If its broken, replace it.

I read in The Star that a certain not very popular minister; the one who likes to shoot his mouth and in the end eat his foot; the one who likes to ISA people, - What you still don't know who? - The one who, besides, being a little dense in the head is a little sparse in the outer covering of the head. Yes, that's the one.

Well this dense guy said that about 10% of MyKads issued when there was a run in at the Registration Department - remember all those long waits - are found to be faulty and have been duly replaced. Well good for them.

This should be a lesson. Their people should be trained. You just don't rope in the despatch boy to do work he is not trained to do. They have been so used to not working that they got a shock when they had to actually lift a finger.

Well, anyway, its all over now. Many Malaysians have got their MyKads and many non Malaysians too have MyKads and are all now able to vote for the BN come every election. No, don't go complaining about this issuance of MyKads business because according to a deputy minister, fake Mykads is not a major issue.

No, I am not going to focus too much on the fake MyKads because as a responsible citizen I am going to take the words of my deputy minister that it is not a major issue. Maybe the dwindling catch of ikan bilis and increasing number of foreign beggars are major stories to be discussed. I don't know, ask the deputy minister. Hmm since we are at it, I wonder if those foreign beggars have MyKads. Aaah, forget it, their begging is the Major issue, not their possession of MyKads.

My main aim - sorry for taking you all for a long ride before coming to the main issue or major issue I want to talk about.

The dense one said that all the faulty Mykads have been replaced and since we do not hear grouses about faulty replaced ones, I take it that they have done a good job. I would like to congratulate them. If you set your mind to do something, you would succeed.

The real aim of this post is that would it be possible for them to also replace certain other faulty elements? I am talking about replacing faulty Ministers and deputy ministers. Please Mr. Dense Minister sir. You could start with, er, er YOU?

Small matter la.

Deputy Minister: Fake Mykads not a major issue.

I am sure many have read this in Malaysiakini. I don't know whether I am going to laugh or cry or stare blankly into space or shake my head or vomit or just give a wry cynical smile and walk off.

I just can't walk off without at least making a small insignificant comment. After all, this is a democracy and in a democracy the people are supposed to be supreme. I am not taking the supreme thing too far but just to exercise a little bit of my rights. I am sure that is quite okay.

Hey, a rakyat can criticise his/her ministers or deputy ministers when they say something wrong can't he?

I am not saying it is wrong just because I think it is wrong. Hey, they say it is wrong. Yes, the government said that it is wrong or at least their actions did.

Amongst the many who are now detained under the ISA, correct me if I am wrong, a few or quite a number are there because of their roles in the issuance of fake ICs and MyKads.

The powers that be views the issuance of fake MyKads so seriously that they deem it fit to detain those involved in this very unpatriotic deed under the Internal Security Act.

Is the offence serious? I personally say it is. Someone in the government conccured with me otherwise why would they use the ISA to detain those involved? But we have a deputy minister who thinks otherwise. Its not a major issue, he said.

Not a major issue? How not major is not major here? Is it not major as in spitting on the streets? What are major issues then?

Gonna get me a real looker

Now that the price of fuel is more sane though it could be saner, I have decided to make a bold move. yes, I am going to get me a new car and its going to be a newly launched car.

Yes, I am going to get me a BMW 3 series, maybe the 335i. For RM539,800 I think its a bargain, a real bargain. Just look at the car and you don't need viagra.



Do you know that it has an 80GB hard disk drive to store songs? Hey with that amount of real estate one doesn't have to worry about long distant driving. There will be more than enough entertainment.

How do I intend to pay for the car, some may ask. Well you see, I am going to KL for about 3 days at end of this month and I read that the price of roti canai has gone down there, unlike Penang, so imagine the amount I would save for 3 days. I wonder if there will be enough spare to get my daughter a MYVY.

Just another ordinary day

What I am going to write about today is not arranged in any particular order. They come out as I peck on the keyboard. What comes first to mind is displayed first, so what else is new?

Okay to begin with, something has been irking me for quite a few days now and each passing day it bothers me even more. We all know that the price of crude has gone down quite substantially. When the government decided on the monstrous, life burdening, heart crunching and stomach wrenching increase just after the elections, they said that the government was setting the price at market rate minus a 30 sen subsidy. They went on to say that as of that time the price of petrol would depend on the world price of crude with a 30 sen rebate. The government is not going to increase the rebate.

Then the price of world crude came tumbling down and with Permatang Pauh in the vicinity, the government reduced the price of petrol. A few reductions later, the ever tumbling price of crude made it possible for petrol to be sold below the pre-monstrous-increase price of RM1.92 without a 30 sen subsidy. This means that the government is not forking out anymore subsidies other than that Pos Malaysia enriching scheme of giving R600+ rebates for cars and RM150 rebate for motorcycles.

The price of crude today is even lower still and petrol is still sold at the recent reduced rate of RM2.00 which means the government is now profitting from every litre of petrol sold in the country. They are now not only not giving out 30 sen subsidies per litre but in fact making a profit on top of the taxes they are collecting from oil companies. So now, the government makes money from both sides, from sellers that is the oil the companies and buyers meaning us consumers. How caring.

Next comes the TNB, the GLC that paid for Mahathir's tea session with Bush, who screamed 'not fair' when crude and gas was at its highest persuading the government to agree to a burdening increase in electricity tarrifs. Now crude and gas has gone spiralling down but TNB, foreseeing more tea-parties probably with Obama, like the spoilt child it has always been, suddenly turned around and puts the blame on coal. Yes, crude and gas has gone down but coal hasn't, they said. Who knows they are secretly applying for another increase so that they can pay their dumb executives more for doing nothing?

The price of petrol has gone down quite a bit but transport companies are going to get to increase fares because of rising costs of everything else. In the first place if the authorities had been efficient, costs of everything else should at least drop a bit, not continue rising. If this is the case then transport companies have no business asking for an increase in their services. With this increase then other companies and businesses would have an excuse to not bring down prices of essentials. They would say, "Yes, the price of petrol has gone down but transportation price and production costs -- because electricity tariffs have not come down -- are still high so we would lose if we bring down our prices.

Now I feel nothing when crude continues to tumble but cringe in fear when they go up. My take home pay is simply not enough to see me through the month.

Before I stop I would like to touch on a certain Mak Cik who simply refuses to step down. Come on Mak Cik, you have been there at the top for so long, take a break, go smell the roses. As to her heir apparent who had suddenly forgotten her acceptance of the transition plan and her "my word is my honour' proclamation, I have only this to say, "tunggu la sat, awat tak sabaq-sabaq sangat"?

Nothing out of nothing

How does one deal with adversity? Why all of a sudden did I ask such a question? No I have not done any research on this matter but rather would like to talk about this from a blogger's perspective, this blogger in particular.

To prove my point, let just say you fall into a well. What do you do besides shouting and screaming for help. While waiting, which should take quite sometime because the well happens to be at the end of a kampung on a day the villagers have all gone out for a wayang kulit show which incidentally has only just started.

Assuming that you could stay afloat, otherwise, no point in me going further, you could use this adverse situation to your advantage. There is of course to drink. The water is actually nice and cool. Next you could brush up on your staying afloat skills. You could do it face down or up. You could practice fishing with your hands, diving, staying underwater, heck there is so much you could do.

Okay now back to what I had actually wanted to write about. As r4egular visitors could see that this week, I had not been updating my blog as regularly as I had always been doing. No I have not suddenly taken ill or been busy.

The truth is, as I had told Shah about an hour ago is that I have what they call a writer's blog. Hey even two bit writers like me have bouts of blocks you know.

My style of writing has always been unpredictable. I very seldom plan what I want to write. I di not sit in front of the computer and write drafts and refine them.

Usually my ideas would come spontaneously while I am at the computer. Sometimes they come when I am reading other people's write ups. This happens many times. At other times, the ideas come when I am reading online news pages, usually TheStarOnline.

There were times of course while day-dreaming, I get an idea and at other times the ideas came while I was at in the toilet enlightening, as in making myself lighter, as in taking a dump.

I think that is why, if you were to read my posts again you would find them very badly organised and full of mistakes but them I write for those who care to read and not be picky as to the deficiencies in style and grammar.

Now what has all this proved? Well, in the first place, I had been unable to come out with a piece because the ideas deserted me. I find myself blank infront of my scribefire blogging tool. Now of course I have almost completed a not so short piece of writing which in times of a block I shouldn't be able to.

Well, you could say that like the person in the well waiting for the wayang kulit to end, I did the next best thing and that is to take advantage of the adverse situation. At least for today I could come out with a nonsensical piece. What about tomorrow?

Aaah, tomorrow is many thousands of seconds away. Why worry of tomorrow's bleak outlook when you should rejoice today's triumph in trickery? Hey, did I write that? I think I should be a politician.

Pahala anyone?

Should you be at the curve on the 29th of November sometime in the early evening or late afternoon whichever way you chose to see it, and suddenly comes across 4 total strangers looking lost and wondering around aimlessly please do not call the police or the welfare department or even the RSPCA.

No they are not vagabonds and neither are they asylum seekers from the sub-continent. If my crystal ball is right, they are actually looking for friends whom they have never met before but dear friends all the same.

Having never set foot in The Curve, in fact, having only just recently heard of the existence of a place called The Curve, it should not be shocking to see them wondering around with blank wide-open eyes.

Please be gentle with these people for my crystal ball says that they are harmless ordinary folks probably lost in the big city called The Confluent of The Mud or Muddy Confluence or in local Muddy Confluence tongue, KayEll.

Offer them assistance instead of giving them the suspicious look; embrace them with love instead of shooing them away ,or in plain English, lead them to the Asam Pedas where they are supposed to meet their friends. While you are at it why not grab a chair and sit along with them and their friends.

To assist you in getting loads of pahalas here are their mug-shots taken from the CIA 9/11 secret files of people believed to be not involved at all.

The 4th Rock From The Sun

Ever gazed at the sky at night and suddenly got goose bumps and your body suddenly felt warm and sensitized to the air around you? If you had, then the planet that you had just gazed at was most probably Mars.

You see there is this theory going around that a long long time ago, so very long time ago, before Mahathir, some bacteria containing rocks originating from Mars shot into Earth's atmosphere and landed at some kind of warm vent in the ocean.

The bacteria survived the journey and being the pests that they were, they reproduced and evolved with time. Some of course chose not to and remain bacteria until the present time.

I was watching tv and some researcher showed a rock which he swore, ala Saiful, originated from Mars. I wonder how he knew? Maybe it had 'Made in Mars' stamped or engraved or he felt so close to home holding it.

I am not going to argue with him on that coz he is the researcher and I am only a two bit blog writer, not an unemployed woman, but a blog writer, with a different sex organ, all the same.

Well if this, and let me repeat it, IF this is true, what does that make us? Yes, you are right, we are in fact Aliens. Our microscopic ancestors hitched a ride a few billion years ago and decided to make Earth a home.

Now comes the billion dollar question. Were our ancestors chased out of Mars by bigger, more complex beings or by their own kind, i.e. bacterias?

To answer that question, all we have to do is look around us. Two world wars and countless other wars; political instability and turmoil; murders, rapes, beatings, kidnappings, oppressions and other Earthly demeanours suggests 2 things.

First it suggests that our ancestors were injected into rocks and shot out of Mars because of their, and thus our, destructive tendencies which must have got into the nerves of the other beings in Mars. They just couldn't take it anymore. They must have hated our grandfathers so much.

The other suggestion is that there was a battle of bacterias and one faction, the winner of course, shipped the other one, our ancestors the losers, here.

Whatever it is, the bacteria which was our ancestors were made of real stern stuff coz we, their descendants, are still here and thriving at our destructive best and Mars is bone dry and barren, zilch. Who's the winner now?

No wonder we are in the state that we are in now because we are actually being ruled by bacterias.

He who serves rotten sardines should not yuck it.

There was once a place where not many dare tread simply because it was a dark place, plagued with all the diseases of darkness. None dare to even be seen at the doors of this dark place, what more to be seen in it.

Then came a power crazy man who saw how this dark place could be exploited to his own gains. He began surrounding himself with people who had on the sly been regular visitors to this dark abyss.

He allowed them to go to this place in the open. He let them party day and night. He got his lieutenants to protect these visitors to the dark place. He allowed free access to this devil's heaven.

He was so successful that he could not see that this darkness had infected all in his circle. The disease has become their flesh and blood. It was this darkness that emboldened these disciples to unseat him.

The new leader chose to also rule from this dark chamber. He also chose to surround himself with dark sycophants. He created fiefdoms and elected friendly disciples as lords.

Now the former ruler, the one who paved the once dark and treacherous roads, that led to this dark abyss, with golden tarmac and lit them up with so much glitz is accusing his successor of glamorising darkness.

If Confucious was alive today then the fortune cookies industry would have another saying:

"He who serves rotten sardines should not yuck it".

Joke of the year

Dr. M said, Pak Lah to blame for corruption and cronyism in UMNO. I say

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

He should be given the Comedian of the Year Award.

Solihin is no more

On the 23rd of April this year I wrote a post titled I Hate Bad News. I wrote about a friend who had a baby boy, the only boy of 3 children. His name was Mohd Solihin.

Solihin was born with Downs Syndrome and after a few months after birth he was diagnosed with hole in the heart.

On Saturday morning at about 6 I received a phone call from his father saying that Mohd Solihin has passed away.

Evidently he passed away at home while in his mother's arms. According to the father, Solihin was running a fever for a few days which to Solihin was something normal. That night at about 3 in the morning, he was restless and his loving mother carried him in her arms like any normal loving mother would. Suddenly he stopped crying.

The panicked parents quickly took him to the General Hospital where after much attempt by the authorities to revive him, they pronounced him dead.

He was laid to rest on Saturday afternoon. Both parents took it very-very hard. He was 14 months old. ALFATIHAH.

Err, Mr. Obama sir ......

No 2: What are you doing boss? Just got up from sleep ka?

No 1: What sleep? My secretary is putting me through to Barrack Obama la. We have to congratulate him la, otherwise he would say we all don't respect him.

No 2: Obama ka? Hey, boss, I can talk to him or not? After all in a few months I will be the no 1? You want to talk to him for what?

No 1: Where can. Protocol la, protocol. How can I allow you to speak to him? He would think we are insulting him la.

No 2: I say man, boss, just say la that you are going to resign already so you would like him to speak to the soon to be no 1?

No 1: Still cannot, things don't work that way. I thought you pandai sangat.

No 2: Err boss, did they contact us to say that Obama wants to speak to us ka boss?

No 1: What they contact us? You know how difficult it is to get this conversation? I had to pull so many strings and contact so many lobbyists you know.

No 2: What!!! He is not the president yet and still we need to go through lobbyists ka?

No 1: Luckily it is only a phone call and not have tea with him, otherwise TNB would have to pay even more for this.

No 2: So this time also Tenaga has to foot the bill ka boss?

No 1: Where else to find money? I want to ask EPF, you just took 5 billion from them. Want to ask Petronas, they say crude is now about 61 dollars, so ask Tenaga la. What, you think only that senile old man can ask Tenaga to pay lobbyists ka? I cannot ka?

Sec: Boss Mr. Obama is on the line.

No 2: Eh hello, Mr. Obama. Allow me to congratulate you on your stunning victory. We, over here, are all so very happy that you won. No, no actually I am the no 2 man...... Yes, no 1 is here, ......... but I will be the no 1 man soon next ,...... huh? Err yes, ...... yes, ........ yes sir ....... yes sir,...... yes sir,........ I know, I know, yes, ....... I understand. No no not like that Mr, ........ but, but, ....... yes, ..... yes. Okay, okay I promise. What? You want me to say it out loud? Okay, sir, Yes, I promise not to interfere in the conversations of all no 1s. Err, Boss, he wants to speak to you.

No 1: Padan muka.

Bloggers Do 29 November.

The good Docta Tokasid sent me an sms this morning stating that he has put up a post about our planned gathering for bloggers and then asked me to do the same.

I would like to reiterate here that the planned do is to get bloggers together for a gathering, to meet each other, talk cock, makan-makan, minum-minum, exchange views, and maybe plan a trip to Raden Galoh's place should she herself be unable to attend.

Yes, of course I would be attending because I have been kicking myself in the arse for having to miss the last do held sometime during the last school holidays.

There are so many people I would very much like to meet especially those who frequent my blog. To those who had commented and to silent readers I would love to meet you all.

On behalf of the major organisers, namely Doc Tokasid, Shah Cakapaje, Kerp, Mat Salo and Datuk Jaflam, I would like to extend and invitation to all those who are free. We would really love to have a face to face.

Docta has a list of all those who have so far indicated their intention of attending. Please go over to his site for updates on who would be attending. Anyone interested just mention it in the comment section of this post and all subsequent posts or at the other blogs.

Yes, I am very opposition inclined in my postings but this meet is definitely not reserved to like-minded people only. All those from both sides of the divide including all those who are not interested in politics are welcomed. Please do try to come.

The details are follow:

Date:29th November 2008.

Time: Will be announced, probably from noon onwards

Venue: The Curve

Okay, I got this list from Shah's

1- Mat Salo
2-Shah Cakap Aje
3-Kerp
4-Dato' Jaflam
5-Pak Idrus
6-Fauziah Ismail
7-Tokasid
8-Muteaudio
9-Unker Zorro(according to Kerp)
10-YB Khalid Samad
11-Jeejah Mantra
12-Edeilweiss
13-Sheih Kickdafella( according to Shah Cakap aje)*
14-Elviza
15-Capt Yusof (Ancient Mariner)
16-Cikgu Nazir of Kata Tak Nak

***
17-Amin Black*
18-Hazrin (A film producer friend of Shah's)*

Pete is Free?

I got a message this morning and I guess thousands of you also received messages bearing the good news that Raja Petra Kamaruddin has been released by the Shah Alam High Court. Thousand of us already knew about it even before the mainstream media could reluctantly publish this piece of good news in their online pages.

No wonder, they dislike this alternative that is afforded us. Alright, important things first. I would like to welcome Pete back to freedom. I would like to thank whoever the judge is for having enough guts to declare Pete's detention illegal.

I would like to believe that the new CJ did nothing to interfere in the judge's decision and if that is so, I would like to thank him too.

If at the time of publishing this post, Pete is not rearrested as we have seen in many other cases before this, I would like to thank the police for not interfering with the deliverance of justice by the court.

I am assuming a lot here. I am assuming that the CJ did not interfere, I am assuming that Pete would not be rearrested and I am also assuming that the police would leave things as it is.

Whatever it is, thank you to all those who had fought very hard to highlight Pete's plight. All the candlelight virgils are not exercises in futility.

I am sure many Malaysians who did not have the opportunity to attend those virgils, offered silent prayers of their own.

We need Pete, and we need him a free man. Pete, have a good rest with the family and hope to see you back with guns blazing.

If all the assumptions I had made is right then fellow Malaysians I think we deserve to pat ourselves in the back and say "Congratulations mate, it was a job well done".

Can't Wait

Man1: Hey, hey come here, look at this.

Man2: Look at what? They are all the same la. Nice on the outside, lousy in the inside.

Man1: No, no, this one is different la. I can feel it in my guts la. Look at that shape. Look at those lines, those curves, fuh! solid la.

Man2: Eh, yes la, see also can steam one.

Man1: I told you already what. You must trust this old man's taste la.

Man2: Wooo, really nice la. Got picture of the inside ah? You think the performance how ah? Gila one or not?

Man1: You ah, cannot wait one la. Always impatient one. Look at the outside first la. Like this ka. Surely performance first class one la. You'll die in ecstasy la.

Man2: Eh, eh got phone number ka? Find la, we must get this one la. If I don't get to touch and rough this one up, I'll never be able to sleep forever la.

Man1: Ha! Now you know old man's taste ah? One time see cannot sleep already.

Man2: You think we all can bring this one here ka? Not short game la, I mean keep here.

Man1: Everything that is inside here is for sale or hire one. Don't worry. I know what to do one. Let me talk to the boss. I know how to make him agree one, you just see la.

Man2: Call him now la. No need to wait one. Call faster la.

Man1: I'm calling la, shut up la, er, er boss, not you boss, no I did not ask you to shut up. Er boss remember that conversation we had the other day? Yes, yes. You said you want something that is a real looker, I found already la boss. Fuuh! my saliva also drip already la. Man2 cannot get his dick down. Memang steam one la boss. The price? Not yet, I did not call yet, but whatever it is, who is going to say anything? Okay, I'll call them up now. Thank you boss. You won't be sorry la.

Man2: Boss say okay ka?

Man1: See la who talk to him, sure he agree one because he knows my taste is as exquisite as his.

Man2: Call them now la. Call la, call.

Man1: Er Good morning, is that EC Agency? Okay, about model EC7035EXXX, what is the price ah? No, I don't want to hire, I want to buy. Something that alluring and sexy is not to be hired la. How much? What if I want a dozen of them? Point 9? Er, the bill, about the bill, can you write there 1.6? Oh you have dealt with us before? So can write any amount we want la? Thank you, thank you. Okay send them as fast as you can. What test first? What for? That would take too long la. We need the extra point 7 fast. Ok, thank you ah.

Time for cleansing

Right now, I am feeling like running away to the furthest, most remote cave and and live the life of a recluse. I would abstain from all earthly pleasures like food, entertainment and sex. I have to do it. I must do it. I must cleanse this sin that is bearing heavily over head and in my heart.

I admit, I have wronged before. I have sinned before, but then who hasn't? I mean just go out there in the streets and you will find thieves, robbers, rapists, tricksters, the works.

The trouble is I did not steal, I did not rob, I did not rape and neither did I trick anybody. What I have done is something even worse. What I have done would even make Satan cringe in shame.

What I have done is something that is unforgivable. This is what happens when you allow your heart to rule your head, this is what happens when you think you know everything, this is what happens when you think you are always right.

God forgive me for I have wronged. God forgive me for I have sinned. Yes, I have sinned before but this is the mother of all sins.

Before I go, before I run away to that far off cave and celibate and live a life without pleasures as atonement for my sins, I know I could not have peace if I do not seek forgiveness from those whom I have sinned.

God please make them see that I am truly sorry for what I have done. Oh, God, please let it be in their heart to forgive me.

How could I ever thought that the Eurocopter deal was shady. The PAC has said it, there is nothing wrong with the deal. Oh, common, this is the PAC we are talking about. It is filled with people of impeccable qualities. They are cleaner than angels. If they said there is nothing wrong then surely there is nothing wrong.

Stop questioning the deal. The superclean, superaccountable, superangelic PAC has spoken. For all those who have questioned the deal, follow me to that distant cave and together we hit our heads hard against the hard jagged walls of the cave; together we cut our dicks off and feed them to the scorpions. Let's cleanse ourselves.

The Beginning?

Raisus: Hail Najibus, Thane of Pekanus, Ruler of Malayus, Slayer of Dollus.

All: Hail Najibus.

Najibus: Your seat you may take my subjects. We are perplexed and angered that a decree we made a moon ago, a decree so simple, hath not been tended to.

Raisus: My Lord Conqueror, oh please spare thy humble servant, what is the decree that yee hath made that hath not been tended to?

Najibus: Did not we, at the last meeting, decreed thee the son of Yatimus that this seat next to ours, this seat meant for our consort, the lovely Lady Rosmasus, be replaced, for her rump it cannot fit?

Raisus: Oh, my dear King, a seat thy servant have ordered, befitting the stature of such an esteem queen but alas my revered King, the treasury hath not the amount of gold to make a seat so huge to fit the royal rump of The Lady Rosmasus.

Najibus: What? Hath the Treasury been raided of all the gold given us by our arm Petronus?

Raisus: Yes, my King but we have sent emissaries to the Royal Kingdom of Zimbabwayus to borrow more gold.

Najibus: Cannot thee then raid the EPFus for the gold?

Raisus: Oh, keeper of the Royal Rump of Saifulus, the EPFus is not the property of the throne, for to the people it belongs?

Najibus: The people? Is not the people Our subject? Do not We, the Ruler of this land own the people? Thy tongue speaketh infamy to not include the people as Our property. Doth thou not love the head over thy shoulders?

Raisus: But my King, all the gold of EPFus hath been used for the purchase of Eurocoptus, Sukhoiyus, submarinus and to bail thy cronies at the KLSEus.

Najibus: Then raid Maybankus or Tabungus Hajus but leave CIMBus alone. Go now. Now, my ministers and cronies, speaketh thou of your wishes for in thou We are indebted to present this throne to Us. Speaketh!

Jayjus: My Lord, I am your subject from Pahangus, a former minister who had served you well until that wretched Prince of Slumberland untimely terminated my employ.

Najibus: Aaah Jayjus the Champion of Buttockus Grabus. What favour doth thy want of Us? Speaketh.

jayjus: A million buttockus, my king. I will then die a happy death.

Najibus: Granted. Muhyidus, scour the land for a million of the most beautiful buttockus but touch not the buttockus of Saifulus for that buttockus is state evidence.

Guard: Oh dear king, run for thy life. A traitor has slain all the guards and is now this way headed.

Najibus: What? A traitor doth want to slain Us, the King and Emperor? Doth he not know that Our ministers and cronies would rather see their own blood crimsoned the Pahangus River than see a tiny mosquito bleed Us. Ministers, to your station. Ministers, ministers. Wherefore art thou goeth with so much haste that leaveth a lightning trailing? Ministers, come back or forever shalt thou be banished from this land. Guard loyal guard, who is it that is so bold that my throne seeketh to rob?

Guard: The Lord of Jitrus, Retired General Mahathirus and his foreign friend Mugabus and in his wake his son the eunuch Mukruz and an army captained by Samyus Vellus and his army the Toll boyus. Run my lord, run.

(To be continued, depends on what happens)