Friday, 29 May 2009


Reporter: Sir, what is the commission going to do about the PKFZ scandal?

MACC: PKFZ? What is that? It's a scandal? Is this PKFZ a brothel?

Reporter: Port Klang Free Zone sir. Sir the PriceWaterHouse report sir?

MACC: What is this free zone? What is the price of this water house you are talking about? No riddles please, we have a lot of work. The Penanti Tapes is utmost on our minds now. All else can take a back seat.

Reporter: But sir, this involves a lot of money sir. Billions of ringgit of tax payers money.

MACC: Don't over-react la, where got billions? Maybe a few hundred ringgit la where got billions. You all over-dramatic la.

Reporter: So you are saying that you are not aware of any scandals regarding the PKFZ and PKA.

MACC: What is this, now you are adding PKA. You all should learn to speak in plain language la. You think I cannot create my own ka? Okay, now we are investigating the PT. Hahahaha, do you know what PT is? Penanti Tapes la.

Reporter: So what's the development with the Penanti Tapes sir?

MACC: I say, don't say it in full la, just say PT only. Please when you report make sure that you mention that I personally coined the acronym.

Reporter: Okay sir, so what's the development.

MACC: As of now, I think this is a very serious threat. Do you know that they offered RM80000? That's a lot of money la. How can they waste so much money. 80K is a big amount.

Reporter: But that is their own money sir, the PKFZ deals with billions of the people's money?

MACC: Look here young man. We are overworked as it is. We have so many cases. Each case has to take a number. We have reports dating back to the 80s. We have to look into those first.

Reporter: But the PT is a new case sir, why the haste then?

MACC: This is national interest. After this we have to investigate into another urgent case.

Reporter: What is that sir?

MACC: We have receieved a report from the SPR about the death of the Manek Urai rep.

Reporter: So what is it about sir, the death sir? What is there to investigate.

MACC: We want to know if he was induced to die. You know, we want to know if he accepted money to die just to have a by-election. Don't you think its funny? First Bt. Gantang died now Manek Urai. There is a pattern in all these deaths and we want to get to the bottom of this.

Reporter: What if you found that he was induced, he accepted money, to die?

MACC: We'll reccomend that the candidate with the second highest vote the last time around gets the seat.

Reporter: Is there such a provision? So when are you going to investigate about the PKFZ?

MACC: Got provision or no provision anything can be done one. After this we have to investigate about a Penghulu who used his position to get sexual favours, then about a case where a policeman accepted RM15 to not take action against a parking offender, then the office boy who claimed an extra RM5 for traveling, hmmm, I really can't tell you la. Maybe in about 10 to 15 years la.

Reporter: That long, some of the culprits would have been dead already.

MACC: Then there wouldn't be any need to investigate would there?

Thursday, 28 May 2009

Please abang

Son: Mom aren't you going in?

Mama: I can't, I can't. I can see him like that, no you go.

Son: But mom, you can't do that. He specifically said that he wanted you to come. Please mom. This is his last day. Tomorrow he would be gone.

Mama: How could I ever see him.

Son: Please mom, please dad needs you. Let him go in peace. Please see him.

Warden: Are you going in or not? I don't have all day you know.

Son: Sorry sir, we are going in. Please mom, lets go.

Dad: Timah, how are you?

Mom: I am okay abang. How are you?

Dad: They are going to hang me tomorrow Timah. Timah, please forgive me for all that I had done. I am sure you know, I did what did for the family. If I were to die for taking care of my family then I am ready.

Mom: No, abang, please don't die abang,please don't die. Abang please don't die abang.

Son: Mom stop acting like Abdul Aziz Yusof.

The Better Team won

We did not win it. What can I say, we lost to a better team. Barcelona was simply superb and deserved victory.

Congratulations Barcelona.

Wednesday, 27 May 2009


I don't know where am I going to put my face. Aiya, so malu la like this. They are going to give me hell la and I can't do anything about it because they are well within Malaysian law.

At times like this how I wished I could just disappear for one whole month. Yes, my friends, things are that bad.

You see there was a bunch of wayward boys living in the neighbourhood next to mine and they are really a bad influence on the children.

They would gather till late at night and make noise and I suspect some are even taking drugs though I can't prove it.

I remember the last time I had an argument with them was during last Ramadhan. They used an unused building next to my block as their port to eat and drink in the day time. If they had bothered to do so behind closed doors, it wouldn't be too bad, but they do it openly.

One day I approached them and tried to talk some sense into them. I told them about how it is WAJIB for a Muslim to fast but they acted as if I did not exist.

I couldn't execute the 'neckbreaker hold' that Jet Li taught me coz that surely wouldn't be in the spirit of Ramadhan would it?

It is now already almost the end of May and in a few months Ramadhan will be back and I am sure those bad hats would be back to haunt us.

How the hell am I going to ask them to do something that has been HARAMed by the government?

Hold on, wait a minute, I think I know how to get them. Yes, yes, I got it. They like to wear black.

(All the above are created to prove a point so don't no UMNO idiot come and ask stupid questions)

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Its haunted I tell you

Look I am not one who believe in the supernaturals like ghosts, ghouls, pocongs or hantu teteks etc, but my resistance to this is fast waning.

Have you heard of flying parangs? I have though I have never seen one accept of course if someone deliberately throws the parang la.

I mean, if someone were to tell you that he was arguing with a lady about a small matter when all of a sudden a parang came flying out of nowhere and hit him on the blunt side (if it were on the sharp side then I don't think he would be telling you the story would he?) and he fell to the ground unconscious, would you believe him?

I for one would surely not but if you keep hearing these kind of stories I am sure your stand would waver.

Have you heard of the latest one about the haunted gun? Word has it that these guns or pistols to be precise, though new, are possessed by the spirit of the guns of those who died in the Second World War.

Yes, I tell you, I am not trying to pull your legs. These possessed pistols would all of a sudden go off. Yes, I tell you, I am not bluffing. They will go off only when there is a commotion. If there were none, the pistols would just remain silent.

I think it is because during the war, there was so much commotion with gun shots here and there, and people running and shouting for their safety. Soldiers were falling like ten pins and the spirits of their pistols, not able to stand all those booms fled.

Now that there is no more war, on a big scale that is, the pistol spirits has found it safe to come out from hiding but these spirits are still traumatised.The slightest sign of commotion or trouble would suddenly send these spirits into a spasm and most would empty their barrel.

True, I tell you, I am not pulling your legs. If you don't believe me read this

IPOH: A woman in her 20s suffered a gunshot wound in her left arm in a quarrel with a police constable at a hotel car park here yesterday.

She underwent surgery at the Raja Permaisuri Bainun Hospital and was said to be in a stable condition.

The policeman from the Perak Tengah district police headquarters and his companion had got into an argument and his firearm went off in the 2.45am incident.

I am not bluffing I tell you.

Sunday, 24 May 2009

Stop going to Mars.

I have always been fascinated about the Universe and about the possibility of life on other planets. In fact I was just watching a documentary on Discovery channel about the possibility of Mars harbouring life.

Many scientist believe that Mars once had life but is now too dry, and poisonous to support any life-form, even tiny bacteria.

I have seen videos of how we have sent our own machines to Mars to collect samples from the dry ground of the red planet. I have read reports that they have not found any signs of life on Mars. I am not surprised but am actually worried.

You see those probes and rovers that they sent to mars were made here on Earth. I believe that no matter how hygienic one tries to be when producing those machines, bacteria is bound to be trapped in some nooks and corners on those machines.

The question is, if life-form started here on Earth from some meteorites that smashed into Earth a billion years or so ago, surely those whatever that hitched a lift on those meteorites had to be so strong to withstand the extreme heat of entry. It must have been so strong to withstand the extreme conditions of cold space. What I am trying to say is that these things could exist in the DNA of present day Earth bacteria which could have been trapped on those probes and rovers sent to Mars.

What if some of the stowaway bacteria, after hitch-hiking, on those machines got released into Mars and having those strong genes that their ancestors had when they first colonised Earth a billion or so years ago began to mutate and survive Mars' extreme conditions?

If those bacteria of a billion years ago created us, wouldn't it be possible then for them to create creatures like us on Mars? What if the conditions there is so conducive that the mutation process takes only a few years before you have humanoids there on Mars?

The most frightening question that I have that caused me to shiver even thinking of it is that what if by some mere coincidence that some of the bacteria actually came from Putrajaya?

One BN, one PDRM, one MACC one SPR and one malaysian Judiciary is already bad enough here on Earth,do we need their carbon-copies on Mars?

Friday, 22 May 2009


So what do one call it, a happy day or a sad day? No, this has got nothing to do with the current political sitcom that is not screening on our tvs but being acted live.

Is it a happy day? Well I guess it should be, almost everyone who goes through this day calls it a happy day. Events that greeted me this morning even suggest that it is a happy day.

Celebrate it then. Why is it that I can't. I don't feel like it. The joy with which I should feel when the events I mentioned earlier was not full-bodied ones. Yes, there were smiles but that was what it were, just smiles. No joy, no air of celebration, no screams of elation, no nothing.

You see today I turn 53. Yes, its my birthday today and as early as yesterday I got birthday wishes in my facebook. Last night I received a few messages wishing me a happy birthday and this morning I was greeted with kisses from the missus and children.

Should I be happy then? Of course I should be happy. I have a family that I love so much and from whom I received so much love in return.

No don't think that this lack of jubilation has anything to do with the fact that I am now a year older and getting closer to the grave. I am not one who cares about how old I am. All I care is how young I feel.

As I opened my eyes and was greeted with a birthday greeting and kiss from the missus, my mind raced back 30 years ago.

For those who had followed my blog this few years would know what I am talking about. 30 years ago, today, I was in Pasir Puteh Kelantan. It was a holiday but I do not know for what. It was definitely not a weekend because it was a Tuesday. Yes, there is a significant to Tuesday that is why I can still remember clearly it was a Tuesday.

I was in the bathroom when I heard knocks on the door. We usually don't lock the door then. I wrapped myself in my towel and ran dripping wet to get the door when I was met with someone unfamiliar who was already walking into the house.

"Cikgu nazir"? "Ya", "Saya dari balai polis Pasir Puteh, kami dapat panggilan dari Pulau Pinang, bapak cikgu meninggal dunia tadi pukul 2", or something to that effect.

No, I didn't faint or let loose my towel but just quietly thanked him. I knew he was staring at me searching for the slightest sign of emotion but I guessed I must have dissapointed him. I knew my father was going to die, just a matter of when.

Yes, today marks the 30th year of his death. Do you call it an anniversary? I don't think so. I had always thought of anniversaries as equal to celebrations and frankly I do not feel like celebrating.

Yes, what is the significance of Tuesday then? You see my father had this 'pantang' or you may say taboo. He disliked Tuesdays. He will not do anything important on Tuesdays. He died on a Tuesday and by the way, I was born on a Tuesday.

So I am 53, and my family was happily wishing me a happy birthday to which I greeted with smiles but it couldn't go beyond that, just smiles.

Despite everything, I would still go out with them for the annual dinner we will have on my birthdays. I would fake joy and happiness as best as I could but I could not really fully enjoy the event.

You see, I loved my father so very much. Imperfect as he was, as I am imperfect myself, I still loved him very much and missed him so much as if it was only yesterday I was at his bedside, in the hospital, completely devastated, when my mother told me that there was no hope.

Some birthday huh?

Thursday, 21 May 2009

Open Letter To Tan Sri Khalid

Dear Tan Sri,

How are you and the family? Hope you're all doing fine despite the weather being not what it used to be. Yes, Tan Sri, it is just too hot in the afternoon and suddenly gets cloudy in the evening and sometimes pours like there is no tomorrow. Pity those folks living on those slopes.

I say, sorry la Tan Sri for straying. Actually I am writing this open letter to you to ask you to be a responsible Menteri Besar or ruling leader of a state and also a responsible opposition man at the national level.

I hope you do not think that I am trying to be clever. You see, it doesn't mean you are weak if you heed advise from other people, even if they are your enemies. Willingness to take good advise, no matter from whom, is a sign of a mature great leader.

As a menteri Besar, those good advise could help you develope your state and as an opposition man at the national level, it shows that we, people in the opposition, are not like them.

Okay let me get straight to business. Your predecessor, the present opposition whip in your state assembly, had recently advised you to make more foreign trips. I couldn't agree with him more.

Look Tan Sri, you are a Menteri Besar and also an MP, not to mention a party office bearer and chairman of the many committees you sit on. You must be tired. Please Tan Sri, think of the family also.

Why not take the family to Disneyland. You could also take some village party members and their families. As for who will bear the expenses, don't you worry. PKNS is a cash cow. They have so much money that a few hundred thousand or even million would not be missed.

Oh, by the way, make sure that your entourage consists of 3 levels of people. The first level should make up of branch leaders. The next must be made of excos and CEOs of state corporations and of course the next level be you and your family.

You see Tan Sri, by doing this, you could justify flying first class. You could always say that you do not want to create uneasiness amongst those in your entourage. The cawangan people would be lost if mixed with the excos and CEOs so they travel economy while the excos and CEOs travel business class.

It is unthinkable that you should travel in the same class as those beneath you so no one could complain if you travelled first class.

If there are queries about this you could always joke that if there were 4 classes of travellers in you entourage, you would have to travel in the cockpit.

One more advise Tan Sri, one that I think your predecessor forgot to give, remember you are travelling as the CEO of a state so you have to travel with dignity. I suggest that you get your state corporations to present you with very expensive watches, shoes, belts and suits.

Since I am rather busy because I have another letter to write to the CEO of a Tempe production company cum broom supplier, I would end this letter here.

Whatever it is Tan Sri, take care of your health. Remember, a responsible leader always takes care of his health so that he would be super fit to serve the people.

Travel more, avoid the US of A, and eat more tempe because your complexion has somewhat darkened lately.

Yours Sincerely

Concerned rakyat.

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

The Ambush

Private1: They are leaving the premise boss. 5 men and 3 women.

Boss: Do they have the stuff with them, I repeat, do they have the stuff?

Private1: Yes boss confirmed.

Boss: Are you sure?

Private1: Yes boss, our mole walking beside them has confirmed by sneezing boss.

Boss: Sneezing? Did he go to the US recently?

Private1: No boss.

Boss: Alright, all men in position. Air cover, are you ready?

AC: Ready boss, we are circling the area. Do you want us to blow them up?

Boss: No, I repeat, no, do not open fire. We want to nab them with the stuff.

Swat1: Swat one waiting for instruction sir.

Boss: Your position?

Swat1: We have cordoned the whole eastern approach.

Boss: Swat 2, come in, where is your position and how many men do you have.

Swat2: We have secured the northern and eastern position boss. 82, men sir. Artillery ready sir.

Boss: All units, wait for my orders. I do not want anyone to escape. Whatever happens, the Red Metrojaya Plastic Bag must not be allowed to change hands. Okay, Air Cover move in and drop the net, NOW.

AC: Moving in boss. Net dropped, and parachute unit deployed.

Boss: Swat1 and 2 move in. I want minimal civilian casualties. Get the Red Metrojaya Plastic Bag.

Swat1: Halt or we shoot. Down, down, down, on the road. Hands behind your back. Sergeant get the beg, get the beg, now.

Sergeant: Down, down or I'll shoot. Give me the bag. Boss, I have got the beg.

Boss: Cuff all of them and let our mole loose. Bring the bag and their leader to me.

Sergeant: Boss, the beg. Kneel down you terrorist. Do you want me to shoot this scumbag boss?

Boss: Good job sergeant....... Do you thing you can carry out your mission? Get ready for a long stay in Kamunting. I hate traitors. Sergeant, get all of them into the truck.

Big Boss: Congratulations Colonel. I'll make sure you be promoted for this. Syabas. Where's the stuff.

Boss: Thank you sir. Sir, the stuff sir.

Big Boss: Yes, we got them. Wow, real quality stuff. With these candles in our possession, they can't have their illegal vigil tonight.

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

What they say about Penanti.

Recently a secret survey was carried out to find out various leaders and personalities' opinion about the question: Should BN contest in the Penanti BE. Below are some of the responses.

Actually, I don't mind being the BN's candidate. If we lost, I already have a lot of money, if we won, I could always jump over back to the PKR but they must give me the DCM post la. BN cheated me in Perak. They said if I crossover they would also make me an MB or at least a TMB but now I am only an exco and they have even taken away my Camry. See, now I have this stupid Perdana only.

What did jamalludin say? I follow him la. Anyway, don't ask me la, I am not feeling well. Today I am on MC so don't disturb me la.

What, Penanti got by-erecsen ka? Why in Pahang also got poblem one? What Penanti in Penang and not in Pahang ka? Acherly, BN no need to susah susah fight the erecsen one. After lose gib that fellow a lot of money sure can kowtim one.

Apa pasai mau tanya sama saya? Diaorang mana mau dengar saya punya cakap. Sumua orang sudah dapat itu Tun, saya bulum dapat lagi. Tadak lawan lagi bagus la. Kalau ada lawan kalu saya misti kena turun kempen. Saya takut itu India punya worang nanti hamtam sama saya lagi la. Cukup la, tamau lawan la.

We must fight. Don't worry, I have already told Hillary that our PM is not involved in the Altantuya case. Go ahead and fight.

Must fight. I want to send that Murrugiah there and ask him to lead. I want the people to hantam him. Talk big only.

Tsu Koon
Don't ask me, I am getting all the Minister's report card ready so I have no time. See all these report cards, all red only. See the attendance column, so poor one.

I will ask my father what he thinks about this.

Prominent Blogger
Tun the statesman say fight so we must fight. He knows best. He is my god.

We must fight. I want a rematch with Anwar. This time I promise no more foaming.

Must fight, must fight, must fight. The banks have been calling me up about my loans. Please la fight la. I have already identified the roads, halls, mosques and huts that need sprucing up. Please fight la.

No more la, no more, please no more. The last time you know, so many people asked me to bend down? Nowadays even JJ is winking at me.

We must fight. I have already signed an agreement to supply every household 5 crates of my special skin whitening, nose bridge lifting tempes and also a dozen brooms per house.

Monday, 18 May 2009

The Press Conference

Reporter: What do you have to say about the White House's concern that the new sodomy charge against Anwar is just an extension of the last?

Minister: Hah, that man, don't listen to him. I tell you my PM does not know Altantuya, he has never been to Mongolia because he told me personally that the weather there is not good for him.

Reporter: The impasse in Perak is said to be destroying the country's economy, not to mention the ruling party's credibility, what have you got to say Mr. Minister?

Minister: Who told you that? Anwar? Altantuya's father? There is no truth whatsoever in all this allegation about my beloved PM's involvement in the death of that Mongolian lady. How could her death in anyway create an impasse in Perak?

Reporter: Is it true that the crooked bridge is put off because Malaysia do not have the funds?

Minister: This is another lie, it must be Anwar who is telling all these lies. Do you know that he offered me the DPM's post if I crossover? Who does he think I am? Hee? And let me tell you something, Baginda is not even a good friend of my beloved PM. Their relationship is strictly professional. The PM knew him through a friend of a friends cousin, that's all.

Reporter: How long would you be staying here Mr. Minister sir?

Minister: Who said I am staying here long? This must be Anwar's work to portray me as an irresponsible Minister shirking my duties at home while holidaying here in the US. I'll be taking the first flight home to meet my beloved PM, the one who has no knowledge of the existence of Altantuya and about her murder.

Reporter: Mr. Minister sir, you have not answered a single question of mine.

Minister: Look at this fellow, I am sure he is sent by Anwar through his friends here in the US to discredit me and my country. My throat is almost dry from talking and he said that I have not answered any of his questions. Look here, I come from a country where we only do the right thing. Our Prime Minister would never get involve with any Mongolian beauties.

Reporter: Have a safe trip home Mr. Minister sir.

Minister: Are you implying that there is a threat against me? Otherwise why would you wish me to have a safe trip? If you are implying that the people who killed Altantuya are out to kill me you are wrong. They are now behind bars. See, I told you, my PM is not involved.

Saturday, 16 May 2009

3 in a row

Yes, we did it, we are the Champions again. Yes, believe it, it's three years running that Manchester United are the Champions of the Premier League.

You see many do not want to see the fact that the Barclay's Premier League is decided over 38 matches, not one or two. It's the team that is resilient enough over 38 matches, not to mention the numerous, cup matches, that will be Champions.

Yes we lose more games then the team that comes out second but we won more. Why do we win more? Because we play every game to win.

To Sir Alex and the Old Trafford Boys, I am proud to be a Red Devil

Friday, 15 May 2009

Statesman or madman?

What does one mean when one says that if there were to be a snap election PR would win so don't have a snap-election but rather a confidence vote in the house?

Simple. It means that at that point in time in wherever the snap-election is held, PR is the stronger party. Is that all? Sadly no. It reveals much more.

It also means that the voters, and by voters I mean the Rakyat, wants PR to rule otherwise why would they want to vote the PR in anyway?

There is more to the above statement. It shows the total disregard for the people's wishes by the person who said it.

When that person uttered those words, he had admitted that it is the wish of the people of Perak that they wanted PR to be their government. Isn't that what democracy is all about? The people?

So if he knew that it's the PR that the people wished for isn't he being irresponsible when he said that there should not be a snap-election? Does not that mean that he is actually saying that the wishes of the majority is not important?

These are the words of a power mad man, not a statesman. A statesman would do what is right and the right thing here is to accede to the wishes of the Rakyat. A power mad man would do anything so long as he retains power.

A statesman in my dictionary is not someone who develops a country while enriching kins and cronies. A statesman knows how to make a clear distinction between right and wrong and so if he chooses a clear wrong over an unmistakable right, is he still a statesman?

Not in my book.

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

The Gifts

Messenger: Hail Zambrus, Lord of the land of Perakus, twin of Mugabus, favourite son of Barisus Nasionalus.

Zambrus: Rest your tired limbs O messengus of the great Lord of Barisus. What tidings doth thou bring from my great Lord from Putrus Jayus? Speak O messengus for my heart could bear no longer. Doth the Great Ruler speaketh well of me for wresting the silver state of Perakus from the traitor Nizarus? Speaketh my servant.

Messenger: Hail fair Zambrus for thou hath cooleth the troubled heart of the Great Lord. Such pleasure was the Great Leader in that in me hath he instructed to present you with the key to the City of Hararus. The Great Leader hath bequethed unto thee this great prize for thy valorous victory.

Zambrus: As much as I am honoured with this but a confused thought hath crossed this hazy mind of mine. What good doth a key to a city so dark and far is for me?

Messenger: A history hath this key to tell Great Zambrus. First bestowed to the Godlike Mahathirus by the Great Emperor Mugabus the Gorilus of Zimbawaeus, this key was placed in the safe hands of the present Great Lord with specific instructions to only hand this to anyone who twins the Great Mugabus?

Zambrus: But my dear messengus, by twin, doth not this liken me then to the Great Mugabus?

Messenger: Hail, yes, Great Zambrus.

Zambrus: Doth the Great Leader not have keys to the city of Pretorius or New Delhus so that I could be twins of the Great Mandelus or Gandhus?

Messenger: The Great Leader seeth an uncanny likeness of you Great Zambrus to Mugabus the Gorillus, so rejoice Great Zambrus for a decline of this precious award would greatly hurt the hearts in Putrus Jayus.

Zambrus: I have no intention to brutalise the heart of the Great Leader. Please report of the extreme pleasure that I have in accepting this award. Hath the Great Leader hath more for me dear messengus?

Messenger: Yes, hero of Barisus, but first, a gift from the vanquished Khirus Toyus of Selangus. So much was he taken by your great valour that  with me I bring 3 carts of tempus.

Zambrus: Tempus? And may I ask of what good are tempus to me?

Messenger: It is said Great Zambrus that the tempus of Toyus have magic in them. They are known to have bleacheth properties. They bring light to a night so dark.

Zambrus: If that is true please convey to my brother Toyus my utmost gratitude and love and ask if he could spare 30 more carts. But messengus, what is the other gift that the Great Leader hath for me? Please with haste tell me for my heart raceth with great anticipation.

Messenger: The Great Emperor hath bequethed unto thee Great Zambrus the title Tanus Srius and said that thou no longer hath to work for the tehus tarikus paddlers for now thou are Great.

Sullied by association

Man: Hey! You are still alive? I thought they've shot you?

Apparition: No, I am not alive, I am dead, can't you see that I am floating and that I have a ring floating above my head?

Man: Yes, I could see that ring, so you are now an angel then?

Apparition: That's a common misconception you mortals have. This ring means that while I was alive I did some good and the MAN up there has been pleased with my performance.

Man: Wow! That happens to good people who dies? So what about ghosts then?

Apparition: I don't think I need to spell it out to you.

Man: You mean Botha is now a ghost?

Apparition: Yeah, holding hands with Hitler planning a welcoming party for a certain Mr. Bush Jr.

Man: Oh, oh, wait a minute, let me get this straight. You are a blessed soul and you are floating around and you are here with me, does this mean I am to be invited to join you?

Apparition: No, no, that is the job of the angels, I don't have such privilages.

Man: Then, you mean this visit is a courtesy visit? Why, I am privilaged.

Apparition: Well not exactly a courtesy visit, we are not allowed that either, but I have been given leave by the MAN to correct a great wrong and HE said that I should get you along because we have both been sullied.

Man: Sullied? How? I don't want to go to heaven with a bad reputation. How have we been sullied?

Apparition: This is too embarasing to say out loud. Come closer and I'll whisper to you. Now you tell me if that is the pits or not.

Man: What! He did that? We have got to do something.

Apparition: Look, I am now only a soul but you are alive, I am banking on you to clear our names.

Man: You can bet your life, er, er I mean your soul, I would. I'll get Zuma to get this case to the International Courts as soon as possible. Damn him.

Apparition: Okay then, see you soon Nelson.

Man: See you Gandhi.

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

They call me ....

Customer: Hey tambi, give me a teh tarik.

Tambi: Wokey tuan, roti canai you don't want ka?

Customer: No, only teh tarik.

Customer: Put the teh tarik down here. Err, Tambi, it's not nice la for me to call you tambi, what's your name?

Tambi: Oh, you can call me Nelson Mandela or Gandhi.

Sunday, 10 May 2009

Stock take

Director: Boss, our stock is running low la boss.

Boss: What? How low?

Director: Very low. Actually we have the quantity but not the quality boss.

Boss: Hmm! That's not good, not good at all. We have to do something about it.

Director: That's what worries me boss. You know la, to get enough of the quality stuff is not easy. The people will make a lot of noise. I don't know if it's worth it.

Boss: I know that but we must replenish our stock otherwise we will be in the trouble the next time we need to perform.

Director: How do you suggest we do it boss?

Boss: Can't we raise the temperature up a bit, I mean that is the only way to get things to boil, then we can get the grade A stuffs.

Director: How to raise the temperature boss? Things have cooled down a bit.

Boss: Heat it up la?

Director: Okay, I think I can plan something that might work but please la boss, ....

Boss: Please what?

Director: Next time you want to release them, don't release too many at one time la. Just one at a time la boss.That day you let go more than 10, next time when you need to perform your eyewash show, where to find? Please la, Kamunting is nearly empty of Grade A stuff already. We can't release from Kajang or Sungai Buloh.

Thursday, 7 May 2009

Men In Black

OCPD: Inspector! How many did you nab today?

Insp: Quite a number Tuan. At last count we roped in about 135 people.

OCPD: Why so many? Where got place in our lock-up?

Insp: You said get all in black so we nabbed anyone we see in black sir.

OCPD: Did they fight back?

Insp: No sir, many ran away. Some we caught ileen they were drinking, some while they were reading the papers while the rest we caught while they were running away.

OCPD: So there were no untoward incidents like fighting or shouting or using obscene language?

Insp: No fighting Tuan but shouting got la but they did not use bad language sir but sir, actually there was one funny incident la.

OCPD: What? Funny incident? Tell la, I also want to hear something funny, I am stressed up as it is.

Insp: When we charged at them, all those in black were scampering. Some left their phones, some left their drinks, some fell flat on their face but one ran straight to us.

OCPD: He ran to you? Was he armed?

Insp: No sir he was not armed. He was shouting at us that a certain fellow was the boss. We suspected that he was the actual boss and was trying to trick us.

OCPD: What did you do?

Insp: 10 of my men jumped him and we apprehended him in just a short while.

OCPD: You sure he's the leader?

Insp: Look sir, I have been in the force for about 10 years, I can tell a crook from 20 miles away.

OCPD: Good, bring him in, I want to intterogate him. If we could wring any valuable info from him, you are on your way to be an ASP.

Insp: Thank you boss, thank you, errrr what about the rest boss? The lock-ups are all filled to the brim.

OCPD: You bring him in and release the rest. We don't need them now that we have their leader.

Insp: Here's the rogue boss. One look at him and you can tell that he is a baddie.

OCPD: Bring him here. Sit down, I SAID SIT DOWN, tak faham ka? Where are you from?

Man in Black: Pangkor ............

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Anything but Black

Chief: Did they say anything?

Private: No Tuan, they chose to remain silent tuan.

Chief: You go again and asked them why were they in black and who asked them to be in black. Tell them if they answered, we will release them.

Private: All right boss.

After an hour

Chief: How?

Private: They still refuse to answer me Tuan.

Chief: Okay then, since they want to show how stubborn they can be then I will show them how we treat stubbornness. Take all of them to the magistrate and get a 14 day remand order.

Private: Okay boss.

After 3 hours.

Boss: Which lockup are they in?

Private: They have been released boss.

Boss: What? Released? How could that be?

Private: The magistrate refused to give the remand order boss and he reprimanded this department.

Boss: What? He reprimanded us? What did he say.

Private: He said that he has never seen a more stupid department and he will never issue the order. He ordered all of them to be released.

Boss: So where are they now?

Private: They have been taken back by their owner.

Boss: OWNER? You mean leader?

Private: No, owner boss.

Boss: Please tell me what actually happened.

Private: You asked us to nab anything in Black so we saw 15 stray goats near the compound. They were all black boss.


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