Wednesday 30 April 2008

Happy 21st Birthday Baby

Well what do you know, my baby, my youngest daughter is 21 today. In the days of old, turning 21 would mean you are finally given the key to freedom but nowadays, they are free from the day they were born.

She is the youngest and I dare say the most 'manja' and in her I see myself. She is very much like me especially her wits. My baby is a woman now and may one day fly off to lead a life of her own. As of now, she is still here with me and the family and we will savour every second of this.

I am not a rich man but I am a very happy man and today I am happier. Happy Birthday to my dear little baby. Ba loves you very much.

Manchester United Qualify for Moscow

It was nail-biting right from the very start but United came out winners and I had a good sleep. Yea, yea, those who hate MU would say Man Utd were on their back heels for most of the match which I do not disagree. Then again, these same people would find all kinds of excuses if Man Utd had won playing an attacking game.

Yes, I have heard from someone who tried to kid the world by saying that they dislike Man Utd because of their fans. Oh, come on go fly kites man. You dislike Man Utd because your team, like Liverpool or Arsenal or Chelsea can't seem to win anything. Yeah once in a while Man Utd slipped and they managed to get their soiled hands on the cup but Man Utd had been winning the Premier league almost at will. That's the reason they hate Man Utd. As for the fans, Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal's fans are equally stinking. Just don't give stupid excuses la.

Like last night's match. The objective of a football game is to put the ball into the net and United did just that. We must also remember that putting the ball into the opponent's net is not all there is to it, teams must also defend resolutely so as to prevent their opponents from scoring and again United did that. Considering the line up that they fielded, defending well was no longer an option.

Now the next move would be to win the next 2 Premier league games and grab the Premier League yet again. Anything could happen. United are known to give away points easily to lesser teams. They have to give these last 2 matches their all even at the expense of the Champions league trophy. Personally, coming out champs in the Premier league is more desirable.

Tuesday 29 April 2008

kawan makan kawan

Samy: Hello! Itu Toyo ka?

Toyo: Oi, India, Mohd Khir la, apa Toyo, Toyo ni?

Samy: Itu, awak punya nama jugak kan? Apa pasai mau marah? Banyak sedap apa.

Toyo: Hey Samy, kalau awak tak tau panggil saya punya nama betul betul, saya letak ini talipon sekarang jugak.

Samy: Oh, tak suka sama itu nama ya? Nanti saya cakap awak punya bapak. Ha ha.

Toyo: Oi, Samy sudah kalah lagi mau talipon orang ka? Duduk rumah diam-diam la, tengok itu Astro Vaanavil.

Samy: Oi Toyo, sapa cakap saya kalah? Saya bukan kalah la, saya tadak menang saja.

Toyo: Oi, apa awak mau call sama saya?

Samy: Apa pasai awak pigi cakap sumua orang saya suruh diaorang roboh itu kowil? Itu kowil sudah roboh kan, apa pasai saya mau suruh roboh lagi? Bodoh punya orang. Oh, awak mau cari itu kambing hitam ka?

Toyo: Oi Samy awak sudah lupa ka? Itu hari awak cakap itu HINDRAF sudah bikin itu kuil diaorang punya headquarters? Awak sendiri yang suruh saya roboh. Apa sudah lupa ka? Itu hari awak mabok ka?

Samy: Oi, tempe! apa cakap mabok. Ini Samy la, satu tempayan toddy minum pun tak boleh mabok punya la. Saya mau esok jugak awak cakap sama itu surat khabar punya orang awak sudah silap cakap.

Toyo: Awak gila ka Samy? Mana boleh cakap saya silap. Pernah ka mana-mana orang BN cakap dia ada bikin silap? Awak sudah lupa ka apa Mahathir ada cakap dulu? Dia cakap, bila sudah silap, sampai mati pun jangan mengaku.

Samy: Itu saya tadak puduli, sekarang saya punya nama sudah banyak busuk. Itu India punya orang lagi binci sama saya. Diaorang cakap saya roboh kowil. Awak mau apologise ka ta mau?

Toyo: Oi mabok, dari dulu lagi awak punya nama sudah busuk la. Awak punya badan pun busuk juga. Awak menjerit berapa kuat pun saya apa peduli? Saya tak mau tukar saya punya cerita.

Samy: Oi botox, awak tadak tukar itu cerita, awak punya cerita sumua saya kasi kuluar.

Toyo: Oi puteh! Saya pun ada banyak cerita tentang awak. Try la.

Samy: Nanti saya cakap sama Pak Lah baru awak tau.

Toyo: Dia boleh buat apa sama saya? Dia sendiri pun sudah mau jatoh.

Samy: Tak aci la ini macam, kawan makan kawan.


Okay, okay I admit, I played a bit part in asking the Agong to call for Salleh Abbas's sacking. I swear I tell you, that's all the wrong I did. What? Corruption? Okay, I know about them but I did not do them. Okay, maybe I encouraged some people to be kind to my children but it's not like I forced them. Okay, okay, maybe I stared at them a little bit. ISA? Hey, I did not start ISA, blame the British, why blame me. It was there so I used it, what's the big deal, everyone uses it. Anwar? Who's Anwar. I swear, I do not know any Anwar except Anwar Sadat and I had no role in his assassination.

Pak Lah:
Yes, I confess I was a bit slow in implementing what I had promised but believe me I have a valid reason for it. I have this affliction. I tend to get sleepy and when I wake up, I can't remember what it is that I had set out to do. Blame it on my enemies. I think they all mandrum me already. Before being PM I don't sleep much but after assuming the PMship things changed. That's all the weakness I have to confess. What, Khairy and 4th floor? So what's with them? I look at things this way. It's better that they screw up the country than Najib. I need someone when I am asleep. If they are not there then it is Najib and behind Najib is Mahathir, so make your choice. You talk as if they screwed up big time. Just a few billion here and a few billion there, what's the big deal man, Mahathir did it too with his Diam, or is it Daim?

Samy Velu:
I admit to neglecting the Indians a little bit la. Actually it is my officer's fault, not my fault. Maybe I was too busy giving my service to the country that I forgot about the Indians. They should tell me la. What? My gangsters will harass them? No la they are my friends, not my gangster. Where got Indian gangster. These friends of mine are a little bit rough la but actually they have good hearts you know. I take no blame for the poor quality of the highways. Why should I? Not my company built the highways what. How am I to check every inch of every highway? I can't be in many places at one time. What? How come I am very rich? I save my money la. I am a vegetarian, I only eat rice a tauge once a day and drink a lot of water. All my clothes I bought from Kamdar or Mydin.

I confess, sometimes I did not tell the truth but they were not lies, just untruths. Yes, I know Altantuya, but just like that only, I was never intimate with her. No, I never went to Paris with her. Maybe I may have met her there but I did not go with her. What? Who killed her? You mean she is dead? I didn't know that. When? Why didn't anybody tell me?
No, I never take any commissions for the purchase of those things. Can't you see, that the commissions were paid to other companies and were paid by the sellers, not us? Yes, the company gave me some small change but how am I to refuse without offending the other party? Can't you see the dilema I was in? I did it all for the country you know. Come on Port Dickson was an old case. Didn't you know I was in KL not in PD?

I confess I was there at the bar but I was drinking milk shake and eating kacang. No I was not intoxicated. Maybe a little bit la but that was from the fume of other people's drinks. Actually everything was a misunderstanding. I saw the lady slightly disoriented. I thought she was dizzy so I ran to help catch her just in case she fell. As fate had it, I tripped while running and I grabbed at anything in my sight to stop from falling. I didn't know that I had cupped at her tomanggoes. They felt nice though. Then she screamed. I swear I tell you, but I don't blame her. Anybody would have screamed if they were squeezed like that. Any way she retracted her report what?

Okay, I confess it was not tempe. I didn't know what to say so I said the first thing that came to my mind and I thought it was clever of me to say tempe. Now I realised, I shouldn't have said tempe. Actually, the doctors said that I had a rare disease. This disease, whitens the complexion by stretching the skin. In the process it pushes the nose-bridge up a bit. Hey, I am a victim of a rare disease, I should be pitied not humiliated. No, we did not shred those documents on purpose. It happened that that week was our document shredding week, so we thought we would be saving the new government some work by doing the shredding ourselves. See, They did not thank us for our kind gesture but blame us of something imaginary. The copies of the documents? Yes, we had them but it seems they were lost in the floods when we moved them for safe-keeping. Blame god, don't blame us. I don't involve myself in Balkis' affairs. For what I care, you can arrest them and put them to life in the slammer. In fact, that wouldn't be a bad idea, many Datuks would thank you for it.

Anyone care to add?

Monday 28 April 2008


Datin 1: Datin-datin sekalian, mesyuarat ini adalah mesyuarat kita yang terakhir sebagai satu badan yang mewakili isteri-isteri wakil rakyat di negeri yang bertuah ini.

Datin 2 : Apa mesyuarat yang last? Kenapa tak mau buat mesyuarat lagi lepas ni? Macam mana kita nak gossip-gosip lagi lepas ni? Alaa, tak best la. Ni, hari ni saja saya dah bawa 12 cerita baru, best, Datin-Datin oi, panas punya.

Datin 1: Ala, gossip tu kita buat di tempat lain la, takkan la kalau tak ada mesyuarat kita tak boleh gossip, ya tak?

Datin 2: Ya tak ya jugak. Jadi cerita saya hari ni nak bincang di sini ka di tempat lain? Ah, kenapa kita tak ada mesyuarat dah?

Datin 3: Kan suami kita sekarang pembangkang di negeri ini, jadi kita tak boleh jadi ahli untuk badan ini lagi la. Tak tahu ka?

Datin 2: Apa, suami kita sekarang orang pembangkang? Eeee, jijiknya, saya jadi isteri YB pembangkang. Eeee tak mahu la. Nak mintak cerai la macam ni.

Datin 1: Apa salahnya jadi isteri wakil pembangkang Datin oi? Apa jijiknya?

Datin 2: Dulu Datin sendiri yang kata Datin jijik pandang isteri-isteri wakil pembangkang tu. Datin sendiri yang kata apa ke kelas jadi isteri pembangkang. Saya tak mahu la jadi isteri wakil pembangkang.

Datin 1: Okay, hal itu kita bincang lain kali, sekarang ni kita mesti undi yang badan ini akan dibubarkan mulai hari ini selepas tamat mesyuarat. Saya sebagai pengerusi badan ini mencadangkan bahawa badan ini dibubarkan. Ha, siapa nak sokong?

Datin 4: Saya sokong.

Datin 5: Saya bangkang.

Datin 1: Kenapa pulak bangkang?

Datin 5: Datin-Datin sekalian jangan jadi bodoh nak terus sokong. Hai, Datin pengerusi dah lupa ka badan ini ada banyak duit dalam akaun. Mana nak bawa pergi duit tu? Amboi amboi amboi, cepatnya nak bubar sampai tak bagi peluang kami nak cakap. Ha Datin 4 pulak cepat-cepat nak sokong, ada apa-apa ka?

Datin 1: Oh ya juga, saya terlupa la tentang duit dalam akaun tu, tapi kalau tak silap saya cuma tinggal RM30 saja. Habis kita belanja yang lain dalam lawatan sambil belajar kita. Lepas tu kita buat lunch di London dan dinner di Paris, mana nak ada duit lagi?

Datin 5: Ikut minit mesyuarat yang lepas kita ada hampir RM10 juta lagi. trip kita tu adalah sebelum mesyuarat yang lepas jadi mana boleh habis?

Datin 1: Ya ka? Bagus la macam tu. Datin-Datin semua biarkan perkara tu kepada saya dengan Datin 4. Kami akan cari jalan yang sesuai.

Datin 5: Tak boleh macam tu Datin 1 oi, kena settle di sini jugak. Salah kalau tak selesai. Hai tak cukup lagi ka yang dok telan selama ni sampai yang ni pun nak telan jugak?

Datin 1: Eh, tak baik la Datin 5 cakap macam tu, tak terlintas langsung dalam hati saya nak songlap duit tu?

Datin 2: Songlap? Hey best nya, kita nak songlap apa lagi? Boleh la kita pergi lawatan lagi ya? Saya seronok betul bila kita melawat gym lelaki di Jerman dulu. Eeee, bestnya.

Datin 4: Datin 2, Datin 2, ini bukan tempat nak bincang hal tu. Nanti habis mesyuarat kita bincang okay? Saya pun seronok juga.

Datin 1: Untuk menyelesaikan hal ini, saya baru talipon seorang Hakim dan dia nasihatkan kita derma saja duit tu kat Bakti.

Datin 6: Apa derma kat Bakti? Buat apa, susah-susah suami kita songlap duit rakyat nak bagi kita enjoy, kita nak bagi kat Bakti pulak, nak bagi diaorang enjoy? Suami diaorang songlap lagi banyak jadi buat apa bagi kat mereka?

Datin 1: Dah tak ada jalan lain dah Datin 6. Kalau biarkan nanti ahli-ahli baru pulak dapat duit tu? Sanggup ka tengok diaorang guna duit songlapan suami-suami kita?

Datin 4: Ya la saya tak sanggup. Bagi kat Bakti pun tak apa.

Datin 1: Saya cadangkan kita bubarkan badan ini dan dermakan semua wang dalam akaun badan ini kepada Bakti.

Datin 4: Saya sokong

Datin-Datin: Kami sokong

Datin 1: (Berbisik kepada setiausaha: minitkan sebagai, duit itu di serahkan kepada saya untuk belanja ikut suka saya)

Setiausaha: (Berbisik: Mana boleh Datin 1?)

Datin 1: (Berbisik: 20 percent)

Seiausaha: (Berbisik: Okay pass)

Sunday 27 April 2008

Anwar Met Tengku Razaleigh

Anwar: Assalammualaikum Yang Mulia Tengku.

Kuli: Salam, OH, Datuk Seri Anwar, fancy meeting you here on the same flight.

Anwar: Yes, I was surprised too. It seems that everywhere I go I am bound to meet someone heading for the same destination.

Kuli: After all, Malaysia is a small country, these things are bound to happen.

Anwar: Yes, I agree with you, and they are expected to happen when you are on an important mission.

Kuli: Important mission? How important is that?

Anwar: Why, you look very interested?

Kuli: No, no, just that, you know I am quite a well-known man so I know people, maybe I can get someone to assist you. We may not be in the same camp but we do know each other.

Anwar: Oh, thanks a lot for the thought, I think I know enough people in Sabah to get through this very-very important mission of mine.

Kuli: No Anwar, I insist, I want to help you. I can get someone ready at the airport to assist you in any way you want.

Anwar: It's ok Tengku, you are so kind. Jeffrey is at the airport to meet me and he is a Sabahan, I am sure he knows his way around.

Kuli: Yes, but he is opposition, he can't help you as much as someone who is government can.

Anwar: Yes, you are right there but I am only going to meet some people at a specific place for some important talks, that's all, so I really don't need any assistance.

Kuli: I am just trying to help you know.

Anwar: I am sure you are. Are you going to Sabah on business?

Kuli: No, no, just attending a friend's birthday party. You said you are meeting some people, who are they? How Many?

Anwar: Why Tengku?

Kuli: Maybe I can get you a better place, more comfortable for you and your friends?

Anwar: Oh, I think the place we got is comfortable enough for the 50 or so of us.

Kuli: What 50? I thought only 30, er, er, I mean, I thought in Sabah they only have places with facilities for about 30 people. Who are they? Are all of them from Sabah?

Anwar: Oh, old friends, some from Sabah, some Sarawak and some from Semenanjung.

Kuli: From semenanjung also? Ooops, I spilled my coffee.

Anwar: I never knew you to be this careless Tengku. I think I better not disturb you ...

Kuli: No, no you are not disturbing me at all, in fact I love the company. Please, please stay.

Anwar: Oh, ok. Nice of you. So this friend of yours, the one whose birthday you are attending, is he someone I know?

Kuli: What friend? What birthday? .... Oh, oh, yes, that friend, no you don't know him. A Kelantan man, working here in Sabah. Er, These people you are going to meet, are all of them politicians?

Anwar: I am a full time politician so I do meet a lot of politicians. Yes, they are, in fact they are all MPs.

Kuli: Oops, I spilled my coffee again, er, er PR MPs? Why meet your PR MPs here in Sabah?

Anwar: No, they are not PR MPs. They are BN MPs.

Kuli: BN MPs? Er, why are you meeting BN MPs?

Anwar: The crossover.

Kuli: Are you serious Anwar?

Anwar: Yes, dead serious.

Kuli: You already got about 50? Some of them are from Semenanjung?

Anwar: No, I was just pulling your legs, I knew you were fishing so I just tugged at your bait a bit.

Kuli: Do you have enough?

Anwar: Oh, I should say so. Yes, I have enough.

Kuli: When then?

Anwar: When what? The meeting?

Kuli: No, when would you all act?

Anwar: Aaah, that is privilege information, I am sure you know I can't reveal that. Ah! Tengku, I have to get back to my seat, Khairy must be anxiously waiting for me.

Kuli: What? Khairy is with you, oops, there goes my coffee again.

Anwar: Ha, gotcha. No, Azizah. Okay see you then, Assalammualaikum.

Kuli: Ah, Anwar, do you by any chance need someone experienced in Finance and Trade?

Saturday 26 April 2008

Cheap Thrill and Expensive Thrill

When I think of that ex-minister, one thing that gets me to thinking is that, why a man of his standing: A member of Parliament, a bloody rich man and an ex-minister would resort to something so cheap, so low class as to go grope a defenseless woman. Talking about being cheap, I remember a story about cheap thrill and expensive thrill. The story goes like this.

There was once a very gatai man sitting at home. All he had on his mind was to have sex. He had no girlfriend and only RM1.50 in his pocket. He remembered a friend had told him about a joint where you can get it off cheaply. Off he went and met the apek manning the joint.

Man: Apek, I need to get it off real fast, what do you have?

Apek: Ha, you come to the right place. We have cheap thrill and expensive thrill.

Man: How much are they?

Apek: RM1.00 for the expensive thrill and 50 sen for the cheap one.

Man: I'll take the expensive one.

Apek: Okay follow me.

The man followed the apek into a room. The apek gave him a chicken to satisfy himself. Being desperate, he just had a go and finished it off and rushed home.

The next day, he was itching for it again. Off he went to the shop and this time said that he had only 50 sen. The apek took the money and took him upstairs and led him into a room. There were men peeping into holes in the floor. He took a hole and peeped. He was shocked. "That man is doing it to a goat". he said to the man beside him. "You should have been here yesterday, a loser was doing it with a chicken". The man answered.

To Raba or Not to Raba

What they say about the molest case by the ex minister.

Samy Velu: Raba-raba sumua saya ta tau.Kalau butul itu sudah terjadi saya rasa itu adalah satu kesalahan jalan raya. Dia sepatutnya bayar toll dulu sebelum mau raba. Dia kena check dia punya Touch&Go kad ada wang atau tidak. Dia tak bule Touch&Go saja itu macam, mesti ada duit.

Lim Kheng Yaik
: Ini perempuan ha, dia sama macam itu Kah Choon jugak. Mula-mula ah, dia kawan, and then, ah, dia lawan. Ini macam tak baik la. Mungkin ah, dia tanya sama itu Kah Choon apa mau buat. Saya banyak marah sama Kah Choon la, ah, apa pasai ah, dia mau buat ini macam?

Chua Soi Lek: Saya sudah cakap sama dia, apa main raba-raba? Itu budak punya style la. Lu mau pi hotel terus la, apa raba-raba? Tapi ha jaga tau, jangan pi sama punya hotel tau. Check tengok ada cctv ka.

: Ini semua salah Pak Lah dan Khairy. Depa yang ajaq bekas menteri tu dia jadi macam tu. Dulu masa dia dengan saya sapa pun tak berani nak buat report. Dia mesti letak jawatan biaq anak saya naik.

Rafidah: Kenape dia tak datang jumpe saye dulu? Saya ada AP untuk merabe, bukannye mahal sangat. Ini lah buat kerja bodoh. Cukur la janggut tu dulu.

: Mengapa tanya saya? Bukan saya yang meraba, bukan saya yang kena raba. Tanya la Nurul Izzah, dia muda, dia cantik. Mengapa nak tanya orang tua ini jugak?

: Which judge is going to hear the case? Aaah, correct, correct, correct, no problem, some money, a handbag and a handphone and pom pom pom everything okay.

: Saya tak percaya, orang Pahang tak main raba-raba punya. Di mana dia buat? Di Port Dickson? Siapa perempuan tu? Penyanyi ka?

: Siapa bikin? Kalau lain orang bikin jangan tanya sama saya. Kalau Samy Vellu bikin bole tanya, saya tuntu jawab.

Nik Aziz: Peghanga seghupo oghe ute.

: Good la you all do like like like like this. You all like like like to see this this this country des des des destroyed. Go and re re re report to Al al al al Jazeera la.

Friday 25 April 2008

Who Says we are not going to space?

Min: Mr. Putin sir, regarding our second cosmonaut, the agreement still stands right?

Putin: Second cosmonaut? Was there a first?

Min: Yes, don't you remember Muzaphar?

Putin: Oh, that bone doctor, he was a space traveller, not a cosmonaut. Please be careful with what you say, we have a reputation to keep.

Min: Sorry, sorry Mr. Putin sir, it won't happen again. So the deal still stands?

Putin: The deal was for one man, if you want one more than you must buy more from us, simple as that.

Min: Ah, we are experiencing some hard times here so would you accept our credit? Soon as things get better, we will buy.

Putin: Many countries are waiting in line you know. You could always pay US25 million to send him there.

Min: I know that sir, but we are experiencing a tight squeeze so the treasury said it is not wise to spend that much for a tour.

Putin: I am sure you could foot it yourself without asking the treasury. You made quite a bundle from the last deal.

Min: I would have if I have the money but you know, there are so many poor people here and I can't bear to see them suffer so I spent all the money on them.

Putin: Yes, Bush is a genius. Israel loves Islam and Mahathir doesn't lie.

Min: Is there anyway we can discuss this sir?

Putin: I tell you what, you come over and bring that Mongolian chick here with you.

Min: Er, er, what Mongolian chick sir?

Putin: The one you brought to see me when we were discussing the last deal.

Min: Er, I can't remember which one sir.

Putin: Remember that day in my office when I gave you 4 pounds of C4 as souvenir? There was a Mongolian chick with you.

Min: Oh, that chick, oh, sad news sir. she was playing with the C4 which she stole from me and evaporated.

Putin: Evaporated? Does she know how to use it? It doesn't go off just like that you know. Its a pity you've got to waste a beauty like that. So what else do you have to offer?

Min: How about a ride in our submarine?

Putin: What! That second hand junk? You must have been losing your touch.

Min: Could you then lend us some of your CGI experts then? We will make it look like the major went to space.

Putin: I think I can arrange that. It will cost you US1 million for 2 CGI experts. Don't worry, they could even make it look like he was on Mars.

Min: Okay, my wife's company will handle the arrangements then. Thank you sir.

Putin: Okay bye.

Min: Sayang, how would you like to make a fast US4 million?

Thursday 24 April 2008

It Was All A Misunderstanding.

Waitress: I would like to deny that what was reported ever happened. The ex-Minister did not fondle or molest me. It was all a misunderstanding.

Reporter: What made you make that report then? What actually happened.

Waitress: I did feel someone putting his hands on my backside. Then I felt the hand going higher. I protested, but it did not stop. I tried to pull the hand away, but the owner of the hand is much stronger than me. He was also drunk because I could smell it from his breath.

Reporter: What made you initially suspect that it was the ex minister who did it.

Waitress: After pleading for sometime, I couldn't take it anymore so I screamed. Then they on the lights and the ex minister was next to me.

Reporter: You suspected that he was the one because he was next to you? It could have been others right?

Waitress: I thought it was him, because that night, he was the only customer. There was no one else in the bar except the bar boy, two other waitresses who were with the bar boy, the ex minister and me. That was why I thought it was him.

Reporter: It could have been either of the waitresses or the bar-boy right?

Waitress: No it couldn't be, they were at quite a distant away. They lights were on only seconds after I screamed.

Reporter: Then how come you are now sure that it was not the ex minister, since he was the only one close to you? Anyway how close was he to you?

Waitress: He was very close, about 6 inches away. I only realised that it couldn't have been him when the police and his lawyers visited me a few days ago.

Reporter: How many of them visited you?

Waitress: 20 police personnel and 12 lawyers.

Reporter: So many of them? What did they say or do?

Waitress: They told me that that club is haunted. They said that a few years ago, a drunkard lecherous old man was shot dead for molesting a woman there. They added that it could be his ghost who did it.

Reporter: And you believed them?

Waitress: I was confused, but they brought an ex waitress who confessed that the same thing happened to her and coincidentally, the same ex minister was beside her. They said that, the dead man was an enemy of the ex minister so that was why his ghost did it every time he is around.

Reporter: Since the place is haunted, are you going back to work there?

Waitress: Oh no, I don't have to work anymore. The ex minister was so kind. He said that he took pity on me because I was molested by the ghost of his enemy. He blamed himself for what had happened to me. He gave me a cheque for 1 million ringgit, a condominium and an expensive car. He said I don't have to pay for the condominium. To show how he cares, he even took a key and said that he would be checking on me, to see if I need any help or if the ghost is still haunting me. That is why, I feel so bad that I had implicated a very good man.

Wednesday 23 April 2008

Sexual Harrasment

EM: Hey waiter! Take this stupid small glasses away and stuff them up you arse, give me a bottle.

Bar Boy: One bottle sir? Would you like some ice with it?

EM: Shit you, idiot. I take mine neat la, bloody bastard. Ice is for pondans la.

EMB: That's the way Datuk, shit them. What ice? Hahahahahahahah

EM: Ya la, ice their mother la, hahahahahahah. Hey idiot waiter! one more bottle for my buddy here. Send the bottles over to that table there. I want you to get that waitress to send them, yum, yum.

EMB: Which waitress Datuk, that want with the agio tomanggo ka?

EM: No la, not that one. That want. Look at her jamban la. Phooh! I tell you you, I'll cut that arse and sleep with it la,

EMB: Hahahahahaha. Never mind, you take the jamban home and I'll take those two hugh barangs, hahahahaha

EM: You stupid la, people don't go for barangs la. For all you know, when you open her bra, those knockers would sag to her navel la. If you want chicks, look for their arse la. Firm tight arse la. Hee hee hee hee,

EMB: Like that ka Datuk?

EM: Shh, shhhhhhh, here she comes. Watch me.

EMB: What are you going to do Datuk? Datuk got a lot of people la.

EM: What a lot of people? I am a Datuk la. I am an UMNO strong man la. Who can do anything to me? F**k them. They know better than to mess with me la. Shit, the moment she feels my hand on her arse, she would be begging me to go all the way la. I got magic hands you know.

EMB: Ok Datuk, here she come.

Waitress: Your bottles sir. You sure you don't want ice with this?

EM: Hey, sweetie, ice is for pondans la. I am a real man. You want to see?

Waitress: Of course Datuk, I am sure you are a man. Enjoy your drink.

EM: Hey, bitch, where are you going, come here. You want to feel something hard?

Waitress: Please Datuk, I have work to do.

EM: F**k your work. How much do you want?

Waitress: Please Datuk, I am not that type. Please Datuk

EMB: Hey, bitch, when the Datuk says he wants you, you better give in to him.

Waitress: Datuk please Datuk, please I have a boyfriend Datuk.

EM: F**k your boyfriend. Come here, hmm you've got nice arse you know, nice and firm.

Waitress: Please Datuk don't put your hand inside my skirt Datuk, please.....

EM: Shiiiiit! You got a dick. You are a F*****g pondan. Chis, shit. What are you laughing at?

EMB: I tried to tell you. I knew it when I saw her adam's apple.

EM: Shit, sial only. I groped his flacid dead dick. Hey you waitress.

Waitress 2: Yes, Datuk.

EM: Come here.

Waitress 2: Datuk why are you groping me. Please, HELP, HELP, HELP!

EMB: Datuk let's get out of here.

* EM= Ex Minister
EMB = Ex Minister's Balaci

I Hate Bad News

I hate bad news, I really do. They get me down and I feel lousy throughout the whole day. Bad news should be outlawed. No one is suppose to bring bad news. Yes, I know, it is a stupid thing to ask for but I was just saying what I feel out loud.

Okay, what brings about this stupid outburst? We have to start from the beginning. I have a friend who is also a neighbour in the block next to mine. Daphne knows the family. The husband is a school clerk and the missus a housewife. They are an average family, not rich, but happy. The wife supplements the family income by baby-sitting, much like my wife, meaning my family too is just an average family. The husband used to moonlight driving a taxi in the evenings. Life is hard here in Penang living on a clerk's salary and should I add, a teacher's.

This couple has two daughters, one 19 and the other 8. Yes, quite far apart. I don't know if it was by design or some difficulties. The wife is a very close friend of my missus. One day about a year and a half ago, when my wife visited her, she cried. She said she was pregnant. My wife asked why greet such good news with tears of sadness? She said she was already approaching 40 and that economically, they were not prepared to have another child.

Upon scanning, they found that the baby they were about to have was a boy. I could see the change in the father's face. He was extra cheerful. Like all Asian families, they too would like to have a boy to sort of complete the whole set. Soon it was time for her to deliver but we heard no news from them. It was about a month or so that my wife and another friend decided to pay the wife a visit because there simply wasn't any communication from her.

As they walked in they were greeted with tears again, and again it was tears of sadness. The wife told my wife and her friend that her boy is suffering from Down Syndrome. That was when, Daphne visited my house for Raya and during our conversation, I spoke about it. She then contacted her friend who has a Down Syndrome baby herself and that friend of hers visited the lady and told them how to handle such a situation.

I could see that the wife was cheerful once again. Having a Down Syndrome baby means full time work, so the father quit his part-time work of driving a taxi to be with the baby more. The wife who usually baby-sits about 3 children, reduced the number to only one. Things got hard, but they were happy. I could see the joy in the husband's face as he carries his baby boy around, although the baby is not really normal.

The baby is now about 7 months old. Yesterday my wife paid them a visit and was again greeted with sadness. This time it's a sadness that would not go away; a sadness that cuts deep into one's heart. The wife told her that, the baby boy has a hole in the heart. It was confirmed by the specialist in the Penang GH. I was taken aback. I was quiet for a while but then said that this condition is quite common and that countless operations have been done to correct this abnormality. Then my wife broke the knockout news. The doctors said that this particular abnormality cannot be operated on. The baby would suffer this added malady for the rest of his, it seems, brief life.

The wife told my missus that the baby could expect to reach, at most, 15 years of age, that is if he does not suffer anything serious arising from the hole in his heart. I couldn't say anything for quite sometime. The only thing that I could say is that they get a second opinion. My wife told me that they intend to do just that but private specialists are very expensive.

Yes, in the end it comes to money, which not many us average people have to spare. I know they would do whatever there is within their means. They would beg borrow or steal, maybe not steal, but they would give their lives to save this one life. That is why, I don't like bad news, I hate bad news. Should there be any, let it be the type that could be remedied not this devastating type. I hate bad news, I really do.

Monday 21 April 2008

Nak Tunggu apa lagi?

Pilihanraya selesai sudah
Pak lah tersungkur tapi tak mengalah
PR mendabik kemenangan menyerlah
Lima negeri ditawan sudah
Ada yang terpaksa menjilat ludah
Kerana pembangkang yang asyik disergah
Lani kat depa dok jelen lidah

Tapi kali ini ada peliknya
Pak Lah yang kalah nampak bersahaja
Balaci-balaci belaan orang tua
Menyalak di sini dan juga di sana
Sesekali tuan depa pun join sama
Paksa Pak Lah lepaskan takhta
Kononnya kekuatan parti perjuangan depa
Ataupun takut tongkang pecah terbongkar rahsia?

Wahai Pak Lah jerit mereka
Turun lah segera dari takhta
Bagi lah Najib merasa pula
Betapa indahnya di atas sana
Bagilah Rosmah bermaharajalela
kerana tak cukup pulun FELDA
Nak rasa juga yang minyak punya

Najib diam seribu bahasa
Lidah kelu tidak terkata
Muhyidin pun lompat macam perwira
Daripada Najib dia lebih tera
Licik sungguh si orang tua
Musuh lama yang bertapa di Gua
Dipujuk masuk beradu bersama

Hishamudin dah kata nak undur diri
Gerakkan pemuda tak mahu diterajui
Anak orang tua pun tawarkan diri
Semua pemuda nak diketuai
Toleh kanan dan toleh kiri
Sokongan kawan-kawan terus dicari
Batu loncatan jawatan itu menjadi

Dengan Najib orang tua dah mula bengang
Sebab tak mahu joint tendang terajang
Jadi orang tua pun terus mencadang
Kepada Najib janganlah sesiapa pun pandang
Kerna takdak teloq bila telanjang
Jadi lebih baik cari lain hulubalang
Yang sanggup beradu dan menyerang

Zaid pulak bukak cerita lama
Kepada hakim teraniaya maaf dipinta
Maka menyalak lah balaci-balaci orang tua
Nak minta maaf buat apa
Mereka menjerit tenggelam punca
Takut timbul cerita lama
Tentang kezaliman tuhan mereka

Pak Lah pun cuba tumpang sekaki
Kepada hakim teraniaya tunjuk simpati
Disuruh Bar Council buat party
Hakim teraniaya hendak dirai
Segala perbelanjaan sedia di kaotimi
Ex gratia dan pengikhtirafan hendak diberi
Sebenarnya nak tengok orang tua menggigit jari

Ke Manchester pulak orang tua menjelajah
Dihadapan bebudak university Pak Lah diterjah
Adakah dia terlupa sudah
Akta University yang haram jadah
Dia gubal bertahun-tahun sudah
Supaya politik dan pelajar dapat di pisah
Lani kat depa dia nak khutbah

Jangan telunjuk diacu kat orang
Kerana lagi 3 jari kembali menyerang
Segala apa yang dia bangkang
Dulu dia jugak buat memanglah terang
Lebih baik saja sejadah dibentang
Kepada Yang Esa niat dipasang
Perbuatan lama tak mahu dah di ulang

Pak Lah pulak bukak lah mata
Party hang dah tak diterima
Cuba lah perhati perangai mereka
Mengigit sini menerajang disana
Semua angkara nak rebut kuasa
Yang dengannya dijanji bertimbun harta
Nasib rakyat tak siapa nak bela

Dah 50 tahun UMNO berkuasa
Segelintir kaya yang lain merana
Pak Lah ada satu peluang berjasa
Kepada negara dan juga bangsa
UMNO yang penuh dengan kudis buta
Dibungkus dibuang ke longkang saja
Biar pembangkang pulak bertakhta
Kalau pembangkang pun buat perangai kera
Lagi lima tahun depa pun kami terajang juga.

Sunday 20 April 2008

Malays Are Actually Very Rich

What does the recent GE prove? One thing that many people are not able to see is that it proves that the Malays are actually the richest people in this land called Malaysia. It is very clear and yet no one cared to write about it. Actually even I did not realise this phenomenon until Bakaq of Penaririk Beca sent me an sms about it. As those who frequent his Malaysiakita would know, Bakaq, a Malay, but different from many other Malays, he is not very rich, is presently trying to change his internet provider so he can't blog for a few days. I am sure he had been itching to write about this himself but the technical fault he is presently encountering has prevented him, so he asked if I could write something about it.

Come to think of it, Bakaq has a very valid point. Yes, indeed, the Malays are actually so bloody damn rich. Shit, why didn't I realise it? As for me of course, I belong to Bakaq's camp, so I am not rich, heck, I am damn bloody poor. Now some of you may be thinking that I am playing a prank on you but I will be giving you evidence from the recent GE.

We all know that, price increases of food and utilities has been the bone of contention with many Malaysians in the run up to the GE and opposition parties were quick to pounce on this as an issue in their campaign and the response that they got when these issues were raised was tremendous. The applause was thunderous. Why do they clap? Because they were hurt with these increases that ate into their purchasing power leaving them without much of a saving.

Now let us see the results of the GE and the many analysis made regarding it. The PR owned to the fact that their victory was a result of the massive swing of the Chinese and Indians. Even the Government admitted that the drubbing that they got was mainly due to the desertion of the non Malays. Many non Malay leaders suffered when their own people deserted them.

One interesting finding of the recent GE is that, although the sentiment shown by the non Malays is shared by the Malays, the swing, however, is not that massive. Now, if the Chinese and Indians voted for the opposition because they can't take price increases anymore, how come many Malays still voted BN? Ha, ha, the answer is that, the Malays has been secretly accumulating wealth, but being the kampung people that they are, they do not trust the banks. They stash their money in pillows and bolsters. Compare the number of pillows in a town house and the number in a kampung house. Yes, kampung people have more pillows. Contrary to popular belief, these excess pillows are not meant for visiting relatives, but rather to keep their money in.

Every time there is an increase in the price of essentials, the Malays only need to rip one of the countless pillows that they have to see them through. So price increase was not an issue for the Malays and that is reflected in the percentage of Malays voting for the BN.

Therefore, since more Chinese and Indians voted for the opposition than for the BN, it means that more Chinese and Indians are poor and since more Malays voted for the BN rather than the opposition despite the ridiculous increase in the price of food and fuel, it means that more Malays are rich.

Baffling? What is not baffling about Malaysian politics especially UMNO politics? Oh yes, before I forget, I wonder why is it that I am a Malay and I don't have that many pillows in my house? Must sms Bakaq to ask how many pillows he has.

New and Revamped ACA

Reporter: Mr. DPM sir, the suggestion to set up a commission on the appointment of judges has been well-received by the people. Has the government any thoughts about revamping the ACA?

DPM: Oh yes, in fact, it is the next agency that would be looking into. It is all my idea really. I worked hard to come out with this new and improved setup. We want to make our ACA an agency with integrity, free of interference and very transparent.

Reporter: Do you mean that the present setup is flawed and lacks intergrity and is not transparent?

DPM: Er, er, hmmm, er, let us say that the present setup has room for improvement. As time past, we have to move with the time and a revamped ACA is a sign of this dynamism.

Reporter: So what changes could the people expect sir?

DPM: For a start we are thinking of changing the name of the agency from BPR to BPRYG.

Reporter: Isn't that a little too long and what does it mean?

DPM: No, not too long. It means Badan Pencegah Rasuah Yang Glocal. Do you like it?

Reporter: Why 'yang glocal'?

DPM: I don't know but it sounds nice and 'glocal' is something that I coined, so I thought it would be nice.

Reporter: What else Mr. DPM sir?

DPM: This agency would be a very secret body. Not even ministers know who are the staffs.

Reporter: Even the directors are not known?

DPM: Yes, even the identity of the directors are secret.

Reporter: Malaysia is a small country Mr. DPM sir, people are bound to know.

DPM: Yes, I agree, but they would be operating in Geneva, not here, so it's going to be difficult for people to know who the staffs are. To ensure further secrecy, even their phone numbers are secret so no one would be able to contact them.

Reporter: If they operate from so far away, and their numbers are not accessible to the public, how are people going to make complaints to them?

DPM: That is the beauty of the whole thing. Man is a resourceful animal. If he really wants something, he would eventually get it no matter how long it takes. In this way, only those who work hard to contact the agency would one day succeed. This is to prevent frivolous cases from being reported.

Reporter: What if they still can't find but their grouses are real?

DPM: Ha, we have thought of everything, don't worry. We have a not so secret agency to deal with this. It is called BPRTBG.

Reporter: What is that sir?

DPM: Badan Pencegah Rasuah Tak Berapa Glokal.

Reporter: Its role sir?

DPM: To handle complaints on cases not involving high ranking government officers, politicians, right up to ministers, and 'friends of the government'. Only BPRYG can handle these cases.

Reporter: Friends of the government? What is that sir?

DPM: What its name suggests: those personalities who are very closely connected to high ranking government officers, BN politicians right up to the ministers.

Reporter: Hmmm, any more sub divisions sir?

DPM: Yes, one more. It is called BPRYTGL.

Reporter: Oh my god, that is quite a mouthful. What does that stand for?

DPM: Badan Pencegah Rasuah Yang Tak Glocal Langsung. Haha, do you like it?

Reporter: Er, interesting sir. What does this division do sir?

DPM: Oh, give ceramahs, hold exhibitions and stuffs like that.

Reporter: What kind of ceramahs sir?

DPM: Oh, ceramah like why it is helpful not to pursue corruption cases because eventually nothing will happen; ceramah on how and where to get bodyguards and how costly they could be, after you have made a complaint; ceramah on how to mind your own business and ceramah on how certain kinds of corruptions are necessary evil.

Reporter: Is this all designed to confuse the people and to frustrate the war against corruptions? What, is this, what is this? Where are you people taking me? Sir, sir, who are these goons? Where are they taking me? Help me sir, sirrrrrrrr..........

Update: This is completely unrelated but to those who want to hear the sweetest, most beautiful cover version of Mariah Carey's "Without You" please click here

Saturday 19 April 2008

Any more question?

Reporter 1: Mr. DPM, Mr. DPM sir, can you comment on The PMs apology to Tun Salleh Abbas and the other judges who were dismissed in 1988?

DPM: Excuse me, which publication are you from? STAR? Harakah? AWSJ? Makkal Osai? Penthouse?

Reporter 1
: I'm with the NST Mr. DPM.

DPM: Whatever gave you that idea? It was not an apology. Who said the PM apologised?

Reporter 1 : Why then offer them ex-gratia, if the PM does not feel that they have been wronged?

DPM: So, you come to that conclusion just because of the ex-gratia? I see, I see. Okay, here is what actually happened. Our space programme, you know the one where we sent that, what's his name, to space?

Reporter 1: Yes, that fellow. I also can't remember his name.

DPM: Well the Russian government said that we have been a good client for the prompt payment that we made, so they gave us some discounts. Since we have some extra money, we thought why not we donate the money to some old-folks.

Reporter 1: You mean to say that they were justly dismissed?

DPM: No, I didn't say that. Actually, I did not even know that they were dismissed and who dismissed them.

Reporter 1: It was big news then and you mean to say you were not aware?

DPM: I have always been the type who gives 110 percent in my work so I had no time to dwell into anything that had nothing to do with my ministry. I swear I tell you, I didn't know.

Reporter 1: I find this hard to believe Mr. DPM sir. Is this any indication that you do not want to get into the bad books of the Tun?

DPM: Any other questions?

Reporter 2: The opposition has for a long time been calling for the setting up of a commission to deal with the elevation of judges. At last night's dinner, the PM said that, such a commission would be srt up, does this mean that the government is bowing to the opposition's request?

DPM: Are you sure you are not from Makkal Osai? No, not at all. Actually it is the government who called representative from the oppositions and ask them to make this request, meaning it has been our idea all the while.

Reporter 2: Why do that when you could do it on your own?

DPM: Any other question?

Reporter 3: Has the PM discussed with you the timetable for the transition of power?

DPM: Yes, he called me to discuss the matter but I told him, I have more important things to do, like strengthening UMNO and regaining public confidence in the government. Actually, this transition thing is not important to me.

Reporter 3: You mean you don't mind if the PM continues until the next election?

DPM: Any more questions?

Reporter 4: Do you think the Rakyat would accept you as the next PM since your name was implicated in the Altantuya case?

DPM: Any more questions?

Reporter 5: Mr. DPM sir, where are the police taking reporter 1, 2, 3 and 4?

DPM: Minum kopi kot.

Friday 18 April 2008

Supaya Anda Tidak Mudah Lupa 3

Post ini saya cilok sepenuhnya dari blog tumpang sekole. Ali jangan marah ya, kalau marah nanti masuk penjara, dipukul sampai biru mata.

Selepas bersara, Mahathir fikir Anwar tidak lagi boleh bangkit, tetapi sangkaan
Mahathir jauh terpesong. Mahathir marah Pat Lah kerana terlalu lalai
dengan tugas-tugasnya, hinggakan memerlukan nasihat anak dan menantunya
serta kumpulan Tingkat 4 JPM untuk mentadbir Negara. Mahathir bertambah
marah bila prestasi UMNO/BN yang diterajui Pat Lah hampir-hampir
tersungkur dalam pemilu bulan March 2008 lalu dan orang membuat UMNO hampir tersungkor,tak lain tak bukan Anwar Ibrahim and Mahathir lost his cool...

Mahathir bangkit menerusi forum-forum pasca-pilihanraya untuk mengutuk kekalahan tersebut sehinggalah ke tahap meminta Pat Lah meletakkan jawatannya sebagai PM dan
bertanggungjawab terhadap apa yang telah berlaku. Tapi,who is he to tell Pat Lah to resign as PM, for he is not even an advisor to the gomen or nothing near then that?

Mahathir tidak sayang kepada UMNO, apa yang Mahathir bimbang adalah Pat Lah tak akan bertahan lama dan jika ini berlaku,pembangkang akan memerintah negara ini. Kalau setakat Hj.Abdul Hadi Awang atau Lim Kit Siang atau Wan Azizah menjadi PM,Mahathir masih boleh terima,tetapi kalaulah Anwar Ibrahim naik menjadi Perdana Menteri dekat mana Mahathir nak sorok mukanya?

Mahathir, dengan skrip drama yang disusun oleh para konspirator, dibantu oleh PDRM,Peguam Negara serta Hakim-hakim yang “correct…correct…” dia berjaya menghumban Anwar Ibrahim ke Sungai Buluh. Mungkin Mahathir terlupa bahawa adengan membawa tilam buruk dari rumahnya "Seri Perdana” oleh pihak polis naik turun mahkamah itu serta kempen memburukan Anwar Ibrahim melalui ketua-ketua cawangan dan bahagian-bahagian UMNO dahulu tidak memberi apa-apa kesan terhadap minda rakyat jelata. Sebaliknya rakyat tahu motif sebenar kenapa Mahathir beberbuat demikian, semata-mata demi menjaga dirinya serta kroninya yang menjadi memperolehi keuntungan berlipat ganda daripada projek dan tender yang diberi kepada mereka. Tetapi, sampai bila konspirasi ini boleh bertahan? Enam tahun di Sungai Buluh
bukanlah lama tetapi sudah cukup bagi Anwar Ibrahim untuk menyusun
strateginya untuk kembali ke persada politik negara.

Mahathir khuatir jika Anwar Ibrahim menjadi PM,nasib diri akan berubah,mungkin Mahathir rasa dirinya pula akan terhumban ke dalam bilik gelap di Sungai Buluh,setelah segala angkara kejahatan,rasuah dan salah guna kuasa dibongkar oleh gomen pembangkang yang baru naik.

Tetapi ini hanya satu igauan Mahathir, serta reaksi seorang yang rasa diri dan kedudukannya yang kian cemas. Apakah gomen pembangkang yang bakal naik itu sekejam Mahathir? Anwar pernah menasihati Mahathir supaya memberikan tumpuan menjaga kesihatan dirinya dan memohon maaf kepada rakyat atas kezaliman yang telah dilakukannya.

He is also trying to cool his restless soul and arrest his fear that if Anwar becomes PM he got to lick his own words for telling tales about the possibility of Anwar not becoming a PM in the near future. Sama ada Anwar boleh menjadi PM adalah ditentukan oleh kuasa Illahi bukannya Mahathir.......

Thursday 17 April 2008

Corruption Watch 1

In line with the renewed determination of the government to deal corruption with a death blow, the ACA acted courageously, without fear or favour and within a week, 5 high profile cases are opened. The ACA director said that this would be followed by many other arrests in the coming weeks.

In one of the cases, the director said that the amount of money involved was a staggering RM12.35. It was reported that a police officer manning a road block had stopped a poor beggar who was walking past. Upon questioning it was found that the beggar was walking without wearing an underwear. The beggar who pretended that he did not know that walking without wearing an underwear is a capital offence punishable by death if proven guilty, offered everything he had in his pocket, a whopping RM12.35 all in shillings. As the officer pocketed the money, the ACA's 20 men spying team with the aid of Bukit Aman's elite UTK unit comprising of 25 highly trained masked men pounced on both suspects. It is reported that, that the special joint force had to call in for backup from a nearby FRU unit when the beggar threatened to fight back.

After 3 days of questioning, the beggar finally admitted that he knew he had committed an offence and would be charged under section 32B of the criminal act which carries a mandatory death sentence if found guilty. The police officer , however, was not charged, because the ACA could not determine if he had taken the money with his left hand or his right hand.

In view of this it is reported that the ACA chief had asked the government for funds to buy video cameras to aid them in future raids. An officer said that the video cameras would cost RM135,000 each. The Treasury had approved a sum of RM350 million for this purpose. A company belonging to an accuse in the Altantunya case has been given the tender to supply these equipments which would be imported from Russia and Mongolia.

Meanwhile in Penang, the state ACA announced the biggest success thus far. A council enforcement worker was caught in the act of accepting a plate of Char Koay Teow from a hawker as an inducement for not issuing him a compound for operating without a licence. If proven guilty, the suspect could face life in prison.

The Chief Secretary to the government also announced that 12 high ranking government officers would be transferred, for accepting bribes ranging from RM1.2 million to RM12.87 million, pending investigation. If found guilty they would be fined a week's pay.

A Minister, however, was cleared by the ACA, after it was satisfied that the RM3 Billion he has in a Swiss account were actually money he had saved for his children's education fund. It is believed that the Minister would receive a letter of commendation for being very forward thinking.

Wednesday 16 April 2008

Wringing a confession

I think it was in my second year as a teacher, a little bit wiser, but not that ready to assume very heavy responsibilities, being a young outsider and all. We had always been orang luar, like it or not. I got to understand the local dialect fast enough to understand what was being spoken but not enough to speak it without crawling.

I do not know how the situation is now in Bukit Jawa, Selinsing Pasir Puteh, but in the 70s, a school functioned also as a sort of Bureau of Complaints. What students did at home were also reported to the school and we the teachers were expected to act.

There was this one case that I could still remember though it happened 30 years ago. It gave me a headache because I was up against someone whom I could say was equal to me or it was because she knew that being a male teacher, I am helpless against her.

The kampung folks of a certain kampung reported to the school that a form two girl would always invite her young uncle and his friend into her room late every evening. The MO was that, she would wait for her grandmother to go to the mosque or surau, I can't remember. She would lock the door and then unlock the windows to her room where the two Casanovas would climb in.

It became a big issue and as one of the discipline teachers in the afternoon session I was asked to help the Ustaz to get a confession from the girl. How do 2 men ask sensitive questions to a girl? We were searching high and low to find the exact words to use without sounding vulgar. Initially she did not even admit to having visitors via the window. She was cool and denied every accusation. What got to me was her couldn't care less attitude.

The Uztaz and I reported to the SA that we could not wring a confession out of her. The SA decided to send in the big guns. The whole school disciplinary committee, about 8 of us, all men, were seated at a long table with the girl sitting on a chair a few feet away. I have been in many disciplinary committees and all the time the Pengetua would be present but this particular Pengetua did not see it important for him to be present. What a jerk. Maybe my next post would be on the 2 occasions I had a tiff with him.

The sheer number could have got to the girls nerve and after much shouting and screaming, she admitted to the act of getting the two bastards into her room. The next question after that was what did they do? She insisted vehemently that they were only talking. We pressed her continuously. Sorry, when I say we, it did not include me, I was surrounded by senior teachers, all Kelantanese, speaking the Kelantanese dialect, so I chose to keep quiet and observe. Actually I did not know what to do. I had tried earlier but she made a fool of me. I had to stop because I was afraid I would resort to slapping her and I had never done that to a female before, in fact, ever.

I can still remember how the SA a Mr. Zawawi, searched himself to find the words to ask if they screwed her tail off. After so many attempts at being careful he went like this.
"Dio, dio, dio masok dale mu dok" (literally, did her get into you?). I can still remember those words as if they were uttered yesterday. "Dok, dok" (no, no) she screamed her reply.

I think it was only after that that the committee decided it was good to get a female teacher to question her. What a bunch of MCPs we were. A female teacher was called in to try to talk to her and all us chauvinist pigs left the room. It took the lady teacher the better part of an hour before leaving the room with her confession. Yes, they screwed the shit out of her. Hey that is statutory rape you know, but in a kampung, it was not wise to publicize the matter by making a report.

The matter was reported to the girl's grandmother and a few months after that she quit schooling. I do not know what happened to her after that.

Please do not think that I am trying to belittle the Kelantanese Malays, it's just that I got this experience there. I have other experiences here in Penang, though not that colourful which I may relate in later postings.

Tuesday 15 April 2008

The Second Space Expedition

Samy: I say, pak Lah, thank you very much la for inviting me to participate in this space exploration.

Lah: I don't forget old friends la Samy. The Indians may have forgotten you but not me la.

Samy: Actually DS, still got some Indians remember me la, not all have forgotten.

Lah: Yes, of course. Those who still remember you are those who hate you so much that they can't sleep as long as you are still alive.

Samy: Ayo, why say like that DS? DS, who else going ah?

Lah: Many la, almost the whole cabinet and even that idiot, your old boss. He wants first class.

Samy: He is going also ka? Why you give?

Lah: I am trying to unite UMNO members la. If I don't give, they will say I am cruel. Never mind la, I let him go. I hope that would pacify his stupid supporters. Actually that one is my seat you know?

Samy: So you not going ka? Ayo, not nice la like this DS. I think I also don't want to go la.

Lah: Are you sure? Kayveas going you know?

Samy: Apa? That idiot also going ka? Then he will say he is the first Malaysian Indian to go to space. Okay, okay I go. Please make sure my seat is in front of his so I can say I got to space first.

Lah: Sure la, your seat is in front, got view some more.

Samy: You think I can see Sungai Siput from there ka? No need la, what for want to see Sungai Siput? Those idiots kick me out already.

Lah: Actually I am quite sad you know I can't go with you all.

Samy: Yes, la DS, this is once in a lifetime experience you know? How much ah all this cost?

Lah: We have to buy another 120 Sukhoi, 200 tanks and 500 missles from Russia then only they will let us send you all there at US80 million each.

Samy: So much must spend ka? Why so expensive?

Lah: Yes, la, actually this trip is meant for Singapore, so to potong them, we have to pay a lot la. That is why your old boss wants to go because he can potong Kuan Yew's turn. He said he wants to call Kuan Yew and perli him.

Samy: Macam budak-budak only la that fellow. This one also want to race ka? Khairy going or not?

Lah: He wants to go but I said no. This is a punishment for him for getting all of us in big shit during the last election.

Samy: Good la Pak Lah. When the people know ah, they will say you are a fair man la. very good la.

Lah: They are calling for you all now. You better go or you will miss your rocket.

Samy: Okay, goodbye Pak Lah and thank you.

Lah: You are welcome. Go and have fun.

Samy: ( In the rocket) Hello, Nazri, my seat is next to you la. Look behind there, Kayveas jealous that I got a front seat next to the windows, hahahahahaha padan dia punya muka.

Nazri: Look in front there at Mahathir, jumping in his seat macam budak-budak only.

Samy: Ya la, like idiot only.

Captain: Ladies and gentlemen members of the Malaysian Space mission. We would blast off in a minute's time. Please fasten your seat belts.

Assistant Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, congratulations, we are now in space. Dinner would be served shortly. We would fly by the International Space Station in 2 hours where we will not dock with it. There is a secret Russian Space Station where you would be stationed. You are the first non-Russian to be taken to this station.

Captain: Ladies and gentleman we have successfully docked with Mir Space Station II. Please queue up to get into the station.

Samy: Wah Nazri very nice ah this space station.

Madet: If you think this is nice wait till you see where I bunk, first class is really nice la.

Najib: Tun isn't that our rocket that is fying out into space?

Samy: Yes, la. Why, why that fellow going away? Dia pigi taroh minyak ka Tun?

Tun: Hey Captain! Isn't that the craft we came in? Why is it flying away?

Captain: Don't you know? Yours is a one way ticket.

Samy: Then how are we going home?

Captain: Don't worry, you would be going home.

Najib: I know, I know they all surely won't do anything to us one.

Tun: When would we be going home?

Captain: As soon as your country build your own craft. That's the agreement sir.

Samy: kayveas, Kayveas, die la we all here.

Doa and Prayers Please.

Dear readers and visitors, I received an sms just now in school from Doc Tokasid about Pak Zawi's daughter. His daughter who had just delivered a beautiful baby has been diagnosed with cancer of the cervix. I really do not know the seriousness of the disease and at what stage but I was really taken aback by this devastating news.

Having lost my own brother to cancer last May, I know how he feels and my heart goes out for him. I would like to plead to you to offer your doa's and prayers so that his daughter would recover from this dreaded disease. I know modern medicine is so advanced and the disease could be cured at a certain stage but still the mere mention of the dreaded word would bring any father down.

Let us all pray for her speedy recovery. You could go over to his blog here

Pak Zawi, my doa is with you.

Black 14 - Tribute To Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim

Unceremoniusly, they dumped you
into a filthy drain
they sullied your name
they parade invented shame
Overtime their media work to kill you
They shackle your body but not your spirit
They blackened your eyes but not your deeds

One devil's ego they must satisfy
So another man's life they must destroy
It doesn't matter if his family suffers
as long as that ugly ogre's ego is fed

Lucifer cares not
For Lucifer reigns in his kingdom
His hellish hands conducts
the judicial orchestra
that misses relevance for not
that chose to parade self-stained mattress

In solitary you seek solace and strength
and cried in silence
you missed them so
you long for them
the extension of yourselfless self

Cross the self made calender on the wall
while you wait for the day to see the sun rise

Allah feel the time is right
So he sends a clown to release you
to check Lucifer from burning him

You are what you are
but you can't be who you truly are
for 5 years you must wait
to be what you are truly
A truly free man
Free of whatever manacles that binds you

So many Black 14s have passed
with lighted candles as if in a mass
So many Black 14s passed
Each with impatient hope

This Black 14 is unlike all other
This Black 14 is greeted with light so bright
The brightness of hope
Hope for a new beginning

Monday 14 April 2008

The Downside of Success

It has been quite sometime now that I last wrote something non-political. So I am not even going to mention that word in this post.

What is one main folly of being young and inexperienced? To me it has got to be the fact that one do not have much experience in life to use as guidance when one does something. Let me relate to you one experience of mine where I kind of succeed in resolving an issue but in the process created another.

I started teaching at the age of 20 years and 7 months. Quite young by any standards. I was already hefty then though about 60 pounds lighter than I am now. Maybe I have a fierce looking face or what but even in college, being relatively young, I was opted into the discipline committee during orientation week where I did most of the work though I was not exactly the secretary.

Well in Kelantan in my first year as a teacher in 1977, I was in the afternoon session teaching English, Geography and PJK. I was co-opted into the discipline committee. I was really very strict as a teacher and would not accept any nonsense from my students. They use to call me 'sir bekeng'. I was happy with the way things were, because I got things done easily because my students feared me.

In Kelantan, at that time, when you are an outsider, you have to sort of toe the line and not be too outspoken or even conspicuous. One day I walked into the prefects room and saw a senior teacher interrogating a student suspected of smoking. Oh, yes, back then things were kind of Gestapo like, unlike the present where you are supposed to use psychology, where the rotan is looked upon as a weapon of mass destruction. He was not only a Kelantanese, he was also much senior to me and a local kampung boy who is respected by the villagers.

The boy was a form two student who was quite notorious. Word was that even his father was a gedebe (samseng like. The teacher was having a hard time getting the boy to confess. I was only watching the show, partly because being in my first year, I could not really comprehend what was going on because of the Kelantanese dialect being used. Then the teacher turned to me and told me what had happened. It seemed that he was trying to get the boy to confess for about half an hour. I stood up and banged the table in front of me and shouted at the boy and asked if he did smoke in school. Stunned, the boy confessed, just like that.

I was elated that I managed to get him to confess so fast but when I turned to the teacher, I could see him gritting his teeth, fuming with anger, probably lost of face, because I did it with just one bang of the table. He started shouting abuse at the boy because the boy wasted half an hour of his time. It still did not sink into me that I had hurt a senior teacher's feelings until I got to the staffroom. The teacher was exceedingly quite and kept a distant from me. It was only after a week that another teacher told me that that teacher was embarrassed with what had happened, but he accepted it and things did not deteriorate any further.

Maybe my next reminisce would be the time we tried to get a form two girl to confess letting in her uncle and his friend into her room when her grandmother was in the surau.

Sunday 13 April 2008

Negaraku Aku

Negara ku adalah aku,
Aku adalah negara ku
Kenapa tak siapa mahu mengaku
Yang tanpa ku negaraku kaku
Kaku tak bergerak maju

Negaru ku, aku letak mu di situ
Di situ di mercu
Kejayaan ini kejayaan ku
Bukan mereka yang sebelum ku
Hanya aku
Aku nombor satu

Negara ku, aku pilu
Mengapa mereka berhenti menyembah ku
Mengapa mereka berhenti memuja ku
Adakah mereka tak tahu
Negara ini sampah tanpa aku

Aku tak akan biarkan ini berlalu
Wahai pengganti ku
Jangan engkau bermegah di situ
Sekali ku petik jari ku
Seluruh cakrawala runtuh atas mu

Akan ku dapat semula tempat ku
Di puncak, di mercu
Di puja seperti dulu
Di sembah adalah hak aku
Negara ku, kau tunggu

Perjuangan ku belum selesai

Saturday 12 April 2008

Gamat di Dewan Rakyat

Tahun ini Menteri Pelancuran, oops! pelancungan baru mengadakan semula tahun melawat Malaysia dan dijemputnya ahli-ahli Parlimen dari negara asing ke Malaysia. Kebetulannya Parlimen sedang bersidang dan mereka mintak untuk menyaksikan demokrasi Malaysia in action. Diarahkan Speaker baru untuk mengarahkan semua ahli Dewan menggunakan pantun untuk mempamerkan budaya Melayu.

Tuan-tuan dan Puan-puan YB, YB sekalian
Selamat datang ke ini dewan
Di gallery dewan sila perhatikan
Terdapat wakil-wakil jemputan

Mereka datang hendak melihat
Perbahasan dijalankan dengan sihat
Penuh dengan adat istiadat
Melayu lama yang penuh keramat

Tahun Melawat Malaysia yang baru ini
Program disusun di 8 negeri
Semua disusun oleh Cik Menteri
Lalu di jemput wakil di galeri

Lim Guan Eng:
Wahai Tuan Speaker bijak bistari
Izinkan saya mencelah disini
Malaysia ada tiga belas negeri
Mana pergi yang lima lagi?

YB Guan Eng Ketua Menteri
Menterinya sedang duduk disini
Pada waktu bersoal nanti
Kepada dia tanyalah sendiri

Selamat datang pada semua
Mari lah kita mula berkerja
Sila baca di atas meja
Rang undang-undang baru yang nak ditaja.

Tuan Speaker Parlimen yang bersidang
Kerajaan BN ingin mencadang
Diluluskan suatu undang-undang
Melompat party perbuatan terlarang

Terima kasih wahai YB
Nampak muka tak berapa berseri
Adakah YB dimarah isteri
Atau belum dapat job specs lagi?

Tuan speaker yang baru dilantik
jangan cuba tunjuk cerdik
Rang undang-undang silalah tilik
Nanti kena debik terus balik

Wahai semua ahli berhormat
Sila baca dengan cermat
Undang-undang pencegahan melompat
Sila bahas beri pendapat

Ibrahim Ali:
Tuan speaker yang bijaksana
Saya ingin hendak berkata
Perkataan melompat saya tak suka
Seolah-olah dok perli kat saya

Karpal Singh:
Saya mau tanya sama itu menteri
Ini undang-undang lompat party
Apa pasal dulu ada kasi
Tapi sekarang tak mau lagi?

Ayo Bhai dengar sama saya
Dulu Mahathir banyak suka
Lompat sini lompat sana
Tapi masuk dia punya party saja

Ini sekarang Abdullah Badawi
Lompat party tak mau kasi
Kalau orang lompat party
Serupa macam sudah cerai isteri

Wan Azizah:
Oh begitukah penjelasannya
Diberi pada dewan yang mulia
Izin kan saya hendak bertanya
Takut apa kah yang sebenarnya?

Wahai Kak Wan indah jelita
Izinkan saya mencelah berkata
Kami tak takut pada sesiapa
Cuma kehendak rakyat jelata

Tian Chua:
Terima kasih senator Mashitah
Kerna penjelasan diberi sudah
Dah selesai kah kes tanah
Atau masih naik turun mahkamah?

Tengok lah Tuan Speaker, Tian Chua ini.
Kes dalam kain saya di bawa ke sini
Kalau macam ni sungguh tak aci
Suruh dia keluar lani.

Wahi senator sila bertenang
Jangan pulak nak mula berperang
Oi Tian Chua, apa pandang-pandang
Baik engkau mintak maaf sekarang.

Nurul Izzah:
Kenapa maaf yang perli di pinta
Bukan dia buat salah apa
Cuma sekadar ingin bertanya
Kan itu perihatin namanya?

Apa kah ini semua
Hajat pembangkang yang sudah gila
Mahu menghina si senator jelita
Mari Mashita duduk tepi saya

Jamaludin Jarjis
Tuan Speaker, saya dah marah
Pihak pembangkang bikin karenah
Mengapa nak hina Senator Mashitah
Jealous dia comel dan juga bergetah?

Tenang, tenang YB semua
Berhenti bercakap biar lah reda
Memang Tian Chua bersalah menghina
Mintak maaf lah oi China.

Kit Siang:
Saya bangkang tuan speaker punya cakap
Tuan Speaker sangat biadap
Cakap bangsa-bangsa ini semua manyak tak sedap
Macam monyet dalam lokap

Apa ni, apa ni YB semua
Macam ni semua saya tak suka
Kalau ini diteruskan juga
Saya nak letak jawatan saja

Izin kan beta pulak bertanya
Wahai Perdana Menteri Malaysia
Kalau PM nak turun takhta
Siapa pulak penggantinya?

Wahai Kuli anak raja Kelantan
Perangai huduh macam setan
Kepada engkau tak ku berikan
Kepada Khairy ku beri jawatan

Tuan Speaker apakah ini
Mana boleh jadi begini
Ini semua tak aci
Kenapa saya diketepi

Tuan Speaker saya membangkang
Ini tak adil sangat terang
Khairy dapat saya terkangkang
Nanti bapak saya istihar perang

YB, YB, YB diaaaaammmmm!
Dewan yang mulia jangan di kelam
Peraturan ini saya masih tak faham
Semua bikin saya demam

Dengar sini wahai semua,
Beri lah masa saya bernyawa
Dewan ditangguh pulang lah segera
Nanti dipanggil di lain masa.

Friday 11 April 2008

The Agreement

Kuli: Hello, Ku Li here.

Madet: Tun, here, Why do you want to speak to me?

Kuli: What? I want to speak to you? Who gave you that idea? But I was expecting your call.

Madet: What do you mean you were expecting my call?

Kuli: Det, You don't mind if I don't call you Tun? I am after all a Tengku and Tun means nothing to me you know. It's just too low class.

Madet: Just say what you want to say, I don't have much time. I am a busy man you know.

Kuli: If I remember right, it was you who called me and now you say you don't have time; you are busy; busy doing what? Busy scheming? I know you do that well, too well. Hmm you're busy aren't you then I think the conversation is over …

Madet: No, no don't hang up. Okay, okay, it was me who wants to talk to you but admit it that you wanted to see me too, right?

Kuli: I know it was you who wanted to talk to me badly, and as I said earlier, I was expecting your call. No more airs huh? How does it feel?

Madet: Do you want to rub it in? Then I guess, conversation is really over …

Kuli: Fine with me ….

Madet: No no no no, don't hang up. You really call my bluff don't you?

Kuli: Look Det, I can read you like a book and with the election results being what it is, you are the one squirming the most, not Lah.

Madet: Yeah, yeah go on rub it in. I know you are still ambitious. You may be old but you still want that elusive post and I am in the position to help you.

Kuli: Help me? Oh, I am loving this. You help me? Help me to do what? To save your skin? To get Lah down or to stop Anwar? You are truly afraid of him aren't you?

Madet: Do you want to hear my proposal or not?

Kuli: Or what? What? Say it, say it. hehehehe, Oh I have been waiting for this since 87. Okay what's your proposal?

Madet: You know I still have support, I know you do have some though not much, so why not we join forces and force Lah to abdicate and put Najib there?

Kuli: We work, spend our money, to put that Najib there? Najib? The one who played me out in 87? And just what do you mean I have not much support? Look Det, beggars can't be choosers, so show some humility which I know is difficult for a person like you and I just might consider working with you.

Madet: Okay, I am sorry, I am sorry. Satisfied? Yes, you still have considerable support so together we could get Lah down.

Kuli: You said I am ambitious. That I agree, but despite knowing my ambition you still suggested Najib? What kind of fool do you take me for?

Madet: This is to show that you don't want it for yourself, then, I get some divisions to disagree with Najib and suggest you instead. That would be better then you offering yourself straight away.

Kuli: Look, we may be working together but get this clear, I don't trust you, not one bit. I will offer myself and you agree, then we get our trouble makers to get working. I know you have some A-list bloggers working for you and so with my network we force him down.

Madet: I don't think that is a good idea.

Kuli: I know, it has always been your idea only, well things have changed, you are not up there anymore and we don't actually have much time, Anwar's people are working overtime and should he get into that plump seat, it's you, not me that he will be after. So you still think your idea is better?

Madet: Okay, how do you intend we go about it?

Kuli: Send your man to see me in two days. I do have to go. I am busy you know. Bye. (aside to his aide) That was Tun, as I had expected, he needed my help to get Lah down. Wait till he sees what I have planned for him when I get to be PM.

Madet: (aside) He walked right into my trap. Get ready, it's not gonna be Kuli or Najib or even Anwar, I'll be PM and you will be deputy. Oh son, get my coffee please.

Supaya Anda Tidak Mudah Lupa 2

I first saw this at Haris Ibrahim's People's Parliament and then I saw it again at Zorro's. I thought this would be good for the second part of my Supaya Anda Tidak Mudah Lupa series. No wonder Mahathir is going for Pak Lah. He is afraid that Pak lah's weakness could allow Anwar to seize power and with that your guess is as good as mine. Do give these videos a watch, as a refresher. I am not asking you to swallow it lock stock and barrel. It is all up to you.








Thursday 10 April 2008

Boria Putrajaya

Selepas pilhanraya, Tok ketua kita dok kena belasah kiri kanan dalam luaq. Hari-hari ada saja problem sampai makin clear nampak kulit rambut tu. Dengan hiba rasa, dia pun buat lyrics untuk satu pertunjukkan boria di Putrajaya.
Sebenarnya Bergen lah yang cadangkan dibuat satu post dalam bentuk boria so here's to you Bergen.

Selamatlah datang, pada semua
Marilah bersama, mengikut saya,
Saya memimpin, walau jaga atau lena,
Boria Putrajaya, membuka cerita,

Chorus, repeat above,

Pilihan lah raya, sudah selesai
Banyak calon lah kami, terlentang di lantai
Satu demi satu, kami di bantai
Last last kira tengok, 2/3 tak sampai

Repeat chorus

Dari satu saja, jadi lima negeri
Jatuh kat depa, kami sakit hati
Depa dok mengada, kat kami depa perli
Ada orang tua, tenyeh kami lagi

Mak oi,
Repeat chorus

Perlis jadi pasai, Raja mau orang lain
Shahidan merajuk, menangis terlondeh kain
Baru nak bernyawa, Terengganu pulak main
Idris bawak diri, Agong tak mau sign

Repeat chorus,

Bekas Perdana Menteri, mula buat pasai
Kepada lah kami, semua dia tibai
Dia menyarankan, jawatan kami tinggai
Awat lah hang Tun, perangai macam dajai


Repeat chorus,

Adalah pulak, satu anak Raja
Banyak kali lawan, asyik kalah saja
Nak ambik kesempatan, merebut lah takhta
Dengan musuh lama, kacau sini sana

Repeat chorus

Sabah dan Sarawak, mula naik tocang,
Depa tahu kami, sakit dok terkangkang
Dengan Anwar Ibrahim, depa merancang
Lompat katak lompat, kami depa cincang

Oh Khairy,
Repeat chorus

Ini satu pengajaran, kepada semua
Bila anak anak anda, dah berumahtangga
Kepada menantu, mesti berwaspada
Depa tunjuk pandai, bawa malapetaka

Repeat chorus,

Nasihat ini, kepada semua
Kalau dalam hidup, mahu berjaya
Bila jadi pemimpin, mesti buat kerja
Dalam mesyuarat, hang tak boleh lena

Mak oi,
Repeat chorus

Kiri dan kanan, kena hentam saja
Semua angkara, kalah pilihanraya
Mesti pujuk bini, sama-sama bersara
Dua dua balik kampung, tanam ulam raja.

Repeat chorus

Kepada lah semua, rakyat Malaysia
Maaf kan saya, yang asyik terlena
Kalau di beri peluang, memimpin negara
Sorry kami tak mau, ambik lah kat hampa.
Sorry kami tak mau, ambik lah kat hampa,
Sorry kami tak mau, ambik lah kat hampaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Wednesday 9 April 2008

Rundingan Damai

Pertemuan sudah diatur dan dipersetujui maka berjumpa lah kedua-dua hulubalang sebuah party (macam party tupperware jugak la) politik yang karat-marat yang sudah tak relevan ni. Sambil belayar entah ke mana maka duduk lah kedua-dua panglima Melayu ini dan berbincanglah mereka dengan penuh adat istiadat Melayu lama.

Dagang Pak Malau dagang bertempat
Dagang saya kaki berketuat
Sila lah jamah sedikit ketupat
Nanti berbincang kalau sempat

Mai sini kena pantun?
Saya tak tau pun?

Anak orang jangan di sebat
Nanti mengamuk macam Hang Jebat
Pantun hamba 4 kerat
Mengapa yang tuan hamba hanya sekerat?

Saya ni banyak kerja
Cepat sikit jangan buang masa

Samy Velu sangat marah
Orang kata kat dia pooodah,
Party demam ahli gelisah
Jangan lah kita terus bertelagah

Perkara tu senang saja
Hang resign habis cerita

Chua Soi Lek suka meraba
Ataih bawah tak lepas punya
Tun beraja sungguh lama
Kenapa saya sat saja

Memang aku beraja lama
Pasai kat aku depa suka

Pulun Kedah pulun
Kalau kalah kena balun
Tun beraja berpuluh tahun
Saya dok diam tak kacau pun

Tak kacau hang kata
Team B hang dah lupa

Bunuh diri telan cuka
Suami main kayu tiga
Kalau kat saya sudah tak suka
Kenapa saya di pilih juga

Masa tu yang ada semua tak cekap
Yang layak punya aku dah hantaq lokap

Budak cerdik nama Sofia
Akhirnya jual tubuh jua
Beri lah saya sepenggal dua
Hingga Khairy cukup sedia

Hang dok ingat menantu hang
Anak aku hang nak buang?

Jual tempe kat Samy Velu
Nak bagi kulit putih gebu
Menantu saya jadi nombor satu
Anak Tun tunggulah dulu

Nak tunggu sampai bila?
Sampai dia tua bangka?

Rafidah Aziz jual kereta
Jual kereta jenama Naza
Bila Khairy sudah bertakhta
Di angkat Mukhriz jadi nombor dua

Hang cakap senang saja
Najib tu nak buang mana?

Aziz Shamsudin dah jatuh papa
Bersama Zam depa merana
Najib kita lantik Duta
Pergi bertugas di Mongolia

Hang tak kesian ka kat dia
Nanti di cekik hantu Altantuya

Jual tosai di kedai Samy Velu
Sharizat tumpang jual bahulu
Dari Tun lah saya berguru
Kesian dan simpati letak belakang dulu

Nampaknya kita sudah bersetuju
Mula lah cepat apa yang di tunggu

Sudah tiba musim menyemai
Jin dok tunggu melambai-lambai
Sang Kelambai sudah tunduk berdamai
Bila Tun nak umum di khalayak ramai.

Pan pan
Minggu depan

Tuesday 8 April 2008

Rombongan Berdamai

Ada sekoq mangkok ketua bahagian manakah, yang mencadangkan supaya Pak Lah berjumpa dengan Tun untuk berdamai. Kononnya untuk pati dan bangsa la tapi dia tak cerita la yang kalau parti hancus, sapa nak isi poket dia? Jadi setelah berfikir panjang, PM pun bersetuju dan menyuruh Najib mewakili dia untuk jumpa wakil Tun untuk berbincang peringkat awal. Rombongan PM yang diketuai najib pun bertandanglah ke rumah Tun dengan penuh adat istiadat Melayu. Najib pun berbaju Melayu, bersamping sampai Rosmah naik curiga. Di pinjam pulak keris daripada Hishamudin dan berangkat lah rombongan dari Putrajaya.

Samy Velu membeli pedang
Jalan balik terkangkang-kangkang
Dari Putrajaya datang bertandang
Hendak berjumpa Pak Hulubalang

Rombongan mengintip orang berkhalwat
Terguling-guling telanjang bulat
Maaflah kami kurang beradat
Sebab kami mamak pekat

Buang anak berbidankan Mak Esah
Balik rumah kena belasah
Pekat cair kami tak kisah
Nak jumpa Hulubalang nak hilangkan resah

Buka tingkap sekodeng che Nyonya
Che nyonya hot bernama Sonya
Hulubalang keliru ingin bertanya
Resah gelisah apa angkaranya

Terketar-ketar seram rasanya
Dudok menunggu To Mudim buta
Janganlah terus nak bersandiwara
Tepuk dada tanyalah selera

Terpekik terlolong lari menjerit
Tersungkor jatuh ke dalam parit
Dada hulubalang baru dioperate
Takut tepok terbuka jahit

Pagi-pagi buka blog Pak Bakaq
Duduk di kerusi sampai berakaq
Wahai si kanyaq awat kurang ajaq
Nanti gigi bertaraboq kena penampaq

Tunggu Tok Mudim sambil telanjang
Duduk terketaq atas batang pisang
Jangan lupa adat bertandang
Jangan tuan rumah hendak diserang

Pedih mata di sembur lada
Kepala berdarah dipukul chota
Maafkan hamba terlanjur kata
Hamba cuma bergurau senda

Che Nyonya seksi bernama Sonya
Samy nak tackle mengenyit mata
Soalan tadi yang hulubalang bertanya
Masih belum ada jawapannya

Mat Rempit accident cedera parah
Hidung lekang tangan patah
Kalau kita terus bertelagah
Parti dan bangsa mendapat susah

Tunjuk perasaan kat Samy Velu
Dia tak jaga orang Hindu
Itu memang saya setuju
Parti musnah kita miss soru

Pergi ke Kelantan membeli budu
Budu ori bukan yang tipu
Kalau kita sudah setuju
Bila dan mana mereka bertemu

Duduk di gua sambil bertapa
Mintak ilmu pikat anak dara
Isnin depan mereka berjumpa
Di ladang kami di Argentina

Pergi ke ladang membawa baja
Baja subsidi yang songlap punya
Isnin depan orait punya
Tapi di bungalow kami di Ostolia

Mat Rempit menangis patah tangan
Patah kedua, kiri dan kanan
Argentina tidak Ostolia pun jangan
Jumpa di kapal Ananda Krishnan

The Queen of Soul - Aretha Franklin

Monday 7 April 2008

Here's to you, kid.

There comes a time in a man's life when he gets tired; tired physically; tired mentally and tired emotionally. I have come to that stage in my life. I am physically tired. I am 52, with high-blood pressure, diabetes and fistular. I am also prone to asthmatic attacks though not serious and I suffer from fatigue easily. I need a rest.

I have been writing almost daily taking a break only when my brother died almost a year ago. I have been writing to pour my heart out about how I feel about my country; I have been writing about the politics of this country; I have been writing about the dramas I see being acted out; and of late I have been writing about the elections, pre and post, I need a rest.

I feel jaded, I am frustrated about what's going on, I am disgusted about how one would cling even to the weakest of twig just to hold on to power; I am disgusted about how when already out of power, one strikes relentlessly as an act of retribution for fear of having his legacies dismantled; I am sick and tired of how low some sycophants would stoop just to please their bosses; I am sick of being sick.

I want to take a break, to do some soul-searching. I want to take a break to rest my battered body, tired mind and disgusted heart.

I want to rest to decide that if ever I started blogging again, would I follow the same course that I had taken this past year or so or start fresh on a new course which I myself don't know.

All I know is that, I need a rest. I have made so many new friends, the closest of whom are Doc, Tokasid, Shah Cakapaje, Ahmed Kerpov the Arsenal lover, Mat Salo the swamp man,Zorro my blogging guru, Elena of Acciaca2ra the retired musician and strong mother, Raden Galo, the iron lady and my sister, Pak Zawi the wise man from Kelantan. Asil an occasional visitor and many more.

So to all my friends, consider ourselves lucky that we have friends because there are so many lonely people out there. Funny, sometimes even amongst friends we can be lonely.

Actually it was this clip that prompted me to make this decision. I asked myself what Beatles number do I like best and Eleanor Rigby strikes out of no where. Yes, amongst all the Beatles classics, I love this song the best. It could be for a reason. Amongst all the Beatles members I like John Lennon the best, though this song is primarily Paul's.

Please stop for a while in what ever you are doing to give this song a listen. The melody and lyrics, at least to me, is haunting.

So till we meet again, when, I don't know, being fickle, it could be tomorrow, here's talking to you kid, adios muchachos, astalavista baby, chow chin chow, na poite ware and may ALLAH save and bless this country.

Update: You see what happens when you name people? You more often than not forget. Now I want to mention his name and he may think its because he commented. It just slipped my mind. Amongst those I consider my blogging friends is Bergen. I have a lot of respect for that guy and I hope he knows it.


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