Prosecutor: Your honour, we would like to request that the remand order be extended by a week.
Judge: What? A week? When you brought these people in you said you had concrete evidence that they were involved in the arson so why do you want another week?
Prosecution: We have some loose ends to tie your honour.
Judge: What loose ends? This is a court of law not some shoe shop where you tie shoe laces. You have to convince me that you have a case and not just fishing.
Prosecution: Oh, yes your honour we indeed have a very strong case against these people.
Judge: Good to hear you say that so can we proceed with the case?
Prosecution: But your honour, we need a week to present a strong case.
Judge: Meaning right now your case is not strong enough?
Prosecution: No your honour it is very strong but we would like to make it stronger.
Judge: Why, you want to give it Tongkat Ali or Viagra? Ok, please tell me what is it that is holding you back?
Prosecution: You see your honour, we have video evidence but we need time to get the tapes ready.
Judge: What? get the tapes ready? Are you tempering with evidence? Why can't you present the tapes as they are?
Prosecution: Don't get us wrong your honour, we have sent the tapes for some cleaning that's all.
Judge: Where are the tapes now?
Prosecution. They are with a certain Mr. Cameron Mitchel. You see, we would like to present them in 3D. We already have the glasses.
Judge: Oh you mean the director of Titanic?
Prosecution: Yes, and also Avatar.
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Monday, 18 January 2010
Damn the doctor
I am moved to tears by this development. All this prove that I have been wrong in my opinion about this people. Oh God please forgive me for I have wronged the UMNO and BN people.
After wiping the tears of joy after reading this, I started having visions of things to come. Yes visions of more reports; visions of so many reports that police stations all over the country had to open special counters.
Amongst the reports:
1. Pemuda UMNO makes reports that government ministers and past ministers' children got special preferences in conducting businesses with government guarantees. The guarantees had to be invoked because the businesses kaputed the first day they took flight because of excessive bank loans.
2. UMNO itself makes reports that purchases of military equipments were not done above board and companies with links to ministers made huge profits without having to lift a finger.
3. MCA makes a report that government contracts were given to cronies at blown up prices.
4. A Minister in the Prime Miniater's Department makes a report that certain highly connected VIPs were and still are given immunity from prosecution.
5. The MIC makes a reports that many highways were built with bad designs and inferior quality materials.
6. A certain ex MB makes a report that state agencies were used by certain government officials to fund pleasure trips overseas.
7. UMNO, MIC, MCA and GERAKAN made joint reports that all local governments misuse state and federal funds.
8. The BN makes a report against the SPR for irregularities in the electoral rolls eversince independence.
9. The BN makes a report that Ministers misuse government machineries during all elections and by elections.
10. I myself make a report that a certain doctor had perscribed me medicines that make me lose my mental faculty thus having visions of all of the above.
After wiping the tears of joy after reading this, I started having visions of things to come. Yes visions of more reports; visions of so many reports that police stations all over the country had to open special counters.
Amongst the reports:
1. Pemuda UMNO makes reports that government ministers and past ministers' children got special preferences in conducting businesses with government guarantees. The guarantees had to be invoked because the businesses kaputed the first day they took flight because of excessive bank loans.
2. UMNO itself makes reports that purchases of military equipments were not done above board and companies with links to ministers made huge profits without having to lift a finger.
3. MCA makes a report that government contracts were given to cronies at blown up prices.
4. A Minister in the Prime Miniater's Department makes a report that certain highly connected VIPs were and still are given immunity from prosecution.
5. The MIC makes a reports that many highways were built with bad designs and inferior quality materials.
6. A certain ex MB makes a report that state agencies were used by certain government officials to fund pleasure trips overseas.
7. UMNO, MIC, MCA and GERAKAN made joint reports that all local governments misuse state and federal funds.
8. The BN makes a report against the SPR for irregularities in the electoral rolls eversince independence.
9. The BN makes a report that Ministers misuse government machineries during all elections and by elections.
10. I myself make a report that a certain doctor had perscribed me medicines that make me lose my mental faculty thus having visions of all of the above.
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
SHE'S 51 TODAY
Since we got married, she has celebrated, without fail, 30 birthdays with me. Yes, my lovely wife, Asma, is 51 today. Happy Birthday Ama. Oh, yes, I call her Ama, not sayang, or darling and she calls me Ajit not sayang or abang or whatever.
One of my 3 wishes, if given Aladdin's lamp, would be that she leads a long, happy and healthy life. She deserves it. You see she works fulltime as a housewife, the most underated and underpaid profession.
She is, of course, the one in the middle of the caption above. I couldn't find one of her alone, nice and recent enough, so I uploaded this caption of the 3 most important women in my life. They do look alike don't they?
Saturday, 9 January 2010
Tit For Tat
Ahmad: What la this gomen, always make people susah only.
Ah Seng: Hey cool down la Mat, why so angry one?
Ahmad: Sure angry la, everything they do, they make people susah only.
Ah Seng: Why what susah,tell me laaaa.
Ahmad: The petrol thing la.
Ah Seng: Why, you use motorbike only, why get so angry one?
Ahmad: That is why I get angry. I don't use much petrol but still I susah.
Ah Seng: How come? I confuse la, tell la.
Ahmad: You see ah, now they want to charge the Thai people and the Singapore people differently.
Ah Seng: Good what like that, those people always come here buy our cheap petrol. The subsidy our money what, why give to them?
Ahmad: You don't know what happen Ah Seng, you katak bawah tempurung one.
Ah Seng: What happened?
Ahmad: Now the Thai gomen very angry already. They all also want to take revenge.
Ah Seng: What? Take revenge ka? Aiyo, I not yet renew my passport la. Why they want to attack us ka?
Ahmad: No la we all ASEAN where can fight openly one? They want to hurt us la.
Ah Seng: How, how, their durian going to cost more ka?
Ahmad: Not durian la, their chicken la. I just went to Haadyai last week, pukimak, when I want to take one of their girls, they want to see my passport.
Ah Seng: Then, then what happen?
Ahmad: When they see from Malaysia, they say can put in one quarter only. If want to put in all must pay tax. Gila ka. Why travel so far to put in one quarter only?
Ah Seng: Hey cool down la Mat, why so angry one?
Ahmad: Sure angry la, everything they do, they make people susah only.
Ah Seng: Why what susah,tell me laaaa.
Ahmad: The petrol thing la.
Ah Seng: Why, you use motorbike only, why get so angry one?
Ahmad: That is why I get angry. I don't use much petrol but still I susah.
Ah Seng: How come? I confuse la, tell la.
Ahmad: You see ah, now they want to charge the Thai people and the Singapore people differently.
Ah Seng: Good what like that, those people always come here buy our cheap petrol. The subsidy our money what, why give to them?
Ahmad: You don't know what happen Ah Seng, you katak bawah tempurung one.
Ah Seng: What happened?
Ahmad: Now the Thai gomen very angry already. They all also want to take revenge.
Ah Seng: What? Take revenge ka? Aiyo, I not yet renew my passport la. Why they want to attack us ka?
Ahmad: No la we all ASEAN where can fight openly one? They want to hurt us la.
Ah Seng: How, how, their durian going to cost more ka?
Ahmad: Not durian la, their chicken la. I just went to Haadyai last week, pukimak, when I want to take one of their girls, they want to see my passport.
Ah Seng: Then, then what happen?
Ahmad: When they see from Malaysia, they say can put in one quarter only. If want to put in all must pay tax. Gila ka. Why travel so far to put in one quarter only?
Friday, 8 January 2010
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
No, not again.
Sarg: Good morning Captain.
Capt: Morning, you've taken your breakfast?
Sarg: Not yet Tuan. I am about to, would you like any Tuan.
Capt: No, no. just had mine with Gen 1.
Sarg: Tuan, I want to apply for 3 days leave la Tuan. Nak balik kampung.
Capt: 3 days? Hmmmm, starting when?
Sarg: Next Monday Tuan.
Capt: Anybody else on leave on those days?
Sarg: None Tuan, I told them already so no one's taking leave.
Capt: Well if that's the case I guess ....... Sargeant, sargeant, come here please, what is that very weak blink there?
Sarg: What blink Tuan? Where?
Capt: There South East. It's very weak.
Sarg: I can't see anything Tuan?
Capt: It's not blinking now but I could have sworn I saw. Sarg get me the exact location of this place.
Sarg: Which place Tuan?
Capt: This one, here, exactly here.
Sarg: Hold on Tuan, let me check. It's Parit Sobrono Tuan. According to this, it's a palm oil estate tuan, nothing strategically important.
Capt: Contact the US airforce and request to use their sattelites in that vicinity.
Sarg: Tuan, the US Airforce tuan, they will be beaming live images of that particular locality.
Capt: Sarg, can you see that?
Sarg: What Tuan?
Capt: There, there, that one, what does it look like to you Sarg?
Sarg: Oh, my god. That, that, they are taking it to that, oh my god, Tuan they are stealing our submarines and taking it to the sea through that irrigation canal.
Capt: Morning, you've taken your breakfast?
Sarg: Not yet Tuan. I am about to, would you like any Tuan.
Capt: No, no. just had mine with Gen 1.
Sarg: Tuan, I want to apply for 3 days leave la Tuan. Nak balik kampung.
Capt: 3 days? Hmmmm, starting when?
Sarg: Next Monday Tuan.
Capt: Anybody else on leave on those days?
Sarg: None Tuan, I told them already so no one's taking leave.
Capt: Well if that's the case I guess ....... Sargeant, sargeant, come here please, what is that very weak blink there?
Sarg: What blink Tuan? Where?
Capt: There South East. It's very weak.
Sarg: I can't see anything Tuan?
Capt: It's not blinking now but I could have sworn I saw. Sarg get me the exact location of this place.
Sarg: Which place Tuan?
Capt: This one, here, exactly here.
Sarg: Hold on Tuan, let me check. It's Parit Sobrono Tuan. According to this, it's a palm oil estate tuan, nothing strategically important.
Capt: Contact the US airforce and request to use their sattelites in that vicinity.
Sarg: Tuan, the US Airforce tuan, they will be beaming live images of that particular locality.
Capt: Sarg, can you see that?
Sarg: What Tuan?
Capt: There, there, that one, what does it look like to you Sarg?
Sarg: Oh, my god. That, that, they are taking it to that, oh my god, Tuan they are stealing our submarines and taking it to the sea through that irrigation canal.
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
The Press Release
Press Release
After extensive investigations that span all the continents and suspicious looking satellites circling the Earth and with the co operations of the CIA, FBI, Mossad and consultations with the WHO, RSPCA, Yakuza, the Pallin For President group, the World Silambam Society and also the KKK, we finally got a lead as to the modus operandi of the group that stole the jet engines.
We are glad to inform that prosecution papers are being drafted and the culprits would be charged in court on the 30th of February.
The department would like to lay to rest speculations that personnel in the armed forces are involved. After going through volumes of files, logs, Readers Digests and Mad Magazines, we find that not a single personnel of the armed forces are involved in this hideous and treacherous act.
Our own investigation teams aided by Bomoh Pujangga Salleh of Jengka 5, Shaman Mwambra of the Tipu tribe of Uganda and the spirit of Mona Fandey, finally managed to trace the culprits. Forensic evidence were confirmed by Dr. Pornthip and the department has enlisted the services of Lucas Films, Steven Spielberg, Bruckheimer and the world famous director Datuk Eusoffe Grandslam to recreate the scenes in HD, the premier of which would be aired live on Astro Beyond at the affordable booking fee of RM99.99.
We have initially booked Judge Augustinus Hackus to sit on the bench but due to his indefinite unavailability, we have decided to alleviate the just married Bungkus of Sabah to the Bench.
We urge and plea to the general public to stop further speculations and to cease making comments that may tarnish the immaculately clean image of the arm forces.
To lay to rest all doubts about this whole affair we hereby name the people to be charged,
1. Aung San Mway ( Myanmese beggar along Petaling Street)
2. Jahangir Khan ( Pakistani carpet seller in section 22)
3. Daisy Loh Poh Kee ( China Doll of Rumah Urut Syiok, Batu Pahat)
4. Sheikh Mujibur Saifol ( Bangladeshi construction worker in Melaka)
5. Bahadur Kumar (Nepalese restaurant worker in Klang).
The department would soon get the services of several interrogators from the MACC to interrogate several other suspects whose name would be randomly drawn from a chest containing the names of thousands of illegal immigrants.
After extensive investigations that span all the continents and suspicious looking satellites circling the Earth and with the co operations of the CIA, FBI, Mossad and consultations with the WHO, RSPCA, Yakuza, the Pallin For President group, the World Silambam Society and also the KKK, we finally got a lead as to the modus operandi of the group that stole the jet engines.
We are glad to inform that prosecution papers are being drafted and the culprits would be charged in court on the 30th of February.
The department would like to lay to rest speculations that personnel in the armed forces are involved. After going through volumes of files, logs, Readers Digests and Mad Magazines, we find that not a single personnel of the armed forces are involved in this hideous and treacherous act.
Our own investigation teams aided by Bomoh Pujangga Salleh of Jengka 5, Shaman Mwambra of the Tipu tribe of Uganda and the spirit of Mona Fandey, finally managed to trace the culprits. Forensic evidence were confirmed by Dr. Pornthip and the department has enlisted the services of Lucas Films, Steven Spielberg, Bruckheimer and the world famous director Datuk Eusoffe Grandslam to recreate the scenes in HD, the premier of which would be aired live on Astro Beyond at the affordable booking fee of RM99.99.
We have initially booked Judge Augustinus Hackus to sit on the bench but due to his indefinite unavailability, we have decided to alleviate the just married Bungkus of Sabah to the Bench.
We urge and plea to the general public to stop further speculations and to cease making comments that may tarnish the immaculately clean image of the arm forces.
To lay to rest all doubts about this whole affair we hereby name the people to be charged,
1. Aung San Mway ( Myanmese beggar along Petaling Street)
2. Jahangir Khan ( Pakistani carpet seller in section 22)
3. Daisy Loh Poh Kee ( China Doll of Rumah Urut Syiok, Batu Pahat)
4. Sheikh Mujibur Saifol ( Bangladeshi construction worker in Melaka)
5. Bahadur Kumar (Nepalese restaurant worker in Klang).
The department would soon get the services of several interrogators from the MACC to interrogate several other suspects whose name would be randomly drawn from a chest containing the names of thousands of illegal immigrants.
Sunday, 3 January 2010
Straight from my rotten heart
Many may not like what I am writing today and I don't blame them for I was rather hesitant to write about this initially myself because I don't normally do it, but I have to, just to satisfy my own self for I carry a bloody heavy grudge for more than 10 years already.
I don't usually write like this about dead people but I am going to do it and to make it less painful for those who loved this man, I am going to write about it in very few words.
Well if people could not find good words for Stalin or Hitler so why should I find good words for this character. His actions may not have the kind of impact that the two afore mentioned personalities had but it impacted the country and his profession all the same.
Augustine Paul is dead and all I could say is good riddance.
I don't usually write like this about dead people but I am going to do it and to make it less painful for those who loved this man, I am going to write about it in very few words.
Well if people could not find good words for Stalin or Hitler so why should I find good words for this character. His actions may not have the kind of impact that the two afore mentioned personalities had but it impacted the country and his profession all the same.
Augustine Paul is dead and all I could say is good riddance.
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