are proud people you know?
The fact that you could only afford to give that cliched advise despite the many advisors that you have, some from top unversities like Oxford, shows that you yourself are bankrupt of ideas. I hate to think that it was stupidity that prompted you to give that suggestion because what do I say to my foreign friends? Do I say I have a fool for a PM?
Thinds are bad enough as it is so please don't rub it in. Save? Let me see you people up there doing it.
Do The Right Thing
Najib - Turn yourself in
KJ : Grow up or join Bung
Mahathir: Shut up, repent and own up or if you refuse to do all these, then please die.
Ku Li: Get real
Mukhriz: Go to school
Daim: Return our money
Samy: Take it off, its ugly
Bung: Leave parliament and go to the zoo
Petronas: Cough it out
Police: Clean up
PLKN: Scrap it
ACA: Uncuff yourself
JKR: Do your maths right
Friday, 20 June 2008
Corners to cut
No, I don't have a budget for books and I admit I don't buy books much, in fact I can't remember when was the last time I bought a book but I know of some people who do make it a point to set aside a certain amount for books and for that matter many people set aside a certain amount for some kind of hobby or whatever.
Well anyway, That episode in school got me to thinking whether book buyers are similarly hurt with the recent hike of everything accept or salary of course. I refuse to believe that only the rich buy books. I know of parents who buy books often for their children if not for themselves. Do they still buy as many?
With everything going up its only a matter of time that the price of books would go up too though it should not actually be the case. The appreciation of the Ringgit against major currencies should witness a corresponding drop in the price of imported books but I haven't heard any euphoric cry from avid book buyers to testify to this.
Besides books, what about magazines? Do you buy as many magazines now as you did, say, one year ago and would you buy as many next year as you would today? These are questions to which I have no answer which only you who have. As I have said, I don't buy books. Come to think of it I don't buy newspapers and magazines too.
If you are thinking that I am talking about the call to change our lifestyle, you can bet your bottom dollar I am. I mean you don't expect a Malaysian to feed his/her children only once a day, though with the way things are going, that notion is not that far-fetched. As far as putting food on the table, I am sure Malaysians would do their very best to not change much which is going to incur a hell of a lot, so they will have to definitely cut corners but the million dollar question is what corners do they cut?
One avenue of course is books, next could be CDs and VCDs or DVDs which should be fine for us but not for the producers. Do you buy newspapers as often? I don't know, that's why I am asking you, then maybe I could get a better picture.
Just a moment ago something crept into my mind. I wonder if ASTRO would cite fuel increases to justify a rise in their subscription prices. I am not saying they would, I am saying I wonder. Who knows they would say, they have to pay so much more for fuel to send all those tankers to space to refuel their sattelites?
I am done with fucking the government about this so now lets face reality, what is it that we could and should do different to cope with the shrinking power of the ringgit? The above are some. Holidays could be another. Travel locally and not abroad, but then a round ticket to Langkawi from Penang is more expensive then one to Haadyai? I am not included here because I don't go for holidays anywhere.
The way you use the phone should be another way to cut expenses. Call only when necessary. Call Bangladesh, Thailand, Indonesia and Nepal more then calling local because they are cheaper. Hey I have got many sms from Maxis saying that calls to Thailand is only about 30+ sen a minute. That's cheaper then calling KL. Now all I have to do is to ask my son or daughter to go live there so that I could get to make calls cheaply.
Seriously, do you need underwears? I mean no one is going to see it? You are not Superman who wears his underwear on the outside?
See what happens? I started out all serious and stuff and ended talking about underwear. Before I go on to endorsing public nudity which I know I have a supporter in Kerp, let me stop here. Seriously, if you do have any suggestions, please share them.
Thursday, 19 June 2008
Heads I Win Tails You Lose
The Sanglang case is a clear cut case of cheating and yet the Judge is not empowered to deal with it conclusively. Now correct me if I wrong, I am made to understand that during the last elections the Pas Candidate, Uz Hashim Jasa actually won with a majority of 51. For some reasons only known to them but suspected by many, the Election Officer for that constituency declared the BN candidate as winner with a majority of 150+ votes.
I don't think the Election Officer in that place failed his maths at the UPSR, PMR and SPM level, but lets just say, he did fail his maths. Lets just say that all this time his children and wife has been short changing him every time they give him the change for any purchases they did for him. Lets say after taking 7 days annual leave out of his 35 days, he still believes that he has 34 days left, that doesn't mean that there were no calculators there at that time? He had so many assistants and not to mention the reps of both candidates.
I mean this is just a matter of adding up votes from various lorongs and tallying them up. Come on, is that difficult. I wonder if he was sweating gathering up all the people in the hall and adding up their fingers and toes? Then the next step is to deduct the lower number from the higher number. Could be that he did not know which is higher and which is lower.
After all these, you declare the person with the higher number of votes the winner and the majority is the difference between the totals.
I really think he is not that stupid. Okay, lets move on. In 2003, a certain idiot decided that there should be special election courts to decide election cases. I am all for it because it speeds the whole process up, but don't you think that every case should be dealt with conclusively?
If in the case of Sanglang isn't it common sense that the Pas candidate is the winner by virtue of him getting more votes than his opponent? I mean that is the whole idea right?
I am not blaming the judge since he is bound by rules and if the rules forbid him from making a conclusive decision then what is he to do. I am questioning why is it that these judges are not given this authority? Is it a mean to cheat? I see it that way.
Now that the court has made its decision, the ball is back at the EC's feet. Does this mean that the same officer would be given the task of declaring who the winner is, or does this mean that the EC would have the opportunity to declare that, "since the court declared it invalid then the EC has no alternative but to declare the whole process as null and void and that a by-election or re-election is necessary"?
If the same officer is given the task of finalising this unfinished job does it mean that the EC has to spend millions to acquire a supercomputer for that nincompoop to finally get his maths right?
In all fairness, the EC has to declare that the Pas candidate as the winner because he got more votes, then gazette the result as soon as possible so that he could attend parliament and vote for the motion of no confidence in the PM.
Even if the EC decides to declare the Pas candidate the winner, I doubt it would be attended to speedily. Suddenly that Tan Sri fellow would fall sick or has a meeting to attend in Timbuktu or decided to go for a second circumcision or anything just to delay the whole thing.
What I fear most is that they would decide that for it to be more conclusive than mere conclusive, as if there is a difference, there should be a re-election.
Wednesday, 18 June 2008
You know what is the meaning of double parking in porno language? It means a woman having both her cunt and her arse fucked at the same time.
Do us Malaysian realise that we are going to be double parked? Oh yes, we are, all right. First they rise the electricity tariff which is fucking us once, then they are going to raise the salary of the TNB big shots by 100 percent. If that is not double parking then I don't know what double parking is. What am I talking about? Read below,
KUALA LUMPUR: Khazanah Nasional Bhd yesterday defended the proposed salary hike for top officials in government-linked companies (GLCs).
Managing director Tan Sri Azman Mokhtar said salaries paid to top executives of GLCs had to be fair and in line with what such talent was worth not only in Malaysia but also overseas.
His comments, as reported by Bernama, were in response to comments in blogs that Tenaga Nasional Bhd (TNB) CEO Datuk Seri Che Khalib Mohamad Noh and CFO Datuk Izzadin Idris were getting a huge (an unconfirmed 100%) salary increase.Fuck Them.
Tuesday, 17 June 2008
Pak lah: Why Samy, why all of a sudden you want to back out? That day you said you want to stay on and repair your party?
Samy: You see, that old idiot Mahathir has resigned, Ling Liong Sik has also given up his post and recently that Kheng Yaik has also made way for younger leaders, so I think I also should follow their move la.
Pak Lah: That is very thoughtful of you la Samy. Everybody said, that you would hold the post until you die, but now you can prove that they are wrong.
Samy: Oh, they all said like that ah? When I make the announcement ah, I want to see their faces la. If can, now itself I want to resign.
Pak Lah: Very good Samy, after that we could revamp MIC and make it relevant again.
Samy: Oh, are you saying that now under me it is not relevant?
Pak Lah: No la Samy, I mean the people don't want anymore people associated with that mamak. Last time you all were dubbed the Terrible Four.
Samy: Where got Terrible Four? Kheng Yaik, Ling Sik, that old man and I were called the Fantastic Four la.
Pak Lah: Ok, ok, I am not going to argue with you. Er when you want to make an official announcement?
Samy: Tomorrow also can? Actually there is nothing much to be done in the party.
Pak Lah: I respect you for this sacrifice la. What do want in return? You want to be Ambassador, High Commisioner, or advisor, anything, just tell me. Commissioner of Oath also can.
Samy: Chit, I don't want all that la Pak Lah. I am sincere in what I do la. Never get anything also never mind la. When I resign, I want to travel round the world, have a nice rest and maybe do some charity work. I am old already, I don't want to be like that idiot, so old some more don't know how to keep quiet.
Pak Lah: I respect you la Samy. I'll make arrangements with the rest to give you a very good going away present.
Samy: Yes, now I can join the Fantastic Four again, Tun M, Tun Ling, Tun Lim and Tun Samy.
Pak Lah: What? Tun Samy?
Samy: Oh, sorry for beating the gun la but usually if leaders of senior BN components resign, they all get Tunship kan?
Pak Lah: Yes, usually like that la, but nowadays as a new strategy to appease the people, we are limiting the Tunship. We have given out too much already so we have decided to stop giving out Tunships for a while.
Samy: Ayo! when want to start again?
Pak Lah: 2011. I'll resign that year so they will give me the Tunship for that year la. Just be patient, in 2012 you will get the Tunship.
Samy: Oh like that ka? Like this la, in 2012 only I will resign.
Dollah: But, but, Samy, hey Samy wait, wait ...
Monday, 16 June 2008
Dollah: Saya panggil mesyuarat ini untuk kita bincang macam mana nak selamatkan BN.
Koon: Itu banyak bagus DS. Kita perlu ambil langkah dengan segera untuk menyelamatkan BN.
Ting: Saya pun setuju la DS, kalau kita tatak buat ape nanti lagi satu kali election kita sumua kalah.
Kayveas: I say, that is a very good idea la DS. Kita mesti ada pembaharuan.
Dollah: Itu yang saya sedang fikirkan. Kita mesti ada pembaharuan.
Samy: Saya tau, kita tukar itu BN punya nama. Kasi nama lagi glamour punya. Ini BN tadak baik la. Dia orang cakap Barisan Najis la, Barang Naik, Babi Negara la. Kita tukar jadi BB.
Dollah: Apa tu BB?
Samy: Barisan Baik.
Kayveas: Hey lu diam la Samy. itu BB pun dia orang boleh perli jugak, dia orang boleh kata Barisan Babi. Lu suka ka?
Koon: Saya rasa kita perlu tukar pucuk pimpinan semua party komponen. Rakyat mahu ubah, kita ubah. Saya akan umumkan saya akan letak jawatan secara resmi.
Kayveas: Ayo itu drastic la, tapi kalau itu dia punya cara, okay saya akan letak jawatan jugak.
Samy: Memang lu kena letak jawatan Kayveas. Ini sumua lu punya sial la kita sudah kena ini macam.
Kayveas: Sapa sial? Saya sial ka lu sial ka? Botak!
Samy: Sapa botak? Ini kipas atas saya punya kapala tak boleh nampak ka? Ular!
Dollah: Sudah, sudah. Saya rasa idea Tsu Koon bagoih. Hujung tahun ni saya resign.
Ting: Kalau itu macam, takpa la, saya pun resign la. Nanti saya Tanya saya punya adik, suruh dia tak over.
Kayveas: Oh no Kah Ting. Tak boleh kasi adik naik. Surupa jugak. Kasi sama Soi Lek.
Ting: Kasi sama Soi Lek, habis semua perempuan dalam MCA dia hantam. Okay la. Samy lu apa macam.
Samy: Kalau sumua orang sudah mau resign, saya pun resign la, tapi saya ada sikit kirja mau kasi habis so saya resign sikit lambat.
Kayveas: Hey botak, apa 2020? Lu apa mau lagi, resign sekarang la.
Samy: Ayo DS kasi chance sama saya. Saya tadak kalu, itu MIC misti mati punya.
Kayveas: Dei, lu pi mati la. Itu MIC tak bole mati punya.
Samy: DS, saya tak mau cakap sama ini ular. Saya cakap sama DS saja. Okay la, 2015 buleh ka?
Dollah: Tak buleh Samy. Paling lewat pun December tahun ni.
Samy: Ayo, tamau la DS. Kalu saya resign apa lagi saya mau buat? Sapa pun tadak hormat sama saya. Saya sunyi la ini macam. Mau jadi Sami itu kuil punya dalam pun sapa pun tamau kasi. Tolong la DS, tolong la Tsu Koon, tolong la Kah Ting.
Kayveas: Sama saya tamau mintal tolong ka?
Samy: Lu pi mati la Kayveas. Saya sumpah lu jadi lumbu 7 keturunan.
Dollah: Tak boleh Samy, kita kena berkorban.
Samy: Okay, saya boleh kasi korban 1000 ekor kambing.
Kayveas: Bukan korban kambing la. Korban lu punya kapala la.
Samy: Apa pasai lu tadak suka sama saya ha Kayveas? Saya ada hantam lu punya belakang ka? Okay la DS saya kasi last punya offer, 2012.
Sunday, 15 June 2008
Lu orang jangan la mare sama gua sebab ini terpaksa punya beb. Lu orang pegi tengok di luar sana, pegi tengok di Thailand, pegi tengok di Singapore, fuyoo gua cakap lu, harge minyak die melambong beb, sumpah gua cakap lu. Ala tak aci la mau banding dengan Kuwait dengan Arab tu semue. Kite tak buleh dengan negera jauh, kite banding dengan yang dekat baru aci beb.
Bile gua ingat balik la, gua ingat gua ni kena sumpah la beb. Betol gua cakap, lu tengok, bile mamak kerala tu jadi PM harge minyak alahai setoet aje. Tapi bila gua jadi PM saje fuh, dia naik beb, melambong tapi gua tahan jugak beb. Gua kasi tahan sama dia, gua tak kasi naik. Takpe gua cakap, gua kasi naik dia punya subsidi. Banyak beb kerajaan kena tanggung tapi pasai lu orang semua member kamceng gua, gua kasi tahan jugak.
Tapi beb, lu jangan mare la, baru-baru ni entah hantu pelesit mana sudah rasok itu oil traders la beb. Satu kali dia orang kasi lambong baik punya tinggi la beb. Itu jam gua cakap lu, gua ada dalam jamban, bagoih punya teran, tibe-tibe Kak Jean lu ketuk pintu jamban cakap itu Najib mau cakap sama gua. Puh, potong stim la itu Najib, gua bagoih punya teran dia sudah kacau.
Gua pun keluar la, tak dan basuh beb, gua tanya Najib apa hal, aleh, aleh dia cakap harga minyak naik lebih seratus lu. Gua pening time tu jugak beb. Sumpah gua cakap lu, gua jatuh situ jugak, habis towel gua kena bekas itu barang.
Gua meeting la beb sama cabinet. Semua muka masam beb. Dia orang bagi pilih la. Kalau terus subsidi kena batal projek-projek mega gua. Kalau tak mau batal projek kena tarik subsidi. Lagi pening beb, gua cakap lu.
Gua duduk gua timbang la, rakyat ka projek ka. Kalau gua pilih projek rakyat sakit, kalau gua pilih rakyat, member-member gua pulak tak dapat projek beb.
Last-last gua panggil semua member-member gua yang akan untung kalau dapat projek tu, gua tanya sama diaorang la. Lu nak tau ka beb, satu pun tak cakap suruh berhenti projek. Diaorang semue cakap kasi terus itu projek.
Jadi lu orang jangan mare sama gua la, sebab gua sudah tanya expert-expert semua, semua cakap jalan projek. Diaorang cakap rakyat sporting punya, rakyat paham. Diaorang cakap rakyat sudah biasa hidup susah tapi diaorang tak pernah jadi tak adil sama diaorang la. Betol jugak la beb.
Lu orang sudah biasa susah, sudah biasa tak makan, memang tak dak Mercedes punya jadi kalau susah lebih sikit tentu lu orang tak kisah. Tapi member-member gua tu, mana pernah hidup susah beb? Diaorang banyak Mercedes dengan bini beb. kalau tak dapat projek siapa nak bayar hutang Mercedes tu beb. Siapa nak tanggung bini-bini diaorang beb. Lu sanggup ka kalau sebab lu punya pasal diaorang bercerai berai? Tentu lu tak sanggup, gua tau punya.
Gua cakap sama lu orang ha, ini jam gua kasi naik sikit tapi bila itu minyak turun punya time, gua sumpah sembelih ayam hitam, gua mesti kasi turun itu harga punya. Sumpah panah lintaq beb.
Tapi ha beb gua kasi naik ini, gua kasi sikit gule-gule sama lu orang la. Ala ada la sikit rebate gua kasi la. Nanti gua cakap la apa rebate mau kasi.
Oh satu lagi beb, itu TNB hari-hari kacau sama gua la mintak naik tariff. Dia cakap kalau tak kasi naik tariff dia mau charge gua punya elektrik. Fuh mana buleh beb. Gua PM, mana buleh diaorang charge? Malu la beb kalu PM kena bayaq so gua cakap sama diaorang naik la berapa banyak diaorang mau kasi naik tapi gua punya rumah gua mau free. Lu orang tak marah kan?
Saturday, 14 June 2008
No, Not Again.
He is a very soft spoken man, in his mid thirties, married with young kids and I dare say one of the closest friends I have in the school. He sits right opposite my table and we whenever we are free we would be talking away about life in general. He is indeed one of those people whom anyone would call a 'nice man'.
Recently he started getting pains in his left thigh. The niggling pain would come and go after a while. Then it started staying for longer periods of time. He has been to many clinics and was often diagnosed as having 'urat' problems. Deep heat lotions, massages and pain killers could not get the pain away.
I told him to get specialist opinion. He did just that and after a MRI, he was told that a disc in his spine had lost its elasticity. The doctor said that it could be this rigidity that is causing the disk to touch a nerve.
It seems that the doctor told him that this could happen if someone had experienced epidural. He told me that a few years back he had that procedure done on him when he had surgery to remove a growth in his colon, so, he thought that could be the reason.
Near the end of the recent holidays, I SMSed him that school is starting soon. Then I received a reply from him saying that he won't be able to make it to school because he was admitted for already 6 days then. He told me it was not because of the thigh pain or the bad disk but because he suddenly experienced dizziness and non stop vomiting.
He didn't tell me earlier. As school reopened I spoke to the PK Petang to get some teachers to help him mark his script since he was really unwell. We are a close knit unit and help was not difficult to come by.
Today at about 5 in the evening I received an sms from my PK Petang who visited him at the hospital. She told me that the doctors told him that he has cancer which has spread to the liver. When I asked what stage, she said that she did not have the courage to ask him.
I wanted to call him but was afraid that I could break down and that would not be good for him so I SMSed him and he told me that he had colon cancer and it has since spread to his liver. I was stunned when I read that it is at stage 4. Apparently he is experiencing a relapse of the old case.
Memories of what I had experienced with my late brother who suffered from identical ailment came flooding back and I could not hold back the tears. I could only tell him to not lose hope, be positive and that there still is hope.
I could still visualise how my brother deteriorated from a healthy and hefty man into a picture that pains me to even think. I can't take the strain of losing a loved one again so soon. He is very close to me. I pray that somehow he would overcome this because stranger things have happened.
Friday, 13 June 2008
Witch2: What? Jove's nuts dangles?
Witch3: Why don't you two shut up and focus. I don't like this. This is a forest but I don't think this is Scotland.
Witch1: You can say that again.
Witch2: Why do want her to say it again, I heard her loud and clear, didn't you?
Witch3: Oh Belzebub help me please, why do I have to suffer these two numb skulls?
Witch2: Shh, shhh, someone's coming. I smell fresh meat.
Witch1: You call that fresh? That guy's gotta be 80 and the Black Knight aint no spring chicken either.
Witch3: Would you two idiots just shut up or do you want me to do it for you?
Witch2: Ok, ok, you don't have to get cranky. Son of the devil, you sure got up on the wrong side of the bed.
Man1: Sam, what is that?
Man2: What? Where?
Man1: Those things on the tree.
Man2: Which tree? Hey don't scare me la. You know I've got a bad heart.
Man1: Hey I was the one with the 2 bypass. Look there, up that big tree .
Man2: Oh, my god, they look like witches la.
Man1: Of course they do coz they are witches.
Witch2: Are they looking at us? Are they talking about us? Hmm the Black Knight look kinda cute, how do I look?
Witch3: Get ready to jump on the count of three.
Witch2: On three of after three?
Witch3: Lord Satan, why, why, of all the thousands of witches, why do I have to land with this one. Why don't you just take me?
Witch1: Here they come, here they come, three.
Witch3: Where's number two? Oh never mind.
Man1: Sam, ask them who they are?
Man2: Why should I? You are the one who wants to know. I just want to get out of here.
Man1: Hey witches, aren't you the three witches in Macbeth?
Witch2: Hey we are even more popular than we thought.
Witch3: Yes we are, so what business is it of yours?
Witch2: Must you always be suspicious? Black Knight is a real looker if you know what I mean. Yes, we are and so how could we help you huh, handsome?
Man1: Can you tell us what's to become of us, minus the double talk please, we don't want to be fooled in 'deepest consequences' if you know what I mean.
Witch1: Oh, you read Shakespeare don't you. Hmm interesting.
Witch3: Shut up, now let me see. You, the White Knight, you would one day be King. er er it says here the highest power in the land, so that must be king right?
Man1: Nope, that's the Prime Minister.
Witch3: Okay, let me say it again, you will be Prime Minister.
Witch2: If you know what is good for you, leave the judges and a certain deputy alone, don't bail your children and cronies out with the people's money and don't spend the people's money to build empty buildings.
Witch1: Beware of the Sleepy One and his son in law.
Man1: Anymore prophecies?
Witch2: Uh, uh, nada.
Man2: How about me? Whats my future?
Witch2: Let me handle him. You would be the PM's loyal General but he's gonna dump you one day. Tell you what, you could always come with me and I'll take real good care of you. What do you say huh?
Man2: Tun, Tun, I don't like the look on that witch's face.
Man1: What do you mean I will be PM? I was already a PM until I retired 4 years ago. Do you mean I will be PM again?
Witch3: What? You were already PM? Hmm let me see. Ooops! sorry, that was Chapter 12. Hmm let me see Chapter 13, ah, here it is. It says, oh oh I don't think you would want to hear this.
Man2: What, what, what did Chapter 13 say?
Man1: Sam, she's talking about my future so please buzz off. Okay, I am ready to hear it. Give it to me, straight to the face.
Witch3: Ok, don't tell me I didn't warn you. You are going to die a lonely death. Your legacies dismantle one by one and your dogs are going to eat your bones, after all they are paid, what do you call it here in this country of yours, Balacis.
Man2: Ayo, Tun pity you la. Er, what about me?
Witch2: Pretty much the same, but my offer still stands.
Thursday, 12 June 2008
Menurut Ketua Polis Wilayah Persekuatan, polis menerima panggilan talipon daripada kakitangan Parlimen bahawa terdapat satu demonstrasi haram di perkarangan bangunan itu pada jam 12.30 tengahari tadi. Sekumpulan FRU telah dikerahkan untuk meleraikan demonstrasi itu.
Apabila mereka sampai, terdapat lebih kurang 50 penunjuk perasaan yang sedang menjerit-jerit 'Kerajaan Zalim'. Polis merampas beberapa kad manila yang bertulis, di antaranya, 'Kerajaan Cekik Darah', 'Kerajaan Kejam', 'Kami Tak Rela Makan Ubi Kayu', Kerajaan Tak Berhati Perut', dan banyak lagi.
Menurut seorang pengawal keselamatan yang menyaksikan tunjuk perasaan itu, 2 orang lelaki yang dipercayai ketua pada tunjuk perasaan itu, seorang Melayu dan seorang India, telah melarikan diri dengan sebuah kereta Porshe Carrera.
Pihak polis sedang cuba mengesan siapakah 2 orang dalang dalam tunjuk perasaan haram itu. Ketua Polis juga kelihatan membaca 2 banner berwarna yang pada nya ditulis 'Jangan Potong Elaun Keraian Kami' dan 'Kami Mahu Bercuti Di Paris Bukan Di Rangoon'.
Jurucakap bagi kerajaan Malaysia telah menyatakan bahawa Perdana Menteri bersimpati dengan penunjuk-penunjuk perasaan itu dan berjanji akan mengembalikan potongan 10% elaun keraian dan menarik balik larangan bercuti percuma di luar ASEAN.
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
Berikut adalah senarai terbaru elaun-elaun rahsia untuk Perdana Menteri, Timbalan Perdana Menteri , Menteri Cabinet dan Timbalan Menteri.
Maklumat ini dibekalkan oleh Awang.
Elaun Shampoo (Hamid Albar dapat separuh saja)
Elaun Gunting Rambut trim misai, cabut bulu ketiak dan bulu hidung)
Elaun garu perut, kaki dan pungkoq
Elaun Maki (sebab banyak kena maki oleh rakyat)
ELaun curut dan rokok
(elaun arak dibayar bawah kaunter)
Elaun konspirasi (untuk mereka yang rancang konspirasi untuk jatuhkan musuh. (Dimulakan pada selepas tahun 1996)
Elaun alat pengesan cctv (dimulakan selepas kes CSL)
Elaun menipu (untuk ganti dosa menipu rakyat- mesti tunjuk bukti tape atau video)
RM5,000 bagi setiap penipuan
RM3,000 bagi setiap penipuan
RM1,000 bagi setiap penipuan
RM800 bagi setiap penipuan
Elaun kurang tidur
Elaun perjalanan semasa cuti
Elaun queen control
Ini saja yang Awang dapat bekalkan tapi dia masih berusaha.
Tuesday, 10 June 2008
Apa ni? Perli ka?
Ni, orang tua oi, apa ni hang perli kat rakyat ka? Hang potong Elaun Keraian mangkok-mangkok sana tu banyak mana? Hang potong 10 peratus hang ingat kami seronok ka? Awat la hang. Hang tak paham langsung perasaan rakyat. Hang tak dengaq langsung keluhan depa. Hang buat tak peduli langsung.
Pak Lah, hang potong banyak tu tak cukup la. Hang ingat kami tak tau ka yang cabinet hang penuh dengan perasuah? Kami tau. Hang tok sah nak sembunyi banyak mana pun la. Buleh ka hang nak sembunyi Petronas Twin Tower belakang pungkok busuk mamak Koyakutty? Mana buleh, orang tentu buleh nampak punya.
Hang ingat kami tak tau ka yang kalau hang potong semua pun depa tak rasa apa? Tak terjejas pun gaya hidup depa dengan potong banyak tu. Depa dah cukup kaya.
Sebelum ni sumpah aku tak tau hang punya elaun keraian sampai 18 ribu lebih. Apa hampa main-main dengan kami ka? Lepaih tu hang nak potong seribu lapan ratus lebih hang mau kami seronok? Hang mau kami julang hang kata hang ni hero, kata hang ni berjiwa rakyat? Ada orang kata potong 50 peratus tapi aku kata potong semua.
Hang ingat kami tak tau, ka kalau potong semua pun hampa masih lagi buleh hidup senang lenang? Hang ingat kami tak tau yang kroni-kroni hampa yang buncit perut mencekik duit rakyat tu semua la yang selalu dok belanja apa saja yang hampa mau. Tak payah kerajaan nak bagi elaun tu.
Kalau kerajaan nak kena bagi elaun keraian, cabine,t dia tu mesti bersih, tak rasuah, baru depa ada hak terima elaun tu, tapi cabinet hang tak dak hak langsung untuk terima yang tu semua. Hang habag sat sapa dalam cabinet hang yang miskin? Habaq sat. Habaq sat sapa dalam cabinet hang yang tak dak Mercedes. Habaq sat sapa yang tak dak bungalow. Mana gamaknya depa dapat duit kumpoi harta banyak tu? Duit gaji saja ka?
Lagi satu yang buat aku bengang ialah tentang percutian yang ditanggung kerajaan. Awat hang ingat kalau depa bercuti di negara ASEAN negara tak kena bok keluaq duit ka? kami tau la menteri-menterii hang dengan anak bini depa. Bercuti di mana pun depa nanti guna duit yang sama banyak.
Pasai apa kerajaan mesti bayaq kat depa untuk pi makan angin? Oi tu duit kami la. Yang tu duit rakyat dan rakyat tak rela tengok menteri-menteri pi peghabih duit depa pada masa depa dok nak mampoih pasai kesempitan. Awat hang tak announce cancel terus semua percutian yang kerajaan kena bayaq?
Kami suruh hampa kerja di sana dan bayaq gaji tinggi kat hampa bukan untuk pi bercuti dengan duit kami. Bila keadaan dan bagoih pi la cuti, kami tak kisah, tapi buat masa lani, cancel teroih la. Awat la turr sangat dia ni?
Dalam masa susah macam ni, awat hang tak ban terus menteri-menteri bawak bini-bini depa yang cekek darah tu dari ikut laki-laki depa pi luaq negeri atas tugas resmi? Depa pi dok buat menyemak saja.
Hang ni kan, hang ada peluang untuk betoikan kemusnahan yang Mahathir buat tapi hang tak buat, malah hang pon buat sama. Lani hang ada peluang untuk tunjuk yang hang paham perasaan rakyat tapi hang tak buat, malah hang perli kami dengan tindakan hang ni. Hang tau dak yang hang dah perli kami?
Kesian kat budak-budak tu.
Suami: Hang bancoh kaw-kaw sikit no Ton.
Isteri: Dapat gaji haghi ni bang?
Suami: Hmm, dapat.
Isteri: Hai, macam tak ceria saja. Oghang dapat gaji seronok.
Suami: Oghang banyak duit seronok la, yang kita yang susah ni nak seronok apa?
Isteri: Bang malam ni kita bawak budak-budak tu pi makan kentucky?
Suami: Alah, abang pi beli roti canai bok balik sudah la.
Isteri: Apa abang ni, kesian kat budak-budak tu, nak dapat makan kentucky sebulan sekali pun susah. Ala, abang oi, jom la.
Suami: Ton oi, awat Ton ingat abang tak kesian kat depa ka? Abang pon sayang kat anak-anak Ton tapi tak buleh, nak buat macam mana? Ada Abang beli apa-apa kat diri abang? Tak dak Ton, semua kat Ton dengan budak-budak tu saja. Rokok pun abang dah lama berhenti.
Isteri: Bulan lepaih buleh? Awat bulan ni tak buleh pulak?
Suami: Bulan lepaih, minyak harga banyak mana, begahaih harga berapa, dagin sekilo beghapa, sewa beghapa? Ton tengok la, selalu abang kena belanja lebih kurang RM100 sebulan minyak motor lani dah naik RM140.
Isteri: Depa kata dapat rebate?
Suami: Bila yang nak dapat rebate tu? Depa bagi tiap-tiap bulan ka? Dak Ton oi, lepaih setahun baghu dapat. Jadi lani sampai time tu mana nak caghi yang lebih tu? Alah, depa bagi pun RM120 saja. Sebulan RM10 Ton.
Isteri: Oh bukan dapat tiap-tiap bulan ka. RM10 sebulan saja ka abang?
Suami: Lagi, dulu beghaih RM10 sekampit, lani RM15 sekampit. Budak-budak tu dok besaq, kuat makan, kita guna sampai 2 kampit lebih. Untuk begahih saja nak kena tambah beghapa belaih ringgit entah. Kalau naik lagi?. Dulu duit market buleh lagi RM15 sehari lani mana buleh dah semua naik harga. Minyak dah naik harga barang-barang lain pun nak naik lagi. Paling kurang pun abang kena tambah RM5 sehari untuk duit market, yang tu dah jadi RM150 sebulan.
Isteri: Awat lagu ni ya bang? Mampoih la kita oghang susah ni?
Suami: Tu bas sekolah untuk depa 3 oghang tu dah naik soghang RM10 dah RM30 dah. Dengaq kata Pak Hassan nak penaik sewa. Dia nak penaik RM50 sebulan. Tak salah dia jugak la, dia pun nak makan jugak.
Isteri: Macam tu kalu, kita kena ubah cagha hidup kita la abang, macam menteghi tu kata.
Suami: Ni la aku nak menyumpah ni, nak ubah macam mana lagi? Gaji dok banyak tu jugak. Kalau sakit kita tak pernah pi klinik luaq, kita selalu pi klinik kerajaan. Mana ada kita pi tengok wayang? Kot la setahun sekali kot. Kita beli vcd saja. Yang tu pun yang cetak rompak RM5 satu. Bukannya kita beli banyak, 2 vcd sebulan. Awat yang tu pun tok sah beli ka?
Isteri: Ya la jugak no abang. Nak ubah macam mana lagi. Bukannya kita dok pi makan angin selalu. Bukannya kita ada Astro pun di rumah? Kalau tak guna talipon susah nak kontek abang. Takkan nak bagi kat budak tu RM1 sehari pi sekolah? Seringgit buleh beli apa? Lani bagi RM2 pun depa dok kata tak cukup.
Suami: Awat depa nak sughuh kita makan sekali sehari saja? Abang buleh buat macam tu, tapi budak-budak tu macam mana? Depa dok besaq. Menteghi buleh cakap la, gaji depa banyak mana? Naik harga banyak mana pun depa makan macam tu jugak.
Isteri: Kot kot maksud depa tu sughuh kita masuk UMNO kot? Tengok Leman, Wan, Salim dengan Sood tu, selalu tukaq kegheta. Rumah depa besaq. Tu semua pasai depa masuk UMNO la. Ala, abang masuk la UMNO.
Suami: Memang la depa rumah besaq, kegheta tukaq selalu, pasai depa dok jadi pecacai angkat teloq ketua bahagian. Dapat tender bagi kat Cina. Cina untung banyak depa dapat sikit dok menunjuk merata. Awat hang tak tengok ka, Awang, Daud, Kassim, Derus, Selamat, Lah dengan banyak yang lain, depa pun oghang UMNO jugak, tak kaya pun? Hang kena pandai jilat pungkoq oghang besaq baghu buleh kaya la Timah. Dah la tu, kena sanggup juai bangsa sendiri baghu buleh kaya kalau masuk UMNO.
Isteri: Tu kita lani macam mana abang oi, dah semua dok naik harga, gaji banyak tu jugak, macam mana ni bang. Kalau Pak Hassan tu penaik sewa macam mana abang? Macam mana nak hidup macam ni bang. Ton pun macam abang jugak, kesian kat budak-budak tu.
Sunday, 8 June 2008
This is fresh from the oven, so steaming hot that you wouldn't need a sauna for the rest of your life. Its like this, if Zorro has his Hantu, that spying owl, well you can say I have my Toyol, whom I affectionately call Awang. No, Awang is not related to a certain tempe eating ex Menteri Besar with a penchant for destroying official documents.
Nope, this is not a joke because I am never known to be a joker as claimed by one writer that Malaysians are basically jokers.
It is estimated that by January the unsubsidised price for petrol would be about RM4.00 per litre and the pump price would be RM7.00. Yes, an RM3.00 levy per litre. Would you believe that? I was spinning with confusion when I heard Awang told me this and I had no reasons to disbelieve him because all this while he had never lied. Remember when I broke the news that when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon he saw Mugabe, Mahathir, Ananda and Golda Meir there? It was Awang who got me that scoop.
Anyway, I asked Awang why the hell would the government want to do that? I mean that would be political suicide and not to mention utmost stupidity. Not that I hold any of them or the previous one also, in high esteem, but hey even Samy Velu knows that that is a stupid thing to do.
It seems that the increase is a well planned job by the people up there. You see, later they will announce that as of 01/01/09, one does not need an AP anymore to import a car, but with petrol prices being what they are in 2009, who would want to import cars anymore?
Some of them are already busy buying up scrapyards for the impending booming business of towing away unused vehicles parked by the roadside, but this is not actually the coup de grace, no, not by a longshot.
Some of the cronies have already leased hundreds of thousands of palm oil estates to be used for, get ready for this, no, not bio fuel, horse and donkey farming. They would park millions of horses and donkeys in these estates. Yes, no need to feed and they get to milk the oil from the trees and trade the animals as modern means of transportation.
It seems that Scomi has ditched its plans in manufacturing train coaches for the more lucrative horse carriage business, envisioned to be the only mean of transportation post 2011. Now to ensure a monopoly, horse carriage manufacturing would be considered a strategic industry and one needs a licence to set up a plant. It is said that only one licence would be issued and we all know who is going to get it.
No, that is not all. Remember about the AP that I mentioned? Yes, you don't need an AP to import a car but you need an AP to import horses and donkeys and the issuing of APs would be handled by ECM Libra. It is estimated that the country would need millions of horses and donkeys and also carriages. Since it takes time for a kid to mature into a full transportation beast of burden, there would be a need to import these animals from overseas and this is where they would make the big, no, make it mega bucks.
As for heavy transportations, Awang told me that Samy and gang would be given the APs to import APs from India, Africa and Thailand. It seems that Thaksin is also in it. I won't be surprise if KJ would ditch United for City after this.
Now is that news or is that news? Remember you read it here first. Chow, will bring more infos as and when Awang delivers them.
Saturday, 7 June 2008
This drama has been going on for so long that the script has become stale, as stale as last week's ubi kayu rebus left uncovered on the dinning table. Its like a father threatening to kill his own beloved son if he refuses to brush his teeth before 12 noon everyday.
Look, the day the PM announced the rise in fuel prices we already know what are the follow-up communications from them going to be. The above is one. Then you will have one minister saying, taxi operators risk having their licence taken away if they increase prices. Then, we will get, something like, enforcement officers would be deployed throughout the country to check on errant traders.
I am waiting for something new, something that would win the rakyat's heart, something heroic like, 'Tourism Minister threatens to demolish hotels that raise room rates', or, Transport operators would be sent to the gallows and their vehicles would be sunk near Pulau Batu Puteh if caught taking advantage of the recent increase in fuel prices, or even maybe 'Home Minister authorises the lynching of traders who raise prices of essentials.
All these warnings is a load of bullshit. Okay let me tell you something. I have a brother who lives in Johor and travels often to Penang by bus. When I asked him what the fare is like, he told me that it depends. I was shocked. What does he mean by, it depends? He said that on normal days its about 48 to 50. On weekends its 60 and during festive seasons it could go up to 100.
Hey from what I know, a bus guzzles as much petrol on Monday as it does on Sunday or Hari Raya so why the difference. So how come? He knows it, now I know it, all the people who frequently travel between Johore and Penang know it, illegal immigrants from Myanmar, Bangladesh, Nepal and Tibet know it, I bet even Sufiah, that famous hooker, whom UMNO wanted so badly to help, know it, so don't the relevant ministry people know it too? Don't the JPJ people know it? Don't the police know it, don't the politicians know it?
How come this be a well contained secret that the authorities do not know it? Yes, you are right, the relevant authorities do know it, but why is it that its still going on? Why no actions taken? Are our enforcement people that impotent that they are incapable of acting? Is there a dysfunction in their erecting of the law mechanism? Do they need Viagra?
The answer is plain and simple as I had mentioned in one of my much earlier postings, most, if not all, of these companies have BN and especially UMNO bigwigs as their shareholders. So do you think they are serious about making artificial reefs of vehicles belonging to these errant companies? Even JPJ peole and the police bigshots have shares so do you think any action would be taken?
I tell you what is going to happen. They would continue with all these empty threats but close an eye to the abuse that would definitely not cease. Then they would come out with a statement that the government has approved an increase in bus fares and what other fares because it is aware that these companies can't cope with the rising fuel costs.
Then RTM, TV3 and all government prostitutes would come out with news to support this. Then we will get a clip of the Transport minister issuing a very stern warning, so stern that his dentures almost fly off, to these companies to adhere to the new pricing.
The next day maybe we will get a statement from the association of all these transport companies thanking the government but also complaining that the increase is still not enough but being the patriotic corporate citizen that they are they would absorb the extra costs and in the meantime a ticket to Johore for the Chinese New Year season would be 1about 140 to 150.
And they all live happily ever after.
Friday, 6 June 2008
Pikiaq la baik-baik Ajit oi, Ajit tu dah tua.
Awat kalau dah tua tak buleh buat kerja?
Memang la buleh tapi pelan-pelan la, buat la sikit-sikit.
Kalau pelan-pelan dan sikit-sikit bila nak habih?
Memang susah la cakap dengan Ajit ni. Semua dia jugak betoi.
Ha, dah memang aku betoi pun.
Lebih kurang macam tu la bunyi perbualan atau pun perbezaan pendapat kami. Aku memang selalu macam tu, mana mau kalah bertekak dengan bini aku tapi memang aku betoi pun. Kerja ni mesti di buat dengan cepat supaya hasil dia dapat cepat. Kalau dok laih semacam, jawabnya tak kemana la.
Bukan apa, duit adalah sikit yang dok simpan selama 30 puluh tahun lebih bekerja. Hajat di hati bila pencen nanti nak beli motor besaq. Kurang-kurang pun yang 600 cc punya. Nak beli pulak kasut boot tinggi dan jaket kulit siap dengan sarung tangan kulit.
Lebih kurang setahun sebelum pencen aku tak mau guntin rambut dah. Memang la dok botak tapi yang tu kot atas saja. Yang tepi dan belakang tu masih lebat lagi. Jadi dengan rambut panjang, jaket kulit dengan Chopper besaq aku nak pi berjalan merata la. Dak, bukan nak bawak awek atau aci, bawak Mak Andeh aku sendiri la, sapa lagi. Dia memang la tak mau, malu dia kata.
Nak pendekkan cerita, tak jadi la aku nak bergaya dengan motor besaq tu pasai baru saja beli tanah. Lepaih tu beli kayu buat bangsal. Tu yang dok berpeluh tu, dok buat bangsal dengan dok pacak pagaq di kelilin tanah aku tu.
Mahai betoi barang-barang lani, beli gaji, beli kayu, beli paku dan beberapa alat lagi pun dah beribu belanja. Tak sangka betoi.
Sebenaqnya tanah aku beli tu tak lah besaq sangat, lebih kurang 2 ekar saja. Satu ekar untuk kuda aku exercise dan satu ekar lagi untuk tanam ubi kayu.
Terpaksa la aku buat macam tu. Aku beli kuda pencen yang makan rumput saja la. Tak buleh la beli kuda yang makan pizza dengan pasta, mampoih la aku. Lepaih tu aku buat kereta kuda satu. Tak la besaq sangat, cukup untuk naik dua tiga orang. Kalau besaq sangat mana kuda tu nak larat bawak. Aku guna tayar motor buruk dengan papan saja untuk buat kereta kuda tu.
Yang satu ekar lagi tu, aku nak start tanam ubi kayu minggu depan. Aku dapat baka yang baik punya daripada kawan aku. Dia kata lepaih sebulan buleh dapat hasil. Hasil dia pulak, kawan aku kata memang banyak.
Aku bahagi la tanah tu kepada 30 petak. Satu petak untuk satu hari punya bekalan ubi kayu. Jadi daripada bulan depan buleh la aku sambut seruan ISIS untuk ubah gaya hidup aku. Kami semua dah nekad nak makan ubi kayu. Tak mampu nak beli beras dah. Dulu mampu lagi, tapi dengan harga minyak yang baru naik tu mana nak mampu, jadi makan ubi kayu saja la kami.
Bini aku pun lani sibuk dok surf internet cari resepi-resepi untuk masak ubi kayu. Takkan nak makan ubi kayu reboih dengan nyoq campoq garam dan gula hari hari kan? Kena tukaq la sama. Kot-kot buleh buat pizza ubi kayu beritikan ubi kemili ka, roast tapioca ka, tapioca bolognaise ka, tapioca lasagna ka, apa-apa pun la.
Yang kuda tu untuk aku pi kerja hari-hari. Tak payah guna kereta ka, motor ka. Guna kereta kuda jimat. Bagi rumput kat dia cukup. Rumput lalang buleh cari merata. Di Seberang Perai banyak tanah bekas sawah padi yang terbiaq tumbuh lalang. Takdak sapa pun peduli.
Lani tengah dok pikiaq macam mana nak jimat letrik dengan ayaq. Nak juai tv sayang pulak dan aku pun suka tengok bola di Astro. Takkan nak pi rumah orang selalu nak tengok bola kan? Lagi pun bini aku kalau takdak drama hindustan dengan Indonesia tu dia tak buleh hidup jadi kena ada tv jugak la.
Aircond tu memang tak pakai dah la. Kalau malam hangat aku tidoq di balkoni saja la. Kipas pun aku dah buang regulator dia jadi sapa pun tak buleh pakai. Water-heater aku tu aku dah juai second hand kat orang.
Rasa-rasa minum nescafe dengan air paip tak masak pun tak pa kot no? Tak payah la guna gas. Untuk masak ubi kayu tu guna kulit ubi kayu dengan batang ubi kayu tu buat bahan api pun buleh jugak.
Nak buat macam mana, kena susah la sikit. Kena ubah gaya hidup la katakan. Kita ni kan rakyat Malaysia yang baik, kena la sambut seruan kerajaan untuk UBAH GAYA HIDUP.
Can You Do This?
1. All government ministers must pay for their own fuel. Their children, wives and mistresses must also pay for fuel themselves. They must never accept anyone giving them treats of free petrol.
2. All government functions must not include meals for the invited dignitaries. At most only teh-o or kopi-o or mineral water. All ministers must eat either at home or at stalls. No minister or high officials are to eat at hotels or posh restaurants. Ministers must eat ubi kayu at least one day in a week.
3. The above people can never accept any invitations for meals, be it breakfast, lunch, high tea or dinner. In short, no belanja.
4. No gifts is to be given to any government officials and ministers.
5. There should not be any all expenses paid trips for holidays for any ministers, serving or retired.
6. No spouse is allowed to go for any official overseas trip and official overseas trip should be limited to only once in 3 months.
7. All government advisors do so for free. They could be given phone and broadband allowance.
8. The government promises to credit the savings they claim they would make when they raise fuel prices into a joint account under the name of the PM and the Opposition Whip. Only the parliament with a 2/3 support could approve any spending of this fund.
9. All government ministers and high officials must send their children to local government aided schools. If there are any studying overseas, they must be called back home immediately.
10. Government high officials and ministers must only drive Malaysian made cars. No Mercedeses, BMWs Ferraris and the likes. Not only are they banned from driving imported luxury cars, they and their spouses and children cannot own any.
11. Oh I forgot, all government ministers, MPs, ADUNs, Commission chairmen (like SPR etc) Ketua Pengarahs must declare the assets to the people, not to some idiot who would file the stuffs and let those files collect dusts. These declarations must be made public. This also over their spouses, children, parents and siblings. Lawmakers and state reps from opposition controlled states are also not exempted.
These are only some of my demands and I know some are doable and some are damn downright stupid but it makes me happy if they can do it. I also know they will not agree to even one so it looks like the war is not over. I will continue to make noise because I know in the not too distant future, I am doing to get hurt real bad with paying extra for fuel, food, electricity and the inevitable price increase of most other things and services. Am I wrong to make noise? Am I wrong to say out loud that I am not happy? Am I wrong to be skeptical of this regime?
Thursday, 5 June 2008
The Day I Experienced History
The day the Japs surrendered was another historical day in the country's history and I wonder how the people rejoiced to be rid of the heartless monsters who forced them to eat ubi kayu till their stomach bloated. Hem, hem, ISIS, take note, ubi kayu - bloated stomach - people angry?
How I would love to be around during those two days and rejoice with the people, oh how I truly do wish but you can't get everything that you want can you? I mean to the ordinary people that is.
Talking about being around when history was made, how I wished I was around when the first influx of people came to the peninsular many tens of thousands of years ago. It would surely be nice to look at how your ancestors look like. Do they have Chinese features or features similar to the Khmer Rouge people? At least I would have been able to brag that I was there and shut the mouth of those anthropologists or whatever logists because I was there.
How I wished I was around when they were talking of independence and discussing about citizenship. I could at least have told those people that I have no qualms about accepting Chinese and Indians as citizens but they should shut the door out completely to Keralans. These people or at least one clan from this land is real bad news man. If I had been there and was able to say what I had wanted to say then I think we wouldn't be in this stinking mess that we are in now.
How I wished I was around when they invented the alphabet. Really I would give anything to be there when they invented the alphabets. I would impress upon those people to completely outlaw the letters 'O' 'N' 'U' and 'M'. I don't know but these letters, to me, come from hell and no one should have any association with them. These hellish alphabets and 'Kerala' together spell doom.
I have often 'doa' at the end of every solat that The Almighty take pity on me and let me experience at least one historical event, anything, big or small, as long as it is historical.
What do you know, The Almighty has granted my fervent wish to experience history. He gives me today, Thursday 5th June 2008. This is indeed a historical day of epic proportion. It easily beats the assassination of James Birch and the surrender of the Jabs. Today for the first time in history, a government made its intention known and has taken steps to make it a reality. It intends to make its people suffer a slow death and it shows that it is capable of doing it.
It is laughing and rolling with orgasmic pleasure as it sees its people writhe and twist and grimace at the pain of having to bear a fucking RM0.78 raise in the price of petrol. It has taken its revenge on the people for deserting it.
Sejak dari dulu lagi memang banyak kes rogol yang tak dapat diselesaikan sebab yang jadi perogol ni mempunyai suatu kuasa sihir yang tak dapat dilawan. Panggillah berapa banyak bomoh pun tapi perbuatan mereka ini tetap menjadi-jadi.
Ramai yang jadi mangsa, samada yang pakai baju puteh yang nipis atau pun yang bertudung. Si perogol-perogol ni tak kisah, asalkan anak dara dia sebat. Kadang-kadang orang kampung dan juga orang-orang yang duduk di taman-taman akan adakan rondaan pada waktu malam tapi masih lagi berlaku perbuatan terkeji ini.
Perpatah ada berkata, di mana ada kemahuan disitu ada jalan, jadi akhirnya pihak berwajib benar-benar menunjukkan yang mereka ada kemahuan untuk melawan gejala ini.
Sebenarnya aku ada dengar yang ini berlaku sebab ada di kalangan pihak berwajib yang telah jadi mangsa. Ya, ada anak menteri yang dirogol tapi biasalah akhbar tak akan menyiarkan berita ini untuk nak jaga air muka menteri itu.
Entah la betul atau tidak tapi mengikut apa yang aku dengar menteri ni bengong seketika sampai terpaksa dapatkan rawatan pakar sakit jiwa. Kejadian itu sangat-sangat mengejutkan dia.
Dia sangka rumahnya kebal sebab segala langkah keselamatan telah dia ambil. Bukan setakat pintu-pintu yang kuat, dia juga ada memasang alarm-alarn yang canggih dan juga menggunakan khidmat pasukan kawalan keselamatan. Satu perkara yang dia tak sedar ialah semua ini tak dapat melawan kuasa sihir dan ghaib.
Ceritanya ialah, menteri ini mengamuk semasa mesyuarat kabinet dan mintak kerajaan mengambil segala langkah yang ada, tak kira berapa kosnya, untuk menangkap si porogol itu tapi tak diendahkan oleh rakan-rakannya dalam kabinet, malahan dia diperli oleh rakan-rakannya. Ada yang kata padan muka dia sebab perangai dia sendiri pun tak ubah macam perogol tu.
Khabarnya lagi, seminggu selepas mesyuarat kabinet itu, rumah seorang lagi menteri kabinet diceroboh dan dua anak daranya dirogol. Ini menyebabkan panik di kalangan menteri-menteri kabinet. Mereka ramai-ramai mengugut akan letak jawatan dan akan menyertai kekumpulan pembangkang sekiranya kabinet tak setuju melakukan sesuatu untuk menyelesaikan kerisauan mereka.
Cabinet mengarahkan ISIS untuk mencari jalan untuk menyelesaikan masalah ini. Mereka akhirnya mendapat idea untuk melawan kuasa sihir ini dengan pendekatan mencari punca kekuatan sihir ini. Selepas mendapat pendapat daripada pakar-pakar ilmu sihir mereka akhirnya mendapat tahu bahawa perogol-perogol ini mendapat kuasa mereka dari suatu sumber bawah tanah atau jauh di dasar laut.
Jadi pembaca semua jangan lah kita marah dengan kerajaan sekiranya mereka melakukan sesuatu yang pada pandangan kita akan menyusahkan kita. Sebenarnya langkah ini diambil untuk menjaga keselamatan kita semua terutama sekali anak-anak dara kita dari ancaman Orang Minyak. Hanya dengan menaikkan harga minyak saja dapat mereka selesaikan masalah ini. Bila minyak dah terlalu mahal, orang-orang minyak ini tentu tak mampu sebab mereka tak dapat rebate.
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Rising Fuel Cost, Fuels Rising Temperatures
Okay, okay back to the price increase. We know we have it coming. With the price of crude being what it is now, there simply is no way they are going to let us off the hook so like a virgin doing it for the very first time I am going to ask them to be gentle with me.
Before I go on, I would like to warn those idiots up there one thing. Don't any one, absolutely no one, tell us to change our lifestyles. Got it? What, do you think we are stupid? Yes, we are going to make a lot of noise, that's what you will get for being the government but while shouting and screaming and kicking we will adjust our lifestyle to the new situation. Yes, the word is adjust not change. I hate bloody bastards asking me me to change my lifestyle especially when those bloody bastards are not going to change theirs.
Yes, some of them would still be chomping on RM500 cigars. I tell you a secret. They don't even know how to differentiate the taste of a Havana cigar from a 20 sen curut. They do it because it is bloody expensive and they could afford it. While they are at it they get themselves drunk and start fondling and groping at waitresses arse and nobody can do anything about it.
Yes, some of their wives would still be shopping at Harrods and cart home tons of baggage courtesy of the Malaysian government while a dumb Foreign Minister would swear on his mother's grave that no such thing has ever happened. I am sure some of the trunks they took home from 2 or 3 years back are still not opened yet.
Okay back to the price increase. I heard that motorbikes and small vehicles would be given postal orders. How much postal order would a petrol station keep I don't know. What denominations I don't know. Does that now mean that we fill in litres and no more in ringgit? How the fuck (sorry, I just want to use the word) would the gomen know that transaction no 15 from Petrol station A in Penang was done on a Kancil as claimed by the owner of the station. For what you know, it could be a Mercedes. So if you have friends who own petrol stations then you get cheaper fuel?
I see they are opening the doors to more abuse, that's all. Then how do we go about it? Hell what do ask me for? I am not the government. I didn't stand in no election and cheated and win. Its the government's job and they better do a good job at it because I am surely going to get fucking mad if I see a Mercedes gets to fill fuel at a cheaper price than me.
Yes, some wise guy reading this just uttered, "Hey cry baby! report this to the authorities". And you know what I am going to say to that wise guy? I am going to say " Hey fuckface, do you think it will make any difference"? Hey I know of Mercedes driving bastards tearing their traffic summonses and lifting their phones, like a hotline, to the nearest police HQ and got those summonses cancelled. Hey this is Malaysia, these things happen, everyday, except Sundays and Hari Rayas maybe. Would you guarantee me the children, wives, mistresses and friends of VIPs and Ministers would be hauled up if you were to make a report? Fuck, this is Malaysia man. It may happen in other countries but what do I care, I live here in Malaysia.
Actually I have some more to say but I think I better stop here before I use more expletives because I am in the mood but remember, don't any fucking Minister ever dare to ask us to change our lifestyles.
I think I have just the solution to Rais Yatim's idea of developing the Middle Rock. We reserve it for any fucking Minister who dares ask us to change our lifestyle. Just build a few barracks and some latrines and leave those bastards there. Oh, yes, this is not reserved to Ministers only, people from ISIS are not exempted.
Just read this in Malaysiakini.
Harga petrol naik sebanyak 78 sen - satu pertambahan besar dari RM1.92 sekarang kepada RM2.70. Demikian diumumkan oleh Perdana Menteri, Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi petang ini.
Kenaikan harga sebanyak 41 peratus itu akan berkuatkuasa mulai tengah malam ini.
Kenaikan harga itu adalah sebahagian daripada langkah kerajaan untuk mengawal subsidi bagi menampung kenaikan petrol, diesel dan gas, yang dijangka berjumlah RM56 bilion tahun ini.
Kerajaan juga mengumumkan pemberian rebet kepada pengguna kenderaan.
Mengikut skim tersebut tersebut, kenderaan di bawah 2000cc akan menerima RM625 setahun - rebat bagi 800 liter di bawah harga baru.
Pemilik motosikal pula akan diberi rebet RM120. Bayaran akan dibuat melalui wang pos.
Difahamkan rebet teresbut akan dibayar apabila pemilik kenderaan memperbaharui cukai jalan kenderaan mereka.
Kerajaan dijangka menjimatkan RM4 bilion di bawah penstrukturan semula skim subsidi tersebut.
Jika harga petrol dijual mengikut harga penuh pasaran, ia boleh mencecah setinggi hampir RM4 seliter - naik 100 peratus.
Bagaimanapun, kerajaan dijangka menuju ke arah memansuhkan terus pemberian subsidi pada masa depan.
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- SAIFUL BAHARI AZLAN 2
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- Here We Go Again
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- Usul Naik Harga
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- Do The Right Thing
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- The Day I Experienced History
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