Wednesday, 9 May 2007

Kidney Stones

To some the title sounds frighteningly familiar. Oh, yes, when I say frightening I really mean frightening as in the 'I'd rather die than to face it again' kind. Yes, yes I know women will say, "huh, you're a real pussy, no amount of kidney stones could beat childbirth". Well I haven't given birth yet despite my big tummy and the fact that I am a man so I can't really validate that claim, (oh boy am I inviting trouble) so I will stick to kidney stones to being the mother of all pains, at least for me.

I am not writing this post to describe how painful it is coz some over there have had the experience and I am not very good at describing pain for the simple reason that I don't like pain. What I intend to write is about a practical joke I played on the missus regarding kidney stones.

My wife is all too aware of me being prone to bouts of kidney stones attack. I call it attack coz each time, it comes without warning, it just squeezes the life out of you. I would be walking about aimlessly and painfully around the house holding my back and visiting the loo like once every 2 or 3 minutes only to see a few drops coming out. I remember once showing my wife coffee coloured urine.

One day feeling bored, the kids being not at home, I decided to play a joke on her. Now I would say my acting skills are quite good, Al Pacino, eat your heart out. She was doing the chores and was at my computer when I suddenly got up and walked to her complaining of back pains. She looked at me enquiringly and seeing the part of my back that I was holding, she asked if it could be stones again. In between holding my back and faking pain I said that I suspect it is so. I could see that she was worried. Usually when I have these attacks, I would not bother her, I would be on my own and so this time I did the same coz I do not want her to suspect anything fishy and as usual, every once in a while she would ask me if it is painful to which I would answer yes.

She didn't know that prior to that I had visited the kitchen to complete my act. I waited until she came out of the kitchen again to look on me when I increased the look of my pain and made a slow dash to the bathroom. She asked what happened and I answered that I think it is coming out and that I know it is going to hurt big time. I could see the look of helplessness and pity on her face. She wanted to follow me in but I said I'd rather do it alone. I locked the bathroom door before me. I waited a while and started making sounds, the sound of someone in pain. At first it was soft, followed by pantings as if I was tired and then more sound only this time louder and louder followed by a few seconds of silence and then a real loud one but not too loud so as to alert the whole neighbourhood.

I could hear her asking if my am ok. I answered yes tiredly. Then she asked if the stone is out, I answered yes. She asked to see it and I said ok and added that it is a real big one. I opened the door and put in her hand an ( I don't know what you call this in English) 'anak lesung'( a stone thing Asians used to pound chillies). I could see the change in her eyes from an anxious look to relief and then anger and then realisation that she has been conned. Of coz she gave me a whack on the back but I was in tears laughing.

When the kids got back, the whole house roared when the story was related to them. This was last year but sometimes when I was alone I would smile thinking of it.

22 comments:

acciaccatura said...

assalamualaikum,
kelakar,memang kelakar!heee...
i wouldn't dare to do a stunt like that, takut jadi betul!

Kata Tak Nak said...

Jangan la kata macam tu, nanti jadi betul-betul. I don't want to go through that harrowing experience again. Thats is why I salute you ladies, I know childbirth is the grandmother of all pains and yet you go through them

tokasid said...

Salam to che'gu:
Kah3 sampai nak pecah prot baca ni. Nanya wife che'gu.Che'gu pedejei dia idup2 noo..sapa tak marah kalu bagi anak batu kat dia.Kalu bagi bijik asam boi ka takpa jugak.Mujuq dia tak pelekoh kepala che'gu ngan anak lesong tu.Kalu dak betoi2 masuk sepital la..

Kata Tak Nak said...

Tokasid,
Betoi jugak nu, tak tpikiaq pulak macam tu, Kalu masa tu dia hot gila2 dia lupa diri dia bagi tang dahi mampoih aku. Saya memang suka menyakat. Kadang2 kat anak2 pun saya menyakat jugak.

Raden Galoh said...

salam bro...

Hahahaha...really ahhh al Pacino, get out! This man is really funny... and a slow dash? Whohoooo...like slow motion gitu weehhh... and using pestle as the batu...wahkahakahkah...(my staff must be thinking apa kena Puan D ari ni...)

Kata Tak Nak said...

Raden,
You should be there and see the look on her face. Luckily she understands coz thats the way I am kalau tidak batu tu hinggap on my head la.

ahm said...

thank you for correcting my mistakes. appreciate it so much.

on the kidney stone issue, the best remedy is thru' ops, remove the stone totally. however watch out once you have the history, the chances for it to come back is high.. watch your diet,that would prolong the repeat cycle

zabs said...

Assalammualaikum. Saya pernah mengalamani situasi seperti isteri anda itu, cuma ini "real" punya. Kami berada di terumbu di luar pantai Sabah (ini berlaku 5 tahun dulu), kawan tu, lelaki separuh umur, "diserang" batu karang tersebut sampai keluar peluh jantan. Nasib baik pada masa tersebut ada kelikopter datang untuk bawa beliau balik ke Labuan untuk rawatan. Kini setelah lebih 5 tahun,masih ok. Takda buat operation pun..

zorro said...

Wicked!!!! But lucky shedidnot usethe tumbok stone on you.

Kata Tak Nak said...

ahm'
I am sorry kalau saya kasaq sikit. Thanks for the adivice. Sakitnya tuhan saja yang tahu.

Zabs,
True, When I got the most severe atteck, I had to call my brother to take me to a clinic which is about 100 meters away from my house. That was when my urine was like kopi'o.

Zorro,
Yes luckily the batu anak lesung didn't land on my head.

Ibu said...

Here for the first time. And what a pleasantly-insanely hillarious entry this is. Sakit perut tahan ketawa!(control pretty depan pc. haha)

p/s MU eh? can fren-fren with my son - come drop by his blog and bond!

Kata Tak Nak said...

Ibu,
Glad that you fanct this particular entry and glad that you have a son with such good taste in football teams.
Welcome to my blog.

monsterball said...

hi kata tak nak...to remove stones from the kidney is such a fast and painless operation process nowadays.
Infect..no operation...they just push a small tiny lazer bean into your stomach and blast the stones into pieces in few minutes...but it does cost you around RM5000 to RM7000.
Also operations on eyes cataracts. I recalled it was a major operation for my late mother 30 years ago...but I went for one...painless and begged the doctor to do the other..which I had to wait 6 months. Now both eyes are like as clear as I was like a teenager.
I did that 3 years ago...still okay...very clear.Again...it cost RM3500..TO RM7000 per operation...depending which hospital you choose. I went for the RM3500 at Tun.Hussien Onn Eye Specialist Centre.
But poor folks will have no change to enjoy renewed good health and life and I DO HOPE GOVERNMENT IS SERIOUSLY LOOKING TO HELP ALL THOSE PEOPLE.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Hai monsterball,
I went to the hosp once because of these kidney stones and after doing an x-ray, the docktor said that the stone was too tiny. He added that these tiny ones are the real rascals that cause a lot of pain. I haven't had any for sometime now but I know through experience that it can come just like that though I hope not.
How are you doing now?

monsterball said...

Personally no complaint..but business wise...bad ..very bad.
You take care and thanks you very much for your wonderful best wishes for me at Sheih's site! I do appreciate you took time to compose that witty poem for me.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Monsterball,
Anything for a brother.

tokasid said...

Che'gu:
Pasai batu karang ni che'gu kena kerap makan ayaq.Memang la besiaq lepaih tu tapi boleh elak recurrence.Esp bulan posa dan musim kemarau kena over berjaga-jaga no...

Kata Tak Nak said...

Saya mengaku dalam kes ayaq, saya sangat kurang minum ayaq tp kena bagi besa la minum ayaq banyak la.

Apandi said...

Mean, cikgu that's mean but kelakar gila. Imagining that last scene made me laugh.

For me, 4 tahun sekali menatang ni mai, expedited by the other evil "gout"...

Kata Tak Nak said...

apandi,
So you have gout too? I have seen people with gout and I don't think I like it.
Mean ha? Luckily she took it sportingly coz she knows the kind of person I am.
I am waiting, for it to come, in fear coz I know it will come. The doc tokasid said kacangs are a no, no.

Apandi said...

There's nothing to like about gout. Maybe I'll write about it in the next blog. Kacang especially peanuts, seafood and red meat - keep it away. But I still indulge, life is short, takkan nak makan sayur rebus jerrr...

Kata Tak Nak said...

Apandi,
They say evrything in moderation and I tried to follow them but sometimes I bedal sajalah lebih2 lagi kalau lauk kambing. Fuh I tell you, story no use la.

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