Saturday, 4 August 2012

Please La Sir

Mad Man: Sir, sir, please spare me a few minutes.

Man: Ok, what is it that you want? I'm sure you don't need money. In fact I think it's you who could spare me some money.

Mad Man: No sir, I don't need money sir. Yes, I can spare you any amount you want sir.

Man: Really? Then why are you stopping people like a beggar? I've been observing you for about half an hour. I see, you stop almost everyone walking down this road. You put up that sad face of yours and show a picture. What picture is it.

Mad Man: This picture sir. See, see, do you recognize this man?

Man: Yes, I do.

Mad Man: Please  sir, he is my father. In 2008, his heart was broken sir, so please sir don't do the same to him again sir. Please la sir, please la, I beg you la sir. Please don't break his heart again la sir.

Man: What do you want me to do then?

Mad Man: Vote for BN sir, please. Vote for BN so that I could be the MB and mend my father's broken heart, please la sir, please, please, please sir, I beg you sir, please sir, you want me to kiss your feet also I can do la sir, please, please, please sir come back, sir please la.

Monday, 30 July 2012

Monday Blues

MKT: DS, we are having problems with the civil service. They are not too happy with spiraling prices.

DS: Okay announce a 1/2 month bonus to them with a minimum of 500. Give 500 to the pensioners too just in case. What else?

MKT: The Felda people are none too happy with their present situation too.

DS: Felda too? Okay announce a special bonus. Make sure the total is under 50 mil. Next?

MKT: Sir the people are screaming mad with the National Day Logo and theme song.

DS: I thought so. I am also angry. Change the logo. We will see what we can do with the song and lyrics and tell Rais to not ever come out with any lyrics, even for his wife's birthday song.

MKT: Sir 2 of our MPs from Sabah has defected.

DS: Sack them. Make them look bad. Do we have any people who look like them so that we could come out with another sex tape?

MKT: No, sir, none.

DS: Get me Saiful then.

MKT: Sir, PR pledged to do away with duties for cars.

DS: Get our people to say that we will go bankrupt if duties on cars are done away with. Oh shit, this is a lousy morning.

MKT: Sir, is the elections still on for September?

DS: No, no, hold all preparations. I have got to call someone. (dial phone) Hey Ah Seng, ah, saya mau pinjam sikit duit boleh ka? Aiya mau election ma. Sumua duit sudah habis lor. EPF pun sudah talak duit, Apa? Petronas? Tak boleh lo. Itu orang tua sudah kasi sama dia punya anak ma. Apa gadai dia punya barang? Lu gila ka? Lu mau kasi wa mati ka? Tak boleh ka? Takpa la.

MKT: Sir, the elections?

DS: Call the AG and ask him to see if it is possible for us to have the elections in 2020.

Sunday, 29 July 2012

Awards Galore

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, Dollah Badawi was called the Flip-Flop Prime Minister for being notoriously fickle but even he couldn't beat this. Yes, the National Day Logo is being changed for something else.

What? National Day Logo? Changed? Just about a month before the event? Yes, yes, and yes. The million dollar question is Has this ever happened anywhere else in the world? Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, nope, can't think of any precedent being set anywhere else in the world.

Oh I see, this must be another one of those efforts to get ourselves into the Guinness Book of World Records famously initiated by Koyakutty, I can't remember, The Great. Well congratulations to the BN government. You have just got yourself into the Guinness Book of World Records in 4 categories.

Category One: The 1st government ever, to have changed their National Day Logo.

Category Two: The last government ever to have changed a National Day Logo.

Category 3 : The ONLY government to have ever changed a National Day Logo.

Category 4 : The stupidestest government ever to have sullied the Earth because it has to change it's National Day Logo.

Actually, the people at Guinness missed 4 more awards. The same accolades should also be given to the Information Minister. Sorry Rais no awards for you. I am sure you worked very hard for the nation to have been given such prestigious recognition.

At press time, the people at Guinness has just informed me that we are way ahead in the Worst National Day Theme Song Lyrics category. They told me that this category could only be finalised after the 31st of December but they strongly believe that we would win hands down.

How could I not be proud to be a Malaysian?

Saturday, 28 July 2012

Breaking News

Just In

The United Nations would be celebrating World Peace day on the 30th of February next year. To show their seriousness at making the world a truly peaceful place they have adopted the slogan 1 UN WE KEEP OUR PROMISE. 

A delegation is now on their way to Kuala Lumpur with the musical score for their theme song. They would meet the Information Minister who was tasked with getting the lyrics done.

According to an unnamed source, part of the lyrics goes like this:

One UN, One UN
We keep our promises, We keep our promises
So please remember us, Please,please remember us
One UN, We keep our promises.

Thursday, 5 July 2012

Sunday, 17 June 2012

Butoi ka boss?

Wife: Kay, why aren't you ready yet? You don'y want to vote ka?

Kay: I don't feel too good la honey, you ask Maniam to drive you there la, I am too tired of campaigning for so many days.

Wife: Why you think you can win ka? So confident one. Everybody said you are going to lose and yet you yourself don't want to vote.

Muthu: Yes la boss, come la we all go and vote.

Kay: Muthu you shut up. You are not going anywhere, you stay here with me, let Maniam take my wife there.

Wife: It's your own funeral la Kay. Okay I am going now. Maniam take the Mercedes out, we are going to vote.

Kay: At last the old lady is out, she won't be back for a few hours, Muthu get dressed, lets go out.

Muthu: Why boss? Want to vote ka?

Kay: No lah, we go find pomple la.

Muthu: Find pomple ka boss? Where?

Kay: Anywhere accept the polling centers la.

Muthu: Why boss? Polling centre la got a lot of people.

Kay: You stupid la. All ugly women only go to vote because the indelible ink would dirty their fingers. I heard, the ink won't go off for 2 years la.

Muthu: Butoi ka boss?

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Application For Waiver

Minister of Transport

Director General,
Ministry of Transport
(should the minister be not free)

Dear Sir

I would like to point to the minister's reply that he was awarded the plate no WWW 15, meaning he was given a waiver from paying sum of RM24K. I am sure as a learned man, he had written to the Director requesting for a waiver, but being a very forgetful man, he forgot about it when first confronted by the press but he has now cleared the confusion by his revelation that, he got it for free.

I am sure this is not restricted to VIPs only since the government has time and time again boasted that that it is a fair government having the people's welfare at heart.

Being from Penang, I have long been fascinated by a certain plate no but I am sure it is going to cost me an arm, a leg, a nostril, an ear and maybe even a pair of testes if I were to bid for it.

Since there has been precedent of special numbers being awarded for free, and since this is a caring and sensitive government, I hereby formally request to be awarded the special plate number PUK 2. You can have the one with the number 1 because I am not that special.

Thank you in advance.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Just another Wednesday

PM: Ok ministers, enough with the chatting, our weekly meeting's about to start. Secretary, what's the 1st agenda?

Sec: The reports sir.

PM: Reports? What reports?

Sec: Those reports sir. The ministers are suppose to brief you on the ....

PM: Aaaah yes, the reports. Ok, ok. Minister5 please tell me about the fishing project that your family was given. I understand, the government gave you 370 million to start a fish project so that we won't be dependent on fish from Thailand.

Minister89: What? 370 million? My family was given only 200 plus million only.

PM: That one for meat, not all take meat. Hindus don't take that meat, this is fish, everybody eats fish. Ok minister5, your report please.

Minister5: Thank you PM. First I would like to thank the PM for having faith in my family by giving us this unsecured loan. We are presently sourcing out for some sampans and nets.

PM: Ok, good, good, there is progress here. How much have you spent already?

Minister5: Actually we have used up all the loan and we would like to ask for another about half a billion to carry on.

Minister102: You are only sourcing out for sampans and the money sudah habis ka? How come?

PM: Yes, I would like to know. Good question Minister102.

Minister5: Actually, we have bought a few office lots in Dubai for our office and a few Condos and penthouses in Dubai, Qatar, Singapore, KL and Haadyai. Then, we purchased some BMWs and 2 Ferrari for my son the CEO. Of course there are travelling expenses, hotels, entertainment, credit card bills and the obligatory donations.

PM: Oh, you have donated? Good, good. Have you caught any fish yet?

Minister5: If you approved the additional half billion loan, then I am certain that after buying some more office lots and condos in New York, Paris and London, we could start buying at least 5 sampans to start but to motorise the sampans, I am afraid you would have to add another 2 to 3 hundred million more.

PM: Ok, ok, we would look into that and I would get back to you later.

Minister7: PM, could you give my family an unsecured loan of about 700 million to start off a belacan project so that we wouldn't have to import belacan from the Falklands anymore?

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Public Enemy

Spy1: Boss, we have cornered the suspect.

Boss: Where? Do not do anything yet, wait for my instructions.

Spy1: At Brothers Barber Shop Sungai 2 boss. I think he is trying to change his hair style to fool us.

Boss: Good, stay with him and wait for back-up. A platoon of marines from the US of A will be with you soon.

Spy1: Why do we need the marines for boss? We could do it ourselves.

Boss: Shut up you fool. Don't you know that he is dangerous? That;s why he is high up in the most wanted list.

Spy1: But boss, we have 30 men fully armed, why hire marines from the US of A?

Boss: They are the best, anyway, they only cost 50 million a day.

Spy2: Boss, suspect is coming out of the barber shop and is taking his Suzuki scooter towards TESCO Sg 2.

Boss: Stay with him, I repeat, stay with him, the marines are at the traffic lights in front of TESCO, they will get him there.

Spy2: Okay boss, roger and out.

(After 10 minutes)

Spy1: Boss, we have apprehended the suspect. He was about to make the exchange when the marines stormed in. Only 5 civilian casualties boss. Caught in cross-fire boss.

Boss: Good. Never mind about the casualties, collateral damage. Did you get everything on video? We need the video in court to prove this dangerous transaction.

Spy1: Yes boss, in HD some more.

Boss: Good, we will make sure he rots in jail. Anyway, did you get the evidence?

Spy1: Yes, boss, the RM200 book voucher is now in our custody.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Calling For Freedom

If you love peace and justice and if you believe we Malaysian can live together irrespective of race, religion and colour then you must see this.

Monday, 9 January 2012


NOT GUILTY says the judge and also the millions of level-headed justice loving people. Only UMNO arseholes believe otherwise. Of course they will appeal but that is for another day.


Just in case UMNO arseholes do not know how to count, how many do you think came? 1 hundred? 2 hundred?


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