Director: Ok people, take your seats and be silent please, the minister would be here in a minute.
Minister: Good morning and please be seated. That was a nice breakfast you served and the dances were superb but I would like to to stress that we are currently running on a poor man's budget.
Officer: Meaning sir?
Minister: Good question there. From now on, I don't want all these welcoming functions with expensive makans and dances and fireworks. No more renting of canopies. We are on an austerity drive so we must save wherever we can.
Director: Do you hear that people? The minister doesn't want wastage. I told you all about this but you are stubborn.
Officer: But sir, it was you who....
Director: Shut up and don't interupt me when I am talking. Be seated and let the minister finish what he has come to say.
Minister: Thank you. From now on there will be no more overtimes. If you need to work extra, we will replace with a day off for every 6 hours of extra work you put in.
Officer 2: But, we all have a lot of commitments.....
Minister: Shut up! Don't interupt. There will no more be mileage claims. You will all be paid RM26 flat per month for mileage.
Officer 3: But even one trip could cost us more than that?
Minister: I know that is why I have ordered that there be no more courses or meetings or briefings. Use the internet. There will be no more phone bill claims.
Officer: How are we going to call people then?
Minister: Don't call them. If they need you, they call you. Use email to contact them. No more airconds from tomorrow onwards.
Director: But sir, this office is completely closed, my people would die.
Minister: Never mind, I have already allocated RM5 million to renovate this office to put in a few windows and add a few fans. My brother's company would be coming in to do the renovation tomorrow.
Officer 4: But we use up only about RM2K a month for electricity? Wouldn't RM5 million be too much?
Minister: Shut up. What do you know about economics? I know better, that is why the people elected me.
Officer: Are we going to lelong the present airconds?
Minister: No, the units will be donated to a few UMNO Bahagians and this office is responsible to pay their electricity bills. Director, reserve about 10K amonth for these.
Director: But sir....
Minister: Shut up, no buts. On my way in, I saw that the compound is just not up to the mark. The gate is old and the guardhouse is just like an outhouse. I am using RM10 million of the poor people relief fund for a new guardhouse and landscaping. My brother's company would handle that. So people, I would like to remind you that we have to serve the people and we should do that by not wasting. All allocation should go directly to the people. Any questions?
Officer 6: Sir, I hope you wouldn't see this as a waste but our toilets are old and not up to the mark. This would not reflect well on this department sir.
Minister: Oh, that's bad, that's bad. We don't want the people to think lowly of us. How many toilets do you have?
Director: 5 sir.
Minister: Hmmmm 5, ....... Okay I'll use up 30 million of the OKU unused fund to upgrade the toilets. RM5 million per toilet and the other 5 million is to upgrade the surau.
Director: But we don't have a surau sir. There's a mosque just outside the gate. Our people and visitors use the mosque for prayers.
Minister: Oh, that is a mosque outside there? No, no, I don't want our people to leave the premise for prayers. Mr Director get a 10x10 area for a surau. Of course my brother will handle this. Okay, I am done. Ahmad come lets go to the mosque outside there. I hope we could find something to repair. If there is any, I'll allocate 35 million, 34 for my brother and 1 for your second wife.
Friday, 12 February 2010
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
The evidence
Prosecutor: Your honour, we would like to request that the remand order be extended by a week.
Judge: What? A week? When you brought these people in you said you had concrete evidence that they were involved in the arson so why do you want another week?
Prosecution: We have some loose ends to tie your honour.
Judge: What loose ends? This is a court of law not some shoe shop where you tie shoe laces. You have to convince me that you have a case and not just fishing.
Prosecution: Oh, yes your honour we indeed have a very strong case against these people.
Judge: Good to hear you say that so can we proceed with the case?
Prosecution: But your honour, we need a week to present a strong case.
Judge: Meaning right now your case is not strong enough?
Prosecution: No your honour it is very strong but we would like to make it stronger.
Judge: Why, you want to give it Tongkat Ali or Viagra? Ok, please tell me what is it that is holding you back?
Prosecution: You see your honour, we have video evidence but we need time to get the tapes ready.
Judge: What? get the tapes ready? Are you tempering with evidence? Why can't you present the tapes as they are?
Prosecution: Don't get us wrong your honour, we have sent the tapes for some cleaning that's all.
Judge: Where are the tapes now?
Prosecution. They are with a certain Mr. Cameron Mitchel. You see, we would like to present them in 3D. We already have the glasses.
Judge: Oh you mean the director of Titanic?
Prosecution: Yes, and also Avatar.
Judge: What? A week? When you brought these people in you said you had concrete evidence that they were involved in the arson so why do you want another week?
Prosecution: We have some loose ends to tie your honour.
Judge: What loose ends? This is a court of law not some shoe shop where you tie shoe laces. You have to convince me that you have a case and not just fishing.
Prosecution: Oh, yes your honour we indeed have a very strong case against these people.
Judge: Good to hear you say that so can we proceed with the case?
Prosecution: But your honour, we need a week to present a strong case.
Judge: Meaning right now your case is not strong enough?
Prosecution: No your honour it is very strong but we would like to make it stronger.
Judge: Why, you want to give it Tongkat Ali or Viagra? Ok, please tell me what is it that is holding you back?
Prosecution: You see your honour, we have video evidence but we need time to get the tapes ready.
Judge: What? get the tapes ready? Are you tempering with evidence? Why can't you present the tapes as they are?
Prosecution: Don't get us wrong your honour, we have sent the tapes for some cleaning that's all.
Judge: Where are the tapes now?
Prosecution. They are with a certain Mr. Cameron Mitchel. You see, we would like to present them in 3D. We already have the glasses.
Judge: Oh you mean the director of Titanic?
Prosecution: Yes, and also Avatar.
Monday, 18 January 2010
Damn the doctor
I am moved to tears by this development. All this prove that I have been wrong in my opinion about this people. Oh God please forgive me for I have wronged the UMNO and BN people.
After wiping the tears of joy after reading this, I started having visions of things to come. Yes visions of more reports; visions of so many reports that police stations all over the country had to open special counters.
Amongst the reports:
1. Pemuda UMNO makes reports that government ministers and past ministers' children got special preferences in conducting businesses with government guarantees. The guarantees had to be invoked because the businesses kaputed the first day they took flight because of excessive bank loans.
2. UMNO itself makes reports that purchases of military equipments were not done above board and companies with links to ministers made huge profits without having to lift a finger.
3. MCA makes a report that government contracts were given to cronies at blown up prices.
4. A Minister in the Prime Miniater's Department makes a report that certain highly connected VIPs were and still are given immunity from prosecution.
5. The MIC makes a reports that many highways were built with bad designs and inferior quality materials.
6. A certain ex MB makes a report that state agencies were used by certain government officials to fund pleasure trips overseas.
7. UMNO, MIC, MCA and GERAKAN made joint reports that all local governments misuse state and federal funds.
8. The BN makes a report against the SPR for irregularities in the electoral rolls eversince independence.
9. The BN makes a report that Ministers misuse government machineries during all elections and by elections.
10. I myself make a report that a certain doctor had perscribed me medicines that make me lose my mental faculty thus having visions of all of the above.
After wiping the tears of joy after reading this, I started having visions of things to come. Yes visions of more reports; visions of so many reports that police stations all over the country had to open special counters.
Amongst the reports:
1. Pemuda UMNO makes reports that government ministers and past ministers' children got special preferences in conducting businesses with government guarantees. The guarantees had to be invoked because the businesses kaputed the first day they took flight because of excessive bank loans.
2. UMNO itself makes reports that purchases of military equipments were not done above board and companies with links to ministers made huge profits without having to lift a finger.
3. MCA makes a report that government contracts were given to cronies at blown up prices.
4. A Minister in the Prime Miniater's Department makes a report that certain highly connected VIPs were and still are given immunity from prosecution.
5. The MIC makes a reports that many highways were built with bad designs and inferior quality materials.
6. A certain ex MB makes a report that state agencies were used by certain government officials to fund pleasure trips overseas.
7. UMNO, MIC, MCA and GERAKAN made joint reports that all local governments misuse state and federal funds.
8. The BN makes a report against the SPR for irregularities in the electoral rolls eversince independence.
9. The BN makes a report that Ministers misuse government machineries during all elections and by elections.
10. I myself make a report that a certain doctor had perscribed me medicines that make me lose my mental faculty thus having visions of all of the above.
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
SHE'S 51 TODAY
Since we got married, she has celebrated, without fail, 30 birthdays with me. Yes, my lovely wife, Asma, is 51 today. Happy Birthday Ama. Oh, yes, I call her Ama, not sayang, or darling and she calls me Ajit not sayang or abang or whatever.
One of my 3 wishes, if given Aladdin's lamp, would be that she leads a long, happy and healthy life. She deserves it. You see she works fulltime as a housewife, the most underated and underpaid profession.
She is, of course, the one in the middle of the caption above. I couldn't find one of her alone, nice and recent enough, so I uploaded this caption of the 3 most important women in my life. They do look alike don't they?
Saturday, 9 January 2010
Tit For Tat
Ahmad: What la this gomen, always make people susah only.
Ah Seng: Hey cool down la Mat, why so angry one?
Ahmad: Sure angry la, everything they do, they make people susah only.
Ah Seng: Why what susah,tell me laaaa.
Ahmad: The petrol thing la.
Ah Seng: Why, you use motorbike only, why get so angry one?
Ahmad: That is why I get angry. I don't use much petrol but still I susah.
Ah Seng: How come? I confuse la, tell la.
Ahmad: You see ah, now they want to charge the Thai people and the Singapore people differently.
Ah Seng: Good what like that, those people always come here buy our cheap petrol. The subsidy our money what, why give to them?
Ahmad: You don't know what happen Ah Seng, you katak bawah tempurung one.
Ah Seng: What happened?
Ahmad: Now the Thai gomen very angry already. They all also want to take revenge.
Ah Seng: What? Take revenge ka? Aiyo, I not yet renew my passport la. Why they want to attack us ka?
Ahmad: No la we all ASEAN where can fight openly one? They want to hurt us la.
Ah Seng: How, how, their durian going to cost more ka?
Ahmad: Not durian la, their chicken la. I just went to Haadyai last week, pukimak, when I want to take one of their girls, they want to see my passport.
Ah Seng: Then, then what happen?
Ahmad: When they see from Malaysia, they say can put in one quarter only. If want to put in all must pay tax. Gila ka. Why travel so far to put in one quarter only?
Ah Seng: Hey cool down la Mat, why so angry one?
Ahmad: Sure angry la, everything they do, they make people susah only.
Ah Seng: Why what susah,tell me laaaa.
Ahmad: The petrol thing la.
Ah Seng: Why, you use motorbike only, why get so angry one?
Ahmad: That is why I get angry. I don't use much petrol but still I susah.
Ah Seng: How come? I confuse la, tell la.
Ahmad: You see ah, now they want to charge the Thai people and the Singapore people differently.
Ah Seng: Good what like that, those people always come here buy our cheap petrol. The subsidy our money what, why give to them?
Ahmad: You don't know what happen Ah Seng, you katak bawah tempurung one.
Ah Seng: What happened?
Ahmad: Now the Thai gomen very angry already. They all also want to take revenge.
Ah Seng: What? Take revenge ka? Aiyo, I not yet renew my passport la. Why they want to attack us ka?
Ahmad: No la we all ASEAN where can fight openly one? They want to hurt us la.
Ah Seng: How, how, their durian going to cost more ka?
Ahmad: Not durian la, their chicken la. I just went to Haadyai last week, pukimak, when I want to take one of their girls, they want to see my passport.
Ah Seng: Then, then what happen?
Ahmad: When they see from Malaysia, they say can put in one quarter only. If want to put in all must pay tax. Gila ka. Why travel so far to put in one quarter only?
Friday, 8 January 2010
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
No, not again.
Sarg: Good morning Captain.
Capt: Morning, you've taken your breakfast?
Sarg: Not yet Tuan. I am about to, would you like any Tuan.
Capt: No, no. just had mine with Gen 1.
Sarg: Tuan, I want to apply for 3 days leave la Tuan. Nak balik kampung.
Capt: 3 days? Hmmmm, starting when?
Sarg: Next Monday Tuan.
Capt: Anybody else on leave on those days?
Sarg: None Tuan, I told them already so no one's taking leave.
Capt: Well if that's the case I guess ....... Sargeant, sargeant, come here please, what is that very weak blink there?
Sarg: What blink Tuan? Where?
Capt: There South East. It's very weak.
Sarg: I can't see anything Tuan?
Capt: It's not blinking now but I could have sworn I saw. Sarg get me the exact location of this place.
Sarg: Which place Tuan?
Capt: This one, here, exactly here.
Sarg: Hold on Tuan, let me check. It's Parit Sobrono Tuan. According to this, it's a palm oil estate tuan, nothing strategically important.
Capt: Contact the US airforce and request to use their sattelites in that vicinity.
Sarg: Tuan, the US Airforce tuan, they will be beaming live images of that particular locality.
Capt: Sarg, can you see that?
Sarg: What Tuan?
Capt: There, there, that one, what does it look like to you Sarg?
Sarg: Oh, my god. That, that, they are taking it to that, oh my god, Tuan they are stealing our submarines and taking it to the sea through that irrigation canal.
Capt: Morning, you've taken your breakfast?
Sarg: Not yet Tuan. I am about to, would you like any Tuan.
Capt: No, no. just had mine with Gen 1.
Sarg: Tuan, I want to apply for 3 days leave la Tuan. Nak balik kampung.
Capt: 3 days? Hmmmm, starting when?
Sarg: Next Monday Tuan.
Capt: Anybody else on leave on those days?
Sarg: None Tuan, I told them already so no one's taking leave.
Capt: Well if that's the case I guess ....... Sargeant, sargeant, come here please, what is that very weak blink there?
Sarg: What blink Tuan? Where?
Capt: There South East. It's very weak.
Sarg: I can't see anything Tuan?
Capt: It's not blinking now but I could have sworn I saw. Sarg get me the exact location of this place.
Sarg: Which place Tuan?
Capt: This one, here, exactly here.
Sarg: Hold on Tuan, let me check. It's Parit Sobrono Tuan. According to this, it's a palm oil estate tuan, nothing strategically important.
Capt: Contact the US airforce and request to use their sattelites in that vicinity.
Sarg: Tuan, the US Airforce tuan, they will be beaming live images of that particular locality.
Capt: Sarg, can you see that?
Sarg: What Tuan?
Capt: There, there, that one, what does it look like to you Sarg?
Sarg: Oh, my god. That, that, they are taking it to that, oh my god, Tuan they are stealing our submarines and taking it to the sea through that irrigation canal.
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