Sunday, 8 April 2007

Rated 18+

I am just in the mood to share some of the jokes I learnt when I was young. We use to call them rugby jokes. Some are of course new and some made-up at the point of typing. If You find them or the language offensive then forgive me. If you have heard any before sorry to bore you but I welcome anyone who cares to add to it.

1. What is the height of frustration?
Running around a banana tree with your cock in your hand trying to screw your own arse.

2. What is the height of laziness?
Putting your cock in a hole in the ground and waiting for an earthquake to shake for you.

3. What is the height of agony?
Sliding down a blade naked using your balls as brakes.

4. The author of the book The case of the Flooded China.
Wan Long Pee

5. The author of the book The Case Of The Pregnant Cow
Bullgonin

6. What are the fuckawee people?
A pygmy tribe in the Savannas. When hunting one will stand on the shoulders of another and say Where the fuck are we?

7. What is George Bush to Dick Cheney?
Dick's Bush

8. The difference between Circus Girls and Choir Girls.
Circus girls have a cunning array of stunts and Choir Girls have a stunning array of cunts.

9. At Pearly gates both Princess Diana and Dolly Parton were asked to show their attributes. Dolly exposed her hugh breasts and Diana peed in a glass. Diana got to go in. When Dolly asked why the answer given was 'A royal flush beats a pair anytime'.

Can't think of anymore at this time. If any would like to add, I welcome it. If you want to express your displeasure you are welcomed to. If they are not funny don't laugh.

39 comments:

NURAINA A SAMAD said...

kata tak nak,

i'm glad you're in a light mood. that means you're ok today.

yes, i have variations of a couple of the jokes. cruder version pun ada.
keep smiling and keep joking, KTN..

take care.
plse keep us updated on yr brother.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Nuraina,
Thanks for dropping by. I am in a lighter mood coz, I see my brother getting stronger each day. Even his stool is back to normal. At the same time I am not saying that his is on his way to be cured. We will have to wait till he is stronger and then take him to the hospital again and see if what the doctors have to say. As it is we are taking one day at a time.
I'll be meeting zorro this coming saturday coz he has some personal business here.
As for the cruder jokes, yes I have some, kalau tulis sini nanti depa kata bloggers a bunch of sex and nymphomaniacs pulak. Maybe another forum kot specially designed for this kind of stuff.
Anyway thanks for the visit.

zorro said...

KTN....you are hiding a state secret. In the marshes around Prai is a bird you people call the OoooooAhhhhhhh bird. Birds with feet that short and bolas than long and as such they can giet a balance landing, so everytime they land they naturally shout OoooooAhhhhhhh....painful, no?

zorro said...

Oooops error..."as such they cannot get a good balance when landing..."

Kata Tak Nak said...

Zorro,
what about the orang-utan? Their balls are made of brass and as they swing from tree to tree it goes rangatang, rangatang

monsterball said...

Glad to see you in jovial mood.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Monsterball
I am playing a waiting game so I might as well look at the positive side since he is now quite ok comparatively.

monsterball said...

kata tak nak...Do you know how hard I need to go into your site? I have to fill in forms...put out different password etc etc etc...then google gives me this to post.I will get my programmer to check it out....but I have no problem with Sheih and others. Anyway....small matter!!
Yes what can you do...but to do your best day by day and be contented and happy. You know the old saying..why worry worries when worries do not worry you.
I used to look forward...be positive in any bad situation I am in...so be healthy to take care of the situation with clear mind.
Hope you do that too.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Yes a clear mind is important to help us stay focussed. My wife babysits 5 from the same family. Their ages ranges from 8 months to 10 years. We started taking care of them when the eldest was about 1 month old. They often sleep over in my place. In fact every weekend their parents find it difficult to take them home. Sometimes they will stay over for more than a week. I love those children like my own. I can't live without them. Their parents are like my brothers and sisters. They are very close to us. We use to go for vacations together and when they come to fetch their children they often have dinner with us. Today their father who is about 37 had a mild heart-attack and all the children are sleeping over. I worry for their father. I am praying for him too. This is indeed a great test for me. Thanks for visiting me often and I wonder why is it that difficult to come over to my blog. If your programmer say anything please let me know.

raden galoh said...

muahahaha....i would love to pass jokes to my hubby...glad you sound much much better...

zewt said...

hey there, how are you holding on?

let's hope we puck some italian boys tonight!

NURAINA A SAMAD said...

kata tak nak,

oooh...that's so cool that zorro is going over to penang.
KTN, you and your wife are wonderful people. so sincere in what you do. such generosity is an ibadah..you both have made life for those parents whose kids you have at your home, better. much much better, i am certain.
may Allah SWT bless you both.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Zewt and Nuraina,
Had to rush to my bro's place at about 1.30 in the morning. He had breathing difficulty. Stayed over until around 5. Got home and slept. Got up almost dropped from my seat here at the computer when read MU 7 Roma 1. That should keep many Liverpool mouths quite for a while. No regrets that I did not get to watch the game coz there will be many repeats but would have regretted if I did not go to my brother's place and something happened. He will be going to the hosp today.

Allied said...

See" For your kindness, God decided to reward you with a 7-1 drubbing of Roma!
To be honest, MU deserved it! They played well. I was keeping myself posted on the Chelsea Vs Valencia game! Magnificent 7?

Well, Roma went in blank! They did not know how to react...

So lets see then.......UEFACL SF...

C u in the finals?

B4 I go....here's a joke to add to your list, courtesy of Ancient Mariner.......

If you wake up one morning and find that you are impotent? Well, its natures way of telling you "No Hard Feelings!"

Cheers

raden galoh said...

i want to answer ur query regarding my feeling when i first heard i have cancer...

i cried. time stopped. felt so limped. i could not talk. so speechless. so disoriented. so helpless. and i cried for 2 days.

almost went into denial. must not be mine. must be a wrong report. or some sort. until the surgery. until the left breast was no more there. then i leran to move on. accepting the fate.

~penarik beca said...

Cik Gu!

Aku kutu tak mengaji, cakap org putih tak berapa reti.

Aku nak tumpang cerita. Mungkin Cik Gu dah dengaq cerita ni. Cerita lama. Saja nak tumpang tulis lagi...

Satu hari masa nak kebumikan TPM ke 6, ada org meriwayatkan tiba-tiba PM ke 4 dengar sura PM pertama, "kuda mana?"

PM ke 4 heran. Mana datang suara tu? Sebab PM pertama tidak disemadikan di situ.

Walaupun dah renggang, dia ajak PM ke 5 mencari-cari. Lalu PM ke 4 dengar lagi suara PM pertama, "Laa.. Aku suruh hang bawak kuda, yang hang bawak keldai buat apa!!"

Allied said...

KTN, to take your mind of things, here is one I think is funny enough for your list....courtesy of my cousin from London.

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her:
"Can we have sex ?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She then stands up and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver who overheard, turns to the hippie and says, "I can tell you
how to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night
at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a
hood, so that your face is covered, put some luminous powder in your beard,
and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as
suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face, "I
have ordained it. You must have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal
sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha!," he cries. "I am the hippie!"

"Ha-ha!," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"

Kata Tak Nak said...

Alleid
Thats one for my collection. Thanks

Kata Tak Nak said...

Penarik Beca,
Yang tu bukan keldai, yang tu bagahal.
Terima kasih kerna sudi melawat blog saya. Saya hargainya.

Allied,
What about I went to bed reding Shakespeare and hot up with Longfellow in hand.

7 - 1 wow. Caught the repeat, it was an entertaining match. Good stuff, thoroughly enjoyed it except I already knew the score.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Raden.
Thanks for sharing with me your experience. I am trying to understand my brother more in his last days. I can't bring myself to ask him coz I am sure I would break down and cry. When they found out it was cancer, what stage were you at, if you don't mind me asking? Do you consider your surviving it a miracle? I think it is more of perseverence and also luck.

zorro said...

KTN, yesterday morning (11th)whilst watching the game I wanted to call you at half-time but realised that maybe you cannot watch because you had schoolin the morning....and I didnt want to tell you the score before you catch the match later. Just as well, because your brother came before MU. How many brothers can have a brother like you. ROMA 1, MAN.....UUUUUUUUU 7.That sort of made up for the fiasco against Portsmouth.That night they did not have fire in their bellies....but that is football.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Zorro,
Yeah I can't swallow that one with Portsmouth. Well Monsterball would say its fixed, I would say the ball is round. The one against Roma on the other hand was a polished and polished performance and now for Milan.

alliedmartster said...

Totti is past his prime...Fergie will certainly remember his name alright!
The Toothless Totti...

But.......
Kaka is a whole different player...
COME ON KAKAAAAAAA!
He he he....

Sorryler....but Milan against Liv in the finals (Hopefully!) will be a replay of 2005....I think most football neutral romantics would prefer that! ...

For the record? I think its a 50-50...

Kata Tak Nak said...

Liverpool's goin down to Chelsea.
I have this hunch, its going to be Milan's Cup this year. Liverpool? No way, they just don't have the class, sorry but thats the way it is.

Want to hear something? I did a surveys in my classes. I like to do it and get my students to talk.

Qt. How many of you like Liverpool
Ans: 1 hand up ( average for the classes I teach la )
Qt. Arsenal
Ans. 2
Qt. Chelsea?
Ans. 0.5
MU. More than 10 including the girls.
Favourite player
Boys: 25% Rooney 75% Ronaldo (cristiano that is )
Girls: 95% Ronaldo others mixture, Fabregas mainly but starnge no bean pole and Gerard.

Sorry in a few years, Liverpool Club in Malaysia will be closed.

Ha, ha, jangan marah. I really did the survey and the results are true but I don't know if it is reflective of other schools.

alliedmartster said...

KTN, I don't doubt that you really did do the survey....but thats in Ipoh mah...

MU has the biggest fan base following (true) now? I think with TV rights, the others are fast catching up...

Liverpool...for some reason, neutrals woulod prefer them, (As indicated after the 2005 final), as opposed to MU!

Anyways...lets see...EPL, most likely a tough fight between Chelsea and MU..
UEFACL? Right now is 25% to each of the semi finalist...he he...

Heres another for your collection

Seorang Pelancong Cina masuk kedalam sebuah bar di Hawaii dan dia amat terperanjat kerana didalamnya terdapat Steven Spielberg! Pengarah filem yang ternama. Sedang dia enak menikmati minumannya tiba-tiba beliau melihat pengarah filem tersebut meluru kepadanya dan melepaskan sebiji penumbuk.

Setelah bangun dari duduknya, beliau menjerit "Apa pasal engkau tumbuk aku ni?"
Pengarah filem tersebut berkata," Itu sebagai balasan di atas pengeboman Pearl Harbor, datuk aku mati pada masa tu".

Cina tersebut membantah. "Aku bangsa Cina laa bodoh! apa kena mengena dengan Jepun pulak?" Pengarah filem tadi membalas "Aaah..! Jepun, Cina, Burma, Vietnam, semua sama aje!"

Keadaan kembali reda selepas itu. Setelah memesan sebotol beer lagi, Lelaki Cina tadi terus meluru kepada Pengarah filem dan memberi satu tumbukan yang padu.

"Apa pasal kau tumbuk aku pulak ni?" balas sang pengarah filem.

"Itu sebagai balasan kerana menenggelamkan Titanic, moyang aku ada dalam kapal tu dan mati" balas Cina tadi.

"Hey budak! Titanic tenggelam pasal Iceberg laa bodoh..!" jerit sang pengarah lagi.

"Aaahh! Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg... korang semua sama aje...!"

joke courtesy of 9W2ZEK

raden galoh said...

when the lab report came back I was told the cancer is stage 2, grade 2. and already went into the nodes under the arm.

i didn't imagine surviving it. in fact i wrote a 'will' to my hubby the night before the operations. but so grateful that it went ok.

i agree with you that it takes perseverance and a strong will to brace this turmoil. there's ups and downs with cancer.

it's ok with what you do now with your brother. he loves having you around at moments like this. he may not express it but believe me, he is. infact, this is the best moment for u to say the 'unspoken words, if there are.

i pray that Allah memudah urusan you and your bro...stay strong, ok?

Kata Tak Nak said...

alliedmatster
Or whoopi Goldberg. I like that one, sure going into my collection.

I still think Milan is too strong for others though I hope MU would make it as much as you would and correction the survey was done in Penang mah.
Thanks mate.

Raden,
Thanks again for wanting to share about your experience. At stage 2, I'm sure you knew there are 2 stages more so you had a decent chance. My bro now is hooked on his sleeping pills. Without them he can't sleep. I pity my sis in law. I think since January she never had a good night sleep at all. We are all hanging in there. My second bro has been with him for many days now taking care of him. We cater to his every whim and fancy.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Alliedmarster
correction ' as much as you would Liverpool win'

J.T. said...

KTN,I have a joke to contribute - What is the height of exaggeration? A fly swimming on its back with an erection shouting "Raise the drawbridge, raise the drawbridge."

I am glad that amidst trials right now, you can find a moment to be light-hearted. That is God at work.

nadeea said...

I would like to add..this is quite interesting...

Rules of Manhood
The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of
the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose
of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before
the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

Kata Tak Nak said...

Jt
raise the drawbridge, raise the drawbridge. Thats a killer
Jaja,
cute jokes.

monsterball said...

Good morning kata tak nak.Zorro left for Penang with a stop overnight at Taiping yesterday. He have a book to present to you.
I was at the bloggers farewell party to Sheih and met all of them.Seeing personally...most misunderstandings can be spoken out and misunderstndings gone. All ends well...except.one...shar101.
I have few joke books..party..office..and even bangali jokes book.....Polelish jokes....all given away recently...but on books...I love to read Groucho Marx ...He is trully witty...vulgar and very funny...a devoted Jew who formed the famous..'Marx Brothers" movies.
Your blog is making readers laugh...a God gifted talent...wanting others to enjoy..to smile.. visiting you. Keep it up!!
I hope your brother is gtting better.
CHEERS!!

BigDogDotCom said...

Hey, my kinda guy.

Dirty jokes, golf jokes, political jokes, hospital jokes, borading school jokes, lawyers jokes,(no jokes from accountants - they are the most boring ppl!), entertainment jokes, marital jokes, jokes-r-us, joke-depot, joke-mart, jokelicious, joke-mannsteinberg, sheikh al joke, joke-san, tunku joke, jokeczinsky, jokeciano, jocques, van joke, jawrk, jork, raja lawak Astro and the list go on.

Unconditionally, all welcomed! Pls leave firearms at the counter.....

:)

Kata Tak Nak said...

Monsterball,
How have you been? Yes I met Zorro this morning. We had only a few minutes together ciz he had to leave for KL and I had to go to my bros place. Thanks for penning something in the book. Take care old pal.

Bigdog,
The most important spice in life fpr me besides my religious belief is jokes. if you have any good ones, I am game. Thanks for the visit andf thanks for penning something in the book. It means a lot to me.

monsterball said...

Told this joke many times...

An American siiting in a train..on the way to Delhi to play golf.
Met a beautiful Indian girl..and she was also interested in that handsome white skin.
Both agreed to have sex by sign language....as Indian girl speaks no English!! She just followed him to his cabin.
Whole night she yelled 'walla walla walla"
Slept well and reached Dehli..immediately he checked into the hotel...took a bath and hire a caddy to play golf.
Hitting the ball..he heard caddy said 'walla walla walla"..same as the girl.
He asked caddy..What is walla walla walla?"
Caddy replied..'wrong hole sir"

Kata Tak Nak said...

Monsterball,
Yes, I have heard that one before but please keep them coming.
Take care

monsterball said...

A very old monk decided to choose a successor amongst his 24 deciples to replace hin as Chief Monk of th monastry.
He prayed hard for Buddha's help
One morning he called all to line up in two rows at the football field and said.."Deciples...today I will choose the holiest monk to replace me as Chief. Listen to my command!! TAKE OFF YOUR ROBES. All did and stood stark naked.
Suddenly..the loud speaker was playing the romatic cha cha song..'It's Cherry Pink And Apple Blossom White"
Out came a very sexy strip teaser...dancing vulgarly to that tune...disturbing all the 24 monks.
Music stopped...Chief saw all the monks penis were hard nd upright. He said..'naughty....naughty..naughty....inspecting them one by one...UNTIL he saw one with Penis 'sleeping'..not standing. feeling so delighed...he grab that monk and told everyone...'this will be your Chief Monk"...without realising that the grass was wet with sperms flowed out from the monk's penis...when he led him away.

Kata Tak Nak said...

monsterball,
Aiya so fast one can come out. He should be a monk then coz he is of no use to any woman like that.

monsterball said...

No kata tak nak..He should not be a monk...but an ordinary man. He is wasting nice juice for a lonely lady who may need them.
So becareful if you go to temples....respect monks okay...never call them "your holiness" like to the Pope!!

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