Sunday, 30 May 2010


Aww, come on, are serious about doing away with subsidies? You've got to be kidding man. Hey, look at where you are now. Isn't it because of subsidies? You got subsidised public relations points courtesy of the Media, your media that is, and enjoy subsidised popularity, again thanks to the media, and you want to do away with subsidies? Ingrate!

Now listen and listen good. We have come so far to our present status so why make an about turn? I have a few suggestion of my own. This is of course for your own good, who cares about the people. Serve them right for being being a 'mere people' hah hah hah, padan muka you little people, bodoh punya orang.

Okay, what's in it for me if I gave you this life saving suggestions? Come on, I scratch your back, you scratch my balls la. You yourself told the people that if a certain someone is voted in, you would be willing to give a certain sum to keep the water from coming in.

Okay, now that we have come to an agreement here are my life savers.

1. Get friends to invest in sugar refinings. Do away with subsidies on sugar. Never mind if sugar costs RM5 a kilo. Say that you want people to consume less sugar for their own health. Do you think Malaysians would heed your 'advice'? Hey Malaysians never learn la, that's why you and your lots are still up there. The people would still consume as much sugar as they did before and your friends would be smiling their way to the bank.

2. Give to friends petrol pump licence. Say that petrol subsidy is going to bankkrupt the nation then once and for all take off all subsidies from petrol. Put a minimum price on petrol which should be 40 percent more than cost and your friends would be thanking you forever. Do you think the people would travel less? Fuck, Malaysians never learn la. At least this time we can give the Thai and Singapore governments a headache about petrol smugglings. Hee hee, serve them right. Take away those stupid subsidies from the Nelayans la. Who cares if fish would cost more or not. Do you think Malaysian would eat less fish. Fuck man, they would still be eating fish so who cares if they grumble or not.

3. Free health care is just not the way man. Charge outpatients RM30 and you would see that there would be no outpatients anymore and with that you don't have to employ more doctors. Compete with the private hospitals in terms of pricing. Charge 30 percent more than private hospitals for inpatients and you could cut down on the number of nurses and Amahs.

4. The people are too manja, do away with free education. Charge about RM500 per head per month for school fees and I can guarantee you that your 390K teachers could be downsized to just 3900 overnight. If parents complain tell them that it is their duty to educate their own children. If they can't find the time then find the money and send them to schools.

5. All roads must be tolled, even kampung ones. Give the consessions to your friends who would forever be indebted to you. Do you think Malaysians would travel less? Fuck man.

6. Where is the GST? Come on, all purchases by the people should come with a minimum of 20 percent tax. Do you think the people would buy less? Fuck man, TESCO and Giant would still be as packed as ever.

7. Bomba and Police services should be charged accordingly. Big fire 50K, small fire 49K. You could downsize the bomba force. All police reports should be charged and police house visits should cost even more. This way you could downsize the police force.

8. Now that you have made money from taxes and from doing away with subsidies, what do you do with the money? Defence man, defence. Everyone knows that the whole world is jealous of our success so we need to defend ourselves. No, don't get extra people for our defence. We need more submarines, helicopters, tanks, missiles and other weapons. Equip each personnel with at least 10 M16s, 5 bazookas, a tank and shoulder missile launchers. Buy buy buy.

Saturday, 29 May 2010

New Breed

Chef: I see here that you have item no 5 from many more countries now compared to last year.

Seller: Yes, yes, from many more countries and they taste differently too, maybe because of their diet.

Chef: Hmm these from China are interesting. Have their prices gone down coz last year they cost US300 a kilo why now only US150?

Seller: Oh these are from farms, the wild ones are now RM500 per kilo.

Chef: Okay, send me 5 kilos of the wild ones. These are for my choice customers, filthy rich buggers.

Seller: Okay, 5 kilos grade B ones.

Chef: What? Grade B? I thought they are the best? For US500 a kilo surely they must be the best?

Seller: Oh, so sorry, hmmm how do I tell you this. We have more expensive ones and since they are more expensive they are in the higher category in terms of price but taste wise I don't think you would like any.

Chef: What? You have more expensive ones and they don't taste nice? Is that what you are telling me?

Seller: Exactly, that's why they are not in the list but since they fall in the same item category, we do have stock but since you are my loyal customer, I would strongly reccomend that you forget about it.

Chef: Oh, I see, I think you have a new favourite customer and are purposely outpricing these choice ones.

Seller: God please forgive me if I ever have that thought, I wouldn't have told you about it if I had wanted to keep it from you.

Chef: Then tell me about it, at least to satisfy my curiosity.

Seller: Okay, they are not sold in kilos and there are only handful of them in this world. In fact they cost about a million each and these Malaysian frogs are very poisonous.

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Serious and Dangerous

Reporter: Mr. MACC sir, we hear that there is a report against the PM.

MACC: Oh the Sibu by-election thingy?

Reporter: Yes, that one.

MACC: Yes, there is a frivolous report made against the PM.

Reporter: Have you investigated the report?

MACC: No, we don't have the time yet.

Reporter: Then how come you call it frivolous.

MACC: Look here young lady, every report made by the opposition people are frivolous. I have been in this business long enough. Pity the poor PM.

Reporter: But still, every report needs to be investigated, right?

MACC: Yes, we know that and we are out to investigate this matter. We are a responsible commission, we will investigate every report no matter how frivolous and petty it is.

Reporter: So when do you think, you will start on this?

MACC:As soon as we have the resources.

Reporter: When do you think that is?

MACC: We have to look into really important and urgent matters first. As you all know, we have the Sime Darby fiasco. This will utilise a lot of our resources. Then we have some very disturbing cases to look into.

Reporter: Disturbing? How come we don't know about them?

MACC: That's why la, you all, you think you know everything.

Reporter: Okay la, I am sorry but could you give me a lead into those 'disturbing cases' that you mentioned?

MACC: Okay, but this is off the record, you can print but don't quote me, just say it's from a reliable source.

Reporter: Okay, I swear, I won't name you.

MACC: Do you know that last year alone we lost a staggering amount from all the Federal Government branches located in every state?

Reporter: No, I don't. What? How? Who?

MACC: Do you know that we have info that many clerks have been stealing stamps for their personal use? We estimate that the Federal Government lost about RM13K on this alone. This is bad, this is dangerous, this is serious. We must put a stop to this. Do you know that an officer in the Sports Ministry stole 12 dozen shuttlecocks for his personal use? This is outrageous. No wonder we lost in the Thomas Cup.

Reporter: These are your serious and disturbing cases?

MACC Yes, and I am sure you are as angry as I am, so you see, we have to channel our resources to these important cases first before opening a file regarding that frivolous report, but we will do it, to satisfy the people.

Reporter: When?

MACC Next month we will get a few students from University Malaya coming to do their practicals so I think I will assign these trainees to investigate this report. okay I have to go now.

Saturday, 22 May 2010

Down but not out.

Sam: Why you want me to resign?

Member1: You have destroyed the party. You know you are not wanted why you want to stay some more?

Sam: You think you big ka? Alright, with the powers I have as President, you are now expelled for working against the party?

Member2: Why you did that? He did not fight against the party, he was fighting you.

Sam: You also want to be expelled? Okay, I now expel you.

All: No, no you cannot do that. Now we will decide, we are giving you one week to announce your resignation or else we will call for an EGM and get you out. You know we have the numbers.

Sam: You ungrateful idiots. I made this party. I made all of you rich and now you want to sack me. Never mind, never mind, I will resign today itself but don't think you have seen the last of Sam.

All: Get out, get out, get out huuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

Sam: Never mind, I'll return, you just watch.

All: Get out la, boooo, boooo, boooo.

Sam: Hello! Ya saya la ni Samy. Saya ada dengar you orang mau satu timbalan presiden butoi ka? You angkat saya la, saya sudah kuluar MIC. Dia orang sumua menangis suruh saya jangan resign tapi saya sudah jemu la sama MIC, no future la, itu pasai saya ingat saya mau join you punya group. Sekarang you kasi saya timbalan presiden, nanti you resign punya time, saya jadi presiden la. Buleh ka........... Apa? PERKASA ambik orang Melayu saja ka? Takpa, takpa. ........

Hello, is that Kayveas? I say man, how are you ah old friend......... .

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

No Bite

Dentist: Do you feel numb enough?

Man1: Yes, I can't feel a thing. Why do you inject so much?

Dentist: This is a major job, so many to pull out so I need to give you more.

Man1: Did the others also get multiple extraction?

Dentist: Oh yes, all of them. It's really hard work you know. Okay, that's 1 out, rinse on this please, many more.

Man1: Didn't feel a thing.

Macai: Doctor! All finish?

Dentist: Yes, finally. Do you want all these teeth? Many are still very good.

Macai: What do I want them for? I have a full set of dentures myself. Where are they now?

Dentist: In the other room.

Macai, Thanks doctor, bill us okay?

Dentist: Errr, I know times are bad, but do you think I could be paid by the end of the year? That was quite a number of teeth I had to pull.

Macai: I don't know about that, talk to my boss la.

Dentist: Somehow, I have a bad feeling about this.

Macai: Okay guys, let's go, you have an assignment.

Man2: Where are you taking us?

Macai: You'll know when we get there. .......... Okay, we have arrived, follow that man, he will take you to the meeting room.

Boss: Welcome, welcome. Please sit down. people, all 8 of you have been chosen to be panel members to probe the shooting of that 15 year old boy.

Man3: Oooh! No wonder they had our teeth extracted.

Monday, 3 May 2010

Cucu Tok Nadok, Panglima Kepala Bataih

Jebon: Oi, Awang! Fuh, terer la hang.

Awang: Haaa, baru hampa tau aku terer, sebelum ni hampa dok peleceh aku, lani baru semua orang tau sapa dia Awang bin Bokceh.

Jebon: Semua orang dok cakap pasai hang la, merata aku pi depa semua dok cakap pasai hang.

Awang: Aku dah agak dah, mesti orang dok cakap pasai aku punya. Kira aku lani macam selebriti la.

Jebon: Memang hang dah jadi selebriti dah, kalah Mawi, hang lagi famous.

Awang: Tu dia, Mawi pon kalah kat aku, hahahahahaha, aku memang dah agak dah. Ntah ntah lepaih ni Najib pon nanti mai cari aku mintak otograf kot?

Jebon: Mana hang dapat idea nak bunoh TGNA tu?

Awang: Hai takkan hang tak tau aku keturunan pendekar, darah pendekar mengalir dalam badan aku.

Jebon: O! Betoi jugak, bapak hang kerja tembak anjin di pejabat haiwan kan? Memang hang ada darah pembunuh la tu.

Awang: Eh, Bon, ni aku nak tanya sikit, apa depa dok kata pasai aku? Depa dok puji aku tinggi-tinggi kot? Ada depa kata aku ni penyelamat bangsa ka, keturunan Hang Tuah ka?

Jebon: Rata rata aku pi depa dok kata, hang lembu takdak akai, budak hingusan tak tau apa, budak baru belajaq meloceh. Aku dengaq ada orang kata kat aku ada geng belah depa nak mai cari hang.

Awang: Nak mai cari aku? Pasai apa?

Jebon: Tak tau la, tapi yang aku dengaq, depa kata geng tu nak mai terajang hang.

Awang: Awat pulak? Aku tak buat apa kat depa? Takkan kot? Hang saja kata kot?

Jebon: Betoi, tapi aku tau hang mesti tak takot punya, kan hang ni keturunan pendekar.

Awang: Aku tak takot aih.

Jebon: Awat hang dok berpeloh tu? Ha, awat tangan hang sejuk pulak?

Awang: Panaih sangat lani, tu yang berpeloh tu. Ni, Bon, kalu ada orang cari aku hang kata aku takdak tau.

Jebon: Awat pulak? Kata sanggup bunuh TGNA, kata sanggup kena gantong, ni awat pulak nampak macam takot saja?

Awang: Bukan apa, kalu depa semua mai, aku takot aku terpaksa bunoh depa semua.

Jebon: TU DEPA MAI DAH!!!!!

Awang: MANA?

Jebon: La awat hang pucat? La tengok tu, basah seluaq hang. Hang terkencin ka? Aku acah saja. Awang, Awang, oi Awang, laaa pengsan.

Saturday, 1 May 2010

Lari, Lari Monyet Dah Mengamuk.

Alahai ada sekoq monyet Kepala Bataih, tempat lahirnya Tun Tidoq, kata dia nak bunuh Tok Guru Nik Aziz. Tergelak bulu ketiak aku bila aku baca cakap monyet yang baru belajaq melancap tu.

Yang tu dah memang perangai depa dah. Cakap punya lah gah, apa nama, seropa ketua pemuda depa tu si apa nama tu, ha, kerri. Alah Kerri Ketua Pemuda yang takdak jawatan tu. Alah takkan tak tau, Keri yang merangkap Pengerusi Biro menyemak tu?

Ni Syeh! pi la balik rumah tolong mak pak hang buat kerja di bendang tu, atau pun pi lah kutip botoi-botoi kosong, paper paper lama dan juai. Tok sah dok mai tunjuk act la sini.

Nak bunuh orang kunun, tengok kucin pun lari lintang pukang, nak bunuh orang kunun. Ni bukan apa, bila dia buat macam tu dia ingat orang nanti dok perati kat dia la, baru la cepat dapat naik, baru la cepat dapat kontrak.

Ni mangkok!!! Hang mau kontrak? Ha, mai rumah aku, aku bayaq hang tolong pam jamban yang tersumbat tu. Jangan la buat tak reti pulak, bukan hang memang kerja pam jamban ka? Alah jangan la dok malu pulak, muka hang pun macam lubang jamban, mai mai, aku bayaq.

Awang oi, mai sini sat dengaq sat cakap Pak Lang hang ni. Mak Pak hang tak beranak hang nak suruh bunuh orang. Mak Pak hang beranak hang suruh hang jadi manusia, bukan jadi monyet, yang hang pi jadi monyet tu pasai apa? Awak la gedaok sangat hang ni?

Kalu teringin sangat nak bunuh Setan, pi Putrajaya tu, sana banyak sangat sangat setan dok melewaq. Lani hang dok rumah elok-elok, tengok Astro Chanell 616. Kalu boring gamaknya, hang panggil Saiful ajak dia main masak-masak.


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