LIAR LIAR PT 2

The DPM

FP: Good morning sir. You look extremely handsome this morning sir.

DPM: You are an angel yourself you know. Where are you from? Are you by any chance from Mongolia? I love Mongolians you know. Actually Genghiz Khan gave the Mongolians a bad reputation you know. Mongolians are surprisingly not rough people. I simply love them, especially their ladies. Ha, ha, ha, er, come nearer, don't be shy. I usually don't like to give interviews to the foreign press you know but how could I refuse such an angel.

FP: Thank you for the compliment sir, actually I am from England.

DPM: England? You remind me of my student days. Oh, how I love those days. We had so much fun then you know. Ah, yes, those were the days. How time flies. I used to be quite good looking then you know, not that I am not one now, but the hair is receding a bit and greying a bit here and there.

FP: Why don't you dye your hair black sir?

DPM: I know, but these pesky Islamists at home. They frown on it. Tell you a secret, I would love to dye it green, all the way down to you know where, you get what I mean, ha? Ha? You want to see where? I don't mind showing it.

FP: Er, how's the missus sir?

DPM: Please don't spoil such a beautiful morning.

FP: Anyway Mr DPM sir, some people say there is much animosity between you and the PM, is this true?

DPM: Now, how do I answer that? Let me answer it this way, if he were to die, I would be the first to throw a party. Don't worry, leave your number and I'll make sure you'd be invited. We have skinny dipping here too you know.

FP: It's that bad? No I don't mean the party; I mean your dislike for him?

DPM: I am sure the feeling is mutual. I am sure that no good SIL of his is doing all he could to get rid of me. That no good monkey. You know the opposition calls him a monkey? You know why? Because he behaves like one. Unrefined, that fellow, really unrefined and uncultured. He may have been to Oxford but he is still a kampong boy.

FP: Aren't you supposed to be TDM's choice? What happened? Why did he choose the present man?

DPM: You see, when it was time for the old man to go, I was the only one he could count on not to create trouble for him and his children. Sure, I would do anything for the premiership. I can't be bothered what he had done during his tenure. That's his business. Well, anyway, I kinda had a reputation to be a ladies man with my share of scandals but in this country, we cover them up real good you know. The police, judiciary, ACA and even the Pejabat Agamas are in our hands so my exploits were swept under but these UMNO busy-bodies, they know what I have been up to. So you could say I am kind of tainted. Anyway, I am still pretty young, as you can see, so the old man thought that it would be better for me to wait a while. He asked me to my house in order; get better support from the grassroots, so he made a deal with old-sleepy head. The deal was he was to take over for one term and then hand the country over to me. That was not a rumour you know. I know because I was there.

FP: Hmm, interesting. Is he going to honour that agreement?

DPM: If it was up to him, I think he would have honoured it. Look he is no statesman, no Gandhi or Kennedy. He gets his chance to boast around that he is PM, gets his pension and maybe retire to Australia with his new not so young wife. Imagine, remarrying and choosing fifty something for a wife. If it were me, I'd get someone young and pretty and sexy and voluptuous with boobs that's sure to suffocate, like, like you? Anyway, the old man discounted one important factor.

FP: What is that?

DPM: Hannibal Lector.

FP: Hannibal Lector?

DPM: Yes, the others may like to call him monkey, but I call him Hannibal. He eats people up, that fella.

FP: You mean the SIL?

DPM: Yes, who else could do that? Well this upstart started having visions, much like the Tun, visions of grandeur. He wanted the cake for himself. He persuaded sleepy head to hold on until he is ready to take over. The old man, thinking that his SIL is god sent fell for it and there goes my chance.

FP: You mean to tell me you have no more chance now?

DPM: Nothing is impossible but it's going to be tough. Now I am not only up against the old man but against the whole government machinery headed by Hannibal himself.

FP: You still have the support of TDM don't you?

DPM: The Tun is a spent force really. 82 and 2 bypasses don't actually do wonders you know. His own past makes him susceptible. The RCI threatens to open the closet you know. I know they were only teasing him. They really have much more on the old man so he has to be careful himself. I can't depend on him too much. That's where the Submarine and Sukhoi deals come him. I need money to mount an attack.

FP: You mean the submarine and Sukhoi deals are tainted? Every deal in this country is tainted. Every one of us takes commissions. As for the Sukhoi deal, we brokered to have the Russian send one of our boys to space. You know the Malays went ga ga. Wow, a Malay in space. We made sure that it was a Malay so that we could lull all the kampong folks. While they were ogling into space we screw their backsides and they don't even feel it. Malaysians and their Malaysia Boleh. I have to thank the Tun for it you know. It's the perfect lullaby.

DPM: What about Altantunya? Hmm, this is dangerous information you know, suffice to say she is collateral damage. I really have to go. This is my private number, you want to know more, call me. We could even meet in Paris.