Saturday 1 August 2009

KPI surely go up one.

Reporter: It is said that the government aims to cut crime by about 20 percent, do you think this is possible?

Police: Oh yes, we are confident of reaching that target, in fact we are confident of surpassing that figure.

Reporter: You sound so confident, what are your strategies?

Police: Simple really, It will be a multi-prong attack on criminals.

Reporter: Multi-prong? Could you explain?

Police: Usually all those we call in for questionings are guilty but we had to set them free because we do not have enough evidence so what we will do is ask the government to pass a law whereby a judge must find an accused guilty if the police feels he is guilty. There will be no need for evidence.

Reporter: Don't you think that will give the police too much power?

Police: Oh, don't worry, we have never ever abused our powers. has the police ever abused power> Come on la, we are professional people la.
Reporter: What else?

Police: We will also ask the government to pass a law whereby any accidental-death while in detention or while questioning, must be considered accidental death and therefore cannot be challenged.

Reporter: Yes, if it is really accidental. You still have to prove it was accidental.

Police: Ha, yes, but the first law I mentioned just now must be taken into consideration, anything the police claims must be taken as the truth.

Reporter: Okay, but how do you define 'accidental' then?

Police: If we were to accidentally kick a suspect on the head with our heavy boots, or accidentally drown a suspect or accidentally beat the shit out of him or accidentally force him off a 9 story building. You know, that kind of stuff.

Reporter: What else?

Police: We would recommend that 95% of cases be considered as civil and not criminal.

Reporter: What do you mean?

Police: Like this, if someone robs you, it is between you and that someone and it has no bearing on the state so we consider it a civil case. If you have evidence, you sue him la. No need for the police in these cases.

Reporter: What about rape then?

Police: Same thing, it's between the rapist and his victim, it has got nothing to do with the country, so the victim sues the rapist. All these will greatly reduce our cases, giving us more time to do other work.

Reporter: Looks like with this you would not have any work to do?

Police: No, we still have plenty of work like tailing opposition members, snooping on them, concocting evidence, whacking the hell out of people, the list is endless la, we have a lot of work really.

Reporter: I don't think the people would like this. There will be mass protest.

Police: We do have an alternative though.

Reporter: Alternative? What alternative?

Police: Every known crime comes under the ISA. We just lock them up, we don't have to prove anything. I tell you with these strategies that I had mentioned, our KPI will surely go up one.


Anonymous said...

Salam cikgu,
You must be really joking cikgu. What KPI? Everything is going up,up,up already. And you can change anything with a stroke of a pen. Boleh cayakah itu KPI ? Look at Amalina our golden girl who score so many As and went to U.K under Bank Negara scholarship. The last I heard she failed in her second year medic course. What happened ? So just like PDRM, no need KPI. All bulls**t. Just do your job well and jangan TIPU rakyat.Just my 2sen cikgu

Unknown said...

Yes, and like Amalina, they have to cheat to get their KPI up. To them higher corruption means higher KPIs, higher death toll means higher KPIs.

Anonymous said...

funny lah Cikgu.

today 1 August 2009 in Kuala Lumpur, all police personnel are forced to exercise themselves attending Abolish ISA protestors, which could actually reduces their fat cholesterol hence drive down their chances of sudden death cause by cardiac arrest.

but dont worry, higher KPI will take themselves to mortuary since corruption moneys and cheats dont bring happiness to their lives and families, they'll die young before reaching 60's.

you can check and see more present police personnel dies younger than 60's due to heart attack diabetics and all sorts of funny causes, only GOD and their neighbours knows what!

romerz said...

Another gem!

Singam said...

They are not even pretending to tell the truth anymore. Their self-contradictory lies reach new depths of incredulity.

Isn't this the saddest indictment of the political intelligence of the average Malaysian?

Anonymous said...

it was on FM101.8.

lady went to police station to report on burglary. police told her they are very busy and there's no point in making the report. BETTER TO REAR A DOG to look after the house!
Surpass 20%. Better set 90% target, MUSA. Then, the police have more time to set up more roadblocks to nab speedsters and drunken drivers to reduce the number of lawbreakers.

julian said...

another marvelous article mate----keep up the good work

Unknown said...

Anonymous 18.21,
Actually they were busier going around persuading people to join the PRO ISA group.

Unknown said...

Thank you.

Unknown said...

That is the crux of the whole issue. They simply don't don't care if they spill out shit from their mouth.

Unknown said...

anon 10.47,
Actually road blocks are considered as bonuses. They are actually allowances.

Unknown said...

Thanx mate.

monsterball said...

hahahahahaha...You are incorrigible clown with so much truth told in your comical ways.
Keep it up!
Have a nice Sunday.

Unknown said...

Well, someone has to be the clown.

Anonymous said...


we all know that. there is a chinese saying. when you draw at times when you dont have to draw whats the intestine like.
reduce crime? asked RPK who is the biggest ah long in Msia. Rumours swirling that his kid now roams around in town with ah long!

anon 10.47


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