What Sponsorsip?

Wow! We are not only hosting F1 races, we are actually going to have our own cars participating in these races and if we learned fast enough, which I am sure we would, we could even do some crash stunts just to decide the outcome of some races.

Now, not bad eh, we could be the hired killers of the F1 races. If Renault is afraid that Ferrari would win they could always approach the 1Malaysia team and we could arrange for a certain Epol to drive one of our machines and at a crucial time he would apply the brakes and screams in ecstasy as the Ferrari driver rams into his butt.

Now with a strategy like that we really don't have to go looking for big sponsors do we? I mean if Epol's butt got a little bit too sore from the ramming we could always get the old pro AA.

No I am just kidding you, we do need some serious sponsorship coz the coitus interruptus of a PM said that the treasury aint gonna put in any money into this. No, they aint gonna sponsor this coz they have plenty of 1km long kampung roads to build at RM1 million a piece and Bagan Pinang needs to resurface that stretch of kampung road that they had just finished resurfacing yesterday.

Since participating in these races is going to cost a bomb and all the C4s were used up, where do we go looking for money without the people screaming? I mean, if you were to get Petronas to sponsor, the people aint gonna be too happy; If you get MAS to sponsor then where would MAS find the money to pay their staff? The same goes to all GLCs.

Not to worry, I heard Tony has got a whole line of sponsors ready and come race day, Epol and AA would gleefully grease up their arses for some much overdue whackings.

I heard they are going to pass a law that all vehicles badly battered up in road accidents, and thank god we have plenty of them, would be handed to the 1Malaysia team to build new machines. I am also told that Proton has promised to donate 20 percent of their stockpile of Milo tins to this cause.

Fung Keong has graciously agreed to donate their rubber scraps from their shoe factories to make tyres. Kayu Nasi Kandar has come in with a sponsorship deal to feed the crew all year round thanks to the cheap purchase of raw materials they got from a closed Nasi Kandar joint in Perth Australia.

Allagapa's would be paying quite a lot to have their name on the mufflers and Pulau Aman Belacan would be prominently carried on the driver's helmet.

At the time of typing this post, I heard 3 groups of Ah Longs are killing each other to get their names on the right door and the morgues in KL, Johore and Penang are filled to testify to this. The right door would carry a certain lawyers catch phrase "Corect, Correct Correct, The System Fixer" and I heard he got the space for a song. The song is Please Release Me by Engelbert Humperdick.

Well that's all for today folks, until I get further updates, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Revised, Improved and Humane

I knew it, these people are not all that bad. Somewhere in that smelly chest cavity there is a heart. They have promised to do it and now they have shown that they are serious about it. They have proven that their promise is not merely lip-service.

Yes, soon they are taking to Parliament and spanking new ISA and since they are the majority I am sure it would be passed albeit with a little bit of noise from the opposition.

I heard, its going to be radical, very-very improved and definitely humane. being privy to the content of the revision I am all too happy to divulge the contents of the revise act.

1. Only an Inspector and above could arrest.

2. A detainee must be transported by a Proton Waja or above. No kancils or Black Marias.

3. The arresting officer must cover the steel ring of the handcuff with a handkerchief so as not to hurt the detainee.

4. A detainee will be fed thrice a day and an extra meal on public holidays.

5. Ketupat and rendangs must be served on Hari Rayas,  roast turkeys during Christmas, banana leaf rice during deepavalis and Dim Sum during Chinese New Years.

6. Family members will be allocated an extra 5 minutes during visits.

7. Detainees will be allowed to watch the Chua DVD every weekend and the Viji tapes every Wednesdays.

8. Detainees would be allowed a 10 minute karaoke session every month.

9. During interrogations, detainees must be given made in Singapore chewing gum.

10. All interrogators must smile during interrogations.

12. All interrogation sessions must not last more than 23 hours and 45 minutes.

13. Cells must be bright and pleasant with portraits of smiling Cabinet members adorning the walls.

Priority

Press Statement

We have finished our investigations into the PKFZ affairs and are glad to announce that the MACC has found no evidence of wrongdoings in any of the dealings. In fact, it was found that everything was done very transparently. All dealings were done in accordance to the law.

As from today the MACC has d4ecided to close the files in the PKFZ affairs. As for the complaint lodged against the former Menteri Besar of Selangor, after exhaustive and very thorough investigations, the MACC also found no irregularities in his trip to Disneyland, and his purchase of the small landed detached hut. We found that all dealings were conducted above board. We would also like to congratulate the former menteri Besar for being a clean and incorruptible leader.

The MACC would also advise the former Menteri Besar to lodge a report against those who had intentionally tried to sully his impeccable image. If such a report is made, we would personally request the police to hand over the investigations over to us and we will conduct a thorough investigation, as thorough as the investigation in the TBH case.

We would also like to inform the general public that we have begun investigations into the Open House of the Selangor Pakatan Rakyat Government. Initial investigations have unearthed the following very serious inrregularities.

1. The Open House started 10 minutes early and ended half an hour late.

2. Exco members were believed to have also eaten food meant for the public.

3. Cordials served were not sweet enough and paper cups and plates used were not made from recycle materials.

4. The female singer performing was found to be scantily dressed. We have photographs that show her exposed ankles.
 
5. No Penans from Sarawak were invited. We believe this is done to sabotage the PM's 1Malaysia campaign.

6. 3 curry puffs were found to be 2 mm shorter and 1 gm lighter than the what is in the invoice.

7. All curries were cooked using Alagappa's curry powder instead of Adabi. This is an act to sabotage Bumiputra businesses.

8. The lawn was not properly mowed. The grass was found to be 3cm longer than the permissible height.

9. The MB did not change his Baju Melayu every hour as is required by National protocol.

10. None of the waiters and waitresses employed could speak German, Spanish, Russian, French and Italian which would put us in bad light in the eyes of European tourists.

11. Guests were allowed to have second helpings which is a waste in current hard times.

12. Irregularities in the invoices where many 'T's were not properly crossed and 'I's not properly dotted.

In view of this serious development, we hope to be able to complete our investigations soon and a final finding would be announced on the 29th of September in Bagan Pinang, Negeri Sembilan.

This post is inspired by Bakaq - Penarik Beca's post here

One Helluva Raya

Ever since my suddenly illness about 2 months ago, I have been quite careful with what I eat. I don't know though how long this will last. Anyway, if last year we had dry mutton curry, mutton dalca, beef rendang and chicken, this year its only chicken.

I have been avoiding red meat. No, I did not abstain from red meat completely but, to not make me gobble up, we (the kids and the missus) decided not to cook any.

This morning, breakfast was just ketupat and 'ayam masak cabai'. Don't be fooled by the 'masak cabai' part because it was not hot at all. I can't take spicy hot stuff because of my gastric problem. I know I should abstain from ketupat pulut and maybe just take Capatis or Roti Benggali instead, but common, give me a break man, raya comes only once a year and I am not the kind who celebrate it the whole month. I celebrate only for one day and then its back to normal.

After the usual sembahyang raya ritual, before we headed to my brother in law's place, we had a family photo taken. Actually it was many photos coz my daughters are both photo freaks.

Early on, it was just a mundane raya. After the visit to my bro in law's house, we went over to my sister in law's house spending about only half an hour at each, then it was back home and that was raya for me, or so I thought.

In the evening, though, things started to heat up. Blogger Razlin of Attack of The Skym! came over. Actually my sister and her family from Shah Alam came first and a few minutes after that Razlin arrived. We were just about to warm up with talk on the present political situation when my brother from Taiping with his 5 grown up children came over together with the family of my late brother complete with grandchildren.

Now this is what I call RAYA. With family and friends around, it was a riot. Razlin left but not before updating me on his latest project. He truly is a sweet young man, very respectful to elders. I must congratulate his parents for bringing him up, right.

Then it was more politics with my nephew from UMNO also in attendance flanked by me and my brother in law from Shah Alam who are both hardcore opposition people and my brother who leans more towards the opposition.

Well, anyway, we chatted busily but with our eyes always on the clock coz the Manchester Derby was the main attraction of the night. My eldest daughter, a Manchester United diehard had to follow her husband, a Liverpool freak, to her in laws in in Parit Buntar so she wasn't around for the match but she kept connected with us with every goal scored and there were 7 last night.

My son and youngest daughter who are also Manchester United fanatics kept me company. We were vocally supported by my 2 Man Utd loving nephews from Shah Alam and my brother. My brother in law was the odd one out. Sad to say, some people do make poor choices like supporting the scousers from the land of The Beatles.

Anyway the match was actually the highlight of the Hari Raya yesterday. We stopped for some ketupat at the half time whistle and when Owen scored the winner in the 96th minute, I could have sworn the roof almost caved in. Wow! What a raya.

Anyway these are some from this year's raya raya album. Until next time, have a good time ya hear.

The whole family.

Come the 11th of November we would be celebrating our 30th anniversary.

The original family minus the scouser lover. No, the missus is not into football but we gave her a team: Newcastle.

Selamat Hari Raya

To all Muslims, Selamat Hari Raya Idil Fitri Maaf Zahir dan Batin.
Drive carefully and we meet again after Hari Raya.


Kartu Penuh Hikmah Alhabib

Perbahasan

Di Persidangan MIC baru-baru ni, perwakilan berbahas dengan spirit 1Malaysia. Semua bersetuju berbahas dalam pantun sebab nak memertabatkan Bahasa Malaysia.

Perwakilan 1
Saya manyak jauh, Dublin Estate jugak mari
Sini mari meeting mau kasi kuat itu MIC
MIC bole mati kalu tadak itu Samy Datok Siri
Kalu dia mati kasi ganti sama Vel Paari

Satu worang tua paper dalam ada kata
Dia kata saya punya Datok Siri manyak celaka
Dia kata Datok Siri tadak buat kerja
Saya rasa mau gantong selipar dia punya dada

Perwakilan 2
Apa pasai mau marah sama itu worang tua
Memang butol itu Datuk Siri manyak celaka
Dulu miskin muka surupa macam kera
Isekarang satu family sudah kaya raya

Itu Subramaniam baik punya worang
Sini sana dia kirja siang malam
Itu Mica punya duit dia tadak kasi hilang
Sama dia saya manyak sayang

Perwakilan 3
Cit, cit apa ada guna ini Samy sama Subra
Dua, dua cakap saja manyak tapi tadak kirja
Saya punya mata saya ada nampak satu calon saja
Ini MIC punya dalam kasi Sothi jadi Raja

Itu Sothi suda lama saya ada kawan
Sama Samy pun dia ada berani lawan
Kalu MIC punya dalam dia sudah tawan
Gerantee Najib sama Sothi bule minum kopi satu cawan,

Perwakilan 4,
Saya tadak puduli isekarang saya manyak marah
Sumua ini pemimpin surupa saja cekek darah
India punya worang dalam estate jugak hidup susah
Itu pemimpin siang malam minum, enjoy pooodah,

Isekarang saya mau tau berapa wang Samy ada
Subra sama Sothi, Palanivel pun surupa juga
Dia worang punya duit sumua kasi jumla
Sama manyak sama sumua worang India punya juga

Perwakilan 5
Sumua worang jangan cepat marah mari
Relaks relaks juga kasi manyak senang hati
Isekarang sumua cakap manyak panas macam api
Nanti kopi duit dapat diam macam takot bini

Saya cadang ini macam sama sumua ahli MIC
Ini parti kasi tutop kasi bunoh sampai mati
Isekarang kita balik pigi jumpa anak bini
Esok ramai-ramai join UMNO di PWTC

Datuk Siri ada cakap.

Reporter: Datuk, apa komen Datuk tentang peluang "President's Men" dalam pemilihan party yang akan datang ini?

DS: Ehem, ehem, please ah, saya Datok Siri tau bukan Datok saja. itu Datok Siri sikit atas pada itu Datok tau. Lain kali sikit kasi baca saya punya biodata tau jangan jadi surupa itu wartawan tatau Karpal Singh apa party mari. Wokey, Saya punya calon-calon sumua bagos punya worang tuntu minang punya. Dia worang tadak surupa itu Subra punya worang, tadak kelas punya.

Reporter: Jadi DS confident, orang-orang DS akan menang?

DS: Sudah tuntu minang punya. Saya misti kasi menang punya. Surupa hari hari itu matahari sana timur punya dekat ada naik punya, tuntu minang.

Reporter: Tapi Dr. M ada buat kenyataan yang nampaknya tidak menyokong DS? Tidak kah ini akan mempengaruhi minda perwakilan?

DS: Dr M? Sapa itu Dr.M? Dr Muniandy ka? Apa dia itu Tohan ka? Saya sapa? Saya Samy, surupa Tohan jugak la itu Samy. Apa pasai dia mau tarok dia punya busar punya hidong dalam saya punya party punya hal? Saya tau dia India jugak mari tapi apa pasai dulu dia tamau join MIC? Apa pasai dia join UMNO? Sudah join UMNO jaga UMNO punya hal la. Jangan kasi campor MIC punya hal. Busuk punya orang tua.

Reporter: Tapi mungkin kah kenyataan Dr M akan mempengaruhi perwakilan nanti?

DS: Cit cit cit, tadaaaak la. Itu perwakilan sumua tau sapa itu Dr M? Orang sakit perot pun dia tak bole kasi ubat apa punya Dr ini? Dr ayam ka? Itu perwakilan sumua tau Dr M tadak bikin apa pun sama worang India ini negeri punya dalam, dia worang sumua binci sama itu Dr M. Dia worang sumua manyak sayang sama saya jugak. Mana saja saya pigi, dia worang menjerit, Samy, Samy, Samy, we love you. Saya manyak haru biru sudah jadi saya punya jantong. Dia worang manyak sayang sama saya. Apa macam saya punya worang bole kalah ini macam kalu?

Reporter: Tapi DS sendiri kalah di Sungai Siput?

DS: Dei mana saya ada kalah sana? Saya tadak minang, bukan saya kalah. Saya tadak minang pasai itu worang sudah manyak marah sama itu Pa Lah. Pa Lah punya pasai saya tadak minang. Kisian sama saya. Manyak India punya worang manyak sideh saya tadak minang. Ada yang sudah jadi gila dan ada yang dia sindiri punya diri sudah kasi bunoh. Tengok dia worang ada manyak sayang sama saya.

Reporter: Ada laporan yang mengatakan yang dulu ada seorang telah menipu dalam pemilihan party dengan mencuri 30 undi Subra yang menyebabkan kemenangan DS.

DS: Lu bole picaya ka itu cirita? Tadak la, mana ada. Actually, dia ada curi saya punya wundi itu pasai saya sudah sikit miss mau kalah tapi itu Tohan atas sana mau kasi saya minang jugak. Jangan picaya ini punya cakap sumua, apa pasai isekarang baru mau cakap. kalu itu kertas wundi bole hidop dia sudah ada cucu la. Cit itu cirita lama la, sudah busuk punya. Tamau cakap la itu lama punya cirita.

Reporter: Apa komen Datuk tentang kemelut dalm MCA sekarang?

DS: Aisay, apa pasai tanya sama saya ini worang punya cirita? Nanti dia worang cakap saya sudah tangan sudah campor dia worang punya hal punya dalam, tapi ah, saya mau kasi tau sama lu ah, ini woff the record la, tamau kasi cirita sama lain worang la, saya rasa itu MCA sudah mau jatoh la. Itu Tee Keat sudah mau mati la, tadak surupa MIC, manyak kuat punya party, tak bole goncang punya. Tamau kasi print ah? Okay saya manyak kirja ada.

Reporter: Last question DS, apa peluang BN dalam PRK Bagan Pinang?

DS: Cit, apa bodoh punya soalan mau tanya. Itu undi pos tengok la, ta payah tanya punya.

Detailed Description

At long last they have agreed to be serious about the matter. Thank God for common sense. At last the Penan people, especially, the women folks, are getting some justice. If you read here, you could see how serious the cops are but of course they do need some help to nab those itchy dicks.

All they are asking for are detailed information about those itchy dicks. Now that is not asking too much I think. Hmm I wonder how they would conduct the report. Could it be something like this?

Cop: Okay describe the man whom you claimed to have sexually assaulted you.

Girl: He is not so tall, he err

Cop: What not so tall? Tell me exactly how tall is he. In centimeters .

Girl: I don't know exactly how tall and I don't know what centimeters are.

Cop: You shout here and there that you are raped but you can't describe the rapist. How am I going to help you.

Girl: Sorry sir, next time I will carry a measuring tape every time I walk in the jungle so that I could measure how tall the man is while he is screwing me. Do you want me to measure how long his dick is and maybe the circumference of his balls too?

Cop: Waa, you kurang ajar huh. Okay how heavy is he, exactly how many kilos to the nearest 2 decimal points.

Girl: I don't know how heavy he is but rest assure on my way home I will buy a weighing scale because I am sure when I enter the jungle I would be raped so I would request that the rapist weigh himself first. Do you want his weight with or without clothes sir?

Cop: You are trying to be funny with me ah? What's his name?

Girl: That too I don't know sir, but I think I will have to add a portable photostat machine to the weighing scale and measuring scale that I have to buy so that while he is humping me, I could sneak into his wallet and get his IC and photocopy it.

Cop: I'll slap you if you try to be funny with me again.

Girl: Well what else is new? Don't you want to outdo your friends and throw me out of the window?

Cop: Don't test my patience. How many times have you been raped and what are the days and times.

Girl: Now I have to add a punch card machine to my list of purchase.

Cop: Don't be cocky and answer me.

Girl: Too many times that I have lost count and at no fix time.

Cop: You are not cooperating with me. You have not given me any information so how the hell am I going to be able to help you?

Girl: Why don't you take us victims under protection to their place where we can point them out to you. It can't get any more detailed than that.

Cop: Are you trying to teach me how to do my work?

Girl: No sir, just a suggestion but then I am sure you must have thought about it already since you are a very clever person. What else would you like to know sir? How many strokes did each rape last? The exact colour of his semen? Maybe you would also like me to furnish you his academic qualification, what political party he is a member of and whether his mother had cheated on his father before?