Merry Christmas

My family and I would like to wish all Christians Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. You take care ya hear!!!!

The Maintable

Minah: Hai Kak Kiah, waaa you very early this morning?

Kiah: Ooo, Timah! Yes, la. got so much work to do today, you know la with the kenduri and all, don't forget to come today aah.

Minah: Sure I come one, you know la how I love a good gossip but why do you shop? You tak ambil caterer ka? You want to cook everything yourself ka?

Kiah: No la, I cater but I want to add something special for the main table. I want to serve a Kiah Special.

Minah: Ooo like that ka, I thought you want to cook everything. What you want to cook Kiah?

Kiah: I think, I want to add lobsters to the main table la.

Minah: Waaa! Lobster ka? Eh can I sit at the main table?

Kiah: Of course la Minah, without you the main table would be too sober la.

Minah: Mat! You got lobsters or not today, Kak Kiah here wants to cook something special today.

Mat: Got, got, there at that corner.

Kiah: Alaaa Mat those lobsters so small la, what would people say? Got bigger one or not?

Mat: Got Kak Kiah but that one smuggle one, where can put on display one.

Kiah: What smuggle one? Since when you do this thing all Mat?

Mat: I say Kak Kiah mau hidup la.

Minah: Where then? We all must see first, then only can buy.

Mat: Abu, you take over for a while. Come, come with me to the store. This one only for trusted people only.

Minah: Waaa! your store so big one. Eh Mat! Is that a tiger's head?

Mat: Yes, Kak Minah, the meat I sold already. This head can fetch a very good price la. You want ka? RM15K I sell you.

Minah: Don't want la, what I want to do with a tiger's head. You be careful Mat, this thing all illegal la.

Mat: Here Kak Kiah, lobsters smuggled from the Bermudas, very big an fresh.

Minah: Eh, what is inside that box Mat?

Mat: That one ka? If you want I sell it to you cheap la. My customer in the US cancel the order already.

Kiah: At least tell us what it is, if okay we buy la.

Mat: F5E spare engine. Never mind if you take this one I will throw in a submarine periscope foc. You nak bungkus ka?

The Catch

MACC: Aaah, we have finally arrived home. It's been a real tiring weekend man

AG: Tiring? Yes, but, but our bounty shows the great skills that we have, don't you think so?.

IGP: Of course la, who can beat us in this game, we are the best

AG: Please, please gentlemen I admit you are good but, I'm the best in the country.

MACC: Woi, woi. who says you are the best?

IGP: Shh, shh, quiet, isn't that the PR people?

MACC: Where, where? Yes la, they have a few crates themselves.

IGP: Do you think they have been following us the whole weekend?

AG: Wait a minute, do you remember that group of people you caught sight in your binoculars? Do you think it was them?

MACC: Yes la, could be them la. Quiet, quet, act busy, they are heading this way.

Ah Kit: Hey Anwar, we should do this more often la. This is really the best weekend I've had in a long time la.

Hadi: Yes la Ah Kit I really enjoyed this weekend la. Tiring but fun.

Anwar: Hey, don't those people look familiar to you?

Ah Kit: Where?

Anwar: There those people with the crates.

Hadi: Yes la, lets go say Hi to them.

MACC: They are coming, they are coming.

Ah Kit: Hello fancy meeting you people here, you also just got back ka?

IGP: Oh Ah Kit, Anwar and Hadi, yes, yes, we also just got back. You know la, we can't be working all the time, once in a while must unwind jugak.

Anwar: Yes, we all also the same, it has been a hectic year.

MACC: What did you get gentlemen?

Hadi: Not much la, just some Baracudas, a tiger shark, a few 10 plus kilo Tenggiris and some giant kerapus. What did you get?

AG: As always, our favourite catch, ikan bilis.

Superduperpower

PM: I hope you like your food Mr. Obama.

Obama: Oh, immensely I should say. The food was simply fantastic.

PM: How about you Mr. Putin?

Putin: I have never tasted food better than this in my life.

PM: Glad to hear that you love our food. How about you Mr. Jintao?

Jintao: China is known to be the best place for food but I must admit that these lobsters are the best I have tasted in my life. I must take some home.

MC: Your Excellencies, ladies and gentlemen. We now adjourn to Bilik Dahlia for the surrender ceremony.

PM: Gentlemen, this way please.

MC: We now call upon the heads of states of the USA, Russia and the People's Republic of China to come forward to read the Declaration of Surrender and sign it.

3 Heads: W,e the leaders of the USA, Russia and the People's Republic of China hereby surrender the sovereignty of our nations to Malaysia. All subjects of our country are now the subjects of Malaysia. We hereby declare our countries to be the 14th, 15th and 16th state of Malaysia with no voting power. All our citizens are now slaves to this country.

MC: Please sign your respective declarations.

PM: I am glad that the leaders of three of the most powerful nations of this world could see the futility of being enemies with Malaysia. Gentlemen, you could now leave and tell the people of your countries that they are now effectively Malaysians.

DPM: I salute you la PM. That move of yours was brilliant la. Just one decision brought them down to their knees. Now they know not to mess with Malaysia.

PM: Yes Din. I am glad we bought the 2 subs. See how they shiver at us now that we have 2 submarines? Hahahahaha. Do you know that we caught the lobsters we had for dinner with one of the subs?

Hah Hah

MACC: Err, Datuk Seri please have a seat. Please sit down, never mind, it's okay.

DS: Err, I would rather stand.

MACC: Why are you so jitery, we only want to ask you a few questions that's all.

DS: Go ahead, all the same, I would rather stand.

MACC: We are your friends DS, relax.

DS: Could you tell me how high up are we?

MACC: We are on the 9th floor, so about 90 feet, why?

DS: Nothing, could I stand over there please. I am afraid of heights so standing next to this glass wall gives me the creeps.

MACC: No problem Datuk, please sit anywhere you want.

DS: It's okay, I'll stand here next to this brick wall. Are you sure this wall is actually made of brick?

MACC: Don't worry Datuk, it's solid. So can we begin the questioning Datuk?

DS:Okay, ask what you want.

MACC: Do you know Takselamat Ali Money Changers?

DS: Nope, haven't heard of that guy from Seremban.

MACC: How do you know he is from Seremban?

DS: Okay, okay, yes I know him..

MACC: We have reports that say you used Takselamat to transfer 10 million ringgit to England.

DS: Yes, that is true, why I cannot send my own money overseas ka. It's my money so I should be allowed to do what I want with it.

MACC: Yes, we know you have the right to do what you want with your money but we are interested to know how you made so much money.

DS: What! You call 10 million a lot? Anyway, I earned the 10 million.

MACC: You have not been a state CEO that long DS, your salaries couldn't add up to that much.

DS: I know, but my wife sells goreng pisang in the evening and my children sell nasi lemak in school and in college. I also give English tuition when I am free.

MACC: DS, you expect me to believe your story?

DS: What time is it now?

MACC: 5.10pm.

DS: Hah, hah, it's past office hours, you can't question me anymore. Sorry got to go.

The Holiday

Ah Seng: Hey Ahmad ah, where you want to go? Why got so many balang one? You want to imigilate ka?

Ahmad: Aiya Seng, where got immigrate, this is my country what, your country oso. No la I want to go to Sabah la, long time never take my family for holiday there one.

Ah Seng: Wah! You cuti cuti Melaysia ka? Good la, take family go for holiday. I choose a cheaper holiday for my family la. Just bought a house so cannot spend so much for holiday.

Ahmad: Never mind one Seng, where you go oso still the same one, still Malaysyia jugak what. I go to Sabah because my brader got work there one, so can stay in his house, no need to spend in hotel.

Ah Seng: Ah good, good, in bad times like this we must save for the lainy day one. I thought you oso got blader in Johor, why you no go there? There oso good what.

Ahmad: Aiya, last year I go there oredi so this year go Sabah pulak la, some more my brader want to take me to one place very special. He say, this one very difficult to find one.

Ah Seng: Wah, got special thing there ka? What ah?

Ahmad: There you see in The Star today.

Ah Seng: Aiyaaa! This one ka, I oso want to see this one with my family one. My children eveliday kacau me want to see but no need to go Sabah one. That is why my family going to Putrajaya for holiday.

The Implication

Samdol: Hey biol, what are you doing here selling air tebu? Why, you are helping someone out ka?

Biol: No la dol, I am doing this as part time job la.

Samdol: What! Part time job? You must be joking.

Biol: No Dol, this is for real.

Samdol: You know what's wrong with you?

Biol: What?

Samdol: You are simply too greedy la.

Biol: What do you mean greedy?

Samdol: You already have so much money and yet you are still looking for more.

Biol: No Dol, you got it wrong. Yes, I HAD so much but not anymore. I have sold off my Accord coz can't afford the instalments and I have sold the bungalow also because of the instalments.

Samdol: Why? They potong your gaji ka?

Biol: No they did worse than that, they don't give us overtime anymore.

Samdol: You mean all your wealth, is,, or rather was because of overtime?

Biol: Yes la Dol, my pay is just the same as any other government servant's but my overtime is, er, was fantastic but now no more.

Samdol: Oh I see, the economy must be really bad that even the government is cutting back on OTs.

Biol: No its not because of the economy, it's something else.

Samdol: Something else? Er, if you don't mind me asking, though we have been friends for sometime now but in which department do you actually work?

Biol: The MACC, Interogation department.

The Appeal

This Court hereby overturns the ruling made by the High Court on the 16th of November 2009

Dated

15 November 2009.

ALHAMDULILLAH

If my post "A Belated 30th Anniversary Present'' was a post written in jest and was meant as a swipe at the administrators of the country's billions, this post today is the real deal.

Yes, dear readers, today marks a milestone in my life, the life of a ordinary Malaysian teacher; the life of a typical Malaysian, but today makes this very ordinary Malaysian feel a little bit special. Alhamdulillah.

Exactly today 30 years ago I married my darling wife. Yes, 30 blissful years have passed and along with them we were responsible to add 3 new citizens to this country. I could say that I am lucky to not have many memories that I would rather forget. Alhamdulillah.

She is amazing really and I owe her a lot for 30 years of sheer joy. It's experiencing 30 years like this that makes me thank ALLAH I was born. Alhamdulillah.

Looking back over the years surely the birth of my 3 lovely angels were the highlight of my life followed of course by the countless days hours of sheer ecstatic joy. Alhamdulillah.

We have been a close knit family ever since we were a family. We still congregate on my bed in my little cosy bedroom, all the 5 of us, and tell stories, share experiences, make fun of each other, and I being the so-called Patriarch, am not spared. Alhamdulillah.

Though my children are all adults now, we still go out together a lot. Of course they have their own life to lead and I give them all the freedom to make their own decisions and to learn from their own mistakes which I am happy to say are not many and very far in between. Alhamdulillah.

Thank you ALLAH for blessing me with this wonderful woman for a wife and my 3 lovely babies. I must have done something good in life to deserve such a wonderful blessing from you. Alhamdulillah.

How I wished that I could see 30 more years of blissful life with her and them. InsyaAllah.

Immoral

The Star reported that leakage in government spending is so bad, that overpayment could reach RM28 billion this year and a few days after that someone said that CUEPACS's claim of bonus is immoral.

Phhhh! PKFZ, which puts millions into the pockets of those who already have millions is not immoral; asking for bonuses, which puts a minimum of 1K into the pockets of those who owe Bank Rakyat many years wages, just to live, is bloody immoral.

I wonder how much would a month's bonus cost the treasury? Surely it could not be 28 billion? Correct me if I am wrong, the term overpayment, as far as I know it, is something like paying 400 ringgit for a 100 ringgit table; paying 2 million per kilometer for a 500K per kilometer road; buying an aircraft for 100 million which other countries pay about 25 million or worse still paying 40K for a 3K computer.

Shit, after going through all of the above, I am convinced it is CUEPACS that is immoral. Why? Because, Utusan, Berita, NST, The Star, TV1,2,3,7 and 9 said so. Come on they can't be wrong. After all, they are institutions of high intergrity.

Oh yes, I wonder if travelling first class for a holiday in Disneyland with the extended family is not immoral (forgive the double negative).

A belated 30th Anniversary Present

The other day I saw an advert for an decent condo and it screamed 600K. Well I guess the amount's not too much to pay for a condo in hugely over-priced Penang. Anyway it has got a trully magnificent view of the sea and Penang Bridge and if I am lucky, with a good pair of scopes, on a bright moonlit night, I could spy on amorous couples doing contact yoga and practicing their Kamasutra positions behind some of the bushes overlooking the block.

I would really love to get my hands on a Honda Accord. No not the 3.0 machine, a simple 2.4 one would suffice but do you think 200 big ones could land me one of those mean machines? Anyway, I have budgeted a maximum of 200K for wheels. My 5 year old Proton Wira Aeroback is just too old for a Malaysian car.

Oh, I forgot, I budgeted a further 200K to furnish the Condo and get me another covered parking lot. I think I'll get me a 60" new-crazed LED TV and a good home theatre to watch all those sci-fi blue ray discs which I had long intended to buy. Yes, only originals would do. A few smaller LED tvs for the other rooms and some very comfortable sofas, and other needfuls and the extra covered parking lot would put the lid on my furnishing expenses.

A nice 2 week cruise cum holiday to nowhere for 7, first class all the way that is, would eat into my budget a bit but what the heck, you only live once.

I have also budgeted about up to 400K for a mini cinema which will screen reruns in the day time and porn at nights to ensure that I have enough money to pay for the service fee for the condo.

Whatever little left would be spent on brand new mobile phones, a good video camera and of course a high-end gaming desktop to play solitaire.

All in it would cost me about 1.5 million and at the current exchange rate, it is just nice. Now the biggest stumbling block would be how do I pay for all these in Ruppiahs because that's the amount the 500 Najib is giving us DG41 to DG54 servants of the people in January, would fetch.

Hopefully the Ruppiah does not pick up strength against the Ringgit, at least till after we get paid. I promised my wife a belated 30th anniversary present and now I am in the position to give her more. Anyway, my wife and  I would be celebrating our 30th anniversary on the 11th of November. You can send your gifts through the boss of the MACC who would vet them and certify clean and not meant to corrupt. Don't you know tackling corruption is an important theme of this year's budget?

The Expert.

Ah Chong: Good afternoon doc, long time no see, you must be very busy lately?

Doc: Yes la, even my wife is complaining, this inquest is taking up too much of my time la.

Ah Chong: Yes la doc, how come still not over yet? What's taking so long?

Doc: It should be over by now but those people want to bring in a foreign expert as if local experts are not good enough.

Ah Chong: But doc, I saw a programe in Astro about her and her works, she is good la.

Doc: I know she is good and experienced but this is a straight forward case. I could conduct the autopsy with my eyes closed.

Ah Chong: Well did you?

Doc: Did I what?

Ah Chong: Conduct the autopsy with your eyes closed?

Doc: No la that was a figure of speech only la, what I mean, is that the case is no big deal. One more thing, as much as I respect her, I think this time she got it wrong la. The other doctor and I concur on suicide and she comes to suggest that it was homicide.

Ah Chong: Maybe she saw something that you all did not see?

Doc: No, impossible, we scrutinised every inch of the body and the scene. We are also very experienced people la.

David: Dad, dad, come quick, come faster dad, its Rover, dad come quick dad.

Ah Chong: Hey that is my son David. Something must be very wrong, lets go see.

Doc: Yes la, he seems to bde in distress, lets go.

Ah Chong: What's wrong son, what happened? Oh noooooooo!  What happened to Rover? Where's his head?

David: Dad, Rover's dead dad, someone killed him. Look, they cut his head and hind legs off. Who could do such a thing dad? Oh no, Rover, Rover.

Ah Chong: Oh, God, Rover, why would anyone want to do such a thing to you?

Doc: Now, now, now. Ah Chong, David, compose yourselves. I am sad too with what happened.

Ah Chong: Doc, who could have done such a thing? Rover is such a good dog. He hardly barks at anyone, why would they want to do such a thing?

Doc: Let me see if I could find some clues that could help us find out what actually happened and who are the perpetrators of this hideous crime.

David: Please la uncle, please help us find out who did this.

Doc: Hmmm, hmmmmm, Huh! a machete, this must be the weapon used. See how fast I found the weapon? I am such an experienced man and still they want to bring in a Thai expert.

Ah Chong: Please la doc, leave the inquest alone and look into this. I want to know who did it. They killed him with my own machete. That machete is mine.

Doc: Don't worry Ah Chong, David. You can rest assured that I will get to the bottom of this. Hmmm, look at this trail here, it leads to the roof. Hah! I got it, my god, am I good or am I good. I have solved the case. Look here at this trail, it leads to the window of that room up there.

Ah Chong: Yes la doc, do you thing the killers got into the house and got into the room to kill Rover?

Doc: No, no, don't jump to conclusions. I have years of experience. This is how it all happened. Rover was chained near your garage right?

Ah Chong: Yes, just next to the garage.

Doc: You kept the machete in the store in your garage right?

Ah Chong: Yes, how do you know?

Doc: I am trained in all these remember. You see, from all the evidence that I gather here and I am 100 percent sure that Rover, broke loose from his chains, got into your garage and took out the machete. He then ran upstairs into that room and jumped down. On the way down, he used his front legs to sever both his hind legs and just before hitting the ground, he used the same legs to completely sever his head off. There you are. No need to blame anyone, it's SUICIDE.

HAPPY DEEPAVALI

TO ALL READERS OF THIS BLOG, ESPECIALLY THE HNDU READERS, I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO WISH YOU ALL A HAPPY AND BRIGHT DEEPAVALI. DRIVE HOME SAFELY YOU HEAR.

Sale

Wow, the British government, so desperately in need of money, is planning to sell state assets! This recession must be really bad for a once superpower with bank vaults all over the world to resort to asset off-loading to get cash. I wonder if the British civil-servants will be getting a bonus this year?

Hey, talking about bonuses, we in the civil service in this country have not been promised any bonus this year and come budget day, no one has been talking about the subject that got many civil servants tuned in to their local channels every year.

Do you seriously think civil-servants crowd round the tv set to know what fiscal strategy the government would be employing when the Finance Minister rattles on and on on Budget Day? Do you seriously thing that the Finance Minister actually knows what he is talking about when he rattles on on that day?

Do you seriously believe that civil servants cares if its going to be a balanced budget, a deficit budget or a surplus budget? Heck civil servants don't care. All they care about is that will there be a bonus for them come year end.

I don't blame them really because whatever gains acquired through all those pay revisions that they got has been taken care off by the local sundry shops and gas stations. In fact, all those revisions couldn't stop them from having a deficit budget of their own.

Okay so Big Mama's husband gave a RM500 bonus recently to non-graduate civil servants so what is the big deal. A boy in my school recently opened up his purse to show off RM100 so what is a RM250 x 2 bonus really worth?

Now let me give the government a lesson in economics. We could always copy others and today lets copy the British Government by stripping off state assets to give us civil-servants not just a 2 months bonus but also a 30 percent pay raise then we could all rush to the nearest stores to do our shopping and inject life once more to our fast sleeping shopping malls.

No, my plan doesn't involve selling assets of money making companies. I am thinking about letting off assets that have been lying idle and doing nothing good for the country and if you could count brains as assets then I would suggest that for starters we sell our cabinets ministers brains but then I don't think that is a good idea because all those brains would not fetch much.

So Malaysia what do you have to sell? Hah I know, lets start with the lake in Putrajaya. I know of some unemployed, no make it many unemployed graduates who are willing to start a cat fish rearing project and with the AFC channel on Astro being so popular, I heard the demand for duck meat is great so they could reserve a corner of the lake for duck rearing.

What about Gunung Kinabalu? If you charged 10000 climbers RM1000 each you would only get about 10 million and that amount wouldn't do much to even cover the cost of maintaining the mountain so why not sell it? Since we are so fond with getting our names in the Guinness Book of World Records, this transaction would surely make it into the book as the biggest structure ever sold.

I would also recommend the Rajang River, Fraser's Hill and the PKFZ but it would take too long to explain my justification so why not you readers recommend something because we really do need the bonus and pay raise soon and judging by the alarming death-rate of our MPs and ADUNs, I am sure the government is also interested in this money spinning initiative because buy-elections are not cheap you know.

Wait, wait, what about bank accounts?

The Return

Machaius: Hail, The Thane of Banus Pinangus, your humble servant bringeth heavenly news from the steps of Putrus Jayus.

Isaus: Speaketh, good servant, loyal warrior, for our heart raceth as fast as Hamiltus in Singapus. What tiding doth thou bringeth from the steps of Putrus Jayus that paints such joy in thy countenance?

Machaius: Rejoice oh Prince of Baganus for our delegation, after encountering the soldiers of the Villain Matus Hassanus fought so bravely that the Gods of Putrus Jayus was left without a choice but you oh Lord of the land Pinangus.

Isaus: Is it true these words that you say oh valiant servant of Baganus? Is it true that the soldiers of Hassanus hath surrendered?

Machaius: Yes, my Lord, as true as that Old Fool Kuttyus hailed from the sub-continent no matter how he denyeth. Once faced with our relentless onslaught and continued threats that Baganus Pinangus would be lost if my Lord is not picked, the Gods relented much to the dismay of the of the weakling Hassanus who ran to sulk at the laps of the scrawny Kuttyus.

Isaus: Rejoice, my servants, rejoice for We, the Lord of Baganus Pinangus will reign once more. Go, go seek which parcel of land in this Land of Nine, thou desireth for thou deserveth it.

Machaius: My Lord, your humble servant wants very little for himself because his effort is to see that my Lord once more sits on the Throne that rightly belongeth to him, the Throne that was untimely robbed from him by the teacherous old lepers of the Disciplinary Committee. If it pleaseth my Lord could thy humble servant ask for an insignificant parcel of land of only 5 hectares each for each of his 15 children, 3 wives, 4 brothers, 3 sisters one mother, one father, 3 mothers-in-law and 3 fathers-in-law?

Isaus: What?, Parcels so small for my valiant warrior? Go, scour the Land of Nine and take whatever they desireth for thy Lord The Great Isaus Thane of Baganus Pinangus is back.

What Sponsorsip?

Wow! We are not only hosting F1 races, we are actually going to have our own cars participating in these races and if we learned fast enough, which I am sure we would, we could even do some crash stunts just to decide the outcome of some races.

Now, not bad eh, we could be the hired killers of the F1 races. If Renault is afraid that Ferrari would win they could always approach the 1Malaysia team and we could arrange for a certain Epol to drive one of our machines and at a crucial time he would apply the brakes and screams in ecstasy as the Ferrari driver rams into his butt.

Now with a strategy like that we really don't have to go looking for big sponsors do we? I mean if Epol's butt got a little bit too sore from the ramming we could always get the old pro AA.

No I am just kidding you, we do need some serious sponsorship coz the coitus interruptus of a PM said that the treasury aint gonna put in any money into this. No, they aint gonna sponsor this coz they have plenty of 1km long kampung roads to build at RM1 million a piece and Bagan Pinang needs to resurface that stretch of kampung road that they had just finished resurfacing yesterday.

Since participating in these races is going to cost a bomb and all the C4s were used up, where do we go looking for money without the people screaming? I mean, if you were to get Petronas to sponsor, the people aint gonna be too happy; If you get MAS to sponsor then where would MAS find the money to pay their staff? The same goes to all GLCs.

Not to worry, I heard Tony has got a whole line of sponsors ready and come race day, Epol and AA would gleefully grease up their arses for some much overdue whackings.

I heard they are going to pass a law that all vehicles badly battered up in road accidents, and thank god we have plenty of them, would be handed to the 1Malaysia team to build new machines. I am also told that Proton has promised to donate 20 percent of their stockpile of Milo tins to this cause.

Fung Keong has graciously agreed to donate their rubber scraps from their shoe factories to make tyres. Kayu Nasi Kandar has come in with a sponsorship deal to feed the crew all year round thanks to the cheap purchase of raw materials they got from a closed Nasi Kandar joint in Perth Australia.

Allagapa's would be paying quite a lot to have their name on the mufflers and Pulau Aman Belacan would be prominently carried on the driver's helmet.

At the time of typing this post, I heard 3 groups of Ah Longs are killing each other to get their names on the right door and the morgues in KL, Johore and Penang are filled to testify to this. The right door would carry a certain lawyers catch phrase "Corect, Correct Correct, The System Fixer" and I heard he got the space for a song. The song is Please Release Me by Engelbert Humperdick.

Well that's all for today folks, until I get further updates, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Revised, Improved and Humane

I knew it, these people are not all that bad. Somewhere in that smelly chest cavity there is a heart. They have promised to do it and now they have shown that they are serious about it. They have proven that their promise is not merely lip-service.

Yes, soon they are taking to Parliament and spanking new ISA and since they are the majority I am sure it would be passed albeit with a little bit of noise from the opposition.

I heard, its going to be radical, very-very improved and definitely humane. being privy to the content of the revision I am all too happy to divulge the contents of the revise act.

1. Only an Inspector and above could arrest.

2. A detainee must be transported by a Proton Waja or above. No kancils or Black Marias.

3. The arresting officer must cover the steel ring of the handcuff with a handkerchief so as not to hurt the detainee.

4. A detainee will be fed thrice a day and an extra meal on public holidays.

5. Ketupat and rendangs must be served on Hari Rayas,  roast turkeys during Christmas, banana leaf rice during deepavalis and Dim Sum during Chinese New Years.

6. Family members will be allocated an extra 5 minutes during visits.

7. Detainees will be allowed to watch the Chua DVD every weekend and the Viji tapes every Wednesdays.

8. Detainees would be allowed a 10 minute karaoke session every month.

9. During interrogations, detainees must be given made in Singapore chewing gum.

10. All interrogators must smile during interrogations.

12. All interrogation sessions must not last more than 23 hours and 45 minutes.

13. Cells must be bright and pleasant with portraits of smiling Cabinet members adorning the walls.

Priority

Press Statement

We have finished our investigations into the PKFZ affairs and are glad to announce that the MACC has found no evidence of wrongdoings in any of the dealings. In fact, it was found that everything was done very transparently. All dealings were done in accordance to the law.

As from today the MACC has d4ecided to close the files in the PKFZ affairs. As for the complaint lodged against the former Menteri Besar of Selangor, after exhaustive and very thorough investigations, the MACC also found no irregularities in his trip to Disneyland, and his purchase of the small landed detached hut. We found that all dealings were conducted above board. We would also like to congratulate the former menteri Besar for being a clean and incorruptible leader.

The MACC would also advise the former Menteri Besar to lodge a report against those who had intentionally tried to sully his impeccable image. If such a report is made, we would personally request the police to hand over the investigations over to us and we will conduct a thorough investigation, as thorough as the investigation in the TBH case.

We would also like to inform the general public that we have begun investigations into the Open House of the Selangor Pakatan Rakyat Government. Initial investigations have unearthed the following very serious inrregularities.

1. The Open House started 10 minutes early and ended half an hour late.

2. Exco members were believed to have also eaten food meant for the public.

3. Cordials served were not sweet enough and paper cups and plates used were not made from recycle materials.

4. The female singer performing was found to be scantily dressed. We have photographs that show her exposed ankles.
 
5. No Penans from Sarawak were invited. We believe this is done to sabotage the PM's 1Malaysia campaign.

6. 3 curry puffs were found to be 2 mm shorter and 1 gm lighter than the what is in the invoice.

7. All curries were cooked using Alagappa's curry powder instead of Adabi. This is an act to sabotage Bumiputra businesses.

8. The lawn was not properly mowed. The grass was found to be 3cm longer than the permissible height.

9. The MB did not change his Baju Melayu every hour as is required by National protocol.

10. None of the waiters and waitresses employed could speak German, Spanish, Russian, French and Italian which would put us in bad light in the eyes of European tourists.

11. Guests were allowed to have second helpings which is a waste in current hard times.

12. Irregularities in the invoices where many 'T's were not properly crossed and 'I's not properly dotted.

In view of this serious development, we hope to be able to complete our investigations soon and a final finding would be announced on the 29th of September in Bagan Pinang, Negeri Sembilan.

This post is inspired by Bakaq - Penarik Beca's post here

One Helluva Raya

Ever since my suddenly illness about 2 months ago, I have been quite careful with what I eat. I don't know though how long this will last. Anyway, if last year we had dry mutton curry, mutton dalca, beef rendang and chicken, this year its only chicken.

I have been avoiding red meat. No, I did not abstain from red meat completely but, to not make me gobble up, we (the kids and the missus) decided not to cook any.

This morning, breakfast was just ketupat and 'ayam masak cabai'. Don't be fooled by the 'masak cabai' part because it was not hot at all. I can't take spicy hot stuff because of my gastric problem. I know I should abstain from ketupat pulut and maybe just take Capatis or Roti Benggali instead, but common, give me a break man, raya comes only once a year and I am not the kind who celebrate it the whole month. I celebrate only for one day and then its back to normal.

After the usual sembahyang raya ritual, before we headed to my brother in law's place, we had a family photo taken. Actually it was many photos coz my daughters are both photo freaks.

Early on, it was just a mundane raya. After the visit to my bro in law's house, we went over to my sister in law's house spending about only half an hour at each, then it was back home and that was raya for me, or so I thought.

In the evening, though, things started to heat up. Blogger Razlin of Attack of The Skym! came over. Actually my sister and her family from Shah Alam came first and a few minutes after that Razlin arrived. We were just about to warm up with talk on the present political situation when my brother from Taiping with his 5 grown up children came over together with the family of my late brother complete with grandchildren.

Now this is what I call RAYA. With family and friends around, it was a riot. Razlin left but not before updating me on his latest project. He truly is a sweet young man, very respectful to elders. I must congratulate his parents for bringing him up, right.

Then it was more politics with my nephew from UMNO also in attendance flanked by me and my brother in law from Shah Alam who are both hardcore opposition people and my brother who leans more towards the opposition.

Well, anyway, we chatted busily but with our eyes always on the clock coz the Manchester Derby was the main attraction of the night. My eldest daughter, a Manchester United diehard had to follow her husband, a Liverpool freak, to her in laws in in Parit Buntar so she wasn't around for the match but she kept connected with us with every goal scored and there were 7 last night.

My son and youngest daughter who are also Manchester United fanatics kept me company. We were vocally supported by my 2 Man Utd loving nephews from Shah Alam and my brother. My brother in law was the odd one out. Sad to say, some people do make poor choices like supporting the scousers from the land of The Beatles.

Anyway the match was actually the highlight of the Hari Raya yesterday. We stopped for some ketupat at the half time whistle and when Owen scored the winner in the 96th minute, I could have sworn the roof almost caved in. Wow! What a raya.

Anyway these are some from this year's raya raya album. Until next time, have a good time ya hear.

The whole family.

Come the 11th of November we would be celebrating our 30th anniversary.

The original family minus the scouser lover. No, the missus is not into football but we gave her a team: Newcastle.

Selamat Hari Raya

To all Muslims, Selamat Hari Raya Idil Fitri Maaf Zahir dan Batin.
Drive carefully and we meet again after Hari Raya.


Kartu Penuh Hikmah Alhabib

Perbahasan

Di Persidangan MIC baru-baru ni, perwakilan berbahas dengan spirit 1Malaysia. Semua bersetuju berbahas dalam pantun sebab nak memertabatkan Bahasa Malaysia.

Perwakilan 1
Saya manyak jauh, Dublin Estate jugak mari
Sini mari meeting mau kasi kuat itu MIC
MIC bole mati kalu tadak itu Samy Datok Siri
Kalu dia mati kasi ganti sama Vel Paari

Satu worang tua paper dalam ada kata
Dia kata saya punya Datok Siri manyak celaka
Dia kata Datok Siri tadak buat kerja
Saya rasa mau gantong selipar dia punya dada

Perwakilan 2
Apa pasai mau marah sama itu worang tua
Memang butol itu Datuk Siri manyak celaka
Dulu miskin muka surupa macam kera
Isekarang satu family sudah kaya raya

Itu Subramaniam baik punya worang
Sini sana dia kirja siang malam
Itu Mica punya duit dia tadak kasi hilang
Sama dia saya manyak sayang

Perwakilan 3
Cit, cit apa ada guna ini Samy sama Subra
Dua, dua cakap saja manyak tapi tadak kirja
Saya punya mata saya ada nampak satu calon saja
Ini MIC punya dalam kasi Sothi jadi Raja

Itu Sothi suda lama saya ada kawan
Sama Samy pun dia ada berani lawan
Kalu MIC punya dalam dia sudah tawan
Gerantee Najib sama Sothi bule minum kopi satu cawan,

Perwakilan 4,
Saya tadak puduli isekarang saya manyak marah
Sumua ini pemimpin surupa saja cekek darah
India punya worang dalam estate jugak hidup susah
Itu pemimpin siang malam minum, enjoy pooodah,

Isekarang saya mau tau berapa wang Samy ada
Subra sama Sothi, Palanivel pun surupa juga
Dia worang punya duit sumua kasi jumla
Sama manyak sama sumua worang India punya juga

Perwakilan 5
Sumua worang jangan cepat marah mari
Relaks relaks juga kasi manyak senang hati
Isekarang sumua cakap manyak panas macam api
Nanti kopi duit dapat diam macam takot bini

Saya cadang ini macam sama sumua ahli MIC
Ini parti kasi tutop kasi bunoh sampai mati
Isekarang kita balik pigi jumpa anak bini
Esok ramai-ramai join UMNO di PWTC

Datuk Siri ada cakap.

Reporter: Datuk, apa komen Datuk tentang peluang "President's Men" dalam pemilihan party yang akan datang ini?

DS: Ehem, ehem, please ah, saya Datok Siri tau bukan Datok saja. itu Datok Siri sikit atas pada itu Datok tau. Lain kali sikit kasi baca saya punya biodata tau jangan jadi surupa itu wartawan tatau Karpal Singh apa party mari. Wokey, Saya punya calon-calon sumua bagos punya worang tuntu minang punya. Dia worang tadak surupa itu Subra punya worang, tadak kelas punya.

Reporter: Jadi DS confident, orang-orang DS akan menang?

DS: Sudah tuntu minang punya. Saya misti kasi menang punya. Surupa hari hari itu matahari sana timur punya dekat ada naik punya, tuntu minang.

Reporter: Tapi Dr. M ada buat kenyataan yang nampaknya tidak menyokong DS? Tidak kah ini akan mempengaruhi minda perwakilan?

DS: Dr M? Sapa itu Dr.M? Dr Muniandy ka? Apa dia itu Tohan ka? Saya sapa? Saya Samy, surupa Tohan jugak la itu Samy. Apa pasai dia mau tarok dia punya busar punya hidong dalam saya punya party punya hal? Saya tau dia India jugak mari tapi apa pasai dulu dia tamau join MIC? Apa pasai dia join UMNO? Sudah join UMNO jaga UMNO punya hal la. Jangan kasi campor MIC punya hal. Busuk punya orang tua.

Reporter: Tapi mungkin kah kenyataan Dr M akan mempengaruhi perwakilan nanti?

DS: Cit cit cit, tadaaaak la. Itu perwakilan sumua tau sapa itu Dr M? Orang sakit perot pun dia tak bole kasi ubat apa punya Dr ini? Dr ayam ka? Itu perwakilan sumua tau Dr M tadak bikin apa pun sama worang India ini negeri punya dalam, dia worang sumua binci sama itu Dr M. Dia worang sumua manyak sayang sama saya jugak. Mana saja saya pigi, dia worang menjerit, Samy, Samy, Samy, we love you. Saya manyak haru biru sudah jadi saya punya jantong. Dia worang manyak sayang sama saya. Apa macam saya punya worang bole kalah ini macam kalu?

Reporter: Tapi DS sendiri kalah di Sungai Siput?

DS: Dei mana saya ada kalah sana? Saya tadak minang, bukan saya kalah. Saya tadak minang pasai itu worang sudah manyak marah sama itu Pa Lah. Pa Lah punya pasai saya tadak minang. Kisian sama saya. Manyak India punya worang manyak sideh saya tadak minang. Ada yang sudah jadi gila dan ada yang dia sindiri punya diri sudah kasi bunoh. Tengok dia worang ada manyak sayang sama saya.

Reporter: Ada laporan yang mengatakan yang dulu ada seorang telah menipu dalam pemilihan party dengan mencuri 30 undi Subra yang menyebabkan kemenangan DS.

DS: Lu bole picaya ka itu cirita? Tadak la, mana ada. Actually, dia ada curi saya punya wundi itu pasai saya sudah sikit miss mau kalah tapi itu Tohan atas sana mau kasi saya minang jugak. Jangan picaya ini punya cakap sumua, apa pasai isekarang baru mau cakap. kalu itu kertas wundi bole hidop dia sudah ada cucu la. Cit itu cirita lama la, sudah busuk punya. Tamau cakap la itu lama punya cirita.

Reporter: Apa komen Datuk tentang kemelut dalm MCA sekarang?

DS: Aisay, apa pasai tanya sama saya ini worang punya cirita? Nanti dia worang cakap saya sudah tangan sudah campor dia worang punya hal punya dalam, tapi ah, saya mau kasi tau sama lu ah, ini woff the record la, tamau kasi cirita sama lain worang la, saya rasa itu MCA sudah mau jatoh la. Itu Tee Keat sudah mau mati la, tadak surupa MIC, manyak kuat punya party, tak bole goncang punya. Tamau kasi print ah? Okay saya manyak kirja ada.

Reporter: Last question DS, apa peluang BN dalam PRK Bagan Pinang?

DS: Cit, apa bodoh punya soalan mau tanya. Itu undi pos tengok la, ta payah tanya punya.

Detailed Description

At long last they have agreed to be serious about the matter. Thank God for common sense. At last the Penan people, especially, the women folks, are getting some justice. If you read here, you could see how serious the cops are but of course they do need some help to nab those itchy dicks.

All they are asking for are detailed information about those itchy dicks. Now that is not asking too much I think. Hmm I wonder how they would conduct the report. Could it be something like this?

Cop: Okay describe the man whom you claimed to have sexually assaulted you.

Girl: He is not so tall, he err

Cop: What not so tall? Tell me exactly how tall is he. In centimeters .

Girl: I don't know exactly how tall and I don't know what centimeters are.

Cop: You shout here and there that you are raped but you can't describe the rapist. How am I going to help you.

Girl: Sorry sir, next time I will carry a measuring tape every time I walk in the jungle so that I could measure how tall the man is while he is screwing me. Do you want me to measure how long his dick is and maybe the circumference of his balls too?

Cop: Waa, you kurang ajar huh. Okay how heavy is he, exactly how many kilos to the nearest 2 decimal points.

Girl: I don't know how heavy he is but rest assure on my way home I will buy a weighing scale because I am sure when I enter the jungle I would be raped so I would request that the rapist weigh himself first. Do you want his weight with or without clothes sir?

Cop: You are trying to be funny with me ah? What's his name?

Girl: That too I don't know sir, but I think I will have to add a portable photostat machine to the weighing scale and measuring scale that I have to buy so that while he is humping me, I could sneak into his wallet and get his IC and photocopy it.

Cop: I'll slap you if you try to be funny with me again.

Girl: Well what else is new? Don't you want to outdo your friends and throw me out of the window?

Cop: Don't test my patience. How many times have you been raped and what are the days and times.

Girl: Now I have to add a punch card machine to my list of purchase.

Cop: Don't be cocky and answer me.

Girl: Too many times that I have lost count and at no fix time.

Cop: You are not cooperating with me. You have not given me any information so how the hell am I going to be able to help you?

Girl: Why don't you take us victims under protection to their place where we can point them out to you. It can't get any more detailed than that.

Cop: Are you trying to teach me how to do my work?

Girl: No sir, just a suggestion but then I am sure you must have thought about it already since you are a very clever person. What else would you like to know sir? How many strokes did each rape last? The exact colour of his semen? Maybe you would also like me to furnish you his academic qualification, what political party he is a member of and whether his mother had cheated on his father before?

The Invitation

Invitation

We learnt from the press and are very happy to note that you chose not to meddle into our party's internal affair. Only great visionary leaders would take and make public such a stand. Thank you sir.

We would also like to prove to all party members and the public on the whole that we are not a bunch of committee members who act according to our whims and fancies.

We hereby extend this invitation to discuss the sacking and the impact it would have on the party. We promise to adhere to anything that you would recommend for we believe you are a wise leader.

Below is the programe for the meeting.

Date: 30-08-09
Place: Bangsar Hard Rock Cafe
Time: 10.00pm

10.00pm: Secretary's speech
12.00pm: President's speech and briefing
4.00am : Discussion
4.05am : Meeting ends.

Once again we would like to reiterate that we are solidly behind you and your policies.

Yours Sincerely

.................................
Secretary General

Flat Tyre

Lawyer: When they were questioning him, did you notice if anyone had been rough to him?

Witness: No, because I did not see them questioning him.

Lawyer: Why?

Witness: You see, its like this, the night before that, while I was driving home from work, I had a flat tyre. When I checked, I realised that I didn't have an inflated spare so I took the deflated spare and rolled it for about 5kms to the nearest petrol station to inflate it. Then I rolled it back to the car and after changing the flat I was already very tired. When I reached home, my wife was waiting for me with a broom. She accused me of coming home after enjoying myself. We had a big quarrel that night and I couldn't sleep till morning. Then suddenly it was already time to go to work. When I reached the office I was already dead tired. I worked till night and was asked to look over the investitigation. When the officers were investigating I fell asleep so I did not know what happened.

Lawyer: Thanks for the long story but since, as you said, you were very tired, why did you not inform your superiors and get a replacement.

Witness: I can't, because just the week before I told them the same story to be excused from duty. If I were to tell them that the same thing had happened, they wouldn't believe me.

Lawyer: Why are you afraid to tell them since it is the truth?

Witness: Because I had told that story 6 times before.

Lawyer: So you have a habit of having flat tyres in the middle of the night and each time your spare tyre was deflated?

Witness: Yes, I don't know why it always happens to me.

Lawyer: I put it to you that you are lying. You saw him being roughed up and beaten.

Witness: No he was not beaten up.

Lawyer: How do you know since you said you were asleep.

Witness: If they had beaten him up he would surely have made noise and surely I could have heard it.

Lawyer: But your story suggested that you did not get any sleep the night before and that you had to walk for 10 kilometers rolling tyres and then had to work the whole day into the night, surely you must have slept like a log.

Witness: Yes, la, but if they had beaten him, surely he would have screamed and shouted "I did not do it, I did not do it, don't beat me please, I have my rights".

Lawyer: How do you know that that would be his words and not just screams of pain?

Witness: From experience, many others would screamed like that la.

Lawyer: From experience? You mean beatings were meted out on others before this?

Witness: No la, I mean I saw this type of beatings in Hindi movies and the victims would scream something like that la.

Lawyer: You are a liar, you expect us to believe you? The cctv shows you walking about at 2 in the morning.

Witness: Yes, la I was very tired, I must have been walking in my sleep. I always do that when I am tired.

Lawyer: Are you tired now?

Witness: Yes, last night I had a flat tyre and did not sleep after quarelling with my wife.

Lawyer: So are you awake now or are you talking in your sleep?

Yes, the memories came flooding back.

I was facebooking around if there was such a word, this morning when I decided to go to Muki's page. Muki or Mokhtiar Singh was and I hope still is a member of the JACHFRINS group, now of course minus CHF, may Allah bless their souls. Funny though, his pet name is no more Muki, it is now Mok. I think he changed it to Mok eversince he married Mindy, but that is another story.

No, it is not the JACHFRINS that this post is written about, but then knowing how notorious I am about going haywire when I write, I may just end up giving it more than just a mention. There I go again.

Well anyway, at Muki's page I saw that he was a member of a group called the High School group. I didn't waste anytime. The click on the link was met with this.


Oh man, my old High School badge. The school motto quickly came back to me. ACCOMPLISH OR DO NOT BEGIN. Of course the one on the badge was in Latin. Let me see. Hold on guys, I got to go back to the group's page to get the Latin words. Yeap I got it. it's AUT COEPISSE NOLI AUT CONFICE. I got this from the High School page, if something is wrong then don't blame me.

The memories came flooding back. Shit man, how I miss those school days. No, I wasn't a terror, definitely not a nerd, not an athelete and my teachers would die laughing if anyone were to say I was a bookworm, nope, sorry to dissapoint you, I was just a average student, as average as average could be.

I was in average classes, getting average or below average scores. Only played rugby and cricket for Colin King house. I was too average to play for the school. The only non-average thing about me while in school was my participation in anything musical.

I think I have written about this somewhere in my earlier post but, since this is the only good thing I have to say about me, so why not. In form 1, I was very active. Was the 1st speaker for the Colin King House form 1 debating team and we came out champions. Got 3 first prizes in the talentime competitions and was the class choir conductor and we came out second in the form one competitions.

I represented BM in a choir competition. Our boys and the BM Convent girls had a mixed team. I was one of the 4 boys accompanying the team on guitars.

I was in the school band and we performed at a few public functions, one in a particular, on a 24 hour's notice.

Okay what else, hmmm, oh okay academically I was just average. I only managed to get an academic prize when I came out best student for English Literature in my form 5.

I have another achievement that I am very proud of. I was, as far as I could remember, the only student allowed to opt out of taking maths for the MCE. I personally approached my headmaster (we call them headmasters in those days) and managed to persuade him to allow me to drop maths. Why? Okay, if you were a headmaster and a student comes into your office with an application to drop maths and he showed you his report card

Form 4:
1st progress Test: 0 - F9
2nd progress Test: 0 - F9
Mid Year : 2 - F9
Final: 5 - F9

Form 5:
1st progress Test: 1 - F9

After seeing the above, would you approve his application? I would, and I would kiss him for doing it.

One thing that struck me was that, in those days we were fiercely patriotic to our school something I find conspicously missing in my students today.

Heck!Iin those days, we were willing to fight to defend our Houses good name but nowadays, pupils approach us teachers to change House.

Okay, since I am average, there is nothing much an average guy could write that is new, so I stop here, maybe on another day I'll tell about how I peeped at a boy masturbating in the school toilet.

RAMADHAN AL MUBARAK

To all Muslim readers my family and I would like to wish you all


SALAM RAMADHAN AL MUBARAK

Happy Birthday Meiji

This article is written late in the day not because of failure of the memory but rather fatigue of the body. Today I spent about 5 hours at the hospital for my follow-up checkup and everything is fine.

Today my eldest, Marziah, is 29. Wow she is already 29 and soon would be hitting the 30s.

Happy Birthday Meiji, Ba and Mama loves you alot.

It's Arsenal or Chelsea this season.

I am not one to throw in the towel early but something in me says that this year will not be Manchester United's year. No, it's not because of Ronaldo not being around and neither is it because of the absence of Carlos Tevez.

There are 2 main reasons for this pessimistic assessment of Man U's chances this year. First the defence is just not rock solid as it was before. Both Ferdinand and Vidic will miss many games due to injuries and the replacements are just not up to mark.

The other teams have mastered how to play united and their use of the 4-5-1 system effectively shuts out Man U's midfield.

Ferguson made a mistake by not buying defenders. he still has time to get at least 2 good defenders, failing which, my prophesies will come true.

After just 2 games, I got this feeling deep in my gut that the race for the BPL this season would be between Arsenal and Chelsea with me in favour of Arsenal.

I also see the emergence of Tottenham Hotspurs and maybe Manchester City to give the top teams a run for their money. I wouldn't be surprised if Spurs would occupy top 3 positions.

The Story

I hate it when you people start hitting on innocent people. Really that is what got me writing in the first place. I simply hate it when people accuse someone of doing something that he/she did not do.

Come on la you guys, give the man a break la. His boss already said it what, what else you people want? His boss has stated in no uncertain term that he was disbarred for the sins of his partner so what could the guy do man.

Actually you should pity him la, not go on telling lies about him. You don't know the whole story but I do and I was filled with tears after hearing his most unfortunate story. Kesian dia la.

Actually it all happened on a dark and stormy night. There was no power because the TNB guy forgot to feed kerosene to their generators. The roads were as dark as the Chinese Kong Si Sua in Penanti.

Suddenly a cold gust blew into the kampung where Pak Manap was living. The small flame of the only lighted kerosene lamp died as the gust darkens the whole house.

Mak Minah, Pak Manap's bed-ridden sister screamed as she was afraid of the dark. You see she was raped in her sleep once when eaxactly the same thing happened. The village JKKK chairman did it to her, but then again, that is annother story.

 Pak Manap scrambled to find the lighter to light the lamp but he couldn't make out shit from tempe in that kind of darkness. As he was groping around he felt something. He was afraid because it could be one of his nieces that he had accidentally fondled. He immediately pulled his hand away fearing that he could have done a JJ on the young girl.

Pak Manap was perspiring cold sweat. He did not want to end up like JJ the groper and be banished to the the land that held his idol Datuk Shahrukh Khan.

Still shaken from thinking that he could have done something very wrong, his hand suddenly felt a small package just next to his thighs. Without any light he felt the package and wondered. Then it struck him that it could be black magic.

Yes, it must be a charmed package thrown into his house to disrupt the lives of his harmonius family. Quickly, without thinking anymore, he grabbed the package and made his way to the the window, opened it and threw the package into the nearby river running just next to his house.

The next morning, Pak Manap was rudely awakened by a piercing scream. The scrambled up to see that his niece was running high and low screaming and shouting about a package. He calmed her down and explained what he had done to the package.

To make the story short, the package contained quite a lot of money. The niece who was working for a law firm, was keeping the money to be given to a certain client of the firm.

To make the story even shorter, she was in deep shit. How was she ever going to explain it to her boss? Anyway, at the meeting everyone was silent. The boss was hitting his head against the wall, another clerk who had no nails left was biting into her fingers and the tea-lady was tying a rope to the fan with a noose in her neck. The law firm was in danger. The boss was in danger of loosing his licence to practice and the others were seeing their rice-bowl rudely snatched away from them.

Suddenly, the gloom in the room was greeted with a stunning light show, when in came Mr. S. the junior partner of the firm. No one could explain how a gloomy atmosphere had suddenly changed into one of a parade. There was even music playing in the ears of all present.

Okay to spare you guys the boredom, the junior partner after having heard that the company was in dire need of a saviour, decided to be one himself. Yes, the angel offered to carry the blame just so that the company would remain and his boss would not be disbarred and the others would one day laugh and call his sacrifice a stupid thing to do.

Yes, he was an agel sent by God to save the company and the lives of the boss and the girl who was incidentally sleeping with the boss every other night. Shit if only that cold gust had blown one night earlier, all these would not have happened.

So you see, he was innocent. He had sacrificed his own licence just to save others and you people go out screaming bloody murder.

Come on guys, stop it, and to show that you are sorry, vote for him.

The Remedy

Ahmad: Oi, Kassim, where to?

Dollah: To the doctor la.

Ahmad: Why what's wrong with you? I thought the other day you told me you were going to the doctor also. Why your problem not settled ka?

Dollah: Not settled yet la.

Ahmad: Why, what's the matter really?

Dollah: The last time, after doing extensive tests, they said they found nothing wrong with me la.

Ahmad: Well that must be good news, if I were you I would be jumping.

Dollah: I know, I should be happy but I am so depressed la. I am 40 with a good job and a beautiful family but somehow I feel really down la.

Ahmad: I think I know what's bugging you la and I know just the remedy, come here bzzz bzzzzbzzz bzzzbzzzzbzz bzz bzzzz bzzzbzz.

Dollah: Really ka? I am so desperate I'd try anything la.

(3 months)

Ahmad: Hai Dollah, you surely are looking good compared to the last time I met you.

Dollah: Yes, la Ahmad and I have you to thank for, in fact lets go for lunch right now, any hotel, on me.

Ahmad: Waa! So good ah the remedy?

Dollah: In fact the moment I got the reply and saw that I am accepted as a YOUTH member, I felt so young again at least for another 5 years. Hidup Samy Velu

I don't want to do it la.

Teacher: Tuan Pengetua, I want to stop investigating all disciplinary cases for a while la. I cannot tahan lagi la.

Pengetua: But cikgu, that is your job, part of your responsibility in this school is to investigate all these.

Teacher: I know la but the students don't want to cooperate with me. They call me me names all. Who can tahan like that. They say I am not fair.

Pengetua: That is part of the job cikgu, you should know, you are not new in this business. Okay who are the ones doing these to you?

Teacher: Those form 3 boys suspected of smoking la. The other cases no problem but the smoking cases always give me headaches la. Okay cikgu, I'll investigate the holding hands cases, not doing homework cases and not bringing books to school cases, they are easy to prove.

Pengetua: The other serious cases?

Teacher: Those I don't want to do.

Pengetua: You are being paid to do a job so you should do it, otherwise you makan gaji buta la like that? Okay I'll deduct part of your salary for not wanting to do some of your work. Is that okay with you?

Teacher: Where can like that.

Pengetua: Then stop acting like this fellow and go do your job, all of them. Wait a minute, I smell something fishy here. One of the form 5 smoker boys is your nephew right? Many of the form 5 smokers are his friends right? So when you blame the non cooperation of the form 3 suspected smokers to stop investigation in smoking cases, you are actually trying to help the form 5 smokers under investigation right?

Teacher: Hey where got like that, where got form 5 smokers in this school? I have investigated all the form 5 suspects and found non of them guilty la, the form 3 smokers are trying to frame the form 5 boys la. No la, no such thing.

Pengetua: Are you sure?

So that's how he did it?. (It's not old story to me)

Boss: Hey Minah, you all have pot luck ka today?

Minah: Yes, boss, come la help yourself.

Boss: Don't mind if I do, I am quite hungry myself. Waah! Got soto ka? Err, Minah, can you pack some soto and give to Ahmad to send to my house. Kesian la my wife at home. She's not well so she can't go out to buy food. Ahh, pack some drinks and that satay and ketupat and the mee hoon also can ah?

Minah: Sure boss, no problem.

Timah: Why he asked you to pack again ka?

Minah: Sure la. Luckily they are going for dinner hosted by Mr. Tan tonight, otherwise, he will double the bungkus la.

Boss: Waa, sembang-sembang or talking about me?

Minah: No, la where got talking about you? Eer, you asked me to remind you about the dinner at Mr. Tan's boss.

Boss: Yes, la, call Dollah for me please.

Dollah: Yes, boss?

Boss: Remember tonight I have dinner at Mr. Tan's. Can you borrow a suit and an evening dress from your sister's boutique?

Dollah: Sure boss.

Boss: Err, Dollah, have the donations for the kg fire come in yet?

Dollah: Yes, boss, baru sampai and don't worry, as usual I have gone through the clothes bundle and got some good ones for you and your missus.

Boss: Shoes got or not? This pair I am wairing is from the Tsunami bundle la, look and see for some good ones.

Dollah: Sure boss, no problem.

Boss: Err Dollah, have you collected all the surat khabar lama from our offices? The surat khabar lama man is coming today. Don't cheat me ah, I am sure got 5 hundred kilos one. Err Dollah where is the money you got for selling the leftovers from yesterday's tea-party? Remember, 70-30.

Dollah: Aiya boss, I'll never cheat you la. The leftovers from yesterdays jamuan was sold for 17.40. And the surat khabar lama sale is RM200.

Boss: What 17.40? I saw got so much karipap and meehoon and syrup left?

Dollah: Yes, la boss got plenty of karipap and meehoon left but we sell secondhand la boss, where can sell new?

Timah: Hey, Minah, why is boss so kedekut one ah? His gaji so much one but everything he wants free.

Minah: I also don't know la Timah. If my husband got salary like his ah, I sure go shopping everyday la. Do you know that if they don't have official dinners, they will visit their neighbours during dinner time?

Boss: Minah! Get Mr. Yap on the line for me.

Minah: Okay boss.

Boss: I say Mr. Yap, how are you today? Fine ka? Good good, so how about my offer? The best I could give is 2 la.

Yap: Cannot la boss, you give 5.1 okay la, that one also I lose a lot la.

Boss: I have saved 2 by not spending a single sen of my salary. Can you get me a bank that can loan me 3.1?

Yap: Okay, no problem. Waa, you lucky la, that bungalow costs 24 you know? Err anyway, if you take loan, how to pay?

Boss: Save some more la. This time I ask the orphanage serve extra for lunch and the Old Folks, extra for Dinner. As for breakfast, I always eat free here.

Forced break.

I am very sorry to those who wrote comments to my last post because I could not answer their comments. You see, on Monday, I was admitted into the GH Penang for a minor stroke.

The doctor and even Doc, Tokasid told me that it was a warning and that I should be more careful with what I consume and also inhale.

Anyway, yesterday evening I was discharged

I'll be taking a few days break from writing but I would still be reading blogs thoughl. I just need to rest a bit.

So to my visitors, sorry if there aren't any new postings this 1 week or so. You take care and don't do what I wouldn't do.

Good, but it could be better.

Big Boss: I would say the operation yesterday was a success but there is plenty of room for improvement. You guys just missed it la. Like this how to get our KPI up?

Boss: But BB, I thought we did well, the demonstrators got nowhere near the Istana.

Big Boss: I did not not say you handled it poorly, all I wanted was that you did it better. You could have handled it better, that's all.

Boss: Please la BB, what else do you want from us?

Big Boss: Look at all these pictures. Tell me what's wrong with them. Tell me what is missing from them? Look closely.

Boss: Okay what BB, this one shows my men cuffing them. This one shows one being pinned to the road, this one shows them running helter-skelter, what else do you one?

Big Boss: Oh how I miss the last reformasi demo. Back them we beat them blue black la. There was blood la. Look at these, no blood la. What is this? No blood.

Boss: That is old style boss, this is new style. This is the 21st century.

Big Boss: Shit you, you are only brave when you had people in lock-ups. Piiirah you all. Like this means, the next time there is going to be a demo, they will ask the MACC to be on duty.

KPI surely go up one.

Reporter: It is said that the government aims to cut crime by about 20 percent, do you think this is possible?

Police: Oh yes, we are confident of reaching that target, in fact we are confident of surpassing that figure.

Reporter: You sound so confident, what are your strategies?

Police: Simple really, It will be a multi-prong attack on criminals.

Reporter: Multi-prong? Could you explain?

Police: Usually all those we call in for questionings are guilty but we had to set them free because we do not have enough evidence so what we will do is ask the government to pass a law whereby a judge must find an accused guilty if the police feels he is guilty. There will be no need for evidence.

Reporter: Don't you think that will give the police too much power?

Police: Oh, don't worry, we have never ever abused our powers. has the police ever abused power> Come on la, we are professional people la.
 
Reporter: What else?

Police: We will also ask the government to pass a law whereby any accidental-death while in detention or while questioning, must be considered accidental death and therefore cannot be challenged.

Reporter: Yes, if it is really accidental. You still have to prove it was accidental.

Police: Ha, yes, but the first law I mentioned just now must be taken into consideration, anything the police claims must be taken as the truth.

Reporter: Okay, but how do you define 'accidental' then?

Police: If we were to accidentally kick a suspect on the head with our heavy boots, or accidentally drown a suspect or accidentally beat the shit out of him or accidentally force him off a 9 story building. You know, that kind of stuff.

Reporter: What else?

Police: We would recommend that 95% of cases be considered as civil and not criminal.

Reporter: What do you mean?

Police: Like this, if someone robs you, it is between you and that someone and it has no bearing on the state so we consider it a civil case. If you have evidence, you sue him la. No need for the police in these cases.

Reporter: What about rape then?

Police: Same thing, it's between the rapist and his victim, it has got nothing to do with the country, so the victim sues the rapist. All these will greatly reduce our cases, giving us more time to do other work.

Reporter: Looks like with this you would not have any work to do?

Police: No, we still have plenty of work like tailing opposition members, snooping on them, concocting evidence, whacking the hell out of people, the list is endless la, we have a lot of work really.

Reporter: I don't think the people would like this. There will be mass protest.

Police: We do have an alternative though.

Reporter: Alternative? What alternative?

Police: Every known crime comes under the ISA. We just lock them up, we don't have to prove anything. I tell you with these strategies that I had mentioned, our KPI will surely go up one.

No stone unturned

We are very serious when we say that we will investigate TBH's death. I am not merely paying lip service. I am as serious as serious can be. I will prove to the opposition that I am serious, I will prove that the Cabinet is serious, I will prove that the BN government is serious and you can take that to the bank.

Although we already have a Royal Commission and although we already have an inquest, it's not enough to satisfy me. I want to get to the bottom of this. I promise you we will not leave any stone unturned in our effort to get to the truth.

Today just to prove to Malaysians and the world, I have lined up the whole Malaysian Cabinet and backbenchers in this park on this beautiful morning.

Okay men and women, I don't want you to miss even a single one. Turn all stones you come across.

The Results

So they have promised the whole world that they are going to get serious about the TBH affair. Yes, they are damn bloody serious to get to the bottom of it.

Woo, its scares me when they say they are going to get serious, when they say they are npt going to leave a stone unturned and an arse unprobed. Hey, isn't that Saiful smiling there?

They are not going to set up one investigation but two. Oh my God, they are going to set up two sets of investigation units. They must be bloody serious.

Yes, they are serious alright. A Royal Commission to study questioning procedures and ..... wait a minute, did I say a Royal Commission to investigate questioning procedures? I did? Why did I say that? Because they said it first?

To study questioning procedures they need a Royal Commission? So the Commission is not going to investigate how TBH died?

Shit man, why do you need a Royal Commission for that? Wait, wait there is more. They are going to set up an inquest to find the cause of death. What only an inquest to find out the cause death? they do that even for minor things. So who is the coroner?

Okay, I am going to beat them to the gun. I am going to give the findings of both these commitees.

Royal Commission:

Nothing wrong in their queationing methods but there are some weaknesses though. We hereby recommend the following:

1. During questioning, all officers must use perfumes so that their body ordour do not cause unease.

2. Officers must be cleanly shaven so that they do not look too fierce and threatening.

3. Baju Melayu and Batik is recomended to potray a friendlier set of interogators.

4. Beverages and snacks should be provided to the interogators at all time.

5. There must be soft music played at all times.

Inquest:

1. TBH died because his heart stopped beating causing a cut of supply of blood to the brains which caused all the brain cells to die and therefore his brain could not function anymore.

What a day.

I am writing this at about 1.30 this morning. Couldn't sleep. Why? Well, there must be a reason, right?

Well you see, my baby, the youngest one is to be engaged this evening. Yes, my little girl, my manja girl is to be engaged and InsyaAllah next year, she would be married.

It seems that it was only yesterday, she was still feeding from the bottle and today she is a big girl, ready to face the world on her own. It is both a happy and sad thing for me.

Happy because she is getting hitched to someone of her choice. She obviously loves him a lot and I like the boy too.

Sad because it won't be long before next year rears its head to take my baby away from me. I can't help it, I can't help thinking about it. Anyway, to her, I wish her all the happiness.

Now, for a twist to this story, yesterday at about 3.20pm I received a call from her sister. My blood almost drained when my eldest daughter said that my youngest met with an accident somewhere near the centre span of the Penang Bridge. My baby wasn't hurt but the car was badly smashed up. I was in class at that time. All I could think of was to go to her.

I immediately left the class and met the PK Petang who ordered me to go to my daughter immediately. To Mr. Tuan, thank you for being an understanding boss. Then I realised that the Pengetua was also in her office so it wouldn't be proper for me to leave without informing her. She too was as understanding as Mr. Tuan.

Soon I was out, and after refuelling my bike I decided to call my baby first to get first hand info from her. From her voice I knew she was in shock.. She passed the phone over to the other party and to the tauts present and soon, I had them towing the car back to Penang.

We met at a stop just after the bridge on the Island side and I was shocked to see the damage to the car. Thank you Allah for sparing my daughter.

At home she started to cry. I knew that she was holding back all this time and only decided to let go in the comfort of her family. She is still in shock. She did not get to see much of her favourite team's match against Seoul FC.

She is now asleep and from my desktop, I could see the hantarans (gifts for the boy) all laid out on the dining table ready for tomorrow. The happiness and sadness returns.

The truth is out there.

Police: Thank you for agreeing to meet us here in your house.

Madam: I just want to know how my son died so I am willing to cooperate. Would you like to have a drink first?

Police: That's very kind of you madam. Yes, please, it is a rather hot day, could you give me something cold please? Err, maybe lychee with longan. No sugar please, just fresh maple syrup and can I also have some nice and cold cendol with pulut?

Madam: Here you are.

Police: But madam, this is ice water only?

Madam: That's all I have, so please let us go on with your investigations.

Police: Okay madam. Did your son mention that he had problems at work?

Madam: No.

Police: Did he say that he was suicidal? Did he say that he could not stand life anymore and that he wished he could die?

Madam: You gila ka?

Police: Did he act strangely prior to his death, like forgetting to wear his clothes to work or wearing slippers in his hand?

Madam: Confirm you sudah gila.

Police: Was he talking to himself or singing loudly in public?

Madam: Lu memang gila.

Police: Did your son tell you that all the DAP assemblymen in PR Selangor are on the take?

Madam: No, he said they are very-very clean.

Police: Did he say that the MB is corrupt?

Madam: No.

Police: Did he say that he wanted to report to the MACC about corruption involving his boss?

Madam: No, but he did say that he wanted to make a report regarding Toyo's corruption.

Police: Lets not involve other people here especially when there is no evidence. Was your son friends with undesirable people?

Madam: No, he was not buddy-buddy with any BN people.

Police: I mean was he close to triad members, loan sharks, pimps, drug lords?

Madam: No he distanced himself from BN people.

Police: Was your son close to Nordin Mohd Top?

Madam: Who is he?

Police: Was you son a friend of Osama Ben Laden?

Madam: Why? Is he your grandfather?

Police: Was your son with Anwar when he sodomised Saiful?

Madam: What are you up to? I thought you wanted to investigate his death, what will all these prove?

Police: Sorry madam, I know the truth hurts. We have reasons to believe that your son was not mentally stable. He was suicidal. We also have reasons to believe that he had got himself involved with bad people.

Madam: Don't be crazy la. Unlike you, my son was mentally healthy before he died and he did not mix around with BN people.

Police: Where was your son on September 11 2001?

Madam: How would I know, that was 9 years ago?

Police: Has your son ever gone to Memali to meet Ibrahim Libya?

Madam: Have you ever been for a brain scan?

Police: One last question madam, Did the PR Selangor people coach you to answer all our questions?

Madam: They asked me to tell the truth but they never warned me that I would be dealing with a mad man?

Police:Madam: You have been most uncooperative. I am very disapointed with you. I think if you could follow me to the MACC office where your son died and meet the officers there, your memory could be refreshed.

Madam: Can you guarantee me that I would come home alive?

Clever hero

Reporter: Encik Samad, congratulations for being awarded the Medal of Valour for your bravery.

Samad: Thank You. I did it for my country.

Reporter: Tell us, during your 20 years in service, where have you been to.

Samad: Oh, Bosnia, Somalia, Philippines, Palestine and New Guinea.

Reporter: Where would you say was the most trying place to go.

Samad: I would say, Bosnia and Somalia. There was mass slaughter and endless fighting. I had to be called to do battle everyday but of course no one knows about this.

Reporter: Were you ever hurt?

Samad: Yes, I was shot in Bosnia and was beaten up in Somalia. I was beaten up quite badly actually.

Reporter: There are still some more volatile places where UN Peace Forces are needed. Iraq is back in turmoil and Palestine has never seen peace. Honduras is in big trouble. Would you go to any of these countries if called upon?

Samad: I have been to so many explosive places and come back alive although I met with lots of hostilities. I have faith in my abilities to survive. I will go on even an hour's notice just as long as they don't send me to a police lock up or to the MACC. I may be brave but I do want to live.