Sunday 28 February 2010

Barang baik one.

Deserter: Wah lucky la I left my old party, if not how to come to Washington free of charge?

DoubleJay: That's why la. You should have joined us earlier. If you had joined us before the elections, you wouldn't have so much problems?

Deserter: Don't talk la you. If I had joined before the elections you think you all would pick me ka? Surely you pick some Gerakan or MCA fella one.

DoubleJay: Aaah, let's not talk about those things la. Let's finish our work first, then we enjoooooooooy!!!!!!!

Deserter: Hey, that barang baik also got come here ka?

DoubleJay: Sure got come la. For work and entertainment. We all, when overseas, always got fantastic entertainment one.

Deserter: That is why I follow you all here because I heard barang baik is also coming.

DoubleJay: Ok, ok, let's do our work first. Everytime they ask you question, you say AI is not good. You make stories la. I'm sure you know how to make stories.

Deserter: You don't worry about that la. I had plenty of practice when I was a sarkas party member last time but remember, tonight, I pakai barang baik first ah!!

DoubleJay: Ok la, you pakai first.

(At Night)

knock knock knock

Deserter: Is that you sayaaaaang?

BB: Yes la abang. Open the door la.

Deserter: Ok ok. Waaaaa!!! Sayang, you look simply sumptious tonight. I feel like I want to makan you right here at the door.

BB: Eh eh abang, don't be gelojoh la. Let's go in first.

Deserter: Sure gelojoh la. You janji 10 o'clock now 11 baru you datang.

BB: I was on the way here at 10 but suddenly DoubleJay grabbed me and pulled me into his room la abang. I cannot tahan him la. He smells of curut. You tak hisap curut kan?

Deserter: No no I don't like curut, faster faster.

BB: Be patient la abang. We have the whole night.

Deserter: Oh, Epol, I can't wait la.

Monday 15 February 2010

Potong Shop

Man1: Hey really ka this shop got cheap BMW?

Man2: Betoi, I tell you, just last week my friend bought a Merc for very cheap.

Man1: Then how come not many people here? If really cheap one sure got plenty of people here what?

Man2: That is because, they don't have cheap cars everyday. When got then only they will advertise secretly.

Man1: So they told you today got la?

Man2: Yes, last night they called me, they say got good barang one.

Man1: How come they sell so chep one? The cars all stolen ka?

Man2: No la stolen one they send to Thailand or Singapore, this one accident one. If got accident car, they potong la. One potong in front, the other potong behind then they sambung la, but their workmanship very good one, no one can know the difference one.

Man1: I don't care one whether potong or sambung as long as I can get a BMW cheap. Come go in.

Man2: Hey, Ah Hong, got ah the one you called me last night?

Hong: Aiya Kassim, why you so late? I just sold that one la. Who this fellow with you?

Man2: My friend la. He wants to buy the BMW.

Hong: I say sorry la, sold already. Camry got la.

Man1: Good or not? New one ka?

Hong: Sure good one. We can give you guarantee some more.

Man1: Got grant or not? Nanti I want to do road tax kena sangkut pulak.

Hong: I say, kawan, cannot sangkut one. All kow tim already. JPJ and PUSPAKOM sudah makan one. Don't worry la.

Man1: I really wanted a BMW la but Camry also can la but must see first la.

Hong: Jom lets go.

Man1: Go where?

Man2: Go see the car la.

Man1: Why not here ka?

Hong: This car baru siap only, now they all polish so still in our workshop la, come I show you, you like, we arrange everything, 2 days can take already.

Man1: Okay lets go. Far ka?

Hong: About 2 hours la.

Man1: Waa, your workshop in the jungle ka?

Hong: Yes la, where can potong in the open? Here the Camry, you like or not?

Man1: Waa! Very nice ah. Hey Ah Hong, lorry also you potong ka?

Hong: Got, but this month no lorry.

Man1: That one, so long one, not lorry ka?

Man2: Yes la Ah Hong, that one there at the back?

Hong: Aiya that one ah, my mechanics made mistake so they send back la.

Man1: Make mistake, but you say sure okay one.

Hong: If car can la but this one submarine, first time we try, all okay already, but suddenly after delivery cannot dive, so they send back la. Rugi la this one.

Man1: Waaaaaaa! Submarine potong also got ka?

Saturday 13 February 2010

Friday 12 February 2010

Austerity Drive

Director: Ok people, take your seats and be silent please, the minister would be here in a minute.

Minister: Good morning and please be seated. That was a nice breakfast you served and the dances were superb but I would like to to stress that we are currently running on a poor man's budget.

Officer: Meaning sir?

Minister: Good question there. From now on, I don't want all these welcoming functions with expensive makans and dances and fireworks. No more renting of canopies. We are on an austerity drive so we must save wherever we can.

Director: Do you hear that people? The minister doesn't want wastage. I told you all about this but you are stubborn.

Officer: But sir, it was you who....

Director: Shut up and don't interupt me when I am talking. Be seated and let the minister finish what he has come to say.

Minister: Thank you. From now on there will be no more overtimes. If you need to work extra, we will replace with a day off for every 6 hours of extra work you put in.

Officer 2: But, we all have a lot of commitments.....

Minister: Shut up! Don't interupt. There will no more be mileage claims. You will all be paid RM26 flat per month for mileage.

Officer 3: But even one trip could cost us more than that?

Minister: I know that is why I have ordered that there be no more courses or meetings or briefings. Use the internet. There will be no more phone bill claims.

Officer: How are we going to call people then?

Minister: Don't call them. If they need you, they call you. Use email to contact them. No more airconds from tomorrow onwards.

Director: But sir, this office is completely closed, my people would die.

Minister: Never mind, I have already allocated RM5 million to renovate this office to put in a few windows and add a few fans. My brother's company would be coming in to do the renovation tomorrow.

Officer 4: But we use up only about RM2K a month for electricity? Wouldn't RM5 million be too much?

Minister: Shut up. What do you know about economics? I know better, that is why the people elected me.

Officer: Are we going to lelong the present airconds?

Minister: No, the units will be donated to a few UMNO Bahagians and this office is responsible to pay their electricity bills. Director, reserve about 10K amonth for these.

Director: But sir....

Minister: Shut up, no buts. On my way in, I saw that the compound is just not up to the mark. The gate is old and the guardhouse is just like an outhouse. I am using RM10 million of the poor people relief fund for a new guardhouse and landscaping. My brother's company would handle that. So people, I would like to remind you that we have to serve the people and we should do that by not wasting. All allocation should go directly to the people. Any questions?

Officer 6: Sir, I hope you wouldn't see this as a waste but our toilets are old and not up to the mark. This would not reflect well on this department sir.

Minister: Oh, that's bad, that's bad. We don't want the people to think lowly of us. How many toilets do you have?

Director: 5 sir.

Minister: Hmmmm 5, ....... Okay I'll use up 30 million of the OKU unused fund to upgrade the toilets. RM5 million per toilet and the other 5 million is to upgrade the surau.

Director: But we don't have a surau sir. There's a mosque just outside the gate. Our people and visitors use the mosque for prayers.

Minister: Oh, that is a mosque outside there? No, no, I don't want our people to leave the premise for prayers. Mr Director get a 10x10 area for a surau. Of course my brother will handle this. Okay, I am done. Ahmad come lets go to the mosque outside there. I hope we could find something to repair. If there is any, I'll allocate 35 million, 34 for my brother and 1 for your second wife.


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