Friday, 29 February 2008

The Rescue

Samy: Hello, hello, Datik Seri? Haiyo thank god, I got you. Please la Datuk Seri, do something. Please!

PM: Calm down, calm down. Take a deep breath. Okay, slowly tell me what's wrong. What's all the commotion there?

Samy: Ayo, Datuk Seri die la myself this time. I sure die la.

PM: Calm down Samy, tell me what's wrong so I can help you. Where are you now?

Samy: I am in Prai la Datuk Seri.

PM: What are you doing in Prai? You are supposed to be in Sungai Siput?

Samy: No time for that all la Datuk Seri. There is a mob of about two or three thousand people surrounding my car la Datuk Seri. They are all very angry. They are knocking my car. The police cannot do anything. Please la, Datuk Seri, do something.

PM: Okay, calm down, is your body-guard with you?

Samy: Yes, but he also cannot do anything. Ayo kadawale, po chi dah.

PM: Who else is there with you?

Samy: Kayveas, that's all.

PM: Kayveas? Since when you all become good friends?

Samy: Ayo, Datuk Seri please la, I'll tell you later, if I make it alive la.

PM: Let me speak to Kayveas.

Samy: Hey, idiot, he wants to talk to you la.

Kayveas: What idiot? No, no not you Datuk Seri. I will never call you idiot. I was talking to Samy. Sumpah! I swear, I was not calling you idiot. Upon my father's grave la Datuk Seri.

PM: Okay, what is happening really? Is the situation really that bad? Samy is known to blow things up a bit.

Kayveas: Quite tense la, Datuk Seri. We really need help. I don't know how long the police can control the situation.

PM: You mean, the situation is under control at the moment?

Kayveas: Yes, the police have kept the thugs about twenty metres away from the car?

PM: 20 meters? Samy said, they are knocking at the car?

Kayveas: No la Datuk Seri but if reinforcement doesn't come soon, it will come to that.

PM: How many thugs?

Kayveas: About one or two hundred, at most three.

PM: That idiot said about two thousand?

Kayveas: No la DS, but please send help.

PM: Oay, stay calm, help should arrive in about 10 minutes. I have contacted the base in Mata Kuching to send a heli. Stay put.

Kayveas: Thanks Datuk Seri. Do you want to speak to Samy? No? okay.

Samy: What, what did he say?

Kayveas: A heli will come in about 10 minutes.

Samy: Ayo, I hope it comes soon la. This all your fault la. You told me to come here and try to win the Indians over. See what happens.

Kayveas. Adei mote paile, I am trying to help the BN la. If we can settle the MIC problem, everyone gains la. I don't care about you or your MIC. Ungrateful Indian.

Samy: What, ungrateful? Who you think you are? You think the Indians love you ka? Maybe those thugs are your people? You send them to kill me?

Kayveas: I am not like you la bloody samseng botak. You got no hair, don't cover with that paper fan shape toupee la. Malu only

Samy: You wait la Kayveas, when everything is over, I promise you, I'll get PPP expelled from BN la.

Kayveas: When this is all over, MIC would be dead already la.

Samy: What dead? You think PPP will be strong ka? Don't dream la Kayveas.

Kayveas: Podah old man. Nobody listens to you anymore la. You are history la.

Samy: Shh, what's that sound? I think it's a heli la. Yes, yes, it's a heli. We are saved. Ha, ha, ha, ha, thank god. Driver, drive lowly to that heli.

Kayveas: Hey, Samy don't run la. Slow down.

Samy: Are you coming or not? Faster.

Kayveas: Never mind, you go first la. I'll take my chances. I'll go by car.

Samy: Are you mad? They will kill you la. That's your business la. We will wait only 2 minutes, if you are not on the heli, we will fly off.

Kayveas: Never mind, you go. I'll stay.

Samy: Any last wishes ah? Ha, ha, ha,

Kayveas: Go la, don't talk much. Hello, Hello, Datuk Seri? Yes, Kayveas here. Yes, the heli is here. Samy is on it.

PM: What about you?

Kayveas: Never mind la Datuk Seri, I'll take my chances la.

PM: Why?

Kayveas: I think I stand a better chance of making it to KL by car than by that NURI.

Wednesday, 27 February 2008

What If They Are Not In Politics?

I wonder what would these people be if they had not gone into politics. Guess who they are..

1. He becomes a doctor but sadly is now behind bars. It seems that he was sued by 23 women for insisting on personally shaving their pubic hair for a sinus operation. A fighter plane and submarine fanatic.

2. A taxi driver without a permit. Tried to steal a few hundred permits and is now banished to Grik.

3. Currently serving time for share fraud. In prison, specialises in making paper fan shaped toupee.

4. A technician with a cctv distributor.

5. A counterfeiter cum part-time actress. Specialises in crying scenes. Started off forging APs.

6. Also in prison for passing himself off as a royalty to con tourists. Tried to run from the law by undergoing plastic surgery but ended up with a permanent swell in the lower lip.

7. Buys surat khabar lama. Did not finish school because stammers badly.

8. Works for an umbrella research company. Only has to talk to the umbrellas. Says, if you can't afford the umbrellas then don't buy them.

9. Also serving time in prison for trying to con an international cosmetic company. Claims that his tempe can make the skin fairer and raise the nose bridge.

10. Works for an international pharmaceuticals as a guinea pig for sleep disorder ailments. Can go for days without waking up.


For those who score full marks, a certain Mr. Rashid of SP&R will sponsor them to stand as candidates in the coming GE. He will donate 20000 votes. You have the choice to pick the constituency that you like.

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

Katataknak is One Year old Today

It is now, at the time of typing this entry, 9.03pm 26/2/08. I was just going through my previous posts when I suddenly had the urge to go to my very 1st post entitled Mari, Mari, Mari and guess what, it was dated 26/2/07. Hey that means Katataknak is 1 year old today. I went to the About Me section, it said that I have been blogger since Jan 2007. I don't know how that happened. Maybe I opened the account somewhere in Jan and started posting on the 26th of February. Well, what do you know, Katataknak is 1. When I first started I never taught it would last this long.

What made it possible is my readers and my new found friends. I do not want to name names for fear of missing a few. I value all your comments and above all your friendship. I have truly found a new life in blogosphere. If, I had at any time, I am sure I had, offended anyone, accept those I did intent to offend, I offer my sincerest apologies. Please forgive me.

To all of you thank you so much.

Addendum to Manifesto

PM: I know you would rather be in your respective constituencies but I call you all here because the feedbacks we got are not very encouraging. Let me be ruthlessly frank, it is very bad. Unless we do something drastic, we are not only going to lose the 2/3 majority, there is a realistic chance that we may lose.

Samy: Aiyo, DS, I am already having a big headache, don't joke la DS. I don't think this is a good time to joke la.

Rafidah: I scraped through nomination day by the skin of my teeth and am still peeing uncontrollably and you find it amusing to pull a prank on us ka? Bad timing la DS.

Najib: What? What?, What is it that is disturbing? Has it got to do with the Altantunya case? Where is my passport ah?

PM: Idiots! This is not a joke la. Am I laughing? Do I look like I am enjoying myself? We are in big trouble and we have to do something fast.

Shahidan: SB report ka DS?

PM: Yes, anyway, I was up all night, and you know I have never ever done that before, brainstorming with our think tank and they have come out with a suggestion that may work.

Samy: May, only ka DS?

PM: Yes, it could help us halt the slide.

Rafidah: Well, if that is the best solution, then just do it, why call us all here. We have work to do you know.

PM: Because it involves all of you la morons. That is why I call all of you here. I don't want Samy's toupee to fall off or you to suffer from your incontinence la Fidah when I make the announcement.

Nazri: Don't talk in riddles la DS, what suggestion? What announcement?

PM: The think tank feels that they have identified the main reason for the slide. To halt this dangerous slide, they feel that there we should give the voters a stimulus that could help swing the votes back.

OKT: This is a caretaker government, we can't give bonus now.

PM: Who is talking about bonus? Anyway, we don't have the money to give out bonuses. If we had don't you think I would have done so before dissolving the parliament?

KTK: What stimulus did they suggest?

PM: They said that this drastic, never attempted before, strategy could be our last chance to salvage any chance of outright victory.

Nazri: Please la DS, no more riddles, what is it?

PM: They asked me to go on live television today and announce an addendum to our manifesto.

OKT: Yes, la, I think our manifesto contains nothing new. It's the same as 2004. What is it that they want us to add DS?

PM: Our new Cabinet.

Samy: Before the elections? A cabinet announced even before the elections? I think that is a good idea. The people would know who the members of the cabinet are. They would be more confident. I think your think tank is brilliant la. I agree DS.

Rafidah: If it is only that, I don't think he would drag us away from our constituencies la Samy. I have a bad feeling about this.

KTK: Yes, me too.

PM: You should because none of you accept me is in the list.

Najib: Not even me ka? Where is my passport ah?

Rafidah: Samy, Samy, Samy, Samy, somebody call 911 please.

Sunday, 24 February 2008

I Promised My Dad To Be A Good Boy

SPR: Good morning, please have a sit. So you are here to hand in your nomination papers? You are not from the BN are you?

Oppo: No, I am not from BN? Why? Is this place for the BN only?

SPR: Do you know that this seat has never fallen to the opposition before?

Oppo: Is that so? I heard the last time around the majority was quite slim. I think I have a fair chance. Don't you think so?

SPR: Oh, you think so do you? It's quite difficult to beat the BN people la. The resources that they have will overwhelm you. You will suffocate. They, the BN people, didn't meet you for a discussion?

Oppo: A discussion? What discussion? Are we supposed to do that?

SPR: Oh, a friendly discussion between adults. You know have small talk, getting to know each other better and who knows discuss something that is mutually beneficial?

Oppo: Small talk? Something mutually beneficial? Er please, I am a little bit slow you know, what is it that could be so mutually beneficial?

SPR: Who knows, while getting to know each other, you could discuss something, what they say, win win?

Oppo: Win, win? I don't get you? You mean, I win, and they win? How could that be?

SPR: Well, let's say, while walking or when entering your car, you suddenly stumble upon a bundle of money that strangely no one lays claim to. The amount I heard is quite handsome. Let me rephrase that, very handsome, enough to make you decide why the hell should you go through so much hassle, headache, not to mention heartache, and in the end, lose?

Oppo: Could that happen? Could I suddenly stumble upon a bundle of money, or suddenly find a bundle in my car? Hmm, strange. I thought that only happens in movies?

SPR: Art imitates life. They get the ideas for movies from what happens in life. Who knows this could be your lucky day? I think, there is a good chance of this happening to you. If I am not mistaken I thought I saw bundle somewhere? Looks like quite a big bundle.

Oppo: Wow, a big bundle. Must be heavy?

SPR: From what I saw, I am sure it is very heavy.

Oppo: My late dad had made me promised, just before he died, not to take anything that is not mine. If I had not promised that to him, I would be tempted. What could I do, a promise is a promise, don't you agree? I am sure you yourself wouldn't go against a promise you made with your dying father, would you? Anyway, my papers are all ready, I can't possibly back out could I?

SPR: Oh, I think that could be arranged? You could suddenly or accidentally add some extra numbers to your address or change some letters to your name or maybe even smudge your papers with ink, or the classic, fail to produce your IC? I would recommend the last one. Works all the time.

Oppo: Hmm, interesting. You seem to be very enthusiastic, I sense more then just one bundle is is at stake here?

SPR: Oh, during election times, there are so many bundles. Some do get misplaced you know but I can assure you that the other bundle is not as big and heavy as the want that you are about to stumble upon.

Oppo: I think I'll stick with the original plan.

SPR: What a pity, you've come to the end of the rainbow and chose to give that pot of gold a miss.

Oppo: Yeah, what a pity. Shouldn't have made the deal with my father. I wonder why my father made me promise him that? He has always been a righteous man you know? I think he was trying to tell me that it is wrong to take something that doesn't belong to me. Can you please go through my papers then? I am sure you will find everything in order.

SPR: Okay, let me have them. Hmm, everything seems to be in order. Okay, thank you mister righteous. Sure you want to leave the rainbow? Oh, by the way, after this you could still decide to pull out. Maybe ill-health? If it was disillusionment with your party, the bundle could be bigger you know. Maybe even double. I could give them your number?

Oppo: Thanks but no thanks. See you on election day.

BN: He agreed?

SPR: Nope, he is sticking.

BN: Anything not right with his papers? A missing comma, an undotted 'i'?

SPR: Nope.

Saturday, 23 February 2008

Service Addicts

I am so touched by the spirit shown by some UMNO leaders. These are selfless people. They dedicate their lives for the sake of the people. Imagine spending their own money to go up and down the capital, to insist on being the chance to be the people's representative? I mean where do you get such god-sent angels? Their desire to serve the people and country is unmatched. History has nothing to show to even come near this show of soul-sacrifice.

Come on; let's take the office where many of us work. The coffee is provided, the biscuits are provided, and the coffee maker belongs to the office. Would you fork out a dime towards this? No? I guess so. The office needs someone to lead the staff on a project that requires you to work day and night, getting very little sleep and yet you have to come to work the next day. At the end of the month your pay-slip shows the same figure as last month's. Would there be volunteers? Would you volunteer? No? I guess so.

Do you know why? Do you know why you would not volunteer? You are not an UMNO state representative or Member of Parliament. You are not an MIC representative, you are not an MCA rep and neither are you from Gerakan.

These great souls, god-sent angels, work their arse off for the people. They hardly get 4 hours sleep a day. They sacrifice family life, staying away from their family for days at a time. All for what? For a meagre few thousand a month? No, it's for that feeling of satisfaction that they get, knowing that they have served. Serving is in their blood.

What happens when that privilege is taken away from them? Like hardcore drug addicts deprived of their fix, they go on a rampage. They rant and rage and go wild. They go up and down and up and down to Putrajaya demanding their god given right to serve the rakyat. They cry, they plea, they threaten and they kneel, all for the right to serve the people and the country they love so much.

What nonsense have I been up to? No this is no nonsense. Just read the papers, watch the news, surf the net and all is there for you. You can read of people willing to burn flags of their party because they are no longer allowed to serve the people. They are willing to pay for buses, to get loads of people to go to state capitals and the Federal Capital to show how much this load of people long for their service. They are willing to lose their dignity, going up to the Capital to meet the Head Servant of the country up to 7 times to demand the right to serve the people whom they had been serving for so long.

The trouble is that, these service addicts, do not trust that others could serve as well as they had been doing. They pity the people. They are afraid that the service by the new service servants would not be up to the quality of the service that their people have been used to.

Oh, how they bleed inside them thinking how these new servants might abandon the people that they loved so much. How, they weep thinking of the long, dreary, empty and lonely days they would face not being able to do what they do best and that is to serve.

Given the choice, they would want to serve and serve and serve until they drop down and die. Then they would die with a smile, knowing that they have executed their god-given duty to the fullest. Ask any of them, it is not the money. Anyway, what is money? They could get money by doing an honest day's work. No, it's not the money, it's the gratification they get by seeing the smiles on the faces of the people they had served.

Anyway, the bungalows and Mercedes and Swiss accounts are just incidentals they pick up along the way.

Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles living for the city

Let us take a break from politics for a bit okay? It's Soul Time.

Russel Peters said that when God decided to make Africa a difficult place with the heat and the desert and the poverty, He decided to compensate the Africans with a little extra in the Penis department.

With this two, when God decided to take away their sight he gave them extra SOUL.

Just too much soul man, too much.

Friday, 22 February 2008


The PM has finalised his list and many Ministers and Mentris Besar have been dropped. They all gather at Putrajaya to protest their exclusion. Some were sad, some were speechless, some were angry, and yet some were suicidal. They heard that the PM would consider their plea if they could convince him that their candidacy would help the party (or the PM). The PM enters with KJ.

PM: So you are all here to appeal your exclusion from candidacy? I am sure you know that you have to convince me why I should take you back. I have good and bad news. The good news is that, I still have some vacancies left. The bad news is that they are very limited. It can't accommodate all of you here. Who wants to start first?

Shahidan: Apa ni DS, saya dah lama jadi Menteri Besaq Perlis. Saya dah buat macam-macam kat Perlis. Apa yang DS sughoh saya buat, saya dah buat. UMNO di Perlis kuat. Pilihanraya lepaih kita sapu bersih semua, pasai apa gugoq nama saya? Awat pasai saya tak dak bini muda ka? Awat bini Azmi tu comel sangat ka? Awat pasai dia ada bini muda dia buleh jadi Menteri Besaq ka? Bukan saya tak mau kawin lain tapi bini saya tak mau mati lagi. Untung la depa, bini depa mati awai. Dapat bini muda, cantik, lepaih tu dapat jadi Menteri Besaq. Ni tak adil DS.

PM: Macam ni hang mau aku pilih hang? Belum apa lagi hang dah peril aku. Awat hang ingat aku suka ka bini aku mati? Aku sayang kat dia hang tau?

Shahidan: La, saya silap cakap la DS, saya bukan kata kat DS, saya kata kat Azmi. Saya tau DS sayang kat arwah. Tolong la DS, malu la saya. Selama ni saya dudok di rumah besaq, ada jawatan tinggi, semua orang hormat. Kalau tak dapat mana saya nak buboh muka? Azmi nanti perli saya haghi-haghi tau. Oghang nanti dok panggil saya MB pencen. DS mau apa, habaq saja, saya bagi.

PM: Aku dengaq oghang perlis tak berapa berkenan kat hang. Depa kata hang sombong, hang suka poya-poya, tunjuk act. Kalu aku ambik hang jugak, kita buleh kalah punya.

Shahidan: Takkan DS tak tau, depa dengki kat saya. Depa cemughu pasai saya berjaya. Takkan tak tau peghangai oghang Melayu. Dengki, busuk peghot. Alah, poya-poya tu semua oghang buat aih. Kalau saya bagi buntin pun, saya buat sengap-sengap, sapa pun tak tau. Yang artis-artis tu bukan saya yang goda depa, depa yang goda saya. Ntah tang mana depa nampak saya ni segak sangat?

PM: Tu, Azmi tu aku nak tauk mana?

Shahidan: Tauk la tang mana pun. Dia bukannya gheti sangat buat kheja? Tolong la DS.

PM: Ni ada ghamai lagi, aku KIV hang punya dulu.

Shahidan: Ala DS, tolong la.

PM: Ni, aku KIV ni pun kegha bagoih hang tau, aku tak reject teghoih. Nanti KJ jumpak hang. Sapa lagi?

Samy: Datok Seri …

PM: Yes, Samy, you are dropped, why are you here?

Samy: Like this la Datok Seri. I think I want to change seat la. Sungai Siput too hot for me now. Many people saying bad things all about me DS. I tell you what la DS, you give me Kapala Batas and you come to Sungai Siput. Like that means dua-dua kawasan kita bule menang punya. Apa macam DS?

PM: So you want to change with me ka? I tell you what, I put you in Permatang Pauh and transfer Firdaus to Sungai Siput, you want ah?

Samy: Ayo DS, why say like that. I die la there. Anwar will tear me to pieces la. Some more there got many Indians. Ayo, please la DS for old times sake. Kita sudah manyak lama kawan apa.

PM: Don't waste my time la Samy, Sungai Siput or Permatang Pauh, which one you want?

Samy: Sungai Siput pun Sungai Siput la. Ini macam kawan ka? Saya manyak tolong sama DS sekarang ini macam bikin sama saya ka. Kulit lupakan kacang punya orang.

PM: Who next?

SL: Datuk, Datuk please, before you say anything listen to me first.

PM: Okay Soi Lek, 2 minutes.

SL: If I change my name can ah? I already discuss with Samy. I change my name to Muthu and he is willing to let me stand under MIC. Can or not?

PM: Next!

Zakaria: DS, saya tak puas hati ni. Kenape dengki sangat kat saye ni. Saye pandai buat duit saya kaye la. Takkan sebab saya kaye, ade rumah besar lucut kelayakkan jadi calon?

PM: Dah bagi kat menantu hang, hang mau apa lagi?

Zakaria: Itu menantu, saye mau untuk saye. Menantu saye tu bukan nye baik sangat. Die tu pro Mahathir. Jangan la bocorkan rahsie pulak. Jangan pilih die, bahaye.

PM: Sudah saya tak mau dengaq lagi.

Zakaria: Kalau gate keretapi tak tutup dan orang mati jangan salahkan saya pulak. Ingat, ini Zakaria ni.

PM: Next!

Jasin: DS, DS apa khabar? Sihat?

PM: Lah hang ka? Aiee! Dulu mata kiri tertutup, lani mata kanan pulak?

Jasin: Ha, ha, ha, DS melawak dengan saya ka? Tolong la saya DS. Kalau saya tak bertanding, jangan kata anak balak, cucu balak pun saya tak buleh import. Tolong la. Nanti semua kastam nanti ludah muka saya ni. Sumpah kalau saya bertanding kali ni, saya sepatah pun tak cakap dalam Parlimen dah. Saya dudok diam saja.

PM: Next!

Mukhriz: DS, saya tak puas hati, saya mintak Langkawi, bukan Jerlun. Jerlun tu ulu, macam mana saya nak tinggal di sana? Nak bunuh saya ka?

PM: Awat, bapak hang sughuh hang mai rayu? Kalau nak rayu, buat la macam nak rayu. Ni mai garang satu macam, nak arah-arah orang pulak. Oi, lani aku PM tau, bukan bapak hang. Tu pun aku bagi jugak. Kalu aku tak mau bagi hang nak buat apa? Oghang dah bagi Jerlun, pi Jerlun la. Awat hang ingat Langkawi tu bapak hang punya? Awat pasai situ selamat, hang mau la. Pi la Jerlun. Kalau hang bagoih sangat, oghang sayang sangat kat bapak hang, depa undi la hang. Hang mau Jerlun ka tak? Kalau tak mau, aku bagi kat Soi Lek. Okay, sudah, aku dah letih ni. KJ, take over.

Thursday, 21 February 2008



FP: Good morning sir. You look extremely handsome this morning sir.

DPM: You are an angel yourself you know. Where are you from? Are you by any chance from Mongolia? I love Mongolians you know. Actually Genghiz Khan gave the Mongolians a bad reputation you know. Mongolians are surprisingly not rough people. I simply love them, especially their ladies. Ha, ha, ha, er, come nearer, don't be shy. I usually don't like to give interviews to the foreign press you know but how could I refuse such an angel.

FP: Thank you for the compliment sir, actually I am from England.

DPM: England? You remind me of my student days. Oh, how I love those days. We had so much fun then you know. Ah, yes, those were the days. How time flies. I used to be quite good looking then you know, not that I am not one now, but the hair is receding a bit and greying a bit here and there.

FP: Why don't you dye your hair black sir?

DPM: I know, but these pesky Islamists at home. They frown on it. Tell you a secret, I would love to dye it green, all the way down to you know where, you get what I mean, ha? Ha? You want to see where? I don't mind showing it.

FP: Er, how's the missus sir?

DPM: Please don't spoil such a beautiful morning.

FP: Anyway Mr DPM sir, some people say there is much animosity between you and the PM, is this true?

DPM: Now, how do I answer that? Let me answer it this way, if he were to die, I would be the first to throw a party. Don't worry, leave your number and I'll make sure you'd be invited. We have skinny dipping here too you know.

FP: It's that bad? No I don't mean the party; I mean your dislike for him?

DPM: I am sure the feeling is mutual. I am sure that no good SIL of his is doing all he could to get rid of me. That no good monkey. You know the opposition calls him a monkey? You know why? Because he behaves like one. Unrefined, that fellow, really unrefined and uncultured. He may have been to Oxford but he is still a kampong boy.

FP: Aren't you supposed to be TDM's choice? What happened? Why did he choose the present man?

DPM: You see, when it was time for the old man to go, I was the only one he could count on not to create trouble for him and his children. Sure, I would do anything for the premiership. I can't be bothered what he had done during his tenure. That's his business. Well, anyway, I kinda had a reputation to be a ladies man with my share of scandals but in this country, we cover them up real good you know. The police, judiciary, ACA and even the Pejabat Agamas are in our hands so my exploits were swept under but these UMNO busy-bodies, they know what I have been up to. So you could say I am kind of tainted. Anyway, I am still pretty young, as you can see, so the old man thought that it would be better for me to wait a while. He asked me to my house in order; get better support from the grassroots, so he made a deal with old-sleepy head. The deal was he was to take over for one term and then hand the country over to me. That was not a rumour you know. I know because I was there.

FP: Hmm, interesting. Is he going to honour that agreement?

DPM: If it was up to him, I think he would have honoured it. Look he is no statesman, no Gandhi or Kennedy. He gets his chance to boast around that he is PM, gets his pension and maybe retire to Australia with his new not so young wife. Imagine, remarrying and choosing fifty something for a wife. If it were me, I'd get someone young and pretty and sexy and voluptuous with boobs that's sure to suffocate, like, like you? Anyway, the old man discounted one important factor.

FP: What is that?

DPM: Hannibal Lector.

FP: Hannibal Lector?

DPM: Yes, the others may like to call him monkey, but I call him Hannibal. He eats people up, that fella.

FP: You mean the SIL?

DPM: Yes, who else could do that? Well this upstart started having visions, much like the Tun, visions of grandeur. He wanted the cake for himself. He persuaded sleepy head to hold on until he is ready to take over. The old man, thinking that his SIL is god sent fell for it and there goes my chance.

FP: You mean to tell me you have no more chance now?

DPM: Nothing is impossible but it's going to be tough. Now I am not only up against the old man but against the whole government machinery headed by Hannibal himself.

FP: You still have the support of TDM don't you?

DPM: The Tun is a spent force really. 82 and 2 bypasses don't actually do wonders you know. His own past makes him susceptible. The RCI threatens to open the closet you know. I know they were only teasing him. They really have much more on the old man so he has to be careful himself. I can't depend on him too much. That's where the Submarine and Sukhoi deals come him. I need money to mount an attack.

FP: You mean the submarine and Sukhoi deals are tainted? Every deal in this country is tainted. Every one of us takes commissions. As for the Sukhoi deal, we brokered to have the Russian send one of our boys to space. You know the Malays went ga ga. Wow, a Malay in space. We made sure that it was a Malay so that we could lull all the kampong folks. While they were ogling into space we screw their backsides and they don't even feel it. Malaysians and their Malaysia Boleh. I have to thank the Tun for it you know. It's the perfect lullaby.

DPM: What about Altantunya? Hmm, this is dangerous information you know, suffice to say she is collateral damage. I really have to go. This is my private number, you want to know more, call me. We could even meet in Paris.

Wednesday, 20 February 2008


Imagine what would happen if the "Oh God, I can't lie" curse or wish, whichever way you want to see it, in LIAR LIAR hits our ministers at press conferences everywhere. How would their responses to the press be? Of course it must be the foreign press. The local press has no balls.


Qt: How would rate your performance as PM thus far?

PM: Well, Malaysia is not yet bankrupt but we will be if we go on this way. Actually I don't have a clue as to how to run a country. Luckily I have my advisors and of course my beloved and intelligent Oxford-trained son in law and his Oxford trained 4th floor buddies. Just imagine if they are not around. I would have to work. That is scary isn't it? I mean I have to actually lift my finger and work and lose all those precious sleeping time.

Qt: Since you said it first, people accuse you of sleeping on the job, that can't be true could it?

PM: Yes, I sleep everywhere and whenever I feel like it. I have been doing it ever since I was in school. That was why I flunked my economics in UM and had to switch to Islamic Studies. Sleeping is fun, it is nice, and it is the opposite of work. What could be better than sleeping?

QT: About the elections, is not allowing Anwar to run, one of the main reasons to hold the elections on 8th March?

PM: No it is not one of the main reasons, it is the only reason.

Qt: Why? Why are you afraid of him?

PM: Look even with the ex-con tag and being not eligible to stand, he can still create havoc. Imagine what would happen if I allow him to stand. The opposition would, as in the past, make him their choice for PM, that would persuade many to give the oppositions a try. As it is right now, it is either Lim Kit Siang or Hj Hadi. These 2 choices are not as attractive as Anwar, don't you think so? Anyway I don't like him. I know he didn't do all those things that Mahathir accused him of, but I still don't like him. I am older and yet Mahathir chose him over me, can you believe that?

Qt: Was there a gentleman's agreement between you and TDM to hand over the premiership to Najib?

PM: Yes.

Qt: Then why are you not honouring it?

PM: Are you out of your freaking mind. If I were to say no, do you think Tun would choose me? He may just decide to stay on and there goes my chance of becoming PM. Anyway, it was a verbal agreement. There is nothing gentleman about it. After all that Tun has done and the way he treated Anwar, not that I care, do you think he qualifies to be called a gentleman? Now they are calling him a statesman. If I had allowed the RCI on the Lingam case to be truly independent then those who call him a statesman would be kicking their own arses la. The things he did to the judiciary.

Qt: Then why didn't you?

PM: Why did he do that to the judiciary? So that he could have them in his hands right? How did he manage to get rid of Anwar? By controlling the Judiciary right? So why should I give away so much power? Who knows maybe one day I may have to use the Judiciary to get rid of someone? Who knows, maybe Najib, or maybe even make use of the Judiciary to run Tun down himself. He can't complain can he? He did exactly that when he was in power. Anyway that would be poetic justice wouldn't it? People say I am not very clever. That I admit but I have learnt a lot from TDM, especially the dirty things. I am just using it and tailoring it to my needs and style.

Qt: Does that mean you are also thankful to TDM?

PM: Of course I am thankful. He took care of the police for me. They don't work for the people but work for the government. He gets corrupt people for the ACA, so easy to control. He gets corrupt AGs so I could control who gets charged and who don't. Like Tun in his time, I can ensure that my friends don't get charged in court. Of course I am thankful to him.

Qt: Now he is making a lot of noise, does that hurt you and what are you doing about it?

PM: Yes, la, that bloody old man. Actually he is sore because we all forced him to go. Anyway my clever son in law has a plan. We are slowly killing all his supporters. You see in UMNO, without the support of the PM, you are dead. If you squeeze these people, they would come begging to you. That was what he did to Anwar's supporters. Many came kissing Tun's feet because they could not take the squeeze. Some are already kissing my feet now. Once I tightened the squeeze, many more would come crawling back to me. That is UMNO.

Qt: Some say that the SPR is not an independent body. It is a branch of the ruling government.

PM: Of course la. I have given them strict instructions to ensure our victory. Tun also did the same thing when he was in power that is why you don't hear him complaint so much about the SPR. Actually I am very thankful to the SPR for my record-breaking victory in 2004. Tun also had a lot to thank the SPR in 1999, otherwise koyak la we all.

Qt: So they are not impartial?

PM: Don't make me laugh la.

Qt: Is your list of candidates finalized? Will you still be in Kepala Batas? Would Khairy be a candidate?

PM: Khairy and his boys are vetting the list. I really don't have the time for this trivial matter. Actually its very boring la. I get a headache seeing so many names. Anyway Khairy is capable. He knows who is good for me and him and who is not. Yes, I would still be in Kepala Batas. Khairy will decide if he wants to stand or not. If he says, he wants it, then I have no objections. After all he has been doing the PM's job all these while.

Qt: Some say that Mukhriz was endorsed by Langkawi UMNO to stand there but then others say no. Your comments?

PM: Why he wants Langkawi? Why, because it safe with all the Myanmar voters there? It's up to Kedah la, they will send in their recommendations and Khairy and the boys will do the rest. If you ask me, I would rather he takes me on in Kepala Batas as an independent.

Qt: During last year's massive flooding in the south, you only visited the victims very late. Where were you?

PM: You all like to make a mountain out of a molehill la. I was also south, but a little further south la. Some friends invited me over yachting in Australia. There is plenty of water there too. So between the dirty flood waters and dirty slimy unhygienic flood victims and the warm waters of the south coupled with a luxurious yacht and good food, where do you think I would be? Come on man, I know people were making an issue out of it. I have a life also you know? I have already taken leave so I go on leave la. Even if there was a Tsunami I would not come home early. I deserved the break you know? After all there are millions of UMNO members at home, let them work la. If I come home early it would stop raining ka? Sorry it is already 10am. Time for my tea and kuih, and a two hour sleep after that.

Tuesday, 19 February 2008


Penghulu: Selamat datang YB. Saya rasa bertuah la YB sanggup datang ke kampong kami dan sudi pulak bertandang ke pondok saya yang tak seberapa ini.

YB: (Berbisik) Jangan la nak berdrama pulak. Pondok tak seberapa? Rumah Banglo, 8 bilik 9 bilik air kau kata tak seberapa? Kenapa, nak lagi ke?

Pengulu: (Berbisik) Apa salahnye YB, kalau nak bagi saya ambil. Hey, YB pun apa kurangnya? Baru sepenggal dah ada Banglo di KL, ada 4 Mercedes, dah lah tu bini baru pun ada. Bukan saya tak tau YB kawin pompuan Indon umur 18 tahun tu?

YB: Celaka kau Borhan, yang tu pun kau tahu? Siapa yang bocorkan cerita? Leman?

Penghulu: Hai, mulut manusia YB. Okay, kita nak mula dah. Assalammualaikum semua penduduk Kampung Pulau Dudok. Kita rasa sungguh bertuah yang wakil kita YB Muslihat b Dasyat sudi mengunjungi kampong Pulau Dudok ni. Walau pun YB ni sibuk, beliau tetap berusaha mencari masa untuk bertandang dan bertanya khabar. Saya harap sebelum tamat pertemuan hari ini, YB mungkin ada sesuatu yang nak di hadiahkan kepada saya, eh, silap, kepada kita penduduk Kampung Pulau Dudok. Kita tak mau membuang masa jadi kita mulakan dialog kita dengan YB sekarang. Kalau ada apa-apa pertanyaan, jangan malu, jangan segan, tanya. (berbisik) jangan risau YB, semua dah kaotim.

Pak Man: Salam YB, saya nak terima kasih la pada YB sebab 3 tahun lepas, masa saya minum kopi di kedai Saat tu, anak buah YB si Ijoi tu tolong membayarkan bil saya sekali dengan duit mee gorengnya sekali. Terima kasih la banyak-banyak YB sebab perihatin.

YB: Ya Pak Salam, apa, silap? Pak Man? Oh, tersilap saya, maklumla sibuk sangat sampai tersasul nama. Bukan tak ingat, tapi tersasul. Saya memang dah suruh dah kat anak-anak buah saya supaya tolong orang-orang kampong ni. Saya terhutang dengan penduduk kampong ni yang menyokong saya seratus peratus. Ada siapa lagi nak cakap. Kalau tak ada saya nak balik dah ni.

Pak Abu: Salam YB, terima kasih la YB sebab 2 tahun lepas YB kirim 3 ringgit bila saya dapat anak yang ke 13 tu. Walau pun YB duduk jauh dan sibuk sanggup juga YB kirim duit tu.

YB: Apa, Pak Abu? Pak Abu ye? Ah, jangan di katakan 3 ringgit, 5 ringgit pun saya sanggup bagi untuk penduduk sini. Kebetulan hari tu saya tak cukup duit pecah, tu la bagi 3 ringgit saja. Nak lagi 2 ringgit tu? Buleh, saya buleh bagi sekarang jugak. (bisik) Borhan pinjamkan aku 2 ringgit, tak ada duit pecah.

Abu: Tak pa lah YB, karang saja la, malu saya nak ambil sekarang.

Tok Bilal: Assalammuaikum YB. Dulu 4 tahun yang lepas, masa berkempen dulu, ingat lagi tak? Itu la akhir sekali YB datang kampong ni pun, YB ada janji nak baiki mesjid kampong ni yang dah usang dan bocor tu. YB juga kata kalau menang nak bagi set siaraya baru sampai orang buleh dengar azan 10 batu jauh, tapi sampai sekarang tak ada apa pun?

YB: Nanti kejap ya, Tok Bilal, (bisik) eh, Borhan, kan aku dah kirim duit kat engkau suruh repair mesjid ni dan beli alat siaraya baru?

Penghulu: Ada la, YB bagi 3 ratus. Nak beli simen pun tak cukup, nak repair apa.

YB: Habis, mana duit 3 ratus tu?

Penghulu: Saya beli jam dinding. Tu, di dinding tu, cantik dak?

YB: Saya nak mintak maaf la Tok Bilal. Saya sungguh menyesal perkara macam ni buleh berlaku. Saya dah cakap dengan JKR dan mereka dah setuju nak buat mesjid baru yang muat 4 ribu orang. Saya ingat dah selesai la. Nanti saya tanya. Maaf la, jangan risau, ini perkara kecik saja, saya sendiri akan selesaikan.

Tok Bilal: YB, penduduk kampong ni Cuma 315 orang, tak payah la sampai buat mesjid untuk 4000 orang. Nanti nampak kosong saja. Kita ni bila dah berjanji, berdosa kalu mungkir YB.

YB: Astaghfirullah, Tok Bilal, jangan la kata macam tu. Saya tak mungkir. Sumpah atas kubur moyang saya, saya tak mungkir. Ini JKR punya silap. Nanti saya jumpa mereka tau la saya nak buat apa. Ada orang lain nak tanya? Kalau tak ada saya nak balik ni?

Pak Asan: Hai YB, 4 tahun sekali tunjuk muka pun dah nak balik dah? Baru saja 5 minit. Takkan sibuk sangat kot? Dulu masa berkempen kata nak datang tiap-tiap minggu. Dengar-dengar, dah pindah ke Kuala Lumpur. Hai, tak buleh ka berkhidmat daripada sini? YB kan ADUN saja, bukan Ahli Parlimen? Ahli Parlimen pun tak pindah. Duduk la lama sikit. Dengar la rintihan-rintihan kami. Tak gitu YB?

YB: (bisik) Celaka kau Borhan, kau kata semua kaotim, ni Asan dok cakap bukan-bukan ni macam mana?

Penghulu: (bisik) Pandai-pandai jawab la YB.

YB: Eh, Pak Asan, lama tak nampak?

Pak Asan: Dah datang 4 tahun sekali macam mana nak nampak?

YB: Sebenarnya Pak Asan, saya memang dah bercadang nak buat sebuah pondok kecil di kampong ni, nak berkhdmat untuk rakyat jelata, tapi apa kan daya, kita merancang Dia juga menentukan. Sebulan selepas saya menang, anak sulong saya tu si Peah, dapat masuk belajar di Universiti Malaya. Dia menangis, nangis suroh kami sekeluarga ikut. Dia tak sanggup duduk sorang-sorang. Saya marah kat dia. Saya kata tempat saya di sini dengan orang kampong, bukan di KL tu. Sumpah saya cakap ni, saya penampar muka dia. Tiba-tiba kami dapat panggilan talipon yang opah saya Che Embun tu sakit tenat. Masuk ICU sebab sakit jantung.Kami pun kejar kesana. Alhamdulillah, pembedahan dia jalan dengan baik tapi dia kena pergi hospital 3 kali seminggu untuk pemeriksaan. Dia menangis-nangis suruh saya pindah Kulala Lumpur temankan dia. Takkan saya nak penamparkan dia pulak? Ha itu la ceritanya Pak Asan. Mau tak mau dengan berat hati saya terpaksa jugak pindah sana.

Pak Asan: Ih, ih, ih, sedih saya dengar cerita YB. Sekarang duduk Kuala Lumpur cakap pun macam orang sana ya? Dulu tak kata pun 'rakyat jelata' sekarang dah pandai dok 'rakyat jelata' dah ya? Banyak kot dok jumpa Samy Vellu? Tapi saya nak tanya sikit la. Si Peah tu kan gagal semua matapelajaran dalam SPM? Macam mana dapat masok UM pulak? Dia guna keputusan sapa? Lagi satu satu nak tanya, baru 3 bulan lepas saya jumpa Che Embun di Kuala Terengganu masa saya pergi Cuti-cuti Malaysia. Dia kata, dah 7 tahun dia duduk di Terengganu tu? Sihat saja saya tengok? Buleh berlari-lari di tepi pantai dengan suami baru dia tu?

YB: Er, er, saya kata Peah ka tadi? La, tu la, punya la letih sampai tersilap cakap. Bukan Peah. Sepupu dia si Jamaliah. Tuan-tuan tak kenai dia. Dia duduk di Kedah. Masa dia dapat masuk UM, hari tu la juga emak dan bapak dia accident mati. Bukan opah say Che Embun tu, opah orang pompuan saya, nama dia pun Che Embun jugak. Silap la tu Asan.

Pak Asan: Hai kan saya sepupu bini YB, takkan saya tak tau sapa opah dia? Apa ni YB? Mengapa nak cakap bohong ni? Masa kempen cakap lain, bila dah menang lain cakapnya. Kami tak ada tempat nak mengadu pun. Wakil rakyat macam mana ni? Apa semua wakil rakyat parti YB ni macam ni ka? Yang Tok penghulu dok tersengeh-sengeh tu pasai apa? Ada saham sama ka? Jom balik la semua, jangan dok buang masa. Ha Pak Abu, tunggu apa lagi? Nak jugak dua ringgit tu? Itu maruah Pak Abu? Ah sebelum kami pergi, simpan saja la kain pelikat dan kain batik jawa tu. Simpan saja la envelope tu. Kami pun ada maruah jugak.

Last But Not So Last

Pak Lah: This is the last meeting we are going to have before I make my decision on who our candidates are. First of all, I would like to thank Keng Yaik and Affendi for voluntarily backing out. You are truly gentlemen. Anyone else wants to back out? Think of the party, not of yourself.

Najib: I think Samy should back out la.

Samy: Apa pasai? Why you think I should back out? Why not you?

Najib: You are a liability to MIC and BN la Samy, accept it la.

Samy: What do you mean liability? Give me proof?

Hisham: Ayo Samy, our intelligence report say, we will lose almost 100% of Indian votes if you still lead MIC. If you get lost, maybe we can bring it down to 60%.

Samy: Pakla, don't listen to this two young punks la. Let me read this report just sent to me. After extensive intelligence gathering, we find that 20% of the Indians hated Samy Velu. Ha, only 20% la, where got 100%?

Nazri: Hey Samy I also got the same report la. Why don't you continue?

Samy: Okay, I'll continue, 40% cannot stand to see his face and 35% will kill him if they were to meet him. 5% believe that he is a good leader. Ha, I still got 5% what?

Pak Lah: Come on la Samy, you've been around for a long time already; you have made your money. You are even richer than me, so back out la. Think of the party la Samy.

Samy: Yes, I am richer than you but Najib, 2 deals only is already richer than me, why not ask him also to go? His submarine and Sukhoi and Altantunya also make him a liability what.

Pak Lah: I know that one, but he is from UMNO, that is the difference. The Malays will accept corrupt Malay leaders, as long as they potong, its okay.

Samy: Oh, kalu chunik potong kalu, berapa banyak rasuah pun takpa ka? Mana adil ini macam Pakla?

Najib: That is the way it is in this country Samy. We all from UMNO got immunity, you people, tadak potong punya, don't.

Samy: No, saya akan tetap bertanding.

Kayveas: Adei Samy, listen to them la, what they say is true la. Don't talk about justice all la, as if you are concerned about justice. This is not the place to be talking about justice la old man. We want to win. If that means you will be dropped then so be it.

Samy: Dei Kayveas, you just shut up la. You budak lagi la, you apa tau? What you want to be champions of the Indians ka? If I am forced to back out, I make sure you go down with me. Hey, Mahathir also cannot force me out la.

Kayveas: Tengok Pakla, tadak guna punya Hindu. Think of himself only. Just shoot him la Pakla, don't give chance. Najib, itu C4 lagi ada ka? Mari kita sekarang taroh itu C4 sama dia. Cilaka punya orang.

Keng Yaik: Samy ah, enough la. So long already you in the cabinet. You want to stay until you die ka? What you think they will bury you in the Makam Pahlawan ka? Every time people curse you la. Now even your own race cannot stand you, give up la Samy. Come join me la. We all retire. After all, we are not sure if we are going to win this time around. BN also not sure going to win or not.

Pak Lah: What are you talking about Kheng Yaik? Why you say like that? Lu jaga lu punya mulut ah Apek.

Keng Yaik:No la Pak Lah, If everyone wants to deny us 2/3 majority, then all of them would not vote us la. We may lose more than just 1/3 la. Haiya, that one also cannot see ah?

Pak Lah: Maybe the Chinese or Indians la Keng Yaik, not the Malays la. The Malays love UMNO.

Keng Yaik: Are you sure ah Pak Lah? Now even the Chinese and Indians are willing to vote PAS if it is the only opposition available to them, don't you think that there would be Malays willing to vote DAP? Don't be foolish la Pak Lah. Until now still cannot get Kelantan despite all the dirty tricks. Who are majority voters in Kelantan? Malys la, some more what.

Pak Lah: Betoi ka dia kata tu Najib?

Najib: Jangan dengar cakap orang tua penyembur tu la Pak lah. Orang Melayu takkan lupa UMNO punya. Orang Melayu rela mati untuk UMNO

Nazri: Ntah la, ada lojik jugak cakap Keng Yaik tu. Memang la orang Melayu rela mati untuk UMNO tapi rela ka dia mati untuk kita?

Pak Lah: Apa yang orang Melayu tak puaih hati lagi dengan kita? Kita bagi macam-macam kat depa, apa lagi dia mau?

Kah Ting: Lu mau tau ka? Dia olang tengok sumua itu UMNO punya olang besar manyak kaya. Bikin lumah banyak besar. Keleta 4, 5, sumua mahal-mahal punya. Dulu punya Melayu punya UMNO punya olang tak buat itu macam. Kalau dia kaya pun, dia tak tunjuk sama olang. Sekalang punya UMNO punya olang manyak sombong oh. Dia kaya, dia selalu tunjuk. Dia tak takot punya. Itu olang Melayu biasa tak suka la ini macam punya sombong punya olang.

Nazri: Apa, salah ka dia beli rumah besar dan kereta besar? Apa orang Cina saja ka buleh beli rumah besar. Pak Lah, letak Kah Ting kat Tanjong tengok. Jom kita tengok orang Cina suka kat dia ka tak?

Keng Yaik: Tak salah, tapi baru 2, 3 hari jadi menteri sudah kaya ka? Dia punya gaji berapa? Dulu jaga gate keretapi sekarang boleh bikin Istana, orang tak heran ka la Pak Lah? Your weakness ah, is that you think the Malays are stupid. They are not la Pak Lah. Many have opened their eyes la. Many are not ignorant anymore.

Pak Lah: Alah, kalau kalah pun, kalah sikit saja.

Keng Yaik: Sorry ha Pak Lah if I say something. You have been sleeping too much, you have lost touch with reality.

Pak Lah: I think ah Keng Yaik, you don't resign la. This year you stand in Permatang Pauh, mau ka?

Samy: Pak Lah, saya macam mana?

Pak Lah: Meeting adjourn la, semua balik dulu. Saya mengantok ni. Nanti lain kali la.

Monday, 18 February 2008

Coffee Anyone?

Pak Abu: Ali, why do you keep buying that coffee? Every time you drink it you complaint that it is bad but yet you keep buying it?

Pak Ali: I don't know la Abu. I am afraid to buy that other brand. The makers of my brand kept on telling me that that other brand is bad, so I am afraid.

Pak Abu: Are you sure, this time the brand you are buying is going to be any good?

Pak Ali: That's what they say la, but I doubt it.

Pak Abu: Why?

Pak Ali: Every time I buy, they say the same thing, but it never changes.

Pak Abu: Then change la, try and see.

Pak Ali: Takut la Abu, anyway, this brand got free gift, that one doesn't.

Pak Abu: Oh, free gift. Never mind la, if that makes you happy but please la, stop complaining next time. Its your choice. If you think the free gift is worth it, go ahead la.

Sunday, 17 February 2008

My Sweet Rose

It is so shocking that something so beautiful, so sweet and colourful could cause serious convulsions, spasms and painful constrictions of the innards that squeeze the oxygen out of the body and block the entry of this life giving gas. Victims would writhe in pain. Their screams, often inaudible, caused by the absence of oxygen, would be followed by the bluing of the face. The victims, while alive, could neither breathe in nor out. Finally, the internal constrictions would cause all internal organs to rupture causing the victims to spew out blood. Blood would also find its way through every orifice and opening in the body. The end, though swift, would be excruciatingly painful. Eyes popping out of their sockets, is not uncommon.

This latest finding, released by the United Nation, baffles every scientist and world leader. It is believed that this new phenomena is caused by an extremely rare, yet to be named gas, from vents and cracks in the Earth's surface. These vents and cracks only appeared after the series of quakes to shake the Earth after Acheh, 2004. What is baffling scientists all over the world is that this new gas would only have adverse effects if it touches plants of a certain specie. Inhaled directly by humans and animals, the gas is harmless.

The WHO, has dispatched warnings and instructions to all government leaders around the world. It is reported that many countries were skeptical about the validity of the findings and choose to ignore it. A few countries, however, have taken the initiative to act on this report. Most of these countries are from countries near Acheh, where these vents and cracks are spotted. Amongst the actions recommended were to destroy all rose plants. It is this specie that is found to react dangerously with the gas. The chemical which gives off the sweet fragrant would react with the gas making it highly toxic.

It is in light of this latest discovery that the Malaysian Government out of deep and grave concern for its citizens has instructed the police not to issue permits to an unregistered Hindu body to hold a gathering to give out roses to the Prime Minister. A spokesman said that, the non-issuance of the permit was not to protect the safety of the Prime Minister. In fact it was out of concern for the gatherers especially the children. Applications to hold the gathering were refused but the reasons were not given so as to prevent a panic. The Minister of Agriculture said that, he has instructed all his officers to go through the country to destroy rose plants. Imports of roses were banned.

The Deputy Home Minister said that, the government had to prevent the gathering and was sad that the police had to use force to break the gatherers. It was not the Government's intention to stop the people from gathering to show their extreme love to the Prime Minister, who was very touched by their appreciation for his work record and by the love shown by the Indians of the country to him. The minister added that a permit would be given out next week to allow for such gatherings. The Prime Minister would personally be present to receive the gifts from the 200 young children originally suggested by the organizers for the disrupted first gathering.

The Health Ministry, however, has come out with a strict guideline on what could be brought by the gatherers. No roses or any other flowers are allowed within a 50 kilometer radius of Parliament house. The children could only bring with them durian leaves, rambutan leaves and pandan leaves. The Children would be given 'KAMI SAYANG PAK LAH' badges to wear while the senior gatherers would be given 'PAK LAH PENYELAMAT NEGARA' badges.

Meanwhile a Minister in the prime Ministers's statement has released a statement that the Prime Minister had expressed his sadness at what had happened during the recent gathering. Those arrested would be released as soon as the police are satisfied that they are not privy to this latest information released by WHO. As a sign of gratefulness to the Indian people who had shown so much love to the Prime Minister, tomorrow, Monday, 18 February would be declared a public holiday to all Indians.

Saturday, 16 February 2008

Rezeki Tok

Samy: Hey Nazri, sudah sampai ka? Apa pun tak bole nampak?

Nazri: Shh, shh, ini tempat banyak keras la.

Samy: Keras ka? Takpa, kalau lembot, saya panggil JKR mari kasi keras.

Khairy: Diam la, Samy. Torch sana sat.

OKT: Aiya, jungle like this also got house ah?

Lah: This bomoh, very power one. I know. Apa pun dia buleh buat punya.

Samy: Ayo, banyak gelap la, apa macam mau jalan? Tak bole suruh dia mai office ka?

Nazri: Apa gelap, ini malam gelap ka, awak gelap ka?

Samy: Pakla tengok la ini Nazri, mau kacau sama orang. Ayo takot la. Ada hantu ka sini?

Lah: Tak tau la, tadi kita mai 4 oghang, awat ada lima lani?

Samy: Mana ada kita orang mari 4 orang? Kita orang mari 5 orang apa?

Lah: 5 ka? Tadi dalam kereta aku kira 4? Aku, Ka Ting, Nazri dengan Khairy, ha 4.

Samy: Habis saya Pakla tadak kira ka?

Lah: La Samy, hang pun mai ka? Tak Nampak pun tadi?

Nazri: Macam mana nak Nampak?

Khairy: Dah sampai, dah sampai, shhhh! Tok! Tok! Tok! Tok Komeng, ni saye ni, Hery.

Tok: Oh, dah sampai dah? Nanti ye, aduuuh, sakit kaki ni. Ha? Berempat saje? Kate 5?

Nazri: Ha, ha, ha, tengok Samy, ini bomoh pun tak nampak awak.

Samy: Say mau balik la ini macam. Sumua orang mau perli sama saya.

Lah: Sudah, sudah. Ni bukan time nak melawak, jom masok, nanti oghang nampak.

Khairy: Maaf tok lambat sikit. Ni Samy ni takot sangat jalan dalam hutan ni.

Tok: Die nak takut ape? Hantu yang takut kat die? Tak ape le, nasib baik lambat, baru 10 minit tadi ada satu kumpulan balik. Ramai juge. Datang 3 kete.

Nazri: Sape die tok?

Tok: Ntah, tok bukan ingat sangat name oghang. Soghang tu pendek-pendek, gempal, Isa kot name die. Soghang tu berjanggut, deme panggil die JJ. Ade juge soghang pompuan, Ijat ke ape ke.Soghang tu India, name tok tak tau la, asyik dok bunyi je talipon die. Udah le tu, dok korek, korek, korek aje. Tok halau la die keluwo. Ate, bisen aje. Ade soghang lagi tu, segak oghangnye tapi dah tue le. Deme mangiil die Tun. Ntah lah, Tun Peghak ke, Tun Mutahir ke idak le teman tahu.

Lah: hai Madet pun mai? Patut la Lingam ikut sama? Depa mau apa Tok. Depa nak jadi calon ka?

Tok: Ade le soghang due yang mintak bagi menang. Tapi yang lain tu mintak bagi kalah.

Lah: Bagi Kalah? Bagi sapa kalah?

Tok: Ntah, ape name die. Tok tak ingat name, tapi ni ha gambo die.

Lah: Gambaq aku? Celaka punya Madet, mai jumpak bomoh nak bagi aku kalah.

Samy: Hey, itu Pakla punya gambar la. Wah ini bomo pun Pakla punya peminat ka? Hebat la Pakla.

Lah: Peminat kepala botak hang? Depa nak pejatoh aku la. Takpa, nanti kita tengok sapa lagi tera. Tu takdak oghang lain dah tok?

Tok: Ade juge soghang Cine, ape kah name die, Lek, Lek, Soya Lek, ke ghope tu le name die.

OKT: Dia pun mau jadi calon ka Tok Wan?

Tok: Tok Wan tengkoghak kome? Bile aku kawin dengan opah kome? Idak, die nak bagi soghang tu, musuh die jadi bodo. Die kate bior deme tu jalan bebogel di khalayak ghamai. Maghah bebenor die tu.

OKT: Sapa itu orang dia mau kasi gila er, er Tok?

Tok: Ka Ting katenya. Katenye kalu boleh bior anu die lembek sampai mati.

Lah: Tok asainya kami ni mai nak mintak bagi menang besaq dalam pilihanghaya ni. Tapi dah dengaq apa Tok kata tu, nak tambah sikit lagi la permintaan kami tu. Duit tak jadi hal Tok. Cakap saja beghapa banyak Tok mau, kami bagi.

Samy: Ya Tok, berapa mau cakap saje. Supulu ringgit, dua pulu ringgit, dua pulu lima ringgit, cakap saje, Saya bule kasi punya.

Nazri: Apa punya tangkai jering la Samy ni.

Samy: Lepas ini kena pi Changkat Jering ka? Bule juga saya tengok itu highway.

Lah: Khairy, awat la hang pi bawak Hindu sekoq ni. Tak paham Melayu langsung.

(Selepas 3 jam)

Khairy: Terima kasih banyak-banyak la Tok. Tok pasti semua buleh ya?

Tok: Begheh, eh tersasul cakap gganu pule. Pasti, semua mesti beres punye.

Samy: Tok jangan lupa kasi itu Kayveas lumpur ha?

Tok:, lumpuh, lumpuh, bukan lumpur. Mane koghang jumpe samdol ni?

Nazri: Eh, Tok, kalau betol la Siti tinggal Datok K dan datang jumpe saye, saya up Tok punye upah.

OKT: Terima kasih Tok, jangan lupa ya, kasi itu Ah Long punya bines lagi maju. Ah, itu Angelina Yam pun saya mau jugak la.

Lah: Teghima kasih la pasai sudi tulong kami. Kalau Madet mai ciom tangan saya depan oghang di TV tu, tok, saya buat ghumah satu belakang ghumah saya di Putrajaya tu.

Khairy: Terima kasih tok. Banyak dapat malam ni? Ok tak bisnes saya bawa? Jangan lupa ya, Siti tu jangan bagi kat Nazri, bagi kat saya, saya bayaq double.

Friday, 15 February 2008

Dia Orang Sayang Sama Saya

Reporter: Datuk, you look very tired? Must have been a long hard day?

Samy: I say, jangan panggil Datuk la. Saya orang biasa saja. Saya mau berkhidmat untuk negara, berkhidmat untuk rakyat jelata. Ta mau la itu Datuk, Datuk sumua. Pangil Samy cukup la. Saya selalu jugak ini macam, banyak humble punya orang.

Reporter: Er, Mr. Samy, will you be seeking for another term in office?

Samy: If you want to talk to me in English then just call me Sam. No need mr, mr all. Of course I will be seeking another term, and another and another. The Indian people simply love me la. Hari-hari saya tirima sms suroh bertanding. Ada yang cakap dia mau bunuh diri kalu saya tak bertanding. Ayo, yo, macam mana ni? Tak tau la apa pasai dia orang banyak sayang sama saya. Mungkin sebab saya kirja banyak kuat. Siang malam, I work for them. I always work for them. Sometimes I cry at night thinking of the people. Ayoo, kadawale, how some more I can help them. I want to help them la. Saya tak bule tahan tengok orang susah. Saya nangis dalam saya punya hati bila tengok orang susah. Ayoo muruga, muruga. Tengok ini ayer mata? Ini butol punya, bukan tipu punya.

Reporter: There is talk in town that you may be dropped. Are you aware of that?

Samy: I say, talk is cheap la. Everyone can talk. Butol apa, sumua orang bole cakap punya. Ini Negara demokrasi, sapa pun bole cakap. Saya tadak marah. Tuhan jugak tau. Tausah percaya sama itu market talk la. Pakla sudah cakap sama saya, saya misti bertanding. Dia cakap, kalu saya tadak kalu, itu cabinet akan sunyi. Ha, ha, ha. Tatau la apa pasai Pakla banyak sayang sama saya.

Reporter: So, you are saying all those talk are rumours?

Samy: I say my friend, rumours la, apa lagi? I say man, baru tadi saja Jeanne, itu Pakla punya bini ada call cakap Pakla panggil pi makan setengah hari dia punya rumah. Ayoo, kadawale, tatau la apa pasai Jeanne sama Pakla banyak sayang sama saya. Dia orang satu kali pun tadak panggil Kheng Yaik pi makan? Satu kali pun tadak panggil kating pi makan? Sama saya jugak diaorang selalu panggil.

Reporter: Lim Kit Siang said that the Indian community has lost faith in you. He advised you to quit. Your comments please.

Samy: Kit siang? Sapa itu Kit Siang? Itu DAP punya orang ka? Apa dia tau orang India punya hal? Itu DAP sudah mati la, sudah mati. Pigi cakap sama dia, jaga dia punya pati dulu. Suro dia kasi hidop itu DAP dulu. DAP sudah mati la. Ha, ha, ha, ha, DAP sudah mati la. Butol, saya sumpa DAP sudah mati la. Ini satu orang saja Malaysia punya dalam tadak sayang sama saya.

Reporter: The HINDRAF rally revealed that many Indians are not pleased with the MIC. They are angry. They feel marginalized and they blame you for allowing this to happen.

Samy: HINDRAF? What HINDRAF? Let me tell you this. Actually, those people at the rally are PAS people. They paint themselves dark and come out screaming HINDRAF. Indian people won't do that. Orang India tadak bikin itu macam. Dia orang banyak sayang sama saya. Tadak picaya? Nanti saya tunjuk itu sms. Mana saya punya talipon? Dei, handphone ingge? Cilaka punya orang, dia kasi hilang sama saya punya handphone. Tapi saya tadak marah sama dia. Saya sayang sama sumua orang. Apa pasai dia orang mau bikin sama saya ini macam?

Reporter: What do you think are the BN's chances this coming elections?

Samy: 100%. Satu ratus peratus. Kita kasi sapu bersih sumua kurusi. Kita misti menang sumua kurusi. Apa pasai saya cakap itu macam?

Reporter: Semua orang sayang sama Samy.

Samy: Ha, ha, ha, you pun tau. You pun sayang sama saya jugak ka? Itu pasai la kita misti menang punya.

Reporter: Some suggest that you and Khairy do not see eye to eye, is that true?

Samy: Ayooo, jangan cakap itu macam la. Saya banyak sayang sama itu Khairy macam saya punya bapak la. Saya tau dia lagi muda tapi saya anggap dia macam saya punya bapak la. Dia banyak baik punya orang. Dia banyak tolong sama saya la. Jangan cakap itu macam sama Khairy la. Sapa cakap itu macam, saya buleh bunuh sama dia. Dia orang mau cakap saya punya bapak ka, saya punya mak ka, tapa, tapi jangan cakap itu macam sama Khairy la.

Reporter: What do you have to say to the electorates out there?

Samy: Undila Barisan Nasional supaya ini kerajaan bole terus buat apa dia selalu buat. Jangan percaya sama itu pembangkang. Jangan percaya sama itu internet. Saya banyak sayang sama sumua orang Malaysia. Saya akan turus kerja kuat untuk rakyat jelata.

Stranger: Adei Samy, tipu la itu semua.

Samy: Tengok, dia melawak sama saya. Saya tau…

Reporter: Dia banyak sayang sama Samy.

Samy: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Sudah habis ka? Lagi tamau tanya ka. Poto tamau angkat ka?

Thursday, 14 February 2008

The Last Cabinet Meeting

Lah: Mr Secretary, is everyone present?

Sec: I guess so DS (Datuk Seri)

Lah: Apa guess, guess? Hang tak tau tepat-tepat ka?

Sec: All seats are taken DS, so all are present.

LKY: Ah, latok seli ah! Samy is not here la.

Lah: What? Samy not here? Then how come all seats is taken?

Najb: Khairy is seating in Samy's chair DS.

Lah: Oh, Khairy ka? Let's go on with the meeting.

Najib: DS, this is a Cabinet meeting, mana boleh Khairy attend?

Lah: Awat Najib? Hang nak bertanding di Tanjong ka?

Najib: Saya tak mau tanya DS, Hisham ni, dia suroh jugak.

Hisham: Auuuw, mane ade? Eh, Najib jangan buat cerite le. Mane ade kite suroh? Tak de le DS, Najib ni saje reke cerite.

Khairy: Hangpa dua oghang sama saja la. Tera dak cek cakap utgha ayahanda?

Lah: Pandai, menantu bapak. Let's start the meeting.

OKT: Then Samy not here how?

Lah: Its good that he is not here. I told him not to stand for reelection but he is stubborn so we are going to shift him to Baling. When he comes in, you all say it was a collective agreement ok? Anyone spill the beans will be sent to Kelantan to take on Nik Aziz.

Rafidah: Speak of the devil, here he comes.

Samy: Sorry la Datuk Siri, I was engaged with the contractor about the proposed bridge from Penang to Sri Lanka, that's why I am a bit late.

Lah: What bridge from Penang to Sri Lanka? I don't know anything about it?

Samy: Khairy said you ok the project already? Khairy, apa macam ni?

Khairy: Ada ayahanda, haghi tu masa ayahanda nak tidoq, cek tanya, ayahanda kata ok. Ayahanda dah sign pun. Tera dak cek cakap ayahanda?

Lah: Ayahanda kata ok ka? Kalu macam tu ok la. How much? Where are we going to get the money?

Samy: Not much la Datuk Siri, we will borrow from Myanmar, Laos, Rwanda, Sudan, Senegal and Tibet. Zimbabwe don't want to give. Mugabe said if Mahathir borrow, he will give.

Lah: Screw Mugabe. Hitam melegam cakap banyak.

Samy: Apa ni, hitam, hitam semua? Itu HINDARF sudah hantam sama saya isekarang Datuk Siri pun mau perli sama saya jugak ka?

Lah: I did not say it to you la. Sit down and keep quiet. Zam, how's the election propaganda coming?

Zam: I, I, I, I, I,

Nazri: Hey gagap, kalau tak gheti cakap omputih cakap Melayu la. Dok I, I, I, I, aku teghajang julin nanti. Tera dak saya cakap utagha DS?

Lah: Ha Zam, macam mana?

Zam: Saya, saya, saya, saya

Azmi: La, cakap Melayu pun dia gagap? Hang ni memang mamak gagap la zam.

Zam: Dulu aku, aku tak gagap la. Le, le, lepaih Al Jaze, ze, z era buat kughang a, a, ajaq baru a, a, a, a, a, aku gagap.

Lah: Can anyone tell me if we are ready for the election?

Nor: DS, we are ready for the election but we are not ready for after the election.

Najib: What do you mean? Are you saying we will lose?

Nor: I don't know about whether we are going to win or not. That is not my line of expertise but I know that we will have to spend a lot to win. After the elections, we will have no money at all zilch, zero, nada, mote.

Najib: The Petronas money all where?

Nor: What Petronas money? You all sapu everything, buy submarine la, Sukhoi la, New Executive jet la, go for holidays la. Where got money some more? We still haven't paid the contractors for the Ijok BE.

Najib: You mean, when I take over we will have no more money?

Lah: Eh, eh, capoinya mulut budak ni. What do you mean when you take over. Who says you are going to take over? Nor, cakap betoi-betoi ni, tak dak duit dah ka?

LKS: Latok Seli, how about my mileage claim? Hey, Nor, itu pun tak bole baya ka?

Nor: Sudah tak dak duit la Kheng Yaik.

Samy: Itu jamban macam mana?

Nor: Apa jamban? Bila you jadi menteri jamban?

Samy: Tadak la, itu jambatan pigi Sri Lanka la?

Nor: Mau bikin jamban pun takdak duit la, apa bikin jambatan.

Lah: You mean to say it's that serious?

Nor: Yes, DS.

Lah: Najib, ok lah, I hand over everything to you la. I am resigning and will not stand for reelection.

Najib: Er, Samy, you want to be PM ka? You take over la. I want to go to Mongolia.

Samy: Ta mau la, sudah bankrap baru mau kasi sama saye ka?

Lah: Never mind, Mahathir doesn't know this, we give it to him and then we all belah. He will surely take one.

Khairy: Ayahanda macam mano dengan den ni. Tak ado chan la den nak jadi montoghi?

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Everything Is About Politics

I have been busy since yesterday taking the school archery team (actually we got 2 archers and one chickened out so I am left with only one) for the Penang state school level competitions. Actually we don't have archery in school but we do have some archers hence the participation. I was roped in at the last minute to baby-sit our only archer.

What I am going to write is not about archery but about what happened at about 5.00pm today. Since my archer was with her friends from other school, I chose to sit under a shady tree beside the 30m competition zone watching some promising youngsters. They were quite good. Then an Indian gentleman about 40 came to sit beside me. He introduced himself to me and likewise I introduced myself. If this guy is an athlete he doesn't have to warm-up too much. He was the kind I would call ever-ready. He straight away told me that he was a taxi driver and that he also helped people in his free time or if he has extra money.

Then, just as I had guessed, he told me that he was an MIC branch chairman. Then he was bragging about how he helped the Indian community and how he has already got 3 awards for his services. It seemed that he is very close to Samy Velu. It was Samy who recommended all the awards that he got. Then there was a phone call. After the call, he told me that it was from the ADUN of Prai who called him. They had to discuss the coming elections. He was dropping names like ripe mangosteen dropping when vigorously shaken.

He knew just about every ADUN. He knows who is friendly with whom and who is not. He knows which candidate would be dropped and who wouldn't. It seemed that he is quite buddy-buddy with Pak Lah. He told me that Shariff Omar of Tasek Gelugor would be dropped and so would some other UMNO YBs whom he called 'sombong'. All the while he had assumed that I was an UMNO man and I didn't do anything to change his perception of me. Sometimes we could korek, korek, korek a lot from people like this.

He talked about the Chinese sentiment and also the Indians and he sounded quite unsupportive of HINDRAF. To encourage him on, I dropped a few UMNO ADUN's name. I told him that Datuk Jalil was a classmate of mine. He looked impressed.

Then I gave it to him straight in the face. I said, "Saya banyak marah sama ini kerajaan la". He was taken aback. I told him about how many people are also angry at the lying tendencies of this present leadership. I told him why the Malays are angry, why the Chinese are angry and why the Indians are angry complete with made up figures. They were not made up actually, I got them from blogs. Of course I do not know where those blogs got the figures from but who cares.

I told him about what people are writing in the internet. Suddenly he changed his tone. "Dia orang cakap itu macam dalam internet ka"? He never once questioned the authenticity of what I told him was reported in the internet.

Then seeing that I am not a government man, he revealed his disgust for the authorities. He told how the police violently treated the HINDRAF demonstrators and took out his camera to show pictures of the HINDRAF demo. He admitted that he attended the demo.

The competition ended for the day. While walking with me he told me how 63 parliament seats with a sizeable Indian electorate are in danger of falling because the swing in Indian votes are massive. He also said that many Indians do not care who the opposition is.. They would vote for DAP or PKR or even PAS. They don't care.

I don't know if his claims are true or he was pulling a fast one or if he was an SB. Just to share with you. What do you think? If he was SB, it is not the first time. My former Pengetua told me that he had 3 queries about me from people claiming to be from the Special Branch before.

Monday, 11 February 2008

2 Budak Hitam

Lah: Madet awat yang hang maghah sangat kat aku?

Madet: Hang teghok! Tu la aku maghah sangat kat hang.

Lah: Teghok macam mana tu Madet?

Madet: Hang janji nak dok sat saja, lepaih tu nak bagi kat Altantun.. eh silap, nak bagi kat Najit.

Lah: Laaa, bila aku janji? Sumpah aku tak pernah janji aih, aku dok tidoq kot time tu?

Madet: Tu la hang, asyik dok tidoq saja, tak buat kerja.

Lah: Aku bukan macam hang. Hang ingat hang soghang saja pandai, semua nak buat sendiri, tak pecaya kat oghang langsung. Alah, hang pun dengaq cakap penasihat jugak, bukannya pandai sangat. Doktot kunun, nak enjek pun tak pandai.

Madet: Hang jangan nak pelotaq. Hang mengaku haghi tu nak bagi kat sukho.. eh silap, nak bagi kat apa nama budak tu, er, er, najit.

Lah: Dak la, aku nak Tanya kat hang, awat Malaysia ni bapak hang punya ka, hang buleh atoq kat sapa nak bagi jadi PM?

Madet: Bukan bapak hang punya pun.

Lah: Kalau dah tau, awat yang hang dok buat buat macam bapak hang punya? Alah sedaq la sikit. Hang beghenti pun pasai kena halau. Kalau hang ada lagi time tu, habih oghang tak undi tau. Pasai aku naik la kita dapat kerosi banyak. Sedaq la sikit, dah tua, buat macam tua la, tak lama lagi nak mampuih, pi la masuk misjid, tobat, buat baik.

Madet: Piirah, nak kata kat oghang kunun. Anak menantu hang kaya ghaya, hang ingat oghang tak nampak ka?

Lah: Awat anak hang tu dok ghumah welfare ka? Depa tak kaya? Awat jin dalam botoi bagi duit kat depa sampai kaya? Memang jin pun, hang la jin tu.

Madet: Hang tengok rasuah dok menjadi-jadi. Hang PM macam mana ni?

Lah: Oh, masa hang tak dak rasuah. Yang depa nak tangkap orang rasuah hang pi tahan tu macam mana. Ni, orang tua kutok, pencacai angkat taik, aku belajaq ni semua kat hang la. Hang la yang mola bagi rasuah jadi besaq. Tok sah dok kata kat oghang la.

Madet: Ni, oghang dok maghah kat hang tau. Toke babi maki hamun polis, hampa biaq, oghang Melayu maghah sikit di Terengganu polis hang tembak. Huh, apa hang nak kata?

Lah: Ni mamak kelin, yang depa tembak beghapa ramai di Memali tu apa? Semut ka? Hang buat apa? Awat hang tak tangkap? Awat hang biaq? Huh, hang nak kata apa?

Madet: Buta kayu, yang oghang dok gadoh pasai kes Lingam tu apa? Bukan depa dok teghejai kerajaan hang?

Lah: Ni haprak. Depa dok teghejai pungkok hang la. Awat bodo sangat. Aku yang tak bagi. Kalau aku sughoh koghek betoi-betoi, mampoih telanjang bogel la hang.

Madet: Pi la, awat hang ingat oghang nak pecaya ka. Ni, aku tohan depa la. Depa hormat kat aku la. Aku buat salah apa pun depa tak ungkit punya la.

Lah: Setan memang macam tu, dia ingat dia tohan.

Madet: Koghang ajag hang, hang nanti la, aku nanti sabotaj hang baghu hang tau.

Lah: Ni hang ni dah lapok la, tok sah nak ajaq oghang la. Kalau hang tu baik buleh la nak tegoq aku. Apa hang tudoh aku hang pun sama la, pi balik la, buang masa aku saja. Cepat la sikit balik, aku nak tidoq ni.

Madet: Yang tu hang pandai la.

Saturday, 9 February 2008

All Over

It is all over now. She was buried yesterday before Friday prayers. Life is not back to normal because if it was normal then she should be around, sitting on the sofa watching her favourite Indonesian, South American, Chinese and Hindi soaps. No, it is not back to normal. Life has taken a turn, or a new twist, whichever way you may want to call it.

I remember telling my children that their grandmother will not live to see Chinese New Year, not that she celebrates it, but I missed by 16 hours. No I am not proud at being able to make a near-miss prediction; it's just that when one has seen quite a few of such cases, one can feel it under his skin that something is going to happen. I knew when I said that my children wasn't happy with my prediction because they were very close to her, especially my eldest, but I said it to not let them have false hope. Call me cruel but I think they were more ready to face the inevitable when the time came.

On Chinese New Year's day at about 2.25, my wife asked me if I could call Doc Tokasid up and asked the significance of her mother having very low blood pressure. I have to give this to the Doc, I had called up him up numerous times to seek for medical advice. I guess I owe him a bundle in consultation fees. Anyway I have already told him to bill the Barisan Nasional Headquarters because this being election seasons, they would even pay for the diapers you used. Back to the story. Her pressure was 80/40. I am no doctor but I know that is not the kind of reading you would like to see in the BP of any human being. I called the doc up. He knew about my MIL's refusal to go to the hospital so he gave me the next best advice based on his many years experience as a medical practitioner.

He said, "Cikgu, saya rasa baik suruh depa mengaji". That to us means, recite the quran and hope for divine intervention. He based his recommendation from my constant consultation with him. He knew the situation and gave the best piece of advice and for that my wife's family, my children and I would be forever indebted. I knew what he meant and relayed it to my wife who by then was ready to accept what the Almighty had wanted.

They continued to feed her liquid diet and the pressure went up a bit. All the activities for the past month or so had taken a heavy toll on my wife and me. At about 4.25, I went to bed to take a short nap. My wife was putting on her 'telekung' for that was the only time she could find to perform her prayers. Before she could even cover up fully, my SIL came running to our room to alert us of something serious in the other room. It took us about 2 to 3 seconds. There she was, breathing in very heavily for what seemed like eternity before meekly breathing out. There was a failed attempt to take another breath. It ended amidst the prayers recited in her ears and the confusion. True, there was confusion. I couldn't get a pulse but dared not pronounce her dead. After a while, it sank that she was gone. My wife's worried and concerned sobs turned into a soft wail. My daughter was slumped onto the body of her grandmother. My Brother in law was in a state of shock.

The first thing I did was to call my son who was working. He was reluctant to go to work but his mother told him that nothing was going to happen. Then I called up Doc, to relate what had happened and asked him to convey the message to fellow bloggers. He went one up and put up a post. Shah did likewise and soon I was receiving calls and sms from fellow bloggers, people whom I have personally never met but are very close to me. Then it was to call up my downstairs neighbour and asked him to contact my other friends which he promptly did.

I did not have to lift a finger while my neighbours did everything. They prepared the special room at the surau just next to my block. They arranged chairs and in no time everything was ready. We decided to have the burial the next day before noon so as to enable to her grandchildren from KL and Kuantan to attend. My sister from Shah Alam and brother from Johor also called to say that they would be coming back.

The incorrigible power lines in my house which plunged us into darkness the night my MIL had her first fit attack and was arrested by the wiremen sent by the JPN suddenly broke free and again plunged us into darkness that night. Luckily we were ready.

The next day, which was yesterday, while preparations were proceeding smoothly, there was further confusion. As the children were asked to give their mother a farewell kiss, my BIL succumbed to extreme emotional strain and almost collapsed. He went limp and had to be carried away to another corner of the surau while they were lifting the coffin. I couldn't follow and attended to my BIL. Although, limped and barely able to stand, he insisted on following. His children and wife couldn't stop him. It was evident that he had suffered a minor stroke, something which he was not a stranger to. I had to plead with him and promised to take him there in the evening when he is better.

He gave up and had to be carried to my apartment up one flight of stairs. That night we had prayers attended only by family members and this morning, all those from afar started making their journey back home. Very soon my SIL from Pahang would be going back home and my wife would finally feel the full impact of her loss. I would be there but I hope it would be enough.

Wednesday, 6 February 2008

Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Parents Beware

I am going to exactly what is in this entry at AISEYMAN because I feel this is an important entry to us Malaysians. I do not know if there is any copyright. I do not to just create a link because I believe people tend to skip the link. This is an important matter

A very scary thing happened to my husband’s colleague yesterday.

Somebody claiming to be the colleague called the daughter’s school and told the school authorities that “he” will fetch her and that she is NOT to get on the school bus. The impostor introduced himself using the colleague’s full name and gave the daughter’s full name as well. Add to that the fact that the impostor knew the daughter rides the school bus and it is very very scary indeed.

When I sent my son to kindergarten this morning, I informed his principal about it so that she is aware of this and to take the necessary precautions. In turn, she told me about an incident yesterday as well. 2 men came to the kindergarten kononnya to ask about enrolment. The principal told me, “In my 10 years of experience in running a kindergarten, no parent has ever asked me these type of questions.” They asked how many children at the kindergarten? How many Malay/ Indian/Chinese boys, girls? What do their parents do? They didn’t give out any of that information and instead went straight to make a police report.

While it is the school’s responsibility not to simply release a child, parents should also:

1. Drive the point home to our children not to ever, EVER, go with a stranger even if they look /sound nice (”it’s ok, your Mummy asked me to fetch you”) or if the intention seems good (”can you help me look for my lost cat?”)

2. Keep the school authorities updated if our contact numbers change - house, handphone, office numbers - so we are easily contactable.

The phone number for Bilik Gerakan Polis is 03 20529999 if ever you need it.

First thing first. This matter should be reported not only to the police but also to the Ministry of Education. The MOE should come out with a comprehensive guideline as soon as possible. If there is already one, is it up to date. Just send a reminder.

This is not a play thing. This is serious.

It Is Not Easy To Let Go

They say when it rains it pours. Well in a way what happened in my house about 2 days ago gives credence to this age old adage. No, it did not rain Pak Lah and TDM though I would wish for it to happen but this is closer to home.

I have in one of my earlier entries mentioned that my mother in law was in a bad shape after a sudden fall. Ever since she has been bed-ridden. First she could not urinate. Then her tummy started to swell so they had to push hard for the urine to release. Before anyone says anything let me make it clear that she refused to go to the hospital. She may be 80 but she is one spunky lady and when she says no, she means it.

Then no amount of pushing would get the urine out so with advice from our good doctor Tokasid, we got one of her grand daughters who works in a clinic to insert a catheter to drain the urine. It worked. After about 2 weeks the catheter must be taken off for fear of infection. In fact her urine showed signs of infection setting in. We were hoping that after taking it off she might be able to urinate on her own but sadly we were mistaken. Her bladder started to collect water again and she began to show signs of extreme lethargy.

We boutgh a new set and inserted the thing and her drainage went to normal via the tube that is but her lethargy began to get worse. She seemed to slip into coma. When conscious, she was most of the time almost inaudible but all the time incoherent.

Then 2 nights ago, while watching the Arsenal game, of course hoping for them to lose but they did not, my wife came running out of the room screaming something that I could not understand. We ran to the room and there was my mother in law struggling with blood oozing out of her mouth. I thought it was internal bleeding but no it was not. She had some kind of a fit and bit her lips and tongue. Before the biting episode they said that she was foaming in the mouth. I thought it was a heart attack. It was not a heart attack; in fact it was not foam, it was phlegm oozing out of her mouth.

There was panic for a while. We got a spoon to pry her mouth open, wiped the blood and tried to wake her up. We tried all we could but she just didn't respond. It was as if she was in a very deep slumber. After seeing that the situation was under control, we went back to the hall to watch the game which we shouldn't because Arsenal was not in a charitable mood. Then another scream. We rushed again and true, she bit her tongue again. We repeated what we had done earlier and after a while things were good again.

Then it was the Man Utd game. United drew which was not a good result but the last gasp equalizer had us in ecstasy. While discussing Tevez's life saving equalizer, there was another shout from the room and before we could rush to it, poof, the lights went off. For a moment it was pitch black. It was even difficult to find the room. When I looked out, the other houses were with power supply. With the help of lighters and lights from the many handphones, we got to do some rescue work. Now being a strange season, it was exceptionally hot that night. We couldn't on the fan and there was no light.

When I switched on the main fuse, there was light in the kitchen and my daughter's room but the other parts of the house were without supply. Luckily all the plug points were not affected so we could use a stand fan.

Since the plug points were not affected, my air conditioner was not affected. I only got in at about 3.00 in the morning and at about 4.00 my daughter rushed into my room to say that it happened again. By then my wife and sister in law were already experts in dealing with the problem. Ever since then till the present time, she has been completely unresponsive to any outside stimulus. The fit attack continued every four or five hours.

While I am typing this entry now, which is 12.34 am my computer time, my wife and her sisters are attending to their mother. I can hear them trying to talk to her. There were some involuntarily twitching of her closed eyes and that got my wife's hopes up. I told her it was involuntary and I could see that she was disappointed. I don't want her to get her hopes up too much because only divine intervention could prevent the inevitable. The sooner she comes to term with this reality, the better prepared she would be to face the final moments.

You see, my wife is the youngest. When we got married her mother followed us to Kelantan and lived with us there for 2 years. She was never away from her mother for long except when she was in vocational school. Even now, my mother in law lives with us. Occasionally she would go to her other children's house but her stuffs are all here. After seeing all this suffering, am I wrong to ask The Almighty to have pity on her and take her away. I told my wife that and impressed upon her that it was for her mother's own good. She saw my rational but I know deep down inside her she was hoping for a miracle. The twitching episode told me so. Life is not cruel, it is us who have to learn to let go.


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