Thursday 22 April 2010

The Titles

Boss: Hey Dol, when are you going to have the 'giving away of land titles' ceremony?

Dol: Aaah boss, there is a slight hitch la boss.

Boss: Slight hitch? What do you mean hitch? You can't even organise something as simple as this?

Dol: But boss, this time it's just impossible to do boss.

Boss: Why, the people don't want their land titles?

Dol: Not that boss, sure they want boss but ..

Boss: But what? Don't give me buts, I want action. We have to give away the titles tonight, I don't care.

Dol: But boss, we can't boss, really this time we can't.

Boss: Okay, I will try to control myself and listen then I will kick you. Now tell me why?

Dol: We can only give if there are titles to give, as it is, we don't have titles to give.

Boss: What nonsense are you talking about? Just get blank deeds and fill in the names of the people, that's all, is that too much to ask?

Dol: Please don't get angry boss, listen please before you get angry. We have given away all the titles boss. All the penerokas already have titles to their land, what title some more to give?

Boss: What? No more titles to give? How could this happen?

Dol: We give titles everytime we have elections and we have had many elections. We also give during by-elections.

Boss: But there were no by-elections here?

Dol: Yes, that I know but we gave titles when we had by elections for Bukit Gantang, Kuala Terengganu, Permatang Pauh Penanti and many more.

Boss: But those are in other places and other states, why do we give away titles to land from here?

Dol: You think we ship the people here to vote there for free ka boss?

Boss: Alamak, now what do we do?

Boss: Only one thing boss, we give all men above 21 a Datukship. Itu pun title jugak boss.

Monday 19 April 2010

Dulu dan Sekarang

PKR: Saya mengaku dulu saya minum tapi sekarang saya tak minum dah.

BN1: Saya mengaku dulu kami minum tapi sekarang kami masih minum.

BN2: Saya mengaku dulu kami curi kecil-kecilan tapi sekarang kami curi besar-besaran.

BN3: Saya mengaku dulu kami tipu diam-diam tapi sekarang kami tipu terang-terang.

BN4: Saya mengaku dulu kami sombong la jugak sikit, tapi sekarang kami tak pernah tak sombong.

BN5: Saya mengaku dulu dalam pilihanraya kami suka maki orang tapi sekarang kami maki dan pukul orang.

BN6: Saya mengaku dulu kami minta jentera kerajaan tolong kami tapi sekarang kami arah jentera kerajaan tolong kami.

BN7: Saya mengaku dulu kami bagi la sikit duit kopi tapi sekarang kami bagi duit Milo.

BN8. Saya mengaku dulu kami takut kat BPR tapi sekarang BPR takut kat kami.

Nak Tambah? Tambah la.

Tuesday 13 April 2010

The Visit.

Warden: Okay girls, is the place ready? Our visitors would be here soon.

Student1: Ready cikgu.

Warden: Are all your suites clean?

Student2: Yes, cikgu, housekeeping came in early today.

Warden: Please see what Chef Wan has for breakfast today? I told our visitors that we would give them breakfast.

Student3: Chef Wan said we'll have a sumptious buffet of continental, English, American and Malaysian breakfast.

Warden: Oh, god, I forgot, please run and check to see if the swimming pools are ready. Oh dear me, I hope they have the heating on, it's quite chilly this morning.

Student1: The pools are ready cikgu, I checked them myself. Ah cikgu, I tried calling you just now but you didn't answer.

Warden: Oh, how forgetful I am, please go to my suite, I think I left it at the jacuzzi.

Student4: Cikgu, cikgu, our visitors have arrived, they are waiting at the mini golf parking area.

Warden:( Clap, clap) Okay girls, girls, can I have your attention please, our guests have arrived so remember what I said at the briefing. Make sure all the airconds in every suite, and foyer and lobby are on. make sure there are pupils on standby on every floor. All elevators must have someone to aid our visitors should they need any. I want at least 10 girls working out in the gym at any time.

Captain: Good morning cikgu Murni. I am glad that you are gracious enough to play host to our girls.

Warden: Aaah, Captain Zaiton, it is our pleasure really, please do come in. As Head warden of Sekolah Menengah Kg. Jawa girls hostel, I am very proud to welcome, the ladies from the 5th Regimen of the Army Corp. Ladies don't take off your  Jimmy Choos, Christian Laboutins, Manolo Blahniks and Yves Saint Laurents.

Friday 9 April 2010

The New Strategy

MP1: Boss, are you there?

Boss: Yes, I am inside the surau seeing what can be repaired and what need to be replaced.

MP1: Come quick, come quick, I think we have been cheated la.

Boss: What do you mean cheated? Did Samy cross over to the other side?

MP1: That is not cheated boss, that is a blessing, come quick la. I am at the junction to the kampung.

Boss: It better be good calling me out at this time of the night.

MP1: I am sure you would be surprised come quick, we can't hold the lorries much longer.

Boss: Okay, I'll be there in 5 minutes and remember this is a by-election so don't do anything rash.

MP1: Okay boss, we'll hold them.

Boss: Okay Mat, what is it, why are you holding these lorries.

Man1: DS, what is this your man are holding our lorries to deliver the goodies?

Boss: Yes, Mat why are you stopping these lorries. These are our gifts to the kampung people, without these how are we going to win this by-election?

Mat: But boss, you see the barang-barang first la, all used ones. Even the tar on those lorries are recycled ones. I don't know from which road they curi. See these bicycles, all use already. The tvs also sudah pakai one. See these planks, I am sure they are going to repair the suraus with used planks. We are being cheated la boss.

Boss: Come here, let's go to that tree there.

MP1: Why boss? What's the matter?

Boss: You see Mat, initially we got everything ready, everything new, then we heard that Sibu also got by-election so we change the strategy la. Where got money somemore, all habis already.

MP1: Oh, like that ka? I don't know but from which second hand shop they got all these?

Boss: No,we can't even afford to buy from second hand shops.

MP1: Then? They steal ka boss?

Boss: No these are all ours. The tar, planks and tvs and bicycles we took back from KT, Bukit Selambau, Penanti and Cangkat Jering. We lost there so we take back la. We save a lot you know.

Saturday 3 April 2010

Here we go again

DG1: Mr. TPM sir, regarding the payment for project 3145, the contractors are threatening to screw my backside if they are not paid la. Please la Mr. TPM sir.

TPM: Aisay DG, you yourself know that at present we don't have any money. As it is I don't even know how the hell we are going to pay the civil servants this month's salary so you just klentong them a bit la.

DG1: How to klentong, they are screaming. I dare not even answer their calls la.

TPM: I tell you what, you tell them that they can plan any new project they want. It doesn't matter how much the projecst cost. Send to me and I'll approve. They go ahead with the construction of the new project and I will pay for all as soon as we got the money.

DG1: Mana buleh TPM? Lama punya hutang also cannot pay, want to hutang some more ka?

TPM: This is the gomen la, sooner or later we pay them la. Okay, offer them a fifty percent discount in their income tax. I'll talk to the Inland Revenue people. Okay bye, I have to go. Ahmad get the car and lets go to Hulu selangor.

Ahmad: Okay boss, the car is ready.

TPM: Hello TPM speaking, ah yes, DG of Education. What can I do for you?

DG2: Sir, about the uniform aid for this year, so many state directors have called me to enquire if we are giving free uniform for KOKO this year?

TPM: Sure, sure, surely give one. Tell them to go ahead and collect the names.

DG2: But last year's payment pun tak bayar lagi, how to get suppliers for this year?

TPM: Aisay, you pandai pandai la. Tell them this year we increase the allocation to 120 per student, that's a 20% raise. As for payment I promise to clear all in 3 months. Okay, I am busy now.

Ahmad: Orang mintak hutang lagi ka boss?

TPM: Ya la Mat, kita mana ada duit, semua dok bayar dengan air liur saja. Si Arab2 tu janji nak hantar bulan lepas tapi tak sampai2 lagi duit tu. Ntah la mat, saya rasa awak punya OT pun saya tak buleh bayar lagi bulan ni. Pening la Mat. Simpanan kita kering habis.

Ahmad: Dah sampai boss.

Penghulu: Welcome mr. TPM sir, welcome please take your seat. I know you are busy so we will call you for a quick speech and then you feel free to go round the kampung.

TPM: Tuan, tuan dan puan puan, this government is a caring government. We have always kept our promise. We will continue to give and give and give to the people. I promise you if we win this buy-election we will build 10 more mosques. On the way here, I could not see any schools so now I am announcing an immediate grant to build 5 more secondary schools, 7 primary schools, 1 vocational school, 1 SM Teknik, 10 bridges and a dual carriageway running the whole length of this kampung. We will build a 10000 capacity Indoor Stadium,  an olympic size swimming pool and an IT centre with 200 computers ready with internet access. All students would be given a netbook and every home would be given a 50 inch LED tv. Thank you, thank you.

Penghulu: Thank you very much Mr. TPM, you are so generous.

TPM: Aaaah, no problem, negara kita kaya. Anyway how many thousand people are there in this kampung?

Penghulu: Actually we have only 52 people here.


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