Monday, 22 June 2009

It's our welfare that they think of.

Writer: Thank you very much sir for consenting to this interview.

Bigshot: Actually I am flattered that you want to do a write up about me. All my years in the force did not go unnoticed. Thank you.

Writer: Tell me sir, how long have you been in the police force?

Bigshot: Come this August it will be 30 years.

Writer: Any noticeable changes since you first started working until now?

Bigshot: In those days, a day is considered hectic if we could get 3 reports. Sadly things have changed. Nowadays we get 3 reports every 5 minutes. In those days, a night out in the lockup was like a stay in a hotel. You would most probably be alone but now, its like a Manchester United home game, sold out.

Writer: About serious crimes sir, do you see a worrying increase in serious crimes?

Bigshot: Thank god, I am now attached to the not so serious crimes like, kidnappings, murders, rapes and ganglands and triads. I pity my friends in the serious crime departments. They are swarmed with cases? They don't get to sleep well.

Writer: Would you care to comment about this surge in serious crimes sir?

Bigshot: I don't understand our people. Don't they know that wearing black is like inviting evil? If evil possessed only the waerer, we don't care, but when people wear black, there is a possibility that evil would also infect others too. Innocent bystanders could be infected. We view this seriously. Wearing black and drinking anything black is a serious crime. Anyway when you wear black, you absorb heat, this contributes to global warming. Surely we don't want to destroy the Earth do we?

Writer: Wow, I didn't see it that way. What about wearing yellow?

Bigshot: Have you heard of jaundice? When you wear yellow, something inside you would affect your liver and gives you jaundice. This is a scientific fact. The wind will blow your sweat onto other people and they would be at risk of contracting jaundice. This could kill. This is mass murder. If you kill 1 or 2 we don't care, what is a country without the occasional murder once in a while. In fact murders give us an adrenalin rush, it kills boredom but mass murder is not to be tolerated. Just listen to us, DON'T WEAR YELLOW, or any other colour that we will decide later. Dark blue and red with 2 kris is okay. Green is being studied. We are waiting for the report from our lab in Terengganu.

Writer: That is a real eye-opener sir. Thanks for the warning. How about organising dinners sir?

Bigshot: Attending dinners is very high up in the serious crimes list. Do you know that research has proven beyond any doubt that dinners cause broken marriages? Do you know that dinners are places where adultery begins? All those fraternising results in an increase in the pheromone level of those who attend these dinners. Before the dinner even ends people would be humping other people's wives, and husbands and daughters. Don't you pity the children of broken marriages? It's these children who grow up to commit crimes. We have to nip crimes in the bud. That is why we view dinners as a serious social crime.

Writer: I am getting scared now sir. You are indeed a wise man sir. Err, one more thing what about giving out pamphlets?

Bigshot: We will absolutely not tolerate pamphleteering?

Writer: Why sir? Is it that serious?

Bigshot: We believe Chin Peng has a hand in this activity. The communists have experts who after years of research found out that words written in a certain order and aligned in a certain way is able to hypnotise people. Chin Peng is using this new method to get new recruits. We have evidence that he intends get as many recruits as possible to make a fresh attempt to topple the government. Do you think the PM's visit to China was a normal diplomatic visit? Actually the PM went to China to warn the communist regime to lay off Malaysia. They are presently shivering in their pants. They were shocked that we knew of their latest covert operation. Last I heard, they are pleading with us not to use our submarines to annihilate them.


Pak Zawi said...

Now we know what are serious crimes and what are not. I guess our list differs from other countries, even among the backward nations.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Pak Zawi,
Yes, I think the backward nations should learn from us, or is it we who should learn from them?

K L said...

To organise any successful dinner in future, make sure that IGP, CPO, etc are on the invitees list. The Rakyat will only come walking while the invited cops will come in water canon trucks.
No talking and no sound is allowed during dinner, all must behave like the old time Englishmen.
As for the dress attire, it is better to bare all since any colour may also offend one way or the other !

kopitelp16 said...

Hmmm.... an eye opener, indeed. No wonder lah.... dinner organised by oppositions are guarded with FRU and water cannon since they are categorized as serious crimes.

I need to start drinking kopi/milo and teh 'o'. No more kopi 'o'...

Anonymous said...

Dear Cikgu,

You cracked me up. However the Bigshot forgot to include old grannies as dangerous hardcore criminals, especially those grannies who make police reports about the drug addicts and lesser criminals presence around their neighbourhoods. These grannies are so dangerous that an army of police have to mount covert operations in the dead of the night to nab them. Pity the grannies if they are wearing black T-shirts, sipping kopi-o under candle light when the police made their guessing what the police will do because this is a straight forward case to Kamunting Hilton.

Kata Tak Nak said...

yes, invite them and instead of they giving ang pows they will receive fat ones.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Hmm, didn't see it that way. Wow, imagine having a dinner with armed guards. Ladies and gentlemen, this only happens in Bolehland.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Yes, grannies top the list. They would go straight to Kamunting Resort. They do not pass go and do not get to collect 200

Anonymous said...

Funny lah CikGu
I just laugh-out-loud and donno what to say...

wonder how the men-in-blue gonna stop people wearing blue as blue as those in men-in-blue wearing???

parliament will pass another color for men-in-blue to pink????

anything buleh hoh!!!

Kata Tak Nak said...

Only dark blue allowed, light blue very soi siau one.

Eskapisminda said...

Hahahahahaaaa...(ketawa tak habis2). Excellent one ! (as usual) :)


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