The King of Pop is gone and gone is an extraordinary performer. Love him or hate him but you can't deny that he has touched the hearts of millions of people, mine included.
The first time I was ever introduced to this phenomena was when I was still a kid. I can't remember if it was the Andy Williams Show or Shindig or some other show that I have forgotten but I dare say I was taken in the first time I heard him sang with his brothers.
If I am not mistaken during that time there was also another group of brothers called The Osmond Brothers fronted by a very young Donny Osmond but somehow it was the Jackson 5 that I waited everyweek.
No, I did not follow Michael and his brothers but then fast forward many years, I began to hear, Beat It, Billie Jean and Thriller and I was once again a fan.
I did follow him after that especially his rivalry with Prince, whom I don't actually like.
Whatever it is about him, he is still special. Hate him all you want but he help revolutionise modern day dance. His slick move and the unbelievable moon walk is the father of modern day moves.
I was asleep when my son's phone rang. I heard him talking with his girfriend at about 3 or 4 in morning. She called him from Bangkok just to tell him that Michael is dead. From him I gathered that she has been crying for a few days because her Michael is no more. Such is the pull of this extraordinary entertainer.
His passing has left a void that is very difficult to fill. Sorry Elvis fans, I didn't feel much when Elvis died but Lennon's and Michael's departure has surely shaken me.
I dedicate my favourite Michael Jackson song Ben to all Michael Jackson fans.
If you are a fan or if you like his songs or if you at least like this song then feel free to leave a comment.
If you want to be disrespectful then I will delete your comments.
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
Forever Missed
Saturday, 27 June 2009
The Amendment
Bigshot 1: Aiyo now susah la like this.
Bigshot2: What is susah?
Bigshot1: Now they want to amend the party's constitution to allow 60,000 people to vote Supreme Council members in.
Bigshot2: What, Gila ka? Where can do like that? Mati la.
Bigshot1: Yes, la like that sure mati one. Last time just to buy enough of the 2K+ delegates I had to spend millions, now macam mana ni?
Meanwhile in another place.
Exdelegate1: Now no syiok la become delegate.
Exdelegate2: Why? Syiok what. Can stay in hotels, makan free, and get money to vote some more.
Exdelegate1: Aiya, stay in hotel, even a tukang kebun also can do. How much can you makan? Now they want to change the peraturan. Votings will be done at the cawangan level. The cawangan delegates will vote.
Exdelegate2: Aiyo, like that means they have to buy many people la? But good also what. More people will get rich what?
Exdelegate1: Why you so lembu one. Last time when they had to buy less people they had to spend millions each, now when they want to buy so many people how much they have to spend? Where they got the money to buy so many? If last time you get 1K, now you can only get about RM50 saja la. Like that what's the point.
Exdelegate2: Aiyo, like that means now there will be many more contractors la?
Exdelegate1: What do you mean?
Exdelegate2: Yes, la, last time to jaga the few of us they give us class F licence, now got so many voters, they have to give more licence la. Lama-lama half the population of Malaysia got class F licence la. How to get job like that?
In yet another place.
Layman1: Alamak now we all sure die la. Sure no development anymore la.
Layman2: What nonsense are you talking about?
Layman1: Yes la, now they want to amend their constitution to make elections of Supreme Council members be at cawangan level. That means about 60K people will vote instead of the present 2K+.
Layman2: Good la like that. That will cut corruption.
Layman1: What cut corruption. Corrupt people won't change la. If last time a RM1 million project costs RM3 million because the idiots want to make enough to buy delegates, now the same project would cost RM20 million la, because the idiot needs to make more to buy more people. Where got money to have so many projects. Just imagine if last time a school laptop computer costs RM5K, now one will cost RM100K. Like that means each school will get only 1 laptop to be shared by all the teachers la.
In a meeting room:
Elder1: I think I want to resign from the committee la.
Elder2: Why, nice what being in this committee, everyone afraid of us.
Elder1: Last time yes la, but now when there are 60K voters who can afford to be corrupted? If it becomes to expensive to win there will be no corruption so who is going to feed us the Disciplinary committee? You know la, we all are here because no one wants us elsewhere because we all old already. Where can live on our meeting allowance only?
Elder2: I say don't worry la, sure got some odd cases one. This time we charge more la, enough to cover our lifestyle.
Elder1: If 60K people corrupt, where we got time to investigate? How many thousand people people must we employ?
Bigshot2: What is susah?
Bigshot1: Now they want to amend the party's constitution to allow 60,000 people to vote Supreme Council members in.
Bigshot2: What, Gila ka? Where can do like that? Mati la.
Bigshot1: Yes, la like that sure mati one. Last time just to buy enough of the 2K+ delegates I had to spend millions, now macam mana ni?
Meanwhile in another place.
Exdelegate1: Now no syiok la become delegate.
Exdelegate2: Why? Syiok what. Can stay in hotels, makan free, and get money to vote some more.
Exdelegate1: Aiya, stay in hotel, even a tukang kebun also can do. How much can you makan? Now they want to change the peraturan. Votings will be done at the cawangan level. The cawangan delegates will vote.
Exdelegate2: Aiyo, like that means they have to buy many people la? But good also what. More people will get rich what?
Exdelegate1: Why you so lembu one. Last time when they had to buy less people they had to spend millions each, now when they want to buy so many people how much they have to spend? Where they got the money to buy so many? If last time you get 1K, now you can only get about RM50 saja la. Like that what's the point.
Exdelegate2: Aiyo, like that means now there will be many more contractors la?
Exdelegate1: What do you mean?
Exdelegate2: Yes, la, last time to jaga the few of us they give us class F licence, now got so many voters, they have to give more licence la. Lama-lama half the population of Malaysia got class F licence la. How to get job like that?
In yet another place.
Layman1: Alamak now we all sure die la. Sure no development anymore la.
Layman2: What nonsense are you talking about?
Layman1: Yes la, now they want to amend their constitution to make elections of Supreme Council members be at cawangan level. That means about 60K people will vote instead of the present 2K+.
Layman2: Good la like that. That will cut corruption.
Layman1: What cut corruption. Corrupt people won't change la. If last time a RM1 million project costs RM3 million because the idiots want to make enough to buy delegates, now the same project would cost RM20 million la, because the idiot needs to make more to buy more people. Where got money to have so many projects. Just imagine if last time a school laptop computer costs RM5K, now one will cost RM100K. Like that means each school will get only 1 laptop to be shared by all the teachers la.
In a meeting room:
Elder1: I think I want to resign from the committee la.
Elder2: Why, nice what being in this committee, everyone afraid of us.
Elder1: Last time yes la, but now when there are 60K voters who can afford to be corrupted? If it becomes to expensive to win there will be no corruption so who is going to feed us the Disciplinary committee? You know la, we all are here because no one wants us elsewhere because we all old already. Where can live on our meeting allowance only?
Elder2: I say don't worry la, sure got some odd cases one. This time we charge more la, enough to cover our lifestyle.
Elder1: If 60K people corrupt, where we got time to investigate? How many thousand people people must we employ?
Friday, 26 June 2009
Aiyo, sad la.
Bahalol: Oi Samdol, come here la drink with me.
Samdol: Waa, Bahalol, you also here ka? I say, bahalol, don't call me Samdol in public la, not nice if people hear. Call me Sam baru la ada kick sikit.
Bahalol: Okay, okay no problem Sam, but you pun don't call me Bahalol la. Just call me Michael cukup la.
Samdol: What Michael? Michael is nowhere near to Bahalol, at least Sam is short for Samdol.
Bahalol: Aiya, you don't know ka, my favourite singer is Michael Jackson?
Samdol: So you still idolise Michael Jackson ka? Hey haven't you heard that he just mati?
Bahalol: That is why I am drinking my sorrows here. I cannot believe that he has gone la.
Samdol: That is why I am here too. I really syiok his singing and moonwalk la. What a great lost la. I have never been sadder in my life la. Eh, forget about it la. Woi, I heard your company lost quite a lot, how come?
Bahalol: What do you mean how come? Its tradition la for my company to lose money. We make a few million for one or two years and then we lose a few hundred million for a few years in a row la. Biasa la tu.
Samdol: How much you lost this time?
Bahalol: I also can't remember la. I am still sad with the death la, but all I can remember is its quite a lot la. Hahahahaha, terer or not?
Samdol: You did not read yesterday's papers ka? My company also lost big time la. You think you only terer ka? Hahahaha. If you can lose, I also can lose. We both terer la but I think I more terer than you la.
Bahalol: Oi, oi, where you got more terer than me? This time we all lost really a lot you know? You think you can lose as much as us ka?
Samdol: Yes la you lost more than us but your business is bigger. If our company is as big as yours, I am sure we can lose more than you la. Considering our size, I think we all lose more than you, percentage wise la.
Bahalol: Where got percentage wise one? We count how much you lose, how much I lose in terms of ringgit and sen la.
Samdol: Not fair la like that. Like that means, every year you will lose the most la. How to beat you like that?
Bahalol: Next time do like me la, join MAS not PROTON. Aiyo, I am still sad la.
Samdol: Waa, Bahalol, you also here ka? I say, bahalol, don't call me Samdol in public la, not nice if people hear. Call me Sam baru la ada kick sikit.
Bahalol: Okay, okay no problem Sam, but you pun don't call me Bahalol la. Just call me Michael cukup la.
Samdol: What Michael? Michael is nowhere near to Bahalol, at least Sam is short for Samdol.
Bahalol: Aiya, you don't know ka, my favourite singer is Michael Jackson?
Samdol: So you still idolise Michael Jackson ka? Hey haven't you heard that he just mati?
Bahalol: That is why I am drinking my sorrows here. I cannot believe that he has gone la.
Samdol: That is why I am here too. I really syiok his singing and moonwalk la. What a great lost la. I have never been sadder in my life la. Eh, forget about it la. Woi, I heard your company lost quite a lot, how come?
Bahalol: What do you mean how come? Its tradition la for my company to lose money. We make a few million for one or two years and then we lose a few hundred million for a few years in a row la. Biasa la tu.
Samdol: How much you lost this time?
Bahalol: I also can't remember la. I am still sad with the death la, but all I can remember is its quite a lot la. Hahahahaha, terer or not?
Samdol: You did not read yesterday's papers ka? My company also lost big time la. You think you only terer ka? Hahahaha. If you can lose, I also can lose. We both terer la but I think I more terer than you la.
Bahalol: Oi, oi, where you got more terer than me? This time we all lost really a lot you know? You think you can lose as much as us ka?
Samdol: Yes la you lost more than us but your business is bigger. If our company is as big as yours, I am sure we can lose more than you la. Considering our size, I think we all lose more than you, percentage wise la.
Bahalol: Where got percentage wise one? We count how much you lose, how much I lose in terms of ringgit and sen la.
Samdol: Not fair la like that. Like that means, every year you will lose the most la. How to beat you like that?
Bahalol: Next time do like me la, join MAS not PROTON. Aiyo, I am still sad la.
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
DUTY
I agree whole-heartedly with the PM when he said that it is Islamic to work towards unity. I think he also wanted to say that by unity he means unity amongst all races. Please may I add to what more the PM had also wanted to say but due to lack of time, he couldn't. I mean if he was talking about what is Islamic then I am sure he also meant to include the list I have laboriously two-finger typed below. I think he wanted us to exercise the reading skill of reading between the lines. After reading between the lines I found out that the PM had also wanted to say the following.
1. It is Islamic to eradicate corruption.
2. It is Islamic to not detain anyone without trial.
3. It is Islamic to ensure that detainess also have rights and to ensure that the detainers provide security to their detainees.
4. It is Islamic to ensure that law enforcers enforce the law and not break them.
5. It is Islamic to not show and give favours to ones's friends when one is in position of power.
6. It is Islamic to not rob the people of their chosen government.
7. It is Islamic to allow people to wear clothes of any colour they want as long as they dress up.
8. It is Islamic to take action against all law-breakers and not enforce the law selectively.
9. It is Islamic to not flaunt one's riches.
10. It is Islamic to ensure a clean judiciary is in place in one's country especially when one has the authority to do it.
11. It is Islamic to ensure that every single sen of state's money is spent on the people and for the people.
12. It is Islamic that the people are allowed to get accurate information from their government.
I have some more to add but let me stop here and go to another very important thing that I had wanted to add to this topic.
Don't anyone ever be mistaken that only Islam subscribe to these values. What the PM should have said is that it is the religious duty of humanity to seek unity and also to the rest that I have stated.
Care to add some more?
1. It is Islamic to eradicate corruption.
2. It is Islamic to not detain anyone without trial.
3. It is Islamic to ensure that detainess also have rights and to ensure that the detainers provide security to their detainees.
4. It is Islamic to ensure that law enforcers enforce the law and not break them.
5. It is Islamic to not show and give favours to ones's friends when one is in position of power.
6. It is Islamic to not rob the people of their chosen government.
7. It is Islamic to allow people to wear clothes of any colour they want as long as they dress up.
8. It is Islamic to take action against all law-breakers and not enforce the law selectively.
9. It is Islamic to not flaunt one's riches.
10. It is Islamic to ensure a clean judiciary is in place in one's country especially when one has the authority to do it.
11. It is Islamic to ensure that every single sen of state's money is spent on the people and for the people.
12. It is Islamic that the people are allowed to get accurate information from their government.
I have some more to add but let me stop here and go to another very important thing that I had wanted to add to this topic.
Don't anyone ever be mistaken that only Islam subscribe to these values. What the PM should have said is that it is the religious duty of humanity to seek unity and also to the rest that I have stated.
Care to add some more?
The Importantation of English
Press Statement By The Ministry Of Education
The Ministry of Education has findinged that the standeds of Inggeris in the county was very low and not very high so after many many considerisationing off this mater, the Ministry has decidinged to makinged Inggeris a compulsion sabjek to the SPM.
The Ministry oso has the realized that more then one tichers are not goods in the Inggeris so The Ministry has making the result to importation Inggeris tichers from far far away county.
Next year, 5 containers of Inggeris tichers from England will be come to Malaysia to starts working to improving the standeds of Inggeris. The Trading Ministry have oredy giving the APs to importation the tichers. Onli tichers without H1N1 will be approved. (hahahaha joking onli)
If this many tichers is never enough, the Ministry will applying for APs to importation tichers from Ostolia, New Ziland and Scottishland.
All the students will oso getting the leptop komputer person by person. Strimik oso will helping the ministry to supplying the students with no wire modem so they all the students can learning the Inggeris by no wire.
The Ministry oso got check the internet to see if got webside or blok good for learning the Inggeris and has reccomendationing many many webside and bloks but cannot go to katataknak becos he not good one.
The Minister say this pograme has costing the Ministry 5 thousands millions ringgit 1 years. He is saying never mind pay so many money becos the produce is also very many and very good for the county.
Tomorrow the Minister of Education will tell the Malaysians peoples about this sabjeks on the telivisyens.
The Ministry of Education has findinged that the standeds of Inggeris in the county was very low and not very high so after many many considerisationing off this mater, the Ministry has decidinged to makinged Inggeris a compulsion sabjek to the SPM.
The Ministry oso has the realized that more then one tichers are not goods in the Inggeris so The Ministry has making the result to importation Inggeris tichers from far far away county.
Next year, 5 containers of Inggeris tichers from England will be come to Malaysia to starts working to improving the standeds of Inggeris. The Trading Ministry have oredy giving the APs to importation the tichers. Onli tichers without H1N1 will be approved. (hahahaha joking onli)
If this many tichers is never enough, the Ministry will applying for APs to importation tichers from Ostolia, New Ziland and Scottishland.
All the students will oso getting the leptop komputer person by person. Strimik oso will helping the ministry to supplying the students with no wire modem so they all the students can learning the Inggeris by no wire.
The Ministry oso got check the internet to see if got webside or blok good for learning the Inggeris and has reccomendationing many many webside and bloks but cannot go to katataknak becos he not good one.
The Minister say this pograme has costing the Ministry 5 thousands millions ringgit 1 years. He is saying never mind pay so many money becos the produce is also very many and very good for the county.
Tomorrow the Minister of Education will tell the Malaysians peoples about this sabjeks on the telivisyens.
Monday, 22 June 2009
It's our welfare that they think of.
Writer: Thank you very much sir for consenting to this interview.
Bigshot: Actually I am flattered that you want to do a write up about me. All my years in the force did not go unnoticed. Thank you.
Writer: Tell me sir, how long have you been in the police force?
Bigshot: Come this August it will be 30 years.
Writer: Any noticeable changes since you first started working until now?
Bigshot: In those days, a day is considered hectic if we could get 3 reports. Sadly things have changed. Nowadays we get 3 reports every 5 minutes. In those days, a night out in the lockup was like a stay in a hotel. You would most probably be alone but now, its like a Manchester United home game, sold out.
Writer: About serious crimes sir, do you see a worrying increase in serious crimes?
Bigshot: Thank god, I am now attached to the not so serious crimes like, kidnappings, murders, rapes and ganglands and triads. I pity my friends in the serious crime departments. They are swarmed with cases? They don't get to sleep well.
Writer: Would you care to comment about this surge in serious crimes sir?
Bigshot: I don't understand our people. Don't they know that wearing black is like inviting evil? If evil possessed only the waerer, we don't care, but when people wear black, there is a possibility that evil would also infect others too. Innocent bystanders could be infected. We view this seriously. Wearing black and drinking anything black is a serious crime. Anyway when you wear black, you absorb heat, this contributes to global warming. Surely we don't want to destroy the Earth do we?
Writer: Wow, I didn't see it that way. What about wearing yellow?
Bigshot: Have you heard of jaundice? When you wear yellow, something inside you would affect your liver and gives you jaundice. This is a scientific fact. The wind will blow your sweat onto other people and they would be at risk of contracting jaundice. This could kill. This is mass murder. If you kill 1 or 2 we don't care, what is a country without the occasional murder once in a while. In fact murders give us an adrenalin rush, it kills boredom but mass murder is not to be tolerated. Just listen to us, DON'T WEAR YELLOW, or any other colour that we will decide later. Dark blue and red with 2 kris is okay. Green is being studied. We are waiting for the report from our lab in Terengganu.
Writer: That is a real eye-opener sir. Thanks for the warning. How about organising dinners sir?
Bigshot: Attending dinners is very high up in the serious crimes list. Do you know that research has proven beyond any doubt that dinners cause broken marriages? Do you know that dinners are places where adultery begins? All those fraternising results in an increase in the pheromone level of those who attend these dinners. Before the dinner even ends people would be humping other people's wives, and husbands and daughters. Don't you pity the children of broken marriages? It's these children who grow up to commit crimes. We have to nip crimes in the bud. That is why we view dinners as a serious social crime.
Writer: I am getting scared now sir. You are indeed a wise man sir. Err, one more thing what about giving out pamphlets?
Bigshot: We will absolutely not tolerate pamphleteering?
Writer: Why sir? Is it that serious?
Bigshot: We believe Chin Peng has a hand in this activity. The communists have experts who after years of research found out that words written in a certain order and aligned in a certain way is able to hypnotise people. Chin Peng is using this new method to get new recruits. We have evidence that he intends get as many recruits as possible to make a fresh attempt to topple the government. Do you think the PM's visit to China was a normal diplomatic visit? Actually the PM went to China to warn the communist regime to lay off Malaysia. They are presently shivering in their pants. They were shocked that we knew of their latest covert operation. Last I heard, they are pleading with us not to use our submarines to annihilate them.
Bigshot: Actually I am flattered that you want to do a write up about me. All my years in the force did not go unnoticed. Thank you.
Writer: Tell me sir, how long have you been in the police force?
Bigshot: Come this August it will be 30 years.
Writer: Any noticeable changes since you first started working until now?
Bigshot: In those days, a day is considered hectic if we could get 3 reports. Sadly things have changed. Nowadays we get 3 reports every 5 minutes. In those days, a night out in the lockup was like a stay in a hotel. You would most probably be alone but now, its like a Manchester United home game, sold out.
Writer: About serious crimes sir, do you see a worrying increase in serious crimes?
Bigshot: Thank god, I am now attached to the not so serious crimes like, kidnappings, murders, rapes and ganglands and triads. I pity my friends in the serious crime departments. They are swarmed with cases? They don't get to sleep well.
Writer: Would you care to comment about this surge in serious crimes sir?
Bigshot: I don't understand our people. Don't they know that wearing black is like inviting evil? If evil possessed only the waerer, we don't care, but when people wear black, there is a possibility that evil would also infect others too. Innocent bystanders could be infected. We view this seriously. Wearing black and drinking anything black is a serious crime. Anyway when you wear black, you absorb heat, this contributes to global warming. Surely we don't want to destroy the Earth do we?
Writer: Wow, I didn't see it that way. What about wearing yellow?
Bigshot: Have you heard of jaundice? When you wear yellow, something inside you would affect your liver and gives you jaundice. This is a scientific fact. The wind will blow your sweat onto other people and they would be at risk of contracting jaundice. This could kill. This is mass murder. If you kill 1 or 2 we don't care, what is a country without the occasional murder once in a while. In fact murders give us an adrenalin rush, it kills boredom but mass murder is not to be tolerated. Just listen to us, DON'T WEAR YELLOW, or any other colour that we will decide later. Dark blue and red with 2 kris is okay. Green is being studied. We are waiting for the report from our lab in Terengganu.
Writer: That is a real eye-opener sir. Thanks for the warning. How about organising dinners sir?
Bigshot: Attending dinners is very high up in the serious crimes list. Do you know that research has proven beyond any doubt that dinners cause broken marriages? Do you know that dinners are places where adultery begins? All those fraternising results in an increase in the pheromone level of those who attend these dinners. Before the dinner even ends people would be humping other people's wives, and husbands and daughters. Don't you pity the children of broken marriages? It's these children who grow up to commit crimes. We have to nip crimes in the bud. That is why we view dinners as a serious social crime.
Writer: I am getting scared now sir. You are indeed a wise man sir. Err, one more thing what about giving out pamphlets?
Bigshot: We will absolutely not tolerate pamphleteering?
Writer: Why sir? Is it that serious?
Bigshot: We believe Chin Peng has a hand in this activity. The communists have experts who after years of research found out that words written in a certain order and aligned in a certain way is able to hypnotise people. Chin Peng is using this new method to get new recruits. We have evidence that he intends get as many recruits as possible to make a fresh attempt to topple the government. Do you think the PM's visit to China was a normal diplomatic visit? Actually the PM went to China to warn the communist regime to lay off Malaysia. They are presently shivering in their pants. They were shocked that we knew of their latest covert operation. Last I heard, they are pleading with us not to use our submarines to annihilate them.
Sunday, 21 June 2009
Under Siege
Sarg: Okay bring the group in. What are they here for?
Const: We believe they are Ah Longs boss.
Sarg: What? Ah Longs? Are you sure?
Const: We caught them chasing someone right in the middle of the road boss. The assailant was bleeding boss.
Sarg: Maybe they were playing only, you can't be sure. Maybe it was paint and not blood. You just can't arrest people on mere suspicion. Its bad for us. Where is the assailant?
Const: He disappeared boss.
Sarg: So you mean there is no complainant? Where got case like this. Release them. I say, sorry la kawan, ini constable baru punya orang, dia tak tau apa punya.
Ah Long: Takpa, takpa. Manyak trima kasih Datuk. Nanti kita jumpa ah?
Sarg: Bring that group of people here. What's their crime?
Const: They were caught selling pirated CDs boss. Got pornography also.
Sarg: How do you know those CDs are pirated?
Const: No sticker boss.
Sarg: Just because no sticker doesn't mean pirated. Did you see them producing those CDs?
Const: No boss, we caught them selling at the roadside. Can't be original boss. They were selling at RM4 per CD boss.
Sarg: What price they sell is not our business. This is market forces la. You cannot simply catch people la. may6be they are in a good mood and decide to sell cheaply, who knows?
Const: But, but boss, what about the porn?
Sarg: Did you view the porn?
Const: No boss, we don't have a player but the sleeves are hardcore porn sir.
Sarg: Just sleeves doesn't mean it's porn. Who knows maybe they are videos of some kenduri or birthday party? Release them. Sorry la Ah Kow. Ini orang baru, dia tak tau apa punya.
Ah Kow: Talak apa Latok. Manyak trima kasih, nanti kita jumpa ah?
Sarg: Okay, okay, nanti malam. Where are those people going?
Const: Oh, Corporal Samad has taken their statements and released them.
Sarg: Why were they brought here?
Const: Nothing la boss, they were distributing pamphlets sir?
Sarg: What pamphlets?
Const: Anti PPSMI pamphlets sir.
Sarg: WHAT? Call the FRU, call the Special Branch, call Bukit Aman, call inteligence, FBI, CIA, Interpol, call the commandos, the army, the bomba and call my wife and tell her I won't be coming home tonight, cordon off this area, arrest them again, if they resist, shoot them.
Const: We believe they are Ah Longs boss.
Sarg: What? Ah Longs? Are you sure?
Const: We caught them chasing someone right in the middle of the road boss. The assailant was bleeding boss.
Sarg: Maybe they were playing only, you can't be sure. Maybe it was paint and not blood. You just can't arrest people on mere suspicion. Its bad for us. Where is the assailant?
Const: He disappeared boss.
Sarg: So you mean there is no complainant? Where got case like this. Release them. I say, sorry la kawan, ini constable baru punya orang, dia tak tau apa punya.
Ah Long: Takpa, takpa. Manyak trima kasih Datuk. Nanti kita jumpa ah?
Sarg: Bring that group of people here. What's their crime?
Const: They were caught selling pirated CDs boss. Got pornography also.
Sarg: How do you know those CDs are pirated?
Const: No sticker boss.
Sarg: Just because no sticker doesn't mean pirated. Did you see them producing those CDs?
Const: No boss, we caught them selling at the roadside. Can't be original boss. They were selling at RM4 per CD boss.
Sarg: What price they sell is not our business. This is market forces la. You cannot simply catch people la. may6be they are in a good mood and decide to sell cheaply, who knows?
Const: But, but boss, what about the porn?
Sarg: Did you view the porn?
Const: No boss, we don't have a player but the sleeves are hardcore porn sir.
Sarg: Just sleeves doesn't mean it's porn. Who knows maybe they are videos of some kenduri or birthday party? Release them. Sorry la Ah Kow. Ini orang baru, dia tak tau apa punya.
Ah Kow: Talak apa Latok. Manyak trima kasih, nanti kita jumpa ah?
Sarg: Okay, okay, nanti malam. Where are those people going?
Const: Oh, Corporal Samad has taken their statements and released them.
Sarg: Why were they brought here?
Const: Nothing la boss, they were distributing pamphlets sir?
Sarg: What pamphlets?
Const: Anti PPSMI pamphlets sir.
Sarg: WHAT? Call the FRU, call the Special Branch, call Bukit Aman, call inteligence, FBI, CIA, Interpol, call the commandos, the army, the bomba and call my wife and tell her I won't be coming home tonight, cordon off this area, arrest them again, if they resist, shoot them.
Friday, 19 June 2009
Who's rocking the boat?
Man1: Did anyone follow you here?
Man2: Nope, the coast is clear.
Man1: Are you sure? I don't feel too good about meeting like this. Why don't we meet overseas like last time.
Man2: They would expect us to do it that way. They know we've been meeting overseas so this time we fool them.
Man1: Okay, I can buy that but why in this god-forsaken place? There are mosquitoes, for god's sake. Why can't we meet in one of those 5 or 6 star hotels? Its more comfortable there and the food sure is better than this nasi bungkus we have here.
Man2: I say, come on la, you think I like meeting like this ka? I also want to meet in one of those posh hotels. If people were to see me there, it makes no difference coz for people like me its a normal thing but to see you there without your robe would sure to arouse suspicion.
Man1: I hope we can get this all done with so that I could be with your people. You can't imagine the discomfort I had to endure wearing robes. How I envy you and your kind with your expensive suits, bungalows and cars.
Man2: Those suits are nothing man. When you finally persuade them to join us, I'll take you to someplace where they wear nothing.
Man1: Astarghfirullah, how could you say that?
Man2: Don't try to act good la. Don't be a hypocrite. What's the difference between fucking around and betraying people's trusts? At least if I fuck around, I don't hurt other people.
Man1: Look man, I have been getting fired left and right so I don't need this from you okay?
Man2: Okay, let's start the boat and head out to the middle of the lake. No one would notice us there now that its dark already.
Man1: You sure no one can see us here? I am afraid la.
Man2: Don't you fear la, my men are ashore covering the area, no one could get in. What is there to report? When are you going to bring your people to join us? The boss is getting a little edgy.
Man1: Not so soon la. The big boss is pissed la.
Man2: That I know already, tell me something new.
Man1: I think we have to lie low for sometime la. We will make some statements to sooth the supporters while we find another way.
Man2: Shit, is this what you have to report? This is not good man. We need your people to join and we want it yesterday.
Man1: Haven't you heard about patience and how patience is half of 'Iman'?
Man2: Hey, idiot, don't preach la. Is meeting like this to betray your people 'Iman'? Shit, you are so dense la.
Man1: Even if you are angry at me you don't have to rock the boat.
Man2: Don't you worry, I am not rocking the boat. I am quite a patient man.
Man1: I am not talking about the proverbial 'rock the boat'.
Man2: Hey, hey who's shaking this boat, no, no, help, help, I can't swim, what's happening, who's shaking this boat. Aaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
( Meanwhile in an undisclosed place)
Chinese1: Apa, ah, I just can't help thinking about it la.
Chinese2: What have you been thinking Ah Seng?
Chinese1: You remember or not about 30 years at kenyir River?
Chinese2: Yes, how could I forget that one. I love them very much la.
Chinese1: I wonder how those Arapaima Gigas are, if they are still alive that is.
Man2: Nope, the coast is clear.
Man1: Are you sure? I don't feel too good about meeting like this. Why don't we meet overseas like last time.
Man2: They would expect us to do it that way. They know we've been meeting overseas so this time we fool them.
Man1: Okay, I can buy that but why in this god-forsaken place? There are mosquitoes, for god's sake. Why can't we meet in one of those 5 or 6 star hotels? Its more comfortable there and the food sure is better than this nasi bungkus we have here.
Man2: I say, come on la, you think I like meeting like this ka? I also want to meet in one of those posh hotels. If people were to see me there, it makes no difference coz for people like me its a normal thing but to see you there without your robe would sure to arouse suspicion.
Man1: I hope we can get this all done with so that I could be with your people. You can't imagine the discomfort I had to endure wearing robes. How I envy you and your kind with your expensive suits, bungalows and cars.
Man2: Those suits are nothing man. When you finally persuade them to join us, I'll take you to someplace where they wear nothing.
Man1: Astarghfirullah, how could you say that?
Man2: Don't try to act good la. Don't be a hypocrite. What's the difference between fucking around and betraying people's trusts? At least if I fuck around, I don't hurt other people.
Man1: Look man, I have been getting fired left and right so I don't need this from you okay?
Man2: Okay, let's start the boat and head out to the middle of the lake. No one would notice us there now that its dark already.
Man1: You sure no one can see us here? I am afraid la.
Man2: Don't you fear la, my men are ashore covering the area, no one could get in. What is there to report? When are you going to bring your people to join us? The boss is getting a little edgy.
Man1: Not so soon la. The big boss is pissed la.
Man2: That I know already, tell me something new.
Man1: I think we have to lie low for sometime la. We will make some statements to sooth the supporters while we find another way.
Man2: Shit, is this what you have to report? This is not good man. We need your people to join and we want it yesterday.
Man1: Haven't you heard about patience and how patience is half of 'Iman'?
Man2: Hey, idiot, don't preach la. Is meeting like this to betray your people 'Iman'? Shit, you are so dense la.
Man1: Even if you are angry at me you don't have to rock the boat.
Man2: Don't you worry, I am not rocking the boat. I am quite a patient man.
Man1: I am not talking about the proverbial 'rock the boat'.
Man2: Hey, hey who's shaking this boat, no, no, help, help, I can't swim, what's happening, who's shaking this boat. Aaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
( Meanwhile in an undisclosed place)
Chinese1: Apa, ah, I just can't help thinking about it la.
Chinese2: What have you been thinking Ah Seng?
Chinese1: You remember or not about 30 years at kenyir River?
Chinese2: Yes, how could I forget that one. I love them very much la.
Chinese1: I wonder how those Arapaima Gigas are, if they are still alive that is.
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
No porn please, we are civil servants?
KUALA LUMPUR, June 16 – Barred from online chatting, or moving files
larger than 10 megabytes, Malaysian civil servants are also banned from
accessing dozens of porn sites, the Parliament was told today.
They are also not allowed to use the Internet facility in the office to play games, videos and music.
Civil servants are also prohibited from using the modem to directly access the Internet.
In a written reply to a question from Seputeh MP Teresa Kok, the
Prime Minister listed down the addresses of 38 local porn sites which
are considered offensive by the government.
I got the above here. Please look carefully at the phrases in red. They are quite interesting. First let me tell you that I do not know if those are the exact words of the government or the people at Malaysian Insider chose to report it that way. I am going to take it that those are the words used by the gomen so if I am wrong, blame Malaysian Insider.
1. Malaysian civil servants are also banned from
accessing dozens of porn sites
I am a Malaysian civil servant. From the above I am made to understand that I am not allowed to access dozens of porn sites. I understand that there are tens of thousands of porn sites and Malaysian civil servants are only not allowed to access dozens, meaning, we can access the rest? Hey let us know man. To make it easier on you, let us know the names of the dozens of porn sites that we are not allowed to access. We will pin the names on our notice boards. Porn sites not in the list are okay. Hey I am beginning to like this government already.
2. prohibited from using the modem to directly access the Internet.Now this is getting me a bit confused. I have internet connection at home. I get through the net via a modem. We have internet access in school and we could only get through via modem. I have friends who subscribe to Maxis and Celcom broadband and they swore to me that they could only access the net through modems provided by the above companies. I still have friends who use dial-up, you know the 56K dinosaurs? I could have sworn that they call those contraptions modems.
I admit I am not that tech savvy but how the hell do you access the net without modems? If government offices, like district offices, school offices and staff rooms and computer labs, state secretariats and the lots are not allowed to use the modem to access the internet, what do they use? If there were gadgets that allow one to access the internet without modems, are the offices mentioned earlier equipped with them? You mean we could throw our modems away?
3. 38 local porn sites which
are considered offensive by the government.
From the above, only 38 local porn sites are deemed offensive by the government. Are there only 38 local porn sites or are there more? If there are more than 38 are those not in the 38, not offensive? If there are only 38 and they are considered offensive what about the tens of thousands of foreign porn sites? Are they not offensive and therefore civil servants are allowed to access them as long as they do it without modems, if that is possible and available? To clear this confusion please send a circular to all government departments with a list of the offensive porn sites so that we, civil servants, may avoid them and not get on the wrong side of the law. We promise we will not chat or move files larger than 10mb. We will only visit non offensive porn sites and drool.
Sunday, 14 June 2009
Privatisation
Who knows with the spate of privatisation here in our country, this might happen to us?
Enjoy.
Saturday, 13 June 2009
The Visit
PM: Its very nice of you to come for this visit. It has been very fruitfull and really you are a very charming man.
MM: I am very happy to be here. There's so much goodwill here. I feel accepted evrywhere I go. Tell you the truth, at first I thought I would be in for a hard time. Thank you so much for being such a warm and gracious host. The missus? Isn't she here?
PM: She sends her regards and asked me to apologise to you for her absence.
MM: Please send her my regards. I hope this would mark a new beginning in our relationship as neighbours err, don't forget about the bridge and the sand?
PM: Don't you worry about that. As they say it here, all kowtim. Goodbye MM and have a safe flight back.
MM: Goodbye and hope to be back soon with more people in our entourage so that we could speed things up a bit.
PM: Speed things up? I don't understand.
MM: Err, I mean our joint projects, gotta go. Bye.
PM: Bye! (aside) What does he mean by speed things up? Hmmm, ah, maybe its nothing.
MM: All our men on board?
Sec: Yes, sir, all accounted for.
MM: Our luggage?
Sec: All accounted for sir.
MM: Including the new nones?
Sec: Yes, sir, including the new ones.
MM: Call my son and ask him to get us a bus and a truck and meet us on the tarmac.
(At a secret place in Sing City)
MM: Okay men empty all your pockets and open up all the bags and empty them here.
LHL: Ayaa, apaa, where got enough? You go for almost a week and you bring back only this much ah?
MM: Come on la son, our pockets are only this big and we can't carry many bags in our private jet. Never mind, I already told them I would be going again. This time we take a cruise ship there.
LHL: Thats a good idea. Please do it fast la, we need more sand.
Friday, 12 June 2009
Big bucks and I don't mean deers.
This is the season of big bucks. Gone are the days you hear of hundreds of ringgits or thousands of ringgits. This is the season of tens of millions or billions of either ringgits or dollars or pounds.
Barely a few days after Kaka was signed for a staggering 65 million pounds, Ronaldo is being snared by the same team that bought Kaka for a mind boggling 80 million pounds. Gone are the days when a million pounds would rope in a high quality player.
That is football, what about the football stadiums? Arsenal are not able to buy very high priced players not because Arsene Wenger is prudent. That is a whole lot of shit. They can't buy these players because they are still servicing the loan they took up to build their stadium and it would be sometime more before they could make themselves present in the transfer market as buyers.
Talking about stadiums, the roof of the stadium that collapsed in Terengganu also costs millions. The stadium itself costs hundreds of millions of ringgit and would soon be a grazing ground for cows and goats in the area. Wow, goats and cows also got class one. They graze in fields costing hundreds of millions. I think the grass is sweeter there.
If goats and cows could be treated to lunch and dinners in expensive compounds, surely human being too is not to be outdone. Gone are the days of corruptions costing a few thousand or at the most a few million. Where got class? Heck corruption has become a vocation and no longer a crime. Fancy seeing a sign board at an expensive office set in probably the Golden Triangle of Kuala Lumpur that reads "Tumbok Rusuk Sdn Bhd"
If the Aduns and MPs of the 60s and 70s took 50 bucks for a recommendation letter, their present day counterparts do it for free. Why? 50 bucks? You got to be kidding. Their kids spend that much on ciggarettes and condoms a day. Anyway they could easily earn 5 to 25 million by being frogs so why charge 50 ringgit for a signature? Where got class?
I am sure the people behind the Bumiputera Finance Scandal of the late 70s and early 80s are fuming. They got so much flack for that fiasco that warrants a White Paper, but all the same got away with it. All these for what? For a measely 1 billion ringgit plus. Their friends at PKFZ do not even get their names mentioned in something that costs the tax payers 12 billion.
If one doesn't want to work too hard, one need only be a middleman and rake in hundreds of millions, not to mention servicing foreign pussies in the process.
Yes sir, this is indeed the age of the megabucks.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Talents
What has Real Madrid, Chelsea and Manchester City got in common? Yes, tons of money and a bloody expensive squad each. The way they splashed money, you would think that they own the World bank.
I mean where do their money come from man? Are they in anyway from Malaysia where state money is their money to spend any way they chose to?
Anyway, splashing 60 million pound plus for Kaka is a sin. Not that he is not a good player, though he did not show it in the Brazil vs Paraguay game, but he is just not worth that much surely. Wanting to splash an astronomical 80 million plus pound for Ronaldo is simply madness. Surely no player on Earth is worth that much, twinkle toe or no twinkle toe.
The only explanation for this is that these players are fantastic studs who could be let out to Malaysian sex crazed Datins for a million a shot. The players take 75 percent, the club 25. It can't be 50 50 because you wouldn't know the torture they would have to go through servicing those monsters.
Lets look at Real because they seem to be very much in the news nowadays. At the rate Perez is spending and the amount he is willing to further spend, his team would have to make a few daily trips to Malaysia to recover the cost.
Why would Chelsea, Real and City want to buy jewels at Tiffany's, Cartier, Bulgari, Van Cleef & Arpels (wow did I impress you with these names? Shit man I just look them up in the net and pretended as if I I had known about them all the time. Name dropping works don't you think so?) when they could get them from Habib or Poh Kong ( these I don't have to look in the net ) for a fraction of the price and they glimmer even more?
If you are suggesting that I am asking these big clubs to buy football talents in Malaysia then you are very very right. Yes, we have so much talent here.
Shit man, don't they know that we have about the finest football development programme this side of the universe? They boast of their so called youth development programmes but are unaware of our revolutionary process of identifying talents.
Okay, lets take Europe. They have a programme where 4, 5 year olds were put through talent spotting programmes and the good ones are taken. The problem with this is that some of these 4 or 5 year olds do not progress any further after the age of maybe 10. Some others develope too slowly and maybe only about 1 percent actually make it big.
Lets compare to our secret programme. If they pick their talents in the field, we pick ours at clinics. FAM have teams all over the country to screen pregnant women to identify potential footballers, I mean great footballers, and the unborn children are then adopted. On the day they are born, they already have perfectly fitting boots, socks and shin guards. Thats how advance our talent spotting programme is.
I mean just have a look at our stadiums during our football season. The name of our league is enough to make me rest my case. If England have Premier league and Italy the Primera Liga, we have Super league. What is Premier compared to Super?
Our hundreds of 100K capacity stadiums are never empty during games. Even the jaga kereta boys at the stadiums are now millionaires courtesy of their jaga kereta takings during SUPER League matches.
I wanted to laugh when Man Utd proudly proclaimed that their keeper Van Der Sar holds the best cleansheet record of a few thousand minutes when our National Keeper has not let in a single goal since the day he first started playing.
Imagine Anelka given the Golden Boots award for scoring a mere 19 goals when we have a few players who could do it in one game.
If you want talents, come to Malaysia, meet our FAM people and you don't have to service no ugly broads because we are not going to charge you an arm and a leg for our players.
I mean where do their money come from man? Are they in anyway from Malaysia where state money is their money to spend any way they chose to?
Anyway, splashing 60 million pound plus for Kaka is a sin. Not that he is not a good player, though he did not show it in the Brazil vs Paraguay game, but he is just not worth that much surely. Wanting to splash an astronomical 80 million plus pound for Ronaldo is simply madness. Surely no player on Earth is worth that much, twinkle toe or no twinkle toe.
The only explanation for this is that these players are fantastic studs who could be let out to Malaysian sex crazed Datins for a million a shot. The players take 75 percent, the club 25. It can't be 50 50 because you wouldn't know the torture they would have to go through servicing those monsters.
Lets look at Real because they seem to be very much in the news nowadays. At the rate Perez is spending and the amount he is willing to further spend, his team would have to make a few daily trips to Malaysia to recover the cost.
Why would Chelsea, Real and City want to buy jewels at Tiffany's, Cartier, Bulgari, Van Cleef & Arpels (wow did I impress you with these names? Shit man I just look them up in the net and pretended as if I I had known about them all the time. Name dropping works don't you think so?) when they could get them from Habib or Poh Kong ( these I don't have to look in the net ) for a fraction of the price and they glimmer even more?
If you are suggesting that I am asking these big clubs to buy football talents in Malaysia then you are very very right. Yes, we have so much talent here.
Shit man, don't they know that we have about the finest football development programme this side of the universe? They boast of their so called youth development programmes but are unaware of our revolutionary process of identifying talents.
Okay, lets take Europe. They have a programme where 4, 5 year olds were put through talent spotting programmes and the good ones are taken. The problem with this is that some of these 4 or 5 year olds do not progress any further after the age of maybe 10. Some others develope too slowly and maybe only about 1 percent actually make it big.
Lets compare to our secret programme. If they pick their talents in the field, we pick ours at clinics. FAM have teams all over the country to screen pregnant women to identify potential footballers, I mean great footballers, and the unborn children are then adopted. On the day they are born, they already have perfectly fitting boots, socks and shin guards. Thats how advance our talent spotting programme is.
I mean just have a look at our stadiums during our football season. The name of our league is enough to make me rest my case. If England have Premier league and Italy the Primera Liga, we have Super league. What is Premier compared to Super?
Our hundreds of 100K capacity stadiums are never empty during games. Even the jaga kereta boys at the stadiums are now millionaires courtesy of their jaga kereta takings during SUPER League matches.
I wanted to laugh when Man Utd proudly proclaimed that their keeper Van Der Sar holds the best cleansheet record of a few thousand minutes when our National Keeper has not let in a single goal since the day he first started playing.
Imagine Anelka given the Golden Boots award for scoring a mere 19 goals when we have a few players who could do it in one game.
If you want talents, come to Malaysia, meet our FAM people and you don't have to service no ugly broads because we are not going to charge you an arm and a leg for our players.
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Not Fair, those Japs.
Just picture yourself walking along one of their busiest roads and look at the many towering skyscrapers competing for every available space. Walk into any of their stores and you would be greeted by almost everything electronics and it is said that their research in robotics is so advance that one day, if it has not happened already, you would be greeted by robots.
Yes, drool all you want but the fact remains that the Japanese are a wonder people. They are so advanced that they put the western people to shame. Who cares if they are copycats. The fact remains that they are good copycats. They don't just copy, they improve and you can't do that by being the kind of people those Japanese are.
That is what amazed me. For the kind of people they are, the Japanese are so advanced. There must be something wrong in this. Something is just not right. It defies logic.
I am beginning to believe that we were once visited by some aliens a few thousand years ago and that there are aliens living amongst us, especially in Japan. Yeap that's the best answer to this puzzle, it can't be anything else.
The pyramid couldn't have been built by the Egyptians. I believe that Russian or is it German, I can't remember, author who wrote the Chariots of The Gods. Yes, sirree, we were visited by aliens alright and they helped build all those wonders that we now oggle at in amazement.
Shit this is not fair. Plain not fair. They get to be what they are, those Japanese, with the help of Aliens. I am sure those aliens were having a holiday near the end of WW2 and that caused the Japs to lose the war. Otherwise there is simply no way they could lose.
If it were not for alens and their advance technologies, how could the Japs be as good, and some people say better, as the Brits, Americans, Australians, Kiwis, Singaporens, Malaysians, Indians and some Africans?
Who knows it was the Brits and Americans who actually copied the Japs? Hmmm, interesting theory this is.
Okay, okay, before you say that I have lost it, let me explain.Look, talk to almost anyone in Japan and you would be met with a stare. Why? Because they, those Japanese, are simply plain stupid. They don't understand you. Yes, they are stupid people and yet they are advance. they don't speak English. Ask Mahathir.
Uda dan Dara
Ini kisah sebuah cinta,
Cinta Uda dan juga Dara.
Selepas diperkenan si orang tua,
Uda dan Dara duduk bertakhta.
Cinta bermula bila si Uda
Mengetahui dirinya tak punyai kuasa.
Di tackle lah dia Dara yang jelita
Dengan janji-janji yang manis belaka
Uda berjaya mengubati luka
Yang dulu menyebabkan dia tak bermaya
Dengan kekuatan baru yang ada
Dara di terajang jatuh di beranda.
Nyah engkau perempuan tak malu
Kehadiran mu tak lagi ku perlu
Pergi lah engau jangan merayu
Jangan lagi tercegat di situ,
Dara di halau Uda durjana
Hidup merantau dalam merana
Hati pilu dan duka lara
Tapi perjuangan masih membara
Tahun berlalu perjuangan diteruskan
Kala berjaya kala tertekan
Namun perjuangan tetap menjadi impian
Uda yang durjana mesti dijatuhkan
Uda yang kuat dah mula sombong
Ku hulu ke hilir kekayaan diborong
Nafsu syaitan menjadi pendorong
Memburu merompak bersama penyokong
Tak cukup dia sekadar itu
Janda yang lama terus di latu
Dimaki dihamun bertalu-talu
Dara dicerca di tuduh di malu
Uda yang sombong dah mula goyah
Kemana pergi asyik di terjah
Sekejap bangun sekejap terebah
Namun kesombongan makin terserlah
Demam H1N1 melanda Uda
Dia di tolak di mana mana
Kuasa yang dulu dia bangga
Makin lama makin tiada
Maka bermesyuwarah la beberapa dajal
Dalam kumpulan si Uda yang sial
Mereka sedar orang dah mual
Pada mereka yang sentiasa khayal
Dara yang kini sudah perkasa
Hendak Uda semula menggoda
Kuasa yang ada pada Dara
Mahu Uda memperkuda semula
Hah ini tak mungkin berlaku
Takkan Dara lupa kisah dahulu
Dirinya dihina, dimaki dimalu
Tak mungkin Dara buta sebegitu
Jenalu ada dimana mana
Walaupun dalam kelompak si Dara
Tak ada yang lebih bahaya
Jenalu yang bersembunyi disebalik ketayapnya
Seperti orang yang tak tahu malu
Belum apa apa dah senyum tersipu
Bagai anjing betina yang gatal tak tergaru
Belum dipelawa dah bersetuju
Kerabat si Dara mahu di pujuk
Dengan si Dajal semula mahu dirujuk
Dah lupa penghinaan hidup terperuk
Memang lah tak malu ini berok
Sudah terlupa si jenalu durjana
Pengorbanan barisan penyokongnya
Mahu dipujuk pada semua
Berpindah rumah ke Putrajaya
Wahai jenalu dengar di sini
Kepada mu amaran diberi
Kalau mahu terus keluarga harmoni
Jangan engkau terus bermimpi
Kuasa yang kamu ada kini
Adalah kuasa dari kami
kalau kepercayaan kami dikhianati
kami tak akan berdiam diri
Dari bersekongkol dengan babi
kami rela menjauhkan diri
kalau perjuangan sudah dikompromi
Samada engkau atau kami yang pergi.
Cinta Uda dan juga Dara.
Selepas diperkenan si orang tua,
Uda dan Dara duduk bertakhta.
Cinta bermula bila si Uda
Mengetahui dirinya tak punyai kuasa.
Di tackle lah dia Dara yang jelita
Dengan janji-janji yang manis belaka
Uda berjaya mengubati luka
Yang dulu menyebabkan dia tak bermaya
Dengan kekuatan baru yang ada
Dara di terajang jatuh di beranda.
Nyah engkau perempuan tak malu
Kehadiran mu tak lagi ku perlu
Pergi lah engau jangan merayu
Jangan lagi tercegat di situ,
Dara di halau Uda durjana
Hidup merantau dalam merana
Hati pilu dan duka lara
Tapi perjuangan masih membara
Tahun berlalu perjuangan diteruskan
Kala berjaya kala tertekan
Namun perjuangan tetap menjadi impian
Uda yang durjana mesti dijatuhkan
Uda yang kuat dah mula sombong
Ku hulu ke hilir kekayaan diborong
Nafsu syaitan menjadi pendorong
Memburu merompak bersama penyokong
Tak cukup dia sekadar itu
Janda yang lama terus di latu
Dimaki dihamun bertalu-talu
Dara dicerca di tuduh di malu
Uda yang sombong dah mula goyah
Kemana pergi asyik di terjah
Sekejap bangun sekejap terebah
Namun kesombongan makin terserlah
Demam H1N1 melanda Uda
Dia di tolak di mana mana
Kuasa yang dulu dia bangga
Makin lama makin tiada
Maka bermesyuwarah la beberapa dajal
Dalam kumpulan si Uda yang sial
Mereka sedar orang dah mual
Pada mereka yang sentiasa khayal
Dara yang kini sudah perkasa
Hendak Uda semula menggoda
Kuasa yang ada pada Dara
Mahu Uda memperkuda semula
Hah ini tak mungkin berlaku
Takkan Dara lupa kisah dahulu
Dirinya dihina, dimaki dimalu
Tak mungkin Dara buta sebegitu
Jenalu ada dimana mana
Walaupun dalam kelompak si Dara
Tak ada yang lebih bahaya
Jenalu yang bersembunyi disebalik ketayapnya
Seperti orang yang tak tahu malu
Belum apa apa dah senyum tersipu
Bagai anjing betina yang gatal tak tergaru
Belum dipelawa dah bersetuju
Kerabat si Dara mahu di pujuk
Dengan si Dajal semula mahu dirujuk
Dah lupa penghinaan hidup terperuk
Memang lah tak malu ini berok
Sudah terlupa si jenalu durjana
Pengorbanan barisan penyokongnya
Mahu dipujuk pada semua
Berpindah rumah ke Putrajaya
Wahai jenalu dengar di sini
Kepada mu amaran diberi
Kalau mahu terus keluarga harmoni
Jangan engkau terus bermimpi
Kuasa yang kamu ada kini
Adalah kuasa dari kami
kalau kepercayaan kami dikhianati
kami tak akan berdiam diri
Dari bersekongkol dengan babi
kami rela menjauhkan diri
kalau perjuangan sudah dikompromi
Samada engkau atau kami yang pergi.
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
English, a must pass?
When I read yesterday about the DPM's desire to make English a must pass subject at the SPM level, I thought, I should not comment yet. Lets listen to what others have to say. Then I thought, "Oh, what the heck".
I have been a teacher of English language since 1977. I have taught in various non-elite schools for the pass 32 years. When I first taught English we used the structural syllabus then we used the communicative syllabus.
I have seen the standard of English deteriorate from year to year. I had all the time wondered, with this deterioration, where would we be able to find competent teachers of the English language to teach the subject? As it is right now, we still have teachers from the old school teaching English but, we, meaning yours sincerely included, are now in our mid-fifties.
Let me relate one experience. A few years back, I was in the canteen and in came a trainee. I struck up a conversation with him and found that his English was passable for conversation sake. So what's the big deal? Don't all young ones, or most of them, speak less than perfect English?
The answer is yes. So no big deal here but it became a big deal to me on that day when the teacher told me that his option was English. Now here you have someone who spoke foul English, a mere 8 weeks short of his posting as an English teacher.
Let me relate another story. I could have told it already but it is still relevant here. A science teacher who was transferred to Terengganu met me on his visit to Penang. He was one of the many, Maths and Science teachers in my school, who taught the subjects in Malay because he could not string a single sentence without making a mistake. He told me how some Maths and Science teachers in his new school in Terengganu were forced by the school to also teach English.
The rational? If they could teach Maths and Science in English, they could surely teach English. He admitted to me that those teachers were as good, or as bad as him, which ever way you would like to look at it, in English.
I discussed about this matter with many other friends who told me of their own horror stories. The problem is that when in urban areas this problem may not be that serious, but if you asked me, I could swear that they are serious. The problem gets utterly gut wrenching as we head further interior.
Now we have a DPM who is flirting with the idea of making English a must pass subject in schools, (I could have sworn I saw an evil shadow behind him) without thinking of the consequences. I wonder if that evil shadow suggested this to him as a lifeline to justify the continuity of PPSMI?
Look, this could be a bargaining point to persist with PPSMI. They could say, "Okay, we have decided not to go ahead with this idea of making English a must pass, but considering that English is so important, we will continue with PPSMI", or, they could say that they are going ahead with this idea and therefore PPSMI is all the more relevant.
Look, I am not against making English an important subject. I am all for it. As it is right now, the malays only speak one language and that is BM while the Indians and Chinese have two if not three.
As it is right now, the passing mark for English is so low that a student whose English you would laugh at would most likely pass the subject at SPM level. What happens when a pass in English is made compulsory?
With the present shit syllabus of ours and the present competence of many of the English teachers we have, it would be magical if a school could touch 60 percent passes in English and I am talking about the present low passing mark.
What would happen is that upon completion of the first SPM exam with English made a must pass, the people in the ministry would panic because the number of students passing English is so low, with a majority of rural Malay students failing SPM because they failed English. The immediate remedy? The passing mark would be brought down even lower.
Some may ask why would they want to lower it down? Presently only a pass in BM is required for one to pass the SPM and most schools with Malay majority students would score about 80 percent passes just because about 80 percent of their students pass BM. If you make English compulsory then the percentage of passes would go down to 50 percent or even 30 or even 15 percent in some schools? Now have you heard the natinal average ever going down for the pass 10 to 15 years? To at least maintain the present pass rate, they would definitely have to bring down the passing mark to a ridiculous low level, as if the present low level is not ridiculous enough.
If they do not want to bring it down so drastically where 5 marks constitute a pass, they would water down the questions. Yes, standard 5 or 6 questions being set for SPM just to make more people pass. Doesn't it defeat the whole purpose then?
What kind of high school graduates would we have then? They would have a pass or even credit in English but not able to construct a decent sentence in English. By this time, we would be producing teachers with even poorer command of the language and they are the ones who would be teachers of the English language. Imagine the kind of English that they would impart on their students then.
Let's not make the same BIG MISTAKE we made with PPSMI when it was simply pushed down the throats of the rakyat. I am a teacher, I know what the standard is in school and I am teaching in an urban school. I wonder how it is in the Terengganu school my friend is teaching in.
Yes, we can make English a compulsory subject to pass but if the Minister would like to see it done in his lifetime, then don't do it. It would be a disservice to the people. For once get out of that evil shadow behind you.
Re-examine the syllabus. Get new, better text books with plenty of exercises. These exercises could even help the English language teachers improve their own command of the language. The present text books stink.
When I say plenty of exercises, I mean plenty of exercises. That is how Chinese schools make their students excel in maths.
Please don't say that you would send English teachers for some stupid courses. These stupid courses just don't work. Many of them were sent for PPSMI courses and came back teaching the subjects in Malay. Why? They are simply overworked to find the time to improve on their skills. All the time they have to spend polishing up on the language is spent on clerical work and the many unnecessary Saturdays they were forced to come back to school.
I hate to use this cliche but I have to. Please remember, failure to plan is planning to fail.
I have been a teacher of English language since 1977. I have taught in various non-elite schools for the pass 32 years. When I first taught English we used the structural syllabus then we used the communicative syllabus.
I have seen the standard of English deteriorate from year to year. I had all the time wondered, with this deterioration, where would we be able to find competent teachers of the English language to teach the subject? As it is right now, we still have teachers from the old school teaching English but, we, meaning yours sincerely included, are now in our mid-fifties.
Let me relate one experience. A few years back, I was in the canteen and in came a trainee. I struck up a conversation with him and found that his English was passable for conversation sake. So what's the big deal? Don't all young ones, or most of them, speak less than perfect English?
The answer is yes. So no big deal here but it became a big deal to me on that day when the teacher told me that his option was English. Now here you have someone who spoke foul English, a mere 8 weeks short of his posting as an English teacher.
Let me relate another story. I could have told it already but it is still relevant here. A science teacher who was transferred to Terengganu met me on his visit to Penang. He was one of the many, Maths and Science teachers in my school, who taught the subjects in Malay because he could not string a single sentence without making a mistake. He told me how some Maths and Science teachers in his new school in Terengganu were forced by the school to also teach English.
The rational? If they could teach Maths and Science in English, they could surely teach English. He admitted to me that those teachers were as good, or as bad as him, which ever way you would like to look at it, in English.
I discussed about this matter with many other friends who told me of their own horror stories. The problem is that when in urban areas this problem may not be that serious, but if you asked me, I could swear that they are serious. The problem gets utterly gut wrenching as we head further interior.
Now we have a DPM who is flirting with the idea of making English a must pass subject in schools, (I could have sworn I saw an evil shadow behind him) without thinking of the consequences. I wonder if that evil shadow suggested this to him as a lifeline to justify the continuity of PPSMI?
Look, this could be a bargaining point to persist with PPSMI. They could say, "Okay, we have decided not to go ahead with this idea of making English a must pass, but considering that English is so important, we will continue with PPSMI", or, they could say that they are going ahead with this idea and therefore PPSMI is all the more relevant.
Look, I am not against making English an important subject. I am all for it. As it is right now, the malays only speak one language and that is BM while the Indians and Chinese have two if not three.
As it is right now, the passing mark for English is so low that a student whose English you would laugh at would most likely pass the subject at SPM level. What happens when a pass in English is made compulsory?
With the present shit syllabus of ours and the present competence of many of the English teachers we have, it would be magical if a school could touch 60 percent passes in English and I am talking about the present low passing mark.
What would happen is that upon completion of the first SPM exam with English made a must pass, the people in the ministry would panic because the number of students passing English is so low, with a majority of rural Malay students failing SPM because they failed English. The immediate remedy? The passing mark would be brought down even lower.
Some may ask why would they want to lower it down? Presently only a pass in BM is required for one to pass the SPM and most schools with Malay majority students would score about 80 percent passes just because about 80 percent of their students pass BM. If you make English compulsory then the percentage of passes would go down to 50 percent or even 30 or even 15 percent in some schools? Now have you heard the natinal average ever going down for the pass 10 to 15 years? To at least maintain the present pass rate, they would definitely have to bring down the passing mark to a ridiculous low level, as if the present low level is not ridiculous enough.
If they do not want to bring it down so drastically where 5 marks constitute a pass, they would water down the questions. Yes, standard 5 or 6 questions being set for SPM just to make more people pass. Doesn't it defeat the whole purpose then?
What kind of high school graduates would we have then? They would have a pass or even credit in English but not able to construct a decent sentence in English. By this time, we would be producing teachers with even poorer command of the language and they are the ones who would be teachers of the English language. Imagine the kind of English that they would impart on their students then.
Let's not make the same BIG MISTAKE we made with PPSMI when it was simply pushed down the throats of the rakyat. I am a teacher, I know what the standard is in school and I am teaching in an urban school. I wonder how it is in the Terengganu school my friend is teaching in.
Yes, we can make English a compulsory subject to pass but if the Minister would like to see it done in his lifetime, then don't do it. It would be a disservice to the people. For once get out of that evil shadow behind you.
Re-examine the syllabus. Get new, better text books with plenty of exercises. These exercises could even help the English language teachers improve their own command of the language. The present text books stink.
When I say plenty of exercises, I mean plenty of exercises. That is how Chinese schools make their students excel in maths.
Please don't say that you would send English teachers for some stupid courses. These stupid courses just don't work. Many of them were sent for PPSMI courses and came back teaching the subjects in Malay. Why? They are simply overworked to find the time to improve on their skills. All the time they have to spend polishing up on the language is spent on clerical work and the many unnecessary Saturdays they were forced to come back to school.
I hate to use this cliche but I have to. Please remember, failure to plan is planning to fail.
Monday, 8 June 2009
So gatai one.
ExBeau: Hai sayang, do you still remember me?
Bitch: Of course la I still remember you, why you leave me last time just like that? Why I not beautiful anymore ka?
ExBeau: Who said I left you? Your mother asked me to leave you. I still love you so much you know. I keep thinking of you day after day. I can't sleep well these past years.
Bitch: Ya ka sayang, I didn't know that you still love me. I thought, you have left me because you don't need me anymore.
ExBeau: How could you say that darling. If you were the ring, I am the finger.
Bitch: Ya ka? Waa, you so romantic la darling. Let me try, if you were the Oxygen, I am the Carbon Dioxide. Romantic or not darling?
ExBeau: Waaa, you now so romantic la. Let me try another one. If you were the song, I am the melody.
Bitch: Ooooo, so syiok one, I steam already la darling. Let me try, If you were the dick, I am the condom.
ExBeau: So, you have been thinking of that all the time huh?
Bitch: Yes, la. Darling why don't you come back to me?
ExBeau: That is what I want to do but your family would not accept me I think.
Bitch: Never mind, I will try my best to persuade them to accept you. In the mean time ask your friends to talk good about me to the other members of the family and how our family are so suited to each other. Maybe this could persuade enough of my family members to accept you.
ExBeau: Okay, Okay, I will ask cik Uu, Cik Tu and Pn, San to lobby for us. Oh darling, how I wish I could hold you my my arms. Okay before I hang up, one more. If you were the sea, I am the shore.
Bitch: Mmmmm, so sexy one. Okay let me try, If you were the road, I am the tar. Nice or not darling.
ExBeau: Sooooo nice, I can't wait till we are together again. Good night darling, sweet dreams, bye bye ta ta ti ti tu tu.
Bitch: Muuuuaaah!
ExBeau: Aiye, so geli one this bitch. So gatai. Want to vomit la I.
Bitch: Abah, abah, lets go back to abang Am.
Father:Nasha, why you want to mengarut?
Sunday, 7 June 2009
1Malaysia (2)
Rakyat: Ayo, Datuk Siri, Datuk Siri, bole kasi tolong sama saya ka? Saya banyak susah punya orang.
DS: Ya, boleh. Apa yang saya boleh bantu aya?
Rakyat: Saya punya rumah, itu ribut sudah mari, sumua sudah kasi picah Datuk Siri. Sudah banyak rosak la Datuk Siri. Bole sikit tulong kasi repair ka?
DS: Boleh, 1Malaysia punya rumah kita akan repair. Lagi ada apa-apa masalah?
Rakyat: Errr, saya punya anak isekolah pigi, mau makan punya duit pun tadak la. Bole kasi tolong ka Datuk Siri?
DS: Bole, 1Malaysia punya budak sekolah kita akan tolong. Lagi ada?
Rakyat: Lagi satu la Datuk Siri, saya punya ruma punya dekat ada banyak itu orang jahat la Datuk Siri. Bole kasi tangkap ka Datuk Siri?
DS: Boleh, 1Malaysia kita akan tangkap. Lagi aya?
Rakyat: Sudah habih, sumua saya sudah cakap.
Pemberita: Aya, apa yang aya cakap sama itu Datuk Seri? Apa dia cakap sama aya?
Rakyat: Saya sudah sumua saya punya problem cakap sama dia, dia sudah 1Malaysia kasi bohong.
DS: Ya, boleh. Apa yang saya boleh bantu aya?
Rakyat: Saya punya rumah, itu ribut sudah mari, sumua sudah kasi picah Datuk Siri. Sudah banyak rosak la Datuk Siri. Bole sikit tulong kasi repair ka?
DS: Boleh, 1Malaysia punya rumah kita akan repair. Lagi ada apa-apa masalah?
Rakyat: Errr, saya punya anak isekolah pigi, mau makan punya duit pun tadak la. Bole kasi tolong ka Datuk Siri?
DS: Bole, 1Malaysia punya budak sekolah kita akan tolong. Lagi ada?
Rakyat: Lagi satu la Datuk Siri, saya punya ruma punya dekat ada banyak itu orang jahat la Datuk Siri. Bole kasi tangkap ka Datuk Siri?
DS: Boleh, 1Malaysia kita akan tangkap. Lagi aya?
Rakyat: Sudah habih, sumua saya sudah cakap.
Pemberita: Aya, apa yang aya cakap sama itu Datuk Seri? Apa dia cakap sama aya?
Rakyat: Saya sudah sumua saya punya problem cakap sama dia, dia sudah 1Malaysia kasi bohong.
Saturday, 6 June 2009
1Malaysia
Reporter: Excuse me sir, could you spare me a few minutes. What do you understand by 1Malaysia?
Man: What? 1Malaysia? What is that?
Reporter: A new slogan by the new PM, his vision for the country, just like, Bersih Cekap Amanah and Cemerlang Gemilang and Terbilang?
Man: Oh, well, we are never Bersih, far from Cekap and Amanah is the biggest joke ever. What Cemerlang? Never Gemilang and certainly Terbilang for all the wrong reasons. Why all these? Because they are mere slogans thats all. For something to work, it must come from a sincere heart otherwise...., look, let me say it this way, if the PM believed that the government has all the time been doing a great job, why then this contradictory slogan? I mean by adopting 1Malaysia, he is saying that there is no 1Malaysia right now. What have they been doing for the past 50 years? Tell them to, first, be truly Bersih. Work hard to be really Cekap and treat Amanah as a religious duty, then we could be Cemerlang and shines truly as a Gemilang nation so that in the eyes of the world we could be Terbilang. Then they don't have to shout about 1Malaysia because by then we would truly be 1Malaysia.
Man: What? 1Malaysia? What is that?
Reporter: A new slogan by the new PM, his vision for the country, just like, Bersih Cekap Amanah and Cemerlang Gemilang and Terbilang?
Man: Oh, well, we are never Bersih, far from Cekap and Amanah is the biggest joke ever. What Cemerlang? Never Gemilang and certainly Terbilang for all the wrong reasons. Why all these? Because they are mere slogans thats all. For something to work, it must come from a sincere heart otherwise...., look, let me say it this way, if the PM believed that the government has all the time been doing a great job, why then this contradictory slogan? I mean by adopting 1Malaysia, he is saying that there is no 1Malaysia right now. What have they been doing for the past 50 years? Tell them to, first, be truly Bersih. Work hard to be really Cekap and treat Amanah as a religious duty, then we could be Cemerlang and shines truly as a Gemilang nation so that in the eyes of the world we could be Terbilang. Then they don't have to shout about 1Malaysia because by then we would truly be 1Malaysia.
Thursday, 4 June 2009
Right or wrong this is how I feel.
I have not said anything about PAS and their general assembly and about the Ulamaks and the Erdogans and about the conservatives and the progressives because I had always thought that that is their business so why meddle.
I don't think I could keep quite any longer. I have my reasons. I have been banking on PR to someday wrest control from BN. Since PAS is an important component of PR, whatever that befalls PAS would have a bearing on PR.
My stand is simple. PAS is an Islamic party, not a Malay party. The end, end of story. PAS has no business trying to identify itself as a Malay party. The religion is above race. Heck there are more Muslims in China, therefore Chinese, than there are Muslims in this country so Islam is not the sole property of the Malays.
Any attempts to try to court or be courted by UMNO is a betrayal to PAS's constitution. Has PAS not learnt their lessons from UMNO's betrayal? Do some personalities in PAS sincerely believe that UMNO has changed since that day?
Yes, UMNO has changed but not for the better so what do these people in PAS expect from UMNO then? I tend to agree with Husam in his fight for PAS to be an alternative to UMNO and nothing else. I do not subscribe to this Malay solidarity bullshit because it is the people who talks about Malay Solidarity who are splitting the Malays for their own personal gains.
All UMNO want is to weaken the PR and through PAS and some of their leaders, who are more Malay than Muslim, they have an avenue. All these talk about Malay solidarity sickens me, a Malay. Look the Malays are united as a race but differ politically. That is a good sign, not a bad one. That is maturity.
I have read about how some Ulamaks say that their attempts to bridge the distance is because of the religion. They argue that UMNO is made up of mainly Malays who are Muslims. Fine but have they forgotten who helped them to be as strong as they are now that got the people in UMNO come abegging? Would they have been there without the support of the non-Muslims in the last general election and also at Bt. Gantang.
Don't they know, that UMNO's intention is for them to ditch these very people who had put PAS where they are now? I want to ask them one question. Do you think it is fair for you to do that all in the name of your race? Where is your religion now? Do you think that the religion condones this?
Islam is universal and not the domain of the Malays and PAS must realise that. Malay unity, if it leads to oppression of others is not Islam. Malay is not important in Islam. Malay is nothing in Islam. In Islam, the teachings of the religion is important. In Islam, equality is important. In Islam fairness is important. In Islam valueing one's partners who seek justice is more important than sleeping with one's foe who happens to be a fellow Malay and Muslim but do not know the meaning of honesty and humanity.
I don't think I could keep quite any longer. I have my reasons. I have been banking on PR to someday wrest control from BN. Since PAS is an important component of PR, whatever that befalls PAS would have a bearing on PR.
My stand is simple. PAS is an Islamic party, not a Malay party. The end, end of story. PAS has no business trying to identify itself as a Malay party. The religion is above race. Heck there are more Muslims in China, therefore Chinese, than there are Muslims in this country so Islam is not the sole property of the Malays.
Any attempts to try to court or be courted by UMNO is a betrayal to PAS's constitution. Has PAS not learnt their lessons from UMNO's betrayal? Do some personalities in PAS sincerely believe that UMNO has changed since that day?
Yes, UMNO has changed but not for the better so what do these people in PAS expect from UMNO then? I tend to agree with Husam in his fight for PAS to be an alternative to UMNO and nothing else. I do not subscribe to this Malay solidarity bullshit because it is the people who talks about Malay Solidarity who are splitting the Malays for their own personal gains.
All UMNO want is to weaken the PR and through PAS and some of their leaders, who are more Malay than Muslim, they have an avenue. All these talk about Malay solidarity sickens me, a Malay. Look the Malays are united as a race but differ politically. That is a good sign, not a bad one. That is maturity.
I have read about how some Ulamaks say that their attempts to bridge the distance is because of the religion. They argue that UMNO is made up of mainly Malays who are Muslims. Fine but have they forgotten who helped them to be as strong as they are now that got the people in UMNO come abegging? Would they have been there without the support of the non-Muslims in the last general election and also at Bt. Gantang.
Don't they know, that UMNO's intention is for them to ditch these very people who had put PAS where they are now? I want to ask them one question. Do you think it is fair for you to do that all in the name of your race? Where is your religion now? Do you think that the religion condones this?
Islam is universal and not the domain of the Malays and PAS must realise that. Malay unity, if it leads to oppression of others is not Islam. Malay is not important in Islam. Malay is nothing in Islam. In Islam, the teachings of the religion is important. In Islam, equality is important. In Islam fairness is important. In Islam valueing one's partners who seek justice is more important than sleeping with one's foe who happens to be a fellow Malay and Muslim but do not know the meaning of honesty and humanity.
Namo namo chi chi tiam
Machai: Okay Datuk we sudah sampai already.
Datuk1: Are you sure this bomoh power punya? I had to travel here at 3 in the morning and walk 2km from the main road in the darkso he better be good.
Machai: Guarantee good one la Datuk, sure jadi one. Those other bomoh you all have been using all tipu one, especially the one Pungkoq Pele use one.
Datuk1: Hey wait a minute, isn't that Dris coming out? Wait, wait lets hide.
Machai: Yes la, Dris la. The Terengganu PWD Director is also with him la. Why ah datuk?
Datuk1: What do you mean why? The stadium roof la. I don't know how any bomoh is going to help him with this. Shhh, isn't that Ah Ong ka?
Machai: Yes la Datuk, he also got to do with the stadium ka?
Datuk1: No la, this one surely because of the PKFZ la. Why we all want to hide, let us confront them.
Machai: Yes la Datuk, lets see how they react.
Datuk1: Aah Dris, what are you doing here in the middle of the night? Aah Ah Ong ah, don't turn back la, I know its you.
Idris: No la Datuk, nothing, I am just here to accompany Ah Ong here. He wants t......
Datuk1: Don't bullshit me la Dris, I know why you are here, because of the stadium right?
Idris: Err, yes la Datuk. I don't know how that thing can happen la. I think got sabotage la. Maybe Ahmad did it, who knows?
Datuk1: What did the bomoh say?
Idris: I also don't know la, he spoke in riddles. He said an elephant cannot ride a lalang. What is that ah?
Machai: Yes, la Dris. If the elephant ride a lalang, the elephant will gatai la.
Datuk1: Shut up la you fool, it means, shoddy workmanship la. You Ah Ong, you are here about the PKFZ ka?
Ong: Ah, ah, er, yes la Datuk. You see, other people do, I kena, where got fair one? Er Datuk why are you here?
Datuk1: None of your business, go home and don't say a word about this or you will be out of a job.
Machai: Come la Datuk, got so many mosquitoes here. Ooops, hide, hide, Opah Min is on her way out.
Datuk1: What! Opah Min also here ka? What she want some more?
Machai: I say Datuk, Manek Urai coming what. Okay, clear, lets go in.
Bomoh: Aaaaa! Datuk, Datuk, come in, come in. Please sit down, I am honoured to have you here Datuk. How can I be of service Datuk?
Datuk: bzzzz, bzzz, Anwar, bzzz, bzzzz, bzzzz Mahathir, bzzzz, bzzzz kepow booom Altan, bzzzz, bzzzz, bzzzz, Ros bzzz, bzzzz.
Bomoh: Wait let me see, namo namo chi chi tiaaaammmm. Ah, can, can, no problem, no problem. Consider it done but the pengkeras is a bit high la Datuk.
Datuk1: No problem, no problem. If this one jadi, you name your price la.
Machai: Datuk, Datuk, see that picture there. I am sure you know whose picture that is.
Datuk1: Yes, la, why that picture here? You ask the tokmoh la, if I ask he thinks I am a busy body pulak.
Machai: Err, Tok Moh, please don't think I am a busy body but why is that picture here?
Bomoh: Oh, you mean this picture. Just now got another Datuk here. He didn't give me his full name but only called himself JJ. He asked me to charm the person in the picture. He said he see also he gian already, sudah lama he gian.
Datuk1: You mean the specky fellow with beard ....
Bomoh: Yes, yes, that fellow. He wants to makan this one betoi-betoi he said.
Datuk1: Okay la Tok Moh. We are going to leave now. Hope you can kowtim the things I told you.
Bomoh: Sure, sure no problem.
Machai: You saw the picture clearly or not Datuk?
Datuk1: Yes, la. I really terkejut la with JJ. Saiful also he wants to makan ka?
Datuk1: Are you sure this bomoh power punya? I had to travel here at 3 in the morning and walk 2km from the main road in the darkso he better be good.
Machai: Guarantee good one la Datuk, sure jadi one. Those other bomoh you all have been using all tipu one, especially the one Pungkoq Pele use one.
Datuk1: Hey wait a minute, isn't that Dris coming out? Wait, wait lets hide.
Machai: Yes la, Dris la. The Terengganu PWD Director is also with him la. Why ah datuk?
Datuk1: What do you mean why? The stadium roof la. I don't know how any bomoh is going to help him with this. Shhh, isn't that Ah Ong ka?
Machai: Yes la Datuk, he also got to do with the stadium ka?
Datuk1: No la, this one surely because of the PKFZ la. Why we all want to hide, let us confront them.
Machai: Yes la Datuk, lets see how they react.
Datuk1: Aah Dris, what are you doing here in the middle of the night? Aah Ah Ong ah, don't turn back la, I know its you.
Idris: No la Datuk, nothing, I am just here to accompany Ah Ong here. He wants t......
Datuk1: Don't bullshit me la Dris, I know why you are here, because of the stadium right?
Idris: Err, yes la Datuk. I don't know how that thing can happen la. I think got sabotage la. Maybe Ahmad did it, who knows?
Datuk1: What did the bomoh say?
Idris: I also don't know la, he spoke in riddles. He said an elephant cannot ride a lalang. What is that ah?
Machai: Yes, la Dris. If the elephant ride a lalang, the elephant will gatai la.
Datuk1: Shut up la you fool, it means, shoddy workmanship la. You Ah Ong, you are here about the PKFZ ka?
Ong: Ah, ah, er, yes la Datuk. You see, other people do, I kena, where got fair one? Er Datuk why are you here?
Datuk1: None of your business, go home and don't say a word about this or you will be out of a job.
Machai: Come la Datuk, got so many mosquitoes here. Ooops, hide, hide, Opah Min is on her way out.
Datuk1: What! Opah Min also here ka? What she want some more?
Machai: I say Datuk, Manek Urai coming what. Okay, clear, lets go in.
Bomoh: Aaaaa! Datuk, Datuk, come in, come in. Please sit down, I am honoured to have you here Datuk. How can I be of service Datuk?
Datuk: bzzzz, bzzz, Anwar, bzzz, bzzzz, bzzzz Mahathir, bzzzz, bzzzz kepow booom Altan, bzzzz, bzzzz, bzzzz, Ros bzzz, bzzzz.
Bomoh: Wait let me see, namo namo chi chi tiaaaammmm. Ah, can, can, no problem, no problem. Consider it done but the pengkeras is a bit high la Datuk.
Datuk1: No problem, no problem. If this one jadi, you name your price la.
Machai: Datuk, Datuk, see that picture there. I am sure you know whose picture that is.
Datuk1: Yes, la, why that picture here? You ask the tokmoh la, if I ask he thinks I am a busy body pulak.
Machai: Err, Tok Moh, please don't think I am a busy body but why is that picture here?
Bomoh: Oh, you mean this picture. Just now got another Datuk here. He didn't give me his full name but only called himself JJ. He asked me to charm the person in the picture. He said he see also he gian already, sudah lama he gian.
Datuk1: You mean the specky fellow with beard ....
Bomoh: Yes, yes, that fellow. He wants to makan this one betoi-betoi he said.
Datuk1: Okay la Tok Moh. We are going to leave now. Hope you can kowtim the things I told you.
Bomoh: Sure, sure no problem.
Machai: You saw the picture clearly or not Datuk?
Datuk1: Yes, la. I really terkejut la with JJ. Saiful also he wants to makan ka?
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
The Ambush 2
Chief: This is the police. We have you surrounded. You can't escape. Come out with your hands up and throw your weapons away.
Sarg: Chief, what do you think? I don't think he is going to give up that easily, not with his record.
Chief: Yeah, he knows that if he surrenders, its the gallows so ask the men to brace themselves for a fight. No shooting until I give the orders.
Sarg: Okay tuan.
Chief: This is the police. you have one last chance, come out with your hands up. It is futile to fight, you are outnumbered, you are completely surrounded.
Suspect: How can I be sure to you won't shoot me the moment I walk out the door?
Chief: You have my word. We won't harm you.
Suspect: So did many others, but they got fried the moment they gave up.
Chief: You have just got to trust me. I promise you, we will not harm you.
Suspect: It is not my fault, I did not do anything, why do you want to apprehend me.
Chief: Then you should have nothing to be afraid off. Give up and you could prove your innocence in court.
Suspect: Can I trust you?
Chief: You must trust me. My men have instructions not to fire. I promise you, no harm will befall you, just give up.
Suspect: Okay, I give up. I am coming out. I am not armed. I am coming out now, please don't shoot.
Sarg: Alamak! Tuan, that is not him. What is this guy doing here. Do you think this is a trick. Could this man be a hostage?
Chief: Where are you? Why aren't you coming out? How many more hostages do you have inside.
Suspect: What are you talking about? I am alone, I am out now.
Chief: Ayo, sure koyak one la. I say Datuk, what are you doing hiding in this hut?
Suspect: I thought you are coming for me because of the collapse stadium, I swear I tell you, it is not my fault. I don't even know the contractor la. I swear la.
Chief: Sorry la Datuk, I thought you were the armed robber we are after. Someone gave us a tip off that there is a suspicious character hiding in this hut. Sorry Datuk. Constable, get the Datuk another trousers, his is wet in the crotch.
Sarg: Chief, what do you think? I don't think he is going to give up that easily, not with his record.
Chief: Yeah, he knows that if he surrenders, its the gallows so ask the men to brace themselves for a fight. No shooting until I give the orders.
Sarg: Okay tuan.
Chief: This is the police. you have one last chance, come out with your hands up. It is futile to fight, you are outnumbered, you are completely surrounded.
Suspect: How can I be sure to you won't shoot me the moment I walk out the door?
Chief: You have my word. We won't harm you.
Suspect: So did many others, but they got fried the moment they gave up.
Chief: You have just got to trust me. I promise you, we will not harm you.
Suspect: It is not my fault, I did not do anything, why do you want to apprehend me.
Chief: Then you should have nothing to be afraid off. Give up and you could prove your innocence in court.
Suspect: Can I trust you?
Chief: You must trust me. My men have instructions not to fire. I promise you, no harm will befall you, just give up.
Suspect: Okay, I give up. I am coming out. I am not armed. I am coming out now, please don't shoot.
Sarg: Alamak! Tuan, that is not him. What is this guy doing here. Do you think this is a trick. Could this man be a hostage?
Chief: Where are you? Why aren't you coming out? How many more hostages do you have inside.
Suspect: What are you talking about? I am alone, I am out now.
Chief: Ayo, sure koyak one la. I say Datuk, what are you doing hiding in this hut?
Suspect: I thought you are coming for me because of the collapse stadium, I swear I tell you, it is not my fault. I don't even know the contractor la. I swear la.
Chief: Sorry la Datuk, I thought you were the armed robber we are after. Someone gave us a tip off that there is a suspicious character hiding in this hut. Sorry Datuk. Constable, get the Datuk another trousers, his is wet in the crotch.
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
And the roof came crumbling down.
Reporter: Mr. MB sir, the people are shocked about this incident. How come a Stadium like this could just come crumbling like that? Luckily no one was injured.
MB: Why you all want to ask me? I didn't even know that there is a stadium here. You want to know, you ask this fellow here, this fellow beside me. He was the MB when this was built and completed. Ha, you answer them la. Answer la.
ExMB: Hey, hey, hey why ask me? I am not the MB of this state. You are the MB. you answer la. You are responsible, you are the MB.
MB: Why should I be answerable? You and your gang built it. I don't know how much you all whack for this stadium. Everybody know you like to whack money one but at least build it properly la. What if your father or mother inside there and then the roof collapse?
ExMB: Woi, woi, father mother all don't talk ah. I don't know about this all, you are the MB, you answer.
MB: Okay, okay we ask the reporter here who he thinks is responsible to answer about this. Hey reporter, who do you think should answer to this?
Reporter: I think the both of you should answer. You as the MB must answer in your capacity as the CEO of the state and you the exMB must answer as the man responsible for the whole project.
MB: Where can, where can. Why he pay you money ka? Where can. When they built this, I did know anything about this. Who knows maybe they used clay instead of cement; maybe they used bamboo instead of steel?
ExMB: Hey idiot, where can use clay and bamboo? You think this is your father's house ka? Your father's house means I believe la. I heard people say your father's house is made of cowdung and bamboo only.
MB: You see, you see, this kind of people will blame everybody else except themselves. Now he wants to talk about my father. Wait, wait we ask the State Engineer.
SE: Preliminary checks show that there is nothing wrong with the design and materials used. In fact we found that the Stadium was made with better materials than reccomended. I just received an fax from Siera Leone stating that their geol0gical station recorded a massive underground landslide exactly under this stadium. That is the reason for the collapse. No one is to blame for this. Just nature.
Reporter: Is there anyway to verify what you have just said? How come this was picked up in Siera Leone but not in Europe, Japan and the US where they are more advance?
SE: I think the Japanese, European and Americans are hiding this valuable information because they are jealous of our development. They want to blame the government as corrupt. Luckily we have friends in Siera Leone. Hold on, hold on. I just got message from Zimbabwe, they reported the same thing.
MB: Ha, settle, nobody's fault. Ah, Mr. State Engineer, how much do you think it will cost if we want to build a new one? I want a bigger one la, 100K or 150K capacity.
ExMB: Er, MB, MB, I got a large piece of land in Ulu Terengganu. You want ka, I sell you cheap cheap only. RM392 per square foot.
MB: Wah exactly the number of votes Opah Min got ah. No I don't want, very expensive. We'll build in Kalimantan, land is cheaper there.
MB: Why you all want to ask me? I didn't even know that there is a stadium here. You want to know, you ask this fellow here, this fellow beside me. He was the MB when this was built and completed. Ha, you answer them la. Answer la.
ExMB: Hey, hey, hey why ask me? I am not the MB of this state. You are the MB. you answer la. You are responsible, you are the MB.
MB: Why should I be answerable? You and your gang built it. I don't know how much you all whack for this stadium. Everybody know you like to whack money one but at least build it properly la. What if your father or mother inside there and then the roof collapse?
ExMB: Woi, woi, father mother all don't talk ah. I don't know about this all, you are the MB, you answer.
MB: Okay, okay we ask the reporter here who he thinks is responsible to answer about this. Hey reporter, who do you think should answer to this?
Reporter: I think the both of you should answer. You as the MB must answer in your capacity as the CEO of the state and you the exMB must answer as the man responsible for the whole project.
MB: Where can, where can. Why he pay you money ka? Where can. When they built this, I did know anything about this. Who knows maybe they used clay instead of cement; maybe they used bamboo instead of steel?
ExMB: Hey idiot, where can use clay and bamboo? You think this is your father's house ka? Your father's house means I believe la. I heard people say your father's house is made of cowdung and bamboo only.
MB: You see, you see, this kind of people will blame everybody else except themselves. Now he wants to talk about my father. Wait, wait we ask the State Engineer.
SE: Preliminary checks show that there is nothing wrong with the design and materials used. In fact we found that the Stadium was made with better materials than reccomended. I just received an fax from Siera Leone stating that their geol0gical station recorded a massive underground landslide exactly under this stadium. That is the reason for the collapse. No one is to blame for this. Just nature.
Reporter: Is there anyway to verify what you have just said? How come this was picked up in Siera Leone but not in Europe, Japan and the US where they are more advance?
SE: I think the Japanese, European and Americans are hiding this valuable information because they are jealous of our development. They want to blame the government as corrupt. Luckily we have friends in Siera Leone. Hold on, hold on. I just got message from Zimbabwe, they reported the same thing.
MB: Ha, settle, nobody's fault. Ah, Mr. State Engineer, how much do you think it will cost if we want to build a new one? I want a bigger one la, 100K or 150K capacity.
ExMB: Er, MB, MB, I got a large piece of land in Ulu Terengganu. You want ka, I sell you cheap cheap only. RM392 per square foot.
MB: Wah exactly the number of votes Opah Min got ah. No I don't want, very expensive. We'll build in Kalimantan, land is cheaper there.
Monday, 1 June 2009
Actually Chelsea won the Champion's League. Serious I tell you.
I think all Chelsea fans should stand up, take off their hats and salute the DPM. He has just proclaimed Chelsea as the winner of the Champion's League. Serious I tell you. Where got bluff one?
No, he did not say it in so many words la but common la, you have to read between the lines la, like that also cannot understand ka? Hey I am not lying la. He did say that, or mean that.
Hey Barcelona fans, be a good sport and give the trophy to Chelsea. What? Why you ask? My DPM said so and you better do the right thing. Don't mess with Malaysia I tell you.
Okay, okay let me explain it to you. Between Arsenal and Chelsea who played better in the semis? Chelsea right? So lets leave Arsenal aside.
Who got into the final? Man Utd and Barcelona right? Right. What was the score? Barcelona 2 and Man Utd 0 right? Right. So Chelsea is the winner la. That one also cannot understand ka?
Aiyo, why so susah to explain one? What must draw diagram baru you understand ka? Okay, okay go here for a while. Then come back okay.
See, did BN contest the by-election? No, right? Right. Did Chelsea play in the final?
No, he did not say it in so many words la but common la, you have to read between the lines la, like that also cannot understand ka? Hey I am not lying la. He did say that, or mean that.
Hey Barcelona fans, be a good sport and give the trophy to Chelsea. What? Why you ask? My DPM said so and you better do the right thing. Don't mess with Malaysia I tell you.
Okay, okay let me explain it to you. Between Arsenal and Chelsea who played better in the semis? Chelsea right? So lets leave Arsenal aside.
Who got into the final? Man Utd and Barcelona right? Right. What was the score? Barcelona 2 and Man Utd 0 right? Right. So Chelsea is the winner la. That one also cannot understand ka?
Aiyo, why so susah to explain one? What must draw diagram baru you understand ka? Okay, okay go here for a while. Then come back okay.
See, did BN contest the by-election? No, right? Right. Did Chelsea play in the final?
Aaaaargh!!!!!
No, no, no, noooooooooooooooo. I don't believe this, I will not believe this, and don't any of you believe this either or else I am not going to be your friend. Enough is enough, we have cheaters in the government but now in the opposition?
I am ashamed of you PKR, truly ashamed. How could you? How could you resort to such dirty tactics?
Look, I was there in Penanti yesterday and I saw long queues, some extending for about 5 miles. All those people were chanting "Opah Min, Opah Min". They were going crazy and completely bongkers for her.
Then I saw Opah Min arriving and the people just went crazy. They rushed at her. They kissed her feet, they chanted her name, they wailed and pounded their chests, they screamed and danced. I could see immense pride and to a certain extend, a tinge of arrogance in her.
I could see the empty 'PKR pondok panas' and the gloomy look in the faces of the PKR workers who actually numbered less than the fingers of my left hand.
Roars of "Hidup Opah Min" was heard everywhere in Penanti even at the Chinese Cemetary.
I went home confused. How could this be? What do the Penatians see in her? Is she an agel sent here by the Heavens?
This morning I got up and read that Dr. Mansor had won with a very big majority. This can't be. There must be something wrong. There must be cheating, aaaaargggh!!!! big scale cheating.
I think PKR had worked with the SPR to rob victory from Opah Min. I am sure the BN too had quietly contributed to this daylight robbery.
Yes, now I realised, that the reason the BN did not field in a candidate was not because the feared PKR, they actually feared Opah Min more.
Opah Min, please forgive me. If I had been a voter in that constituency, your total number of votes would have been
I am ashamed of you PKR, truly ashamed. How could you? How could you resort to such dirty tactics?
Look, I was there in Penanti yesterday and I saw long queues, some extending for about 5 miles. All those people were chanting "Opah Min, Opah Min". They were going crazy and completely bongkers for her.
Then I saw Opah Min arriving and the people just went crazy. They rushed at her. They kissed her feet, they chanted her name, they wailed and pounded their chests, they screamed and danced. I could see immense pride and to a certain extend, a tinge of arrogance in her.
I could see the empty 'PKR pondok panas' and the gloomy look in the faces of the PKR workers who actually numbered less than the fingers of my left hand.
Roars of "Hidup Opah Min" was heard everywhere in Penanti even at the Chinese Cemetary.
I went home confused. How could this be? What do the Penatians see in her? Is she an agel sent here by the Heavens?
This morning I got up and read that Dr. Mansor had won with a very big majority. This can't be. There must be something wrong. There must be cheating, aaaaargggh!!!! big scale cheating.
I think PKR had worked with the SPR to rob victory from Opah Min. I am sure the BN too had quietly contributed to this daylight robbery.
Yes, now I realised, that the reason the BN did not field in a candidate was not because the feared PKR, they actually feared Opah Min more.
Opah Min, please forgive me. If I had been a voter in that constituency, your total number of votes would have been
393
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