The Strategy

Boss: We lost so many by-elections and with bigger majorities. This is hurting us. This is hurting me the most. We need to do something.

Member1: Yes, la boss, everywhere I go, they all 'perli' me la boss. I malu only

Boss: You say you malu, what about me? I lagi malu you know.

Member2: Easy only la boss. We push through parliament a bill to abolish all by-elections.

Boss: You know why we lost? Because we have people like you la. To do that we need two thirds. Do we have two thirds in parliament?

Member2: Oh like that ka boss, sorry la, I am 1st term MP la.

Member3: I say boss, easy only la boss.

Boss: What easy? I am going bald pulling all my hair and you say easy? How?

Member3: Every time we had a by election in their constituency we lost with bigger majority. When we fight them in our own place where we won with small majority, we also lost. So fight them in our own place where we won by big majority la.

Member4: But Batang Ai big what?

Boss: What do you mean your batang big? Are you insinuating that our batangs all small?

Member4: No boss, I mean we won big in the Batang Ai by election.

Boss: East Malaysia don't count la. There we can cheat any way we want and nobody can do anything about it. Anyway member3, go on.

Member3: Although we did badly in the last GE, we still manage to win big in some constituencies so if some of these constituencies were to suddenly fall vacant, we can still win there. Maybe majority reduced a bit la but we can always blame on something else.

Boss: Hmm not a bad idea. Which constituency do you think is safe?

Member3: In Pekan we won big what. If pekan were to suddenly fall vacant, we surely have no problem to win it.

Boss: Why Pekan? Why not somewhere else?

Member3: Pekan is in Pahang so if we won a by election there easily we could always say that the people of Pahang loves you.

Boss: What do we do to the ex MP of Pekan then?

Member3: I say boss, we give him a few million and ask him to shut up la.

Boss: Who is the MP for Pekan now?

Member3: I can't remember which idiot la but don't worry la boss, all our members can be bought one.

Member5: Woi, woi, psst, psst, he is the member of Pekan la.

Member3: Why are you whispering, talk loudly la, we have no secrets here la.

Member5: Never mind, never mind.

Boss: Are you sure you are not related to Dollah or Khairy or Ku Li? Okay I agree with your idea but why not you resign? Say la you are sick or you need time for your family. We give you a few million and you go main diam-diam.

Member3: But why me boss? I am not the member for Pekan what?

Boss: I know you are not the Pekan MP because I am.

Member3: Alamak! You ka boss? I say sorry la boss, I didn't know. Shit la that Samy trapped me la. He gave me the idea.

Secretary: Boss, your prayers have been answered, I just received a confirmed news that there will be a by election in Penanti.

Boss: What Penanti? Want to die ka? No la, we are not contesting la.

ACTIVE MEMBER

Do you know how they got their so-called 3.7 million members? Of course through devious means like paying the subscriptions of those who have left the party, who have died, and maybe even those who are not aware of it.

Hmm I wonder if they have Netanyahu and Mugabe's name in their register too? Come to think of it, I wonder if the Nepal, Indon and Bangla labourers working in the vicinity of my quarters are ACTIVE UMNO members? Who knows the person below carries a Malaysian IC with the name Mat Awang Bin Mat Diah and is an ACTIVE member of Kampung Kubur?

All this started when I was at Tumpang Sekole to read his post about how the former DCM of Penang is still an ACTIVE UMNO member. I followed his lead to the checking counter and keyed in my numbers and voila, I am an ACTIVE member of UMNO.



You see, the problem is I left Taman Selamat in 1994 and has since not paid any subscription. Being a former Setiausaha Pemuda Cawangan, I know that if one does not pay his/her subscription then he/she is no longer a member.

I met the Ketua Cawangan in 98 and told him that I have left the party through disillusionment. I had always suspected that somebody would be 'kind' enough to pay my subscription for me.

I also checked my wife's number and wow, she too is an ACTIVE member of UMNO. She was shocked when I told her. You see she is quite naive about this whole matter. She had never suspected that this kind of thing could happen. Anyway to the Ketua Cawangan, thanks but no thanks. I think he'd rather a relative die then to take my name off the register. That's how this people operate.

Just in case any of you would like to know if you are ACTIVE members of UMNO, try this link http://www.daftar.umno.org.my/

He was only 50

About half an hour ago an old friend, Ah Hin, called, in between tears, to inform that another old friend Ravi has passed away. "Heart attack" he said. I was truly speechless. The news really stunned me and I couldn't believe it. He was only 50, a police sargeant.

When I was 8, my family moved to Taman Sentosa in BM and soon enough I made new friends and amongst them, the closest were Ravi, Ah Hin, Mani (Ravi's brother - deceased - cancer) Christie, Lawrence, Franco, Jerry, Ah Bin, Ah Hock, Ah Lai, Kesu and Devu, (deceased) all lived in the same Taman.

Then there were others who joined us from other areas. There were Pete fat, Pete short and Pete Black, Kim Guan and Kashmir Singh (deceased, last year)

Ravi was especially close to me because he was extremely friendly and easy to get along with. Actually, in those times, we used to spend almost every waking, non-schooling time together, foraging the jungle, swimming in a pool at in the jungle, catapulting birds and iguanas, curi ayam and loafing at a nearby coffee shop.

When I had my first girlfriend, she happened to be Ravi's classmate and he voluntereed to be my postman. We were so very close. Even his brother, the late Ramanathan or Mani as we affectionately called him alias Nathaniel Dawson the name he would cheekily call himself, was a very-very close buddy of mine.

I remember how I cried in the van after coming home with Ah Hin in his van after visiting Mani who was terminally ill with cancer and Ravi was there looking all gloomy.

He joined the police force and worked in KL, Johore, Pahang and finally in Penang. We did not meet for so long during that time but after he was transferred to Penang we do meet though not as regularly as we would have wished for.

Last I met him was about 6 months back. In fact I promise to meet him more often. Last I spoke to him was about 2 or 3 months back when he called me saying that Ah Lai who was in Penang for a short break would like to meet me. I waited at the coffee shop but only Ah Lai turned up coz Ravi was on duty.

I still can't get over it. My children are using the car but as soon as they return I am heading for BM to pay him my last respect. Of course I expect to see the rest of the surviving gang members there.

How sad it has come to. Living, and making a living has forced old friends to only meet at the funerals of other old friends. This has got to change, at least for me.

My dear friend Ravi, Rest In Peace

Revolutionary

The list is finally ready. Yes, 28 names in the first list followed by about 40 in the second list. With 60 over names altogether there is a lot of work for them to do. Yes, this is going to take the better part of 2 whole days.

Transportation and security is the most important and for that the Inspector General of Police must be roped in.

Of course this has to be so because in the list are the names of the people who are going to turn the country around. Yes, the country's future lies in the hands of this 60 odd, clean and incorruptible people and careful attention has to be given to their safety and well-being. Nothing must be spared, no expense too great. The country had been in a rut for far too long and for once they realised that country comes before party.

The job would have been made easier if they had not screwed up to the extend of making disbelievers of the citizens. Yes they know, no one trust them anymore. No amount of rhetoric is going to change that. Not even Saatchi & Saatchi, their preferred choice of public relations advice, could help them out this time.

It wasn't easy to come to this decision. There was almost a revolt at the Grand Council meeting when it was revealed that a truly clean, pure list is to be drawn. The Council had to be coaxed, pacified and threatened to agree to this list. they finally saw the need for a truly clean cabinet. They agreed that they had no one to offer.

Now the hard work begins. First the visits to 60 odd residences to get consents. Considering the amount offered, this should not be too difficult. Then there would be the matter of persuading the opposition, to put the constitution aside, to agree that this large number of new senators be sworn in. For the sake of the country, the opposition should agree. If they don't then a one day visit to the Federal Courts should do it.

Then the medical checkups and special transportation must be looked into. Finally the swearing in of the whole Cabinet. This is the tedious part. Getting the venue ready is one challenge but providing the right atmosphere would be an even bigger one.

For the first time in history, even the President of the biggest winning party will not be in the cabinet. Yes, this endeavour to get a truly clean, spick and span cabinet, means a radical, untried, untested, previously unthought off and revolutionary new approach must be taken. Of course they could opt to have clean members of the opposition in but the Council would kill them,country or no country.

Everything seems about ready and in place. Final check:

Refreshments - ready
Chief Judge - ready
Consent Letters - check
Suitable venue - Check
Nannies - Check
Birth certificates - check.

Bring the babies in.

Care to try?

I received a request from an anonymous reader through email if it could be possible for me to post a piece of writing of his. Since I really have nothing to write anyway and this being a working Saturday for us here leaving me with not much time so why not.

Hope you guys could give comments if you see fit.

So here goes.


MahaAssSucker Theory Test

Question 1: Please select anything that Tun Dr Mahathir's did during his governance which you don't agree with?
A) Dont have any
B) Some of it ( 1 or 3 things)
C) So many (4 to 10 things or more)
D) Everything

Question 2: Please select why you have chose the above answer
A) He got da wisdom and perfect leader for Malaysian
B) He's brilliant but not perfect
C) Brilliant but got hidden agenda
D) Devilishly brilliant
 
Question 3: None. That's it. Just 2 simple question for simple test. Check your answer for da theoretically genius discovery. Ready..

Go
 
If your answer is D's for both question then you really have a deep grudge with our 'beloved' x­-prime minister and you is regarded as an extremist by UMNO. Believed me. Hate something and kapoof every tiny goods and deeds is gone into thin air. All turned ugly, bad, evil and etc. Come on dude, give that retired man a chance. There must be something good about him. Maybe a soft straight armpit's hair for example. It just happened to my lucky guess. You can try that...find some
and you'll be surprised that you'll be enlightened and calm as never before.

If your answer is C's for both question then good for you because you are cautious and careful to Mamak as he always knew how to kill 3 birds with one stone. I say you got a brain up there. Be careful not to let your 'bird' flying wildly everywhere. It might get smack with that magical stone that old man has. Actually i was wondering why is that old man using stone to kill 3 birds. He can
try to use wide electric net or something. It might kill 5 or a dozen of birds. That's will be more impressive.
 
If your answer is B's for both question then you are actually in loved with Mamak but being rational is not a problem anyway. Love is blind but brain is not. Someone that we loved must be guided and told for what is right and wrong, but who are you to him? Maybe he will say..."Hey what's wrong with u telling me what's right and what's wrong..go piss off somewhere else." This is painful I bet
especially when it comes from our most dearly person. You can wish to try your luck. What's more to lost anyway...just 22 years of messiness. 

If your answer is A's for both question then CONGRATULATION to you because you just prove to yourself that u are MahaAssSucker. This test is to prove that you got no brain all this time. If you have any then it is actually broke or critically malfunction. No heart feeling okay. I'm sincerely admired you because of the dependancy that you have with that Mamak's brain but here's the fact,
human is unique. Its God's ultra perfect creation capabilities. No one is the same, even twin is different. Uniqueness varies in infinite way. One of it is thought. How can you possibly agree with someone for everything he does and says. Come one there's must be something not to agree with. Go figures out yourself of something. If not then I pity you dearly for voluntarily letting your brain and heart to waste.

Anyway here some some tips that I forgot to give you during your test. Sorry..
Mamak = Tun ­ (Dr + Mahathir) * India

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Ini la tulisan saye yang tak seberapa..
Terima kasih

Regards,

So that is why they lost.

Reporter: DS, DS can you tell us why you lost in the 2 Bukits despite the many instant mee projects.

DS: How many times have I told you, those are not instant mee projects. It so happened that after looking through our records, we found some unfulfilled promises made by our former leaders, some dating back to the times of the late Tunku, so we thought since now that we have the money, why not make good on our promises. Let me reiterate, they are not instant mee projects.

Reporter: Okay, projects aside, why do you think you lost, despite the presence of party bigwigs including TDM.

DS: Frankly speaking, I am baffled. A day before polling we were confident that both the opponents would lose their deposits but, but, I am at a lost for words.

Reporter: Some said that the sentiments of 8/3 is still strong. The people has still not forgiven your party.

DS: What do you mean they have not forgiven us? What is there to forgive when no wrong has been committed? Okay, let me tell you a highly classified intel. Although this is classified but I think the people should know.

Reporter: What? Classified information?

DS: Yes, our intteligentia reported that they caught on radar last night, faint signs of foreign stealth aircrafts. Upon checking, they said that they saw paratroopers dropped somewhere in the vicinity of the durian plantations behind us. We believe that they are foreign agents brought by the PR to sabotage the elections. They must have used somekind of mind control rays to hypnotise the voters into voting for the PR.

Reporter: You mean, sabotage by a foreign government? Could it be from the US or Israel?

DS: We strongly believe so.

Reporter: This is a serious allegation DS. Are you planning of complaining to the UN?

DS: We know it is so but we have no evidence so no point in complaining to the UN. They do not have friendly judges like we have in our Federal Courts.

Reporter: So you mean to say, you are confident of winning if not for the act of sabotage.

DS: We were confident of winning. They people could see that we have changed. You could see from the crowd at our ceramahs. In fact, in one of the ceramahs that I went to there were close to 10 people who attended.

Reporter: You mean 10 thousand?

DS: No, 10.

Reporter: So what would the government do to prevent this from repeating?

DS: Oh don't worry, we are waiting for a former consultant now released, to come back with the latest equipments to counter this. In fact we are now channeling 50 percent of the 60 billion package, we announced earlier, just for this.

Reporter: But DS? That man is questionable?

DS: The courts didn't think so? Anyway we will not allow any commissions this time. We will reimburse him of all expenses incurred and maybe some sweat money not exceeding 20 percent of the amount and I'll make sure he doesn't use the services of any foreign interpreters.

Reporter: Is that the only reason DS?

DS: There are others also. The Old Man also played a part in our defeat at the other Bukit.

Reporter: Are you admitting that TDM is a liability?

DS: No I mean, the toupee man. He should have stayed at home and not go campaigning. He should realise that the Indians can't stand him anymore.

Reporter: What now after this DS?

DS: I am very tired and still have a new cabinet to think of, so I am going to go home and rest. Tomorrow I will open all the presents I have. Oh, I love naming a new cabinet, you suddenly get lots of presents.

Here They Go

Minister1: Datuk Seri, Datuk Seri, one minute please.

PM: Why, what is it?

Minister1: Err, sorry PM, I was calling out to the DPM.

PM: Oh, okay.

Minister2: Datuk Seri, you left your bag la.

PM: Where? It's with me.

Minister2: Er, sorry, er, er, what's your name? Er, actually I was talking to the DPM, he left his bag here.

PM: No la, that is the coffee boy's bag, the DPM has his bag with him.

Minister2: Oh, okay, see you. Er, er, Datuk Sri, Datuk Sri, you left your glasses .....

Minister3: Er, PM, excuse me please.

PM: Sure, sure, why?

Minister3: No, no, I want to see the DPM for a while. Er, anyway, nice knowing you.

Minister4: Er, DPM, DPM, can I talk to you for a while.

PM: I think he can't hear you la, too many people talking to him.

Minister4: Yes, la, can't even get near him la, anyway who are you?

PM: What you don't recognise me anymore ka?

Minister4: Alamak, PM ka, I forgot my glasses la, that's why I didn't recognise you. Sorry la.

PM: Oh, it's okay, it's okay and by the way, you have not forgotten your glasses, you are wearing it now.

Minister4: Ya, ka, sorry la huh, see you at the farewell dinner.

Minister5: Datuk Seri, Datuk Seri, it's me, can you come to my house for dinner tonight please. What do you you want to eat? Woi, you all, let me move la, I also want to talk to the next PM.

Ex-Minister: Ayoyo so many people one here. Er, Datuk Siri, Datuk Siri, Woi, don't touch my hair la, nanti jatuh la. Datuk Siri, can make me Senator ka?