Tuesday 30 March 2010

Don't look up.

Chief: Alright people, take your seats and lets get down to serious business. Dei! Kunjimaran, stop eating that tosai and go wash your hands now.

Kunji: Ayo, tuan sikit lagi saja la tuan.

Chief: Wash your hands now.

Kunji: Mau makan pun tak bole. Citt.

Chief: Alright people, the PM wants an immediate report about the incident with the minister yesterday. He wants to know if there was a security breach. Why did the minister suddenly started frothing and foaming and writhing on the floor of that lift.

Man1: Sir, we have reviewed the cctv footage of the incident over and over again but we have no clue whatsoever. If all could focus on the screen, there were only 3 people in the lift: the minister and his 2 bodyguards. See here, none of the bodyguards ever made any contact with him so it's impossible for them to inject anything. According to the chief of security both the guards are good people.

Kunji: Maybe the minister gila babi or what?

Man1: You shut up la kunji.

Man2: Yes, la, I was also in the viewing room last night. I think I must have played the footage a hundred times but there is just no sign.

Chief: Okay let's backtrack. Where did the minister come from?

Man4: He came straight from his house and did not stop anywhere for any food or what.

Man5: The driver dropped him at the front door of the ministry where a brief welcoming ceremony was held.

Kunji: Brief welcoming ceremony? Why?

Chief: You really bodoh la Kunji. He is a new minister what, so surely got welcoming ceremony la.

Kunji: But he sudah lama jadi minister what...... oh, oh, I see, he resign and now after he wins he sudah jadi manteri lagi satu kali la. Maybe at the ceremony got people do something to him?

Man6: No we have reviewed the cctv footage at the main entrance and we saw nothing suspicious.

Man7: Then proceeded straight to the lift.

Chief: Play the lift footage again. Haaaa! hahahahaha, I got it, I got it. This is not a sabotage, no sabotage, phew, what a relief, my job is safe.

Kunji: Apa macam you tau?

Chief: Look carefully. He walks into the lift, fidgets, looks left and right, smiles at his bodyguards and and stop! Freeze that frame. There, that's the answer.

Kunji: Apa? Where got answer? He was looking up what.

Chief: That's why la you are only an office boy. What is he looking at? Come on people.

Man3: Yes when looking up, he suddenly realises that there is a cctv camera.

Sunday 28 March 2010

Tale of the Golden Leap.

Teacher: Dennis! What book did you read during the holidays?

Dennis: I read a fairy tale from the East teacher.

Teacher: What a fairy tale from the East?

Dennis: Yes, teacher.

Teacher: Good Dennis. Class this is what I want. I want my students to read books from other parts of the world. You should not confine yourselves to books from the west only.

Dennis: Is the book good Dennis?

Teacher: Oh, it's very good teacher. I love it, in fact, when I grow up I want to be like the characters in the book.

Dennis: It must be a very good book indeed that got you wanting to emulate the characters. What's the title of the book Dennis? If it was really that good maybe we could get the library to buy some.

Dennis: Tale of The Golden Leap.

Teacher: Hmm, sounds interesting. Why do you like the book Dennis?

Dennis: It teaches readers the fastest way to be successful and rich?

Teacher: It does? Why, that's amazing, maybe I should read it myself. Can you tell us how to do it?

Dennis: Easy teacher. Be a frog and leap. That's what they did in Malaysia and they all became very-very rich.

Wednesday 24 March 2010

It's raining cats and dogs.

BigCat: This is cat country, but look, look all around you, see how dogs are getting everything.

Cat1: Yes, you are rght, sometimes it's even difficult to get fish. We must not allow dogs to take everything. We must stop them.

Cat2: Yes, we must stop the dogs. We must let them know that this is our country.

BigCat: Look there is a dog there, let's stop him. Let's see if he can answer our questions. Hey dog, come here.

Cat3: You know this is our country right?

Dog: I thought this is my country too.

Cat3: Who says this is your country, this is ours and only ours.

Dog: I have the papers to prove that this is my country too.

Cat2: Aaaah, those papers mean nothing. Typical of you dogs, you come to our country and take everything. We are left with nothing. We have to scrounge rubbish bins while you wine and dine.

Dog: That's not true, there are many dogs living a life just like yours and they don't get handouts like you. You are lucky, just because you are a cat, you get more than us dogs. We on the other hand, have to work our butts out.

Cat1: That's because this is our country. All riches in this country should go to us first and then only to you.

Dog: But we too work very hard to make this country rich, do you think it's fair that we get nothing?

Cat2: What do you mean you get nothing? Look at your kind, you have everything.

Dog: Why do you think that is so? We work hard, we don't ask for handouts. Anyway who says you get nothing? Do you think BigCat eat out of the rubbish bin?

BigCat: What are you trying to prove?

Dog: What is your occupation sir? From what I know, you don't earn enough to live the life you are living.

Cat2: What are you getting at?

Dog: Come on fellas, don't you think that it's common knowledge that all you top leaders are not actually scrounging for a living? Everyone knows that it's the common members that are hard up. You and your advisors are not actually poor.

BigCat: It's because we work hard.

Dog: Bullshit. It's because all your riches are given to you, you don't have to work. All the riches for cats are not distributed rairy. Only you big cats get the loot while the rests are given nothing. We know that there are dogs behind most of you supposedly succesful cats. Who are there behind us ordinary dogs?

BigCat: Shut up you scoundrel.

Dog: Don't you think we know there are really huge dogs behind you? You think we don't know that you actually want to be a very big shot in the ruling committee but because of the disease that you have they could only offer you a small position, too small for you to get to the top, so, you instigate ordinary small cats and with their support the committee will have no alternative but to offer you a post near the top. Who is going to benefit most from it if not a few invisible big dogs?

Cat3: What nonsense is this. What disease are you talking about.

Dog: Have you ever watched him sleep?

Cat3: No. Why?

Dog: Dogs, cats, cows snores but he goes ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.

Sunday 21 March 2010

The Neighbours

Wife: Honey, honey, come here, faster la.

Husband: Stop being a busy body la .

Wife: No la, come and look, something strange is happening la.

Husband: To you, everything is strange.

Wife: This time it is really strange la.

Husband: What? Who?

Wife: Look at that, isn't that Zack?

Husband: Yes, so?

Wife: Look carefully la, isn't he in Usmanov's house?

Husband: You crazy ka? You think Mr. Pakri would allow him to go there ka?

Wife: That's why I say it's strange. What has happened? Abang, you go there la, try to korek what happened?

Husband: What you think I Lingam ka, want to korek korek all.

Wife: Ala, don't joke la, go la. Pretend la you want to borrow something, go la.

Husband: Okay la. If I don't do it, you would be bugging me the whole day. Where's my underwear, sarong and singlet?

Wife: Aya not so loud la.

Husband: Er, Mr. Usmanov, Mr. Usmanov.

Usmanov: Oh, Mr. Kaypo. Hold on a minute, I'll open the gate.

Husband: Sorry la to disturb you early in the morning like this but I wonder if I could borrow yesterday's Star?

Usmanov: Yesterday's? I have today's if you want, why read yesterday's?

Husband: No la, my son called and asked me to read a certain article. He said it concerns my company. I know you read The Star so could I borrow it? I'll return it later.

Usmanov: No problem. Honey, could you find yesterday's Star please, mr. kaypo wants to borrow it. Er, why don't you come in and have a drink or something.

Husband: Never mind la, here also can la. Errr, isn't that Zack at the back there?

Usmanov: Yes.

Husband: Why, you and Pakri are friends already ka now? I mean everyone in the neighbourhood knows that you both don't see eye to eye.

Usmanov: What? Friends with Pakri? You mad ka? Zack came here on his own. I saw him at my gate one rainy night. he was alone so I took him in.

Husband: Waa, you very good la Usmanov. Is he okay? He doesn't kacau you or what? I mean I heard from you last time that he was a trouble maker.

Usmanov: Maybe at the Pakri's he is like that la but here he is okay, very well behaved and very obedient. Hold on, Zack, Zack come here. Sit, sit Zack. Aaaaah, good dog. He barks very loud too.

Friday 12 March 2010

Hey Zul!

Hello Zul. Waa! long time no see la. Do you remember during the last elections? Yes, the 8th of March 2008. Yes, that one. You remember one day in the run up to the elections I got a comment from you or one of your people but it was signed by you begging me to canvass for votes for you? You know what I did? You don't? I did canvass for you. Why you asked? Because you stood under the PKR banner and therefore represented PR.

Well, Zul, what is this I heard that you were sacked from PKR. I heard you were quite unbecoming. Did you really say that you wanted a disciplinary committee of Muslims only? What? You did?

Waa terror la you Zul. Hmm, please hold on while I go back to your comments in my blog. Hmm, not here, not here, not here, aahhhh!!!! Here it is. Hmm let me see. Hey Zul, something is wrong la here. Yes, there is something wrong. You did not ask me to canvass for votes from Muslims only la.

What? You forgot? I'm sure you must have forgotten, what with the campaigns here and campaigns there and the many sleepless nights and taking care of your all Muslim workers and ...., What? Come again. What? You had non Muslims working for you? Oh! That's awkward.

Oh, I see, you were making use of them right? Waaaaa, clever la you. But Zul, do you think you have done the rght thing? Don't you think Islam frown on that kind of thing? What? You know better? Oh, ok,

What? You did not ask them to vote for you? What is that you just said? Why they all so gatal want to vote for you? Yes, la Zul. You got a point there la. Why they all so gatal to vote for you.
I think ah Zul, they all voted for you because you stood under the PKR banner la.

I think ah, Zul, why don't you contact the SPR and ask them for a list of all the non Muslims who voted for you la. What? How would the SPR know who voted for you? Are you really a lawyer? Why I asked that? Because that was a dumb question to ask. They did write the serial numbers against the voters' name didn't they?

Well, back to my suggestion. After you have got all the names, you go to their houses and give them a good scolding la Zul. You shout at them; you scream at them; you demand from them to know why they voted for you. You tell them real good that you don't want no non Muslim votes. You do that Zul. You shout in their faces la Zul.

Then Zul, you go to the houses of all the non Muslim members of the discplinary committee and tell them that you don't listen to non Muslims. You tell them that they are nothing Zul.

Then Zul, when you go to court, you tell all those non Muslim Judges and Magistrates that they are not fit to be judges. You tell them real good Zul.

Since you are already in full steam in your crusade, why don't you go back to all those non Muslim teachers and tell them that all their lessons meant nothing to you. You tell them real good Zul. Tell them it was the Muslim teachers who got you where you are now Zul.

Come to think of it, why don't you join Perkasa Zul. They are meant for Malays and therefore Muslims only. No Zul, you should not join PAS because they have supporters clubs. Psst! let me tell you a secret. The supporters club is filled with non Muslims only. Can you believe that. What has happened to this country.

You should join Perkasa Zul. Together you draw up a new constitution. Yes, a constitution that says that non Muslims, can't be members of disciplinary committees. Hey you should also include that they can't be judges. Heck!, why stop at that. Now you include that they should also pay for the air that they breathe because the air is Muslim air.

Now don't forget what I have just said to you and Zul, if you should meet the Perkasa people, could you do me a favour? Could you please give them the middle finger and say that it is from me. OK, see you.

black sabbath-children of the grave

Need I apologise for the kind of music that feeds my heart? No, I don't have to. This is my kinda music and I simply love it. Well, I guess they are right when they coin the phrase,' you either like it or hate it'.


Wednesday 3 March 2010

Black Sabbath - Sweet Leaf

Well fancy, I was looking up Iron Man on you tube when I stumbled upon this old memory.
My band played this song in BM High for our concert in 1973. Jalil you remember?
We borrowed Lan to play drums.
Oh yes Sweat :Leaf is supposed to mean Marijuana.


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