Brave men they are.

IGP: Minah, come in please. Bring all the mails with you.

Minah: In a minute Tuan.

IGP: Before you sit, get me a cup of coffee please, black, no sugar. After the spare part change I have got to be careful with what I put in.

Minah: Yes, sir, there is nothing more important than health.

IGP: Read me the mails please.

Minah: This one is from the Raja Uda Police Station Butterworth. It says that they would like to ask for the station to be be closed because there are too many samsengs there and the personnel there are afraid for their safety sir.

IGP: Make a request to the minister to close the station. All personnel to be transferred to Sunway Lagoon as detectives. Next letter.

Minah: From Perak Headquarters sir. It says that the personnel are not happy because the state government is suspicious of them. They request to close the headquarters down and personnel be transferred.

IGP: Hmm, request minister to order closure of Perak headquarters and all personnel be transferred to Genting Theme Parks as detectives. Next letter.

Minah: From the pondok beat in Alor Setar near the stadium sir. They say that their personnel are being teased by some pondans. They are not happy because the pondans keep flashing at them. Request closure of pondok beat.

IGP: Okay, send approval for request and all personnel be given leave until posting is finalised. Next.

Minah: From the pondok beat at Lorong Gaharu Penang tuan. It says the personnel are fearful for their health because the prostitutes refuse to allow their customers to wear condoms. Request closure and transfer.

IGP: Hmm, okay, approve request and open new beat at the Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet near Sungai Dua Penang.

Minah: But you have already approved 5 new pondok beats at that outlet sir. One to transfer the pondok beat at Mak Mandin, one to transfer the pondok beat at Paya terubong and 3 to house personnels of the Bukit Mertajam police station that has been closed for safety reasons.

IGP: Okay, open up a pondok beat inside the compound of the Penang Headquarters and send them there. Next.

Minah: Request from the Perak marines division tuan. Request closure of base because the fishermen in Pangkor refused to listen to them sir. Also there are early signs of pirate activities and the personnel are afraid sir.

IGP: Request minister to close the base and request for 5 new mini bases at the meeting point of the Klang and Gombak River and a mini base at the smart tunnel in case there are floods. Next.

Minah: Request from the FRU sir. They say they are afraid of demonstrators. They request that next time there are demonstrations to send the army instead.

IGP: I can't ask the army, that is beyond my jurisdiction. Never mind reply saying that next time we will send schools cadet police members. Anymore?

Minah: Yes, sir, the minister wants to know if we need anymore police personnel in this year's intake?

IGP: Yes, tell him we need about 75,000 new personnels and 100 new police stations and 1500 pondok beats.

The Three Lakes

This lake
It is so deep
My legs couldn't touch the bottom
I am drowning.

Help me,

Thank you sir
But your lake sir,
though not as deep
is still drowning me.

Help me,

No not you
Not your lake sir
More shallow than the first
But deeper than the last

Help me.

Kerpov's tag.

I thought I could escape Kerpov's tag on the 15 things about oneself. I pretended that nothing happened but then I made the mistake of visiting Doc and Shah's blogs a little too soon.
Both were sporting enough to comply and I was feeling fucking guilty that I let my good friend down and so to make amends I am going to make it 16.

I'll try to give infos never before revealed about me but than there is nothing much about me really so some of the infos or Dalils as Shah and Doc like to call them may not be new after all.

1. Male, born in Tanah Liat Bukit Mertajam in 1956, the year of the monkey and moved to Taman Sentosa in 1964, went to Maktab Perguruan Kinta in 1975-76, Kelantan as 1st posting from 1977 - 1981, SMK Mak Mandin Butterworth, 1982 - 1987, did my Dip in ESL in UM in 1983/84, SM Rendah BM 1988, SMK Berapit BM, 1989 to mid 1993, USM (BA Hons English Language and Literature Studies) 1993/1996, SMK Datuk Hj Mohd Nor Ahmad 1996 to Oct 2004, 3 years as Penolong Kanan Pentadbiran but kicked out because like to lawan towkay, 2 months in Unit Penilaian dan Peperiksaan JPN Penang and kicked out again because lawan towkay again. December 2004 to March 2005 as Penolong Kanan Kokurikulum but sent in resignation letter saying I don't want the post and sent to SMK Sungai Nibong in March 2005 till now.

2. Do you know that I took part in the Kejohanan Olahraga Amatur Negeri Kelantan in 1978 in the shot putt representing Pasir Puteh and was knocked out in the qualifying round.

3. Play the guitar fairly well and use to sing in my younger years. Like to jam in pubs. Appeared on same stage representing the school band together with the Alleycats and my late brother's band, the Rockers. Sang on Rediffusion once, RTM Ipoh once and RTM KB once.

4. Fairly good swimmer in my younger days but must go slow to complete a lap nowadays because I carry 106kg of tissue, bones and blubber.

5. Only became an UMNO member member in 1987. Held the post of Setiausaha Pemuda Cawangan Taman Selamat. Quit UMNO in 1998 and now wants to destroy it.

6. Had a girlfriend for 5 long years but ended up marrying my father's choice, who is my cousin and has not regretted it at all.

7. I was chased out of my English Literature class in form 5 because I did not bring my Macbeth a form 4 textbook. Worked fucking hard in the subject at home and ended up getting the English Lit prize and the teacher refused to even smile at me since I proved that I don't need her to excell.

8. Had a total of 6 motorbike accidents, 1 in BM, 3 in Ipoh, 1 in Taman Tun and 1 in Kelantan and 1 bad car accident. 2 of the motorbike accidents were quite bad and the car accident scared the shit out of me.

9. Sent to detention class twice in my 11 years in school. Once in standard 3 for not attending extra-curricular activities and once more in form 5 for giving my science teacher a hard time. Actually it was not as bad as it sound but the teacher was a real sissy. He threw a chalk at me and I threw it back at him.

10. A Manchester United fan since primary school. Hates Liverpool the most. I don't mind if Arsenal or Chelsea gets the crown but definitely not Liverpool. Some of my favourite non Man U players are Ricardo Villo, Oswaldo Ardilles, Paul Gascoigne, Shaun Wright Phillips, Robinho, James the goalie, and a few more whom I can't remember off hand. The players whose legs I wish to see broken are all Liverpool players especially Gerrard, Fabregas and Van Persie of Arsenal and Chelsea's Terry, Ballack and lampard.

11. My first car was an Alpine Chrysler given to me by my second brother who took it back to give to a cousin to handle his business in KL and this cousin crashed the car, total lost. Next an Opel Manta, given by my late brother who then gave it to someone else. Bought my 1st car, a Proton Saga Aeroback 1.3, then a Proton Saga 1.5 saloon, a Proton Saga 1.5I. Sold the car when admitted into USM. After graduating bought a used Proton Saga 1.5 saloon for a month before changing to my biggest mistake a Proton Tiara and used it for about 5 years. Then bought a used Wira 1.5 saloon, changed it for a used Wira 1.6 Aeroback Milleneum Edition before buying my present car a new Wira Aeroback 1.5 in 2005.

12. I am very lousy in drawings. Art is a difficult subject to fail and I am honoured to be amongst the few who failed art at the LCE level.

13. Likes to change handphones. None of my handphones are used for a year. There was a year where I changed handphones 3 times in a year much to my wife's displeasure and I don't blame her actually. Now salivating for an OMNIA which I think I will get before year's end.

14. Circumsised at the tender age of 4 by a mudim kampong without any aneasthetics. Had to sit on the batang pisang. Got a toy gun as reward.

15. A heavy smoker. Smokes between 35 to 40 sticks of Winston a day.

Bonus Dalil.

I admit to having an extra-marital affair once. Only once and it was good while it lasted. It started when I was in the Space Shuttle Flight to Mars to get some antidote for Pak Lah's sleeping problems. Angelina Jolie who was also in the same mission had the hots for me. My only guess is that she was attracted to my overly sexy bloated stomach. Anyway we did not do it in the shuttle but rather behind some Martian rocks. My advice to any men who would like to have a fling is to do it here on Earth. The Space Suit makes it difficult. Anyway, I have since not answered all her calls. and those from Aishwarya Rai too.

Paintball anyone?

Yipee, I am rich, I am bloody rich and I am enjoying it. You know the condo that I said I wanted to buy? Well, I have cancelled the booking and am now looking for a penthouse instead.

Yes, I am going to be living in a penthouse and I am going to get myself affiliated with Penthouse Magazine and if I am not mistaken a certain Zubli is also going to get one. Aravind is going to get 2 and I really do not know how many Doc, Kerp and Shah Rir Khan is going to get.

Again I have to to thank this kind government of ours. Wow, a whopping 15 sen reduction. Do you know what that means? I can't start to imagine.

After getting myself the Penthouse, I am going to buy myself a Eurocopter, so that I could go anywhere I want with my entourage. My entourage would of course include the likes of Angelina Jolie, Daisy Reyes, Monica Belucci, Tara Spencer and Sarah Palin as my shoe girl.

Maybe I might even get me an Apache to play paintball with my new rich neighbours. You can't expect rich people to be at home watching tv can you?

I really can't say much lest someone out there decides to copy me so whatever it is thank you for the unbelievable 15 sen reduction. Err, the last time they reduced by 15 sen there was a by-election. Is there one coming? Is there anything happening that I don't know?

So all you rich bloggers, lets rejoice.

What the doctor prescribes

Well, it does not matter to the MCA people that they are being made use of by Big Brother in BN. It doesn't matter that they are seen as sucking up to BB's randy dicks. It doesn't matter to them that BB wants them to ditch their race and be humble servants whose votes in Parliament would allow BB to do whatever he wants.

After the disastrous showing in March which stopped short of a total annihilation, one would have thought that these MCA buggers would call in the CSI unit from New York or Miami or Ijok to do an autopsy and advice them on their next move, but no, they would rather perform their own autopsy with BB's help and they conveniently found out that the Chinese community did not actually ditch them.

BB managed to persuade them to believe that the Chinese community was actualy teasing them at the polls and that things would be back to normal come the next election.

Heaving a sigh of relief that they are still relevant, they are back to their own self and this year sees a record number of candidates fighting for posts in their version of MKT.

What happens after their elections are over? Who wins and who loses does not matter much now. What matters most is where does the MCA go after this?

Oh yes, I heard they have been doing some serious vocal training, bringing in those who trained Pavarotti to sharpen their shrills so that they would finally be heard.

After 50 years they finally found out that their voices are not loud enough. Now they want to be loud so that BB would hear them. I believe they can be loud in their dressings, loud in their spendings and also loud in their extra-marital affairs but loud in their vocals is just not MCA.

So they believe that by being loud BB would hear them. Don't they know that BB could be louder? Hey BB controls the media and they could turn the volume knob to whatever level they want to and at any time they want to and if that is not good enough they still have a secret weapon in that guy from Bukit Bendera. Do they still think that they could be loud enough?

So why this scampering for posts in a party so ill that amongst the tools it carries is a jump-start cable for its heart. Yes, its heart too, like the Chinese community, likes to tease it by taking a complete rest once in a while.

What the MCA actually need is a heart transplant. Get rid of that errant heart it has and get a new one. A real heart that is serious when it does its job. Get rid of the heart that encourages it to hop beds, beat up rivals, stoop low, suck up and enrich its leaders.

To do that, it has to distance itself from BB, the further the better, then and only then would the Chinese community decide to stop teasing them.

I envy this man

I envy this man. No, not because he runs free and lives the way he wants to and, no, not because he doesn't have to wear shirts and shoes and all the women in his community are likewise dressed and also not because he looks as dumb as our ministers.

From intelligence that I got, he is being courted by the states of Pahang, Johore, Negeri Sembilan, Perlis, Terengganu, Sabah and Sarawak.

Yes, you are looking at a future DATUK SERI.

Beautiful Grandfather

Press: Wow, fancy seeing you here Mr. khan. Visiting anyone in particular or you have a new movie?

Khan: Oh, how do you know I am coming to Malaysia?

Press: No I don't but once I see you I know that this is King Khan.

Khan: Thank you, thank you. Malaysians are so kind. I love this country although some of them like to make fun of me.

Press: Make fun of you? Please I don't get you. It can't be because of all Hindi actors, you are the biggest in this country.

Khan: Really? I am honoured but I am also confused you know.

Press: Confused? Tell me, maybe I can help you.

Khan: The government of the state of Malacca has asked me to come over to confer on me a state award. They are even paying for my flight and hotel.

Press: Wow, that's good news, you should be happy not confused.

Khan: Yes, I know I should but I don't even know where Malacca is? I don't even know what I have done to the state and people of Malacca to deserve an award.

Press: Aww, don't worry about it. Malacca confers awards to just about anybody they want to. You should be glad because others have to pay for the awards.

Khan: Pay for the awards? Really? I thought they only do it in India.

Press: Yes, true. I know of a beggar who has been saving for the past 7 years. He said in 3 more years he would have saved enough for a Datukship.

Khan: Yes, yes, Datuk, Datuk something is the award they are giving me.

Press: You mean Datuk Seri?

Khan: Yes, that's it, Datuk Seri. But why do they name it beautiful grandfather? Aryan is still young.