Tuesday, 1 April 2008

Ahmed Kerpov

It was like any other day in my life: talking to friends about the Reformasi movement; blasting Mahathir again and again and still not satisfied; smoking like hell as I talked knowing these sticks would probably kill me one day, just the drill. "En Nazir", I heard someone calling me and felt a tap on my shoulder. "I am from the special branch", he continued. "Oh yeah, what branch? Rambutan, manggis, langsat", I retorted, thinking it was my friend. I turned around and to my horror, there was this long-haired skinny guy who I have seen loitering around the area the past month or so. He was with a very unfriendly looking burly gorrila and they must have been taught that smiling is a sin. "Please follow us", the guy said softly but still with authority.

Lets say all that I tried to get those two goons to let me go failed and in no time I was seated at the back of their car, handcuffed. Damn were those cuffs tight? Very soon they took it upon themselves to hood me. I was a liitle disoriented, feeling the car moving but not knowing where I was. It seemed like a lifetime and by the third time I got up from my sleep, I was ushered out of the car. We took a long walk, I could still remember taking many turnings and walking up the stairs. The door opened and I felt a push on my back and I was sent flying. I must have hit someone because I heard him shouting out in pain. Considering my weight, I was not surprised.

They took the hood off me and the glaring light in the room discomforted my eyes. I heard a groan and turned to my left. There was this man holding his ankle and grimacing with pain. I must have fell on his ankles I thought. " Are you okay, did I fall on your ankles'?, I asked. He stared at me as if suspiciously but did not say a word.

The door suddenly burst opened. That was the first time I saw him. The burly goon who had apprehended me earlier wheeled him in. "Mr. Nazir, I am Ahmed Kerpov and I am here to give you a rough time", This was all too much for me, first I was literally abducted, now this wheelchair guy with a strange East European name addresses me and tells me that he intends to give me a bad time. Oh no, this can't be real. "Ah, doctor, meet your fellow inmate En Nazir, you would be spending a lot of time together. I see the both of you haven't had dinner yet and I don't intend on giving you any".

"You are a doctor? Sorry to give you that swell, anyway I am Nazir, and you"? I said, while holding my hand out to introduce myself. "Tokasid, doctor Tokasid, and do you know what the fuck are we doing here? Who is that Kerpov guy and what has he got against us and why did he get the special branch to get us"? he answered while shaking my hands.

We didn't talk much because there was just nothing to talk about. We were, should I say, suspicious of each other. Who knows, he was planted there to spy on me? Obviously those people wanted something from me and maybe they thought that I would open up to a fellow 'inmate'? The door opened again and the same gorrila forcibly handcuffed us and pushed us out of the room. We were pushed and shoved to another room. Ahmed Kerpov was waiting for us.

"I am sure you are wondering why I got my people to bring you here", he said with a sinister smile. I did not say a thing and neither did Doc. " Shah, ask Salo to play the dvd", he ordered a smaller built guy next to him. The room was darken and then the white screen in front of me turned bright. I was shocked, it was a Manchester United vs Arsenal game. The dvd ended with Man Utd humiliating Arsenal. "Ha, I see you are smiling Mr Nazir, by the time I am over with you, you will not find this amusing at al. Salo, bring that scum here. Now say, 'I hate Manchester United, say it. Say Arsenal is the best team in the world' say it, say it", he shouted and I felt a smack on my face. I was sent sprawling in the floor. I got up and spit in his face. "No, I will not say it. Manchester United is the greatest. Arsenal is a bunch of pussies and Arsene Wenger works part time selling his arse", I shouted angrily and began to laugh. Then I saw him getting into a fit. I am sure he couldn't take it. He fell off his wheelchair and started writhing on the floor. He was foaming. "Kill him, kill him" he screamed. Mat Salo pointed the Magnum at my head. As he was about to squeeze the trigger, the door burst opened, a naked Angelina Jolie rushed in followed by Charlie's unclothed Angels.

I saw that Kerpov couldn't take his eyes off the naked Angelina as he was wheeled out of the room handcuffed. "Wait", Doc shouted. "This is your fight with Nazir, why am I here then? I am no Man Utd fanatic"?, Doc queried. I brought you in just to complete the set, you me, Shah, Mat Salo and that Man Utd lover.

21 comments:

tokasid said...

Tokasid;

Hold on Angie!Before you take that Kerpie away all of us need to do something first.

Shah: Yes...tokasid is right. How dare you you take kerpov before we take our revenge.

Matsalo: Wait guys. I need to take my camera out first..Damn! Where's my D40? Cilaka! I left it in kalimantan.

Angie: Guys!Guys? what do want to to to this sicko Arsenal fan?

Che'gu: Hahaha...okay here's the deal. We'll let you go on one condition. Now you do the ketok ketampi on your wheel chair and say MU the Best 10 thousand times.

Matsalo;(to himself)I left my camera in the swamps! I left my camera in the swamps....

Ahmed kerpov: Hey come on la Nazir!! You know its impossible to do ketok ketampi while on a wheelchair laa...

Che'gu: Okay...but you have to say MU the Best 1 million times instead.

Ahmed kerpov: Hey Nazir....50 thousand times cukup laa...

Shah: Come on la kerpov..you kidnap us and blindfolded us and make us walk like Apek and marjinah...you want a discount some more ah?

matsalo: I left my camera in the swamps.....

Tokasid: Che'gu , how about this kerpie said it 100 thousand times but he belanja us at kayu nasi kandaq?

Che'gu: Kayu mana sedap...better go to Line clear .

Ahmed Kerpov: Okay!Okay! Line clear ka line tak clear ka I don't care.Its a deal...I belanja nasi kandaq...

Che'gu: Okay its a deal. But you still have to say MU the Best. lets go..

Shah: Jom...mat? matsalo?

Matsalo: I left my camera in the swamps......

Che'gu: Laa...awat salo ni? macam gila mereyan saja.....

Zawi said...

Che'gu,
A new breath of fresh air when Semi Value is no more the regular fare. Love it as much though football is not my kind of game anymore. Tennis with Maria Sharapova and Anna Ivanovich are more fun to watch hehehe.

cakapaje said...

Salam Cikgu,

MS: My camera, my camera...

Shah: Ahmad Kerpov (AK), since you got us into this mess, now you have to bring MS with you where ever we are going?

AK: *$)&%@! How to...? I'm on a wheelchair!

Cikgu: We don't care lah; whether he pull you or you pull him, or even if he sits on you, you better bring him along.

Doc: Hehe...MS sitting on AK in a wheelchair? Lucky thing I brought along my Nokia70! (evil grin)

Cikgu: See AK? Now if ever you become a senator or MP, we have you by your balls already! Now, let's go...

MS: My camera, my camera...swamps.

Everyone slaps their forehead, except for AK; he keeps knocking his on the metal bar of his wheelchair.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

A total discrimination!

Cikgu nazir, that talkOnly guy, the witch doctor TA and most definitely another one to come from the swamp. You’re all guilty of insulting a minority group, the Russian-malaysian community…hehehehehehehehe…

Good one cikgu. But this could only happen in weird dreams. The naked angie jolie, nude angels, Man U the greatest these are all dream-materials…heheheh…

And oh, should have brought along that Talkonly guy and transform him into a Mahathir fan this morning. He deserve that.

Nasi kandar all around whenever docTA’s in town. I can foresee it to happen sooner than we anticipate?

Monstermom said...

Keh!Keh! Good one cikgu! Man U forever!!! Awat tak nyanyi lagu tu se'round'?

Kata Tak Nak said...

MS: I left my camera in the swamps, I left my camera in the swamps, I left ,,,, what? Angelina Jolie? Naked?

Kata Tak Nak said...

Zawi,
Yes, that sharapova is real cute, as far as tennis is concerned I am not much into that game.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Shah,
50 Dalil Mengapa AK tak boleh jadi Perdana Menteri.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Kerp,
Transform Shah into a Mahathir lover? Well, I don't know about that. Hey, come on naked Angelina Jolie and Angels, what could be better?

Kata Tak Nak said...

monstermon,
Yes, Man Utd Forever. If only we could all sing it.

cakapaje said...

Lol!

AK, even as you become pals with TDM - hence your first step into politics and political career, you have been shot down! lol!

Kata Tak Nak said...

Shah,
Well what do you say about the picture of MS riding AK? That is one Dalil, now we have to concoct 49 more. Must get Yusof Chong to impersonate AK to call Angeline Yam and tape the conversation, that is one more Dalil. Aah, 48 more dalils isn't hard to find. Oh that bugger is dead already ka? Must get a professional hired writer to write the book. Hmm where do I get a stained mattress and an uncompleted Condo?

Mat Salo said...

Mampuih.. aku dan Kerp dah kene dah.. I'll have to redeem myself with my next blog enitled: "Mather Lovers" hehee...

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

i tell you what would be better than watching Jolie and the angels naked; Man U to fall...hehehehehheheheh...

shah, first step into politics- meeting the real deal premier politician, no matter from which angle some may look at, he is the THE politician.

ok i better get the hay outta here before cikgu gives me the broom.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

one more cikgu, angelina yam? gimme some credit la boss. hehehhehehe...

cakapaje said...

AK...Angelina Yam? Whoa...!

Cikgu, now we have 47 more dalil to go!

Kata Tak Nak said...

Kerpov,
Okay we take out Ms Yam, what about a csrtain ms karin?

Kata Tak Nak said...

MS:
Welcome back from the swamps. Tapi Ms kan, although you come back from the swamp, you come back not as swamp man but as loaded man. Hope you would be on dry land long enough to catch up with things.

Actually I was thinking what to write for April Fool and when I saw what was up at Kerpov's I thought why not, I am sure you guys are sporting enough. Thanks for being a sport

Kerpov,
The same goes for you, thanks for being a sport.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Shah,
Lagi 47 dalil bukan susah nak cari. Cari saja orang Ameno, bukan 47, dia buleh bagi 470 dan masih ada lagi untuk spare.

Thanks for being a sport to you and doc too.

wanshana said...

Hahaha! Good one, Che'gu, but the bit on naked Angelina Jolie and Charlie's Angels??!!! You lost me there...Hahahaha!

Hmmmm...Do I see a lot more "counter-postings" between Ahmed Kerpov and Che'gu Nazir coming our way?

Kata Tak Nak said...

Wanshane,
I don't think so because this is an April Fool's article. Kerp is a sport, that I give to him.

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