Thursday, 30 October 2008

Action please.

Shahrir wants petrol priced not lower than RM1.92

This is the headline I got from the thestaronline. The minister who uttered this irresponsible words is none other than Shahril.

He is so concerned that Petrol pump operators would incur loses should the price go down often that he has forgotten about the millions of petrol users who would lose out. He wants it to be a minimum amount. Should crude go down further it would help the government to reduce their subsidies, he said. Okay fine, what if crude down even lower than that? Is he going to justify his minimum price by imposing some kind of fuel levy?

As a leader, you should set a ceiling price on this very-very essential item and not worry about a minimum price. If the price of crude goes down, the price of petrol should go likewise..

He should be daring enough to come out openly and say that the government intends to withdraw the 30 sen subsidy (correct me if I am wrong) if the price of crude goes down not cloak his intentions with confusing statements.

As it is right now, he should not be overly worried about a minimum price for petrol. What he should be talking about -- not mere talk please -- is the price of other essentials.

He should be reprimanding traders who said that they can't bring down their prices now that petrol is cheaper. He should be sending his officers to check the whole country if need be on traders who indiscriminately rise prices even with lower fuel prices.

He should take those traders to task. They raised their prices citing more expensive fuel. He should use those words they used to make them reduce their prices.

He should take TNB to task for not reducing their electricity tariffs now that we have had 3 reductions already in the price of fuel.

We are not interested in promises. We want action. We have heard their promises before and we know what those promises are worth.

He should shut up more and work. He should work for the rakyat not for some few thousand petrol pump operators. Is it because many petrol pump operators are UMNO members that he is making this ridiculous statement?

Shahril, remember there are about 27 million Malaysians and many millions of vehicles but there are only a few thousand petrol pump operators. Where is your priority?

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

To Khan or not to Khan

Yesterday while surfing I received a multimedia message. Now it is not often I get such messages. Usually they are from Maxis with their promotions but this time it was from my nephew.

He has just been blessed with his second child, a boy. He already has a daughter so it completes the set. Another Khan is born. If he takes up acting then he would be a Datuk in no time.

Well I guess its a good a time as any to write about this Khan thingy and no it has got nothing to do with Datuk Shah Rukh. My paternal grandfather is Hawadin from Pakistan but all of his children have Khan attached to their names including my father Mahmud. How that got to be, I really do not know and never had the chance to ask my father.

My father's first son is my eldest brother and his name is Idris Khan. He has Khan. My 2nd brother is plain Nasir and I am plain Nazir. I was told by my father that he dropped the Khan from our names because he was advised by his brother. You see, my eldest brother's birth certificate states 'Pakistani' as race. He was told by his brother, Mohd Aslam Khan, who also migrated here, to drop the Khan should he get any more boys.

My father duly did so and named my 2nd brother just plain Nasir. Now this Aslam Khan, my uncle, named his son who is the same age as me, Mohd Nasib Khan. How come? He advised my father to drop Khan from his sons but attached Khan to his son's name. Yes, I do have a grudge against that.

Anyway, my late brother, the one with Khan decided to drop Khan from his 2 boys, Mahathir and Farid. My second brother who has no Khan decided to reinstate the missing Khan in his name to his first born Mahmud Khan, yes, he was named after my father. Then he had Manzoor Khan, Yusof Khan (deceased) and Anwar Khan.

I have only one son and decided to follow my second brother and named my son Muneer Khan. Now, my eldest nephew, Mahathir got a daughter and so no Khan there. Then his brother Farid got a son a he decided to bring back the Khan and thus named his son Harieth Khan. Mahathir, the one with no Khan finally got a boy yeste rday and I wonder if he would append Khan to his son's name.

I would advise him to but it is completely his choice. So Datuk Shah Rukh, when are you coming to Penang? Anyway below is a pic of the newborn. I wonder if he would be KHANed or not.


Tuesday, 28 October 2008

After Nov 4

poverty 2

The above picture is the one that we have right now of the state of the economy that we are going to face. Sorry for the quality because I guess the picture itself knows the gleam outlook and doesn't want to shock us.

The above picture is based on the current budget proposal put forth by the 'outgoing' PM in his budget speech a not so long ago. After that, the economy headed south as with the rest of the world.

The USA, the biggest bully around, is heading into a recession and being the world's biggest consumer of almost everything, it is dragging the rest of the world with it.

The price of crude which was sky high about a few months ago, which helped buffer any adverse effect on our own economy, has since gone spiraling to below US70 per barrel and with it our own income.

Yes, I know you wanted to ask why is it that there is no corresponding decline in the price of petrol. A clown minister said it would go down so we just have to wait. You see, they pity those pump owners who would suffer loses should they bring the price down suddenly by a big margin. Funny, they didn't pity us enough when they increased it by a hefty 70 something sen which incidentally sent the pump owners smiling to the bank. Just face it, those pump owners deserve better treatment then us, mere citizens.

Okay, enough for the digression. Our leaders went boasting that we still have other commodities like Palm Oil which was trading at record levels and rubber to help cushion any negative impact on the declining income in the manufacturing sector. Then, as if god wanted to punish those stupid leaders for being dumb, the price of Palm Oil came crashing down.

In times of recession the most obvious route that any commodity would take is south since recession means less business and less business means less employment and less employment means less purchasing power and less purchasing power means less buying and less buying means glut and glut means reduced selling price and reduced selling price means less income.

Less income means less money in the bank and less money in the bank means less everything accept corruption. So back to that blurry picture. That is the picture painted now but, behold ye citizens of Boleh Land, despair not for the wizard of Pekan is here and has concocted a magic potion which your troubles would take away.

According to the Malaysian Insider, a clearer picture of Malaysia's economic future would be painted after November 4. The wizard is expected to come out with means and ways to rejuvenate the economy, read here.

Expect the media to go to town in high praise of these measures and expect them to come out with positive statements as early as 1 week after the announcement. Expect them to give magical figures quoted from some obscure sources backed by more obscure academicians from the University of Lahaq Yoi, University of Tualang Tinggi and University of Seligi.

Oh yes, by the way, below is the clearer picture that would be painted.


Sunday, 26 October 2008

Images of Old Penang

This could be not a big deal to some coz they have tons of such photos but to those who do not have, I would like to share these photos of Old Penang. Some are in black and white while others are in colour. The giveaway is definitely the cars and in the way the people dress in those days. These photos are courtesy of one of the JACHFRINS, Aravindan to be precise. Thanks so much for sharing these photos and I would like to share them with those who are interested.

I think some of the scenes were taken either when I was very young or maybe not even born yet.



This is Batu Feringhi. Thats Lover's Isle there in the sea. The beach then was definetly unspoilt and as can be seen, not a hotel in sight.




The famous Mesjid Kapitan Keling. Look at the car, that tells you that this is old.



Chulia Street. Funny, even then it looked old. The car tells you its old.




This is a scene in the ferry. Notice the dressing then. I am told this is taken in 1958.



I think this is somewhere near Padang Kota Lama. I may be wrong.



I am still trying to figure out which place this is. Can anyone help me out here? Hey I am a mainland boy and resides in Penang Island only since 1993 besides the 2 or 3 years in 1984.


The Penang Hill Police Station. The last time I went up that hill was probably 8 years ago and if I am not mistaken, the police station looked the same.



View of Penang Island from the hill. Lots of changes I tell you.


This is Penang Road of old. Notice one thing in particular? What you asked? Look, no jam.


Penang Road again. Trishaws or Lang Chia or some people like to call it lancheows were the king of the road then. Is that a Lambretta?


The Odeon Cinema. Now it plays only Tamil movies. Look at Rajnikant waiting there and again, no jam.


No jam along Penang Road. I think if you know what year the movie Annastasia was shown, it would help in determing the age of this photo.


Hey we had double deckers back then. I don't know if I had ridden in one or not. If I had, I must have been too young to remember so Kerp, don't go saying you were in one.


Besides the double decker, this is another of my favourite. Tanjong Tokong and old Malay huts. This is a classic man.



The Botanical Gardens. I remember the excitement of going there and feeding the monkeys. They still do have monkeys now and also two legged ones.


There you are pictures of old Penang. Anyone with any do not mind sharing, please email me their pictures. I'd appreciate it very much.


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Friday, 24 October 2008

The Bomoh

Datin Timah: Eh, fancy seeing you here Datin Biah. Why, you want to charm someone ka? I know this bomoh is very good one.

Datin Biah: Eh no la Datin Timah, I come because my son has been unwell lately. He's gone to many specialists but still not okay. Why are you here then? Maybe you want to charm someone kot?

Datin Timah: Eh, no la. Its for my driver. His son is taking the SPM so I want to help him la. Pity la, he is so desperate. Eh Datin Biah If I am not mistaken, Puan Seri Diana is here la. I can't be sure, I only saw her from the back la. Wait, wait the door is opening.

Datin Biah: Eh, Puan Seri Diana. Why got people sick in your house or you want to make charm?

Puan Seri Diana: Charm? This bomoh can make charm ka? I don't know la. How come you know Datin Biah? Have you done it before or are you going to do it now?

Datin Biah: Er, er, no la. I heard people say la. I came to help my sick son but you still didn't answer what you are doing here?

Puan Seri Diana: Er, er, I am here to help my husband's business la. He's hoping to get a tender. Eh, when I came just now, I saw Datin Joyah getting into her car la. I am sure she is up to no good one.

Datin Gayah: Eh, Datin Timah, Datin Biah and Puan Seri Diana! What are you all doing here?

Datin Timah: We needed some help so we heard this bomoh is good, that is why we come here.

Datin Gayah: Why your husband punya cannot stand ka? Get viagra la, why come here?

Datin Biah: No la, where got like that one. What are you doing here?

Datin Gayah: Er, my neighbour's husband has not come home for 3 days already so she asked me to come get help. Pity her la.

Puan Seri Diana: Why she didn't come here herself? Why ask you to come?

Datin Gayah: She, she is unwell, so she ask for my help la. You know how I like to help people.

Datin Timah: Waa, you are such a good neighbour la.

Assistant: Datin Timah, the bomoh is free to see you now.

Datin Timah: Okay la, Datins and Puan Seri, its my turn now. See you later okay.

Bomoh: Aha! Datin Timah, nice to see you again. What is it this time?

Datin Timah: The usual

Assistant: Datin Biah, come in please.

Bomoh: Ha, Datin Biah, the usual ka?

Datin Biah: Yes  la, apa lagi.

Assistant: Puan Seri Diana, come in please.

Bomoh: Yes, Puan Seri, yang biasa ka?

Puan Seri Diana: Wa! You clever la Tokmoh, you know everything la.

Assistant: Datin Gayah! Your turn now.

Bomoh: Yes, my dear Datin gayah, the usual ka.

Datin Gayah: Yes, here's the picture.

Bomoh: You know where to put it.

Datin Gayah: Er, Tokmoh, why did the others come here? Ala, you can tell me la, tell la. I pay you extra.

Bomoh: Let me see the picture?

Datin Gayah: Here, alaa Tokmoh, tell la, why they all come here?

Bomoh: They all brought the same picture la. They are all going to Melaka on the 29th for Datuk Shah Rukh Khan's installation.

I Need A Vacation

I went over the Ahmed Kerpomovic's Let's Go Land and was pleasantly greeted by his return from a vacation from somewhere cold somewhere in Malaysia and it got me to thinking when was it that I last had a vacation. Hmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmm, hey I can't remember. Has it really been that long?

The last time I had a serious vacation was with the whole family many revolutions around the sun ago. Yes, if I remember it right, the Sun was then a young Star, definitely younger than the morning sun we have out there today.

Come to think of it, I have not been in the well lately and could it be due to a vacationless lifestyle that I have been leading of late? In fact, I have been slipping in and out of fever the past 2 to 3 days and am not actually feeling pink as I slave my 2 fingers on this keyboard.

I am paying for my own mistakes. Now I realise it. No, not the not taking a vacation part but rather the not making myself afford a vacation part. I only have myself to blame you know.

I knew of a shortcut to affording many many luxurious vacations to way-off exotic islands but chose not to. What an arsehole and now I am whining.

All I had to do was to join a certain political party, be active, cling hard to certain successful leaders in the party, slave for them, suck up real hard till you burp and voila, I could afford to go for all the vacations I wanted.

No, seriously, lets talk about a real vacation without dirty, ill gotten money. I think I need one this year. As it is right now, with the fever and all, a cold place is not something I have in mind.

Actually my idea of a vacation is basking in the sun on a beautiful stretch of white or golden beach. I was thinking of doing it in the nude but I do not want to be cruel. Imagine a 5'5" frame covered in 106kg of blubber beached. That would just be too much, even for a nudist community. It could even get some concerned conservertionist calling the "Beached Whale Squad".

Anyway it is the monsoon season so a retreat of this nature may just turn out to be a wasted trip. I know, I think I need a trip to the capital and meet up new friends. Yes, people whom I have befriended in cyberspace but have yet to meet, that is if they would want to meet me.

I think I'd just do that. I have longed to meet my cyberfriends but all previous plans did not materialise. I hope this time around, I would be able to make it. When? Well, lets just wait. It should be some time during this coming school holidays.

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Press Release


A. The Head Office would like to inform members that tender is hereby opened for the following:

1. 1 (one) post of President.

2. 1 (one) post of Vice-President

3. 5 (five) posts of Deputy Presidents

4. Indefinite number of posts for MKT Members.

Tender forms are available at all State Headquarters and the Main Headquarters in KL.

5. All completed tender forms must be handed in unsealed, I repeat, unsealed, to the Main Headquarters by the latest 12.00 noon 31 December.

6. Tender forms must be handed in together with a non-refundable processing fee in the form of a bank draft for the following amount.

1. President - RM3,000,000 (Three Million Ringgit Malaysia)

2. Vice President - RM2,500,000 (Two million and five hundred thousand Ringgit Malaysia)

3. Deputy President - RM2,000,000 (Two million Ringgit Malaysia)

4. MKT Members - RM1,000,000 (One million Ringgit Malaysia)

B. Application forms are also available for those who would want to be delegates at the General Assembly next March. These forms can be bought at all Party Headquarters for the sum of RM50,000 (Fifty thousand Ringgit Malaysia) each.

C. The MKT, at its last meeting, has also decided on the following.

1. All Division elections held recently are declared null and void.

2. All Division posts would be held via SMS voting in a special TV programme to be aired soon called Akademi Amnosia.

3. A special audition would be held on the 2nd of January 2009. All interested are advised to report early.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

The Delegation

Ah Keat: Is everything ready?

Ah Lek: I have checked, everything is in place. What time are we going?

Ah Keat: I also don't know, let me ask Ah Ting. Er, Ah Ting, what time can we go?

Ah Ting: You got everything ready ka? You better not miss anything. This is a very important ritual. We do it after every general assembly, that is why we are still around until now.

Ah Keat: I have checked 10 times already.

Ah Ting: Aiya, your tie, its not properly done la.

Ah Lek: Mine how? Okay ka?

Ah Ting: Yours okay.

Ah Lek: Why are you smiling?

Ah Ting: No la, every time I see you I always see you without clothes la.

Ah Ting
: Don't start ah. That one over already.

Ah Keat: Why so difficult one?

Ah Ting: This is tradition la. When you see the PM, give him my regards okay?

Ah Keat: This is very shameful la. Why we all must still give Bunga Emas to UMNO?

Ah Ting: Cari makan maa!

Monday, 20 October 2008

Safe assignments please.

Constable: Sir, I don't want this duty la sir.

Boss: What is your assignment for today?

Constable: I have to ronda the Chow Kit area la sir. Please la sir, very dangerous la.

Boss: Yes you are right. That area is very dangerous. Not a good area for a policeman la. They should just ask the RELA to do it.Okay, I assign you to Parliament House.

Constable: Don't want la sir.

Boss: Why? Easy job what.

Constable: The ministers all sombong one and then the opposition also very garang one. Somemore got government BBC people like to show lewd signs also.

Boss: Like that ka? I thought Parliament House should be safe. Hmm let me see. Okay here, you escort someone to do a pap smear, can or not?

Constable: Haaa, that one can la. Government hospital or private hospital sir?

Boss: Why?

Constable: If private hospital means better la. The whole area air-cond one and the nurses not so sombong one.

Boss: Private hospital. Here go to this address and escort this person.

Constable: Thank you, thank you sir. ....... er, er, sir, I think you got the wrong file la.

Boss: Where got wrong file. Let me see it again. Yes, right file la. Go now.

Constable: But this person is Saiful!

Friday, 17 October 2008

Brave men they are.

IGP: Minah, come in please. Bring all the mails with you.

Minah: In a minute Tuan.

IGP: Before you sit, get me a cup of coffee please, black, no sugar. After the spare part change I have got to be careful with what I put in.

Minah: Yes, sir, there is nothing more important than health.

IGP: Read me the mails please.

Minah: This one is from the Raja Uda Police Station Butterworth. It says that they would like to ask for the station to be be closed because there are too many samsengs there and the personnel there are afraid for their safety sir.

IGP: Make a request to the minister to close the station. All personnel to be transferred to Sunway Lagoon as detectives. Next letter.

Minah: From Perak Headquarters sir. It says that the personnel are not happy because the state government is suspicious of them. They request to close the headquarters down and personnel be transferred.

IGP: Hmm, request minister to order closure of Perak headquarters and all personnel be transferred to Genting Theme Parks as detectives. Next letter.

Minah: From the pondok beat in Alor Setar near the stadium sir. They say that their personnel are being teased by some pondans. They are not happy because the pondans keep flashing at them. Request closure of pondok beat.

IGP: Okay, send approval for request and all personnel be given leave until posting is finalised. Next.

Minah: From the pondok beat at Lorong Gaharu Penang tuan. It says the personnel are fearful for their health because the prostitutes refuse to allow their customers to wear condoms. Request closure and transfer.

IGP: Hmm, okay, approve request and open new beat at the Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet near Sungai Dua Penang.

Minah: But you have already approved 5 new pondok beats at that outlet sir. One to transfer the pondok beat at Mak Mandin, one to transfer the pondok beat at Paya terubong and 3 to house personnels of the Bukit Mertajam police station that has been closed for safety reasons.

IGP: Okay, open up a pondok beat inside the compound of the Penang Headquarters and send them there. Next.

Minah: Request from the Perak marines division tuan. Request closure of base because the fishermen in Pangkor refused to listen to them sir. Also there are early signs of pirate activities and the personnel are afraid sir.

IGP: Request minister to close the base and request for 5 new mini bases at the meeting point of the Klang and Gombak River and a mini base at the smart tunnel in case there are floods. Next.

Minah: Request from the FRU sir. They say they are afraid of demonstrators. They request that next time there are demonstrations to send the army instead.

IGP: I can't ask the army, that is beyond my jurisdiction. Never mind reply saying that next time we will send schools cadet police members. Anymore?

Minah: Yes, sir, the minister wants to know if we need anymore police personnel in this year's intake?

IGP: Yes, tell him we need about 75,000 new personnels and 100 new police stations and 1500 pondok beats.

The Three Lakes

This lake
It is so deep
My legs couldn't touch the bottom
I am drowning.

Help me,

Thank you sir
But your lake sir,
though not as deep
is still drowning me.

Help me,

No not you
Not your lake sir
More shallow than the first
But deeper than the last

Help me.

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Kerpov's tag.

I thought I could escape Kerpov's tag on the 15 things about oneself. I pretended that nothing happened but then I made the mistake of visiting Doc and Shah's blogs a little too soon.
Both were sporting enough to comply and I was feeling fucking guilty that I let my good friend down and so to make amends I am going to make it 16.

I'll try to give infos never before revealed about me but than there is nothing much about me really so some of the infos or Dalils as Shah and Doc like to call them may not be new after all.

1. Male, born in Tanah Liat Bukit Mertajam in 1956, the year of the monkey and moved to Taman Sentosa in 1964, went to Maktab Perguruan Kinta in 1975-76, Kelantan as 1st posting from 1977 - 1981, SMK Mak Mandin Butterworth, 1982 - 1987, did my Dip in ESL in UM in 1983/84, SM Rendah BM 1988, SMK Berapit BM, 1989 to mid 1993, USM (BA Hons English Language and Literature Studies) 1993/1996, SMK Datuk Hj Mohd Nor Ahmad 1996 to Oct 2004, 3 years as Penolong Kanan Pentadbiran but kicked out because like to lawan towkay, 2 months in Unit Penilaian dan Peperiksaan JPN Penang and kicked out again because lawan towkay again. December 2004 to March 2005 as Penolong Kanan Kokurikulum but sent in resignation letter saying I don't want the post and sent to SMK Sungai Nibong in March 2005 till now.

2. Do you know that I took part in the Kejohanan Olahraga Amatur Negeri Kelantan in 1978 in the shot putt representing Pasir Puteh and was knocked out in the qualifying round.

3. Play the guitar fairly well and use to sing in my younger years. Like to jam in pubs. Appeared on same stage representing the school band together with the Alleycats and my late brother's band, the Rockers. Sang on Rediffusion once, RTM Ipoh once and RTM KB once.

4. Fairly good swimmer in my younger days but must go slow to complete a lap nowadays because I carry 106kg of tissue, bones and blubber.

5. Only became an UMNO member member in 1987. Held the post of Setiausaha Pemuda Cawangan Taman Selamat. Quit UMNO in 1998 and now wants to destroy it.

6. Had a girlfriend for 5 long years but ended up marrying my father's choice, who is my cousin and has not regretted it at all.

7. I was chased out of my English Literature class in form 5 because I did not bring my Macbeth a form 4 textbook. Worked fucking hard in the subject at home and ended up getting the English Lit prize and the teacher refused to even smile at me since I proved that I don't need her to excell.

8. Had a total of 6 motorbike accidents, 1 in BM, 3 in Ipoh, 1 in Taman Tun and 1 in Kelantan and 1 bad car accident. 2 of the motorbike accidents were quite bad and the car accident scared the shit out of me.

9. Sent to detention class twice in my 11 years in school. Once in standard 3 for not attending extra-curricular activities and once more in form 5 for giving my science teacher a hard time. Actually it was not as bad as it sound but the teacher was a real sissy. He threw a chalk at me and I threw it back at him.

10. A Manchester United fan since primary school. Hates Liverpool the most. I don't mind if Arsenal or Chelsea gets the crown but definitely not Liverpool. Some of my favourite non Man U players are Ricardo Villo, Oswaldo Ardilles, Paul Gascoigne, Shaun Wright Phillips, Robinho, James the goalie, and a few more whom I can't remember off hand. The players whose legs I wish to see broken are all Liverpool players especially Gerrard, Fabregas and Van Persie of Arsenal and Chelsea's Terry, Ballack and lampard.

11. My first car was an Alpine Chrysler given to me by my second brother who took it back to give to a cousin to handle his business in KL and this cousin crashed the car, total lost. Next an Opel Manta, given by my late brother who then gave it to someone else. Bought my 1st car, a Proton Saga Aeroback 1.3, then a Proton Saga 1.5 saloon, a Proton Saga 1.5I. Sold the car when admitted into USM. After graduating bought a used Proton Saga 1.5 saloon for a month before changing to my biggest mistake a Proton Tiara and used it for about 5 years. Then bought a used Wira 1.5 saloon, changed it for a used Wira 1.6 Aeroback Milleneum Edition before buying my present car a new Wira Aeroback 1.5 in 2005.

12. I am very lousy in drawings. Art is a difficult subject to fail and I am honoured to be amongst the few who failed art at the LCE level.

13. Likes to change handphones. None of my handphones are used for a year. There was a year where I changed handphones 3 times in a year much to my wife's displeasure and I don't blame her actually. Now salivating for an OMNIA which I think I will get before year's end.

14. Circumsised at the tender age of 4 by a mudim kampong without any aneasthetics. Had to sit on the batang pisang. Got a toy gun as reward.

15. A heavy smoker. Smokes between 35 to 40 sticks of Winston a day.

Bonus Dalil.

I admit to having an extra-marital affair once. Only once and it was good while it lasted. It started when I was in the Space Shuttle Flight to Mars to get some antidote for Pak Lah's sleeping problems. Angelina Jolie who was also in the same mission had the hots for me. My only guess is that she was attracted to my overly sexy bloated stomach. Anyway we did not do it in the shuttle but rather behind some Martian rocks. My advice to any men who would like to have a fling is to do it here on Earth. The Space Suit makes it difficult. Anyway, I have since not answered all her calls. and those from Aishwarya Rai too.

Paintball anyone?

Yipee, I am rich, I am bloody rich and I am enjoying it. You know the condo that I said I wanted to buy? Well, I have cancelled the booking and am now looking for a penthouse instead.

Yes, I am going to be living in a penthouse and I am going to get myself affiliated with Penthouse Magazine and if I am not mistaken a certain Zubli is also going to get one. Aravind is going to get 2 and I really do not know how many Doc, Kerp and Shah Rir Khan is going to get.

Again I have to to thank this kind government of ours. Wow, a whopping 15 sen reduction. Do you know what that means? I can't start to imagine.

After getting myself the Penthouse, I am going to buy myself a Eurocopter, so that I could go anywhere I want with my entourage. My entourage would of course include the likes of Angelina Jolie, Daisy Reyes, Monica Belucci, Tara Spencer and Sarah Palin as my shoe girl.

Maybe I might even get me an Apache to play paintball with my new rich neighbours. You can't expect rich people to be at home watching tv can you?

I really can't say much lest someone out there decides to copy me so whatever it is thank you for the unbelievable 15 sen reduction. Err, the last time they reduced by 15 sen there was a by-election. Is there one coming? Is there anything happening that I don't know?

So all you rich bloggers, lets rejoice.

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

What the doctor prescribes

Well, it does not matter to the MCA people that they are being made use of by Big Brother in BN. It doesn't matter that they are seen as sucking up to BB's randy dicks. It doesn't matter to them that BB wants them to ditch their race and be humble servants whose votes in Parliament would allow BB to do whatever he wants.

After the disastrous showing in March which stopped short of a total annihilation, one would have thought that these MCA buggers would call in the CSI unit from New York or Miami or Ijok to do an autopsy and advice them on their next move, but no, they would rather perform their own autopsy with BB's help and they conveniently found out that the Chinese community did not actually ditch them.

BB managed to persuade them to believe that the Chinese community was actualy teasing them at the polls and that things would be back to normal come the next election.

Heaving a sigh of relief that they are still relevant, they are back to their own self and this year sees a record number of candidates fighting for posts in their version of MKT.

What happens after their elections are over? Who wins and who loses does not matter much now. What matters most is where does the MCA go after this?

Oh yes, I heard they have been doing some serious vocal training, bringing in those who trained Pavarotti to sharpen their shrills so that they would finally be heard.

After 50 years they finally found out that their voices are not loud enough. Now they want to be loud so that BB would hear them. I believe they can be loud in their dressings, loud in their spendings and also loud in their extra-marital affairs but loud in their vocals is just not MCA.

So they believe that by being loud BB would hear them. Don't they know that BB could be louder? Hey BB controls the media and they could turn the volume knob to whatever level they want to and at any time they want to and if that is not good enough they still have a secret weapon in that guy from Bukit Bendera. Do they still think that they could be loud enough?

So why this scampering for posts in a party so ill that amongst the tools it carries is a jump-start cable for its heart. Yes, its heart too, like the Chinese community, likes to tease it by taking a complete rest once in a while.

What the MCA actually need is a heart transplant. Get rid of that errant heart it has and get a new one. A real heart that is serious when it does its job. Get rid of the heart that encourages it to hop beds, beat up rivals, stoop low, suck up and enrich its leaders.

To do that, it has to distance itself from BB, the further the better, then and only then would the Chinese community decide to stop teasing them.

Sunday, 12 October 2008

I envy this man

I envy this man. No, not because he runs free and lives the way he wants to and, no, not because he doesn't have to wear shirts and shoes and all the women in his community are likewise dressed and also not because he looks as dumb as our ministers.

From intelligence that I got, he is being courted by the states of Pahang, Johore, Negeri Sembilan, Perlis, Terengganu, Sabah and Sarawak.

Yes, you are looking at a future DATUK SERI.

Saturday, 11 October 2008

Beautiful Grandfather

Press: Wow, fancy seeing you here Mr. khan. Visiting anyone in particular or you have a new movie?

Khan: Oh, how do you know I am coming to Malaysia?

Press: No I don't but once I see you I know that this is King Khan.

Khan: Thank you, thank you. Malaysians are so kind. I love this country although some of them like to make fun of me.

Press: Make fun of you? Please I don't get you. It can't be because of all Hindi actors, you are the biggest in this country.

Khan: Really? I am honoured but I am also confused you know.

Press: Confused? Tell me, maybe I can help you.

Khan: The government of the state of Malacca has asked me to come over to confer on me a state award. They are even paying for my flight and hotel.

Press: Wow, that's good news, you should be happy not confused.

Khan: Yes, I know I should but I don't even know where Malacca is? I don't even know what I have done to the state and people of Malacca to deserve an award.

Press: Aww, don't worry about it. Malacca confers awards to just about anybody they want to. You should be glad because others have to pay for the awards.

Khan: Pay for the awards? Really? I thought they only do it in India.

Press: Yes, true. I know of a beggar who has been saving for the past 7 years. He said in 3 more years he would have saved enough for a Datukship.

Khan: Yes, yes, Datuk, Datuk something is the award they are giving me.

Press: You mean Datuk Seri?

Khan: Yes, that's it, Datuk Seri. But why do they name it beautiful grandfather? Aryan is still young.

Friday, 10 October 2008

This is shameful

Secretary: What the hell is happening to this party? This is no l0onger the party that I helped build.

DP: What do you mean? I don't understand you.

Secretary: There is a rot in this party and the rot is deteriorating really fast. It is now shameful for me to say that I am a member of a once proud party.

DP: Yes, yes, I know you are angry at something but I wouldn't be able to join you if I don't know what the hell are you mad about?

Secretary: Please, please let me compose myself. Its just that I hurt so much inside at what has become to my party. This was not the case the last time we had an election?

DP: I am warning you. If you don't let my know what the f@*k you are talking about, I would recommend that we get a new secretary.

Secretary: Sorry for the outburst. Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know that they are offering 10K for a vote for president and 5K for VP, DPs are going for 3K and MKT members 2K.

DP: Come on, you mean to tell me that you are upset about this? I know for a fact that when you were going for DP the amount was quite definitely much more. I mean this is our culture so what's the big deal?

Secretary: Exactly. This is our culture. Yes, during my time the damage was much higher, that is why I am sad. They are willing to sell themselves for pittance nowadays. Where is their pride? They have demeaned the party. A presidential vote costs only 10K. Are we that cheap?

DP: Er, er, slow down, slow down. I think I know what you want to say but at the same time I am confused.

Secretary: Look, our party is getting cheap. What would people say if they know that the rates have gone down? Where do we put our faces. Why can't they make a presidential bribe at least 50K? Hey, where is our pride.

DP: You mean, you are pissed because the rates have gone down?

Secretary: Exactly, I am willing to triple the amount. Not because I want the VP post but because I want to bring back our pride. I am thinking of getting to get the Disciplinary Committee to set a standard rate lest we be labeled as cheapskates.

Thank you Kerpov. Got this idea while reading your latest post.

You blew it.

When a group of people becomes terrorists people are fast to shout and scream without trying to understand why they resort to such an act.

Do they think that this group of people are natural born murderers out to make life difficult for others?

Do they think that suicide bombers get a kick out of knowing that his/her own body would be torn to pieces as the violent blast tugs tissue from bones and send them flying hundreds of yards away?

Do they think that they fancy knowing that their heads or whatever is left would land somewhere in the north and limbs elsewhere on the compass point making it difficult for their kins to identify any of it?

Don't just denounce terrorism as a violent act. Examine why there is terrorism in the first place. Don't go shouting and crying for punishments when, if properly addressed, there would be no terrorists and thereby no terrorism.

No I am not suddenly going global and now focusing my attention on the international scene since Pak lah has announced that he would not seek election as UMNO's numero uno.

What I want to touch on is Pak Lah's response to the Hindraf 'invasion' - at least that was what the media like to call it- at his open house. He was sad that that they did not come to wish him Selamat Hari Raya but to create a ruckus.

The media then went to town in painting the Hindraf as a recalcitrant group of Indian Hindus much like the western media's depiction of the Arabs and Muslims.

No I am not saying that Hindraf is an organisation filled with terrorists. They are just a bunch of people not satisfied with the way they are being treated. They are an organisation who not only felt cheated by their government but also by their own representatives, namely the MIC.

I do not know of their claims with the British government but I do see valid reasons for their complaints against the Malaysian government.

Have they not tried to voice out their grievances to the government? They have. Why is it that they are still voicing it out? Because their voices are not heard; because their pleas fell on deaf ears and because their own representatives chose to muffle their discontent.

Do you believe that they can simply budge into the PM's office and voice out their displeasure? No, they are not Saiful whose plea for a scholarship could get him invited into the DPM's residence for a consult.

Their leaders who fought for their cause are now in incarceration and others in their ranks are constantly reminded of a similar fate should they not cease with their demands.

Doesn't this paint the picture of a cornered victim? We all know that most cornered victims would not take the blows passively. They would fight back.

The open house is an opportunity for the Hindraf to meet the PM and say what they had wanted to say. If they had been greeted in the Hari Raya spirit at the door, I am sure they would have greeted the PM first before giving him a piece of their mind.

From what I gather the reception they received was anything but courteous. So what do we expect them to do? Turn back and walk off? If you have a genuine complaint, you wouldn't just walk off.

Why is it that others are welcome and not them? Aren't they Malaysians? The act of giving them a difficult passage to meet the PM lent credence to their cry for justice and equality.

So Pak Lah, don't complaint why Hindraf acted the way they did, ask what is their complaint and look into their complaints.

Again you have let a golden chance of doing good go down the drain like the way you refuse to deliver justice to the rest of Malaysians.

Do you know what should make you feel sad? You should feel sad that many Malaysians are happy that you are going away. You should feel sad that many are willing to party and feast when you descend.

Thursday, 9 October 2008

The Landlord

Mat: Oi Halim, where to?

Halim: Thirsty la, come join me for teh tarik.

Mat: Thirsty and you want to drink teh tarik ka? I cannot like that. I must drink something nice and cold.

Halim: What ever la, come, there is something I want to tell you la. I betoi-betoi pening kepala la.

Mat: Okay, lets go.

Halim: You know my landlord, the one I was complaining to you about?

Mat: Oh, that heartless fellow that you said you would like to C4?

Halim: Yes, la that evil fellow la. He has sold the house I am renting la.

Mat: So, you have to move ka?

Halim: No, the new owner has allowed me to stay on.

Mat: So your problem over la? No need to find C4 anymore la. Like that means you must belanja me a nice lunch.

Halim: You head la belanja. I already know this new landlord. He is as bad if not worse than the last one la.

Mat: What, worse than the last one?

Halim: Yes, teruk la. At least the last one, his wife won't meddle into his affairs, this one I tell you, I don't know how to start la.

Mat: Alamak, die la you like that.

Halim: All of us die la.

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

The process

Boy: Dad, look at that man there.

Dad: Which man?

Boy: That one in the white shirt and black pants.

Dad: They all wear the same, which man?

Boy: That one standing against the reception counter reading Utusan Malaysia upside down.

Dad: Yes, so whats with him?

Boy: Can't you see, he is hiding a dagger.

Dad: Oh that. If you look carefully, all the men and women here carry daggers.

Boy: But dad, isn't that against the law.

Dad: Yes, but no one cares actually and this doesn't happen everyday.

Boy: Why are they carrying daggers dad?

Dad: Its their election season so they need daggers to stab people in the back. Oh, don't pay them any attention. They do it all the time.

Boy: Why are there so many counters and Commissioners of Oath at every table dad?

Dad: This year's elections are no more decided by votes but by statutory declarations.

Boy: What's a statutory declaration dad?

Dad: You see, a voter would go to a Commissioner of Oath and declare that he would vote for so and so. The document that he or she signs would be a valid document.

Boy: Why don't they just vote? It would be simpler that way.

Dad: The candidates are afraid that after taking their money, the voters vote for somebody else who offers more money.

Boy: Oh, isn't taking money to vote a form of corruption?

Dad: No, not if you put the money in green packets. It becomes duit raya.

Boy: That means they cannot change their minds after this?

Dad: Actually last time, that is the case but nowadays its different. If we come tomorrow there will be different Commissioners of Oath to nullify the SDs taken today. Its called the Bala Retraction Oath.

Boy: They can do that? But then can't the candidate sue the voter if he nullifies his SD?

Dad: Not by law, but he could try try the last alternative?

Boy: What is that dad?

Dad: Day after tomorrow, if we come here, there will no more be Commissioners of Oath around, instead there will be officers from Jakim with Qurans for the Sumpah Laknat.

Monday, 6 October 2008

Living breathing and evolving language

A language is alive and vibrant if it is willing to accomodate changes. Words are constantly coined up in a natural way by people based on their experience in life.

The Malaysian political scene provides a fertile ground for the breeding of new terminologies because of its constant turmoil which grips the people's attention and thus the creation of newer and more contemporary terms.

Below are just a few examples of what may be common words in times to come.

1. He was issued a warning letter for dollahing during the meeting.

2. They put all the evidence in a box and altantuyaed it so that no one could get access to the sensitive information.

3. The epileptic was writhing on the floor and shaberying in the mouth.

4. Your honour, this is a classic doublemuhammad. My client is not conversant in the language of that country and thus did not know that he had broken the law.

5. At first there was peace until someone dastardly decided to turn sonofkoyakutty. From then on the world has never experienced justice.

6. I am not a power broker and I object to anyone calling me a triplecorrect.

7. Why are you giving all these evidence? They are simply not Augustine to the case.

8. Ladies beware, there is a pekanman on the loose.

9. The real power in the firm is not the CEO. Yes, I agree, the firm is being bigmamaed by someone sinister.

10. Although the organisation is supposed to be run by a team of people, the reality is that it is umnoed by only one person.

11. This is the 21st century, your thinking is too beeanned and therefore obsolete.

12. His kayjayness is the real cause for his downfall.

13. I never knew you are such and mca, you just do whatever he asks.

14. Although that group is supposed to be independant, in reallity it is spr. It actually does the bidding of the governing body.

As always feel free to add.

Friday, 3 October 2008

The Open House

Businessman1: Aah, selamat hari raya DS. Waa, somemore people say you not popular ah. So many people come for your open house la.

DS: You are right la. See so many Malaysians come for my open house until the food also going to finish. Hahahahaha. Stick around la. Don't forget ah, at 1.00 we adjourn to the private room.

Businessman1: No problem, no problem, I'll stick around one. There are so many people and ministers I would like to meet.

Businessman2: Ayoyo, DS, selamat hari raya la. Waa. so many people come ah. Last time MM time also not crowded like this la. The people love you la. I think you should think about staying on la. Don't worry, I can help one.

DS: Yes, la, I am thinking about that also la. Ah, don't forget, stick around, we'll have another session in the private room at 1.00.

Businessman2: Sure, sure. I say, isn't that Samy sitting there?

DS: Yes, he came at 6.30 this morning.

Businessman: Okay la DS, I want to talk something to Samy for a while. See you at 1.00.

Caterer: I say Mr. PA, the food all going to finish already la.

PA: What? So fast ah? How many pax you brought?

Caterer: As you said la. 15K.

PA: I say, I think you should bring in another 15K pax la.

DS: Ha, there you are. I have to compliment you la, everybody said the food is good la. Did you bring all 200K pax that I ordered because I am worried we may run out of food la.

Caterer: Ah! er, er, I ....

PA: Actually DS there is not enough space so he brought 50K first, another 50K is on the way. We purposely asked them to bring in 4 installments because of space and also because we want the food to be always warm.

DS: Clever, very clever. If you bring all, the food may get cold. Don't worry, next year I cater from you again. It's worth the RM50 per pax that we are paying. Okay, I have more guests.

PA: What la you er, er, you want to make him suspect ka?

Caterer: I panic la because he mentioned 200K. You told me the order was for 100K and that I should send only 15K because you are sure not many people would come. You said the order is for RM25 per pax but now DS said it is RM50. Waa. you makan alot la like this.

PA: You don't talk much, just get that extra 15K.

Businessman25: Selamat hari raya DS. Waa very grand la your celebration.

DS: Thank you, thank you. er, it's 12 now, don't forget the usual room at 1 afterwards.

Businessman24: Don't worry, I come ready for it. MM didn't come ka?

DS: No, because I didn't invite him.

Businessman24: Hahahahahahaha, good, good. Like that I like. People who kacau us, we all don't friend him.

Announcement: ladies and gentlemen. The time is now 12.45 and this open house would take a short break. We will continue at 3.00. Please leave in an orderly manner.

In the private room.

DS: Clap, clap. Okay ladies and gentlemen. Please line up here starting
from my right. DPM first, followed by ministers, deputy ministers and
then MPs. The non-muslim ministers, deputies and MPs please leave. This
is for those who celebrate raya only.

DS: Businessman1 you may proceed.

Businessman1: Selamat hari raya.

DPM: Selamat hari raya towkay, maaf zahir batin.

Minister: Selamat hari raya towkay, maaf zahir dan batin,

MP: Selamat hari raya towkay, maaf zahir dan batin.

DS: Okay, what do you all say to businessman1?

Chorus: Thank you businessman1 and thank you for the duit raya. ..........

After 1 and half hour the session ends.

Minister1: Hey how much did businessman1 give you?

MP: 50K. You got how much?

Minister1: I minister so more la. I got 125K.

MP3: That businessman19 really kedekut la. He ggave 15K only. Wait la next time.

MP6: Hey, isn't that Samy?

MP3: Where? Ya, la, that's him la. Hey Samy, Samy, come here a while.

Samy: Pelan, pelan la, jangan kuat kuat la. Nanti sumua orang tau.

MP3: What are you doing here? This one for muslims only and only for MPs and above.

Samy: I say, now I am unemployed la so I come to collect duit raya as we always do la.

Thursday, 2 October 2008

Glitch in heaven

Judge: This is a special inquiry to find out what actually happened on the day in question to decide on measures to be taken to prevent this catastrophe from ever repeating. Mr. Prosecutor, you may proceed.

Pro: Your honour, I call upon Angel 2 to take the stand. Angel 2, since you are an angel, you will not be able to lie so no oaths necessary. Tell us what happened that day.

A2: I was on my way home after my shift when I dropped by Angel4's place. He looked very tired. When I asked him if he was feeling alright, he said he was okay and that he had one more job to do before calling it the day.

Pro: What did you do then?

A2: I asked if he needed a hand, he said that his work was delicate and that I wouldn't be able to do it without proper training.

Pro: Okay thank you, now I would like to call Angel4. You are also an angel and are incapable of lying. Tell us what happened with the last job on that day.

A4: I was talking to A2 and was really tired because I had to do double shift. You see Angel3 called in sick so I thought I'd continue and maybe he could stand in for me on another day.

Pro: Did you realise you made a mistake that day?

A4: No, not at all, I thought all went well until I received a letter asking me for my log on that night. I checked through the log and was aghast that I had made a serious error.

Pro: What was the error?

A4: Since my department was the 'high priority' department, we were supposed to be extra careful and record everything we put in. As you could see in my log I put in everything that was needed accept one.

Pro: What was it that you forgot to put?

A4: First of all I would like to apologise that my negligence caused this catastrophe. As you know, being an angel, I am incapable of malice so nothing was done on purpose. I admit I was negligent and it was a result of extreme fatigue and that short conversation I had with A2 made me lost track of what I was doing.

Pro: Now tell us what is it that you forgot to put in.

A4: I was extra careful because of the highly sensitive nature of my work. I checked through all genes and double checked them before marking them ready.

Pro: Is this the log belonging to that specimen you are talking about?

A4: Yes, this is it and that is my signature.

Pro: Please mark this evidence as AAB. You may continue.

A4: Last week I was asked to produce this log that I did 60 over years ago because it seems that I had been grossly negligent in my duty resulting in a catastrophe of epic proportions.

Pro: After checking the log, did you identify any specific mistakes?

A4: Yes, I found that I made a grave mistake, infact after realising it I also checked all other logs I was involved in for the last 1 century.

Pro: Oh, you did? Did you find any other mistakes?

A4: Yes, I found 2 more. One could not be undone because it has expired and another is potentially even more dangerous.

Pro: This is very disturbing, I thought there is only one and now you say there are 3.

A4: Let me begin with the 1st one, the one that cannot be undone. I had carelessly filled in too much ego substance in the ego genes and forgot the compassion genes altogether. The evil genes left by Satan that was meant for destruction was mistakenly marked and I had inserted them into that specimen. This specimen is marked MM.

Pro: My God, what have you done? Go ahead.

A4: The next one is the AAB specimen that we are inquiring into now. After fixing the brain genes in its proper place, I forgot to fill it with the 'mind' substance.

Pro: You mean, you created a brain without any mind?

A4: I am afraid so. After checking through I also found that I had put in extra active sleep genes in the specimen.

Pro: Do you know of the gravity of these mistakes of yours? You said there is another one that could be undone, what is it?

A4: This one is marked NAR. I accidentally filled it with Boer Stud virility genes.


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