Friday, 3 July 2009

The Consultant

It is reported that the Terengganu is engaging the services of consultants from Britain to probe the recent stadium roof collapse. Well its about time. I wonder how they are going to go about it. It wouldn't look good if it was acertained that the roof came down because of faulty design or shoddy workmenship or the use of inferior materials or stinging on construction materials. I wonder if the deals was struck this way.

JKR: Welcome Mr. Smith. Please have a seat. Have you had your breakfast yet?

Smith: Oh, yes, I had a hearty breakfast at the hotel. Love you Naasi Dageng

JKR: Anyway how's your hotel stay so far? Please let us know if we could assist you in anyway to make your stay a comfortable one. Do you need another suite maybe?

Smith: Why would I want to do that? My suite is big enough already.

JKR: So, you are comfortable with the suite that we have booked for you. I was just thinking maybe you need another suite for your clothes and another for your shoes and things like that. We are very prepared to meet all your requests. Here's my card. Call me anytime should you need any assistance.

Smith: I say, you are truly a gracious host. I am okay as it is. No, I don't need an extra room but some mineral water, made in England would help you know. I am so used to the brand and the hotel can't find any here in Malaysia.

JKR: Oh is that so? You should have told us before you came, we would have got that brand ready. Never mind, we will import some for you. Oh, dear, that would take too much time. I know, I'll get the Malaysian High Commissioner to courier a few dozen cartons. You should get that brand by tomorrow evening latest.

Smith: Oh, dear, that would cost you quite a bundle.

JKR: No no, Mr. Smith, nothing is too costly for our honoured guest. Er, you did not bring the missus for this trip?

Smith: Oh, no I can't possibly do that. I am not on vacation?

JKR: You can't do that in England? Over here we are encouraged to do it. We even take our relatives and friends along on working trips but don't you worry, we are too happy to arrange for a stand in wife during your stay.

Smith: I beg your pardon. Are you saying that you would send me a prostitute?

JKR: No, no, not prostitute, temporary partner. They are very different people you know. Of course you could do all you please with your temporary partner.

Smith: Hmm, no thank you please. I am very capable of living alone. I don't need a temporary partner. Err, can I see the plans to the stadium please?

JKR: What! You want to start work already? Don't you want to take a week or two rest at one of our beautiful islands?

Smith: No, no. I would like to get straight to work. I am sure there's plenty to do.

JKR: Err, actually, about the plans, err, they plans were stolen. I was on my way here when I stopped at the 7 11 to get a cigar when all of a sudden someone broke into my car and stole my briefcase. I am afraid they are not here and we don't have copies.

Smith: Don't you have a soft copy then?

JKR: Aah, yes, the soft copy. I am afraid our system was attacked by some strange virus that corrupted all files containing drawings but I can assure you that we had looked at the plans very meticulously and certified them. There is absolutely nothing deficient with the plans.

Smith: Well I'd have to take your word for it then but it would make my work all the more difficult.

JKR: Aah you have just utterd the magic word. Don't worry, here in Malaysia we have the 'Difficult Work Allowance'. I'll make sure you are paid the allowance promptly. In fact, we could give you an advance.

Smith: Oh, you have that kind of allowance here? The rate?

JKR: We are very flexible over these matters here. You name your price, I am sure we could accomodate you.

Smith: Hmm, well I guess I should visit the site then.

JKR: Oh, I am afraid there would be a problem there.

Smith: Problem? What problem?

JKR: You see the site has been closed by the Health Ministry. Last week we had 75 workers down with H1N1 in that area. They say it is a more vicious strain. All the 75 are now dead. Deadly I tell you, very deadly.

Smith: Oh, dear, that's terrible. Why wasn't it in the papers? I mean 75 deaths is very disturbing and serious.

JKR: Exactly Mr. Smith. Its for that very reason that the ministry chose to withold such information. It could create a panic you know. The whole world would panic. The stock markets would crash. Business would come to a stand still.

Smith: Well if that's the case I guess I would have to come back later then.

JKR: But we would not know how long the closure would be. I was reliably informed that it could take years.

Smith: Oh, dear, oh dear. What do you suggest that I do then?

JKR: Tell you what. Lets go to Pulau Redang for some R&R and you go look over some photos of the collapsed stadium there.

Smith: Can I look at the photos now?

JKR: Sure, sure why not. I have them with me.

Smith: But there are only 2 photos here and they are very grainy and shot from about a mile away without any closeups. This is preposterous. How am I ever going to get my job done with such limitattions.

JKR: Actually the JKR had taken the liberty of preparing a very detailed report. All you need to do is sign and approve it as if it was your own, spend a month or so at any resort you want, with or without a temporary wife, take your Difficult Work Allowance' and go home. What do you say?


12 comments:

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

hehehhe...but the more likely to happen is delaying the report until mr smith leaves the country. once he's gone only will it be made public, but after some alteration to the report of course. this is Malaysia whaaat, semua boleh!

kopitelp16 said...

If Mr Smith declines, I'll take it! Ummm... JKR provides pen to sign the docs? I only use Mont Blanc.

Anonymous said...

Salam cikgu,
No comment. You have said it all. Nothing far from the truth. I actually believed that is what happened. No other way cikgu. You wrote it as if you were actually there!!! Brilliant betul ! Just my 2sen cikgu.

Singam said...

Man, you've done it again!

Kata Tak Nak said...

Kerp,
Either it is conveniently delayed or even forgotten. What else is new?

Kata Tak Nak said...

Kopitelp
They would be all too glad to give you a thousand Mont Blancs

Kata Tak Nak said...

Anonymous,
Of course it would not be anywhere near what I wrote but the gist remains the same.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Singam,
Thanx man.

Anonymous said...

Cikgu
You are always right on the dot all time. guess what; before they mention "consultant", the report for the collapsed already drafted, and approved by the "Jay-Kay-Ar"...

Mr Jayarajan-Encik Kayrul-Mr Ar Choon is the actual consultant. Mr Smith will enjoy his duration with some Filipinos onboard small boat catching squids!

dbwing said...

This is good.
I remember so many cases like: fire works factory burn-down in Selanngor years ago(may be without valid license),our air-port on fire,..... Our BN govt promised to investigate but never never revealed them to the public. May be they are kept under OSA or they were never genuine investigations undertaken....

Kata Tak Nak said...

Anon,
While the Filipino broads are playing with eels.

Kata Tak Nak said...

dbwing,
Whenever the raise any finding, it would raise more questions than answers.

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