Kidney Stones

To some the title sounds frighteningly familiar. Oh, yes, when I say frightening I really mean frightening as in the 'I'd rather die than to face it again' kind. Yes, yes I know women will say, "huh, you're a real pussy, no amount of kidney stones could beat childbirth". Well I haven't given birth yet despite my big tummy and the fact that I am a man so I can't really validate that claim, (oh boy am I inviting trouble) so I will stick to kidney stones to being the mother of all pains, at least for me.

I am not writing this post to describe how painful it is coz some over there have had the experience and I am not very good at describing pain for the simple reason that I don't like pain. What I intend to write is about a practical joke I played on the missus regarding kidney stones.

My wife is all too aware of me being prone to bouts of kidney stones attack. I call it attack coz each time, it comes without warning, it just squeezes the life out of you. I would be walking about aimlessly and painfully around the house holding my back and visiting the loo like once every 2 or 3 minutes only to see a few drops coming out. I remember once showing my wife coffee coloured urine.

One day feeling bored, the kids being not at home, I decided to play a joke on her. Now I would say my acting skills are quite good, Al Pacino, eat your heart out. She was doing the chores and was at my computer when I suddenly got up and walked to her complaining of back pains. She looked at me enquiringly and seeing the part of my back that I was holding, she asked if it could be stones again. In between holding my back and faking pain I said that I suspect it is so. I could see that she was worried. Usually when I have these attacks, I would not bother her, I would be on my own and so this time I did the same coz I do not want her to suspect anything fishy and as usual, every once in a while she would ask me if it is painful to which I would answer yes.

She didn't know that prior to that I had visited the kitchen to complete my act. I waited until she came out of the kitchen again to look on me when I increased the look of my pain and made a slow dash to the bathroom. She asked what happened and I answered that I think it is coming out and that I know it is going to hurt big time. I could see the look of helplessness and pity on her face. She wanted to follow me in but I said I'd rather do it alone. I locked the bathroom door before me. I waited a while and started making sounds, the sound of someone in pain. At first it was soft, followed by pantings as if I was tired and then more sound only this time louder and louder followed by a few seconds of silence and then a real loud one but not too loud so as to alert the whole neighbourhood.

I could hear her asking if my am ok. I answered yes tiredly. Then she asked if the stone is out, I answered yes. She asked to see it and I said ok and added that it is a real big one. I opened the door and put in her hand an ( I don't know what you call this in English) 'anak lesung'( a stone thing Asians used to pound chillies). I could see the change in her eyes from an anxious look to relief and then anger and then realisation that she has been conned. Of coz she gave me a whack on the back but I was in tears laughing.

When the kids got back, the whole house roared when the story was related to them. This was last year but sometimes when I was alone I would smile thinking of it.