Marriage Jokes

Love is in the air. The quiet Wedding of the Year is coming so maybe its time for some marriage and wedding jokes.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!!!)

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the women gets her Master.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true; all men are born free and equal - but some of them get married

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

There was a man who said "I never knew what happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late!"

There was this lover who told his love that he would go through hell for her. They got married - and now he is going through HELL!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe-Jackie Mason

A friend asked my wife if I was hard to please She replied, "Don't know. Never tried."

Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of:
(1) a date,
(2) his wife,
(3) a better looking and richer male friend.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same
purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all
afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli

Do you know why God witheld the sense of humour from women?
That we may love you instead of laughing at you."

Son :How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father:I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
Son :Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in ancient China, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries?
Father:That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE.

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration:
-in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
-in the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
-in the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.

Couldn't have been happier when my wife became a "libber" Now, she complains about all men and not just me

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.- Rita Rudner

If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're aiming too high.

The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.

A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife
feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.

Women don't make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman.
If my wife ever finds out she'll kill me.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

Sure God created man before woman.. but then you always make a rough draft before The Final Masterpiece

A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings." - Olin Miller

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams