Please La Sir

Mad Man: Sir, sir, please spare me a few minutes.

Man: Ok, what is it that you want? I'm sure you don't need money. In fact I think it's you who could spare me some money.

Mad Man: No sir, I don't need money sir. Yes, I can spare you any amount you want sir.

Man: Really? Then why are you stopping people like a beggar? I've been observing you for about half an hour. I see, you stop almost everyone walking down this road. You put up that sad face of yours and show a picture. What picture is it.

Mad Man: This picture sir. See, see, do you recognize this man?

Man: Yes, I do.

Mad Man: Please  sir, he is my father. In 2008, his heart was broken sir, so please sir don't do the same to him again sir. Please la sir, please la, I beg you la sir. Please don't break his heart again la sir.

Man: What do you want me to do then?

Mad Man: Vote for BN sir, please. Vote for BN so that I could be the MB and mend my father's broken heart, please la sir, please, please, please sir, I beg you sir, please sir, you want me to kiss your feet also I can do la sir, please, please, please sir come back, sir please la.

Monday Blues

MKT: DS, we are having problems with the civil service. They are not too happy with spiraling prices.

DS: Okay announce a 1/2 month bonus to them with a minimum of 500. Give 500 to the pensioners too just in case. What else?

MKT: The Felda people are none too happy with their present situation too.

DS: Felda too? Okay announce a special bonus. Make sure the total is under 50 mil. Next?

MKT: Sir the people are screaming mad with the National Day Logo and theme song.

DS: I thought so. I am also angry. Change the logo. We will see what we can do with the song and lyrics and tell Rais to not ever come out with any lyrics, even for his wife's birthday song.

MKT: Sir 2 of our MPs from Sabah has defected.

DS: Sack them. Make them look bad. Do we have any people who look like them so that we could come out with another sex tape?

MKT: No, sir, none.

DS: Get me Saiful then.

MKT: Sir, PR pledged to do away with duties for cars.

DS: Get our people to say that we will go bankrupt if duties on cars are done away with. Oh shit, this is a lousy morning.

MKT: Sir, is the elections still on for September?

DS: No, no, hold all preparations. I have got to call someone. (dial phone) Hey Ah Seng, ah, saya mau pinjam sikit duit boleh ka? Aiya mau election ma. Sumua duit sudah habis lor. EPF pun sudah talak duit, Apa? Petronas? Tak boleh lo. Itu orang tua sudah kasi sama dia punya anak ma. Apa gadai dia punya barang? Lu gila ka? Lu mau kasi wa mati ka? Tak boleh ka? Takpa la.

MKT: Sir, the elections?

DS: Call the AG and ask him to see if it is possible for us to have the elections in 2020.

Awards Galore

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, Dollah Badawi was called the Flip-Flop Prime Minister for being notoriously fickle but even he couldn't beat this. Yes, the National Day Logo is being changed for something else.

What? National Day Logo? Changed? Just about a month before the event? Yes, yes, and yes. The million dollar question is Has this ever happened anywhere else in the world? Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, nope, can't think of any precedent being set anywhere else in the world.

Oh I see, this must be another one of those efforts to get ourselves into the Guinness Book of World Records famously initiated by Koyakutty, I can't remember, The Great. Well congratulations to the BN government. You have just got yourself into the Guinness Book of World Records in 4 categories.

Category One: The 1st government ever, to have changed their National Day Logo.

Category Two: The last government ever to have changed a National Day Logo.

Category 3 : The ONLY government to have ever changed a National Day Logo.

Category 4 : The stupidestest government ever to have sullied the Earth because it has to change it's National Day Logo.

Actually, the people at Guinness missed 4 more awards. The same accolades should also be given to the Information Minister. Sorry Rais no awards for you. I am sure you worked very hard for the nation to have been given such prestigious recognition.

At press time, the people at Guinness has just informed me that we are way ahead in the Worst National Day Theme Song Lyrics category. They told me that this category could only be finalised after the 31st of December but they strongly believe that we would win hands down.

How could I not be proud to be a Malaysian?

Breaking News

Just In

The United Nations would be celebrating World Peace day on the 30th of February next year. To show their seriousness at making the world a truly peaceful place they have adopted the slogan 1 UN WE KEEP OUR PROMISE. 

A delegation is now on their way to Kuala Lumpur with the musical score for their theme song. They would meet the Information Minister who was tasked with getting the lyrics done.

According to an unnamed source, part of the lyrics goes like this:

One UN, One UN

We keep our promises, We keep our promises

So please remember us, Please,please remember us

One UN, We keep our promises.

Simon Michaels Feat Muneer MASIH

Simon and my son Muneer. Song by Simon and lyrics by me and my daughter Mazira.

Butoi ka boss?

Wife: Kay, why aren't you ready yet? You don'y want to vote ka?

Kay: I don't feel too good la honey, you ask Maniam to drive you there la, I am too tired of campaigning for so many days.

Wife: Why you think you can win ka? So confident one. Everybody said you are going to lose and yet you yourself don't want to vote.

Muthu: Yes la boss, come la we all go and vote.

Kay: Muthu you shut up. You are not going anywhere, you stay here with me, let Maniam take my wife there.

Wife: It's your own funeral la Kay. Okay I am going now. Maniam take the Mercedes out, we are going to vote.

Kay: At last the old lady is out, she won't be back for a few hours, Muthu get dressed, lets go out.

Muthu: Why boss? Want to vote ka?

Kay: No lah, we go find pomple la.

Muthu: Find pomple ka boss? Where?

Kay: Anywhere accept the polling centers la.

Muthu: Why boss? Polling centre la got a lot of people.

Kay: You stupid la. All ugly women only go to vote because the indelible ink would dirty their fingers. I heard, the ink won't go off for 2 years la.

Muthu: Butoi ka boss?

Application For Waiver

To
Minister of Transport
Malaysia

Or,
Director General,
Ministry of Transport
(should the minister be not free)

Dear Sir
                    APPLICATION FOR WAIVER FOR SPECIAL NUMBER.


I would like to point to the minister's reply that he was awarded the plate no WWW 15, meaning he was given a waiver from paying sum of RM24K. I am sure as a learned man, he had written to the Director requesting for a waiver, but being a very forgetful man, he forgot about it when first confronted by the press but he has now cleared the confusion by his revelation that, he got it for free.

I am sure this is not restricted to VIPs only since the government has time and time again boasted that that it is a fair government having the people's welfare at heart.

Being from Penang, I have long been fascinated by a certain plate no but I am sure it is going to cost me an arm, a leg, a nostril, an ear and maybe even a pair of testes if I were to bid for it.

Since there has been precedent of special numbers being awarded for free, and since this is a caring and sensitive government, I hereby formally request to be awarded the special plate number PUK 2. You can have the one with the number 1 because I am not that special.

Thank you in advance.

Just another Wednesday

PM: Ok ministers, enough with the chatting, our weekly meeting's about to start. Secretary, what's the 1st agenda?

Sec: The reports sir.

PM: Reports? What reports?

Sec: Those reports sir. The ministers are suppose to brief you on the ....

PM: Aaaah yes, the reports. Ok, ok. Minister5 please tell me about the fishing project that your family was given. I understand, the government gave you 370 million to start a fish project so that we won't be dependent on fish from Thailand.

Minister89: What? 370 million? My family was given only 200 plus million only.

PM: That one for meat, not all take meat. Hindus don't take that meat, this is fish, everybody eats fish. Ok minister5, your report please.

Minister5: Thank you PM. First I would like to thank the PM for having faith in my family by giving us this unsecured loan. We are presently sourcing out for some sampans and nets.

PM: Ok, good, good, there is progress here. How much have you spent already?

Minister5: Actually we have used up all the loan and we would like to ask for another about half a billion to carry on.

Minister102: You are only sourcing out for sampans and the money sudah habis ka? How come?

PM: Yes, I would like to know. Good question Minister102.

Minister5: Actually, we have bought a few office lots in Dubai for our office and a few Condos and penthouses in Dubai, Qatar, Singapore, KL and Haadyai. Then, we purchased some BMWs and 2 Ferrari for my son the CEO. Of course there are travelling expenses, hotels, entertainment, credit card bills and the obligatory donations.

PM: Oh, you have donated? Good, good. Have you caught any fish yet?

Minister5: If you approved the additional half billion loan, then I am certain that after buying some more office lots and condos in New York, Paris and London, we could start buying at least 5 sampans to start but to motorise the sampans, I am afraid you would have to add another 2 to 3 hundred million more.

PM: Ok, ok, we would look into that and I would get back to you later.

Minister7: PM, could you give my family an unsecured loan of about 700 million to start off a belacan project so that we wouldn't have to import belacan from the Falklands anymore?

Public Enemy

Spy1: Boss, we have cornered the suspect.

Boss: Where? Do not do anything yet, wait for my instructions.

Spy1: At Brothers Barber Shop Sungai 2 boss. I think he is trying to change his hair style to fool us.

Boss: Good, stay with him and wait for back-up. A platoon of marines from the US of A will be with you soon.

Spy1: Why do we need the marines for boss? We could do it ourselves.

Boss: Shut up you fool. Don't you know that he is dangerous? That;s why he is high up in the most wanted list.

Spy1: But boss, we have 30 men fully armed, why hire marines from the US of A?

Boss: They are the best, anyway, they only cost 50 million a day.

Spy2: Boss, suspect is coming out of the barber shop and is taking his Suzuki scooter towards TESCO Sg 2.

Boss: Stay with him, I repeat, stay with him, the marines are at the traffic lights in front of TESCO, they will get him there.

Spy2: Okay boss, roger and out.

(After 10 minutes)

Spy1: Boss, we have apprehended the suspect. He was about to make the exchange when the marines stormed in. Only 5 civilian casualties boss. Caught in cross-fire boss.

Boss: Good. Never mind about the casualties, collateral damage. Did you get everything on video? We need the video in court to prove this dangerous transaction.

Spy1: Yes boss, in HD some more.

Boss: Good, we will make sure he rots in jail. Anyway, did you get the evidence?

Spy1: Yes, boss, the RM200 book voucher is now in our custody.

Calling For Freedom

If you love peace and justice and if you believe we Malaysian can live together irrespective of race, religion and colour then you must see this.

ALHAMDULILLAH

NOT GUILTY says the judge and also the millions of level-headed justice loving people. Only UMNO arseholes believe otherwise. Of course they will appeal but that is for another day.

ALHAMDULILLAH

Just in case UMNO arseholes do not know how to count, how many do you think came? 1 hundred? 2 hundred?

But Tuan ......

Awang: Hello tuan, can you please help me?

Tuan: Sure we are always here to help. Are you poor?

Awang: Yes, tuan I am very poor tuan. I only get 700 a month and must support a wife a 5 children.

Tuan: Oh, how sad. How may I help you?

Awang: You see tuan recently because my children very hungry I stole from the supermarket and got caught. The court fined me RM3000 tuan so can I borrow to pay the fine?

Tuan: Hey! This is Pusat Urus Zakat, not Ah Long. We don't help these cases all.

Awang: But Tuan, why Menteri can borrow?

Kicap Cap Sia

Manager: Boss, I am sad to report that our sales have dropped quite a lot la.

Boss: I know and that worries me. Do you have any ideas on what to do?

Manager: I don't know la boss. Everything we do just didn't catch fire la.

Boss: Let me see the product again. Hmmm! I know, lets change the name of the product, add more colours.          get a catchy name.

Manager: You mean a new product?

Boss: Sort of.

Manager: I don't get you

Boss: Instead of Kicap Cap Isa, we change it to Kicap Cap Sia. Just add a little more Ajinimoto inside, change the labeling to make it attractive and offer a bigger bottle for the price of the old one.

Manager: Do you think the people would buy it?

Boss: Do you have any other idea?

Manager: What about close shop?
         

Please don't go!!!!!!!

Mat: Please, please don't go. Where am I going to find another partner like you? Please. Don't you cherish all the good times we had together?

Dollah: Noooooo! I'd rather die than to be without you please, don't go. Please, please, I can't take this.

Samad: What is life without you? If you must leave, then please take me with you. I've never had a partner like you before.

John: No, we have to go. It saddens us to go what with your tin and rubber but we must leave. Remember, you were never colonised, you were a partner, an equal partner. You have been independent all this while. Thanks for your gifts of rubber and tin. Her Majesty sincerely appreciated it. Bye-bye partner. Remember, whatever people may say about our relationship, one day a chosen one by the name of KELING would clear the air.

Sorry la Datuk

Journalist: Sorry boss, I can't go la, my daughter is sick, get someone else la please.

Chief: Aiseyman, where to find replacement, after all, it is only a few hours work. Kampung Baru only, near your house what.

Journalist: Cannot la boss, my wife will be angry la, please la boss. When have I ever refused you assignments? This time betul-betul cannot la boss.

Chief: Where to find people ah? You are the 18th person who turned down this assignment. Usually you all would be pestering me to go because of the free makan and allowance.

Journalist: You go la boss, got chance to be buddy buddy with the VIP.

Chief: Actually I want to go but my grandmother is getting married. What to do ah? Okay la, I'll call the VIP and let him know that we can't send anyone. ....... Hello, Datuk, Bernama here, we can't send the 500 journalist that you requested to go to Kg Baru this evening la, sorry la Datuk. What? 490 also can? I can't even get 1 la Datuk. Please don't be angry at me la Datuk Azeez.

UMNO Parrots and the Communists.

Mat Sabu said something about the communist attack on Bukit Kepong under British rule, which means, it was a British police-station. UTUSAN MELOYA spins the story to make it look like Mat Sabu had glorified the commies and then out came some of the most stupid Malay parrots and began to condemn Mat Sabu to the extend of calling those who saw no wrong with what he had said as commie worshipers.

I am so ashamed of these Malays who tried to sound educated but are truly so damn bloody stupid as to give credence to what UTUSAN had spun. Now I am going to accuse these arseholes of something which they are going to vehemently deny because it is not going to look pretty on their masters. These arseholes are actually racists of the lowest kind.

They are not actually mad at communism, they are actually mad at Chinese communists. I am not going to dwell much on what Sabu had said because it has been amply documented. What I am going to touch on is the hypocritical ways of these arseholes.

First let me reiterate that I am no commie lover, lest those morons start calling me one. They denounce the communist regimes as evil when the regime that they glorify at home is no better. Let me show you a few examples of the hypocrisies of these arseholes.

In a comminist regime, the masses, meaning the ordinary folks, have no access to information. All channels of information is controlled by the regime. Here in this country, the kampung folks who incidentally speak no English, are fed with news from MELOYA, and the Media Prima group. Where do they get access to alternative news? They are being prevented from getting the real news. So commie like.

In a commie regime, those accused by the regime of any wrongdoings are never allowed to explain themselves to the masses. Here it is the same. Was Sabu ever allowed the space by MELOYA and the Media Prima froup to explain what he had said? It is a big NO. Reminds of of the communists?

In a commie regime, the concentration of wealth is within the party politburo and those connected to them and what is the difference with what is happening in this country?

In a commie regime, protests, no matter how peaceful are brutally treated and we know what met the protesters in BERSIH and BERSIH 2.

I am in no mood to go on any longer because it nauseates me. All I want to say to these few parrots is please try to be original. Just because MELOYA said something doesn't mean you have to parrot it, It just shows your stupidity.

Ponder.

Masuri is very ambitious. He wants to be Prime Minister so he decides to use the service of Koyakutty who himself was an ex Prime Minister. He knew how Koyakutty ruthlessly smeared and cut down to size Matakuyu. Matakuyu was the one who succeeded Koyakutty as PM.

So successful was Koyakutty that Matakuyu is now a non entity. Koyakutty installed Nasmon as Matakuyu's replacement hoping that Nasmon would toe the line and abide by his orders but Nasmon had a very strong missing rib who got him in all kinds of trouble, not to say that Nasmon himself is not without failings.

The story goes that Koyakutty is very-very displeased with Nasmon for trying to be independent and decided to get rid of him and eventually install Mucousryz, his son, as the next Emperor. As his name suggests, Mucousryz is still green, his mucous has not dried yet, so no one would take kindly to the idea of being led by a baby.

Koyakutty knows that he has to install someone else first and serve for enough time till Mucousryz's mucous dry up so he pounced on Masuri, knowing of his ambition, and made a pact. Masuri welcomes the offer and a plan had been put in place.

The plan is so successful that Nasmon is suffering the fate of Matakuyu before his 'banishment'. Koyakutty wants everything to be done fast because he knows that his twice by-passed tinker could decide to call it a day anytime. He is no spring chicken you know.

I do not know the outcome of this tale but I do have a few questions. Masuri, though not known for his brilliance, is not dumb to be able to be where he is right now. He should know that a person like Koyakutty is not to be trusted at all. If Koyakutty could destroy Matakuyu and Nasmon, he could do the same to him (Masuri).

If he succeeds in dethroning Nasmon then it would mean that he will have to toe the line and do whatever Koyakutty orders or suffers the same fate as PM5 and PM6. Now would he want to be a mere puppet? I don't think so.

Does this mean that Masuri is confident that he could be his own man? How? Does this also mean that Masuri is banking on Koyakutty's tinker deciding that it is taking a long long long break and with that he could send Mucousryz to Kerala to meet his distant cousins?

I do not know what is going through Masuri's mind right now but, no matter what the outcome is, it looks like it is a 'heads you win and tails I lose' kind of thing.

My 5 months old granddaughter is getting married.

Don't be surprised if I were to tell you that my granddaughter who was born on Valentine's Day 2011 is getting married soon.

Hey, if a PR could get citizenship in 4 hours, why not this?

Help, help.

My knees were shivering as I broke into cold sweat fearing the impending Crimson Tsunami. Why have we awaken the sleeping giant? Oh, no! we are surely gone now. They are going on a war path. Read this, and you will know why I am so afraid.

If on the 9th, they mobilized a staggering 300 and painted the capital Red, imagine what would happen if the could mobilize 301.

Anyway, feast your eyes on this. Hmm, I wonder if they are Pakistanis or Bangladeshis?

Stop Press

A jaundice patient who was in critical condition was dragged from the ICU ward at a government general hospital yesterday.
A police spokesman confirmed the arrest and added that they are very serious in combating BERSIH.