Things people would do to cari makan

Rosol: Ahmad, how you? I brought you some keropok la. This is the best keropok in the world la Ahmad.

AS: Oh, Rosol, you brought keropok ka? How nice of you, you know I like keropok. Thanks, thanks, have a seat. I was just about to call you, so you saved me the trouble.

Rosol: Ah, don't mention it la. I was driving alone in a rented car in Penang when it crossed my mind that you like keropok. I also don't know why because Penang and keropok don't jive but somehow I remembered how you once said that you can't live without keropok.

AS: In Penang, you remembered about me and keropok? Wah, you are precious la.

Rosol: So I thought why not get you the best keropok in the world? Since you don't get good keropok in Penang I decided to drive back to Terengganu to buy the best keropok in the world. Afterwards I have to drive back to return the car.

AS: You know Rosol, you make me want to cry la. Look, what you have done? I am crying already. This is the second time this week. Thank you so much la Rosol.

Rosol: Common man, what is this thank you thank you all. Friends don't say sorry or thank you to each other.

AS: Ah, I saw that movie, Shah Rukh Khan, what, what, Om Shanti Om, right?

Rosol: Wah, you also see Hindi movie ka?

AS: Sure la, what you think you alone like ka?

Rosol: Come to think of it ha Ahmad, I am glad I have a friend like you, not like that Deris.

AS: What? You not ngam with Deris ka? But the other day you all were screaming for my neck and wanted him as the MB?

Rosol: What to do la Ahmad, we all had to act only in front of him. If the party had not agreed to Tuanku's choice also, we would be secretly supporting you. They said we want to move a motion of no confidence, you think we will do it ka? The others may be la Ahmad but not me, I told them off in our secret meeting. I told them whoever trpes to get Ahmad down will have to answer to me. I will sink or swim with him.

AS: Wah you said that to them ka? And then what happened?

Rosol:They took the matter to Deris.

AS: They told Deris? Fulamak, then, then what happened?

Rosol: Deris drove to my house that very night la. I didn't even let him enter my house. I said, "Deris, if you want me to join you to sabotage Ahmad, please go la, I won't do it; even if he were to be taken under ISA, I would go with him".

AS: You told him that? I can imagine the look on his face la. Hey, drink la the coffee before it gets cold.

Rosol: Thanks, waaaah, this coffee is so good la.

AS: You know Rosol, I thought being a Menteri Besar is easy but it is not la. A Lot of work la. I think I want to get a deputy MB la.

Rosol: Yes, being an MB is tough. I know, and you should get a deputy MB, you know someone who would do anything for you even go with you under ISA, someone who knows you, knows what you like to eat and what you don't, I mean someone who understands you la. That fellow got no Datuk also never mind, that one not important.

AS: Yes la, I think you are right la. Hish! I am already late for a meeting la. If you could forgive me Rosol.

Rosol: Er, er just now you said you were just about to call me, what was it for.

AS: Ah yes, thanks for reminding me, I haven't even started work and I am forgetting things already. I was about to say don't bother calling me for an exco post because I am not going to give it to you but after this conversation that we had and these keropoks, I am sure I don't want you as an exco and thanks anyway for the Sandiwara. Close the door on your way out.

TOK BATIN, TOK KETUA DAN KUNCU 22

Aku nak tulih sikit hari ni pasai drama komedi dan cerita katun yang melanda negeri Terengganu sampai ada manusia yang sanggup menderhaka kepada Agong. Memang betoi la bila kuasa buleh disamakan dengan kekayaan, manusia akan jadi gila dan bertindak tanpa pikiaq dengan betoi. Bila dipisahkan dengan kuasa gila dia lagi terok dari gila talak.

Kita mula sebelum pilihanraya. Depa kata semua calon depa dah di tapis. Yang depa lupa habaq ialah depa pakai jaring pukat tunda untuk tapis serbok kopi. Jadi bersedialah depa untuk bertanding habis-habisan demi Bangsa, Negara dan Agama. Fulamak, bila dengaq saja meremang bulu ketiak. Mau tak meremang, ni depa nak pertahankan Bangsa, Negara dan Agama?

Lepaih tu depa guna lah khidmat hantu hantu impot untuk undi. Kita pendekkan cerita lah dan umumkan kemenangan depa. Melompat sekoq2 punya lah sakan sampai kera-kera merajuk pasai depa tak buleh lompat macam tu. Yang sekoq tu, dulu dia Tok Ketua depa la, dah mula dok plan siap-siap apa dia nak buat. Entah entah barisan exco dia pun dia dah siap apa? Kawan-kawan lama pun mai la bertandang, ucap tahniah dan janji tetap setia sehidup semati dengan dia. Kalau dia melatah 'opocot' pun depa gelak bedekah-dekah sampai pecah perot.

Lepaih tu Tok Ketua dah dok rasa tak berapa seronok dah. Watikah dia tak sampai lagi. Dia pulak dengaq cerita-cerita kurang sedap dari Istana dan Putrajaya. Jenoh berulang alik lah dia ke Putrajaya jumpa Tok Batin. Tok Batin pun habaq lah kat dia yang Istana tak berapa bekenan kat dia so perlantikan dia kena delay sikit. "Sat saja", Tok Batin kata. Dia pun balik dan paksa diri untuk senyum kat penyokong-penyokong, dan kaki kaki ampu dia.

Ada yang perasan Tok Ketua tak berapa form sangat. Dia pun mula dok gelabah jugak pasai Tok Ketua dah janji habuan dia. Bertaboq lah buah anggur dari tangan dia bila dia dengaq Tok Ketua kata, Istana tak mau dia. Kecut perut dan kecut lagi lah teloq dia. Mampoih kalau Tok Ketua tak dapat. Si pengampu nombor satu pun mula lah rancang tindakan nak ajaq Istana dan jugak orang yang Istana mau.

Dia pun cadang depa ramai-ramai tunjuk sokongan depa kat Tok Ketua. Untuk nak ajaq orang pilihan Istana, depa buat laporan kat BPR kata dia rasuah. La, macam mana ni? Kan baru saja hari tu kata semua dah tapih? Macam mana buleh ada kes pulak? Aaalah, biaq pi la, kuasa punya pasai, orang nak kata penipu pun kata lah, lagi pun paper dan TV bukan nak sentuh cerita tu.

Tok Batin jatuh tersungkoq bila dengaq Istana dah umum sapa dia mau. Dia tau mesti Tok Ketua pilihan dia dengan balaci-balaci dia dok teloncat-loncat macam kera kena cabai di pungkoq depe. "Hai, mana buleh tolak pilihan kami"? Tok Batin kata. "Kami yang menang, kami lah pilih", dia tambah lagi. Ni dah terok ni. Ni bunyi macam derhaka ni. Apa tak pikiaq ka sebelum nak cakap? Orang kata sikit saja, hampa mengamok satu Malaya kata biadap lah, derhaka lah, kurang ajaq lah. Ni hampa terang-terangan lawan perintah Tuanku macam mana?

Depa tak puaih hati, depa cari lah barua-barua depa untuk tunjuk perasaan. Barua yang ada tak berapa banyak pun. Ada jugak yang takut nanti orang kata derhaka jadi dia bagi jawapan standad la, "Hang pi, hang lawan, aku sokong dari belakang". Depa pun kena lah bok keluaq duit untuk mencari barua upahan. Barua upahan peduli apa, bagi duit apa pun buleh jadi. Depa pun ramai-ramai, yang tak berapa ramai tu, bawak sepanduk dan tunjuk perasaan. Polis pun pi lah nak kawai pasai ada tunjuk perasaan tapi depa tak bawak gas pemedih mata. Cota pun depa tak bawak. Depa bawak teloq depa yang melandoq tu saja.

Tok Batin mula la tak seronok pasai dia dengaq ada sepanduk yang tak elok pun depa angkat. TV3 yang selalu dok jilat pungkoq depa, tersiar, atau sengaja siar, yang mana satu tak tau lah, sepanduk tu. Tok Batin dengaq rakyat dah dok hot dengan depa ni pasai kurang ajaq sangat lawan cakap Istana.

Tok Batin pun pi la jumpa Agong. Pedih telinga dia kena lecture. Dah la tu, Agong nak tengok akaun pulak. Mampoih la kalau kena tunjuk akaun pasai akaun Wang Ehsang tu depa tulih dalam buku 555 saja. mau tak mau, kena ikut cakap lah jugak. Tok batin pun talipon kat Tok Ketua kata sorry lah, dia tak boleh tolong. Punya lah sedih dan punya lah hiba dia dan kuncu 22 dia.

Maka Tok Batin, Tok Ketua dan kuncu 22 pun ramai-ramai cari straw untuk minum (bukan jilat) balik ayaq lioq depa. Ada bawa perasa vanilla, ada bawa perasa strawberry, ada bawa perasa durian dan ada jugak yang tambah dengan budu. Pernah dengaq dak pepatah Melayu yang berbunyi, dah jatuh di timpa tangga lepaih tu tin cat jatuh terserkop muka, bangun jalan melelong lelong kena pulak langgaq kereta, terpelanting ataih jalan raya, tergulin-gulin jatuh dalam paya dan last sekali kena baham boya? Pernah dengaq dak? Pernah kan? Yang tu lah jadi kat Tok Ketua dan 2 sahabat penyamun dia. Dah lah tak dapat apa, yang ada pulak di ambik orang. Gelaran Datuk yang Agong bagi, Baginda tarik balik. Aduh malu, punya lah malu, rasa serupa dok jalan tak pakai seluaq, nak tutup tak buleh pasai tangan kena ikat di belakang dan si Awang tu pulak dok berdiri tegak macam orang dok nyanyi Negara Ku.

Yang lagi menyakitkan hati bila pi saksi si pilihan Agong tu angkat sumpah. Dah lah tengok takhta dirampas orang, pasai nak berdrama untuk akhbar punya pasai kena dakap pulak dengan dia, kononya, semua dah okay. Heee, geram nya aku, geraaaaaaaaaam.

Bila tengok betapa Tok Ketua tersiksa kesian pulak aku, jadi teringin lah aku sebagai orang yang bukan muda bagi sepatah dua kata untuk naikkan semangat depa balik supaya depa akan terus berjuang untuk Bangsa, Negara dan Agama. Dengaq baik-baik ya, PADAN MUKA.

Introductions

Samy: Hello, I am Samy Velu, I am an ex minister.

Tsu Koon: Hello, I am Koh Tsu Koon, I am an ex Chief Minister

Khir Toyo: Hello I am Mohd Khir Toyo I am an ex Menteri Besar

Dolah: Hello, I am Abdullah Badawi, I am an ex Prime Minister

Mahathir: Hello, I am Mahathir Mohamad, I am an ex government.

The Formula

Oh, for heaven's sake stop it la Pak Lah. Haven't we gone through this drama before? Haven't we seen it all? Didn't you show us how you can make promises, only to cross your fingers behind? Come on man, if you are going to do it again, at least try something new man. Try a novel approach, something that would fool the people again into believing that you really mean it this time.

Pak Lah the last time you said you were going for corrupt buggers, you hauled up ikan bilis only. Of course the people thought that you were teasing them with these ikan bilis and they waited anxiously for you to land the Megalodons. They waited and waited but still no Megalodons, heck not even ikan kembung man, only ikan bilis. Did you know that many died waiting?

Yeah, I heard that you admitted that it could be because you were slow in making changes that the people were angry at your government. Well, let me tell you this. You were not slow, you were standing still, you were not moving at all. You made a tortoise feel like an F1 mean speed machine.

Okay, so you realised you were slow. Okay let's say we buy that, but up till now you have not even started the engine yet. When you say something at least have the decency to show that you mean it. No we are not asking you to cry to show that you really mean it. We are asking you to stop crying and get to business. Ahmad Said's tears are tears of joy that now the RM1 billion a year is at his disposal; Mahathir's tears were tears of a desperate old man hoping to cling on to power, your unshed tears are for what? Get up man and crack the whip. Don't use the whip from a pondan stingray la. Use the one that took that crocodile hunter down. Use one that sends shivers down to the balls.

Oh, I see, you are asking why all of sudden I am talking about this when people are talking about Shahidan and Lim Guan Eng and Deris and Ahmad Said and the person you have forgotten, Anwar Ibrahim, and that senile old man who can't retire quietly who asked the tribunal to apologise, apa nama dia, ah, he's not important, and The Agong? Well let me tell you why I am shouting my throat coarse.

Do you know what's deja vu? I am sure you know; that I can give you. You are definitely not a Zam or a Mike Tyson wannabe. Well lately I have been having a bout of deja vu. The press were going ga ga about an inspector hauled up for demanding money, about some very insignificant people being taken in for questioning regarding corruption and today I read that a town councillor in JB is released on police bail also regarding corruption.

Your MSM is going to town with this news like they did when you first assume the Premiership. Remember? I am sure you do. So between these cases and those old ikan bilis cases, what is new? Nothing, nada, zilch, kosong, mote (egg in tamil). Hey at least get someone bigger to show that you mean business. You admitted to being slow but I think you lied. You were not slow, that was your full throttle speed. You just can't move, can you?

Let me tell you what to do if you harbour any hope of performing a comeback but the way I see it, things don't look too good. Imagine a kindergarten football team whose players are blindfolded and have their legs tied together playing against the mighty Brazillian team with full complements. Imagine again that you are the captain of that kindergarten team and you would get my drift. But then again nothing is impossible, so they say, lets say you want to get yourself out of the deep shit you are in now, very much of your own making, may I add, the thing you should do is make a big impression, no, make it a thunderous impression. How, you ask? Now you are talking and I have just the proposition for you. Read on.

The way to show that you mean business when you say you want to fight corruption is to order the ACA to arrest a few ministers for corruption. They must be full cabinet ministers either serving or retired. The arrest must be shown on prime time TV. If possible lead the team yourself. Hey you are the PM, you can assume any role that you want, except King and Agong la, if you know what is good for you. Take them to court the very next day and in full view of the people via live telecast; ( damn it, declare a national holiday la so that the whole country can watch, that also I must teach you ka? Hey, the people love holidays la) strip them bare of all their misdeeds. After finding them guilty, you can either jail them or shoot them, nobody is going to make a fuss about it.

What? Where are you going to find the people? Just look to your left and to your right; in front of you and at your back, they are all there. Just go ini mini maini mo, and the person your finger touches after saying these magic words is sure to be a corrupt bastard. Do that everyday of the week for as long as you can (which I don't think would be long) and maybe, just maybe, you could get your ratings up a wee bit.

What? You can't do it? Too many important people around you? Hmm lets see. Okay we go to plan B. This is easier. Empty your office cabinets and drawers and take all you personal belongings. Why should you do that, you ask? Must I tell? In front of all these people?

Ode To Black Gold Country

This is a story from black gold country
Not sure if it's a tragedy or comedy
But for sure, what's going on is quite funny
Let's call it a comedy in a tragedy.

They say their list is very clean,
All their candidates has passed the wean
They denounce the oppositions with looks so mean
So cock sure that the election they will win

They raided the booths with imported ghosts
Whom they treated with doughs and roasts
We will win big they shout and boast
Sure enough in the end they took the toast

One more term we will rule this land
He the leader and we his men
Come to our state we recommend
See our crystal mosque and golden sand

From KL he came with looks so sour
It seems his tenure, the King devour
No, no, we will rebel this very hour
Our dignity no King will ever lower

It's not difficult to do him in
To the ACA we will create a din
His cases we will dig out of the bin
To show the King he's guilty as sin

But didn't they claim that they are clean
That their people have passed the wean
Why suddenly accuse one of sin
Could it be the weaning is just a spin?

This is unconstitutional KL said
The king must chose what pleases the state
23 people their mind have made
The King must follow so don't be afraid

They scream they shout around the clock
But the Palace stood solid like a rock
Humiliated was KL when King gave a stern talk
With tails between their hind they all walk

But this is not the end of story,
The palace still frown upon a group of three
The Palace they sullied with indignity
Their Datukship confiscated but still they are not free.

Alahai! Nasib

S/U: Boss, ada orang nak jumpa.

AS: Dia ada appointment ka? Aku ada banyak kerja ni.

S/U: Kerja apa boss? Tadi saya tengok dok main video game aje.

AS: Ish budak ni, nanti orang tu dengar la. Aku transfer baru tau.

S/U: Tak apa boss, dia gi bilik air kejap.

AS: Ha! gi bilik air? Kenapa kau senang2 bagi orang guna bilik air ni?

S/U: Ala boss, dia jugak yang buat bilik air ni boss. Takkan tak boleh bagi dia guna?

AS: Deris ka? Ha nanti suruh dia masuk. Suruh dia ketok pintu dulu.

S/U: Baik boss. Ha Che Deris, boss kata boleh jumpa dia. Tolong ketok pintu dulu dan tunggu dia suruh masuk ya.

Deris: Apa, ketok pintu? Aku kena ketok pintu? Aku yang renovate pejabat ni jadi macam istana, aku kena ketok pintu pulak?

S/U: Ini pejabat Menteri Besar Che Deris, dan Che Deris bukan Menteri Besar, so kena ikut peraturan la. Dulu pun Che Deris pernah marah saya sebab biar orang masuk tanpa ketok pintu.

Deris: Oh, nak balas dendam la ni?

S/U: Bukan balas dendam Che Deris, cuma ikut peraturan pejabat. Hm, En. Patrick tak datang bersama?

Deris: Milah, awak jangan nak perli saya, nahas nanti.

S/U: Eh, perli apa Che Deris? Saya tanya saja. kan dulu selalu bersama? Takpa la Che Deris, saya ada banyak kerja ni. Nak kena contact kontraktor suruh renovate pejabat ni sebab boss kata dia tak suka, macam wat Siam dia kata. Dia bagi peruntukan 5 juta Che Deris.

Deris: Wat Siam? Celaka punya Mat. Alah, 5 juta tu nothing la. Dulu saya renovate, 15 juta. Saya masuk ya.

S/U: Jangan lupa ketok pintu.

AS: Oh Deris, masuk, masuk.

Deris: Terima kasih.

AS: Ehem, ehem, saya tak suruh dudok pun?

Deris: Oh, maaf. Dah biasa sangat.

AS: Tak apa saya faham tapi setakat sini saja la ya. Meja tu saya yang punya.

Deris: Saya tahu. Kalau tak ada perkara yang penting, saya pun tak datang.

AS: Ha, apa yang penting sangat sampai pagi-pagi lagi dah datang? Dulu saya dengar ada orang cerita yang you kata, kalau saya jadi MB, you tak akan pijak dah bangunan ni.

Deris: Sebab penting sangat la, saya langgar sumpah ni. Sebab negeri. Untuk kepentingan negeri, saya sanggup datang juga.

AS: Oh, demi kepentingan negeri? Serious saja bunyinya? Ha, duduk la, jangan lah berdiri situ macam Pak Guard pulak. Kalu nak jawatan Pak Guard ada la. Mana lah tahu, nak kerja part time ka?

Deris: Aku datang ni nak tanya tentang pembangunan Pulau Duyong tu. Minggu depan kontraktor utama nak masuk dah. Jadi sila sediakan segala yang mereka nak dan sediakan cheque untuk 50 peratus harga tender dan aku diberitahu yang harga kontrak keseluruhan dah naik lagi 70 peratus jadi sila kira baik-baik. Yang 50 peratus tu adalah berdasarkan harga baru, bukan harga lama. You tau kira dak. Aku ada calculator boleh pinjam. Tau ka guna calculator, kalau tak tau aku boleh tolong ajarkan.

AS: Oh, kontraktor nak masuk? kena siap 50 peratus atas harga baru yang dah di naikkan lagi 70 peratus? Tapi, kontraktor aku kata, tak naik apa pun? Aku tak payah kira pun, dia dah kira kan? Dia kata peruntukkan dulu tu dah lebih dari cukup?

Deris: Kontraktor mana ni? Gila ka?

AS: Oh lupa nak cakap. Aku dah terminate kontraktor lama tu, mahal sangat. Pusat pun dah setuju dah. Kontraktor lama tu baru saja dapat surat. Aku dengar dia ada di Tanjung Rambutan sekarang sebab terkejut. Deris! Deris! Deris! Deris. Ish susahkan orang saja la. Milah, panggil ambulance.

Natang

Deris: Samy, mung ade mane?

Samy: Ini sapa ni? Mau main-main ka? Lu apa mau?

Deris: Alloh, Samy, ni Deris la.

Samy: Apa Doris? Mana ada Doris. Doris purumpuan la, lu punya suara macam jantan saja. jangan main-main sama saya ha. Saya punya marah bulum habis lagi.

Deris: Ape la mung ni Samy? Aku Deris pong mung dok kenal ke? Deris, dulu menteri besar gganu.

Samy: Oh, Idris Jusoh ka? Aiseman, Idris, hey please la, cakap bahasa standad la Idris. You cakap itu Terengganu punya slang, saya tadak paham la. Apa macam sekarang? Apa macam you punya kes? Sudah selesai ka?

Deris: Okay aku cakap bahase standad tapi kalu miss sikit2 tak pe dok?

Samy: Pedok? Apa itu pedok?

Deris: Aaah biya lah tu. Aku dok dapat jadi MB la Samy. Deme takut dengang Agong. Aku kene buang doh. Serupa mu la Samy?

Samy: Aih, baik baik cakap ha. Saya mana ada kena buang? Saya sikit vote kurang dari itu Jeya. Saya still MIC punya presiden. Kalau mau sekarang jugak saya bole phone sama Pak Lah suruh kasi jadi menteri. Saya ta mau saja. Saya mau rest la. Duit banyak ada, apa mau kerja lagi?

Deris. Mu tak pe la Samy. Mu doh kaye. Mu doh lame jadi menteri, aku ni baru 1 pengga je doh kene buang, ni yang aku maghoh ni. Ahmad Said tu dok tahu ape Samy. Die bukang buleh jadi MB. Die dok buleh wat keje.

Samy: Kalu you manyak bagus punya orang, apa pasal itu Agong ta mau sama you? Tengok saya berapa lama duduk dalam kabinet, sumua orang suka. Dia orang punya rumah rosak kalu, sikit jam saja saya sudah suruh JKR pigi repair.

Deris: Aku sedih la Samy. Ape la nasib aku. Aku nok mitok tulung mu la Samy.

Samy: Apa tolong mau. Duit ta bole kasi pinjam ha. Mau pinjam kalu bunga misti ada, cagaran pun misti ada.

Deris: Aku pong ade duit la Samy tapi dok banyok seghupe mung la. Aku nok tanye, macang mane aku nok dapat komisen aku hok deme tu janji dulu? Loni aku doh bukang MB, deme dok pandang muke aku doh. Aku talipong pong deme dok jjawab.

Samy: Aya, lupa la itu sumua. You sudah tadak di sana you apa pun tak bole dapat la. You cari lain lubang la Idris. Banyak lubang ada apa.

Deris: Lubang ape Samy? Cerite le. Jangang le kedekut.

Samy: Terengganu manyak famous dia punya kerepok kole apa. You sumua bili, you jual sama Jepun la.

Deris: Kepok leko la, bukang kole. Hok tu pong mung dok tahu ke? Mung jangang la wat lawok Samy. Ape mung loni dok jual tose ke?

Samy: Apa pasal saya mau jual tosai pulak? Saya manyak kaya.

Deris: Tulong la aku Samy. Mung soghang je jawab call aku. Hok laing semue wat dek je. Aku ingat aku nok rizaing le jadi Adung. Gaji pong dok banyok mane. Aku nok gi Ostolia la. Aku fong Patrik nok dudok ghumoh die, tapi die dok bagi. Deme wat aku seghupe natang aje.

Samy: Apa you mau Deris, life is like that la, especially in BN.

Maaf kalau loghat Terengganu tu banyak salah. Ni la first time nak try pun.

Nuke or be Nuked

What I am going to write about maybe controversial but I feel like writing it anyway, controversy or not. I have read a lot being said about the matter of Anwar seeking lawmakers from the other side to hop over to BR and initiate a takeover of the country thus ending 50 years of Alliance / BN rule.

What do I think of it? For this particular instance, I am all for it, in fact, it should be speeded up. Why this stand? I'll answer that with another question: Why not?

We have seen how, in the past BN had resorted to questionable tactics to reverse whatever big gains the opposition made. Boundaries were conveniently cut and carved to manipulate voting patterns. When they were hit with a brick as in 69, they had to resort to forming a coalition. So what's wrong with a coalition? One glaring thing: UMNO, MCA and MIC are still in the driver's seat with Gerakan and PAS tasked with the unenviable duty of warming the back seats. PAS, tired of being a mere passenger quit the coalition in 77.

This time around they are hit even harder, much like a huge chunk of earth-bound stray sattelite. It is bleeding very badly so much so that after almost 20 days they are still groggy. Would they then resort to the same old tactic? It would definitely be an option but remember UMNO being the party with the most number of seats would still have their feet on the gas paddle and their sullied hands on the steering wheel. They would of course concede a few ministries or bloat the cabinet again to accommodate the latest additions to the family.

They would of course go back to their old ways and at the same time corrupt the new additions. Dissent would of course be frowned upon. This gives them the time to energise themselves and soon with manipulations of the boundaries and with the help of the SPR they would be ready to go it alone once again. Lets rule out a coalition then.

I have read how some said that BR is ready to take over come 4 or 5 more years and if we could wait for so long what's 4 or 5 years?. How naive can we be. Hasn't history taught us anything? They are in battle mode and to fight them we have to be in battle mode too. As in any war, fighting a battle requires an effective strategy. We may have the edge when it comes to soldiers but they have the big guns.

Their arsenal includes money, the MSM, the police force, the judiciary and the AG. These could be likened to having nuclear warheads. They really do not need that many soldiers any more as can be seen in the last GE. Do not be misled by the loud chorus that we hear in the net. Amongst those in the chorus are people who still want them to helm the engine room but with another driver, that's all. These very singers would ditch us once the drivers of their choice has fastened their seatbelts.

If left to their own device, they would get the SPR to work overtime in manipulating the roll. The planting of hantus would be more efficiently done. They would of course need to re-carve the boundaries. They can't do this without two thirds majority but needing only 8 more, this could be easily done.

Remember prior to the elections, many opposition leaders were hauled up for participating in demos? Not many were charged. If I am not wrong, I could be wrong, there are still cases of opposition leaders not fully dispensed with. All they need is to make use of their buddies in the courts to find about 8 of these leaders guilty and fine them RM2000 or more and there go these opposition MPs. Remember Kulim Bandar Baru? There could suddenly be more Kulim Bandar Barus and of course the courts would side with them.

There could also be crossovers by MPs from the opposition themselves. Money, like it or not, can do this. With a rejuvenated number of MPs on their side, you can bet your last dollar and borrow from Ah Longs to bet more, that they would carve the boundaries until they are unrecognisable. Heck I wouldn't be surprise if a few districts in Lahad Datu be part of Bukit Bintang and what can you do about it? Go to the courts? Do you truly believe you could get justice from the present batch of clowns we have there in our courts? Do you think Zaid is going to make a difference. He made one recommendation and has already got the hiding of his life. His behind still sores.

By the time they are ready to call for an election, you can borrow millions more from Ah Long and bet confidently that they are are going to come out triumphant, irrespective of who the driver is.

My two cents on this matter is to go on with it and do it fast. There is infighting now amongst them and this should be exploited to the fullest. Remember we are still in battle mode and we are only one battle away from winning the war. Lose this chance and kiss our chances goodbye because they are going to nuke us. Some would say that this would make us no better than them. I say no. They do what they did to be in power to plunder. We do what we are going to do to stop the plunderers and the plundering. Oh, yes, one more thing. I know this is debatable.

NEP

Balaci: Okay meet us at the padang next Monday at 2pm.

Demo: Hold on, what about the money? No money no demo. Nothing is free you know.

Balaci: I know. Since when you people do things for free? Standard rate la RM50 per head.

Demo: Wait, wait, wait a minute. Times have changed la brother. Everything has gone up, minyak, roti canai, I think even back alley prostitutes have also hiked up their price la. No deal la.

Balaci: This is for the party la. This is for the Malays. They are doing away with the NEP. They cannot do this. What will happen to the Malays. Common la, okay RM60.

Demo: Hey Mamat, you think I don't know ka they give RM100 each? You want to whack RM40. If 1000 people means how much?

Balaci: No, you are wrong. Yes, they pay RM100 per head but that includes the bus fare and food and other expenses.

Demo: You think I don't know ka the buses and food are sponsored? Don't talk about NEP or Melayu to me la. If I am not hard up for money I won't do this la. The NEP only helps you and your friends la. If it is that good and successful, why do you have to pay Malays to demonstrate for a good cause? They would be well off already, you don't have to pay them, they will go on their own willingly.

Balaci: Waa, now clever already ah? When you wanted that low cost house who did you come to see?

Demo: Yes, la I went to see you, because I knew you got 5 units just like that. Why yours is 1st class NEP and mine is 3rd class punya ka?

Balaci: You want to go or not?

Demo: RM100 I go otherwise you go and get those Indons and Banglas la.

Balaci: Okay, RM100 but don't tell anybody.

Demo: One more thing, I only go there with you all, I don't want to carry any banners.

Balaci: Cannot la like that. You must carry banners also la.

Demo: How big?

Balaci: I don't know yet.

Demo: RM10 for small banner, RM30 for medium size one and RM50 for a big one.

Balaci: You gila ka? Carry banner also want money.

Demo: Gila also never mind, as long as get money.

Balaci: Okay on one condition.

Demo: What?

Balaci: You bring another 20 people.

Demo: RM20 per head we have a deal.

Balaci: How many can you bring?

Demo: 200

Balaci: 200? Betoi? Who?

Demo: School boys and girls.

Balaci: School boys and girls? Okay, tell them RM20 only and we split the difference.

Demo: Haaaa, ini baru NEP.

Diary

Damn shit, what is this I hear that Madet is taking that ABIM boy into UMNO? Doesn't he know that that boy is bad news for UMNO? Anyway, if he gets into UMNO where does that put me? I mean I can't talk like that boy, he'll overshadow me for sure. Where does that put me in Penang? Very soon he'll take over me in Penang and once that happens there is just no way for me to mount an attack on him. Shit this is no good.

Shit Madet did it again. Now he is giving that ABIM boy an unobstructed passage as head of UMNO youth. He'll sit with the bosses and I the more senior would still be sitting far from them. Shit this is no good. I don't think I can last long as Penang head. Very soon it is going to be Anwar. Then the press would be going Anwar this and Anwar that, what about Abdullah? Who is going to care about Abdullah? Fate? Aaah, shit fate.

What is this? I hear Ku Li wants to challenge Madet? Could this be the answer to my daily prayers. Now, lets look at the present scenario. Yes, Madet is all powerful but Ku Li is not without support. As someone very senior with his stints in Trade and Finance, he must have his people who would back him up all the way. I hear he has been going round buying up division chiefs. With Musa's backing and Rais and Radzi I think he is strong enough. I hear even Najib is contemplating of joining him. Who has Madet got? The press and AIDS. That's all. The others? Aah, they are mosquitoes, too small. Okay I'll flip a coin, heads I join Ku Li, tails I ditch Madet, hehehehe.

Damn that Najib. He is a real lalang. The damn bastard played us out at the last minute. Shit, have I burnt my bridges? No I don't think so. Luckily I am not a fiery orator like Anwar otherwise I would be the first one Madet will go for. Anyway, I did not talk much and Madet couldn't possibly ditch us all. He'll have to keep some otherwise who has he got? What do I do? Do I stay or join Ku Li's 46? I think I'll stay. Who knows, my luck would change with UMNO Baru? Anyway, Anwar is getting too powerful and knowing Madet, I don't think he digs that.

Ha, serve you right Anwar. Blue eyed boy eh? Now see what happens to you? You dare try to side-step Dollah? Ha, ha, ha. I don't think Anwar is going to keep quiet and that would make Madet to go for the kill and I will lay quietly in waiting. Anwar's man would definitely get it too. Even if they were to side Madet, they would still be looked upon suspiciously and since I have distanced myself from Anwar who knows I would get the nod? Hey Anwar, why don't you rot in prison? ha, ha, ha, ha.

Good, the Reformasi has done a lot of damage and whether the old man likes it or not he will have to take the blame. Many are silently calling for him to step down but the division created by Anwar can't see UMNO having another leadership crisis. He must go and it must be seen to be a retirement, not a booting out. Sheesh, that old man is really slimy. Imagine crying on TV in front of millions and that drama queen Rafidah putting up an award winning performance. Now got to stop the spanner from hitting the wheels. We'll give him a little bit more time before going for the kill but first must take care of Najib. Razak did get Madet back into UMNO and Madet is grateful for that. Let's hope that he doesn't treat this as his father's country and name Najib as his successor. Must get SIL to do something about it.

Aaaaaah, at last. At last I am King. Oooh it feels so good. What is that song by Louis Amstrong? "I feel good". I better stop singing. Even my own ears hurts. Must get SIL to chart my progress and future. He is defintely a brilliant boy. He, is an Oxford product man. He even passed economics in Oxford, something I couldn't do in UM.

Boy, I am lucky having SIL with me. All my job is taken care of for me and I still have time for golf and naps whenever I choose to. The best part is that no one can do anything about it because SIL will see to it that they keep their mouth shut. Glad to see that Kamal's business is doing good. That Patrick fellow is a real good influence. I thought Kamal knows nothing about economics but I guess I am wrong.

What is this I hear? Mahathir making noise about my governance? Why? Just because I scrapped his Scenic bridge and got my people into important places, he must go smear my name in public? I'll get him if that is the last thing I do. Luckily I released Anwar; that gives Madet another enemy. Must get the MSM to do something about this and must get them to do some public relations work to make me look good.

Shit these bloggers. They are trying to derail my plans. I know it's Madet's man doing all these but others are following. Even those who hates him are joining in the bandwagon. They do not know that this is Madet's agenda and it's working and my men are not doing any good by taking them on. It only make my men look stupid. Why must I have men like Zam and Adnan? Why is everyone conspiring against me? Even oil traders are conspiring against me. The price of crude is too high. If I raise the price of petrol I am dead If I don't where do I find the dough to feed those hungry cronies?

Aaah, unkept promises, rising cost of living, demonstrations, SPR, HINDRAF, Mahathir, Anwar, bloggers. Lingam, risng crime, and that idiot SIL. I can't take it, I can't take it. I don't care, I'll call for an election before Anwar is eligible. Elections it is. When, when? Ah shit 8 March.

Oh, I am having a headache. Wow, its like a ten ton lorry ramming into my head. What happened, what happened? 5 states? I don;t believe it. Damn those 4th floor boys, they make me think its safe. Damn them, damn all. Whats this. Raja picked Md Isa Sabu? Shit I gave Shahidan the appointment letter so why must the Raja go against me? Come to think of it, I did want to drop Shahidan so I'll just keep quiet and let it take its course. People won't say I derhaka. Anyway this is an isolated case. Good riddance Shahidan. What Agong don't want Idris? Hey, what is this? Don't they know I am The PM. Hey, show me some respect you guys. Is this the way to treat the Prime Minister? Mukhriz, Shahidan, Ku Li and now Terengganu? What's going on man and where is that piece of shit SIL when I needed him most? No, I will fight the Agong, derhaka or not.

What happened? Terengganu fell? What? Malaysia fell?

Bukan Susah Nak Settle

Pemberita: Datuk Seri, sebagai seorang yang sekarang di luar kerajaan, apa pandangan DS tentang krisis di Terengganu?

Samy: Apa you cakap? Luar kerajaan? Apa itu? Saya lagi MIC punya presiden. MIC masih lagi dalam BN. BN adalah kerajaan Malaysia so saya masih lagi dalam kerajaan jugak.

Pemberita: Maaf, sebagai seorang luar dari Kabinet.

Samy: Ha, itu macam baru butol. Saya luar Kabinet jugak tapi masih dalam kerajaan. Apa itu soalan?

Pemberita: Krisis Terengganu?

Samy: Oh, itu Terengganu punya krisis ka? Tadak baik la ini macam, manyak tadak baik.

Pemberita: Apa yang tak baiknya DS?

Samy: Ya, la, apa pasai dia orang pigi picah itu kuil sumua? Itu orang Hindu mau sembahyang punya tempat. MIC akan lawan ini macam punya perbuatan. Besok jugak kita akan hantar 5 bas pigi Kuantan tunjuk perasaan. Kita mau tunjuk sama itu HINDRAF punya orang kita ada manyak sayang sama orang2 India.

Pemberita: Eh, eh, mana ada kes pecah kuil di Terengganu? Yang ada krisis perlembagaan? Dan nak pergi Kuantan buat apa? Kuantan di Pahang.

Samy: Tadak picah kuil ka sana? Aiseman, saya ingat ada picah kuil. Oh, sekarang itu Kuantan ada dekat Pahang sana ka? Bukan Terengganu ka? Tengok ini Subramniam, dia cakap sama saya sekarang Kuantan ada di Terengganu.

Pemberita: Apa komen DS?

Samy: Komen apa? Apa itu soalan?

Pemberita: Apa pendapat DS tentang krisis di Terengganu?

Samy: Sumua orang ada salah jugak. Apa pasai diaorang sudah tau itu tempat selalu jugak banyak hujan. Apa pasai sampai sekarang tak buleh selesai itu perkara. Tengok sekarang sudah besar punya banjir, sumua orang sudah susah. Dulu saya menteri JKR punya jam saya sudah kasi cadangan tapi sumua tamau dengar jugak. Sumua cakap dia orang tau apa mau buat. Sekarang tengok apa sudah jadi? Sama Samy jugak dia orang mari cari. You kerja sama kerajaan Terengganu ka? Cakap sama Wan Mokhtar nanti ini petang saya mari.

Pemberita: Eh, bukan. Saya tak bekerja untuk kerajaan Terengganu, saya pemberita untuk 'Ularan Malaysia'. Mana ada banjir di Terengganu. Semuanya okay saja sana. Dan buat apa saya nak jumpa Wan Mokhtar? Dia dah lama tak jadi Menteri Besar?

Samy: Wan Mokhtar sudah berehenti ka? Bila? Apa pasai sapa pun tadak cakap sama saya. I say, dia saya punya baik punya kawan la. Kalau tadak banjir apa pasai mari jumpa saya? Apa krisis sekarang ada di Terengganu?

Pemberita: DS tak tau ke? Terengganu masih belum ada Kerajaan negeri yang sah. Belum ada MB, belum angkat sumpah?

Samy: Aiyo itu macam ka? Apa pasai diaorang banyak slow. Apa pasai jadi itu macam.
Pemberita: BN telah menamakan Idris Jusoh sebagai MB tapi Istana tak perkenan. Istana menamakan Md Said. BN ancam nak pecat Md Said kalau dia angkat sumpah.

Samy: Itu macam terok ka? Apa pasai BN tamau ikut itu Istana punya cadangan? Dua-dua BN jugak kan?

Pemberita: Ya la, sebab itu lah saya tanya DS sebagai orang yang banyak pengalaman dalam kerajaan.

Samy: Butol, butol, saya sudah manyak tahun ada dalam kerajaan, sekarang pun dalam kerajaan tapi bukan dalam kabinet. Haa... apa tadi saya cakap? Sudah lupa la.
Pemberita: Itu Terengganu punya krisis.

Samy: Oh ya, sebagai seorang yang sudah lama dalam kerajaan, saya rasa, ini perkara boleh di selesaikan dengan senang saja.

Pemberita: Macam mana tu DS?

Samy: Itu BN terima saja itu Md Said jadi MB, tapi sumua itu kuputusan dalam negeri punya hal, kasi Idris Jusoh buat. Itu Md Said kira macam exco saja. Itu perbezaan dalam gaji, Md Said misti transfer dalam Idris punya account. Sumua selesai.

Pemberita: Habis kalau Idris yang buat semua kerja, Md Said nak buat apa?
Samy: Dia buleh jadi despatch, buleh tengok itu kebun ada baik ka, dia bole buat macam-macam kerja tapi jangan kacau sama itu Idris. Tengok simple saja. Apa pasai diorang tamau jumpa saya tanya?

Pemberita: Tapi BN masih mahu Idris jadi MB dan telah mengarahkan semua Adun BN jangan hadir angkat sumpah.

Samy: Haiyo, itu menderhaka la. Mana boleh lawan sama Sultan? Apa orang Melayu tatau ka tak bole lawan sama Sultan. Itu Sultan nanti manyak muruka? Itu rakyat pun tadak suka itu macam. Chit bodoh punya orang. Okay saya sekarang mau jumpa sama itu Subramaniam. Saya mau tanya sama dia mana itu Kuantan. Cilaka punya orang. Kalau diaorang lagi ada problem, bila-bila masa pun boleh tanya sama saya tapi paper punya dalam misti taroh busar-busar saya punya nama la.

Pemberita: Oh, ya, satu lagi soalan, sekarang DS bukan lagi Menteri, apakah pekerjaan DS?

Samy: Saya jual itu second hand punya steam roll, tractor, bulldozer, cangkul apa saja JKR punya barang saya ada. here's my card.

Awat Hang Biadab Sangat?

Mak: Deris, Deris, berhenti main video game tu nak. Cepat pi siap. Sat lagi bas sekolah nak sampai. Cepat siap. Ni mak buat nasi dagang kat hang.

Deris: Awat la mak ni suka kacau chek? chek tengah dok best main mak kacau. Ha, tengok, baru tadi chek dah nak pancong dah kepala raja tu, mak bagi chek terkejut. Kacau la mak ni.

Mak: Awat la hang Deris, awat tak dengaq cakap ni. Nanti mak pulaih telinga hang jadi telinga besaq macam Dol tu baru hang tau. Berhenti main, cepat pi siap.

Deris: Chek dah pakat ramai-ramai dengan kawan tak mau pi sekolah hari ni la. 9 orang saja yang kata depa nak pi. Gang kami tak mau pi.

Mak: Ni semenjak bila pulak yang hang ada gang ni? Sapa kata hang buleh ponteng sekolah? Bapak hang tau kalau Deris, mampoih hang dia sebat.

Deris: Ala, mak ni, duduk diam sat buleh tak. Chek kata chek tak mau pi, chek tak mau pi la. Tak paham ka?

Mak: Hang pandai dok menjawab dengan aku Deris? Apa nak jadi dengan hang ni? Hang nak jadi orang tak guna? Hang mau orang meluat kat hang?

Deris: Ala, mak ni. Mak tak tau apa jadi. Kalau mak tau, mak tentu tak bagi chek pi sekolah.

Mak: Awat nak? Apa yang dah jadi? Awat, cikgu hang nak pukoi hang ka? Hang buat salah apa?

Deris: Tu la mak. Tak tau apa-apa nak marah chek. Hari ni, cikgu nak lantik ketua kelas. Chek dengan gang chek tak mau pi. Kami nak pulau kelas tu.

Mak: Pasai apa pulak hampa nak buat macam tu. Tak baik la Deris.

Deris: Awat pulak tak baik? Cuba mak pikiaq. Dalam kelas chek ada 32 orang. 22 orang sokong chek jadi ketua. 8 orang dok diam saja, depa tak kata apa. Lagi sorang tu melebih-lebih dok pi hemoi kat cikgu. Cikgu tolak cadangan kawan-kawan chek. Dia pilih yang lagi sorang tu. Mana achi macam ni mak? Depa pilih chek tapi cikgu pilih orang lain. Tahun lepas chek yang jadi ketua kelas. Tahun ni tak jadi, mana chek nak letak muka? Kawan Chek Idan tu kat sekolah lain. Dia pun macam tu jugak. Dia lawan mak. Kalau chek tak lawan malu la chek mak. Kalau chek tak jadi ketua kelas habis la chek, mak.

Mak: Habis apa pulak Deris?

Deris: Duit kelas tahun lepaih chek belanja kawan pi makan KFC. Lepaih tu chek beli baju dengan kasut. Belen tinggai sikit saja. Chek kata chek simpan dalam bank. Kalau orang lain jadi, habih tekeluaq la rahsia chek mak.

Mak: La, mana hang belajaq pi songlap duit kelas ni Deris? Mak tak ajaq hang buat macam tu. Hang tak tau ka dosa kalau songlap duit ni?

Deris: Ala sudah la mak. Chek tak mau pi, chek tak mau pi la. Biaq padan muka cikgu tu. Tinggai 9 orang saja dalam kelas. Kalau cikgu pilih jugak ketua kelas baru, kami semua nak berhenti sekolah. Padan muka depa.

Mak: Apa pulak padan muka depa? Padan muka hang la takdak sekolah. Baru la jadi Iblih.

Deris: Aah, chek tak peduli. Chek nak ajaq cikgu tu sikit. Berani dia nak buat lagu ni kat chek?

Mak: Astaghafirullah budak ni. mengucap Deris, mengucap. Tu orang kata derhaka kat cikgu Deris. Biadap tu. Tak baik Deris.

Deris: Alah, chek peduli apa? Kawan-kawan chek di kolompo tu semua sokong chek.

Mak: Ha la depa sokong hang. Depa di kolompo. Hang dudok sini. Orang sini bukan suka orang perangai macam ni Deris. Masyarakat sini semua hormat kat cikgu, Deris. Depa nanti meluat kat hang. Nanti depa kata hang korang ajaq pulak.

Deris: Aaah, hormat kat cikgu buat apa? Bukan dapat untung apa? Baik hormat kat kawan, tak kira la kawan tu bangsa apa? Asaikan dia buleh bagi kita senang cukup la?

Mak: Ni Deris, mak heran la. Hang kan pernah jadi Ketua kelas? Pasai apa pulak cikgu hang tak mau bagi hang jadi kali ni? Dia tau kot hang dok songlap duit kelas? Aku ada la dengaq orang cerita yang hang di sekolah jadi kepala samseng? Depa kata hang pi pecah kerusi orang, hang koyak buku agama orang, betoi ka Deris?

Deris: Kawan chek suka tempat duduk sorang budak tu. Tempat dia best, tepi tingkap buleh nampak luaq. Chek suruh la si samdol ni ubah tempat, dia tak mau ubah jadi chek pecah la kerusi dia, biaq padan muka dia.

Mak: Oi samsengnya anak aku lani? Tak padan dengan misai jarang-jarang dah jadi samseng pulak. Jangan la macam tu nak oi, pi la sekolah. Pi mintak maaf kat cikgu, jadi budak baik.

Deris: Fuyoo, jadi budak baik. Sorry la mak. Sudah la mak. Kawan chek si Atrik dengan Kerry nak mai. kami nak pi naik sampan. Kami nak race pakai layaq.

Awat Sampai Macam Tu?

Aku dok ikut tentang krisis di Terengganu yang tidak digembar-gemburkan oleh Media Arus Perdana. Aku tau la macam mana frust depa bila pilihan depa tak di restui. Depa sebulat suara setuju yang sorang manusia tu dilantik jadi MB depa, tiba-tiba DYMM Tuanku tak perkenan. Terkejut berok depa pasai selama ni apa saja depa kata dan mintak mesti dituruti. Depa punya la bengong dan keliru sampai tak tau nak buat apa. Bagi depa tentu depa kata lebih korang macam ni la. "Mana buleh, kami dah pilih, ini suara ramai, pasai apa Tuanku nak tukaq"? Macam tu la kot depa kata.

Bila tengok senario di ataih teringat pulak aku kat satu lagi senario yang seakan-akan sama tapi tak serupa. Bila beribu-ribu rakyat turun pi pangkah satu calon dan sah-sah calon tu menang tiba-tiba ada pulak dibawak hantu untuk ubah keputusan pilihan orang ramai. Ni pun tak adil jugak. Apa rasa orang ramai yang sah-sah tau depa menang tapi suara ramai depa ditukaq? Tentu depa rasa keciwa kan?

Teringat pulak aku kat satu kejadian di Perak. Si Lim Kit Siang tu dah buat turr. Dia suruh Adun2 DAP jangan hadir upacara angkat sumpah. Macam nak meletup depa ni teriak. Depa kata biadap lah, derhaka lah, tak hormat raja la dan macam-macam lagi. Bukan calang-calang orang yang kata ni, Pak Menteri Pak Menteri dengan Mak Menteri Mak menteri pun buat kecoh. Depa maki punya la berapi-api. Dengaq perkataan perkataan depa saja baju buleh terbakaq, punya la berapi. Depa macam nak terkam kat Kit Siang dan cincang dia lumat-lumat pasai hina Sultan. Media pun apa lagi, dia tambah lagi 70 peratus la. Apa yang orang kata kalau bunyi tak berapa ooomph depa ooomphkan.

Tuhan punya kuasa kan, Dia buat cerita yang sama di Perlis tapi kali ni yang tak buleh terima keputusan Raja, orang depa. Orang tu pun mengamok tak terhingga. Bergegaq negeri Perlis sampai pelangan-pelangan di rumah pelacuran di Padang Besaq lari bertempiaran. Askar-askar Siam semua lari mai kat sempadan pasai terkejut. Depa takut kot-kot Malaysia lepaih senjata rahsia. Menangih huui huui orang tu tak terima keputusan Raja. Secara terus terang dia kata perintah Raja tu salah dan dia akan boikot upacara angkat sumpah. Alahai suara Pak Menteri Pak Menteri yang sebelum ni macam Arnold Swazenegger mengamok tiba-tiba berubah jadi macam pondan Siam. Mak Mak Menteri pulak macam tertelan teloq tersangkut di rengkong. Suara depa tak kedengaran langsung. Media pulak macam nak jimat dakwat, tak dak cerita nak siar. Kalau siar pun macam bapak tegoq anak manja dia kan. Lebih korang macam ni la bunyi dia tegoran depa. "Hai, awat hang buat macam tu Idan, tak baik la, tapi takpa la, rakyat paham dan maafkan hang. Lain kali jangan buat lagi tau". Macam tu la bunyinya.

Jom kita pi balik kat Terengganu. Kali ni bukan sekoq dua yang terang-terang ingkar perintah DYMM Tuanku, semua wakil depa seramai 23 ekoq naik syeh satu macam. Depa bukan saja kata nak boikot upacara angkat sumpah, ada jugak di antara depa yang berani kata dia nak letak jawatan kalau kehendak ramai tak diikut. Yang ni kalau orang Penang cakap laju-laju dia bunyi macam ni KUWAJAQ. Dalam bahasa standad nya Kurang Ajaq. Yang ni bukan saja biadap tapi kurang ajaq. Depa tentang DYMM Tuanku macam depa sama taraf dengan Tuanku. Nasib depa baik la Laksamana Hang Tuah dah tak dak kalau tidak lumat la depa.

Aku bukan nak kata kekeciwaan depa tu salah tapi depa kena ingat depa orang Melayu. Kita orang Melayu ada adat. Bila nak cakap dengan Sultan mesti lah ada adat. Bahasa mesti betoi. Pi belajaq kat Media macam mana nak ubah bahasa macam bahasa depa guna dalam kes Perlis. Kata la, kami junjung kasih Tuanku supaya Tuanku dapat perkenankan suatu perjumpaan dengan kami untuk membincangkan sesuatu yang sangat mustahak. Kalau dah buat macam tu dan Tuanku masih tak perkenankan jangan la biadap buat kenyataan. Kalau nak boikot jugak, yang tu hak depa la tapi sebab ini ada kena mengena dengan DYMM Tuanku buat la secara senyap. Doktor kan banyak di Terengganu? Pi la ambik mc. Hantaq la mc tu dan mintak maaf. Lepaih tu kalu nak letak jawatan, letak la, sapa pun tak rindu kat depa aih.

Satu saja yang jadi kemusykilan aku ialah pasai apa DYMM Tuanku tak bekenan sangat kat pilihan depa tu? Kalau la dalam kelas, ada satu mangkok dan dia dicadangkan oleh mangkok-mangkok lain untuk jadi ketua kelas tentu guru kelas akan guna kuasa dia supaya mangkok tu tak dipilih sebab dia takot kelas dia jadi huru-hara. Rasa-rasanya macam tu la kot dengan orang yang DYMM Tuanku tak bekenan tu. Takkan Tuanku saja-saja syok tak mau bagi dia jadi MB? Apa depa tak perasan ka saja-saja buat tak perasan. Mesti DYMM Tuanku ada sebab yang munasabah. Depa saja yang ada sebab munasarawak.

Change Your Lifestyle

Necessity is the mother of invention, such a wise saying, but then what then sparks of innovation? I do not know what is the official saying for it but as far as what I am going to write is concerned, then, desperation surely is the mother of innovation. The Japanese is known for their innovative ideas. I guess it must be for their desperation in making money.

The innovations that I am going to write about is not actually about innovations to make money but rather to save money. The price of crude has shot to alarmingly high levels since we were last advised by the DPM to change our living style. Actually he was talking about innovation there. When the price of crude was at about US60 to US70 the government announced a big increase in the retail price of petrol and I wonder what would the price be like now that it is above US100.

We were spared a further increase in the price of petrol by the amount of noise we made when the price increased drastically and also because of the impending elections. Now that the elections are over and the BN is still the government of the day and going by their own admission that it is difficult to administer a country with the current price of petrol at the current price of crude then, it is only fair for us to expect an increase in the price of petrol ,which would automatically fuel an increase of the price of all essentials. The last increase did just that, and funny though, through some magic, they have managed to keep inflation low, so they said.. The United Nation should send their people here to learn how we kept inflation down despite huge increases in the price of essentials and services.

If, however, they do not increase the price of petrol, does that mean they have suddenly found a magic formula? I wonder. Anyway back to innovations. Since when we made a lot of hue and cry over the last increase, we were told politely to 'change our living style', I wonder if the impending increase, which would be met by another round of protest by the people, would be followed by a scolding to 'change our lifestyle'?

Being the good concerned citizen that I am, after much banging of the head against the wall and numerous visits to the clinic to smooth out the dents and not to mention fending off threats to commit me to an institution for the not so sound of mind, I think I can help fellow Malaysians with some innovations of my own on how to 'change your lifestyle. No, I haven't tried any of these innovations yet.

Innovation 1
This innovation is inspired by none other then the former Menteri Besar of Perlis. It was reported by one of the MSM that in 13 years as Menteri Besar he did not use a single sen of his salary and allowances which now amounts to quite a few million, no make it more than just a few million, which he graciously donates for the building of mosques. I wonder what he and his family eats? Then it struck me that since he was MB he must have been invited to many lunches, high teas and dinners, not to mention kenduris. That's it. Innovation number one is to attend every kenduri you are invited to and every kenduri you come across while walking (remember walking, you can't be driving because fuel would cost an arm and a leg per litter) along to do whatever you have to do. Since Malaysians insert money in envelopes when they go to kenduris then just put in RM1 and make sure you eat enough to last you the day because you can't be sure of coming across another kenduri on the same day. If you see that there is more than enough food ask the host if he can tapow for you some.

Innovation 2
Drink lots and lots and lots of water. Remember water is good for you and lots of water will do lots of good for you and your pocket. Try to make water as your staple diet. Look at water as food.

Innovation 3
Always carry a large water container when going to work and remember to fill up the container on your way home. Since you seldom cook there will be not much need for washing of plates so use the water for your baths. Two cup full per bath is enough and bathe only once a week. Do you toilet runs at work so you don't have to waste precious water at home.

Innovation 4
Disconnect your electricity supply and use 'surat khabar lama' or dried wood for lighting. Psyche yourself into believing that TV is evil so you don't need to watch tv programmes and without electricity you wouldn't be able to watch them anyway. If your neighbour can afford electricity and has a TV feel free to visit them on days there are programmes that you like. While in their house make yourself at home and raid their fridge as often as you can. Do it as much as you can because you wouldn't know when the movers would come to take your neighbours to their new home. When this happens be quick to make friends with your new neighbours.

Innovation 5
Visit Old Folks Homes and Orphanages as often as you can to see if there are leftover donated used clothings which the folks there do not want. Tell them that you know of other welfare homes that are willing to take up these unused donated rags. Use all that you can and sell those that you can't to car wash operators.

Innovation 6
Try to get sick as often as you can because there would surely be food at the hospital and they have TVs and fans too. Ask your neighbour in the ward if he wants the food that the hospital gives. If you are lucky, he doesn't want it and you could give the food to your wife and children when they visit you.

I have run out of innovations but I am sure my friends would come out with some but remember our DPM told us to change our lifestyle only, he never at any point in time asked us to break the law to live otherwise innovation 7 would be to commit a serious crime and go to Kajang or Sungai Buloh or anywhere near for a few years. He never asked us to rob or steal or take dishonest commissions to live. Remember that. He is our leader and we must do what he asks us to do.

Why He Lost

Some lost, some lost grounds; lets hear what one has got to say to this.

 

Reporter: Mr. Samy sir, can you tell us why you lost?

Samy: Waa, you call me sir ah. I like you, you are a good journalist. What was your question again?

Reporter: Why did you lose sir?

Samy: Why I lost ka? Er, er, because that Jeya won la.

Reporter: That I know sir but then why did he win?

Samy: Why he won ka? Er, because I lost la.

Reporter: Yes sir, but the question is why?

Samy: Because he got more votes than me la.

Reporter: And why is that he got more votes than you?

Samy: That one also you want to ask ka? Because I got less votes than him lar? Aiyo why ask this questions all.

Reporter: Alright sir, I'll put it in another way. Has your defeat got anything to do with the people rejecting you?

Samy: I lost because people reject me ka? Hmm let me see. Okay like this. You see these 2 pens. Both are the same okay? Okay now I reject one. There I throw it away, one already rejected, right or not?

Reporter: Okay, you've thrown one away because it is rejected.

Samy: Okay now how many pens do I have?

Reporter: One.

Samy: One right, because the other one is rejected right?

Reporter: Yes,

Samy: You see Jeya there talking to the press as if he is king only. Only one time win talk so big. You see him there right?

Reporter: Yes, I see him.

Samy: You see me here right, right here talking to you now?

Reporter: Yes, I see you very clearly.

Samy: You see me very clearly right, and you see Jeya there right, so how many people you see?

Reporter: Two.

Samy: Just now the pen you see only one because the other one is rejected, now you see two people meaning I am not rejected lar. I am still here, if I am rejected it means I am no more here, you see, you see? Yes, I lost, but because I am still here, it means I am not rejected lar. It means I got less votes than him, that's all.

Reporter: Er, er, Datuk Seri, I mean now that you have lost …..

Samy: Hold on ah, hold on got phone call. Yes, Pak Lah, what come and see you ah? Hold on ah Pak Lah. Young lady, the PM is on the line so maybe next time okay?

Reporter: But Datuk Seri er, ……..

Samy: Dei Gopal, go and get the car la, and pick that pen on your way, that one Parker pen you know.

Good Afternoon Sir

T. Adan: Good afternoon DS, glad you are finally awake.

DS: Aaah, yes, I really had a good sleep. I needed the sleep you know, what with the campaigning and all.

T. Adnan: Yes, you look real fresh DS. We have a lot of work to do DS.

DS: Why anything wrong with the tourism industry?

T. Adnan: Not when I left it. Everything was in order.

DS: You left the Tourism Ministry? When? How come I don't know about this?

T. Adnan: You left me out of the Cabinet, don't you remember? The Ministry is now with Azalina?

DS: You mean the new Cabinet has been announced? Who did it? Najib? I am sure it must be that scoundrel, trying to usurp power. Wait till I get him, the nerve of that fellow.

T. Adnan: No, DS, you did, 2 days ago.

DS: I did it? 2 days ago? What day is it now?

T. Adnan: It's Thursday, 20 March. It's Maulud today DS and you missed the procession.

DS: 20 March? You mean the elections are over? What happened? Did we take Kelantan with a big majority? We retain Terengganu? You said I announced the new Cabinet, did I make KJ the Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Finance? Pity him you know, he is such a good and clever boy but is misunderstood. Did the sabotage on Mukhriz work? Did he lose his deposit? Oh, there so many questions to ask.

T. Adnan: We retained Terengganu DS. Two thirds majority. We lost only 8 seats there.

DS: And, and ….

T. Adnan: We lost Kelantan, KJ is not in the Cabinet and Mukhriz won with a 2 thousand plus majority.

DS: Wo, wo, slow down, slow down. KJ not in Cabinet? Did he win?

T. Adnan: He won but you dropped him.

DS: Now why did I do that? I promised him those posts and, and why am I talking to you? Where is Radzi?

T. Adnan: Radzi resigned and you chose me to take over?

DS: Resigned? Why?

T. Adnan: You didn't make him minister, remember?

DS: I didn't make him minister? Why did I do that? Wo, wo, wo, wait a minute, wait a minute. This doesn't look good. Give me the details and be gentle with me please.

T. Adnan: We did not get the 2/3, we only won 140 seats. We lost 5 states.

DS: What 5 states? You sure today is not 1 April? Come on, 5 states?

T. Adnan: Yes DS 5 states: Kelantan, Penang, Kedah, Selangor and Perak.

DS: Slow, down, can you get my milk and nestum please, this is just too much.

T. Adnan: Here DS. Shall I go on?

DS: Hm.

T. Adnan: Many big wigs lost including Samy and Sharizat.

DS: Samy lost too? Well at least one good news there.

T. Adnan: Mukhriz has called for your resignation, you dropped Rafidah from the cabinet and she is pissed like mad, you did not pick KJ to avoid an open rebellion, 2 of the deputy ministers you picked has rejected the offer, Shahidan was not accepted by the Sultan of Perlis and Md Isa Sabu is now the MB there, Terengganu is still without an MB because the Agong just can't stand Idris' sparse moustache, Toyo resigned as UMNO chief of Selangor and let me sum all these as you are in big shit.

DS: We still won didn't we? So I am still in power. As long as I am in power I can still do something.

T.Adnan: It looks like you won't be in power for long, Razaleigh has offered himself for the presidency and Anwar it seems has got the required number of defections to form the next government.

DS: KJ, where is KJ? Get him for me please. I need his advice.

T. Adnan: Do you still want his advice, it's he who got you into this shit in the first place.

DS: How dare you, how dare you say such thing about my SIL. You're sacked, get out.

T.Adnan: Thank god, my nightmare is over.

DS: Hello Shahidan, would you like to be Secretary General? What, up mine? Well up yours too. Sayang! sayang!

Jeanne: Yes, abang?

DS: Would you like to be Secretary General.

Doomsday

You know doomsday is near when you see these leaders wearing these t-shirts.

Samy Velu: Toll Sucks.

Rafidah: APs are for cronies.

Zam: We want balanced news. See, I didn't stammer.

Lim Keng Yaik: BN, I spit on you.

Shahidan: Two Terms Only

Chua Soi Lek: Celibacy Rules

Mahathir: Anwar IS Da Man

KJ: Bloggers are saviours.

Toyo: Ban Botox

Nik Aziz: UMNO Forever

Kit Siang: Say Yes To HUDUD

Rahim Tamby Chik: Leave the kid alone.

Augustine Paul : Relevant

Rashid: No Hantu Please.

Nazri: One Man One Permit

Kayveas: Long Live Samy

Anwar: Mahathir Renaissance Man

Pak Lah: Nik Aziz Fan Club.

Care to add some of your own?

Lets Take A Break

Lets take a breather and time to unwind. This is one of my Led Zed favourites together with Whole Lotta Love and Stairway To Heaven.
It's called Black Dog. It's just an old fashion rock song for half centenarians like me.
Just listen and let go.

Cocky Ass

Although the Drug Rehabilitation Programme's success in Malaysia is open to debate, the government has decided to initiate another programme to give hardcore addicts a new lease of life. This new programme would be fashioned along the lines of the Pusat Serenti Programme. Programme participants would be called inmates and they would lead a regimented lifestyle for 2 years.

An official of the Home Ministry said that the government realised that the results of the March 2008 General Elections saw an urgent need for such a programme. The inmates in this programme are not drug addicts but rather defeated politicians especially from the ruling party and their supporters. It is reported that a high number of people are reported to be lurking around party headquarters in lounge suits handing out cash and batik sarongs to passers by and smiling.

When apprehended by the police these people rattled out nonsensical gibberish. The one thing in common amongst all of them is that all of them would utter the word 'Datuk' in their gibberish. They would then demand to see the Prime Minister.

A spokesman for the Health Ministry said that the government find this strange phenomenon very disturbing and are afraid for the safety of the people in general. A prominent psychiatrist said that these people could turn violent and hold demonstrations as demonstrated by the recent event in Penang.

Professor John Smith, head of the Election Psychology Department of Harvard University said this phenomenon is called Post-election-very-cocky-before-elections-and-traumatised –after-reality-sinks syndrome or Cocky Ass. This is a very rare disease. It only happens in countries where a ruling party that has been ruling for about 50 years suddenly suffers humiliating defeats. The expert also said that the outbreak of Cock Ass would be followed by an exceptionally high number of Mercedes and BMWs being put up for sale or repossessed by banks and finance institutions.

On a related development, MAS has reported a sharp drop in bookings for flights to Europe especially Paris and London. Cancellations of flight tickets to both these destinations are also reported to be unusually high.

As a stop gap measure, these chronic sufferers would be housed at the PWTC where reruns of previous General Assemblies would be aired continuously. Each of them would be given a plastic keris, to play with as temporary therapy.

Unconfirmed News

I would like to pick up from where Shah of Cakapaje 'Talk Only' left on Unconfirmed News and the dangers in believing in them. Believe at your own risk.

This news just in a while ago.

1. Manchester United confirmed that they have paid 50 million pounds for Malaysian striker extraodinaire B Dollah. The striker who was reported to have scored 12 hattricks in one season including a triple hattrick in the game against Liverpool in a testimonial match in Moscow would be representing United in the World Club Cup final against KL Plus a team from Malaysia.

2. Insiders in Hollywood leaked that the next instalment of Terminator is being shot in secret in the North Pole. The fourth instalment, however, would have a new action hero in the debutant Sam Valueless. He is reportedly paid US70 million to replace Arnold Swarzenegger in the biggest Hollywood production ever. Mr. Valueless however refused to entertain any questions, opting to direct journalist to his agent Mr. Tripplecorrect Lingam.

3. Hong Kong movie megastar Chow Yuen Fatt has teamed up with Malaysian stud Sylvester Chua in the remake of Lady Godiva Rides. Also appearing is Angie Yam. Making a cameo appearance is Bill Clinton who's only line in the movie is "I did not have sex with the woman".

4. Rap superstar 50 cents would be collaborating with newcomer MC K V Yas in his upcoming Album entitled 'Defeated'. K V Yas would sing solo in the 3^rd track 'Lost in Rainy Town' composed by new songwriting sensation K Jailma Uddeen a Bollywood stand up comic who switched to song writing after a brief but unsuccessful foreplay with politics.

5. Retired Malaysian Officer Mr. Rush It has won the Nobel Peace Prize for his contributions to democracy and justice.

6. China has secured the services of world reknown port facilities guru Mr. Klang Chan to act as consultant in their ambitious multibillion dollar Port cum business cum tourism project , the second such project in the world. Phase one of the project that is the acquisition of thousands of acres of cooperative land is completed.

7. Malaysia finally bagged their first Olympics gold medal ever. The won the newly introduced event of tear gas volley. They created a record of sort with 50 hits in 50 shots. All the targets, poor demonstrators, were reported to be hit precisely in the hit. The Malaysian team are also favourites in the water cannon event when they qualified for the finals this morning. They did it with style flooring 500 demonstrators with a single hit of the hose. However, the Malaysian team maybe forfeited when the Pakistani team complained that the Malaysian team laced their water with chemicals which the Malaysian Chef De Mission Mr Braharoom vehemently denied.

 

Botox or Mandrum

BC: Datuk, Datuk, we are dead la Datuk, we are dead la.

MB: I know, I know, I am breathing but I am as good as dead.

BC: How could this happen Datuk? Why did this happen Datuk? We were so strong.

MB: Before you go on I am warning you, if you blame my botoxing my face and lifting that bridge a bit, I swear I'll make Mee Jawa out of you.

BC: But Datuk, that was what all the other other Datuks are saying. They said they don't care if you want to botox your backside, but why do it now?

MB: It's the tempe I tell you; you don't believe me ka?

BC: But they said it's the botox. They swear they will stop botoxing their faces. They said botox brings bad luck. They have warned their wives with divorce if their wives continue to do it.

MB: Idiots, botox has got nothing to do with our defeat la. I tell you, somebody mandrum us already. We shouldn't lose; all indications from SPR said we will win. This one must be mandrum la.

BC: Mandrum ka Datuk? Aiyo that is more dangerous la.

MB: How?

BC: What if they also mandrum the botox to turn into Shelltox? Your face will detox la Datuk? Now what Datuk? That project you gave me how?

MB: Which project? I gave you so many what?

BC: The project to give all state employees free botox injections every 3 months?

MB: That one not yet sign , so cancel la.

BC: Aiyo, I lost so much money there la Datuk. I have already imported 3 containers of Botox. To get the AP I had to bribe so many officers plus the AP queen; now what I want to do; they are expensive you know.

MB: We all not yet sign why you import so fast?

BC: What about that other tender? The one to give a nose bridge lift and facial bleaching to all Kakitangan Cemerlang? I have already rented the shoplots and employed 20 plastic surgeons?

MB: You employed 20 plastic surgeons?

BC: No lar, actually beauty consultants la but if we call them plastic surgeons more oomph la Datuk. But now how?

MB: That one also not yet sign so it's off.

BC: Aiyo, Datuk, I am dizzy la, dizzy.

MB: You think you alone dizzy ka? I am not dizzy ka? You should not be worried about those deals that are not signed yet, you should worry about all the projects that you have completed and have been paid for.

BC: Why Datuk? Why should I worry about them? All paid for already what? You also got your cut already?

MB: All of them are illegal la. The land we took are all robbed from the people. All the deals did not get any approval. The money paid are all meant for other things. The broom factory you set up is built on state land without a permit.

BC: Aiyo, I am more dizzy now. How Datuk? Now how?

MB: I don't know how you intend to do it but I suggest you get a few people and go to the State Secretariat and shred and destroy all the files there. Every single piece of paper must be shredded and take out all the computers.

BC: I can take the computers ka Datuk? I can sell second hand.

MB: Idiot, you only think of making money, even in times like this. Take them just get rid of the hardisks, that's all and one more thing, ask the doctor who did my plastic surgery and botox to destroy all my files and move to Perth. In the meantime, I will make myself scarce for a few days.

* BC = Ball Carrier

Mandrum = Black magic

My Ambition

Mother: Daud! Have you finished your homework yet?

Son: No, mom, a little bit more.

Mother: I see you staring at the ceiling for the last 10 minutes, do you have a problem?

Father: Why son, do you have a problem? Let me help you.

Son: I have finished all the questions except this one.

Father: Why is it hard? Let me see, "When you grow up, what do you want to be"? Hmm interesting question. You used to tell me you wanted to be a teacher, so just write that down.

Son: Things have changed dad. Whatever I am going to be, it must make me rich and powerful so that people will respect me and maybe even girls will like me.

Father: That sounds interesting. So you think being a teacher would not give you that?

Son: I don't think so. My teachers don't drive big fancy cars and not many wear branded clothes. I have heard some of them quarrelling with the canteen man about food sold being expensive. They are cheapskates.

Father: What about being an engineer then? You should get a lot of money.

Son: No, I don't think so. One of my teachers has a husband who is an engineer and he only drives a Honda Accord.

Father: Honda Accord? That's a good car son.

Son: Yeah, it's nice but it's Japanese dad. I want something continental and grand.

Father: Like what?

Son: Like a Mercedes or a BMW or Ferrari or Porshe or even all of them.

Father: Wo, hold your horses there son. Don't you think you should be more realistic? How are you going to afford all of that?

Son: My classmate's father is rich. He lives in a bungalow with a swimming pool and his father has all the cars I mentioned and a few more.

Father: Wow! His father must be rich. Has his father also got an extra wife?

Mother: I heard that. Why any ambitions? Anyway, you should not be talking like that to the boy, it gives him ideas.

Son: No, it's okay mom, we talk about this everyday in school. Yes, his father has two extra wives and also a mistress.

Father: Well I'll be damn. Lucky bugger that fellow is.

Mother: I heard that too. I think you should just leave him to his own devices.

Father: No, just kidding honey. Well what does your classmate's father do?

Son: He is a contractor. They say he builds roads and buildings but my friend says, his father is usually in the office or playing golf or in his other wives' house. He doesn't seem to work much. Some Chinese people would do the work for him. That's what I want to be.

Father: Playing golf?

Son: No, I want to not work and yet have so much money. I want to be a contractor.

Father: In that case, engineering could help you be one?

Son: Yes, I know, but I have to study hard for that. You know I have always been poor at maths and science.

Father: Then how do you plan to be one.

Son: My friend said that his father is a school dropout, he went into politics and voila he's rich.

Father: Do you really think it is that easy?

Son: It is dad. Just be close to some powerful politicians, especially the YBs. Follow them everywhere and do what they ask you to do. You don't have to spend any money dad; everything is paid for by that politician.

Father: What are the things you have to do for the politicians? Carry his bag?

Son: Sometimes, but most of the time you have to tell people that he is good and his rivals are bad. You have to spread lies about his rivals so that people will hate them.

Father: Are you willing to do that?

Son: I'd be rich. That's more important dad. Hmm Dad!

Father: Yes, son?

Son: Why don't you join the politicians so that we could be rich?

Mother: And have another wife? I think I like your father the way he is.

Son: Aw mom, what's wrong with that? I have other friends whose fathers have more than one wife and they are not even politicians. Some of them are even Uztazs.

Mother: Now, you just write 'Teacher' as your answer. Get all your books for tomorrow and run along to bed now. Don't forget to wash your feet before you sleep.

Son: Like this we are never going to be rich and the girls at school are never going to even look at me.

Mother: You just do what I say and no more 'buts'. And where do you think you are going Mr. Khan?

Father: If I am not mistaken, I have a meeting with the YB tonight.

Stupid Oppositions

Sergeant: Sir, our men are ready. I have stationed 300 men at Penang Road in front of Komtar, 300 men each at the side roads and another 500 men at the road behind. We have 500 rounds of tear gas and the water cannons are ready.

Inspector: 1400 men? Why do you want so many men for?

Sergeant: That was what we use to do sir? In KL we stationed much more than this sir?

Inspector: That's KL, sergeant, this is Penang.

Sergeant" I don't understand sir, Penang, KL, what is the difference?

Inspector: A lot of difference sergeant, a lot of difference.

Sergeant: Then what do I do sir?

Inspector: Send back 1350 men, all the tear gas and the water cannons.

Sergeant: That will leave us with 50 men only sir. The men will pee in their pants sir.

Inspector: Just do what I said sergeant if you don't want to be doing desk duties the rest of your life.

Sergeant: Yes, Sir, thank you sir. Corporal Hisham, come here.

Corporal: Yes, Sir.

Sergeant: Send all the tear gas, the water cannons and 1350 men back to their barracks.

Corporal: What? We all want to fight with what? You want us to tickle the demonstrators to death ka?

Sergeant: Orders from the inspector.

Corporal: In KL they say all demonstrators are dangerous; we should take them as our enemies, now in Penang different. Why?

Sergeant: In KL we are fighting the opposition; here we are up against the government.

Corporal: I thought they said it is UMNO people who are demonstrating. Now you are saying DAP, PKR and PAS. Which one?

Sargeant: When did I say DAP, PKR and PAS are demonstrating? I never said that.

Corporal: You said, here we are up against the government; the government here is DAP, PKR and PAS. UMNO is the opposition.

Sargeant: Yes, la ah. Now UMNO opposition in Penang ah. I did not think of that la.

Corporal: I am sure that is the reason they don't want so many of us here, because the demonstrators are their people, but what if they become violent sir? Our men will die la.

Sargeant: You think they care what happens to us ka? Shhh, the inspector is coming. Go now corporal. Sir, just curiosity sir, what if they attacked our men sir? There are just too few of us sir.

Inspector: Don't worry; for the amount of money they are paid, they wouldn't risk their limbs.

Sargeant: The demonstrators are paid?

Old Already La.

There is just too much animosity in the world of politics and their players. Will it end the same way? Hopefully not.

Samy: I say man, Keng Yaik, long time no see, I thought you mati. How are you? It’s always nice to see an old friend la.

Keng Yaik: Samy ah? Ayo Samy, luckily I meet you la. I thought I am going to be lonely here la. How are you ha old friend? Wah! you also here ha?

Samy: Yes, la Keng Yaik. When we all got power, everyone wants to kiss our feet. If ask to kiss backside also they would do it la, but now see what happens? Last time ah, I am like god to them la. Why? I can give out contracts, now, want to supply toilet paper to them also they don’t want to give la.

Keng Yaik: Why? Your children don’t want to accept you anymore ka?

Samy: No, they all ok but they all always busy. Grandchildren all big already, all busy. I alone in the house, no friends. Every time I call old friends, they say the are busy. I cannot la stay at home without friends. Even the gardeners and servants are busy, no time to talk to me. So I decided to come to this home la.

Keng Yaik: Hey, Samy, see, see!

Samy: See what?

Keng Yaik: There, there! Isn’t that Mahathir?

Samy: Where? Ah, yes, Mahathir la. Why is he here? I am sure his children didn’t chase him out.

Keng Yaik: They dare ah chase him out. I think he also like us la, don’t want to kacau the children. Wait, wait. Who is that bringing him that cup of coffee?

Samy: Ha, yes la. Ayo I don’t believe this la. Ah Kit la? Yes, that one Ah Kit.

Keng Yaik: Don’t bluff la Samy, cannot be Ah Kit la. They all big enemies where can sit down together one?

Samy: Come we all go and greet them. It’s Ah Kit la I tell you.

Keng Yaik: Tun! Tun! Tun Mahathir! Is that you?

Mahathir: Aaah Keng Yaik, Samy, come come come. Sit down, sit down. Long time no see. Ah Kit, please take two more chairs. I would have done it myself but I sudah tua la Ah Kit, please?

Ah Kit: No problem one Tun, we all sudah tua, must help each other la. No problem, you sit down, don’t get up. I’ll get the chairs.

Samy: Tun, that’s Ah Kit ka? Itu Kit Siang kan? Ayo, I don’t believe what I am seeing la. He can help you get the chairs some more. What happened Tun? You mandrum sama dia ka?

Mahathir: Chih, where got mandrum all. Sudah tua la Samy, forget about the past la. After all, he is okay what.

Keng Yaik: Wah, I feel like I am going to cry la. Seeing so many old friends here and seeing you and Ah Kit getting on together well.

Ah Kit: Samy, Ah Yaik, have a sit. You all want to drink ka? Coffee?

Keng Yaik: Don’t trouble youself, sit down Ah Kit, I’ll go and get the coffee. Samy, your coffee you want 8 spoons of sugar ka?

Samy: Lu gila ka Keng yaik. Lu mau kasi saya mati ka? Look Tun, Ah Kit? 8 spoons. No la Keng Yaik, you put 2 kilos of sugar enough.

Keng Yaik. Ah ya, just want to kacau you la. Anyway, how’s that diabetes of yours?

Samy: Under control la, tapi mesti jaga la. Hey Keng Yaik, wait, wait. Don’t turn, just stand still. Tun you see there, under that tree there, itu Pak Lah kan?

Mahathir: Where? Hey ya la, that is apa nama Dollah la. He’s also here ka?

Ah Kit: Yes, la. After the Barisan Rakyat won, he resigned. Nobody knew where he went.

Mahathir: Hey, Samy, you go and call him here.

Samy: What? You all friend already ka Tun?

Mahathir: Sudah tua apa friend, friend all. Go and call him la.

Samy: Ok ok I go and come.

Ah Kit: Waa Ah Yaik, you don’t look old la. Same like before only.

Keng Yaik: Sure la, I always exercise one. Every morning I do Tai Chi you know. You two don’t exercise ka? Tun you doctor also don’t know it’s important to exercise ka?

Mahathir: What about the coffee Keng Yaik? You forgot already ka?

Keng Yaik: Haiya, sudah lupa la. OK, OK I go now.

Samy: Look who I have here.

Ah Kit: Pak Lah ah, so nice to see you la. Wa, you like David Copperfield ah, suddenly can disappear one.

Dollah: Tun, how are you? Kit Siang, wa you two can sit together ah?

Mahathir: Sit down first la, take Samy’s chair. Boleh kan Samy?

Dollah: Just now I malu want to come here. I saw you all long time already but segan la. Then Samy said you all invited me here, sure I come la. So nice to meet old friends la.

Samy: I’ll tell Keng Yaik to get another cup of coffee. Pak Lah, no sugar ah?

Dollah: You still remember ah Samy.

Mahathir: How come you are here Dollah?

Dollah: I was about to ask you all the same question. Frankly speaking, I am tired already of all this politics. Tak boleh tahan already la. No peace at all la. I told my children I am going away and don’t look for me. If I want to speak to them I’ll call them. Jane also happy here.

Mahathir: You are right la Dollah. I also letih la. No life at all la. Every time must jaga to see if someone wants to stab you in the back. You Ah Kit?

Ah Kit: After that Perak MB affair, they all marah me so terok one. They say my thinking outdated already. Come to think of it ah, time has changed la. Their thinking is different from mine. Difficult for me to adopt to their style so the best thing to do is to back out gracefully la.

Keng Yaik: Ah, your coffee Samy with 2 kilos sugar and yours Pak Lah, no sugar.

Samy: One thing about you ah Keng Yaik, your coffee forever full ah? No matter how much you drink still full one.

Keng Yaik: I know, you want to say I spit a lot, you think I don’t know ka? You ah Samy next time drink coffee put milk la.

Samy: Why?

Keng Yaik: The colour of your lips and the coffee same only, people don’t know which one is the coffee, which one your lips.

Samy: Tengok, tengok, ini cilaka

Ah Kit: From last time until now still quarrel ka? You two are jokers la.

Keng Yaik: Why Tun, what are you thinking of?

Mahathir: I am thinking where is Zam, Rafidah, Kayveas and Tengku Adnan?

Samy: Zam ka? He is here also what. There in that stall there selling news papers. I heard Tengku Adman is a tourist guide. Rafidah and that other idiot I don’t know la.

Keng Yaik: Rafidah is a used car sales-person. I heard she is selling used Naza cars and kayveas is a commissioner of oath in Taiping.