5 For The Road.

1. Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"Two days later.George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't a lot better than your wife."


2. Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load up Jack's station-wagon and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard. They pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the attractive lady of the house if they can spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. He calls up his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks a lot, pal...she just died and left me her farm."


3. There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says,"Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel." "Enough!" says the commander in disgust.Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?"The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock."The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then."So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel. A minute later the captain walks in."Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"


4. Three married guys die and meet Saint Peter at the pearly gates.Peter asks the first guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"The guy answers truthfully, "Every chance I got."Peter points to two doors, telling the guy to enter the second one. He then turns to the second guy, asking him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?""A couple of times," the guy mutters.Peter tells him to take door two.Peter asks the third guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"The guy thinks for a couple of seconds and says, "Well, once. You see, I was in this saloon in Texas, and I noticed they only had one cowgirl working there to take care of all of the guys.I asked the bartender how come, and he said 'Well,she's all we need. That filly can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose.' So that's when I cheated on my wife."Peter then told the guy to enter door number one.The guy asks, "What's the deal? You sent the others to door number two?"Peter says, "Yes, and they are both going to hell. But you and I are going to Texas!"


5. A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You b*stard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"