Imagine what would happen if the "Oh God, I can't lie" curse or wish, whichever way you want to see it, in LIAR LIAR hits our ministers at press conferences everywhere. How would their responses to the press be? Of course it must be the foreign press. The local press has no balls.
Qt: How would rate your performance as PM thus far?
PM: Well, Malaysia is not yet bankrupt but we will be if we go on this way. Actually I don't have a clue as to how to run a country. Luckily I have my advisors and of course my beloved and intelligent Oxford-trained son in law and his Oxford trained 4th floor buddies. Just imagine if they are not around. I would have to work. That is scary isn't it? I mean I have to actually lift my finger and work and lose all those precious sleeping time.
Qt: Since you said it first, people accuse you of sleeping on the job, that can't be true could it?
PM: Yes, I sleep everywhere and whenever I feel like it. I have been doing it ever since I was in school. That was why I flunked my economics in UM and had to switch to Islamic Studies. Sleeping is fun, it is nice, and it is the opposite of work. What could be better than sleeping?
QT: About the elections, is not allowing Anwar to run, one of the main reasons to hold the elections on 8th March?
PM: No it is not one of the main reasons, it is the only reason.
Qt: Why? Why are you afraid of him?
PM: Look even with the ex-con tag and being not eligible to stand, he can still create havoc. Imagine what would happen if I allow him to stand. The opposition would, as in the past, make him their choice for PM, that would persuade many to give the oppositions a try. As it is right now, it is either Lim Kit Siang or Hj Hadi. These 2 choices are not as attractive as Anwar, don't you think so? Anyway I don't like him. I know he didn't do all those things that Mahathir accused him of, but I still don't like him. I am older and yet Mahathir chose him over me, can you believe that?
Qt: Was there a gentleman's agreement between you and TDM to hand over the premiership to Najib?
Qt: Then why are you not honouring it?
PM: Are you out of your freaking mind. If I were to say no, do you think Tun would choose me? He may just decide to stay on and there goes my chance of becoming PM. Anyway, it was a verbal agreement. There is nothing gentleman about it. After all that Tun has done and the way he treated Anwar, not that I care, do you think he qualifies to be called a gentleman? Now they are calling him a statesman. If I had allowed the RCI on the Lingam case to be truly independent then those who call him a statesman would be kicking their own arses la. The things he did to the judiciary.
Qt: Then why didn't you?
PM: Why did he do that to the judiciary? So that he could have them in his hands right? How did he manage to get rid of Anwar? By controlling the Judiciary right? So why should I give away so much power? Who knows maybe one day I may have to use the Judiciary to get rid of someone? Who knows, maybe Najib, or maybe even make use of the Judiciary to run Tun down himself. He can't complain can he? He did exactly that when he was in power. Anyway that would be poetic justice wouldn't it? People say I am not very clever. That I admit but I have learnt a lot from TDM, especially the dirty things. I am just using it and tailoring it to my needs and style.
Qt: Does that mean you are also thankful to TDM?
PM: Of course I am thankful. He took care of the police for me. They don't work for the people but work for the government. He gets corrupt people for the ACA, so easy to control. He gets corrupt AGs so I could control who gets charged and who don't. Like Tun in his time, I can ensure that my friends don't get charged in court. Of course I am thankful to him.
Qt: Now he is making a lot of noise, does that hurt you and what are you doing about it?
PM: Yes, la, that bloody old man. Actually he is sore because we all forced him to go. Anyway my clever son in law has a plan. We are slowly killing all his supporters. You see in UMNO, without the support of the PM, you are dead. If you squeeze these people, they would come begging to you. That was what he did to Anwar's supporters. Many came kissing Tun's feet because they could not take the squeeze. Some are already kissing my feet now. Once I tightened the squeeze, many more would come crawling back to me. That is UMNO.
Qt: Some say that the SPR is not an independent body. It is a branch of the ruling government.
PM: Of course la. I have given them strict instructions to ensure our victory. Tun also did the same thing when he was in power that is why you don't hear him complaint so much about the SPR. Actually I am very thankful to the SPR for my record-breaking victory in 2004. Tun also had a lot to thank the SPR in 1999, otherwise koyak la we all.
Qt: So they are not impartial?
PM: Don't make me laugh la.
Qt: Is your list of candidates finalized? Will you still be in Kepala Batas? Would Khairy be a candidate?
PM: Khairy and his boys are vetting the list. I really don't have the time for this trivial matter. Actually its very boring la. I get a headache seeing so many names. Anyway Khairy is capable. He knows who is good for me and him and who is not. Yes, I would still be in Kepala Batas. Khairy will decide if he wants to stand or not. If he says, he wants it, then I have no objections. After all he has been doing the PM's job all these while.
Qt: Some say that Mukhriz was endorsed by Langkawi UMNO to stand there but then others say no. Your comments?
PM: Why he wants Langkawi? Why, because it safe with all the Myanmar voters there? It's up to Kedah la, they will send in their recommendations and Khairy and the boys will do the rest. If you ask me, I would rather he takes me on in Kepala Batas as an independent.
Qt: During last year's massive flooding in the south, you only visited the victims very late. Where were you?
PM: You all like to make a mountain out of a molehill la. I was also south, but a little further south la. Some friends invited me over yachting in Australia. There is plenty of water there too. So between the dirty flood waters and dirty slimy unhygienic flood victims and the warm waters of the south coupled with a luxurious yacht and good food, where do you think I would be? Come on man, I know people were making an issue out of it. I have a life also you know? I have already taken leave so I go on leave la. Even if there was a Tsunami I would not come home early. I deserved the break you know? After all there are millions of UMNO members at home, let them work la. If I come home early it would stop raining ka? Sorry it is already 10am. Time for my tea and kuih, and a two hour sleep after that.